Patience
by Aydaptic
Summary: Signing up in the Alliance at the age of 18, after a life of petty crime, made John Shepard realize that helping people was what he wanted to do. After calling it quits with the Reds, he never wanted anyone in his life - until he's assigned to the Normandy and meets a certain biotic by the name of Kaidan Alenko (ME1, 2, 3 and post-war, including some pre-ME1 flashbacks.)
1. Ch 1: Prologue

**Chapter 1: Prologue**

* * *

 **A/N:** Default John Shepard (Sheploo - Earthborn - Sole Survivor - Soldier.)

* * *

Being pushed around and told what to do was one of the few things that downright pissed Shepard off. It made him feel like some kind of an errand boy. He was aware that, in some way, he was. Constantly being thrown around the streets on a new job, interrogating, intimidating, killing and spreading fear by making people aware of the presence of the Tenth Street Reds. That would identify you an errand boy.

Growing up on Earth without any parents to care for him, seeing they either bailed out or died, he had little choice but to find his own way of survival. Joining up in a gang was the easiest choice. They always needed young, capable people to count in as members. Kids like Shepard were easily exploited seeing that they needed nourishment to live like everyone else. Most people would do fucked up things to survive and Shepard was no exception. He was never that kind of guy that would consider to put a bullet into his own skull when things became difficult. He had on several occasions wanted to just stop caring, but that was almost the same thing, only less blood involved.

Shepard rounded the corner of the Reds so called "HQ" to see Finch leant up against the wall with arms folded across his chest, in conversation with Curt, another member of the Reds. The three were usually assigned to the same jobs if it required more than one person.

"Put your dicks away, ladies. Got a new job for us."

Finch scoffed. "Fuck off, Shep. You wish," he said, released his arms and pushed himself away from the wall. Shepard flicked up a pack of cigarettes but made no comment. "Hey, gimme one of those will you?"

"You'd be choking before you even got it lit, Finchy." Shepard held one to the surface of his lips as he reached for the lighter in his back pocket. "Couldn't last two seconds."

"Ouch, Shep. Your cocky attitude come along with it? Or is it just your charming personality?"

He lit his smoke. "Touché."

They were always bickering around like that. Shepard found little to be more amusing that seeing Finch flare up like a thousand suns. It didn't exactly take much to light his fuse because he was touchy as hell. A guy who could dish it out but couldn't take it. Shepard wouldn't exactly call himself 'close' with anyone in the Reds as he wasn't naïve. All of them were in it for themselves, him included, and he wasn't shy to that. He always kept his eyes open as his supposed 'friends' wouldn't think twice about snatching his wallet no matter how low on credits he was.

"Play it nice, assholes," Curt broke in. "Spill each other's guts _after_ we've finished the job."

Yeah, then there was Curt. Not much better than Finch. The guy had a tendency to end up in jams and needing Finch bailing him out (like Blasto and Bubin come to think of it, although neither of them had a lover in every port, or that many tentacles.) He wasn't as touchy and that was the very reason why Shepard didn't flip him the bird as often.

It took away the fun when he didn't get a reaction.

Finch shoved his hands deep down in his pockets. "So what the hell are we dealing with here, anyways? Or did you fall asleep during the debriefing just like last time?"

 _So you aren't a *complete* idiot._

"Hey, that guy can talk for hours. I can't exactly stand still for that long in these jeans, either. They're really fucking tight down there," Shepard said. "Oh, wait. You wouldn't know how that feels." Curt muffled a laugh.

Finch shook his head. "Too much info."

Shepard leant his hip to a stray metal barrel.

"Not much to go on. Like always. Name's Aaron," he said. "The street is pretty packed today and this requires three bodies to get done - one for lookout, one for making a distraction, and of course, one for putting a bullet in the target's skull. I guess even the two of you can handle that." He saw Finch tensing up and was barely able to hold back the smirk. "Some guy from a rival gang gave Mr. Can't Do Shit Himself trouble, rat him out to _another_ rival gang, and he wants us to take care of it."

"Talk about Jericho like that and he'll eventually find out," Curt piped in. "If it wasn't for him, you'd be lying dead in the streets, wishing for your mommy and daddy dearest to come pick you up. I wouldn't want to end up on his bad side."

He had to admit that Jericho wasn't really a guy he would want to go toe-to-toe with. The guy was huge. A twenty-year-old pile driver. Shepard was himself seventeen - wasn't too low on muscles himself - but Jericho had been on the streets longer than him. He knew he wouldn't have a chance against him but he kept that to himself. Show any sign of weakness among these people and you were walking dead meat.

Shepard snorted. "Keep telling yourself that. So are we going or not?"

"Lead the way, Columbus," Finch said. "The sooner we get this done the sooner I can be rid of your smug face."

"Nah, you'd miss it too much."

The three soon left for the garages only a few blocks away to get their motorcycles. Shepard had one of his own seeing that he was also their main mechanic. No one around were as good as him with the tools and that gave him an edge.

You had to be smart to survive on the streets and these guys needed him.

He shoved in the key, turned it around until he heard a *click* and pulled up the metal gate. A goofy smile crept up on his lips as he saw the two-wheeled beauty before him. It was a _Moto Guzzi Stelvio 2015_ MC with a few red spots that he had been saving up for. Easy to maneuver, and fuck, it helped that it looked nice. He had earned a handful of envious glances from several people - reds, rival gangs and pedestrians alike. He hadn't used her in about three weeks. After a job gone awry, they had to lay low. Shepard had a different partner at the time. Their job back then was to steal some device from a rival gang leader, but after they had broken in, its owner heard the commotion his partner caused and confronted them. Shepard was almost able to talk him down until the asshole he worked with acted before he thought.

The son-of-a bitch instead chose to shoot the guy between the eyes, angering their rivals, turning almost the whole street against the Tenth Street Reds alone.

They had some kind of deal between each other that was comparable to the mafia. A relationship based on respect. They had violated that understanding in that very moment, and after that, everything just went to hell. They lost allies. The Alliance was still looking for the culprit behind it all because the streets became a complete mess after the incident, killing many civilians in the process.

Shepard approached the MC, only to begin softly cursing under his breath, seeing that her oil was leaking.

"Fucking... fuck, son-of-a..." he murmured, and dropped to his knee next to her. "Stupid, fucking -!"

Finch leant to the garage door. "You all right, mate?" he asked. His gaze wandered to a car he was working on before he reached for it. "Something wrong with your wheels? You sound like a truck driver who forgot his lunch in his other pants."

"Hey," he said, as the cigarette rested on his lips. "Don't fucking touch anything."

Finch rolled his eyes, but averted his hand. Shepard's focus was back to the leak. Her oil pan seal had a dent that probably appeared when he moved the bike to make space for the car. The seal could be replaced. It was a wonder he hadn't noticed it before now. He was usually both careful and possessive over the MC seeing that he didn't allow anyone to touch her. Do as much as breathe on her and you were bound to receive a real mean right-hook.

The _Moto Guzzi_ was expensive as fuck and he had spared no expense with the few credits he had.

"I'm going to need ten minutes. Replace the oil," Shepard said.

Finch scowled. "Are you kidding me? Ten minutes to change oil? Hell, just take a damn oil canister and pour it in. Thought you were supposed to be the 'master mechanic' around here. Or do you just say that so Jericho won't kick your ass out?"

 _You can't be serious..._

He returned his expression. "This ain't a fucking car, genius," he replied, grabbed a rag from his back pocket and started drying the remaining oil off his hands. "Aged oil needs to be entirely tapped first, and to get the whole load out, you've got to let the engine run for ten minutes so it reaches its normal temperature. I also need to replace the filter."

In the rear-view mirror, Finch threw up his hands in defeat.

 _Idiot._

Shepard wasn't even sure why he tried. "Finchy, make yourself useful. Grab an oil seal."

"A fucking what?"

"An oil seal, jackass. What the fuck do you think it is? Oil. Seal. Can't get more specific than that," he said, amazed by his stupidity. Shepard waved a hand to the workbench in the same room. "Second drawer from the top."

He whistled. "Hey. Easy, Shep... Don't get your panties in a twist."

Finch approached it, obeyed seeing that they would never get moving if he didn't. He pulled out the drawer and started looking through it until he grabbed a cover and waved it in the air. Shepard held out a hand, only to hit his forehead into the handle of the MC, as he instead felt the metal hitting him straight into the kneecap. The shit-eating grin Finch gave him was enough for him to want to put a bullet in his skull.

Shepard groaned. "Son-of-a -! Fucker..."

* * *

They parked their vehicles about a block away from their location. If they brought them in, they would surely be mugged for every last credit, being in rival territory. He could recognized a few of the gang members that he had earlier been in a brawl with, so he pulled up his jacket collar, covering half his face. Shepard sent Curt out to create a distraction while Finch was the lookout.

He dragged his feet towards the entrance. If he was lucky, he could buy some info from someone. Loyalty wasn't worth much seeing that everything came down to money in the long run. Shepard stumped his smoke on a nearby wall and let it drop.

He spun around the cover with his _Edge_ pistol up, only to hear a small and pitiful gasp, ending up face-to-face with a kid who couldn't be more than seven. The kid had to know better than to go up against a guy - obviously older than him - with a gun. The kid was simply another soul with nowhere else to turn. It was easier to buy the loyalty of kids, requiring less to be persuaded with, so things just got a lot easier.

Shepard lowered his arm and pulled out five credits.

"Think you can help me out, kid?" Big eyes wandered to the money, hesitated, before he looked back. "I'm looking for a guy named Aaron." The kid went pale. He looked utterly terrified, making it obvious that he knew him, so Shepard lied. "I just want to talk to him."

He just stood there. "I'm... I'm Aaron," he said, his voice small.

Shepard froze up. That couldn't be right. Aaron was a common name and Jericho wouldn't have sent him to kill a kid. That was downright messed up. He was a reckless asshole, that was for sure, but this was taking it too fucking far.

 _Did Jericho know?_ He shuddered at the thought. _No,_ he thought, and shook his head. _Not a fucking chance._

"You the only 'Aaron' here?" he asked, just to be sure.

When Aaron slowly nodded, face pale as snow, Shepard's brain stopped functioning properly. Before him was two wide eyes that were bound to break into tears. Shepard took another moment to check his surroundings. He was in the right place. It was him. Kids were perfect for rooting out others. Could move around more easily, hide more easily, ears and eyes everywhere without anyone expecting it. Shepard's first years in a gang consisted of just that. He had boundaries to what he was willing to do and killing a kid was crossing a line. He wanted to help him, but fuck, there wasn't anything he could do.

He would've escaped from the life of crime himself if only he knew how without dooming himself in the process.

Shepard clutched the gun, saw Aaron avert his eyes before he slammed them shut, as tears begun streaming down his face. He had no idea how to deal with a crying kid. Shepard shoved the gun into his belt. He hesitated before he crouched down to be face-to-face with him, not to seem intimidating, as it worked for animals.

He awkwardly cleared his throat.

"Uh... kid," he said, and reached out to try comfort him in some way. Shepard quickly took his hand back when Aaron's muscles tensed. Bad move. "Sorry. Look, I didn't know you were a kid, so... fuck. Sorry. You're safe, okay? I ain't gonna hurt you. I promise." He held up his hands. "Look, no gun." Aaron eventually managed to slowly pry his eyes open, blinked a few times, before turning to him again. Shepard slowly raised the credits up to him not to startle the kid and held them up.

"Here," he added. "I promised you this if you told me who Aaron was, and you did, so here you go."

Aaron gazed somewhat hesitantly at the money. His expression was uncertain. Shepard put them down on the floor before him, slowly pulled up from the ground, and backed a few steps. The kid seemed to relax slightly again. He held Shepard with his eyes as he crouched down to take them as if he expected him to act when he was off-guard.

Shepard felt like he should say something.

Moving a hand to rub his neck, he said, "Hey, uh... for the record... you really pissed off my boss. He saw you as a threat. You must be pretty good, huh?" Aaron's eyes lit up, and then a careful smile showed itself on his mouth. "Take care of yourself, kid."

He found Finch and Curt and told them that it was done.

A bomb of uneasiness went off in his abdomen knowing he needed to give Jericho a convincing lie. The target was still alive, but Jericho didn't know that, and it was better to keep it that way. There was only one person in the galaxy he could trust with what happened - a damn attractive bartender named Ace Hunt that he met about a year ago - but even so, he couldn't tell him about it, because Shepard had earlier lied to him that he had left the Reds behind. Ace was also the only one alive that knew Shepard's first name.

He managed to keep it under wraps for a week - but shit went down resulting in Ace's death - and he was on the run for his life.

Shepard had a huge bounty on his head. Some bastard had found out about him backing out from killing Aaron and Jericho got ahold of the information. The guy he once called 'his boss' had pinned the whole incident that nearly ruined their whole business on him, giving the Alliance an anonymous call, saying Shepard was behind it. The whole city was looking for him. He was a wanted man, both by the Reds and the Alliance. For the first time in forever, he had no goal, no plan and no one to turn to.

...and it scared the crap outta him.

* * *

Eventually he came by a coffee shop. The local was far from packed. His hand was clutched around a just-bought cappuccino, or whatever the fuck it was called, seeing that they didn't serve anything but coffee. Shepard have never had coffee before.

The Alliance had no face to go after, only descriptions. Blue eyes, dark brown hair three inches long in length, often oil stains in clothes, usually wearing torn jeans and a black leather jacket. They also had his last name. Shepard. His mind tricked him into hearing police sirens and the hum of the Reds MC's. Each time he heard the bell above the door go off, his eyes went watchful as people stepped in and out, expecting it to be someone wanting him dead. He had lived just like that for who-knows-how long.

His throat went dry when the next person arrived through the doorway. Straight posture, uniform, definitely Alliance.

He didn't care to get a good look at him and tried to make himself as small as possible as he sat at the inner table. He tried to inconspicuously cover his face without seeming to obvious. It was confusing why an Alliance Officer would look for him and not send one of their jarheads to do it for him. The guy was alone and had most likely seen his motorcycle outside. Shepard had expected to hear a gun cock when he reached his table, but he didn't, and instead heard a calm voice.

"You're a long way from home, son."

 _Fuck._

He didn't look up, but in his peripheral vision, he could see the guy slump into the seat before him.

"It isn't safe out here alone," he added "...and those cuts on your face? Better allow someone to look at them."

Shepard scoffed. "Yeah, I'm aware of that. Thanks," he said dryly. "Congratulations, you found me. You going to cuff me or what?"

He looked up and saw the guy clearly. He was an older man, definitely in his middle thirties. The guy didn't answer at first and seemed unfazed by Shepard's unyielding hostility.

"I'll might have to but that's not why I'm here. You're Shepard, correct?" he asked, and Shepard snorted without humor.

 _Obviously._

That was apparently answer enough for him.

"My name is David Anderson," he added. "I'm from the Alliance. You're a smart kid. I'm sure you've figured that out by now. I can see that you're aware of the situation we've found ourselves in, but I can also see that you are making no attempt of fighting back."

 _What's the point? I can't go up against the whole fucking Alliance._

"Listen up, son -"

"I'm not your son, old man," he snapped, lifting the coffee to his mouth

"Well listen up either way, because that attitude is going to get you nothing more than a kick in the ass."

Shepard nearly choked on his drink, started sputtering and coughing like a madman on red sand. He sure as hell hadn't expected to hear that from this 'Anderson' guy... and fuck, coffee tasted like shit. Never again.

 _Why the hell does people like this stuff?_

He scowled and pushed it aside.

"The reason why I was able to track you down here is thanks to a kid who called himself 'Aaron'," he added. Shepard froze. "Good. You remember him. An Alliance unit asked around for you and he approached one of the soldiers that later reported back to me. It became obvious to me that it went deeper than all this, The incident that you're supposedly responsible off? It was brutal. A massacre. A man able to pull that off wouldn't care when it came to pulling the trigger on a 7-year-old."

"And the point of all this?" he asked.

"The point is that we both know you're innocent." There was a subtle softened change in his facial features, and Anderson seemed to have noticed. "There's no hard evidence against you. Hell, they point to someone else when the crime scene was investigated more thoroughly, proving you were simply caught in the crossfire. I can't say more. It's classified. Either way, refusing to kill that kid revealed that there's yet some humanity left in there. There's not many your age that still holds onto your morals. To some extent." Anderson's hands connected at the tabletop. "But you're still a member of a gang. A criminal. I'm here to offer you an opportunity. A chance to redeem yourself."

"Why the fuck do you bother?"

He let out a heavy sigh. "Because it's the right thing to do," he simply said, centering an authoritarian look on the seventeen-year-old. "We don't get to choose how we start in this life. Real greatness... is what you do with the life you're dealt. There's some humanity behind that cocky exterior, and whether you refuse to see it or not, it's there. I have a feeling you're going to do well in the Alliance. So what do you say?"

"What do _*I*_ get from this?"

"A place where you can feel safe from these gangs," he replied, as if it was obvious. "I'll push your records aside and we'll see where this takes us. Offer still stands. Can we count on you?"

It was an opportunity. He could live. There was a moment of silence as Shepard's jaw clenched. He ducked his head, fidgeted with the cup while leaning back in the seat. His fingers trimmed at the rim of it as if he had a song stuck in his head.

"Fine," he muttered.

"Say again?"

He scowled again. "Yes, _sir."_

"That's better. You know where the headquarters are?" Shepard only gave him a slow nod in reply. "Good. We'll see if you've got the guts for this job soon enough." Anderson pulled himself up from the chair and was about to go.

"John," he said, not able to stop himself.

The words came out before he could stop it. It was enough to catch Anderson's attention as he stopped with a puzzled look. Shepard might've made the biggest mistake of his life but it was too late to back out now.

"My name. John Shepard," he added.

"Well then, John. You came to your senses."

"Don't mistake my cooperation for trust... and fuck, don't call me 'kid.' I turn 18 in three days."

"Then get off your sorry ass and start acting like it."

Normally, Shepard would _kick the ass_ of anyone that dared to speak to him like that, but Anderson seemed like a guy you didn't mess with. Fuck, Shepard knew he would probably be knocked on his own ass if he tried, and he didn't need his pride to be wounded in such a way.

"I see potential in you, son," he continued. "Now it's your turn to act upon it. You'll thank me one day."


	2. Ch 2: Biotic Reflex

**Chapter 2: Biotic Reflex**

* * *

 _"Son-of-a..." - Jeff 'Joker' M_ _oreau_

In which our two leads meet.

* * *

Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, a biotic at the age of 32, was flattered to be handpicked to serve aboard the _SSV Normandy SR-1._ The crew of the ship had lined themselves up in the comm-room after being introduced to the frigate that they would be serving on. She had impressive architecture with a really big drive core, being a huge ship and certainly an expensive project. Captain David Anderson stood tall before them with hands clasped behind his back.

"All right, crew. Welcome aboard the _SSV Normandy,"_ he said. "I'm Captain David Anderson and in charge of this ship. Humans and turians collaborated on an engineering project co-sponsored by the Citadel Council to create her. She has the most advanced technology a frigate in the Alliance can offer with her very own stealth system. I personally requested the best to serve on this prototype. You have been handpicked by trustworthy sources because we know we can count on you to operate the _Normandy."_

The comm-room door slid open and a young man entered with firm steps. His attention obliviously wandered from Anderson to the door. He froze in the moment he lay eyes upon the stranger. Oxygen unexpectedly left his lungs and he felt like he has been punched in the gut.

Anderson smiled. "XO Shepard. Good to see you made it up here."

This 'Shepard' gave Anderson a nod and lined himself up beside him before letting his hands connect behind his back. He stood in a tall erect posture with his chin slightly raised and a steady gaze, awaiting orders. Shepard was nothing like he had pictured (which was a grizzly old veteran) after having heard of his incredible feats via news vids that made him seem like some sort of god. He couldn't be more than 30 years old.

He was 29, judging by the fact that he was 23 during the mission on Akuze, but the equation didn't add up.

"Shepard here is our executive officer," Anderson continued. "You might know his name or have seen him on a news vid already. He was the only survivor on Akuze after thresher maws wiped out his unit and managed to live through extreme survival situations, as well as physiological stresses, and physical torment. His capabilities did not go unnoticed, not by the Alliance. I trust the man with my life."

The first thing he noticed when Shepard stepped into the room was his piercing blue eyes placed evenly apart. The man's eyebrows were dark and slightly curved, almost expressionless. He had the face of someone who had seen the war, but amazingly enough, had remained young in appearance. He had the basic dark military cut, a small scar quaintly placed at the left side on his hairline, high cheekbones, a five o'clock shadow, a strong jawline, full lips that preserved its masculinity, a narrow nose and a sculpted and unlined face. Shepard couldn't be more than a mere inch taller than him. He was strong built, focused, handsome... he was definitely handsome.

Hell... he was _hot._

"Lieutenant?"

Kaidan didn't realize he had been staring until it was too late. His attention settled at Anderson who seemed nothing but puzzled as unwavering stares focused entirely on him. He despised being in the center of attention, but hell, this was his own fault.

"Sorry, sir. Won't happen again. I'm just surprised, that's all."

 _Well done, Kaidan. Great first impression._

"That's okay, Alenko," he heard a dark, modulated and masculine voice. When he turned back to face Shepard, he immediately encountered an inviting warmth as he met the incredibly blue hue, seeming entirely out of this galaxy. When Shepard offered him a friendly, subtle smile, he felt his chest tightening beneath his civvies.

The XO held the glance for what felt like forever before he continued. "I get that a lot."

It came as a relief that he didn't appear insulted by his unprofessional reaction. Judging by the fact that he knew his name, he had already gone through their files. He was dedicated, that was for sure. Kaidan had to admit that he never expected to serve with the sole survivor of Akuze.

* * *

Their next mission would take place at the colony of Eden Prime.

Captain Anderson, Admiral Hackett and Ambassador Udina had handpicked Shepard to be in charge of the operation. The mission was assigned the very same year the _Normandy_ received her crew, not giving much time to get to know each other before setting out, so they were almost strangers still.

Kaidan was seated in the black-leathered chair by the secondary controls of the _Normandy._

"The Arcturus Prime relay is in range. Initiating transmission sequence. The relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector. All stations secure for transit," the ship's pilot - Joker - reported. "The board is green. Approach run has begun. Hitting the relay in 3... 2... 1... Thrusters... check. Navigation... check. Eh, I guess it could be worse. Well done, Pres!" Joker turned to the navigator and only received a weary look in reply before Pressly turned on his heel and went back to work. "Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift... just under 1500 K."

"1500 is good," Nihlus - a Council Spectre - said. "Your captain will be pleased."

The turian left the cockpit.

Joker sighed. "It's always green and red. Why not _pink_ and _neon-blue?"_

Kaidan's eyes rolled skyward. From the corner of his eye, he glimpsed Shepard lining himself up behind Joker's chair where he let his hands connect behind his back in a military pose. Joker was almost too focused on flying the _Normandy_ to even realize that he was there. It was one hell of a story to how Joker ended up piloting the most advanced frigate the Alliance had. Turned out that stealing a ship and putting her through her paces was enough to convince the higher-ups.

"Spectres are trouble. I don't like having him on board." Joker leant in towards the controls as if he had spotted something on the radar. "Call me paranoid."

"You're paranoid," Kaidan said simply.

The Alliance dealt with a lot of classified information. Classified information and few questions. It was one of the first regulations that they operated on a strictly need-to-know basis. He had to admit that it made little sense to send a Spectre when they were just supposed to test out the stealth system, but either way, he accepted the fact that he wasn't obligated to know everything.

"They don't send Spectres on shakedown runs, Alenko." Shepard's inquiry was an addition to Joker's ego that he definitely didn't need. "The Council's got more important things to take care of." A shit-eating grin appeared on Joker's face. Ego increased.

"See that?" Joker asked. "So there's more going on here than the Captain's letting on -"

 _"Joker!"_ Anderson's voice punctured him mid-sentence. It looked like it gave Joker a heart attack as he snapped back in his seat and amazingly enough managed to plunge his thumb into the dashboard.

"Son-of-a..."

 _"Status report."_

Kaidan smirked and shot a glance towards Joker while he could tell the commander himself struggled with keeping a straight face. It didn't take long before Anderson called for Shepard to meet him in the comm-room, so he pivoted on his heel and took off.

* * *

Shepard debriefed him and Corporal Jenkins before they reached the colony of Eden Prime. It came to light that a research team had unearthed some kind of prothean beacon during an excavation. That was why Nihlus was there. He was also there to evaluate Shepard for the Spectres. The protheans were a superior race that mysteriously died out 50,000 years ago, so recovering such an artifact would prove most useful to find out about their history. The mission was to recover the beacon ASAP to be brought to the Citadel for proper study. They had picked up a ship on a video transmission that they had never seen the like of before and had to investigate.

The ground team - Kaidan, Shepard and Jenkins - were the strike team.

It seemed far too quiet after Shepard's description of what he had seen on the vid, so he carefully watched all angles, ready for anything. However, two geth drones spawned and shot the corporal down in mere seconds. His eagerness to prove himself had cost him dearly.

This was the first time Shepard had lost a soldier after Akuze.

Kaidan could tell that Akuze weighted heavy on him. He could picture himself being caught off-guard by thresher maws, the smell and the adrenaline, he could picture being the only one able to survive through physiological stresses as the rest of his team had met a premature death. Shepard didn't exactly know Corporal Richard L. Jenkins like he did, but a life was still a life, and he was definitely touched by it judging by the way he had gotten even quieter than usual. He didn't think that was possible. Shepard had a permanent stoic demeanor that he couldn't read.

The colony was surrounded by geth - synthetic life forms created by the quarians that developed AI "Artificial Intelligence" after time and rebelled when they realized the quarians were going to disable them, making the situation far more precarious. They ran into Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams - the only soldier left standing - who joined them on their mission. Not only did Jenkins lose his life. They later found out that Nihlus had joined the same fate as he had been gunned down by another Spectre by the name of Saren. Kaidan, Shepard and Williams proceeded to the cargo train surrounded by hostiles.

Seeing Shepard move up without a second thought and swiftly bringing down two geth snipers took him by surprise. Kaidan had seen a couple news vids, but he never would've believed how impressive Shepard was in the field if he hadn't seen it firsthand. He was a damn charger, Kaidan halfway expecting him to go down almost immediately, so how he had managed to stay alive for so long was strange to him.

He shook off the thought.

The area appeared clear after a couple minutes. As they let down their guard, believing it was over, a geth destroyer appeared unexpected. It placed Shepard in a rather tricky position when it charged with a damn rocket launcher.

Kaidan's eyes widened. "Shepard, look out!"

He immediately readied his biotics as if his own life depend on it. In a second, the geth destroyer was brought onto the ground. Shepard moved an arm in front of his eyes not to get blinded by the explosion. His surprised expression probably mirrored his thoughts. Kaidan had to be at least thirty feet away from the damned thing. He had acted on sudden impulse that he didn't even realize he had.

Kaidan's breathing was heavy as he had used far more energy than calculated. His implant had flared up and a headache was beginning to form. He caught Shepard's eye as his hand joined the other on his assault rifle and was given a nod in thanks. Heading forward with the cargo train, they took care of some explosive charges that the geth had planted. Not only was Shepard good in the field, he also knew how to dismantle them in seconds, only adding to his skill set. The beacon was huge and shared similarities with the wiring of the geth themselves when it showed itself on a platform before them.

Shepard turned away from the monument to scout for more geth with keen eyes and touched his transmitter.

"Roger that, _Normandy._ Standing by... and Joker - get that damned drink away from the dashboard." Shepard let his hand drop, and Kaidan nearly startled when realizing that he was being spoke to. "I'm not an expert on biotics, lieutenant - but that back there on the cargo train... never seen anything like it."

He blinked. "I, ah... Thank you, Commander. Reflexes. Guess being a biotic pays off."

Kaidan noticed how that might've sounded like an insult and could swear his own face turned into a new shade of red. Shepard was, after all, just a soldier with no biotic capabilities. He opened his mouth to correct himself until a small, and he could swear - amused - smirk tugged at the corners of Shepard's lips. It was gone in the second it appeared. Kaidan cocked an eyebrow when seeing the sudden change in his expression, unable to recollect his thoughts before an arm wrapped around his waist so he was forced to turn with his body, carefully pushing through.

Everything went to hell after that.

Shepard had been knocked unconscious when saving Ashley from the beacon that had begun pulsing with an unfamiliar invisible force. After that, Kaidan had picked him up in a fireman-carry and brought him back to the ship. Williams could probably feel nothing but guilt and anger that Shepard had taken such a beating because of her. If she hadn't approached the beacon, this would never have happened, but no one blamed her.

The beacon had exploded.

Williams pulled off her helmet in a slow movement. She carefully glanced at Shepard that had been placed at a med-bay gurney before them with guilt-ridden eyes. Shepard was still unconscious and it didn't look like he was going to wake up anytime soon.

"He's going to be fine, Williams. It's Shepard, after all." Kaidan took off his own headgear and glanced at Dr. Chakwas "...right?"

She nodded. "I'm sure he'll pull through, lieutenant. It does not look severe," she said, gently pulling off Shepard's helmet. She let her eyes search the room and frowned. "Where's Jenkins?"

 _As if Shepard being unconscious wasn't bad enough._

"I'm sorry, Doctor." The lines in Chakwas' face retracted as well as Williams', who had heard Kaidan's report to the _Normandy,_ when she was still hunched over Shepard. "Jenkins... He didn't make it."

He didn't need to say anything more.

"I see..." Chakwas wore a deadpan expression, and moved her attention back to Shepard. "You two should get comfortable until Anderson decides what to do next. He's in good hands, I assure you."

Kaidan gave him one last glance with a wavering look before he and Williams left the room, letting Chakwas do her job.

* * *

He and Williams retreated to the mess after changing to civilian clothes to get some food after such a hectic experience. Kaidan had yet to get over what happened down at Eden Prime and Williams was no different. She was pacing. The beacon had knocked Shepard out, but at the same time, it didn't explain why it exploded.

"Can't believe that just happened." Her voice was low as she was halfway through the doorway to the mess, Kaidan close behind. "I mean, holy crap, I didn't mean to activate the damned thing. I hope he's all right. If he joins the rest of my squad in their fate, I'm shit out of luck."

"Dr. Chakwas knows what she's doing," Kaidan said. "If she says he'll pull through, he'll pull through."

Chakwas was a very dedicated doctor. She had been in the business for years and definitely knew what she was doing. Judging by the fact that Kaidan had to take medication himself for headaches and migraines - thanks to his L2 implant - he was more than willing to trust the doctor's abilities. The _Normandy_ would feel rather empty without her motherly love and support.

Williams slumped into one of the chairs by the mess table. "What do you think it was that caused it to explode like that, Lt?"

"Can't tell," he replied, and snagged two beers. "Might've been a system overload or something. The protheans weren't exactly a straightforward people, after what I've heard. It's old tech - 50,000 years. Wouldn't be too surprised if it was too foreign to understand. Too... old."

She nodded. "I suppose that makes sense... Thanks," she said, accepting the bottle handed to her and took a big swig of it. Kaidan slid into one of the other chairs opposite her and took a sip himself. He leant back, hand resting at the tabletop. She moved the drink away from her full lips and seemed hesitant to bring up what she was about to.

"I assume Jenkins was part of your crew," she added.

"Corporal Richard L. Jenkins, yeah." His eyes focused on the bottle. With weary movements, he shifted it around. "Captain Anderson sent us down there to secure the beacon, you know. Jenkins made a reckless move as we were getting into cover, was gunned down by two geth drones only minutes after arriving at the LZ. Didn't take the mission serious enough as he was bound to prove himself. I can't blame him, though. I understand if he wanted to impress Nihlus..."

He moved the bottle up to his mouth again "...and Shepard, for that matter."

"I'm sorry," she said, and peeled the etiquette from the bottle. "Losing someone under your own command... it's difficult. You feel responsible. The commander was going through that before the beacon, wasn't he? How did he take it?"

"He took it pretty hard, I guess. I mean, I haven't really had the time to get to know him, so I can only judge by what I see. He seemed angry, more..." Kaidan began, and closed his eyes. He moved two fingers to the bridge of his nose, remembering seeing the way his muscles tensed and looked like he was about to break something.

"...determined to succeed."

He could tell she was studying his body language and literally felt like he was on display.

"You look a little under the weather, LT," she said. "You sure you're all right?"

"Yeah... yeah, I'm good. Just a headache. Nothing major."

"Looks like more than a slight headache." He could swear her face lit up a bit as if she just realized something. "I saw you use biotics down at Eden Prime. You're not by any chance an L2, are you?"

Kaidan let out a short breath as in the beginning of a laugh, being somewhat of a trademark.

"Guilty as charged," he replied, revealing a small and sheepish smile. Williams couldn't help but smile back, smugly leaning back in her chair, pleased with herself for guessing correctly. "I got migraines sometimes - as I said, nothing major. I'm lucky if you compare me with other biotics who suffer worse side effects like, you know - small things such as insanity, but, yeah..."

She almost grinned. "You should probably go see the doctor, then."

"I'll drop by sometime later. Shepard's the main focus now. Want Chakwas to be able to work in peace, so I'll wait. Getting him up on his feet is more pressing at the moment than the start of a headache -"

Captain Anderson stepped into the mess, causing their eyes to extend, shooting up from their chairs and gave him a military salute.

"Captain Anderson, sir," Williams said.

Anderson held up a hand. "At ease, soldiers," he said. "Corporal Jenkins and Nihlus is dead. Commander Shepard unconscious. I need to know exactly what happened down by the beacon. Leave no details. That's an order. This was an important mission and there better be a damned good reason why it failed."

He got the story as detailed as possible and made no attempt to hide the disappointment in his voice. Knowing that Saren most likely used that very same beacon had him worried. Saren needed to be stripped of his position at any cost. Ambassador Udina might not be the most pleasant politician out there, but this information had to be delivered to him without question. At once Shepard was up and walking, they'd head for the Citadel Embassies.

Anderson offered Williams to be reassigned to the _Normandy_ that she seemed glad to accept.

Williams blinked. "Well... he took it better than I thought. I know he's normally self-controlled, but I had expected him to at least raise his voice. Sheesh," she muttered, resting a knitted fist at her hip. "I have to admit I didn't expect to be reassigned."

"Glad to have you with us, Williams. You're a good soldier. We could definitely use your talents," Kaidan said, and held out a hand. Her handshake was firm. Just like a soldier.

She flashed a coy smile. "Whoa, lieutenant. Don't go all sentimental on me now."

That earned her a chuckle.

Kaidan dropped by the med-bay later. Chakwas had reassured them that Shepard was going to be all right, as there was no physical or mental damage. It was a relief.

Shepard was going to be fine.


	3. Ch 3: Regs

**Chapter 3: Regs**

* * *

 _"Does biotics have mind-control abilities?" - John Shepard_

In which Shepard admits he knows absolutely nothing about biotics.

* * *

Shepard found himself lying back down on a gurney in the med-bay.

"Doctor? Doctor Chakwas?" A voice. Williams, sounded like. "I think he's waking up."

He managed to pry heavy lids open and blinked a couple times. His thoughts recollected as a flash of light nearly blinded him. There was a basic lamp directly above where he lay. He tried pulling his body up with weary movements and planted his feet on the ground. His body felt just as heavy as he sat. Part of him just wanted to slump back onto the bed and sleep it off. His hand reached for the head that was thumping like crazy.

Shepard felt like death itself and that was putting it mildly. His brain was a complete mess. He remembered that very feeling back in his teenage years when he participated in underage drinking and woke up with his first hangover. It wasn't a good memory. Especially when he received the property-destruction bills the very day after. Worst thing, he remembered exceedingly little of the whole event. His friends weren't exactly helpful around the matter, either. They were the 'take pictures and laugh' type of people. Glancing over his shoulder, he could see Chakwas approach him. She slumped over with weary steps as if she had been on a twenty-four-hours-shift and was longing to get home.

"You had us worried there, Shepard," she said. Her voice was caring. Soothing. "How are you feeling?"

He groaned. "Like the morning after shore leave. How long was I out?"

"About fifteen hours."

It was well over halfway to a twenty-four-hours-shift.

Dr. Karin Chakwas wasn't known to give up on her patients easily and did everything in her power to help. She shared a special bond with Joker who had brittle-bone disease because she had treated him for a while and made sure he took his medication. If she didn't pay close attention, Joker would just ignore it, seeing as he despised taking medication. It wasn't exactly boosting his morale with the horrible taste needing flushed down with a ton of water to get the gist.

"Something happened down there with the beacon, I think," Chakwas added, shaking her head.

Williams looked nervous as she was shifting behind him with crossed arms, a concerned expression shrouding her face. She had big, hopeful eyes for well measure. Williams looked like a kicked puppy and Shepard couldn't help but feel bad for her. She apologized for what happened to him but Shepard reassured her that it wasn't her fault. She seemed to appreciate his words by revealing a soft smile, a faint blush in her cheeks as her eyes fell to the floor, which had him puzzled as he arched a brow.

Chakwas snapped him from his thoughts. "Physically, you're doing fine. But I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs often associated with intense dreaming."

A heavy heel soon slammed into the room. Shepard quickly straightened up and snapped a salute when Anderson approached. After inquiring that he needed to speak with Shepard in private, he shared some classified information about Saren, saying he had worked with him before. A Spectre that had gone rogue wasn't good for business and he wanted to know if Shepard had seen anything.

"Just before I lost consciousness, I had some kind of vision," he said, as his back encountered the not-so-comfortable gurney behind him. "I saw synthetics. Geth, maybe. Slaughtering people..." Shepard's glare settled at Anderson. "Butchering them."

The information from the beacon could've been lost technology or blueprints for a dangerous weapon.

In the wrong hands, that could prove severe consequences, which directed them to Ambassador Udina. He was a living example of grumpy politicians. The Ambassador had always rubbed him the wrong way, but he had little patience for politicians in general, as he hated politics.

When he exited the med-bay not long after, he conversed with Williams and welcomed her aboard the _Normandy._

"Dr. Chakwas." He made her aware of his presence, and she almost jumped. "Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." Chakwas let out a relieved sigh and held up a hand to let him know that it was all right. "I noticed Lieutenant Alenko was by the med-bay as I for a brief moment regained consciousness. Was he or Williams wounded on Eden Prime?"

"You have nothing to trouble yourself with, Commander. They're both unharmed," she reassured him. "Kaidan takes painkillers regularly because of his L2 implant."

Shepard went narrow-eyed. "What does that have to do with it?"

"Well, most biotics now use the L3 implants," she replied, and raised a finger to the back of her head. "Lt. Alenko was wired with the old L2 configuration. Sometimes there are complications. Severe mental disabilities, insanity, crippling physical pain... There's a long list of horrific side effects. Kaidan's lucky - he just gets migraines."

He had to admit that he found himself intrigued by biotics, but it could also be his interest in the biotic himself. He would've lied if he said that Alenko wasn't attractive. He would do exceptionally well as a stripper or something if he went for it.

Realization carved into his mind, _He would surely be a favorite judging by his looks..._

"I see." He was curious at the imagery, and received a puzzled look from Chakwas with no clue what just went through his mind. Probably for the best. "In that case. Thanks, Chakwas. I had no idea."

"Are you all right, Commander?"

"Just great," he lied, moving towards the stairs to the upper level. "Thanks, Doc!"

Eyes not focusing on the path before him, he managed to barge his hip into the edge of the mess table. He winced at the slight prickling pain that seeped up his leg when taking after a chair to remain standing. A strangled sound escaped Williams' mouth as she covered it to hide the grin forming on her face. Chakwas took after her head.

Williams bit into her lower lip. "Easy there, Commander. You'll might break something."

He cleared his throat and straightened.

"Acknowledged."

* * *

The Citadel was a massive station in scope where the Council held place. The sheer beauty surely was a welcome sight. It looked like an inside oasis with skycars roaming the open area with rich architecture. Of course, most of it was fake, but it did remind him of home. Of Earth. He realized in that very moment how much he missed it. All the way from the sunsets to the rainy days surpassed his mind. He missed the natural daylight. The synthetic headlights encompassing their path just wasn't the same.

The Normandy docked at bay D422 without any complications.

Anderson brought Shepard, Alenko and Williams to the ambassador's office, where Udina couldn't resist bringing up Eden Prime and how they failed a simple mission. Throughout the entire conversation, Shepard was fighting the far too tempting urge to punch the ambassador in the face, but that would look bad on his résumé. He had better self-control than that as well. They had no idea what they walked into but were all aware that the mission on Eden Prime was important.

His concerns were justified. The fact that it failed bothered Shepard just as much as it bothered the ambassador. When they exited the elevator leading to the Citadel Tower, he overheard a rather heated conversation between two turians, both in C-Sec. One of them was looking for evidence that would secure Saren being stopped. He wanted more time for the investigation but his boss Pallin, being the other turian, dismissed the request. When his superior walked away, his attention settled at the ground team.

"Commander Shepard?" he asked, but didn't seem to need any form of confirmation. He introduced himself with a nod. "Garrus Vakarian. I was the officer in charge of the C-Sec investigation into Saren."

"Seems like you really want to bring him down. Bad blood?"

Vakarian folded his arms across his chest. "Saren has always rubbed me the wrong way," he said, shaking his head. "Cocky bastard is what he is. Apparently, he's a raving lunatic, too. He's giving us turians a bad name."

"Yeah, I saw his handiwork on Eden Prime. Turians are known for their precision work, but instead of sniping Nihlus at an acceptable distance, he used a pistol. It's insulting."

He snorted. "I'm going to like you, Commander."

"You bet."

The hearing didn't go as smoothly as he had hoped. They didn't have enough evidence for the Council to strip Saren from his position. Not even a live witness that they encountered on Eden Prime was enough. During their investigation on the Citadel, they ran into several people willing to help with the mission. Tali'Zorah, a quarian tech-expert and Wrex, a krogan mercenary. Vakarian joined them as well.

Tali had an audio file that held evidence about Saren going rogue and confirmed that Saren wasn't working alone. There was also a woman. Tevos confirmed that she went by the name of Benezia. The audio file also mentioned 'The Conduit,' uncertain what it was, and a name that Shepard could swear he had heard before.

The reapers.

The reapers were sentient machines that existed thousands of years ago and brought destruction upon the entire galaxy. Those creatures appeared in the vision on Eden Prime. Saren wanted to bring the reapers back and that was enough evidence for the Council to strip him from his position. The Councilors were however not convinced that the reapers were real, and because of this, they wanted to stay out of it.

Sending their fleet into the Terminus System could trigger a war, so instead of doing that, they sent Shepard.

Tevos asked him to step forward to receive his new title of Spectre. Anderson turned to him with a proud smile and gave him a nod. Citizens in the Citadel Tower collected themselves around the Council.

"You are the First Human Spectre, Commander," the asari Councilor said. "This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species."

 _Well... shit._

Anderson would step down as Captain of the _Normandy_ so that Shepard could take over for the mission. He brought Vakarian, Tali and Wrex along, who would surely prove useful. They later set course for Artemis Tau to find a doctor named Liara T'Soni, being Benezia's daughter.

* * *

"Wrex, Alenko - you're needed on ground team." Shepard straightened his gauntlet as his fingers spread. "We have a doctor to find."

Wrex pounded his hands hard together. "Finally, some action!" he called. Shepard tilted his head up with a half-smile, not being surprised by his reaction. "My shotgun is cold, pyjak. Let's find something to kill."

"Noted," he replied, as they head towards the Mako. "Move out."

When they arrived at Artemis, it was revealed that T'Soni wasn't working for Benezia. They brought her to the _Normandy_ to help with the mission. Asari were a very intelligent species and could see the images that had been projected into Shepard at Eden Prime. T'Soni offered to see if she could make any sense of it. Shepard accepted. She called it 'embracing eternity.' However, the beacon was too damaged to understand.

Their next destination was a colony by the name of Feros, which had been attacked by the geth, but it would take time before they arrived.

Shepard decided to check up on the crew to see if they had any second thoughts. Wrex retreated to the mess to basically raid the kitchen, Vakarian was doing some 'calibrations' and Tali was asking Engineer Adams even more questions about the prototype ship that she was more than fascinated about. T'Soni was still recovering from their 'mind-joining.' Shepard made sure that he had the chance to speak with everyone before they arrived at Noveria.

* * *

Kaidan saw Shepard calmly approaching him as he tapped on his omni-tool.

They hadn't exactly spoken one-on-one before if you look away from their brief conversation at Eden Prime. It had to be important if Shepard would so casually approach him. The first thing that came to his mind was, _What did I do?_ It didn't exactly help that he at the moment had the start of a headache to be occupied with.

"Shepard," he said, eyes widening slightly while he straightened up - a little too quickly - because his head started to spin. He flagged it off. "Anything you need, Commander?"

"Yeah, I need you to relieve me from these reports," he replied, and his back came in contact with the concrete behind him. "I always get my ass handed to me when the politicians are around. Not to mention the damned lectures, reports and the need of control at every port. There's surveillance everywhere at the Citadel. Hell, I always feel like I'm being watched. Don't assume you can use those biotics of yours on the politicians?"

"I'm afraid not, sir. That's against the regs."

He frowned. "Damn... and here I thought my life could become a lot easier. Managed to get my hands on one of the cameras during shore leave, though. See, right here."

Shepard edged closer to him, giving a good view of the omni-tool and heedlessly bumped a shoulder into his because of it. It was an unexpected but not unwelcoming gesture. Kaidan let his hand wander across his face until it hovered over his mouth, blinked owlishly, cocking a brow and folded his arms across his chest. He leant his back to the concrete as well as Shepard and grinned at the vid that showed the owner of Flux, Doran the volus, dancing.

Shepard once again nudged a shoulder into him as if trying to activate a mechanism.

"Does biotics have mind-control abilities?" he added.

"Sadly, no. That's also against the regs."

"Shame... Always wanted to see a dancing turian Councilor."

Kaidan obliviously avoided the fact that Shepard stood less than two feet away from him. He didn't mind one bit, proving curious, as he didn't really let people get this close to him. It was different with Shepard somehow. There was something about him. Kaidan had a tendency to assume that Shepard had more important things to do in his spare time than speak with him, but Shepard didn't seem to appreciate that thought-process, because he appeared to care for his whole team. He always checked up on the crew and was willing to talk if they needed to.

His eyes were back to the omni-tool when he noticed a certain report on the side of the video.

"Speaking of politics... Were you planning on sending that in?"

"Yeah... no," Shepard hesitated. "Was about to. Wrote that in a bad mood. Decided to give it another look before Hackett got his hands on it. As you can see, most of this doesn't even sound like words."

...

 **ARCTURUS STATION**

 ** _SSV NORMANDY SR-1_**

 **Office of the Commanding Officer**

 **SUBJECT:** Mission report on Artemis Tau, 2183

 **TO:** ADMIRAL HACKETT, Fifth Fleet.

.

1\. The following information is submitted concerning mission of the _SSV Normandy SR-1,_ 2183

a. Shore party stationed at Artemis Tau in search for Doctor Liara T'Soni, daughter of Matriarch Benezia.

b. Sightings of geth are at significantly smaller - situation seems to be improving.

c. T'Soni proves to be on our side.

d. Met a krogan mercenary in pursuit of the doctor.

e. Mercenary eliminated.

f. Geth threat eliminated.

g. Tricky escape as prothean ruin collapsed.

h. No casualties.

i. Met up with _Normandy_ at drop point.

.

 **PS:** The beds ain't improving either, jackasses! How am I supposed to have my team at one-hundred percent when they're sleeping in fucking pods, for fuck's sake! Get your shit together!/blockquote

...

"Yeah, try to replace 'ain't' with 'are not' in the first sentence, and drop 'jackasses.' And less swearing in the penultimate sentence."

Shepard looked stunned. _"_ _Penultimate?_ For god's sake, Alenko. Speak English," he replied, the deadpan expression still on his face. "I can pretend the beacon indoctrinated me and start writing reports in prothean. Maybe that'll get 'em off my back."

He chortled, but stopped himself halfway, clearing his throat. Laughing didn't exactly help with his current condition. A small smile tugged at Shepard's mouth - almost mischievous - and shut the omni-tool off. Kaidan felt his muscles begin to relax, couldn't help but return one, trying to avoid the hammering in his head.

His CO sure had an amazing smile shown far too rarely.

This was a side of Shepard that he'd never seen. Once again, he had a completely different image on who Shepard truly was, and he had to admit he liked what he was seeing. The man was funny. Most commanders had 'a stick up their ass' if you use that saying. Yet, here he was, joking around in the company of his lieutenant and even stealing surveillance footage just for the heck of it. Shepard was a completely different person when they weren't in the field. It was amazing how quickly he could go from 'commander' to 'civilian.' Either way, he was his commanding officer, and Kaidan treated him as such. At the same time, he knew there had to be another reason for why he decided to approach him in the first place. The two exchanged looks and a small smile, but didn't hold it for more than a few seconds, as Shepard looked away.

"We spoke at Eden Prime, but never managed to finish the conversation."

He knew exactly where he was going.

"Commander -"

"I have eyes, lieutenant," Shepard said, folding his arms across his chest. "I've noticed you take after your temples once in a while. Chakwas told me you were an L2 and that there are complications along with it. She also told me you were lucky not to suffer worse side effects. Making sure my crew's content is just as important as stopping Saren, so don't sell yourself short. I need you all at 100 percent through this."

Of course it had to be about the L2 implant.

"Sorry, Shepard, but I'm fit for duty. You don't have to worry about it jeopardizing the mission," he replied, but his lids suddenly felt heavy. Eyes forced tightly shut for a moment. When he opened them again, Shepard could easily tell that he was about to have another one, pupils not focusing on any specific point. He almost felt like he was about to pass out, but snapped back.

"I won't let you down," he added.

"Alenko."

Kaidan softly exhaled and accepted the fact that he was caught red-handed. He might've had some kind of experience, seeing the signs of a migraine, but he was a tough man to read. Shepard rarely showed emotions, not entirely up to the point of 'keeping his tough-guy image,' but definitely close. Kaidan was convinced that he acted like that to hold onto the unwavering respect that he had gained in his life.

Releasing his arms, Shepard stepped forward. "Here, let me try something."

"Commander, you don't have to -"

"I know. I want to."

His expression mellowed at what felt like true sincerity. His body went rigid when he felt Shepard's fingers softly brush against his skin with a warm, comforting touch, much to his confusion that his body would react in such a way. Shepard moved his hands to each side of his face, thumbs resting at his temples, and Kaidan was flummoxed by the way his eyes pierced into his own.


	4. Ch 4: Virmire

**Chapter 4: Virmire**

* * *

 _"Commander... what kind of girl do you think I am?" - Ashley Williams_

In which a decision is made.

* * *

"Teamwork's important, lieutenant. Cooperate. Migraine or headache?" Shepard asked. Kaidan wasn't very fond of that people fussed over him, but Shepard... Shepard could fuss over him. A little. He was his CO, after all. Either way, he seemed to know what he was doing.

Expelling his breath in a whose, Kaidan said, "Just a headache. How do you know about this stuff, anyways?"

"Had a friend back on Earth, Ace, who used to have headaches during the time I was with the Tenth -"

He noticed how quickly he cut himself off and frowned in hope that would trigger something. Shepard managed to be both restricted and open at the same time. It was as if he held himself back when realizing that he had said too much for his own comfort. Maybe he had a tendency to more than occasionally slip up. It was also a possibility that Kaidan emitted that kind of aura of trust. He would like to think he did.

Shepard's features hardened.

"Anyways, it doesn't matter. I made a few bad calls back then. Shitload of bad decisions. If the Alliance were aware of them all, I'm not sure if I would be entrusted this mission. Not going into details, but I did warn them, so there's that. Akuze was apparently enough to dust that part off the records and assign me to the _Normandy."_

He was curious to what he meant but figured that he couldn't get anything out of him, as it seemed to be a sore topic. He decided to leave it be and asked about something else.

"He was an L2?"

Shepard seemed surprised by his slight change of facial expression.

"Ace? No, he just had headaches. If he was a biotic, I wouldn't be that damned clueless about the subject myself. Wish I knew more about you. It was a big step for humanity to develop implants like that. You're interesting, Alenko."

 _Wait, 'interesting?' 'Biotics' are interesting. Not 'you.'_

He couldn't blame him for slipping up. Everyone were allowed to make mistakes. Even Shepard. He had to be exhausted. Wasting so much time and effort on a soldier's headaches came far down the list of worries when he should start thinking about himself. Take a breather for once. A lot was resting on Shepard's shoulders, but he was selfless, and it was obvious that the condition of his crew mattered to him.

He found himself respecting the man even more than he already did.

"It obviously bothered him, so I did some research to figure out how to prevent them. The headaches," Shepard added, pressing lightly against his grey-shot temple. "Found a few tricks to make the pain go away. A little. At least it was supposed to take the pain away." He frowned. "Hell, I might be doing it wrong. I didn't make it worse, right?"

Dropping the, _"Shepard seemed to know what he was doing..."_

Kaidan blinked. "No, but that's, ah... that's not very comforting, Commander."

"I was really damned talkative back when the galaxy wasn't in balance, too. Maybe that's the reason for his headaches. Poor guy got the worst of it."

"Sorry, I... I kinda have trouble picturing that -"

He interrupted himself, forced to tightly close his eyes, holding back a small moan when Shepard reached a spot that felt straight up amazing. Shepard was far from talkative. He hadn't known his CO before he was assigned to the _Normandy,_ so Kaidan was aware that he wasn't exactly qualified to judge such things, although Shepard most likely knew far more about him than he ever could imagine. The war could change a whole person almost without effort. It was clear that the exact thing had happened to Shepard, even though he was as shielded as he was, making him realize that they had a lot in common.

Shielding and integrity.

"Hey, it's true. I had some troubles back then. I'm fortunate to have had him there to help me through it," Shepard replied, and the hardening of his expression was barely noticeable. "You remind me of him in a way."

Kaidan couldn't help but suspect that this 'Ace' guy was more than a friend.

"Because of the headaches?" he asked with a coy smile, seeing another smile tugging at the corners of his OC's mouth. He took a moment to study his CO's now relaxed face. "You should do that more often."

He was cocked a brow at as if Shepard had read something entirely wrong about him.

"What? Fuss over you?"

"No - smile. It suits you." With that, Shepard tilted his head to meet his eye "...Commander." He had added his CO's title in hope to sound more professional, but it made it even worse, and he immediately regretted opening his mouth. He could swear it was the longest second of his life as the two were just staring at each other for a brief moment.

Shepard cleared his throat. "How's the headache?" he asked, breaking the silence as he let his hands drop. He hadn't even noticed that it was completely gone until now.

"My god... How did you -?"

"I'll take that as a 'yes,' then." Shepard actually sounded amused, crossing his arms again and leaning back. Kaidan could easily feel the heat between them falter, and in some sense, he missed it. "Ever feel like a headache's approaching - just ask me - and the painkillers won't run out so easily. Chakwas had almost run out of supply, last I checked. Need to make a stop at the Citadel soon."

"I don't... want to have you do that, Commander. Don't want to distract you too much. You have a lot of things on your mind."

"You're not distracting me, lieutenant. Not in that way." His tone was comical as if he had been implying something, and Kaidan blinked.

 _Not... 'that' way?_

"If I don't interact with my crew, being in command will go to my head," he added. "I have to preserve some humanity as I act like a mindless husk. You need my professional surveillance. Just being honest."

"Or maybe you're 'just being an ass' -" he said, but froze.

 _Did I just say that aloud?_

"Alenko," Shepard began, leaning in - a faint whiff of his aftershave hit his nostrils and made him lightheaded - the distance between them having considerably decreased.

"...did you just call your CO an ass?"

 _There goes my career._

He cleared his throat. "Yes, sir."

Shepard wore a deadpan expression that he didn't know what to make of. He watched in anticipation as blue eyes fell to the small scar quaintly placed at his lower lip, now inches away, where they lingered. He probably wondered how he got it. Shepard traced his face back up. He was surprised by himself at that point, but just as he was about to apologize, Shepard smirked.

"Fair enough," he replied, seeming impressed. "Down on the floor and give me twenty, lieutenant."

Chortling, he looked away as relief coursed through his veins. Thankfully, he didn't seem to take it to heart. He had already pulled his strings, so hell, he wasn't going to make it any worse. Kaidan gently pushed his body away from the concrete to do his commander's bidding like some sort of wordless apology. At the eighteenth push-up, Shepard was being an ass that he apparently often was personally, placing himself on his back to complicate things. Twenty push-ups was apparently not punishment enough.

There was no denying the muscle-mass atop of him.

"My god..." he breathed startled.

"C'mon, Alenko. This ain't yoga class. Keep up!"

"Agh... you've got the most... interesting view on things."

"Yeah, I got a pretty spectacular view of your ass at the moment. I'm impressed. Do you do squats?"

Judging by the fact that his eyes seemed to linger for a bit, he appeared genuine. Kaidan felt his cheeks flush warm. Shepard squared an ankle over one knee, and he could tell his expression was still deadpan just by his tone.

Grunting, Kaidan asked, "Seriously?"

"C'mon, you're not even trying! Fifteen more."

"H -hey, I've done twenty already!"

"Make that thirty-five. Stop whining."

He grunted again, loud enough for Shepard to take to heart just how much he hated him in that particular moment. When he was finally done, he nearly collapsed onto his abdomen. It sure as hell would be a pain on his muscles in the morning. If he was lucky, he wouldn't need to go through twelve ice bags just to keep himself upraised.

Shepard pulled off of him. "As you were, Alenko," he said, and Kaidan didn't waste another moment to roll onto his back with heavy lids shut.

He knew his CO enjoyed every second of it.

"One might think you're abusing your authority."

"This is just the beginning, LT. I'm going to make your life a living hell."

He deserved that one.

Kaidan exhaled and opened his eyes. That was one way to learn not to back-talk your commander. It just happened, being uncharacteristic, but the mention of his migraines always agitated him. Kaidan was well-aware that the majority of people would stamp him as 'incapable' because of them, angering him to no end, as his migraines rarely interfered with the missions. He knew the signs, so hell, he just had to stay back at the ship when he felt one surfacing.

He wasn't very fond of the idea to stand up again, but when Shepard held out a hand, he hesitated. He almost resisted taking it, not wanting to add to his ego, but eventually allowed him to pull him up. The force used to get him back onto his feet was something else entirely. He wobbled when he stood and literally launched into him. Judging by Shepard's subtle smirk, that was the plan, and he couldn't help but somewhat carefully return the gesture. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

Shepard was a laid-back guy.

"Williams, just in time!" Shepard called as he pulled away, startling him. He looked over his shoulder to see the gunnery chief stepping into the room with a curious look on her face. "Help the lieutenant with some yoga."

"Yeah, no," she mouthed. "You're _not_ getting me in yoga pants, Commander."

"One can hope," he replied, and began moving towards the CIC. "He's fragile, so go easy on him."

 _Look who's talking._

Kaidan made a displeased sound straightening up. The amusement on Williams' face was far too easy to see when she turned to him with a mischievous smirk and a clear one-liner. When she opened her mouth, he held up a hand.

"Don't."

"What?" she asked, and innocently bumped into him. "Not my fault you go all 'gooey eyed' in our commanding officer's presence..."

Kaidan snorted. "Yeah, that's funny."

* * *

About one hour after his conversation in the mess, Shepard had just discussed firepower and their choice of firearms with Garrus. They had received a shipment of the Kassa Fabrication license. Garrus had been monitoring if they were as good as they said and he had just received his report. Williams approached him when he was on his way to the elevator and head down. He had earlier spoken to her about Eden Prime where she mentioned how she blamed herself for it. She had more on her heart.

"Sir. Permission to speak freely, sir."

He blinked. "Granted. What's wrong, Williams?"

Williams was without doubt an Alliance soldier to the core. She knew respect and she knew her limits, but he wasn't very fond of the fact that everyone aboard the _Normandy_ addressed him in such a formal way. They had been working together for a few weeks now. 'Shepard' worked just fine. 'John' would be a little too odd. It felt more intimate that way. Only Ace called him 'John.' Granted, he wasn't around anymore. That was a memory he would rather not think too much about.

"Nothing's wrong, not really..." she muttered, lowering her guard. "I know it's not my place, but I heard about Corporal Jenkins, down at Eden Prime. I've seen soldiers die before, and it never gets any easier. You were the sole survivor after the mission on Akuze. I can't even begin to imagine how many people died down there. I'd be a complete wreck. I... wanted to know how you deal with it."

"It's not easy." He had little interest in speaking about Akuze, but he'd bite. "I vowed not to let it happen again. There's no use dwelling on the past. The way to make it up for them is to win this war, let them know their sacrifice wasn't in vain."

Akuze was a bad memory and Shepard was a rather shielded man. He couldn't allow himself to appear weak if he was to be a commander that so many people relied on. At the same time, that 'shielding' could destroy him one day - not letting people get too close.

"You're right, Commander. Okay, I'll... I'll make sure not to disappoint them. After all that's happening down here, I'm glad that they're up there - a better place."

"They're looking out for us. And we're going to win this war. Even if I die in the process." Shepard wasn't exactly a Christian man, but hell, he wasn't against the idea of something being up there. In Williams' words, _"How can you look out at this galaxy and not believe in something?"_

She revealed a soft smile. "Glad to hear we're on the same page. I'm impressed, Skipper."

"'Skipper,' huh? This is a trap, isn't it?"

He hadn't forgotten the time when Williams let it slip at the Citadel that she was interested in her commanding officer. There was no doubt that Alenko felt uncomfortable, like everyone would, being present at the time. He had quickly added, _"That'll be enough, Chief,"_ for them to continue moving. Her own words, _"If you expect to get me in a tinfoil miniskirt and thigh-high boots, I want dinner first. Sir."_

Her puppy eyes were back in place. "Commander... what kind of girl do you think I am?"

"One that could kick my ass if I tried something," he replied, well-aware of her service record. "I'm hurt. You're an extraordinary woman, Williams. Throwing me around like an information drone won't change that."

"Good answer."

* * *

Upon further investigation in Feros, it appeared that the ExoGeni facility kept some sort of creature for in-depth study, being called a Thorian. The Thorian shared similarities to the reapers as they both had mind-controlling abilities, and had taught Saren to think like a prothean, thanks to something called 'The Cipher.' The vision he'd seen on Eden Prime became clearer, but had to find another beacon to make sense of it.

When they returned to the _Normandy,_ Liara once again saw the images, trying to make sense of them. They found out that the reapers had been wiped out by the protheans and that the beacons were warnings of their return.

The Council contacted the ship, explaining that they had placed several infiltration units throughout the border regions of Citadel space, whereas one of these units were gathering intel on Saren. They had lost contact on the planet Virmire. Reaching the planet, it came to their attention that Saren had set up a research facility, crawling with geth and defenses. Having discovered a cure for the genophage, a genetic mutation making thousands of krogans die in stillbirth, he wanted to breed an army of krogan and use them as slaves. Their mission was to destroy the base before his plan came to fruition.

Because the facility was too well-fortified to drop a nuke from orbit, they had to place the bomb at a precise location, splitting their teams in two. One of them would take out the AA guns by the tower while the other would go in on foot.

Kirrahe needed one of Shepard's crew to join him to take out the AA guns, in which Alenko volunteered, but Williams insisted she would do it.

Shepard turned to the two before they parted ways.

"It doesn't matter if we're not in the same unit, we're still a team," he said, eyes once wandering between the two. "Watch each other's backs, keep your eyes open and fight like I know you can. We'll all come out of this in one piece."

Williams smiled. "You bet, Commander."

Shepard brought Liara and Wrex along for the first push while Kaidan prepared the bomb. It appeared that Saren was studying indoctrination and was using it to control people. They also found another beacon that he willingly activated to make sense of the vision. The hologram of a huge aircraft appeared in the center of the room.

It spoke disembodied in a menacing tone.

 _"You are not Saren."_ The sound of the hologram was eerie, almost an echo, channeling the bowels. _"Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding. There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign!"_ A live reaper. The reapers were harvesting organic life. _"We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution. You exist because we allow it. And you will end because we demand it."_

When the reaper finished speaking, the glass windows of the facility shattered into a million fragments, as if an invisible force had pulled through and awaited their approach. The ship was headed their direction so they had to get to the rendezvous point.

They later got news that Williams and her team was pinned down by the AA tower and needed assistance. The objective of getting there wouldn't be simple. Several reinforcements had arrived at the location between them so they had to battle their way through. The amount of geth were far too many to count as the whole planet was infested with the synthetic lifeforms.

Wrex's eyes followed another geth ship that was descending. "Damn. Geth are sending in reinforcements."

 _"Heads up, L-T,"_ Williams said, and Shepard barged into a halt to get an update. He moved his hand to the transmitter to hear her more clearly. _"We just spotted a troop ship headed to your location."_

Shepard glanced over at the geth ship. "Alenko, can you hold them off?"

The geth swarmed them like moths to a flame.

They knew the risks but they had a mission to complete. The krogans were far too superior fighters to get on their bad side, so if Saren succeeded, they had already lost. There was no way that they could secure the bomb not being damaged until they arrived so they had to act fast or this would all be for nothing.

 _"There's too many. I don't think we can survive until you get here,"_ Alenko said. _"I'm activating the bomb."_

"Dammit, Alenko! What are you _doing?"_

 _"I'm just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what."_ Alenko was going to sacrifice himself for this. Shepard opened his mouth, but didn't have the time to inquire. _"It's done, Commander. Go get Ash and get the hell out of here."_

 _"Sc -screw that, we can handle ourselves!"_ She had such confidence that it would be foolish not to believe her. _"Go back and get Kaidan!"_

Shepard couldn't believe he had to make a decision such as this. His brows tightened, leaning against the banister before him with a heavy head. Sacrifice one for the many. It was the toughest choice he would ever face. He tried to think strategically to see if he was able to save them both. Alenko was closest to the bomb. If he could get to him first, he might've been able to reach Williams. The situation was far too delicate for him to be certain. Few held a clear head at a time like this. One thing was clear. Alenko would die if he didn't get to him first. He had lost soldiers under his command before but this was different. The _Normandy_ was the closest thing he had to a family now. Both of his parents were either dead or too blind to care. Deep down, he knew it was one or the other.

Ashley Williams or Kaidan Alenko.

* * *

 _This is it - this is my last stand - I'm sure as hell going to make it count._

Kaidan knew how close Shepard and Williams were. It was obvious. It went all the way from their regular talks to the subtle flirting that he had been witness to more than a few times. Of course, Shepard flirted with everyone - even him - but with Williams, it seemed genuine. To his observation. He gave it all he had as he was pinned down by the geth. It was definitely not a bad way to go. He had raised to the rank of lieutenant and that wasn't something everyone were able to accomplish.

He'd gladly sacrifice himself for a greater cause.

 _"Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site."_

His eyes snapped open.

 _What?_

He couldn't believe what he just heard at the other end of the transmitter.

"Y -Yes, Commander," he tried. "I -I..."

 _"You know it's the right choice, LT!"_ Williams said.

After a moment of silence, Shepard spoke. _"I'm sorry, Ash. I had to make a choice."_

 _"Hey, there. Now you stop it. I understand, Skipper,"_ she replied, and he could the smile on her face. _"I don't regret a thing. Go kick some indoctrinated turian ass for me."_

The transmission ended.

* * *

Shepard flinched before they got into cover when they approached the bombsite.

Geth were all over the place and Alenko was wounded during the previous firefight. When it calmed down, Saren entered the zone on a hover board, chasing Shepard behind some concrete to avoid being hit. He'd expected it to break out in a firefight, but instead, Saren wanted to talk. He was convinced that the reapers would keep organics alive if they worked together and that Sovereign needed his help to find the Conduit. He was indoctrinated. That much was certain.

The firefight came after, and Shepard was briefly rendered immobile, which allowed Saren to escape.

Leaning up against the nuke, Alenko cradled a wound below his chest. When he looked up, Shepard saw the drainage in his whiskey-brown eyes, the weariness. He reached out a hand, in which he didn't hesitate to take, before Shepard pulled him back to his feet. Kaidan wobbled as he stood, so he allowed him to lean on him.

"Alenko, can you walk?" he asked, but didn't give him a chance to reply. They had far too little time until the nuke was set off. The ship tread into the zone meters above their heads. "Just in time, Joker. Ground team, move!"

He lifted Alenko up in a fireman-carry, moving his attention to the _Normandy_ as she descended before them, setting out the ramp. Shepard ordered the others on the ground team to go first before following. The ship ascended at once they were aboard. The blast radius was almost big enough to reach them, but thanks to Joker, they got out just in time with FTL-speed. This would give Rear Admiral Mikhailovich, who evaluated the _Normandy_ to be a waste of credits, something to think about.

The mission was a success.

At the steep cost of a squad-member and friend.

* * *

 **A/N:** _"Death closes all, but something ere the end. Some work of noble note, may yet be done, not unbecoming men that strove with Gods." - 'Ulysses,' Tennyson_


	5. Ch 5: Downtime

**Chapter 5: Downtime**

* * *

 _"Just... admiring the view." - John Shepard_

In which Shepard hangs up on the Council (never gets old!)

* * *

The crew had collected themselves in the comm-room for a debriefing.

It felt strangely empty not to see Ashley sit beside Kaidan after all this time. They didn't have the time to get to know each other inside-out, but in such a short period of time, it was amazing how close they had become. She was easy to get along with. You knew you could trust her with your life. In their line of work, that was an important addition.

"I... I can't believe Ash didn't make it," Kaidan said, and leant forward in his chair. His tone was close as it could be to directly hostile. "How could we just _leave her_ down there?"

"Williams knew the risks going in," he replied, the accusation having angered him. "She gave her life to save the rest of us."

"But why me? Hell... Why not _her?"_

"It wasn't your call, Alenko," he said sternly, straightening. "I couldn't save you both, because believe me, I tried. I had to choose. I chose you."

"But if I'd done my job, you wouldn't have had to make that call," Kaidan nearly snapped.

Shepard pinned him with a glare. "Ash's death wasn't _your_ fault, lieutenant," he said, locking his jaw tight. "It wasn't _my_ fault. The only one to blame here is Saren."

"Yes, sir. I'm -" he tried, sounding like he'd immediately regretted his remark. "We'll get it done."

"Commander?" Liara's voice was careful and small, and he was thankful she had intervened. "Excuse me for interrupting. But I have an idea. I think the beacon you found in Saren's base was similar to the one you found on Eden Prime. It may have filled the missing pieces of your vision. I might be able to help you put all those pieces together."

Shepard sighed. "You want to join our minds again, don't you?" he asked, pulling himself up from his chair. "Okay. Go ahead."

Again, they 'embraced eternity,' and she was startled by what she saw. Liara explained that the vision was a distress call sent out across the Prothean Empire. A warning against the Reapers that came too late. She recognized the location seen in the images as a planet called Ilos. The Conduit was there. The Mu Relay was the only way to get to Ilos, and Saren was already headed there, so it all made sense.

Ilos was inside the Terminus Systems.

 _"Commander, there's a comm buoy nearby,"_ Joker reported over the comm-link, as the others were dismissed. _"I can link us in if you want to report back to the Citadel Council. You know, to warn them about Sovereign."_

"Set the link up, Joker. They need to know."

Even if the Council weren't exactly cooperative around the matter of the Reapers, and Sovereign, that didn't mean that they should be kept in the dark. As Councilors, they should expect everything to pop up and be at least considerate about it, not dismiss what could turn out to be true.

 _"I hope you don't plan to cut us off like last time, Commander,"_ Tevos warned. _"What you discovered on Virmire is too important."_

Sparatus broke in. _"Saren is formidable enough without an army of krogan serving under him."_

"Sovereign is the real problem here," Shepard replied. "The reapers wiped out the protheans. We're next."

 _"Yes, we saw mention of this on your report,"_ Valern inquired. _"Sovereign. A sentient machine. A true artificial intelligence. The news is quite alarming... if it turns out to be accurate."_

Shepard scoffed. "Sovereign's real. The reapers are real. Saren even admitted it!"

 _"He's playing you Shepard!"_ Sparatus called. _"Saren still has contacts on the Citadel. He probably saw your earlier reports. The ones talking about your vision. And the reapers."_

Valern took the word. _"It's highly possible Saren is using false information to throw you off balance. Our own intelligence has never turned up any corroborating information."_

"Aww," Shepard muttered. "Looks like we lost the signal, Joker."

Joker snorted. _"Understood, Commander._

* * *

Before heading to the Council personally, they had to drop off the remaining soldiers in Kirrahe's team, as a few of them had survived.

"I'm sorry about Ash, Shepard," Garrus said. "I've seen her in the field. She was one hell of a soldier, and that is not something I say lightly, my friend. I know you two were close. You always choose the best company. We were fortunate to have had her with us through all this."

"Yeah... thanks. We sure were."

He gave him a nod. "Then let's make sure we don't disappoint her," he replied, and hesitated. "I... wanted to speak to Tali, but I'm not very good at talking about... stuff like that. Emotional things. You tell me to shoot a gun, I'll shoot a gun, and with style at that, but this... is not my area of expertise. She is rather shaken up. After all, they were like sisters. You're better at this than I am."

"I'll make sure to speak with her."

"I appreciate it. There is one more thing, though." Garrus paused, and softly inhaled. "I wanted to thank you for taking me with you and letting me be part of the team. I've learned a lot though all of it. My mind has focused on what you've told me. About ends not justifying the means. About finding the best way through and not just the fastest."

Garrus had plans to return to C-Sec after what Shepard had taught him while aboard the _Normandy._ He would also reapply for Spectre training. The sniper had earlier been a candidate among other turians.

"I'm glad to hear that, Garrus. Keep up the good work."

Before Ambassador Udina called on them to report to the Councilors, who were preparing a fleet to deal with Saren, Shepard made sure he spoke to Kaidan about what transpired down at Virmire. They both felt guilty over what happened. Shepard made the decision and Kaidan followed his order. It affected them far more than the other crewmembers as it made them far more involved. The crew had collected themselves in the mess hall but Kaidan was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Shepard however finally found him in the storage section of the ship.

The biotics formed an aura around Kaidan who seemed to be doing some kind of target practice. Shepard had never truly studied the biotic himself when he had been in the field. Only its effects. He was impressive in the field. Shepard folded his arms across his chest and leant to the wall beside the elevator. Approaching him might not be the best idea. Kaidan didn't seem to be thinking clearly and he didn't want to startle him. He was without doubt trying to cope with Ashley's death his own way.

Shepard met his eyes in the reflection of the Mako's gun that Garrus usually calibrated.

Whiskey-brown eyes widened, and Kaidan spiraled around in an instant. The biotics were still flaring around him but was about to falter. Seeing him clearly this time made Shepard notice how the blue energy danced around him like a centered but yet graceful and focused mix between a sun and a storm. The blue seemed to contrast his looks. His curves. His eyes. He felt drunk just by looking at him. The good kind of drunk.

"Shepard? I didn't see you there. Did you need anything?"

He noticed that Kaidan's breathing was heavier. Even. The biotics calmed around him again and the blue energy mended into nothing. It was as if he was pushing himself towards his limits in hope to shove whatever guilt was buried within him further down into the dirt.

His muscles slacked but he could tell he needed a moment to control his breathing.

"Just... admiring the view," he replied.

The hint of tease was enough for Kaidan to snort, probably trying to laugh, but awkwardly cleared his throat instead because of the lack of air. He let his hands drop to his hips. "You caught me at a disadvantage. I would've been more, ah... 'elegant...' if I knew you'd come up here."

"You'd be surprised... I like it rough."

He rolled his eyes, revealing a soft smile as he wiped the slight sweat from his brow. Shepard felt a small smile tug at his lips. Their battlefield-flirting had become a common thing these days. He pushed himself gently away from the wall and released his arms, ready to steer the conversation towards the more unpleasant matter at hand. It looked like the thought lingered in Kaidan's mind for a few seconds when Shepard approached him.

If he wasn't imagining things, which he definitely did, he could swear Kaidan was eyeing him up.

"Hmm..." he uttered, smirking. "Good to know, Shepard."

It was murmured in a way that made Shepard's chest tighten. Having a thing for a straight man wasn't new to him. Still, it didn't help that no one else had made him pine as much as Kaidan did, knowing there was no chance they'd end up together. Kaidan had mentioned a woman named Rahna in one of their talks, being someone he had a crush on back when he was fifteen, and that was proof enough. He hadn't shown or spoken of any interest in men, at least, having earlier also mentioned his opinion of Liara being 'art-appreciative.' She was mono-gendered, sure, but her species were all females.

Kaidan's smile faltered. "Sorry for anything I said back there. Adrenaline," he added, breaking him from his daydreaming. Their discussion in the comm-room wasn't a big deal so there was no need to hold a grudge.

"I understand. I don't like losing people either."

"I've served for years, but never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action, anyway," he said, shaking his head. "If you don't mind my asking, how do you deal with the losses back on Akuze?"

Akuze surprised Shepard himself. How much it affected him. How he was able to live past it. The memories still haunted him as it carried a heavy burden he was forced to bear. Deal with for the rest of his life. As he told Ashley, there was no use dwelling on the past. Their first priority would be to stop Saren and the geth but not lose their humanity in the process. It wasn't an easy feat. Saren could be light-years away, for all they know, and they still had to speak with the Council before being allowed clearance.

"It was my job to get everyone out safe," Shepard replied, rubbing his wrist with his other hand as a scowl appeared on his face. "I failed. I vowed not to let that happen again. Same here. I'll remember her, and I'll do better for her."

"I know you two were, ah... close. You and Ash."

"First Garrus. Now you too, huh? I engage in dialogue more often with Wrex. Soon people are going to think I have a thing for krogans."

"Sure, if you like the rough stuff."

"Is there something you want to tell me, lieutenant?" he joked, and Kaidan snorted. "Well, not that I blame you. Who doesn't want a krogan by their side to the end times? Of course, if you look away from the property damage. Might need a bracelet for ring. It's not that I'm saying he's gained weight, I just... you know."

"I never claimed to be big on alien culture, remember?"

"Not even 'art appreciation'?" Shepard asked, and folded his arms across his chest. Kaidan rolled his eyes. Asari were different from krogans. "There's one more thing I wanted to bring up, though. About Wrex back at Virmire. When he pulled a gun on me and I told you to stand down, you downright disobeyed my order. Hell, it almost looked like you were about to pull the trigger on him for a second."

"I'm sorry, sir. I wasn't thinking clearly. That one's on me. It was unprofessional of me and it won't happen again."

Wrex overheard that Saren had found the cure for the genophage and was unwilling to cooperate in destroying the facility at first. He was clearly upset shooting at some poor fish in the water by the shore. Both Kaidan and Ashley had immediately drawn their weapons at the krogan when his shotgun aimed straight for Shepard. Ashley obeyed with a sigh while Kaidan ignored the direct order.

"Don't be. I'm glad you did."

Kaidan blinked. "Sir?"

"By all means, Kaidan. Question my every move." he said. Kaidan. Not 'lieutenant' or 'Alenko,' but 'Kaidan,' being the very first time Shepard had used his name. "It's good to see you have a mind of your own and don't blindly follow orders without hesitation. That's a good thing. I need people to keep me in check. Help me make the demanding decisions. It's a tough call and it helps having a second opinion - a second perspective - to make sure I make the right one. I would've done the same if he had pointed that thing on any of the crew. You did good, lieutenant."

Kaidan looked stunned. "I, ah... Thank you for the advice, sir," he replied, making Shepard cock a brow at him in. "Shepard. Thank you, _Shepard."_

He gave him a nod in approval.

"As you were."

* * *

Shepard slumped into the mess hall started fiddling with the straps of his armor while internally cursing.

They had just returned from the Citadel. The Councilors were convinced that the Conduit wasn't even real, but a distraction, for Saren to take the Citadel unhindered. Kick them when they were down. Shepard refused to let it slide, and because of that, the _Normandy_ had been grounded. Minutes passed in struggle before Shepard finally tightened the latch on his locker. It didn't take long before he heard footsteps approaching and snapped towards the direction it came from.

He was pissed, but when he saw Kaidan, his expression immediately mellowed. Sighing, his forehead encountered the locker before him. He turned, letting his back fall to the concrete and made no attempt of mending the obvious impact.

Bad idea.

"Dammit!" he called, as his back now ached.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Commander, are you, ah...? Are you all right?" he asked, obviously attempting to hold back a laugh. A rhetorical question. "I'm sure there's a way to appeal. We're under Alliance authority, after all. Not the Council."

"I tried. Official channels are closed. They were quite clear about that... and wipe off that damned smirk, lieutenant."

The smirk turned into a grin. Shepard saw it from the corner of his eye as the sides of his own mouth unwillingly twitched upwards. Leave it to Kaidan to make him feel better about the whole thing. However, it shortly dissolved.

He had no say in this. Not even as a Spectre. He couldn't disobey the Council. Saren's capture was however reason enough for him to break the regulations. He knew Saren had to be stopped. One way or the other. Dead or alive, he had to be stopped, even if it meant breaking Alliance protocols along the way. As well as the Council's protocols. They had to find a way to get out there. The whole crew was with Shepard 100 percent on this one because they knew the dangers they had seen firsthand as well as the risks.

They might be thrown in jail but at least they would've saved the galaxy first.

Kaidan folded his across his chest. "Closed. And we're supposed to accept that?" he said, leaning to the steel wall. "So, where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, may as well get a good seat."

At least someone tried to hold onto hope.

"We're out of the game for now," he said, allowing his head to drop to the locker. "I need you to be there while I figure things out."

"You know you can count on me -or, ah... any of the crew, Commander."

Shepard frowned at how dense he was. "Come on, Kaidan," he said, hinting him to open his eyes. "I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder. A kick in the right direction. Literally. Biotic kick would be preferable."

"Yeah, I always leave a way out. You know that," he replied, coming out as an exhale as he averted his eyes. "I'm here for you. But we're in a rough spot, and the last I want to do is muddy things. Like it's all that clear to start with." He turned back to Shepard. "Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

Shepard had no idea why he always complicated things.

"Can't just pull out a good old-fashioned 'it'll be all right,' can you?"

He chortled. "It's that easy, huh? Okay, then. Fine. I can do that."

Kaidan cleared his throat as if he was about to hold an inspiring 'Commander Shepard' speech just to tease him. It worked, because Shepard let out a displeased, loud groan and threw his head back to the locker. A little too hard, as now his head was aching, too. One might think padding up all the rough edges of the ship would be the least of their worries. Shepard just tightened his jaw and decided to ignore the pain because he was in for something even more painful from Kaidan's mouth.

 _Oh no... here comes._

"Everything will be fine, Shepard," he continued. "You'll figure it out."

He had expected worse.

Shepard arched a brow. "Don't overdo it, Romeo," he grumbled, the sarcasm clear. "That wasn't so hard now, was it?"

"I could get used to it. I guess we have some downtime, huh?"

A small smirk threatened the surface, but didn't quite break through. He was about to rise up, surprised to see Kaidan holding out a hand to help him. It was Virmire all over again, only their roles switched. Shepard glanced at his hand, his expression slightly softening in what resembled confusion, letting his eyes trace across his all-too-perfect face until their eyes met. When they were palm-in-palm, he allowed Kaidan to pull him up onto his feet.

The lighting in the room was dim. Shepard knew he looked exhausted when he stood. Kaidan was about two feet away from him so he has to have noticed. Having him so close was unnerving. His amazing scent made him crazy. He swallowed even though his expression remained deadpan. The whole thing was torture. Kaidan's hands twitched as if he considered reaching out, but knowing him, he would find it inappropriate.

He didn't have the time to abstain before Shepard wrapped an arm around his shoulder to reduce the distance between them.

Shepard pulled him into a warm but pitiful embrace with tightened brows. He could feel him tensing up at first. Kaidan hesitated but he finally found him melting into his arms, letting his eyes tightly flutter shut when he felt Kaidan wrapping his own around his waist. He found himself vulnerable for his first time in forever.

He felt human.

"Thanks, Kaidan."

He no longer treated Shepard as if he was larger than life like everyone believed. A burden removed from the den of iniquity. He needed someone to keep his feet planted on the ground and Kaidan was willing to be that someone.

"Yeah... Anytime, Shepard," he said, and awkwardly patted his back. The gesture had Shepard roll his eyes skyward with a small smirk. One would think that he had absolutely no clue how to hug someone.

"I don't feel much appreciated at the moment. Is this a one-way affection thing? Thought you might need it."

Kaidan's eyes widened. "What?" he asked almost startled, before pulling him closer to and tightening his grip.

 _Well, that was better..._

"No!" he added. "No, of course not. It's, ah... nice. I'm just... it's been a while."

Shepard attempted to hold his amusement at bay.

"You are so cute."

He frowned deeply. "Cute? Couldn't you just shoot me? That's a lot more humane than calling me _cute."_

 _"Sorry to interrupt, Commander."_ Joker. Of course he had to make a joke out of this. They pulled away from each other and moved their attention towards the speakers. _"Got a message from Captain Anderson."_

"What did he want?"

 _"Only said to meet him at that club in the Wards - Flux."_

"Well. I, ah..." Kaidan cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. "I guess you better go then." Shepard stayed put, and he seemed confused judging by the way his left eyebrow arched. "Commander? Anderson's waiting for you."

"I'm aware," he replied, smirking. "So I really need you to let go of me, lieutenant."

Kaidan finally noticed how his hand was clutching onto Shepard's shirt for dear life. His eyes gained twice their size as he appeared to realize that he had held him during their whole conversion with Joker.

He finally let go of him. "Right."

* * *

Bringing Kaidan and Garrus along to the Citadel wards, they met up with Anderson. He explained that they could override the ambassador's orders and get them to bring the ship back on-line so that she could be in the Terminus Systems before anyone even knew they were gone. Unlocking the _Normandy_ from Udina's office would give the ship a few minutes to get out before anyone knew.

Anderson leant forward in his chair. "Shepard, I know you're pissed off right now. But hell, you can't give up. They all think this is over but we both know it's not. You have to go to Ilos. You have to stop Saren from using the Conduit!"

"You're going to get yourself killed," he replied, shaking his head. "There has to be another way."

They had no other options. Anderson made sure to let him know that. Knowing they had no other choice, the shore party returned to the _Normandy_ and informed the crew about their plan, waiting in anticipation for the shackles to unlock. Joker awaited the signal with an attentive focus, and at once the mechanism triggered, the _Normandy_ set off.

They were out and heading for Ilos.


	6. Ch 6: Resistance

**Chapter 6: Resistance**

* * *

 _"I'm impressed. Although, Chakwas will be furious. Just a heads up." - Garrus Vakarian_

In which Kaidan demonstrates his biotics.

* * *

Having retreated to the cabin after they returned from the Citadel, Kaidan decided to check up on him. He found Shepard propped into the chair in his quarters. He was leaning back, nose deep in a report as his feet were thrown up at the table before him, crossing by the ankles. He actually looked relaxed.

"Shepard, hey," he said, leaning to the doorway with crossed arms. "Is this a bad time?"

"For me? Not a chance. For you? Definitely." Shepard didn't look at him at first, but when Kaidan arched a brow, he cast him a glance and held up the pad. "You just walked into your worst nightmare, lieutenant. I've got a shitload of reports to finish up, and now that you're here, you're going to help me out."

Kaidan shook his head. "Shouldn't you have done that earlier?" he teased, approaching his CO in a calm pace. Placing himself at the bedside, Shepard handed one over. Then he saw it was it was marked 'Virmire.' "Whoa, how far back do these go? This is an old one, right?"

"Let's just say I've been... busy. I'm doing Feros right now."

"Feros? How the hell did they allow you to -?" he asked, but cut himself off. "You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know."

"You sure? It's an amazing story to tell. Gave me super powers. X-Ray vision. Love Joker's leopard g-string."

He blinked. "Wait, the what -?" he asked with a tilt of his head, experiencing confusion taken to a whole other level - only to see Shepard arching a brow - realizing he had been sarcastic. "All right... now you're just messing with me."

"I'm sure that'd be an amazing sight to see."

His eyes fluttered shut in discomfort. "Great, now... now I've got pictures in my head. Thanks."

"You're welcome. I live to serve."

Shepard was far behind his usual schedule as his stress-meter had considerably raised to the roof. That was usually happened when the galaxy was in balance and you were stealing a prototype ship to make sure that the galaxy didn't evaporate before their very eyes. He couldn't exactly blame him for it and was hoping he could help him find some way to relax. Blow off some steam.

"So what brings you to me - mess food sucks? Wrex freaking you out? Need better quarters?" he asked, pulling his feet down. "This place is pretty over-sized as it is so I'm sure I could fit you in. Bed's harder than it looks, but hey, it's pretty damned comfortable either way."

Kaidan snorted. "Well, the mess food _does_ suck, Wrex _is_ kinda freaking me out and yes... I would _love_ better quarters," he replied, allowing his voice to turn husky. "So careful, Shepard... or I'll might take you up on that offer."

Letting his arms drop to his knees, Shepard leant forward. "C'mon, Kaidan. Talk to me."

He saw right though that one.

Sighing, Kaidan said, "I just... I wanted to see how you're holding up."

The fixated look before him mellowed slightly as he narrowed his eyes. Shepard opened his mouth, only to close it again, as if not being entirely sure how to respond to that.

He blinked. "Wait, you're... worried about me?"

"I know that's not my place, but c'mon. Look at us," Kaidan said. "What if this doesn't work, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship... If they want to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping. We're one hell of an example of 'humanity's best and brightest,' huh?"

"I keep reminding myself we're doing the right thing. I don't believe me yet."

"Well if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here. It will really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don't go well, I want you to know... I've enjoyed serving under you."

Shepard wore another deadpan look.

"Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of you 'serving under me.' Don't you think it's time to e-rectify that?"

 _E... rectify? Oh, god._

Kaidan chuckled. "Ouch, I walked right into that, didn't I?" he asked, looking up with a sheepish smile. "We could get drummed out of the service for fraternization. Of course, we'll probably get the firing squad for mutiny."

"So you _are_ trying to get into my quarters," he subtly teased. "You've got a good grasp of the situation. It seems like you've thought it fully through. Probably even got the 'sexual harassment' charges ready to go if things doesn't work out between us." Kaidan's eyes rolled skyward, and watched him give the report he was writing another look.

Sighing, Shepard said, "This is going to take a while. I'll go grab a few beers so it'll become bearable. Go ahead, make yourself at home."

He couldn't complain as he got an excellent view of Shepard's ass on his way to leave the room. He found himself frowning when realizing that he was staring, having no idea why he would do that, although he nearly considered taking his offer.

Shepard asked him to stay for a while, saying he was a welcome distraction, which he gladly did.

When they finished writing the reports, their conversation was directed away from work, simply talking about everything. He could swear he had never had this much fun his entire life when Shepard shared stories he had either heard around him or experienced himself. It was amazing to hear the famous Commander Shepard's laugh for the first time, having his abdomen flutter, being a pleasant sound he could definitely get used to. One of their topics consisted of biotics, resulting in Shepard taking contact with Garrus via omni-tool, in reference to a conversation they had earlier where Garrus mentioned that biotics had no sense of aim.

 _"Biotics are basically blasting weird, blue pulses through the air without any sense of direction - no offense Kaidan - but it's the truth,"_ Garrus said. _"I'm surprised each time it even hits. Precision is the deadliest weapon. You can't calibrate biotics."_

Shepard picked up an empty bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. "Hey, Kaidan. Get ready. I saw you do this on Eden Prime. Don't mess it up, okay?"

 _"Wait, are you seriously considering to -?"_

He faked a wounded smile. "Shepard... you've got to have some faith in me."

"Here comes!"

Immediately as Kaidan began to glow blue with readied biotics, Shepard threw the bottle up into the air, and he released the charge of a _Throw_ to see the bottle fly across the room with a loud crash when it hit the door. Before the glass fragments could encounter the floor, he used _Lift,_ keeping them airborne to make things easier for them. Now they didn't have to clean it up afterwards - only had to move a trashcan below the area - and it was as if it never happened.

"Whoo!" Shepard chuckled. "Hear that, Garrus? It was the sound of Serrice Ice Brandy in a million pieces! Hell, you should've seen it!"

 _"I'm impressed. Although, Chakwas will be furious. Just a heads-up."_

Hours passed, minds centering on anything but Ilos and the battle before them.

"Remember when I approached you about your headaches?" Shepard asked him, when the topic of implants was brought up. Shepard didn't know much about them, but he appeared curious. "Didn't even realizing I was talking to a soldier of the Alliance before I said something I was bound to regret. Back on Earth, I uh... I wasn't exactly the most law-abiding citizen, to be completely honest."

"Why am I not surprised?" he teased, noticing the corners of Shepard's mouth slightly curve. "I mean, hell... you stole security footage."

"Yeah, well. Picked up a few things. I was a bit more extreme back then," he replied, although his small smile gradually faltered. "I made all the right friends in all the wrong places, to say the least. People that did everything out there to survive and didn't care for the consequences. Those people consisted of orphans, the abused... kids that didn't have the best life and the like."

Shepard looked away. "I was raised by a gang called the Tenth Street Reds."

"You mean...?"

He finally shared his life story - just as Kaidan had shared his years in BAaT - before him.

"I never met my parents. Knew I was an only child, raised on the streets, having to join up with gangs just to get by. Had almost no limits for what I was willing to do to survive. It didn't take long before I was tempted to just give up," he replied, and Kaidan swallowed. "Not by putting a bullet in my head or anything like it, but just simply stop caring, knowing that it'd be easier that way. At my lowest, I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I had my orders one day, didn't know what I was going to face. When I arrived, I realized that my target was some kid - 7 years old."

"Did you do it?"

"No."

His reply sounded honest, pure, and Kaidan didn't doubt him for a second. Shepard wasn't someone to kill innocent people for sport. He probably just handled the robbing and intimidation jobs.

"The gang leader back then, Jericho, wasn't known to take kindly upon us turning soft. I kept it under wraps, hoping no one would find out. I later ended up in a bar with a fake pass telling I was allowed to be there, drinking," he said, and one of those rare smiles of his breached the surface. "I ran into Ace, had known him for about a year by then. He was taking a part-time job as a bartender. I was almost busted, but he was there to help out. I was even offered a drink on the house out of pity because of my horrible attempt at persuading the bouncer I could 'give him a good time,' if he looked the other way. I think he was a turian."

"Wait, I've seen you talk down terrorists. How's a bouncer any different?"

"Oh, bouncers are worse. I could persuade terrorists to sleep with me any day," he replied, and pressed the tip of the bottle to his lips. Kaidan snorted. He had little doubt in his mind. "Ace was in the Alliance, relieved from duty because he suffered a temporary injury. That's the reason why he merely worked a part-time job. When he did get back in, he gave them as best as he got. Alliance soldier to the core. 'Everything must be done the right way or not at all.' That's why I compared you to him earlier."

"Plus the headaches."

"Exactly. Speaking of headaches... he was actually the one that gave me this," he said, making a hand gesture towards the scar on his hairline. "I wish it was a more exciting tale to tell on how I got it, but I was literally just drunk and caused trouble at the bar, getting the attention from some rival gangs that were about to kick my ass, so Ace saved mine - knocking me out with a bottle and then nursing me back up when his shift was over - doing the bouncer's job for him."

Kaidan closed his eyes and couldn't help but grin at the image.

"Wow, just... wow."

Shepard shrugged. "He didn't throw me out, so hey, I must've done _something_ right in the charm department. He didn't dump me, either, so I'd say he didn't mind."

Definitely more than a friend.

"Here I thought you gained it from one of the more spectacular feats you've accomplished throughout the years."

Pursing his mouth, Shepard said, "Hey, never know when the bottles might rebel." Kaidan rolled his eyes. "Just glad the Reds weren't there to intervene. Ace was a good guy, and they'd cause even more stir in the bar, not being good for business. Little did they know that he could knock them all on their ass if they tried."

He remembered that a man had approached Shepard on the Citadel a while ago and asked him to release a guy named Curt from custody. It had to make sense that those three were in the same gang once.

"So that guy back at the Citadel..." he began.

"Finch." The simple reply was followed by a snort, as if making fun of his former teammate. "Quite a character, right? He always liked to play the tough-guy. We all did, but he was a bit more extreme. Got pissed when people ordered him around. He could never shut his damned mouth if I fucked up. Believe me, I did a few times, but... yeah. Glad to be rid of him when I joined the Alliance to redeem myself."

Kaidan was flattered his CO trusted him with such sensitive information.

He was tempted to ask after their encounter with Finch, and he could tell that curiosity loomed Ashley's features as she was with them, but they respected their CO's privacy. Either Shepard genuinely trusted his lieutenant, or just didn't care anymore, him hoping the former. Kaidan would call what Shepard had done more than just 'redeemed himself.' He was a changed man willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good, one who helped whenever he could, taking his time to assist civilians during his downtime.

It was strange to think that Shepard once was a criminal, but back then, he was very young. He didn't know any better ways to make a living. At the age of 29, he now knew that protecting people was what he wanted to do, not interrogating or robbing them. That was what separated Commander Shepard from the common thugs, because he, for one, was determined to correct all wrongs.

With that in mind, a question surfaced.

"Have you, ah... Have you told anyone else about this?"

Shepard blinked. "No..." he said, seeming somewhat taken aback himself. "No, I haven't."

He had a sneaking suspicion that he held something back.

* * *

Kaidan hadn't realized that he'd managed to fall asleep on the bed in Shepard's cabin when he woke up the next day. He felt stiff all over but was lucky he hadn't awoken with a hangover. He pulled himself up, taking after his eyes with his right index finger and thumb, blinking the sleep away. He saw Shepard approaching him.

"Didn't realize I drifted off, there..." Kaidan muttered. "Hell, you didn't sleep in the chair, right? You should've woken me up."

"Didn't have the heart," Shepard replied, handing him a glass of water that he gladly accepted "...and don't worry about it, lieutenant. I grew up in the streets. I've had worse."

"My god... sorry."

Shepard just shook his head with a small smile before placing himself back in the chair to look over the reports.

"Thanks for helping me out with these. If I did it alone, it'd take another day," he said, and Kaidan gave him a nod. "The company was a welcome change, as well. Haven't had the time to relax up until last night. What do you think our odds are to put an end to all this?"

Sighing, Kaidan muttered, "I don't know, Shepard. Saren's been a pain in the ass through all this, but he's exhausted his options... and we've dealt with the geth before. After sabotaging the krogan project, things are looking pretty positive from where I stand. I don't know what we're going to find at Ilos, but I'm sure as long as you're in charge of this, we're going to win."

"I appreciate the trust."

Blue hue met his brown and the glance was held. He saw a small smile tug at his lips and couldn't resist smiling back. Gradually, Shepard's smile dissolved before he averted his gaze, clearing his throat. He never seemed to hold the eye contact for any longer than two seconds. Judging by the fact that it might be considered eye-fucking to go for it any longer, it might be for the best to... he shrugged it off.

"Look, Kaidan..." he added.

 _"Bridge to Commander Shepard,"_ Joker punctured Shepard mid-sentence, earning their attention. _"We're five minutes out from the Mu Relay."_

"Good to hear, Joker," Shepard replied, letting the report drop to the table as he pulled himself up from his seat.

"Commander. You were, ah... you were going to say something?"

Shepard shook his head. "It's nothing. Never mind," he replied, giving him a lackluster smile. It faltered again when he looked away. "I was just thinking about Ash."

"Hell. This is her fight too, you know."

"I'm still trying to get used to the fact that she's not going to join us. I didn't know her for long but I sure as hell wanted to," he replied, and Kaidan nodded in agreement. "Being able to bring Saren down after what he did to her squad... I think she would've been proud."

"Yeah... definitely. So let's return the favor."

He was given a nod. "Gear up, lieutenant. I want you on ground team."

"Aye, aye sir."

The bed _was_ damned comfortable, though.

* * *

Shepard stood with his arms folded across his chest behind Joker's chair. He, Kaidan, Liara and Tali were in the cockpit.

Joker glanced out the cockpit window. "Uh, commander? We've got company," he said, but the geth's sensors had fortunately not picked them up yet. "Stealth systems are engaged. Unless we get close enough for a visual, they won't have any idea we're here."

They had to use the Mako to drop onto Ilos, but the nearest landing zone was too far away, so they had to take a risk.

"It's our only option!" Liara said.

"Keelah..." Tali muttered, nervously tiptoeing on the edge of her feet while fidgeting with the straw in her half empty cup with turian brandy to calm her nerves. The discussion went over their heads. She wasn't able to stand still.

Kaidan was completely against the idea. "It's not an option! It's a suicide run! We don't -"

"I can do it," Joker said.

Shepard turned to him. "Joker?"

"I can do it."

He had full faith in the Alliance's best pilot.

"Gear up and head down to the Mako," he ordered, clutching the backrest of his seat. "Joker - drop us right on top of that bastard!"

It didn't take long before the squad team - Shepard, Kaidan and Garrus - successfully dropped off in the Mako. They were right on his heel, but when Saren shut a metal gate after him, Shepard pulled a drastic turn not to crash into the damn door that was now blocking the entrance. He cursed internally and cast his glance aside to see if there were any different alternatives. His body went rigid when he looked aside and at his turian companion, wide-eyed, clutching onto the dashboard.

Shepard scowled. "Oh, c'mon... I'm not _that_ bad of a driver," he said, but Garrus just cleared his throat. "Kaidan?" He propped his arm to the backrest and looked over his shoulder for backup to see Kaidan blink, his knuckles probably white underneath his gauntlets as he was grasping the roof handle, before he somewhat hesitantly met his gaze.

"You guys are such damn lightweights," he grumbled in addition, pushing up the door.

There was no way of getting through the door with brute force but they managed to override the lock. After minutes after fighting the geth surrounding the complex, they found another terminal, activating it to see a damaged hologram come to view. Neither Kaidan nor Garrus could understand it, but thanks to the Cipher he had received at Feros, it had given him the ability to understand the prothean language. It was as if Shepard had foreseen the 'indoctrinated by the beacon and start writing reports in prothean' theory.

It was another warning against the reaper invasion, having said something about the Conduit, but it was too degraded to help.

 _"You are not prothean,"_ another hologram said. _"But you are not machine, either. This eventually was one of many that was anticipated. This is why we sent our warning through the beacons. I do not sense the taint of indoctrination upon any of you. Unlike the other that passed recently. Perhaps there is still hope. My name is Vigil."_

Vigil has been monitoring their communications since they arrived at the facility and translated its output into a format that they could comprehend. Neither of the expected what it had to say. The Citadel was apparently a mass relay that linked to dark space, and because of this, Saren's plan was to open it so that the reapers could pour through. The Conduit wasn't a weapon. It was a back door onto the Citadel.

The hologram had a data file in the console with a virus they could upload to the station and give them temporary control, so when they parted and headed for the Mako, they knew what they had to do. Minutes passed and they could see a huge contraption with energy pulsing in its center.

Shepard steadied his grip around the Mako's controls. "All right, squad - hold tight - let's do this!"

* * *

He lined the Mako up directly above the relay and pressed the accelerator as hard as he could. The Conduit lead them straight to the Citadel, but when they arrived, the whole vehicle was tipped over which resulted in a crash landing.

Garrus pulled himself up. "Damn... Wouldn't exactly call that 'landing with style'."

Not having been badly hurt, they pulled themselves out of the wreck, the Avina AI giving them a rundown of the station. The Council had thankfully been evacuated to the _Destiny Ascension,_ so it was just them, the geth and Saren who had begun to seal the station. The reaper was completely ignoring Alliance ships that were trying to gun it down with no luck, and having found its place in the middle of the Citadel like paper crumpling around a rock, the Citadel wings closed around them.

They found Saren standing by the console, about to open dark space, but managed to interfere. Saren had spotted them. He dropped from the platform, looking as if he had escaped, but they knew better.

He turned visible while standing on his hover board, launching a grenade their way, having them throw themselves aside and into cover.

"I was afraid you wouldn't make it in time, Shepard," Saren said. "The final confrontation. I think we both expected it would end like this. You've lost. You know what, don't you? In a few minutes, Sovereign will have full control of all the Citadel's systems. The relay will open."

"I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve."

Saren was indoctrinated, they knew that much, but now it was completely clear that his mind wasn't his own. Sovereign was controlling him by implants. Shepard knew that the former Spectre wanted what was best for them all, but he used the entirely wrong methods, not seeing that there was another way. If they injected that virus, the invasion would never happen in the first place, but Saren refused to see that.

"Some part of you must still realize this is wrong," Shepard said. "You can fight this!"

Hesitating, Saren muttered, "I... Maybe you're right. Maybe there is still a chance for... unh!" he cut himself off, his body jerking back as if Sovereign had used the implants to send some kind of shock into him. Saren took after his head, nearly wobbling off the hover board. "The implants... Sovereign is too strong. I'm sorry. It's too late for me."

He thanked Shepard for speaking some sense into him and put a gun to his head.

If Vigil's data file worked and they had control of all systems. Lowering the arms, they opened a communications channel, getting an idea of what was happening out there in their fight against Sovereign.

 _"...the Destiny Ascension. Main drives offline. Kinetic barriers down 40%. The Council is on board. I repeat, the Council is on board."_

Shepard was faced with another difficult choice. Save the Council or save the human fleets. They couldn't afford to be reckless, and if the Council fell, everything would fall apart as they were the peacekeepers of the galaxy. Although hesitant, Garrus had enough respect for his commander to accept his decision. The Citadel arms were open, and Sovereign was exposed, rallying Admiral Hackett's orders to focus on the reaper. Hundreds of ships fired upon it with a determination to bring it down once and for all.

Although it seemed like Sovereign was their only concern at the time, Shepard wasn't as convinced, ordering Kaidan and Garrus to make sure that Saren was dead as his suspected lifeless body was lying there.

Garrus didn't hesitate for a second before he pulled out his firearm and shot Saren in the head once again.

In but a moment, the ground shook beneath his Alliance boots, nearly having him fall over. Some kind of red pulse transmitted from Sovereign, directed at the indoctrinated turian, having his body twitch in place. To their surprise, the red pulse delivered a blast that launched both Kaidan and Garrus into the air, while Shepard who was standing on the lower level was thrown to their level.

At once they were back on their feet, Saren rose up, his structure changing into something far from turian - more robotic than ever - like he had mutated. While every Alliance ship was completely focused on gunning Sovereign down, who most definitely was taking a beating, the ground team had to take down the former Spectre. Worst of all, the damn thing was quick, and moving on the walls. They were in for a hectic fight, but finally, they managed to bring Saren down.

Meanwhile, Sovereign was weakening, its shields now gone.

 _"Hit it with everything we've got!"_ Hackett barked.

With all the firepower they had at hand, they fired, engaging full fire at it. The reaper didn't have much time left. Shrieking, Sovereign's insect-like legs lost its grip around the pole, its robotic legs finally giving after as it fell towards the ground. Joker had the honor of delivering the finishing blow, and with a big explosion, hundreds of parts from the ship were thrown in every direction. Shepard froze when one of the remains headed straight for him, like shooting stars, the others on the ground team being at least twenty feet away and far less exposed than he was.

"GO!" he called to them.

"SHEPARD!"

It all turned black.


	7. Ch 7: Hero Of The Citadel

**Chapter 7: Hero Of The Citadel**

* * *

 _"Aw, I'm flattered, Shepard. But you're going to have to do a lot better than that to make me blush." - Kaidan Alenko_

In which Shepard gets piss drunk.

* * *

Groaning, Kaidan took after his throbbing head.

The Citadel lay in ruins. Everything was destroyed. Burning. He smelled the thick odor of smoke in the air. Fragments of Sovereign and frigates alike were scattered all around them. It looked like a crash site. Sovereign was the greatest threat that they had ever faced, and that was only one reaper, worrying him knowing that there would be more one day. They had only delayed the inevitable and were in for a bigger fight. When that fight would occur, none of them knew, but at least now they knew what they were capable of.

Citadel Security was probably scanning the area right about now, as they were nearly buried underneath the rubble, but at least neither of them were badly wounded. When he tried to rise, a sharp pain went up his leg, and he winced.

Garrus was there with him.

Shortly after, omni-tools lit up. A welcoming and clear light traversed through the rubble, making him squint, having a bigger reach than he expected. Concrete was moved out of the way, and when he tilted his head up, a C-Sec officer stood before him.

"Captain Anderson!" the man called enthusiastic, looking over his shoulder. "We've found them! They're in here."

He and Garrus were both alive and in good standing, but hunched over - having managed to duck when the reaper's remains descended - lucky to end up below a rather curved piece of the ship that prevented them from being crushed by the concrete. Kaidan's gaze fell to the floor, but when he looked up again, he was pleased to see Anderson moving towards them with quickened steps.

Anderson smiled. "Take it easy... it's over," he said, and put a hand at his shoulder. "You're safe now, boys."

Although the gesture had been in an unconscious attempt to comfort him, and Kaidan greatly appreciated the effort, it didn't help. Not in the slightest. He could swear he had the taste of blood in his mouth, but hell, that wasn't because of his wounds.

"Where's the commander?" came Anderson's voice again, as he scouted the area. "Where's Shepard?"

Swallowing hard, he attempted to get rid of the lump in his throat. Kaidan didn't smile back nor meet his eyes. He managed to look up from his fixated glare on the ground. With a loss of words, he overlooked his shoulder, surveying the rubble behind him. Anderson looked confused at first, but when he straightened, the lines in his face retracted.

Kaidan halfway expected Shepard to walk up to them.

Anderson simply just stared at the concrete, left without as much as a sign of him being alive. A C-Sec officer helped Garrus onto his feet, his head bowed and heavy before he directed one final glare Shepard's way. He watched his jaw tighten, his mandibles flare slightly, before Garrus allowed them to guide him away. He knew the risks, but hell, he'd never expected this outcome.

No matter how he looked at it, no matter how much he tried to understand, nothing made any sense.

It was Commander Shepard, for god's sake. One of the two survivors of Akuze, he was indestructible, or so they all believed. Anderson offered him his help and was allowed to pull him up. He didn't want to linger any further in that place. Kaidan felt a hand on his back, trailing the path Garrus had taken, but a puzzled expression shrouded his face when Anderson's gaze had frozen. Confused, Kaidan looked up as he could've sworn he had heard something. Maybe it was just hope speaking, but then... they all heard it.

Metal was pushed to aside, hitting the very ground with a familiar clatter, revealing a silhouette casting shadows from the Citadel window.

When he turned back, he squinted, but the man standing before them about ten feet away didn't vanish. It was no mirage. The figure clutched a wound on his side as he climbed the reaper's remains and raised his chin.

Kaidan felt like he had won the entire galaxy when Shepard stepped forward with firm steps and a smirk at the corner of his mouth.

When they returned, humanity was offered a place on the Council, having proven themselves. Shepard wanted that representative to be Anderson, and he accepted, although Udina subtly disagreed with his decision. It came to light that Anderson had swung a punch his way so he could access the locks _Normandy_ was connected to, and because of that, he was a little salty.

He was just upset he couldn't be there to witness it.

* * *

Shepard couldn't help but argue when Anderson insisted they'd take some shore leave, but when he thought of his crew, he figured that they all needed a break after what they had been through. The crew were to meet up in Flux and drinks were on the Alliance. The music was just as loud as always, and the environments, just as energetic. It was life there, a rare aura, now when the crew weren't the only ones celebrating. He'd arrived earlier because he had to discuss the recent reports with the higher-ups, but they'd be there anytime soon. He palmed his hands on the bar disk and snatched the drink that he'd just ordered.

"I see you found the bar, Shepard," he heard a familiar voice, and a small smile breached the surface behind the glass. He slanted his head to see Kaidan, leaning his back to the counter with crossed arms. "You clean up well."

Shepard let his eyes wander across Kaidan's body with an approving gaze.

It was unusual seeing him out of his civvies, although it was a welcome change, clearly suiting the getup. Kaidan wore jeans and a dark blue shirt, arms pulled up to the grope between his lower and upper arm. When his eyes fell to his collarbone, he saw the chain of his dog tags, the ID signs halfway below his shirt. Some of the buttons on his shirt were unbuttoned from the top, which was pretty damned sexy, to say the least.

"Then we're two, lieutenant," he replied, surveying the local. "Seen any signs of Garrus and Tali?"

"Garrus wanted to test out just how good of a pilot Joker was when flying frigates. Like, you know, challenged him to a race," he replied, and just out of that, Shepard could tell it didn't end well. "He managed to crash the skycar in the Presidium, but luckily, no one got badly hurt. Garrus had to get to the med clinic, so Tali offered to go with him. They should be back soon." Kaidan's gaze fleeted. "It was kind of funny, really."

"Damn, wish I was there to see it," he muttered, having formed rather amusing picture in his head. "Hell, skycar stunts? Sounds like my kind of thing. We have to do it sometime." In addition, he teased, "Call it a date."

Shrugging his shoulders, Kaidan said, "Sure, they've probably got a few more for rent. You know, the reason why he crashed was because he tried to impress Tali." The corners of his mouth curved in a smug smile. "Obviously, it didn't work very well, but at least he obtained her compassion after making an ass of himself. She had one hell of a laugh when he was confirmed unharmed. Keep that in mind."

"Hey, the only one I want to impress... will be sitting in the other car."

"Aw, I'm flattered, Shepard. But you're going to have to do a lot better than that to make me blush."

"I take that as a challenge. I'm in, something to do in the upcoming days, but..." He saw Kaidan cocking a brow at 'but,' so he looked away, not daring to meet his eye. "I kind of... never learned how to drive skycars. Had a motorcycle back on Earth - only thing I know how to drive."

"Yeah, that... that explains the Mako."

"Hey, that thing is impossible to control," he argued, but simply earned an amused smile from the man before him. "I swear, that damn thing is rigged somehow. It's way too light on the gas. Have your foot just slip for a moment and you're dead."

Motorcycles were the easiest way to get around as he drifted from place to place.

He remembered owning a black _Moto Guzzi Stelvio 2015_ with a few red spots. Shepard definitely had an interest in vehicles, being flying or shore based, although he wasn't a big fan of the Makos. Each time he had to control one of the damn things, the frustration boiled inside of him, and that was something he was forced to deal with quite a lot. They had to clear a few geth outposts in the traverse, and hell, there was no other way to touch down.

"C'mon, it can't be that difficult,"Shepard said. "Teach me. 'Kaidan Alenko, flight instructor'."

"I'd rather stay alive for the upcoming missions, so yeah, I'll teach you how to drive," he teased in reply. "Hell, I think you just want to see me in a g-suit."

 _Dead-on, Alenko._

"I certainly wouldn't mind," he replied, taking another sip.

Chortling, Kaidan said, "Okay, yeah. Not subtle at all, Commander." He averted his eyes, and Shepard could've sworn he saw a faint blush in his cheeks. His own lips tugged upwards at the corners. "Still doesn't change the fact I won't be the only one wearing it."

"Hell, I'm a Spectre. Alliance regs don't apply to me."

"Oh, wow. That... that's unfair."

"I'll throw in a good word for you if we get caught," Shepard said, winking.

It didn't take long before four men in the bar pulled up from their seats at the mention of 'Spectre.' The two Alliance soldiers subtly paid attention to the movement behind them. The common thugs. They were always causing havoc around every port. It could only mean that this situation was better off solved with punches than words. Thugs knew no other language but 'punch,' 'kick' and 'duck.'

"What do we have here? The legendary Commander Shepard himself," one of them said.

"Look, pal... I don't have time for this, all right? Just let me finish my drink."

He watched as the man cracked his fists. "The galaxy can wait," he said, and Shepard cocked a brow. "Think we can't win this fight without you, huh? If you're so damned special, you better prove it, 'cause I ain't convinced. You're just a typical soldier."

Shepard returned a smile just to piss him off. "Yeah, I am. Thanks for noticing, tough-guy."

He didn't attempt to protest whatsoever. He never placed himself above anyone else and he knew that he could never manage to do all this by himself. The _Normandy_ and Anderson had bigger roles in Sovereign's fall that him alone, little thanks to the Council, that is. Anderson seemed to handle things exceptionally well as Councilor, but had expressed his dismay of having to deal with all the politics, which Shepard definitely could relate to. Anderson did an excellent job and Shepard was happy for him.

He owed everything to his former captain.

The captain, now Councilor, was the closest thing he ever had to a father. When his parents bailed out, or died for that matter, he was the one that took him in. Shepard still felt like he was in debt to him. He always would.

"You cocky son-of-a bitch..." the man murmured.

"Easy there," Kaidan broke in, his voice as calm as always. "That isn't the way to talk to a guy that could throw you behind bars."

The man's eyes fell to the dog tags. "Well, well... Two Alliance dogs? Well, then - two less to worry 'bout..." he said, making the other men laugh. Casting his gaze aside, he and Kaidan shared an unimpressed look, their lips twitching at the corners. Kaidan pushed himself gently away from the counter, and just as Shepard, he accepted the challenge.

"Mind if I join in, Shepard?" he asked.

"Be my guest, Alenko."

Tali, Garrus, Wrex, Liara and Joker stepped through the doorway. Their eyes wandered to the six thugs that were lying unconscious on the ground. Two more men had tried to engage the brawl while they were going at it.

"Oh, Keelah..." the quarian muttered. "They never learn."

Garrus sighed. "Damn, seems like we missed all the fun. You didn't think of leaving anyone for us? I'm wounded."

"Don't worry, Garrus," Shepard said, "there'll always be next time."

"So... in case you haven't ingested the whole bar as well, I suggest we get things started giving the locals something to remember," he replied. "The party is not over until everyone has passed out. The loser is the first to go. Let's take it from there. Deal?"

Shepard crossed his arms. "Deal. You're going down, Vakarian."

When Garrus was readying the drinks, Joker placed himself beside them to see the show. Kaidan headed out of Flux to see if he could find Tali who had apparently started looking for an 'emergency induction port,' whatever the hell that was, having been gone for several minutes by now. They were all convinced that she had become lost. Because of her bad immunity system, she couldn't take her suit off, so the only way she could drink alcohol was through a straw. One would think it impossible to become even more adorable than the hypochondriac that she already was.

They were wrong, as drunk Tali was a sight to both see and experience.

Joker was reluctant at first to leave the ship, but seemed to have a good time when they actually arrived. It was great to see him cut loose for once. Wrex had started arguing with the security around the food they served after he had spoken with the bartender while Liara was busy trying to study the culture around nightclubs to get a better understanding of what she saw before her.

"All right, Commander," Joker said. "Don't make an ass out of yourself. You have to make an example of _humanity_ in its entirety as _species._ I'm counting on you, and so is humanity, so don't mess it up."

"This is it, very strong stuff." Garrus pushed a glass across the table that ended up perfectly in the palm of Shepard's hand. "You might be one hell of a soldier on the battlefield, but this... this is something else entirely. Time to test your will."

Garrus' mandibles twisted into a grin. "Just try not to die."

"Oh, it's on... Let's go."

He moved the glass up to his mouth, tilting it back, quickly ingesting the liquid followed by shaking his head at the burn. It was strong, hell, it even tasted strong. He couldn't quite place what was in it. Garrus' ego had already raised through the roof so he was determined not to add to it even more. When Joker passed them, he gave Garrus a hand gesture followed by straightening his hat, having Shepard narrow his eyes suspiciously. He proceeded to flag it off. Either it was intentional or the drink had him forget.

"So... Shepard..." Garrus said, after taking his own drink. "How are you feeling?"

Rolling his eyes, Shepard took another shot. He didn't get drunk easily and could resist the most as he was able to out-drink a krogan. His days back on Earth before joining the Alliance existed of beer and traveling.

"Hell, that's all you've got? I'm disappointed," he said, smirking. "Give me the next round."

* * *

Re-arriving at Flux, Kaidan overheard a conversation between a man and a batarian standing by the counter.

"That's bullshit!" the man slurred, moving a shot glass away from his mouth. "The _Avenger_ overheats like a son-of-a bitch with poor accuracy. Even fully upgraded, the accuracy is shit. You're a disgrace to consider it to be a good rifle. You'll want a _HM..._ fuck what was it called again? _HMW... HMWA Master._ That's it. Great gun. The security's too busy to give a shit and keep people in check to even bother if it's stolen or not."

 _Yeah,_ Kaidan thought. _That... that's definitely Shepard._

Shepard frowned. "You batarians... are as fucking dumb as you look."

"You've got some nerve!"

"Oh yeah?" Shepard said, casually drawing his pistol. "Well, I got somethin' for y -"

Kaidan was thankfully able to intervene by grabbing Shepard's arm that held the gun and turn him around, met by a confused expression on his face, as Shepard wobbled and almost lost his balance.

"That -that's enough drinks for today, Shepard."

The batarian made sure to get out of sight before he had the time to pull the trigger.

It was a wonder that Shepard was still standing judging by how intoxicated he was. It was amusing to see him this way. He'd probably wake up the next day without remembering anything. That could prove to be both a good and bad thing. Most likely bad. Luckily, he had friends there to keep him in check and make sure he didn't get hurt, and that was peace of mind enough.

Chatting with Liara, Tali had finally found her straw.

"Whad'ya mean?" Shepard asked, frowning. "I'm just... just getting started. Not even affected. Shit." He shook his head. "Fully functional human... thing... being. I know my limits, Garrus. This one's mine."

"Uh-huh..." Kaidan huffed, smirking. "Shepard, I'm over here."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he waved it off violently, and Kaidan grabbed him by the waist before he fell. He drew him in and an arm wrapped around his neck to steady himself. "Don't you have some... some calibrations to do? Damn, your voice is soothing. Could listen to it all day."

"Mine or Garrus'?"

Shepard frowned again. Tried to, anyway. Kaidan couldn't tell what his expression was supposed to mean. He resembled a varren for a brief second. A drunk one. There was something adorable about that.

"What the hell are you talking 'bout -?" he asked, but cut himself off. "Oh. You're... you're Kaidan. I see. Thank god. Good. I'd be worried if... if you were someone else. You got a spectacular ass, lieutenant. Garrus... Garrus, not so much. 'Cause it's turian. Not that I... not that I couldn't date a turian. They're good. Good people. There's more to a relationship... than a great ass."

Kaidan chortled. "I'm... I'm glad to hear that you think that, Shepard," he muttered, feeling his cheeks go warm. "C'mon. Let's, ah... let's get you back to the ship." Groaning, Shepard buried his face in the grope between the side of his neck and shoulder. He felt himself being pulled towards him, catching him off-guard, not knowing what to do.

"But I got like... three whiskeys to finish... Hell, the clock ain't even twelve. Dammit, K. Just... just one more."

 _K. Hell, if anyone but Shepard called me that... not wise._

He flipped up the omni-tool display over his shoulder. When he glanced at the time in the corner, his compassionately soft smile formed into a grin. It was 0148. Shepard was completely out of it. Best to leave it at that.

"Not today, Shepard. Not today."

"Good luck, lieutenant!" Joker called after them. "Make sure he doesn't trip on the way out!"

It surely was a possibility.


	8. Ch 8: Mistake

**Chapter 8: Mistake**

* * *

 _"You've… obviously never been in an Alliance jail." - John Shepard_

In which Shepard kisses Kaidan... while drunk AF... and Kaidan is conflicted.

* * *

He managed to haul Shepard with him at last, but thankfully, he could walk by himself. If there was one person that needed to have some fun for once, it was Shepard, and he wasn't going to take that away from him. After everything he had accomplished, stopping one of the greatest threats that the galaxy had faced, he sure deserved a break. When they arrived at the Wards, in hope that they could get to the _Normandy_ without any complications, they were proved wrong.

"There he is!" they heard a man call, as three others collected themselves around him. "He has Zorya!"

Kaidan frowned. "Wait, wh -?"

"Go!" Shepard called. Before he could process what was happening, he was pushed ahead and started running, his CO quick on his heel.

"Who the hell is Zorya?" he asked exasperated.

"Dammit, hell if I know!"

They were about to take a right turn after reaching the end of the hallway, but five of them appeared around the corner, and Kaidan felt a strong hand grip his bicep. For a moment, his breath got stuck in his throat, but then he was turned around to see Shepard having changed their direction towards an elevator to their side. Kaidan's hand was grasped, and he was pulled along, letting Shepard choose their route.

Bullets went flying in their direction and they barely managed to take cover before they were seriously wounded.

Shepard groaned. "Dammit! We'll head for the roof. I stole a skycar."

"Wait, you did... you did _what?_ Hell, I leave you alone for thirty minutes -!"

"Nag, nag, nag!" He quickly punched the button up.

The elevator jerked loose when his hand encountered the panel, so the two managed to lose their balance, causing an intoxicated Shepard to crash into him. Kaidan grabbed him to secure he didn't fall. The doors shut and the elevator started moving. They were safe for now. Not too long after, the vehicle reached the roof. Moving out, he was well-aware that they didn't have much time before the elevator would descend and bring the other guys up after them.

They were definitely not playing around.

Civilians didn't carry firearms with them at every port, so hell, they must've smuggled them in. If one thing was certain, it was that they were really choked up about Shepard stealing someone - or something - named Zorya. Zorya was a planet in the Faia system so it had to be a reason why it caught some interest.

Nevertheless, they came face-to-face with a hijacked getaway.

"That the car? Yeah, that's... that's great," Kaidan said, with clear sarcasm. "Hell, only soldiers and Spectres are allowed to carry firearms at the Citadel." Scouting the area for an escape route, he couldn't see one. "Hey, Shepard. Shouldn't we call the authorities or something?"

"That would be a great idea, but we don't exactly have the, ah... permit to be here."

Kaidan sighed. "You've got to be kidding..."

"I happen to have pissed off some security officers," he replied, heading for the skycar. "They didn't give a damn that I was a Spectre. So unless you want to end up in an Alliance jail... Hng." He pushed some debris away from the vehicle. "I suggest we take care of these guys ourselves."

"Wh -what's worse?"

"You've... obviously never been in an Alliance jail." It sounded like he had experience. His CO walked up to a barrel that had an assault rifle leaning quaintly up against it, casually grabbed the firearm as if it was just a normal Thursday, and that he was used to all this. "Heads up!" Shepard called, throwing it over.

Kaidan caught, watching him crouch down next to the skycar.

Those guys that were chasing them were trying to break through the door, so he readied the rifle, ready to shoot if they managed to break in. He checked if there was bullets in the magazine and was thankful to find it nearly full. He eventually realized that Shepard was aware of the gun's presence.

"Wait, hold on, did you... did you leave this here?" He received no reply but the sound of a wooden block being pushed under the car. "Seriously, Shepard. Talk to me..."

"Well, this doesn't look too difficult," he said, lying down on his back below the vehicle. He was about to ask where the hell he learned how to fix cars, but the exact moment he opened his mouth, the thugs broke through the door. His eyes snapped open, starting to shoot. "Hey, I know how to do this!"

"Shepard!"

"Got it!" He pushed himself away from under the vehicle, kicked the wooden block away and once again grasped Kaidan's arm, pulling him along before propping to the driver's seat. "Let's get the hell outta here!"

"You told me you couldn't drive!"

"I can't!" he replied, and ducked when bullets flew their way while Kaidan jerked aside. "What, do you want me to go around and get shot instead, lieutenant? Just get in!"

"Dammit, at least scoot over!"

"Fine, take it!" he called back, moving aside. Kaidan grabbed the controls and didn't waste one moment to get the skycar moving. However, the quick motion caused Shepard to tumble backwards as he had been unable to sit down. "Whoa-oh!"

Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Shepard sprawled in the backseat. He was unable to hold back the amused smile as he got up on his feet again, a startled expression on his face, hands balled around each front seat lean. After minutes of being chased, those guys were finally out of sight, having him release a relieved breath. He slowed the car down. There was no need to rush anymore.

Kaidan peeked up at the rear-view mirror to see blue eyes closing, releasing his grip on the leather seats before slumping back into the backseat, resting an arm over his eyes. Shepard made no attempt at mending the impact he encountered, but it was soft back there, so it didn't matter.

"So, Shep... This is how all your first dates end - drunk in the backseat of a stolen skycar?"

He smirked. "Only with you, lieutenant... Only with you."

* * *

It was quiet on the _Normandy._ The others were about to round up the night as well, but after receiving a call, Kaidan found out that they decided to stay for a few more minutes. Tomorrow they would be back to work. They had a lot to do even now when the reaper was taken care of, had to prepare for the next push and expect the worst, as the reapers would roll through one day.

With Shepard's arm thrown around his shoulder, he helped him to the bed so he could rest out. He slumped down, and Kaidan readied a glass of water as it was his time to take care of Shepard, helping him with the hangover.

"Hey, K... you're staying, right?" he asked, and Kaidan turned. "With the Alliance."

For a moment there he thought he meant _for the night._

They would all say their goodbyes one day. Garrus would return to C-Sec and Tali would return to the Flotilla to end her Pilgrimage. The other crewmembers didn't know what to do now when Sovereign was defeated other than prepare. Some of them would stay at the _Normandy._ Him staying was at least a fact. Shepard would stay, too, and he was glad they got to continue working together. It would feel somewhat empty without the others, as they had become one big family, but he'd live.

"Yeah, sure. My place is with the Alliance. Always will be," he replied.

He watched as another of those rare smiles appeared on Shepard's full lips, and not before then, he noticed that he'd been looking at his mouth a lot. Nevertheless, the smile was gone as quickly as it had appeared.

Shepard averted his eyes. "Ever told you about how I came to involve myself so much in the Alliance?"

"You've mentioned it. Redeeming yourself, right? I, ah... I assumed that was the same reason why you stayed."

Walking up to him, he propped down beside him and squared an ankle over his knee, turning to face him.

"There's more to it. Thanks," he slurred, and took a sip of the water that he just gave him. "As I said earlier, after calling it quits with the Reds, I sought out the Alliance to redeem myself. The only thing I knew back then was how to hold a gun. That, and talking myself out of situations so that I didn't end up in trouble on my own terms. I later realized that I could use this to a better cause than intimidation for a meager reward. I was taught that there was only one way to survive - keep yourself alive and don't give a damn about other people. I learned that mercy is a weakness to be exploited, never to get attached and that everyone are in it for themselves.

"I was proved different when I enlisted. It gave me the opportunity to meet people that had the same reasons for what they did in the past. Survival. Some did some pretty fucked up stuff. Difference is, they realized it was wrong, and decided to change their ways."

Kaidan couldn't imagine how difficult it was for him.

He had to face a few problems in BAaT, but compared to this, that was nothing. He had killed his instructor, sure, but he was protecting a friend he was in love with. Rahna. It was the closest thing he came to 'criminal.' After the incident, she became scared of him, which affected him in far more ways than he would like to admit. It was the first and only time that he had lost control. He was the man he was today because of it.

His father once told him that even the right choices have consequences.

Shepard had stolen and vandalized, but he did it because he knew of nothing else, and that made him all right in his book. Judging by the fact that his parents weren't there, it only increased the chance of turning to crime, which is exactly what happened to him. He was an excellent example that bad things happen to good people all the time.

He admired him for wanting a moral life.

"I needed to meet people. Hear their stories," he added, clenching his jaw. "People who grieved over losing their families, their children... I didn't understand any of that. Hell, I never knew my parents. How could I? They either died or bailed out on me. I had no compassion for them. I also knew that the people I called my 'friends' would sic me - and each other - at a bear without hesitation if they had as much as a slight chance to escape... But then I got to know people in the Alliance. People that would die for each other without as much as flinch." Shepard's voice softened. "Being the same answer as I gave Ash... I wanted to be a part of something again. Something better than a petty gang who cared for nothing but themselves, and that... that's why I stayed."

"I'm glad," he said, smiling softly. "We're fortunate to have you, Shepard."

He turned back to him.

"John."

Kaidan blinked. "Uh... sir?"

"My name?" he clarified, as if it was obvious. "It's John." Feeling the flush in his cheeks, his eyes went wide, surprised by how dense he was. Shepard arched a brow. "You didn't know, did you, Alenko?"

"I... No. I, ah... I didn't."

A slow smile spread on Shepard's lips, and with a chuckle, he averted his eyes. That sound did strange things to him and he hadn't considered why. Everyone on the _Normandy_ \- hell, even the whole Alliance - referred to him as just 'Shepard.' It was as if part of him believed that it was his first name, but hell, that would've been strange.

John Shepard. John. Such a normal name for an extraordinary man.

"John..." he muttered. It felt right on his lips. "Yeah, I could... I could get used to that."

He nodded. "Good to hear, K. Can I call you K?"

"Yeah, no."

"Well that's too damn bad, lieutenant... 'cause I'm going to, anyway," he grumbled, closing his eyes. Kaidan couldn't hold back the chuckle that escaped him. Shepard was still drunk as all hell. A knee bumped against his, and as his eyes fell down, he was suddenly fully aware of how close they were sitting.

Shepard dragged a hand across his face before his arms fell motionless to his lap. Turning his head, piercing icy-blue collided with his whiskey-brown, where they lingered. He was convinced they'd be the death of him one day. Kaidan felt that odd and warm sensation he still couldn't quite place. It was like an aura. They were close, sure - there was no doubt about that - but even so, this was very different. The way Shepard was studying him did wonders to his insides. He had never seen him looking at him like that before.

"Anyone ever tell you you've got really nice eyes, LT?" Shepard asked.

He simply froze, his heart beginning to beat far more rapidly underneath the fabric, struggling to process that.

 _Is he...?_

He watched as Shepard's eyes fell to his mouth, and his chest tightened, making him swallow hard. When he looked up again, his gaze was dark, wanting, nearly dangerous. The realization hit him. His unwavering stare had him pinned in place. He lost his thoughts and his body remained unmoving. Kaidan first now realized just how much he wanted, craved, what he was suggesting. Knowing now why his smile always sent him spinning was both pleasing and terrifying.

Before he could process what was happening, lips came against his, determined and direct. Hotly, at the contact, his blood started coursing through his body. He jerked back in shock, but their mouths stuck together, Shepard's eyes closed but his wide open. His movement had Shepard pull away with a wet sound, only inches keeping them apart, eyes fluttering open with the area around them drawn tight.

Kaidan hesitated.

His eyes drooped, leaning somewhat reluctantly in, mouths brushing for his heart to start beating even harder. He finally pushed forward, claiming his lips, met with a willing motion of cooperation.

Sucking in a breath through his nose, he pressed further, parting his lips to feel a warm tongue enter him. He couldn't hold back the guttural moan that had built up in his chest, and without effort, his hands moved up to cup Shepard's face to pull him deeper. Shepard made a muffled sound, sending him throbbing, eagerly dominating his mouth as a hand slipped up the small of Kaidan's back below his shirt.

Shivers traversed down the length of his spine and he savored the touch, revered in it, caressing Shepard's cheekbone with his thumb.

This was wrong.

So damn wrong.

...but he didn't want to stop.

Against his every judgment, he played along, the taste of alcohol yet noticeable on his tongue. Its bitter taste was ignored in the sensation of his mouth upon his. He wasn't usually a greedy man, but knowing that he might never feel those lips again, he made an exception.

It was chaste at first, but god, Kaidan felt everything.

His body was pushed into the bed, and Shepard crawled over him, straddling his hips with his thighs. Lowering his mouth, Shepard bit into his neck, nearly having his eyes roll back in his skull. His whole body trembled when a hand slipped under his shirt again, trailing from his abdomen and up, all the way to his left pec. His lips were once again claimed, a wet tongue dancing around his own, breath reduced to short huffs that left goosebumps in its wake.

Shepard moaned into his mouth when he grabbed a handful of his ass, kneading it, arching up his hips.

Exploring his whole mouth, Shepard's repeated kisses were desperate like he starved, having him do his best to meet them. Friction was created as he was forcefully rubbed up against him, earning him another moan, tightening his hold around him.

He felt his belt grasped, its sides separated, and he finally realized what was happening.

Having to stop him before they went any further, he tipped Shepard around so he was on top, splaying a hand at his chest to keep him down. His breathing was heavy, his body hot, his throbbing member begging him to continue where they left off.

He wasn't going to take advantage of an intoxicated man, especially not his damn CO, so he knew he needed to get away.

Fast.

"I should, ah..." he began, his voice strangled. He cleared his throat. "I should check on the others."

Kaidan tightly shut his eyes and pulled off of him before reattaching his belt, but when he felt his wrist grasped, he made the mistake of looking at him. The hurt in the blue hue in his bloodshot eyes from alcohol was prominent. The guilt ushered through.

"I'll see you in the morning, Shepard," he said instead, pulling away. "Get some sleep."

Shepard was drunk and didn't think clearly.

It meant nothing. It was an impulse. It was a mistake.

...and Kaidan knew he was in deep.

* * *

Shepard woke up with a throbbing head the next day, pleased to see Kaidan placed at the chair in the same room, albeit confused.

He had most likely stopped by again to see if he was all right. He let his eyes wander across his own body only to see that everything was intact. There was no visible attempts at amateur surgery or selling his insides on the black market.

He pulled himself up. "Alenko?" he groaned. "Thank god. I expected waking up next to a batarian. Damn... how out of it was I?"

"I think we've uncovered most of what happened," he replied, giving him a somewhat careful smile as he rose from his seat. "You know, you said something about papers in your sleep when I dropped by earlier."

Shepard accepted the pad held out to him.

"Oh, for fuck's sake..." he murmured, giving it a look.

It was two contracts giving both Garrus and Joker the allowance to use his credits on alcohol for the night. Garrus had bought a completely new gun for himself - a Spectre HMWSR Master Sniper Rifle - while Joker had bought an entire frigate. They had also bought a lot of alcohol to last for several months that were now in the storage.

He wouldn't be surprised if he was now broke.

"We should get moving again before I -" Shepard interrupted himself in mid-sentence, reaching after his back pocket as he felt something tangible. He fished up a key and a name tag he had never seen before. "What the...?"

"Yeah, that's... it belongs to a skycar," he replied, almost sounding worried. "What do you, ah... what do you remember?"

"Bits and pieces," he murmured, as the headache had decided to stay. "I remember being in Flux. Garrus gave me some... some drink I had never seen before. I drank. A lot. I remember something about... a name. I think. Element Zero, maybe? No, Zorya. Then... that's it." Kaidan exhaled, seeming somewhat relieved, making him frown. "What?"

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Nothing."

Although he wasn't convinced, he let it slide.

He just shook his head. "Hell... Grab some painkillers from that locker for me, will you?" he asked. Walking up to the container, Kaidan took a firm grip of the handles and pushed it open. Shepard looked up from his hand, giving him a confused look, as Kaidan was just standing there.

"...Kaidan?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Shepard... why is there a pyjak in your locker?"

Now it made sense. Zorya was one of the many planets inhabiting pyjaks.

"Fuck. I think... I think that's Zorya."


	9. Ch 9: Like Losing A Limb

**Chapter 9: Like Losing A Limb**

* * *

 _"Thinking you were gone… it was like losing a limb." - Kaidan Alenko_

In which Horizon turns Shepard into a dick (not literally.)

* * *

 **A/N:** Before you read - know that Kaidan believed Shepard to be on life support - not knowing that Shepard was literally dead.

K: "I just thought you were on life support... clinically brain dead." (Priority: Cerberus Headquarters, ME3.)

If you want James Vega's story (it happens meanwhile Shepard is dead and being reconstructed,) you should definitely watch the "Mass Effect: Paragon Lost" anime movie on YouTube. Just search it up. It's awesome :D

* * *

The crew had been out in the traverse to eliminate any geth presence in the coming months.

Kaidan heard Joker report over the comm that they were picking up something on the long-range scanner, being an unidentified vessel that looked like a cruiser according to Navigator Pressly, although it didn't match any known signatures. He stood in the mess, conversing with Liara, when everything that could go wrong went wrong.

 _"It's not the geth,"_ Joker suddenly said, the alarm in his voice clear. _"Brace for evasive maneuvers!"_

It didn't take long before the _Normandy_ was hit by some sort of pulse, and Kaidan nearly fell over, supporting himself on the terminal outside Shepard's cabin as he took ahold of Liara's wrist to keep her on her feet.

"Joker, what the hell is happening?" he asked.

 _"I don't know! The damn thing changed its course, I -!"_ he replied, cutting himself off as a pained groan coming from Pressly was heard on the other end. _"Kinetic barriers down. Multiple hull breaches. Weapons offline. Somebody get that fire out!"_

"Goddess!" Liara gasped.

"C'mon, we need to out of here!" Kaidan called, her quick on his heel as they made their way to deck two to get their armors on. Wrex, Garrus and Tali were already gearing up, seeming pleased to see them when they arrived. An immediate panic befell him.

Kaidan surveyed the area. "Where's Shepard?"

"He -he said he was setting up a distress beacon," Tali said, as they all geared up. Of course. He was always thinking ahead. "Keelah..."

"I need to find him," he said, pulling his armor on. "Everyone else, get to the shuttles!"

"Kaidan," protested Garrus, but the look he gave him had him drop it. Nodding, he obeyed as well. Kaidan threw his helmet under his arm before beginning to move. Before he knew it, an explosion was heard and areas of the ship started burning with exhausting, heated fire. He countered several explosions and fires on the way. There was chaos all around them. Screams and explosions. People were dying all over. He feared the _Normandy_ had seen her last day.

He finally found him.

"Shepard!"

"The distress beacon is ready for launch."

Reaching him, he pulled on his helmet to afterwards see Shepard wipe the slight sweat from his brow thanks to the heat. Pulling away from the controls, he equipped his own headgear.

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" Kaidan asked.

When another explosion surfaced right beside him, he had to jerk away not to get caught in the crossfire, the force slumping him forward to crash into Shepard. His upper arms were grasped, securing he didn't fall, and an incredibly blue gaze pinned him. They just looked at each other, Shepard seeming unable to tear his eyes away, although he shortly snapped out of it. Normally he wouldn't mind, but this wasn't the time, nor place. Pushing himself away, Shepard's hands clutched around the neck of a fire extinguisher before he threw it over to him. Kaidan started to put out the increasing flames while Shepard attempted to find the hull breaches.

"The Alliance..." Shepard began, and pushed some messy concrete away to clear their path "...won't abandon us. We just need to hold on." There was no use covering up the hulls. "Dammit... Lieutenant, get everyone to the escape shuttles."

 _Not without you._

"Liara, Garrus, Wrex and Tali are already out, but Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship," he replied, glancing over his shoulder. "I'm not leaving _either."_

"I _need_ you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles," he demanded.

Kaidan's heart got stuck in his throat when he felt his bicep grasped with a determined hold from behind. Shepard trailed his arm down, having him turn to face him, a puzzled look shrouding his features behind his helmet. Kaidan was halfway expected him to do something else - _hoping_ him to do something else - until his hand reached the fire extinguisher, taking it away from him.

"I'll take care of Joker -" he added, but another explosion forced him further away from him. Moving an arm in front of his eyes, he nearly toppled over, clinging to the door leading to the corridor of the cockpit. He looked ready to pry it open if he had to.

"John..." Kaidan softly protested.

"K. Go," he said, his voice soft. It sounded like a plea. He glanced over his shoulder to face Kaidan. Even behind the helmet, he could see Shepard's expression mellow. It returned to its stoic roots. "Now."

Shepard's glare had pinned him, and he hesitated, holding it for as long as he could. He didn't want to leave his CO and pilot in the burning ship alone, but orders were orders, no matter how difficult they were to obey.

Swallowing hard, Kaidan said, "I... Aye, aye."

A small smile was revealed behind Shepard's helmet, his eyes having crinkled slightly, and Kaidan finally got his feet able to cooperate.

Ignoring the churning of his abdomen, he headed towards the shuttles and reined in everyone he could. The _Normandy_ water sprinkles watered the sections of the ship in hope to mend the flames. Joker didn't give up that easily. Not everybody were lucky enough to reach the remaining shuttles as several other explosions appeared in every corner of the ship. It was warzone. Six intact shuttles carried out the survivors, Kaidan joining them, huge pieces of metal and concrete evaporating as they escaped.

* * *

There was another explosion that caused Shepard to almost tumble over again. He kept himself upraised as his hand came in contact with the concrete besides him. He pushed himself back up, moving with an arm shrouding his eyes once again as he tread on, proceeding towards the cockpit. Shepard and Joker were the only ones left. The rest had either died or escaped. The heat was unbearable and Shepard could find himself sweating.

He finally reached the cockpit where Joker was desperately trying to save the ship. Taking a firm grip of the seat chair lean, holding himself steady, he pulled himself up to Joker's side. The sound of the flames occupied the empty sections.

"Joker, c'mon!" he called, struggling to keep upraised. "We have to get the hell out of here!"

"No! I won't abandon the _Normandy!_ I can still save her!"

"The _Normandy_ is lost, goddammit!" Shepard snapped, shooting an arm out towards the concrete that were about to block their escape. He was hoping it was enough to convince Joker to the best of his abilities that there was no chance. Losing a ship wasn't as bad as losing a living, breathing human being. Not even the _Normandy._

As it didn't seem to be enough, he added, "Going down with the ship won't change that."

Joker knew he was right.

"Yeah... okay. Help me up," he finally muttered, moving his glance to the window. "They're coming around for another attack!"

A huge explosion appeared as another beam hit the ship. The beam cut through the _Normandy_ just like a sharp knife while its beam headed straight towards them. Shepard quickly grabbed him, throwing his arm around his neck, starting to move towards the last remaining shuttle in hope that they had enough time. He got Joker into the shuttle, but he wasn't as fortunate, as even more explosions appeared in their wake.

One of them centered right before Shepard so the force of the explosion knocked him several feet to the side. The _Normandy_ had one, big, gaping hull that he was unwillingly heading for. He barely managed to grab ahold of some of the remaining concrete right by the shuttle eject-button.

"Commander!" Joker called helplessly, trying to get to him. "Shepard!"

He felt his fingers about to give in, groaning as one of his hands slipped, although he regained his grip. He realized that a hull was sucking his body towards the open space with a giant beam in front of it. Knowing that the _Normandy_ would explode any minute with an enormous blast radius, he didn't hesitate for a moment to push the eject button, springing the shuttle away from the explosion. When he lost his grip entirely, his body spun 180 degrees and headed straight towards the beam. In the moment he thought he was about to hit it, another explosion filled the area he was in. The force threw his body straight into the concrete before him, knocking the very air out of him while his head also hit, giving an aching head pain before he was cast right out the open hull.

Another beam centered at the ship and was the only thing left needed before she would blow up.

Splinters of the concrete cut his helmet oxygen provider, damaging it on the way, a leak appearing somewhere he wasn't aware. He realized when he tried to breathe. No air was present. In a moment of sheer panic, he shot out his arm.

Shepard desperately took after the back of his helmet with both hands, trying to locate the hull so he could cover it with soft huffs being the only sound coming out from his mouth, the galaxy's atmosphere quickly choking him. He tightly closed his eyes that were now watering unwillingly. Shifting his hands along the downside of his helmet, he felt no ragged edges, tracing his gloved fingers across the area.

His vision blurred. His body went limp. He had no more strength to continue trying. He wasn't able to.

It didn't take long before he had no air left.

* * *

 _"After the *SSV Normandy SR-1* was destroyed, several questions have occurred trying to understand what might have caused the ship's destruction,"_ Hackett reported on a news vid. _"Reports confirm that whatever it was, it was not the geth, something that proves unbelievably curious. We are doing everything we can to get to the bottom of this. I'm also here to indulge the galaxy around a matter we had decided to keep away from the media until now, as we had no certain answer."_

Kaidan clenched his jaw.

 _"I'm unfortunate to say that Commander John Shepard was KIA -"_

The screen flickered before he threw the remote controller onto the coffee table.

Everyone in the Alliance had stopped looking. There were no signs of the commander. Joker blamed himself for Shepard's death, convinced that if he didn't choose to stay in the ship in the first place, Shepard could've taken the shuttle before it exploded. He would be alive. Joker knew he would never forgive himself for that, but he accepted that he made a mistake, and tried to forget.

Kaidan still expected Shepard to walk through the airlock.

His feet were planted on the ground, sitting at the edge of a not-so-comfortable couch, arms resting in his lap. He pinched the bridge of his nose. The intense migraine didn't exactly help. He hadn't been able to sleep restfully ever since Shepard went down with the _Normandy_ and he didn't remember the massaging technique that he once showed him. To be honest with himself, he never bothered to learn it, and Shepard didn't mind. Frankly, he _wanted_ him to do it for him, and he allowed it.

It seemed like Shepard not being present made headaches more common.

Kaidan kept to himself most of the time. Some of his friends on Earth tried to persuade him to go out more, but he straight up refused, rather wanting to focus on work to get his mind off things. That didn't mean that they would stop continuing to push him. He needed time. He would've lied if he said he didn't miss his former CO. Shepard was a handful at times, sure. Kind of an ass, really, but still.

The thought allowed him a smile, although it quickly faltered.

The good memories had almost turned bad. The crew had disbanded ever since Shepard's death, being the only one keeping them all together, as many of them found it to be little reason to stay when he was gone. He stayed with the Alliance. He always would.

But hell... it felt really, damn empty without Shepard.

...

 **2183 CE**

L4 biotic implants were developed.

The Council kept it a secret what the reaper's intentions were, what the Citadel truly was, and the matter around the mass relays.

Cerberus forces, a terrorist group, attacked the _Migrant Fleet_ that decided to change its conservative policy and started sending ships away from the _Flotilla_ so that they could look for new homeworlds.

Several Special Forces units were dispatched to aid the colony of Fehl Prime that was under attack by Blood Pack forces. The majority of the Special Forces were killed in action, but Delta Squad survived, and defeated the Blood Pack. Delta Squad now guarded the colony.

.

 **2184 CE**

Most geth forces in Citadel space was destroyed, but there were yet holdouts where they remained. The Alliance Navy decided to reduce their patrols so that civilian ships were to report geth activity.

Asari made first contact with the raloi species and were formally welcomed into the galactic community, launching their first space telescope and discovered the asari cruiser _Azedes._

The human terrorist organization Totenkopf attacked the Gagarian Station who used the biological weapon EHE, Exotic Humanoid Encephalopathy. To monitor the asteroid Israil, the Alliance cruiser _SSV Manila_ was deployed, and the asteroid contained the supposed origin of the microorganisms used to produce EHE.

First encounter with the vorcha species occurred. Blood Pack mercenaries attacked the _MSV Estevanico_ that crashed into the planet Zanethu.

L5 biotic implants were developed.

.

 **2185 CE**

Collectors attacked the colony of Fehl Prime and most of Delta Squad were lost during the battle. The collector ship harvested the colonists into the ship. James Vega, one of the Delta Squad members, rescued a woman with intel on the collectors instead of the colonists.

Kaidan accepted that Shepard was gone.

* * *

Kaidan sat quaintly in the Embassy Bar at the Presidium. It wasn't exactly the most comfortable place to be, but it was the most accessible place with short distance to the embassies. Councilor Anderson had called him in to meet at the ambassador's office in fifteen minutes with new orders. He couldn't exactly place why he had to meet up with him face-to-face, as the orders usually carried over private terminals and omni-tools, but one thing was for certain - it was important enough to contact him directly.

"Kaidan?" he heard a familiar, soft voice. "I thought I would find you here."

He turned to the woman speaking to him and unexpectedly managed to knock over his own beer causing his relaxed, soft, brown eyes to go wide. The next thing he remembered was spilling half of his easily tepid drink on both the table and himself. Just in time, he caught the bottle before it hit the floor, almost causing him to spring up in a moment of pure shock as if it had just scared the living hell out of him.

"By the goddess, I am so sorry!" she called, and rushed to his aid. "I did not mean to frighten you."

He placed the bottle back on the table, slightly shook his hands that were almost soaked in beer and would be a pain to clean up again, mindful of the looks they both got from other attendants.

"I -it's fine. Really. Don't worry about it, Liara," he said, almost chuckled. "I have a larger paycheck, now. A half beer isn't too much to worry about. Either way, considering the circumstances, it's good to see you again."

She smiled apologetically. "It is good to see you as well, Kaidan. I am still sorry for sneaking up on you like that. It was not intended. I forget it has been a while since we last spoke. Seeing me here is unexpected. I shall ask the owner of this lounge to find some sheets."

He had no time to persist before she had stormed off. Instead, he slid back into the chair and awaited her return. It didn't take long before he saw her approach him with the sheets. The owner of the bar insisted cleaning up the table and so he only had to worry about himself. It would leave some ugly stains in his marine-blue civvies, but that was little to be concerned about. What he did want to know was what Liara was doing at the Citadel.

"What are you doing here, Liara?" he asked, finishing cleaning up. "I haven't seen you since -"

"...since the fall of Sovereign," she finished with a softened expression, and propped into the chair besides him. "I am sorry for not taking contact earlier, Kaidan. For the past years, I have focused entirely on Shep -Illium... has kept me occupied for the past years. I have been monitoring and gathering intel on the Shadow Broker. I am close to finding his base. It is very exciting. Unfortunately I have not had time to do much else."

"That's very impressive, Liara. But you have nothing to apologize for. I've been mostly occupied myself. You know, new duties, new orders."

"Yes, I heard," she replied with a soft smile, although it shortly dissolved. "I take it you have not spoken with the councilor, yet?" His meeting with Anderson had been off the records. No one knew about it. The surprise must've shown on his face.

Smirking, she said, "I appear to have quite the information broker skills, myself."

Kaidan chuckled. "That's very true," he said. "No, I haven't. The information I have about the mission is very restricted. It doesn't tell me much except from Cerberus activity in several of the systems, human colonies being hit, but that's about it."

"I see. I would very much like to speak with you after you have. If Councilor Anderson allows it, of course. We have a lot to discuss, Staff Commander," she replied, and her face lit up. "I would also love to catch up."

He returned the smile. "That sounds great, Liara. I would love to."

"Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko," he heard a man call from the door opening, snapping a salute. "Councilor Anderson would like to see you now."

Liara turned back to him with a warm smile. "Good luck. I will be in the Presidium by the café when you return."

He returned a nod and then rose up from the chair as well as she. The marine stepped aside when Liara approached and allowed her to exit. He was soon brought to the ambassador's office where Anderson stood tall with hands moved behind his back.

Kaidan snapped a salute, receiving a nod and a soft smile in return.

"Councilor Anderson, sir. You wanted to see me?"

"I did," he replied, but blinked as his eyes wandered to the stains in his civvies. Kaidan's cheeks flushed. It was at his thigh so the location could've been much worse. Anderson didn't comment. "Good to see you made it over here, Staff Commander. At ease, soldier."

He let his hand drop to his side.

With a hand gesture, Anderson guided him in the direction to sit. He approached the chair and slid into it, feeling uneasy while shifting as if he knew what he had in store. He let his arms rest at the tabletop, not knowing what else to do with them, following Anderson with his eyes who was calmly pacing the room with a fixated look.

"As I told you in my message, we have had reports of Cerberus activity in several systems," he added. "After the attack on Fehl Prime, we have kept our eyes open to any form of Cerberus activity. The mission I am about to give you involves the human colony attacks that we believe Cerberus is behind. We believe that the colony Horizon in the Iera system is the next one to get hit. We want you to bring your team and check it out."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Granted."

"I understand the dangers of the situation and I'm more than willing to participate in this mission, but... with all due respect... the colony attacks are not classified in any way. As well as Cerberus being involved," he said, and Anderson turned his back against him to look out the window. "Why contact me directly with this information? Has there been a bug in the system to make it dangerous to converse via comm-link or messages? I also don't understand why you specifically asked for me and not any other soldier."

Anderson took a moment. "Cerberus operatives have been seen in company of Commander Shepard."

Kaidan's throat went dry.

Commander _Shepard._

He didn't understand as if his brain had just short-circuited and needed rebooting. He found himself trembling and could swear he had the taste of blood in his mouth. Dizzy and almost nauseous because of it. His emotions stumbled between anger and relief. Denial and acceptance. He was glad he was already sitting because his legs would most likely give in if he stood upraised. Cerberus. Shepard was working for _Cerberus._ What the hell went wrong? At the moment, however, there was only one thing that he could think of.

He swallowed hard.

"John's alive?"

The words came out as a strangled mutter.

When Anderson turned back, Kaidan's eyes intently focused on his face, looking for any sign of dishonesty. Waiting for someone to walk into the room and say it was a joke - a cruel as hell joke - waiting for someone to pinch him back into reality.

"So the rumors say. But hell, that's all they are. Rumors."

Shepard could be _alive._

"Dr. Liara T'Soni recovered his body two years ago," Anderson replied, and Kaidan could swear his heart tried to escape through his throat. _Body._ Shepard's _body._ That sentence sent a ray of discomfort through his own. "I would advise you to speak with her before you head for Horizon."

* * *

Kaidan wasn't sure if he wanted to punch him or hug him.

Obliviously, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the man before him, going rigid from the sudden intimate contact. He felt arms envelop him shortly after. For a moment, they just held each other, not uttering a single word. Kaidan pinched his eyes shut to realize how much he'd missed the contact. He couldn't even begin to describe how glad he was to see him in one piece. Alive and walking.

"You all right, K?" he asked, draping an arm around his shoulder. "Nice to see you, too."

The voice, having heard the small smile in it, hit him like a bag of bricks. It was Shepard's voice. He had missed the sound of it. Far more than he would like to admit. Kaidan inhaled, burying his face in the grope between his neck and shoulder, feeling him turn into it.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did."

Two years. Shepard had been presumed dead for two years that seemed like forever, and here he was, standing right in front of his former lieutenant. After Liara had found Shepard's body, she delivered it to Cerberus who collected their best scientists and knowledge to bring him back, calling it 'The Lazarus Project.' They knew that losing Shepard would make winning this war even more difficult.

Now when Saren was dead, Shepard was the only one that had the knowledge of the beacons and the understanding of the prothean language. The leader of Cerberus, Illusive Man, had made sure the Lazarus Project came to fruition. For two years, they worked on this project. For two years, Shepard had most likely been on life support. For two years, Kaidan had believed Shepard was gone, and would remain that way.

After they brought down Sovereign and Shepard walked through the rubble, he was ready to believe anything. But after two years, he was convinced that it was no longer so, having come to terms with his death.

Now, he was back, and he didn't know how to process it.

Kaidan tightened his embrace before he pulled away, feeling the hand laid around his shoulder cupping his cheek, opening his eyes to see the warmth in Shepard's gaze as he dropped his hand. He let his eyes search the facial scars on his cheek that he'd probably gained after the _Normandy_ went down, a red glow present in them, but made sure he didn't stare. They were still visible but beginning to fade.

Shepard had shifted before he embraced him, guiding him towards the other side of his face instead, so he wasn't happy with them himself.

"It's been too long, Kaidan," he said, now wearing the same stoic look. "How've you been?"

Scoffing, Kaidan asked, "Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?" Shepard opened his mouth but didn't have the time to inquire before Kaidan cut him off.

 _You don't have the right to reply._

"I would've followed you anywhere, Commander!" he snapped, taking a step forward that nearly forced Shepard to back away. "Thinking you were gone... it was like losing a limb. Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you at least let me know you were alive?"

Shepard seemed taken aback. "Kaidan, I was out for two years. You've moved on with your career and life. Why reopen old wounds?"

"Old wounds?" he echoed, venom in his voice. "Hell, I don't know what I am to you, but is it so damned difficult to put yourself in my situation - never seeing a man you've known for months exit that godforsaken pod after the _Normandy_ was destroyed?" He watched as his expression mellowed, his own heart beating rapidly, his chest tight.

"I did move on," he added, trying to convince himself. His eyes dropped to the ground, avoiding all forms of eye contact, knowing it wasn't true. "At least I thought I did. But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus."

"Wait. Reports?" Garrus asked, standing next to a woman that he hadn't seen before. "You mean you already knew?"

"The Alliance thought Cerberus could be behind the missing colonists. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit," he replied, turning back to Shepard. He found himself swallowing as he watched him, his demeanor unfazed. "Anderson stonewalled me. But there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy."

Shepard shook his head. "Cerberus and I want the same thing. That doesn't mean I answer to them."

"Do you really believe that? Or is it just what Cerberus wants you to think?" he spat, taking another step forward to leave inches between them. "I wanted to believe you were alive, but I never expected anything like this." He cast his gaze Garrus' way who had joined Shepard's OP as well before turning back to meet the blue hue. "You've turned your back on everything we stood for."

"Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself. The collectors are targeting human colonies," he replied, taking another step forward "...and they're working with the reapers!"

It only left about thirty centimeters between the two, and although angry, Kaidan didn't attempt to add to the distance between them. The thick layer of trust that once formed between the sentinel and soldier became thinner and thinner at every waking moment. He wasn't himself as he spoke and couldn't stop himself from saying something he knew he would come to regret.

"I want to believe you, Shepard, but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a reaper to manipulate _you,"_ he said. "What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the collectors?"

"Damn it, Kaidan!" Garrus broke in.

"Typical Alliance attitude," the woman said, arms folded across her chest. She had an Australian accent, clear hostility in her tone, if not exasperation. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're blind to the real threat."

He saw the Cerberus logo by her collarbone.

Of course.

She was one of them.

"You're one to talk," he replied, taking a step forward only to feel a flattened hand between his pecs as Shepard held him back. "How the hell can I simply ignore that? You were doing experiments on innocent people, killed Admiral Kahoku!" He turned to Shepard. "They slaughtered your unit, for god's sake! How the hell can you trust these people?"

"I wasn't part of that," she said, scowling. "Cerberus are not a simple terrorist organization, we -"

"Hey, this isn't helping," Shepard said softly, giving her a look over her shoulder. Her expression immediately mellowed. She had respect for him, at least, although she showed little of it towards Kaidan.

Shepard dropped his hand. "You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

"Maybe. Or maybe you think you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight," he replied. "You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they want to believe your story or not."

"I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan," he said, after Kaidan began to walk away. "It'll be just like old times."

"No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." He turned back, noticing the somewhat pained expression on his face. "Goodbye, Shepard." His reply seems so unfazed that he felt his insides twist. It was so far away from the truth that he almost believed it himself.

He didn't notice that he had paused before it was too late to cover for it.

His voice softened "...and be careful."

Walking away, he felt unusually soft, blue eyes upon him as he left.

"Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up," he heard Shepard's weary voice, revealing that he and Garrus weren't the only ones working for Cerberus. Kaidan's chest tightened. "I've had enough of this colony."

* * *

When he finally came to terms that Shepard was dead, he casually approached him on Horizon, complicating things even more. Shepard had been lost to them, and he knew in his head that he had to accept this, proving far more difficult than he ever would've thought. Nevertheless, he knew that he hadn't treated Shepard fairly at all down on Horizon, regretting what he had said at once.

Hell, he didn't want to leave it like that.

Seeing Shepard alive sent him spinning, but things had changed, considerably. Everything that came out of his mouth was thrown accusations for Shepard to feel bad about himself. It was the exact thing that happened when Ashley died back on Virmire. The guilt was killing him. He blamed him for not taking contact for two whole years, which pissed him off, seeing that he had mourned him through it all.

 _Why the hell didn't he contact me?_

If Anderson didn't send him to Horizon, he never would've known that Shepard was alive, not unless Liara had told him either way. That was another matter that bothered him. Why didn't Liara tell him sooner? She probably felt ashamed that she wasn't willing to let Shepard go, but she wasn't the one he accused, even if she was the one who handed him over to the enemy. He blamed Shepard. No one else.

Hell, he blamed him for _dying,_ and that was egoistic as hell.

He was convinced that Shepard was just a puppet, modified for Cerberus' benefits, building him from the ground up. There was no way that things could get back to how they were even as much as he wanted to. He didn't know what to believe. Especially now.

Kaidan was clutching the report of the mission.

His head was blank and no words appeared in his mind. Putting what happened down there on a pad was a pain. He had some sort of invisible force shrouding his mind, only leaving him thinking about the way he walked out on him, struggling to concentrate. It was eating away at his mind. Hell, he needed to do something, apologize for what he had said. He couldn't bring himself to contact the man directly, so he decided to write a message with an open ending, needing no reply. Two hours passed while trying to find the best words and setting possible. Kaidan was close to giving up when the clock approached four hours instead.

...

 _'Shepard, hey -'_

 _'I didn't mean what I said back on Horizon -'_

 _'What I meant to say, was -'_

 _'Shepard, I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon...'_

After that, everything just came fluently, and nothing was held back.

* * *

Shepard, Miranda - a Cerberus officer who was also his XO - and Garrus just came back from Horizon.

The airlock loudly shut behind them. Moving his hands to the edge of his helmet, he gently pulled it off, followed by rolling his shoulders. He was thankful that those paralytic insects hadn't taken a bite of him. Collectors and YMIR mechs he could handle, but this? He would rather avoid any form of contact related to it. Being paralyzed wasn't exactly the most pleasant experience. Especially when you were aware of everything happening around you.

His gaze followed Miranda as she walked past him and headed for her office.

She always put the mission first and he respected her greatly for that. Miranda had always been the bossy one, crass and somewhat of an ice-queen, and she took some time to warm up to. Shepard had seen through her, knowing it was simply a protective wall, and there was something particularly appealing about that. She had been genetically modified - giving her an edge - so he could accept her having some attitude judging by the fact that she had few flaws. Her amazing looks gave it away and Shepard had to admit that he had glanced her way more than a few times.

His attention settled at Garrus who clicked his mandibles, wanting to say something about what happened down there, but let it be. He knew him well enough to know that he didn't want to talk. Their next stop was Illium.

"Hey, Commander." Joker spun the leather seat around when Shepard approached him. "That's uh, that's pretty crazy the people you can run into out here, huh? I mean, it was probably a setup or something, but it was still good to see Kaidan. Staff Commander Alenko, wasn't it?"

He had considered forcing him at gunpoint.

Shepard shook his head. "Just another reminder I've lost more than my life. I don't need this crap," he spat, taking Joker off-guard as his eyes went wide. His reaction to all this surprised more than those around him. The throbbing headache that was building up in his head was probably the cause of it, and adding all that bullshit Kaidan threw his way, it only increased to his anger.

Joker blinked. "Right, Commander."

"Sorry. Didn't mean to snap like that," he murmured, guiding a hand across his face. "I just... really don't want to talk 'bout this."

"Yeah, yeah. I get it. Don't pop a gasket."

Shepard took a moment. "I assume everything is going well up here?"

"This thing wants to fire me over a joke!" he replied, turning to their AI. "Okay, I said I'd flash the AI core, but I was kidding. And we'd only lose a few systems." He flashed and an expression of disgust. "Nosey ones."

The Enhanced Defense Intelligence, EDI for short, was the artificial intelligence of the ship. She has control over most of the systems, much to Joker's dismay, preferring to fly the ship without any kind of help. Cerberus had created and installed her to the _SSV Normandy SR-2._

She was presented as a blue, holographic sphere, being a Quantum Blue Box.

 _"To clarify,"_ EDI said. _"Human resources adjustments are not actually under my authority."_

"Then _why?"_ Joker asked irritably. "Why are you always picking on me?"

 _"My replies were intended to provoke, though not to cause distress. Your reactions are atypical of most humans. You are interesting."_

There was apparently nothing in the restrictions that forbade active observation techniques. It appeared that Joker's performance improved under duress, according to EDI, but Joker chimed in that he never figured that the coming overlords would be so annoying.

Classic Joker.

The headache was almost in its full force, and Shepard took after his head.

He approached the galaxy map to set course for Illium, eyes wandering to the blinking light on his personal terminal, letting his hand drop and transferring whatever messages stored on the terminal onto his omni-tool by guiding it across the screen. He hoped for the death of him that it wasn't another interview coming up with Khalisah.

However, when he brought up the omni-tool display and unlocked the screen, his body went rigid.

It was quiet enough for him to clearly hear the sound of his own heartbeat.

...

 ** _From:_** _Kaidan Alenko_

 ** _Subject:_** _About Horizon..._

...

He shut off the omni-tool.

.

 _[MESSAGE UNREAD]_


	10. Ch 10: Scars

**Chapter 10: Scars**

* * *

 _"You know the Commander?" - James Vega_

In which Shepard reads Kaidan's letter.

* * *

People say you should be proud of your scars.

For Shepard, that wasn't the case.

As soon as he stepped into his cabin, he moved his hands to the edge of his shirt and pulled it off over his head, throwing it at the chair. His dog tags rattled at the movement before his eyes obliviously wandered to the small mirror to his side. A frown furrowed his brow. It was surprising how he wasn't entirely covered in scars after what he had been through. They definitely did a good job patching him up. The state he was in somehow reminded him of the time he was at his lowest after Akuze.

It was all Kaidan's fault.

He wanted to kick his ass for doubting him. Kaidan's words had been said with such venom that he nearly believed him. Believed that working with Cerberus would only come back to bite him in the ass. The Alliance wasn't doing a damn thing and he refused to just sit back, watch another colony get taken and transformed by the collectors, watch the events of Fehl Prime repeat themselves tenfold.

How could he not see that?

After everything they had been through together, after everything they had endured, his distrust hit him the hardest. Kaidan was his sanity, and now when he was gone, so was Shepard's principles. When Cerberus brought Shepard back to life, he could only remember the bigger feats, and even they were blurry. He remembered the shock waking up the first time, troubled breathing as he could do little more than huff with uneven pauses, and the sharp pain in his chest. He remembered hearing a woman with an Australian accent, later finding out it was Miranda, talking to another doctor.

Shepard traced a scar below his pec with an index finger. He had probably gained it in the explosion because he couldn't remember it. Studying the rifted skin, he moved his attention to his pronounced facial scars.

Even his eyes had taken a red glow.

A flash interrupted him, a stab in his head that had him jerk back. He took after the bridge of his nose and pinched his eyes shut. The only way he kept himself upraised was by firmly taking hold of the cold, compact counter before him, supporting his weight.

The heat. The smoke. The sound of Joker's voice calling out.

 _/"Commander! ...Shepard!"/_

The impact of his body hitting the concrete. No control. No oxygen. Complete darkness.

With a deep intake of breath and wide eyes, Shepard broke out from a closely resembled trance as if he had witnessed a vivid drell memory. A hand encountered the table before him, clutched into a fist, his head bowed down heavily. He felt the slight sweat running from his forehead and took note of how his chest was pulsating more rapidly than usual.

Some memories were better off forgotten.

He had been troubled with dreams ever since his reconstruction. His memories were coming back. He had never flashed like this before in the waking world and he definitely couldn't say that he was a big fan.

Shepard ripped off the dog tags that Liara had dropped by with. Worn. He had worn them when he landed on Alchera. Pushing himself away from the counter, he let his body fall to the bed, feet planted and toes bored into the ground underneath him. He looked down at his omni-tool.

Kaidan's message had been left unread. He wasn't sure if he wanted to see it, but hell, he missed him. A lot.

They hadn't left it on good terms and Kaidan wouldn't bring it up again just to make things worse between them. Kaidan was apologizing. In a way, that made it worse, because Shepard would most likely forgive him. He didn't want to forgive him. Not now. Maybe not ever.

After hesitating, Shepard silently inhaled, and swept a finger across the screen.

...

 ** _About Horizon..._**

 _'Shepard,'_

 _'I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent... two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the *Normandy.* It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving, and... move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?'_

.

Shepard felt his brows draw together. He clenched his jaw just looking at the damn thing as a sudden longing bore through his chest. He almost forgave him right there. Kaidan was too stuck up on Cerberus to see the collector threat clearly. Garrus was right.

 _There's no way in hell that words on a damn data pad is going to change my mind -_

.

 _'Then... I saw you.'_

.

It hit him like a freight train two hours late for transit. This message was sent the very same day and he was already apologizing. Shepard's muscles slacked, and his tightened grip around the dog tags barely eased around them.

He took it all in.

.

 _'...and everything just... pulled hard to port.'_

 _'I mean, you were standing in front of me... but you were with Cerberus. I -I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night, of you and me - us - just forgetting everything about the war. It meant everything to me. Maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.'_

 _'But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon... on the *Normandy.* And I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the man I remember, I know you'll find a way to stop these collector attacks, but Cerberus is... Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.'_

 _'When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.'_

 _'-K'_

...

Just like that - he was forgiven - worrying Shepard how easy it was. He shut off the omni-tool while his back hunched wearily over the bedside. Pinching the bridge of his nose, his hand still clenched around his dog tags, arms fell into his lap.

 _Like losing a limb._

* * *

Kaidan had no idea how much time had passed.

When the reports came in, his heart broke. Shepard had recently ventured into the Omega 4 Relay. It was a suicide mission. Only because of Shepard's abilities and plain luck, the new ship had gotten safely out without any casualties. They had destroyed an entire collector base.

The word reached him that Shepard had been arrested for blowing up a batarian relay, but it was all classified, although he already knew that the explanation the Alliance had given everyone was far from the truth. He had eventually managed to get through to Anderson who told him that Shepard had delayed a reaper invasion, and in the process, sacrificed the relay that they would pour through.

Now, the politicians had stripped away the title of Commander of the _Normandy,_ surely having a knack for insulting the very man who saved their ungrateful asses. Shepard had been in constant surveillance since then. Lieutenant James Vega, a soldier from Fehl Prime, had been assigned as his bodyguard. Scanners had picked up that something big was headed their way, and the politicians had the damn nerve to seek out Shepard for help again. He was in the very building only a few walls apart. It left a bitter taste in his mouth to know that their reunion was inevitable.

"Anderson," he said, having seen him in the distance.

He immediately regretted allowing his eyes to wander. There he was, John Shepard, back facing him in dialogue with Vega. A whole wave of regret forced itself through the veil. He had so much to say but his mind went him after all this proved far more difficult than he had hoped. Shepard had to be pissed about Horizon still and he couldn't blame him. Kaidan knew he had gone out of line.

It came out a whisper. "Shepard..."

"Kaidan?"

The look on his face immediately fell when Shepard turned his way. Instead of meeting icy-blue irises, he met unfamiliar red, his ragged scars far more pronounced than before. The same red-ish glow reflected in them.

His heart went to his throat when Shepard quickly averted his eyes, the skin around drawing tight, lips pressed into a thin line.

Good god though, how much he had missed that voice and face. As unfamiliar as it might be, he could still see Shepard past the obvious synthetic-affected skin. The same cheekbones. The same strong jaw and full lips. Kaidan revered how professionally he handled the situation. He knew Shepard was a controlled man but he also knew that he had the tendency to refuse speaking when upset. Not only was it in his voice. It was in his face as well. He seemed relaxed up until their eyes met.

Kaidan took full responsibility for draining the slight hope that he had seen in his gaze.

Ignoring what just happened, Shepard turned to Vega to say something out of his earshot before he made his way towards him and Admiral Anderson. Admiral. Anderson was an Admiral, now. A lot had happened since Shepard went down with the _SR-1._

"How did it go in there, major?" Anderson asked, breaking him from his trance.

Kaidan forced his attention away from Shepard. "Okay, I guess," he said. "Hard to know. I'm just waiting for orders now."

"Major?" Shepard walked up to them, genuine surprise in his voice.

Swallowing, he said, "Sorry, Shepard. It's been... Well."

"That's okay." Shepard wore small - but somehow forced - smile when Kaidan's eyes finally built up enough courage to meet his. "Just... glad I bumped into you, major."

 _No 'K.' Not even a 'Kaidan' or 'Alenko.' Just 'Major.' Dammit._

He forced a tight-lipped smile, amazed how much that actually hurt, but it soon faltered.

Kaidan cleared his throat and looked away. "Yeah... Me too."

The Council was ready to see them.

Their eyes met when Shepard pushed past him, but he had quickly broken the connection. Kaidan was tempted to reach after him. Nevertheless, he remained where he was and let his eyes follow him when he walked away.

"You know the Commander?" Vega asked, lining himself up next to him.

He took a moment. "I used to."

It didn't take more than fifteen minutes before everything went to hell. They lost contact with Luna base, and reapers had poured past their defenses like it was child's play. Earth. The reapers had hit Earth. Worse yet, they had hit Vancouver, and stood at their doorstep. The whole damn human Council had been killed in the attack. They had attempted to get in contact with Admiral Hackett, to no avail. Kaidan was ordered by Anderson to get back to the _Normandy_ in the confusion and meet up with him at the LZ, so he brought Vega along. Much to his relief, Anderson reported that he had Shepard with him.

Seemed like fate didn't want them apart.


	11. Ch 11: Leaving Earth

**Chapter 11: Leaving Earth**

* * *

 _"I might be part synthetic, but I'm not a damned machine, Kaidan." - John Shepard_

In which Shepard snaps.

* * *

The way everything exploded around them reminded Shepard about the _SR-1's_ incineration.

Death was all around them, shuttles exploding from the heat of the reapers' beams, the air polluted by smoke and burnt concrete with a penetrating smell. So much death and destruction. He had warned them and yet they dismissed his every claim like a case without evidence. They had seen Sovereign firsthand, and still, they didn't believe him. He was so damn tired of not being believed. Tired of trying. But someone had to.

With the reduced strength he had left, he pried a shut door apart, feeling the now tepid steel linger between his fingertips.

He noticed he wasn't as efficient as he used to. The force of a reaper's beam had sent him flying into a metal bench, giving him an impounding headache. Splinters had braced his skin and left small cuts on his body. The damages weren't bad so he would definitely live. Considering the fact that he was spaced, died and then just came back again - more pissed than ever - he had faith in surviving a few scrapes and burns.

Shepard grunted when he finally got it open. "In here..."

Anderson moved through as he held it open for him, and he was about to follow, until a small sound by an air duct caught his ear. He was surprised to find the same kid he had seen that very same day, playing with a model ship on the grass, no worries fazing him - now reduced to a small and scared lost soul, trying to make himself invisible.

Letting go of the door, he was careful not to be between the gaps when it shut behind him.

"Hey." He kept his voice low not to intimidate him as he approached. Shepard crouched down before the air duct to be at his level, propping an arm to the top. Wide-eyed, the kid gazed out. Shepard wanted to tell him not to look. "It's okay."

"Everyone is dying..." the kid muttered, his voice trembling.

It was a brittle squeak. Small and vulnerable. No kid should experience something like this. Shepard opened his mouth to offer help, but an explosion in the distance beat him too it, catching his attention. With a small gasp, the kid moved further into the duct.

Reaching out, Shepard said, "Come on. You've got to get out of here." It came out harsher than intended, but the kid glanced at his hand anyways. "Take my hand."

"You can't help me."

Not understanding what he meant, Shepard took his hand back, about to ask.

"Shepard!" he heard Anderson call, over by the door. "In here."

Shepard heard a faint sound, off in the distance, comparable to the Eden Prime colonists' description of Sovereign's transmitting signal. Taking after his head, he groaned, his ears having begun to ring. The sound disappeared again. When he turned back, his eyes went wide to see no signs of the kid he had literally just spoken to. If he didn't know better, he could've sworn he was seeing visions.

Gently pushing his body up to search the area, he felt like he was hallucinating, his hand balling into a fist as if to wake himself up.

He eventually flagged it off and hurried after Anderson.

Pushing forward, they had to clear the platform for it to be safe for the _Normandy_ to land. The creatures that the reapers had brought with them closely resembled indoctrinated species. Some of them looked like mutated batarians that neither of them had seen the likes of before. They finally got in contact with the ship, and Shepard had to admit that it was good to hear Kaidan's voice again, knowing he was all right. After emptying his clip on one of the waves, the _Normandy_ was seen in orbit.

When she touched down, the cargo door opened to reveal Kaidan and Vega stepping out with their assault rifles.

Shepard held a firm grip around his own, took speed and leapt onto the _Normandy_ to have Kaidan reach out to catch him. A shiver went down the length of his spine when his hand encountered his bicep with a touch of reassurance as he was pulled in. Tilting his head up, their eyes collided, whisky-brown and warm looking straight at him. Swallowing hard, he realized that taking a single step forward would result in merely inches between them if he hadn't reacted as quickly as he did. He was just too suffocatingly close.

"Welcome aboard, Shepard," Kaidan said.

Clearing his throat, Shepard broke the eye contact and turned to gaze out at Earth beneath him. He took in all the destruction as he aimed through his scope, centered at the creatures moving towards them.

He glanced at Kaidan from the corner of his eye. "Thanks."

Kaidan gave him a nod and a soft smile that was close to melt him on the spot before his attention drifted to Earth as well. He proceeded to gun down an indoctrinated batarian. Vega began moving towards the cargo hold as it was now cleared and didn't hear the rest of their conversation. Anderson had however stopped at the ramp.

"Come on!" Shepard called.

An Alliance cruiser with two marines standing in the open descended towards the ground, engaging the hostiles, evacuating civilians that helplessly tried to escape. Anderson's eyes focused on the exchange before stopping at Shepard.

"I'm not going."

"Like hell you aren't!" Shepard spat, scowling. If you're staying, I'm staying. We're in this fight together, Anderson!"

"It a fight that we can't win. Not without help," he replied, frowning. "You know that as well as I do, Shepard. Stop thinking irrationally. You need to look at the big picture. Talk to the Council. Convince them to help us."

Defeated, he asked, "What if they won't listen?"

"Then make them listen! Now go. That's an order!"

"I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?"

"Consider yourself reinstated." Anderson reached for his back pocket and fished up something tangible before throwing it Shepard's way "...Commander." Blue eyes traversed the dog tags he had caught with one hand. "You know what you have to do."

He knew he was right, but hell, that didn't make it any easier.

"Admiral, with all due respect -" he persisted, but the look Anderson gave him told him that there was no use arguing. Shepard cursed under his breath. "Dammit. I'll be back for you - and I'll bring every fleet I can." It was a promise he intended to keep. He began to move inwards the ship, giving Anderson one final glance over his shoulder. "Good luck."

Anderson returned a proud smile. "You too, Shepard."

The _Normandy_ made a sound to make them aware she was ready for takeoff. Shepard briefly looked at Kaidan, and he could tell he was just as reluctant to leaving Anderson on Earth judging by his somewhat pained expression. Kaidan turned his head before he could look away, and he was once again presented with the honey-brown hue. Unable to contain himself, Shepard held that glance for a long time. The way Kaidan's expression softened as he made no attempt to break the connection had his head to cartwheels.

It wasn't until he felt the ship move beneath his feet that he managed to tear his eyes away.

Taking his place beside him, he cast one final glance Anderson's way to see him offering a reassuring salute for good fortune. Shepard followed him a few feet with his eyes as he had begun to move towards their base.

He felt a hand gently squeeze his shoulder, knowing it was Kaidan, and gave him a nod to say that he was fine. The hand retracted, and Kaidan followed the same trail that Vega had taken to the cargo hold. Shepard stood alone on the ramp, looking out. One of the intact frigates used to evacuate surviving civilians caught his attention. The expression on his face faltered when he saw the kid. He felt a small smile quirk the corner of his lips, but it quickly faltered, as another relentless reaper shriek had his headache conjured up again. He saw the kid cover his eyes, blocking out the loud noise. Shepard waited in anticipation when the boy began to crawl into the frigate.

No one were helping him.

Not a damn soul.

The hell was wrong with these guys?

He caught the kid's eye when he looked up at him, finally having made it into the frigate, before the door shut after him. Another vechicle was loaded with civilians before it began to ascend into the sky.

The reaper was charging another laser beam.

In a brief moment of hope, it looked like they were going to make it. That was until the beam cut through one of them like a knife and moved towards the other. The one carrying the kid. Shepard moved an arm to cover his eyes not to get blinded by the explosion's bright light. Lowering his hand, he only saw the concrete evaporate, pieces thrown meter by meter. He held the glance until he couldn't hold it anymore. The blood boiled inside of him. Shepard concentrated back on Earth as he locked his jaw tight.

He eventually dragged his feet inwards and the platform shut behind him. Four reapers was seen in London only as gunships tried to shoot them down. His mind was clear with intent that the reapers were going to pay for Earth's destruction.

* * *

"What the hell is going on?" Vega asked, quick on his heel as he crossed the floorboards. "Where's Anderson? Where are we going?" Shepard gave him no reply. "Hey!"

"We're leaving."

"Leaving?" he repeated, in disbelief.

Shepard quickly explained that Anderson had ordered them to get to the Citadel, get help for the fight, because Vega wouldn't back down. The lieutenant wasn't stupid. The kid knew that without help, this war was already over - but he was a fighter, a damn stubborn one. Shepard was convinced that he was against leaving Earth in this state and his suspicion was quickly confirmed.

"Then you can drop me off at the nearest depot, 'cause I'm not leaving -" Vega insisted, but stopped when Shepard took a step forward, skidding him into an abrupt halt.

"Stow it, Lieutenant!" he snapped. "You don't want to go - we get it - but this isn't a democracy!"

Vega went quiet then, seeming somewhat taken aback as he stared at him wide-eyed. Shepard was known for his calm approach and demeanor. Nevertheless, that was no longer so. He was determined to win this war, no matter the cost, and if he didn't like it then too bad. Shepard was the one in charge and he had the guts to prove it. He had been too soft and naïve before. It had only taken Kaidan's rejection in joining him in his fight against the collectors to change that.

Shepard moved further into the cargo hold. "We're going to the Citadel... you want out, you can catch a ride back from there."

Vega waved it off.

Admiral Hackett contacted them over terminal with orders to head for an Alliance outpost on Mars. It was a priority and the Council would have to wait. If they didn't get to Mars as soon as possible, they would lose control of the system. Hackett mentioned Liara, but the link was too damaged to understand what he was saying. He could make out something about a way to stop the reapers.

"Joker. Set a course for the Mars Archives," Shepard ordered, looking up at the speakers.

Shepard hunched over a table and eyed one of the pads. His intention was sending a message to Liara to get an idea of what they would run into down on Mars, but his thought-process was interrupted.

"Shepard. We need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about, major. Stay focused -" he said, but froze when Kaidan splayed a hand at the table before him, forcing him to meet his eyes. They were no longer warm.

"Don't flag me off." His reply sounded like a warning.

His stare was unwavering as he held Kaidan's eyes with his own. He wasn't backing down, either, and he was seriously starting to piss him off. First he called him out for being a traitor to the Alliance, walked away after he refused to listen, and now he had the nerve to demand Shepard to hear him out? He was a real piece of work, all right.

"Are you threatening me, major?"

Kaidan didn't waver. "If we're going to do this mission together, I need to know if I can trust you. I don't want us to worry about stray bullets."

Casting his pupils aside, Shepard caught Vega watching them carefully while loading a clip. By the way his eyes had widened, he could only be thinking one thing. _Shiiit... That's cold._ Shepard found himself clenching his jaw as he felt his breathing turn heavier, fighting the urge to give Kaidan a piece of his mind. He had lost his patience.

With knitted fists, he pushed from the table in a harsh movement.

"Don't put this on me."

"You had Joker, Tali, Garrus... hell, even Chakwas!" Kaidan shouted, being uncharacteristic to him. "I -it doesn't matter. You made it through the Omega 4 Relay without me, and hell, I already apologized for not knowing about the damn suicide mission!"

Shepard's heavy heel took a determined step forward that only left inches between them.

"You were there when all this hell started, Alenko!" he snapped, expression feral. "You and Ash were the ones that always kept me in check. Like it or not, but I need the reassurance that at least one of you is still breathing!"

He could tell Kaidan's heart tried to escape through his throat at his addition.

"I might be part synthetic, but I'm not a damn machine, Kaidan," he added through clenched teeth. "It's about time you realized that."

He knew his voice was low, hurt, fragile. So not 'Shepard.' Kaidan looked like he wanted to apologize, but no sound came out when he opened his mouth. Shepard turned away before he had the chance to inquire and began to move towards the CIC. He saw Kaidan reach after him, but he was already out of range, feeling whiskey-brown upon him when he left. Shepard heard Vega let out a single whistle to break the awkward silence before he stepped into the elevator.

* * *

They were ready to head out when the _Normandy_ approached the LZ.

Standing in the shuttle, the headache brewing up in Kaidan's skull was relentless. He was loading a new clip into the assault rifle and fumbled while getting the bullets together, nearly dropped it while internally cursing. His brain and hands simply didn't want to cooperate. He tried the same with the pistol until the headache worsened and instead chose to take after the bridge of his nose. He could soon feel a soft, warm but reassuring pressure at his wrist even through his thick, blue-plated armor. It was followed by a slight bump in his shoulder. He glanced over whilst his hand dropped.

"What?!" he snapped.

When he saw whom it was, his throat went dry. He couldn't tell if it was because of the fact that Shepard was standing so close to him - no intention of backing away where he stood - or the headache, which made it seem like his cheeks had caught fire. At least he now knew why he acted like a bumbling, flustered idiot around Shepard. It was obvious now. It became obvious after Sovereign's defeat.

Shepard didn't seem repulsed by his unprofessional reaction. He simply cupped Kaidan's hand in his that was clutching the gun for dear life and gently took it away from him.

"Try this," he said, casually flipping the magazine the correct way.

After the gun was loaded, he handed it over again. Kaidan could swear that a small smile struggled not to reveal itself at the corners of Shepard's lips when his eyes wandered down to his CO's mouth. He did it automatically as if expecting a reaction.

When he traced his face back up, he noticed how tired he looked, weak circles around his eyes beginning to form.

Kaidan exhaled. "Sorry, Shepard."

Shepard slowly nodded as his gaze fleeted, while Kaidan shut his eyes in hope the pain would mend. He knew his body language was being carefully studied, but when he felt a gloved hand nearly caress his cheek, he moved his attention back to see Shepard wearing the same expressionless look he knew all too well. Stoic and guarded. Closed.

"C'mon," Shepard said. "At least let me do this."

It seemed like Shepard had already forgiven him after their spat in the cargo bay, so now it was his turn, but it wasn't that clear-cut. At the same time, he couldn't bring himself to say 'no.' Whoever this man was, he wore the face of Commander John Shepard, First Human Spectre. The very man that destroyed the collectors, saved the Citadel and the entire galaxy. The very man that put every single life before his own. The very man that he no longer could stop thinking about. He wasn't about to protest to the statement.

It was true. Kaidan didn't trust him. He had no idea if he ever could again.

...and it was killing him.

"This would be a lot easier if you looked at me, major. Worried I'll might shoot laser beams out of my eyes or something?"

Kaidan couldn't help but snort. "You know, if you've spent the last months at BAaT, I wouldn't be surprised," he replied, turning to face him as a thumb gingerly moved against his temple. "After all, you either come out Superman, or a wreck."

The subtle smile was back. Hell... it was Shepard's smile.

"Superman, huh? I'll take it."

Kaidan focused his eyes somewhere else before the temptation to ignore the Cerberus part proved too strong to resist. He could still feel himself drawn to Shepard. To be honest, he felt more drawn to Shepard than ever. It was obvious that he emitted heat - so unless he had a radiator installed in there - he wasn't entirely synthetic.

This bond between them had made him realize that what he felt for him went beyond friendship. He had no idea how Shepard interpreted their chemistry. Had no idea if he ever considered an 'us.' Kaidan had unconsciously added to the distance between them because of it.

The headache was gone.

He could feel the heat between them falter when Shepard pulled away. In one way, he wanted to pull him back, embrace him, do _something_ at least. On the other hand, he knew that it would never be the same between them again.

When the cargo door opened, Shepard snatched his assault rifle with determination and headed out.

"Were you and Loco, uh... You know?" The only reply Vega received was a mixed expression of pure confusion and exasperation. He took the hint. "Yeah, just... never mind."

They followed Shepard to the port leading inside one of the buildings and moved in after they had taken care of a few Cerberus soldiers. Shepard didn't seem to have any problems with pulling a trigger on them, and honestly, he didn't know whether to be relieved or worried. He seemed quick to betray his own as he had been with Cerberus in the past. Kaidan needed sign of familiarity. Something. As far as he could tell, Shepard was still the same since after Cerberus modified him, but battle-hardened.

It was, in a way, unnerving.

When someone like Cerberus have had the chance to modify someone to the core, having held Shepard at an operating table for 2 years, there was little reason for him to trust his reinstated CO. He had trusted Shepard with his life once - who was almost half synthetic now - before Cerberus got their hands on him. What was even more difficult to process is that if it wasn't for Cerberus, Shepard would be dead.

What was worse - losing a friend for good, or never being able to trust him again, after everything they had been through together?

He needed closure.


	12. Ch 12: Lost

**Chapter 12: Lost**

* * *

 _"Don't 'K' me - this is business!" - Kaidan Alenko_

In which Kaidan gets critically wounded.

* * *

"Shepard. I need a straight answer."

His former commanding officer snapped in place before turning to see him step through the port. He had been absorbed in thought before the sudden commotion. Shepard's muscles slacked after his unexpected reaction.

Sighing, Shepard took after his head. "K..."

"Don't 'K' me! This is business," he said, taking a step forward with an accusatory finger. He refused allowing Shepard to soften him up like that. "Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?" It sounds far more severe than he had thought it would.

It wasn't just Shepard who worked with Cerberus, either, but Kaidan accused only him. For the ones that had been standing by his side throughout all of this - like Joker, Chakwas, Garrus and Tali - he was still Shepard. Kaidan hoped that there was still a sliver of humanity left. Ironic. Cerberus was all about humanity, but at a greater cost than necessary. Kaidan knew he should've supported him when he needed familiarity the most. Instead, he walked out on him because he didn't know what to do with his mixed emotions that were coming all at once.

Shock. _Relief._ Betrayal. _Hope._ Grief. _Longing._

Kaidan ignored the italics.

Seeing someone he cared for, whom he thought was dead for the past two years, he had no idea how to react. Especially when he had been right there with Shepard before the first _Normandy_ went down. It was eating away at him knowing that maybe, just maybe, he could've done something to prevent his death in the first place.

"What makes you think _*I*_ know what they're up to?"

Shepard's face remained hidden below the helmet, but his voice was sharp as a factory-new knife. Seeing the space below his eyebrows having greatly reduced distance was proof enough of his unyielding annoyance.

"You worked for them, for god's sake." Kaidan leant in towards a banister, as if afraid of falling. "How am I not supposed to think that?"

Cerberus had most likely implanted a control chip or something that would activate eventually with nothing more than a _"Surprise!"_ while a gun pointed at his forehead. He wanted _Shepard,_ not a half-synthetic and half-organic being that acted, looked and even sounded just like him. It was insulting, some kind of sick joke, and he wasn't buying it.

Shepard could be a double agent and he would never be sure.

Either that or he simply blamed him for not seeing him in two years. But that wasn't Shepard's fault. Shepard had died and everything he could think of was the fact that he didn't prioritize how _he_ felt when he - his friends - heard the news of his death.

It was pretty damn selfish considering everything Shepard had been through.

 _#_

 _Kaidan was Shepard's second-in-command, so he took charge when he was absent. He monitored the survivors that had safely arrived. Garrus, Tali, Liara and Wrex had managed to get out, as well as Chakwas and Adams. A few in the lower deck weren't as fortunate._

 _He watched Joker pull himself out of a shuttle that had reached concrete soil._

 _"Glad to see you made it back, Joker," Kaidan said, and moved his attention to Chakwas. "Chakwas, see if anyone are wounded and tend to them. Shuttle 3 carried medi-gel and brought a few tools." She nodded and his eyes wandered to the chief engineer. "Adams, that shuttle was damaged when it descended." He tilted his head in the direction of the sixth shuttle. "Door's stuck. See if you can find the malfunction and get it open."_

 _Adams obeyed while Joker still said nothing._

 _"One of the shuttles hit some of the parting ship's concrete before approaching the LZ," Kaidan continued in a low voice. "The fourth pod hasn't arrived yet, so we don't know if they made it or not. So far we've got twenty casualties unless the damage of the wounded is getting worse."_

 _Kaidan moved his attention back to Joker to see his apologetic look._ _For a moment, they just looked at each other while he simply awaited a response. He saw that Joker swallowed hard, his Adam's apple ascended and descended slightly, hand clutched his side._

 _"Twenty-one casualties."_

 _Puzzled, Kaidan frowned. That was until he glanced towards the shuttle that Joker arrived in. No one followed. He couldn't take his eyes off it._

 _He refused to believe that Shepard was..._

 _*No. He can't be.* He went in denial. *No way.*_

 _He immediately_ _felt lightheaded when the thought crossed his mind, nauseous, amazed his feet didn't give after below him. Kaidan found himself nearly shaking when his hands clung to the weapon he held in his hands for dear life._

 _If he was there... could he have done something?_

 _He remembered the night before Ilos when the two of them let go of all of their worries. Repressed the events that awaited them after nightfall. His abdomen twisted at the thought. Kaidan knew Shepard was human, but he had never expected to hear this._

 _John Shepard was gone._

 _Kaidan swallowed hard. "I'll, ah..." he tried, and inhaled raggedly. "I'll inform the others. I'm sure there was... there was nothing anyone could do to prevent it." Joker didn't reply, and just slowly nodded with fleeting eyes. Kaidan saw him clutch a wound below his chest. "Looks like you, ah... looks like you took a beating back there. Chakwas can patch you up."_ _He then flashed a small, soft but forced smile, gave him a nod and went back to his round._

 _Several different reactions came from the crew when he told them._

 _Tali's face was buried in Garrus' chest, while Garrus and Wrex simply just stood there, jaws locked tight. Liara choked up and stuttered that she needed to take care of something. Of course, they all knew she was lying. They could tell tears were clouding her eyes. He could understand if she just wanted to get away from that place. Be alone. Reflect on the news that was shared among them. Kaidan didn't allow himself to react, just like Shepard did when he was in charge._

 _He needed a clear head._

 _Part of him wanted to slump his back to the nearest concrete and block everything out, but no. He had a responsibility. Those people relied on him. They needed him to take charge and take the wheel. He couldn't allow this to cloud his judgment._

 _But it was difficult not to._

#

If Shepard hadn't been so damn stubborn back on the _SR-1,_ telling him to go evacuate the remaining crew - reassuring him with clear confidence that he would be able to take care of Joker by himself - he might've been able to help.

"We joined forces to take down the collectors," Shepard said. "That's it."

"There's more to it. They rebuilt you from the ground up. They gave you a ship, resources..."

"Let me be clear." Shepard placed himself besides him and propped an arm to the banister. "I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the collector base - and I have no idea why they're here now, _or_ what they want."

"Commander Shepard has been in constant surveillance since coming back to Earth," Vega said. "No way they've communicated since."

After everything they had been through together, he still doubted him.

Kaidan bowed a heavy head. "Sorry, Shepard," he muttered, pulling himself gently away from the banister. "I -it's just that..."

 _/"Thinking you were gone... it was like losing a limb."/_

A trail of steam above interrupted him when the port shut close behind them. They all pulled off their helmets that prove safe now when the air pressure was normal.

"I shouldn't have to explain myself to you, Kaidan."

He seemed more hurt than angry when he turned to the elevator as it started descending. Kaidan ran his fingers through his jet-black hair as he breathed out. He was convinced that this was just a synthetic replacement. It had to be. So why the hell did he still feel like a giddy schoolgirl who just bumped into her crush in the hallway?

He caught Shepard glancing at him over his shoulder.

"Please... trust me."

"I do," he lied to himself. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean -"

A loud noise in the air duct punctured him mid-sentence to have them draw their firearms and haul behind cover. Shepard gave them a hand signal to stay put. After hearing several loud thumping noises, followed by gunshots, they spotted a familiar asari exit the duct in pursuit of two Cerberus soldiers. She used _Singularity_ to collect them up in the air and finished them off with great control by four final execution shots. Shepard smiled slightly as he moved from cover and was about to approach her.

Vega pulled his rifle, but Shepard quickly lowered his weapon.

"Easy there, lieutenant. She's with us."

"Shepard!" She turned around to meet them, looking like she was tempted to force him into a hug by the way her eyes sparkled in the dim light around them. "Thank the goddess you're alive!"

Shepard's smile turned affectionate. "Liara."

* * *

After running into another Cerberus squad, Shepard ordered Vega to get back to the shuttle so they had a quick exit. It didn't take long before they found a control room that would bring them to the pedway. Liara plopped down in the chair and activated the computer to see if she could find a way across while Shepard scouted the area for more Cerberus soldiers to have the upper hand.

"Did you see that?" came Kaidan's voice, and Shepard turned to see him looking at a screen. "Who's that woman on the vid?"

"That's Dr. Eva Core. She got here about a week ago," Liara said, and they later discovered a vid where Dr. Eva shot a security officer. The display shocked Liara as she was caught off-guard. That was how Cerberus got in. She expressed her guilt for not seeing Eva's corruption sooner, but Shepard reassured her that she had no way to know.

Pushing away from the console, Liara said, "I don't know how you do it. You always stay focused in the worst situations."

"When there's so much at stake..." His gaze had obliviously but discreet moved Kaidan's way, covering the doorway with his back turned against him. "I just think about what I'd lose if I fail."

It wasn't discreet enough for Liara not to take notice.

Kaidan was out of earshot, but when he caught his eye, it was enough to understand that he knew they had been talking about him. Even after all the distrust for him that he displayed, that didn't change the fact that Shepard still held a torch for him. He always would. Ever since he saw his picture in the files, he knew that Kaidan would be the death of him. The distance he put between them was suffocating. It simply wasn't meant to be. Shepard found himself swallowing hard.

Quickly averting his gaze, he balled a hand into a fist.

"That's a terrible burden," Liara said softly, a look of compassion churning her features.

Cerberus had however taken over the facility, leaving them to come up with an idea of getting to the archives. Cerberus would of course not just send a tram to come pick them up, either, so they had to be smart. Kaidan went to look for a transmitter so they could convince them that they were on their side. Shepard had followed him with his eyes when he walked away, but when he turned back, he was given a coy smile.

Liara had noticed that he had been staring and suggestively stated that Kaidan had become, "very capable."

Kaidan had always been capable, but he was more careful back in the days. More modest. He wasn't exactly shy, but he didn't speak up as often, rather staying on the sidelines unless he was completely against something. He seemed a lot more confident and took more charge.

It was... kind of hot.

"Agreed," he replied, as a load of inappropriate images of Kaidan 'giving him orders' had him trailing off. After all, he was a higher-ranking officer than him now these days. He was however pretty damn sure that Kaidan was straight, being a shame, because Shepard would more than willing indulge in Kaidan's insecurities if he so desired it.

His desire to have him pinned down beneath him, stripped and vulnerable, was simply another way of torturing himself.

"Commander! I've found something." He snapped back at the sound of Kaidan's voice and noticed how his pants felt far tighter, and if he wasn't Commander Shepard, he would've been embarrassed to be caught off-guard like that.

Liara revealed a soft - and almost pained - smile as if she was aware of something they were not.

* * *

Kaidan was crouched down next to a dead Cerberus soldier.

"He's got a transmitter in his helmet. If I can -" He pulled up the helmet's screen, revealing something about Cerberus. "My god... he looks like a husk."

He rose up and let Shepard approach to see if he had some intel on what they saw before them. Shepard had been with Cerberus for a few months and knew more than Kaidan ever would about the organization. They had witnessed what the reapers had done to the colonists on Eden Prime after impaling them on those metallic spikes they called dragon's teeth, turning them into husks, but that was the reapers' doing.

Not Cerberus.

"Yeah, not quite," he replied, and crouched down. "But they've definitely done _something_ to him."

Shepard tilted the soldier's head up to see traces of tech in his skin. He didn't seem to know anything about it as he gently pried the transmitter loose, and pushed up from the floor.

"By 'they' you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy?" Kaidan studied the husk. "Is this what they did to _you?"_

 _Modified and decomposed his body into a dead husk that slowly starts rotting? Well done. First Eden Prime, sounding like you insulted him for not being a biotic, now this._

Shepard scowled. "How can you compare me to _him?"_

"Shepard, I don't know what you are? Or who... not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know, you could be their puppet." He glanced at him above his shoulder "...controlled by the Illusive Man himself."

"That's not fair, Kaidan."

Kaidan was wrong about him being a traitor to the Alliance but he couldn't bring himself to say so. Shepard obviously didn't work with them anymore. He was right. It wasn't fair. He felt downright empty when he was gone as if a part of him died with him. He felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner, but there it was - John Shepard was more to him than a friend. He was holding onto the sliver of hope that he shared the same implication towards him.

He however also held onto the mistrust, seeming somewhat petty now, to counteract those feelings.

"Don't try to explain it. I don't think I'd understand anyway," Kaidan sighed, and wiped the slight sweat from his brows. "I just want to know, is the person I followed to hell and back..." _Hell, the person that I *loved*_ "...still in there?"

Kaidan's eyes finally met the red hue. "Somewhere?"

"They didn't change me, Kaidan," he replied, his voice softer. "The Illusive Man made it quite clear that he needed to keep me the exact way I was. He didn't want to take any chances. But words won't convince you, will they?"

"Probably not."

"I didn't think so," he said, and nudged Kaidan's shoulder with his on the way to a banister. The gesture was enough for heat to traverse through his body. "Hell, you were always stubborn."

Kaidan snorted. _"Me?"_

Following Shepard's movement with his eyes when he passed him, he stopped him halfway by planting a hand at his abdomen to push him back. Shepard's eyes went skyward, a subtle smile still playing on his full lips.

"You're the one that came back from the dead," Kaidan added, smiling. _"Twice."_

Shepard's glance fell to the hand that had pushed him back but not moved.

"Let's just say I have a lot to live for."

Looking up again, red once again met brown. His chest fluttered as they just stared at each other for a time that felt like an eternity. Shepard's smile softened in a way that he could swear there was more to it. His flattened hand formed into a fist as knuckles bore into the steel plate. He found himself swallowing hard, his heart beginning to beat more rapidly. The air felt suffocatingly thick. Before he could realize, Shepard had pulled away and moved to the banister before them. Kaidan silently released the breath he had apparently held as his eyes fluttered shut. He was in deep, all right.

"Come on," Shepard said, gesturing him over. "Let's see what Cerberus is up to. Maybe we'll both get some answers."

After using the short-range communicator to convince the Cerberus soldiers that they were on their side, they had the upper hand, and gained free clearance to take the tram. It didn't take long before they reached the archives in hope that it would be a clear shot from there. That was however not what happened. A feeling of dread had seeped through his body. He didn't know why.

Everything that could go wrong then went wrong.

Dr. Eva was still in the damn facility, and on Cerberus' orders, Kaidan found her erasing the data on the blueprint. She took to running, them close on her heel, until she reached a Cerberus vehicle. She was escaping. That was at least what they thought until Vega purposefully crashed their shuttle into Cerberus' and prevented her. The shuttle decimated and collapsed into the ground as it exploded with Eva aboard. Kaidan helped Liara onto on her feet who was wounded during the chase and threw her arm around his neck for support. The _Normandy_ was én route.

* * *

James was in for one hell of a lecture when Shepard firmly stepped towards him to explain the error of his ways.

"What the hell were you thinking pulling a kamikaze stunt like that, lieutenant?" Shepard snapped, and James turned to him with a somewhat startled expression. "Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

Vega's expression hardened "Whoa, hey, hey Commander. Relax, man. I just saved your asses! Hell, I took care of it. That broad would've gotten away if I just sat back. What was I supposed to do, huh -?"

"It's not worth risking your life over!" Shepard said, pointing a finger at him. "Any other ridiculous ideas that I should be aware of?"

"C'mon, man -"

The sound of several firing gunshots punctured Vega mid-sentence, snapping their attention in the direction it came from as they drew their firearms. Shepard spun from the crashed shuttle and met the sight of heated fire, melting the colors away from Eva's believed-to-be skin. She was a damn robot. Before he was able to aid Kaidan in gunning her down, Eva started running towards the major in a sickening speed, seeming like the bullets did such a minor damage that it was useless.

Shepard's heartbeat raced ten times faster in an instant the moment Eva pulled Kaidan up into the air like a feather.

"Kaidan!"

In the very moment he was about to pull the trigger on her, she moved Kaidan between them, using him as a human shield. Hesitating, Shepard refused to take the shot. Kaidan was helplessly trying to pry her hands away but there was no use. Her robotic engineering was far too superior. Shepard refused to activate the gun's mechanism because he knew he could hit Kaidan in the crossfire. One wrong movement or wrongly placed strategy and Kaidan would be the one with the bullet in his head.

He could do nothing but try to get a better angle, wait for the robot to make a mistake.

"Let him go!" Shepard demanded.

The robot, seeming more curious than anything, studied Kaidan for a moment as if she wasn't sure of what she was going to do with him. He watched her as she moved two fingers to her earpiece.

"Orders?" she asked.

Shortly after, Eva turned Kaidan's back against the crashed shuttle.

"NO!"

He watched in horror as she pounded his body not once, but twice, into the vehicle with all her strength. Shepard's heart got stuck in his throat, feeling the every hit as if he was the one taking the blows. Kaidan motionlessly dropped to the ground, and she turned to Shepard, murder in her robotic eyes. He planted a bullet right into the area of her 'heart' when she ran towards him and she dropped. Shepard's breathing was heavier, uneven, looking at the robot before him in both shock and awe. She didn't move. His eyes angled up to settle at Kaidan's unconscious figure.

"No..." he whispered, shoving the firearm back into its sheath.

"Grab that thing! Bring it with us," he ordered James, shooting an arm towards the robot as he ran. He dropped to his knee before Kaidan's unmoving body, clasping his shoulders and shaking him. "Kaidan! Kaidan..." Moving a hand to the side of his neck, he gently turned his head towards him. There was no response to his touch. Barely even a pulse. Shepard clenched his jaw. "C'mon, K... don't do this to me..."

 _"Shepard, we've got Reaper signatures in orbit!"_

His eyes shot up to see the _Normandy_ descending. Meeting no resistance, Shepard wrapped his arms firmly around him and threw him over his shoulder. He had to get him out of there. Get him to a hospital. He didn't waste a single moment to carry Kaidan into the ship. He gently placed him at a gurney in the med bay as Vega dropped the robot with a big thud on another. For the first time in forever, he had no idea what to do, lost looking at Kaidan lying unconscious before him.

He had never felt more helpless, powerless, than he did in that very moment. Shepard heard Liara's voice, but her words were blurred. Everything went in slow-motion. His whole reality was breaking apart. Barely even tilting his head up to acknowledge her presence, he refused to look at her as his lips drew into a thin line. He was broken from his trance when she took his face between her hands and forced him to meet her eyes.

Her glare pinned him. "We have to leave the Sol system."

"I _know."_

"The Citadel is our best bet," she said softly, and pushed herself away. "We can get help there."

"Get us to the Citadel, Joker," he snapped, before turning back to him. "Hold on, K..." He squeezed his shoulder for comfort and gently caressed it with his thumb. His eyes wandered to the robot.

"Scowling, he said, "See what you and EDI can learn from that... _thing."_


	13. Ch 13: Red Tape

**Chapter 13: Red Tape**

* * *

 _"Who the fuck is Kaidan?" - Jack_

In which Kaidan gets smacked with a clipboard for being stubborn.

* * *

Kaidan couldn't tell if he was dead or dreaming.

He was unable to open his eyes. Tried to, but to no avail. His eyelids were shut but he could tell there was lighting in the room. Strong lighting. He knew he was lying down and it wasn't especially comfortable. Better than the Alliance beds, however. Come to think of it, everything was better than the Alliance beds.

He heard beeping. Slow, steady beats. The smell of syringes hit his nostrils. Was he in a hospital? The last thing he remembered was heated fire... red. Blood, maybe? Red soil. Earth? No, Mars. He remembered Shepard. Shepard was there.

He remembered Vega. Liara. She was there, too. Biotics failing, metal, a robot. He remembered sickening speed as she moved towards him, picked up after the helmet as if he was a damn space hamster. He had spaced out before the robot had stopped functioning. For all he knew, they were all lying in the hospital as well as he, and Eva had gotten away with the data. Hell, maybe they were...

 _No,_ he cut himself off, refusing to believe it. _No, they're still alive._

Both Shepard and Vega were excellent soldiers. Liara was probably too wounded to assist. If his own damn biotics hadn't acted up at the most inappropriate of times, he could've brought Eva down. Hell, how many bullets did he place in her?

 _Four,_ he thought. _Four, in the heart._

He had grazed her a couple times in the chase. Altogether, it had to be at least six bullets. At least. The others plunged in a few, too. He had never seen a robot being that superior in both strength, flexibility and... lifespan? He hated being like this. Unable to do anything. It gave him too much time to think. Too much time to reflect on all the bullshit in the world and all the mistakes he had made.

Regrets, though. He only had a few.

What happened at BAaT, snapping at Shepard after Ash's death, the way he treated Shepard back on Horizon, the way he accused Shepard for being a Cerberus puppet... Thinking of it, he mostly regretted what he'd done to Shepard. How unfairly he'd treated him. That was killing him. Hell, if he was now lying on his own deathbed, he would never be able to tell him how he was right. About everything.

 _"Hey, Kaidan."_

Kaidan tried to focus on the voice. It nearly sounded like an echo. Disembodied. Still, he could recognize that voice anywhere. Low. Calm. He sounded tired. Shepard was all right. Thank god he was safe.

He could tell he was close as he felt heat radiate close to his hand that was propped to the side of the gurney.

 _"Oh god, it's hard seeing you like this."_ Shepard spoke in such a soft tone that he'd never before heard. _"Don't know if you can hear me... but since you can't tell me to 'get the hell out' either, I'm going to take my chances."_

His own hand barely twitched, trying to wake up from unconsciousness, or whatever the hell he was in. Coma? His hand lightly brushed against Shepard's, and he could hear the heart-monitor acting up, beeping slightly faster at the unexpected touch. Thank god he was unconscious or he would be red like the triangle of the N7 symbol. He cringed at the thought and knew that Shepard would never live it down. He expected a witty comeback, but instead, he could feel a thumb brushing against his knuckles.

Shepard's hand was cradling his.

He could then hear gentle tapping. Probably a data pad. The doctor, perhaps.

 _"Don't die, Kaidan. You've got to fight. We need you in this. Seeing you in action again... it reminded me you're a hell of a soldier. The Alliance could sure use you... *I* could use you."_

He wanted to respond, but it was like his body was suffering from sleep paralysis. The heat faltered. Shepard had moved his hand away.

 _"Need anything, doc... Let me know. C'mon, Kaidan. *Fight...* and that's an order."_

Then he left. He must have. Everything he could now hear was the beeping of the heart-monitor by his side. It was dead silence away from that. His mind then started sleeping as well. Dead silence. He spaced out again.

* * *

Shepard jerked awake in a sudden motion. He couldn't remember falling asleep in his cabin. Brows knit in a frown, and he hauled himself up from the bed into a sitting position. Hunching over, his feet fell to the floorboards, and he let his face drop to his hand.

The nightmares.

That kid back on Earth, haunting his dreams, wanting him to follow him as he ran only to end up burning in a wave of fire before his very eyes. He had never expected that the death of that kid would affect him as much as it did. Screams, destruction, the shrieks of the reapers. He heard disembodied voices of people that were no longer with them.

 _/"Screw that, we can handle ourselves! Go back and get Kaidan!"/_

Then the guilt struck him. It always did when he thought of Ashley Williams. He was well-aware that his choice between her and Kaidan wasn't made merely strategically speaking. He had admitted to himself that he was being selfish. He cared about Ashley, a lot, but he could never leave Kaidan behind. The thought itself of seeing his empty seat made his abdomen churn. Kaidan, just like Ash, would happily give his life for a greater cause.

Shepard just didn't let him.

Experiencing a _Normandy_ without him aboard only came to fruition after the first one went down. It was difficult at first. He remembered Jack approaching him after coming back from Horizon.

#

 _"Who the fuck is Kaidan?"_

 _Shepard nearly startled at the sound of Jack's voice._

 _*When the hell did she enter my cabin?*_

 _The alcohol in his system had made him drowsy with slow reaction speed._

 _He slowly spun his chair around and found her leaned up against the wall supporting his model ships with arms folded across her chest. She was scowling at the gracious display of empty alcoholic beverages and glass fragments all around the room. If not everything was pinned to the floor, furniture would've been knocked over, too. He looked away again, moved a bottle back up to his mouth._

 _"Just a former crewmember of the *SR-1*."_

 _"It isn't categorized as 'just' when you want to fuck his brains out."_

 _Shepard's eyes went wide as he nearly choked on the whiskey, forced into a fit of coughing. Jack grinned wolfishly at his reaction. He cleared his throat after he collected himself._

 _"Uh-huh." He flipped the bottle upside down and a single drop left its neck "...and you can, what, tell just by being around me?"_

 _He threw the empty bottle across the room and left even more fragments in its wake._

 _"I can tell because I've never caught you staring at the cheerleader's tits," she snapped. "It makes it pretty fucking obvious, boy-scout. You've been a drunk ass ever since you came back from Horizon."_

 _"Why do you ask?"_ _His slurred reply countered her statement. With a frown, he reached after a Serrice Ice Brandy bottle on the nightstand and almost managed to tumble over at the tiny movement._

 _"Because I'm curious, you dick." Frustration crinkled her eyes at the swaying, bumbling figure before her. "No one can shut the fuck up about it."_

 _Shepard grinned and sat down. "Bullshit. You're worried about me."_

 _Jack looked like she was about to throw him biotically across the room the way she flared up like a thousand suns. He knew he pushed his luck, although he also knew that Jack would never hurt him. Badly, at least. She had already thrown in a few punches earlier. Both biotic and manual. Hell, she had thrown him around, too. He could take a few punches and throws, though, knowing he deserved it._

 _Body language tense, fists clenched, she approached him with heavy steps._

 _"Whoa, hey -hey! Not the face!" he called, and shot an arm up to cover it as he jerked back. His body crumpled together as if he tried to make himself as small as possible._

 _Jack hovered over him with malice. "Eat shit and die."_

 _Knowing that Jack wasn't going to do anything, Shepard slowly straightened up again, and let his arms drop to his knees. He was about to move the bottle up to his mouth again until a biotic pulse knocked it out of his hand. Jack's biotics danced and gleamed dangerously around her before dissolving into nothing again. Shepard looked at his hand now drenched in tepid liquid and blinked owlishly but with weary eyelids._

 _He glanced at the damaged bottle halfway across the room, bluish substance poured out all over the floor._

 _"You know... That cost like, 1.000 credits."_

 _"You cost over 4 billion, fucker. Take your pick."_

 _Shepard shook the moisture off his hand. "That was the Illusive Fucker's credits. If you haven't noticed, I have to *earn* my way around here. Forgive me if I don't want to spend the rest of my life traversing from planet to planet and mining after Element Zero," he said, and dried the brandy off on his lap. "Remind me why you're here again?"_

 _"You were the one that signed me up."_

 _"I followed a dossier."_

 _"Same shit. You made the choice of keeping me." She took a moment to study him with a scowl. "You're pathetic, Shep, so you better fucking do something about your sorry ass condition. For once, take your own good-for-nothing advice."_

 _"If you haven't noticed, Kaidan isn't exactly an asari prostitute - sorry, 'consort'," he said, with air quotes "...and I ain't a jealous turian general. If a turian has the guts to ask Sha'ira to 'go steady,' that son-of-a bitch can do anything_ _... and how the hell do I have a chance with a fucking perfect, brown honey-eyed example of biotic perfection with a great ass, who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up about this girl named 'Rahna,' but is too stuck up on 'Cerberus' that he doesn't give a shit that I *need* him through all this bullshit? Not to mention that I'm pretty damned sure that he's straight and the fact that I fucking forgave him after all the shit he's put me through just because of a fucking message implying that maybe - just maybe - he cares about me as well!"_

 _Jack growled as she took a step back, turned her back to him as her biotics flared up again, taking after her head. Shepard's expression fell considerably at her reaction._

 _"You're Commander fucking Shepard, you're not supposed to break like that," she murmured. "Not over some... some stupid crush!"_

 _"Jack -" he tried._

 _Looking ready to pull off a biotic punch, she spun around. "He isn't worth killing yourself over, you pussy!"_

 _"Jack!" He slid an arm around her shoulder and pulled her to himself._

 _Her muscles were tense. His other arm wrapped protectively around her waist, held her close, tightened his grip when she tried to pull away and softly cursed under her breath. Her biotics stopped flaring. He finally felt her relax into his embrace. Eyes still open, she buried her face in the grope between his neck and shoulder. A hand moved to the small of his back, clutching the fabric of his civvies._

 _"I'm fine," he said. "I'm just really... really drunk at the moment. But I'm fine."_

 _To Shepard, Jack was just like the little sister he never had. He had the strong, brotherly urge to protect her. Jack knew how to handle herself in combat, but even so, she let her emotions speak for her. Of course, she didn't dare admitting that. She let him get close, something she always pushed aside, and he was flattered. She was the one he had warmed up to the most after he started working with Cerberus._

 _"...and you owe me 1.000 credits -"_

 _He choked on his words thanks to a gasp and took after his abdomen that she had launched a fist at._

 _A loud, annoyed grunt escaped her mouth the moment she pushed him forcefully away with all her strength, almost sent him tumbling backwards. She turned a heavy heel towards the door, her foot exposed to a bottle before she kicked it away and into the wall - which released a fit of shattering glass - and stormed out._

 _"Take those fucking credits and shove them up your ass, boy-scout!" he heard her call from the doorway. "Fucker!"_

 _Shepard stood fast, folding his arms across his chest. Jack flashed him the middle finger before the elevator doors shut after her. He didn't mind knowing that she would never pay him back. Shepard decided to stop drinking for a while._

 _She was definitely worried about him._

#

Shepard heard a *whoosh* by the door and escaped from his thoughts.

He let out a small, weary groan before moving his hands to the bedside. Shepard felt stiff all over the place so he had apparently slept in the entirely wrong position. He imagined his body being all deformed when lying there and could see the tabloids if any screens leaked. 'The First Human Spectre On Duty.' Very gracious. He shrugged it off. Shepard rolled his neck, eyes barely able to stay open as he approached the door.

He blinked the sleep away. "Liara... can I help you?"

"I've been forwarding the turian councilor information on the prothean device," she said, her eyes sparkling of ambition. "It can't be built without Council support, but he's not budging until their primarch is safe."

Shepard walked up to the banister to their side, hand meeting the metal before him before he ducked a heavy head.

He let out another small groan as a headache was bound to approach the way his head was hammering. He had been reacquainted with those bottles after returning from Mars, and as if it was as easy as breathing, he fell right back into it.

"I know," he muttered.

"Are you all right?"

There was concern in her voice. To be honest, he didn't want to worry her, but she had asked for it. No, he wasn't all right. Not in the slightest. Shepard slowly pushed himself away from the banister.

"I... didn't get what you'd call a good night's rest."

"There's more to it than that, isn't there? What's really bothering you?"

"The reapers are here, now, and the Council - the other races - are only interested in looking after themselves. How many civilians are dying while they wait for us to make the first move? ...and hell, Kaidan almost died on Mars. People around me has a tendency to get hurt. Or worse."

"At least the Council can't deny the reapers exist. They'll come around. They've got to," she replied, and fell into a pause. "Kaidan's a soldier. He knows the risks, as do you. And he's a fighter. He'll pull through." She began fidgeting with her hands and Shepard could tell that something else was bothering her. "Kaidan saved my life back on Mars."

He didn't know that.

"The first thing he did when Dr. Eva Core ascended from the flames was push me aside to make sure she targeted him instead," she added. "I am forever in his debt. I know I will have the chance to thank him soon."

"I hope you're right."

"Don't blame yourself, Commander," she replied. Shepard opened his mouth, but Liara knew what he was about to say and flashed him an appreciative smile "...and I am fine. Leaving Earth was necessary... and what happen to Kaidan was not your fault. None of this is on you. You have done more than most and we are all grateful. No one else could have accomplished what you have."

"Thanks, Liara."

* * *

Kaidan had regained consciousness back on Huerta Memorial.

He was more than ready to get the hell out of that place. The doctors had assured him that he would be released soon, but they kept him back, just to be sure. He felt like a prisoner. It was only the red tape that kept him back as they nearly worked as handcuffs. Dr. Chloe Michel knew the _Normandy_ crew better than any of the other doctors, considering that Chakwas had gone back to serve at the _SR-2,_ after Shepard offered her to be reassigned to the position as the ship's doctor, so she made a choice.

In other words, Michel knew Kaidan enough to know that he wasn't someone to sit idly by, so she personally requested the tape as if he was a convict of some sort. Saving her from being blackmailed three years back and this is what they got?

She wasn't his assigned doctor, though. It was another lady. She was sweet. Easy to like. Her interest in him being an L2 didn't come as a surprise to him as a lot of people were. Kaidan was well-aware that he could upgrade the implant if he chose to. He also knew that one slip could cause severe brain damage. The only downside was the migraines. If he had suffered worse effects, he would most likely have taken the chance to upgrade a long time ago. He was willing to suffer through a few migraines as long as he could keep his memories. There was a lot of things that he would prefer to forget, but there was a lot of things he would want to remember, too.

He shifted. "C'mon, doc. I had head trauma. I won't break by sending a few messages and get an update on the reaper situation. I'm not exactly writing with my mind."

"That might be, but you're my responsibility now, major." She wrote something down on the clipboard quaintly leaning up against her forearm. "I advise you not to strain yourself. It's not pretty out there."

"All the more reason why I should know about it..." Kaidan reached after the data pad on the table. "-Ow, hey!" Shaking his hand, he felt the prickling pain course through him as his hand had just been smacked away with a flat piece of wood. Hell, that was one way to treat a patient. He was just thankful he had no nerve damages there.

"Anything else you need, sir?"

"How about removing the red tape?"

"No."

Kaidan groaned, letting his head drop to the gurney.

"Okay, okay. Just... Hell, let me see if there's any word from my family." He turned back to the doctor, and could swear the expression on her face softened just a tad bit. "I need to know if they're safe."

Silence.

The doctor eventually exhaled, closing her eyes. He could tell she immediately regretted opening them again when he flashed his famous puppy-eyes. It didn't take long before she handed over the data pad.

He grinned in accomplishment. "Thanks, doc," he said, and she made an annoyed noise.

Glancing down at the pad, he soon discovered that he had one hell of a lot of messages to read through. To his concern, none of them were from his mom or dad. He was hoping they had made it out safely from Vancouver as they had headed out the day of the attack. His father had Alliance training, so he was hoping he had been able to keep them safe throughout all this. There was however one message in particular that caught his interest.

...

 _ **From:** Councilor Donnel Udina_

 ** _Subject:_** _Proposition_

.

 _'Major Alenko,'_

 _'I heard the medical reports are looking positive and that you're out of Huerta Memorial soon. I have a proposition for you to think through while awaiting your release. The reports of your mission on Mars makes it clear that your team did not only succeed in gaining the blueprints, but also uncovered Cerberus' involvement, which is valuable information to the Alliance and Council alike. If not for Dr. T'Soni, it would have proved to be more challenging to decipher the blueprint. You did not only show potential and proved yourself a great soldier, but you kept a clear head. We need more soldiers like you to represent the good of humanity.'_

 _'So what are your thoughts on becoming the Second Human Spectre?'_

 _'-Udina'_

...

His jaw must've dropped judging by the curious expression on the doctor's face.

A Spectre? Kaidan couldn't believe what he had just read. Him, who had only days ago been beaten into a pulp and was forced to remain in the hospital when the war raged on. He was without doubt flattered, but the whole thing was a lot to ingest. He never had any problems with following the regulations in the Alliance, but it did add to his freedom and he wouldn't say no to that. At the same time, he had no idea if he was going to accept or not. To be honest, he wanted Shepard's opinion.

"Major Alenko, are you all right?"

He snapped from his thoughts and met a confused look.

"Yeah, I'm... I'm fine. Don't worry, doc."

"I warned you not to strain yourself."

He gave her a sheepish smile. "I think I can handle a few messages..."

She rolled her eyes at him with a soft returning smile and left the room. Unless Kaidan had been dreaming of Shepard visiting him when still unconscious, which was highly possible, it was obvious that he would want an update on his condition. He felt like they needed to talk. Maybe there was still a chance to rekindle the friendship they had built over the years. They had been joking around on Mars, so that was something at least. It was now obvious to him that Shepard wasn't a Cerberus puppet. Not after all the resistance and distance he put between him and the Illusive Man. After three years, he was still _Shepard._

 _/"I might be part synthetic, but I'm not a damn machine, Kaidan. It's about time you realized that."/_

They definitely needed to talk.


	14. Ch 14: Shameless

**Chapter 14: Shameless**

* * *

 _"Are you flirting with me, Commander?" - Kaidan Alenko_

In which Shepard believes Kaidan's meds are kicking in.

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry for the delay - I've had a lot on my plate lately... This chapter has a lot of in-game events. Very little new content. It has extended dialogue, though. Next chapter will definitely have my own scenes (scenes that are not present in the game/scenes that I have made.)

* * *

"I'd like an answer, major. The galaxy has need of exceptional soldiers like you - now, more than ever."

"You'll have it soon, Councilor. I promise."

Udina had dropped by Huerta Memorial Hospital to see if he had made up his mind on becoming the Second Human Spectre. He was still unsure what to do as the bar was pretty damn high. It would be great to get Spectre clearances and access to information and gear, but even so, it was a lot of pressure. This was a decision he couldn't just jump into. Especially after the head trauma he suffered a few days ago.

"I look forward to it." Udina began moving towards the door, but immediately stopped in a halt when he nearly barged into the next person about to enter, giving the visitor a quick glance "...Shepard."

"Udina."

That was usually how krogans greeted each other.

Kaidan had contacted Shepard earlier. He had either looked wrong on the time or decided to arrive earlier than expected. Still, it was good to see him. He couldn't help but notice the slightly darker circles around his eyes. It didn't look like he have had had much sleep.

"Hey," Shepard said, approaching him when Udina left.

"Shepard, hey. You just missed snack time." Remembering how Shepard had a tendency to devour his food, he was lucky. The hospital food was worse than horrible. "Actually, that's probably a good thing. Thanks for coming."

"No problem."

He watched as Shepard pulled up a chair next to the gurney and slid into it. For a moment, he could swear his eyes wandered across his body. He was very lightly dressed as simply the lower part of his body was covered in a sheet. He could do nothing but pray he wasn't as red as he felt, hoping that his somewhat swollen face covered over it. It was a miracle that it was still intact. He was just glad he wasn't put into a hospital gown, because honestly, it looked utterly ridiculous.

Kaidan didn't exactly feel attractive where he was lying.

"You look like shit, major." The tease in Shepard's voice caught him off-guard, and Kaidan chortled. He let his head drop to the gurney, but tightly closed his eyes when feeling the slight prickling pain the way the muscles in his face tightened. Sucking in a breath through his teeth, he winced.

"Ow... okay... don't make me laugh. It hurts when I laugh."

"Sorry. Hey, what did Udina want?" Shepard shot a brief but suspicious glance towards the doorway to make sure he was out of earshot. "Still thinking about the Spectre position?" At least he was reading his messages.

It was a nice how Shepard had made the time to come see him after everything that had been, and is, going on. He felt somewhat guilty bringing him down here, but it didn't really matter to Shepard judging by the fact that he was sitting right there.

"It's a big honor," Kaidan said. "A huge responsibility. Just need to be sure."

"Hey, almost forgot... I got you this."

Kaidan cocked a brow when he watched him reach for the floor. Then Shepard pulled up a bottle of alcohol. Flattered at the gesture, he felt somewhat taken aback and offered him a careful but appreciative smile.

"Wow. Thanks, Shepard. That's really great."

"Just a little pick-me-up," he replied, and rested his hands on his lap after he handed it over. Kaidan's gaze drifted to the bottle before he studied the etiquette. TM88 Peruvian Whiskey. One of his favorites.

"Hell, you seem to know exactly what I like," he muttered softly, trying to figure out what that meant.

"I've had the time to pick up a few things throughout the years," he replied. "I have to admit, though... I wasn't entirely sure. I had a few... issues I had to deal with after the _SR-1_ went down. Glad I chose correctly."

"Issues?"

"Amnesia. I took a blow to the head before the oxygen tank splintered. One of the biggest challenges when Cerberus rebuilt me was keeping my memories intact." The horror must've shown on Kaidan's face. "Hey, I died, remember? Side effects. Can't exactly expect everything to be fine after such a thing. I'm good now, though."

He remembered all right. Even if he would rather not. It was an event he didn't want to revisit.

It seemed like Shepard was willing to fix whatever broken record that was between them. Try to, anyway. Everything about this both confused and scared the crap out of him. They had, more or less, known each other for about a year in total, fought together, spoken on a daily basis. Basically lived together if you counted the _Normandy_ as one spacefaring house. The galaxy was in balance and Shepard managed to relax throughout it all. Either that or he was really good at hiding it. Kaidan was convinced of the latter. Knowing Shepard, he was hiding what he truly felt about the situation. Back to the 'needing to keep his image.' He couldn't imagine that he was taking all of this lightly.

"Earth to Alenko?"

Kaidan snapped from his thoughts, and realized he had been staring at him for all this time. Embarrassing. He had expected him to pull a joke as he usually would do in a situation like that, something like, _"Is my voice sending you daydreaming, major?"_ but no.

"Just... thinking. Glad you're okay." Kaidan was aware that he most likely didn't want to delve into his reconstruction, so he lay off. "You know, maybe when I'm out, we can crack it open and celebrate. I'm so ready to get out of here, Shepard. You can't tell, but I'm tied to this bed by medical red tape. I mean doc... Doc says I'm good to go, but then she always finds 'just one more test' to run."

Shepard ignored the last part. "Red tape. Really?"

"Dr. Michel personally requested it to keep me here." Kaidan felt his cheeks flush when he reached for him, and captured his wrist. "H -hey c'mon, Shepard. Not _literal tape._ I'm only wearing briefs, here."

He blinked. "Oh."

An amused smile breached his lips at the somewhat sheepish look on Shepard's face.

"Just briefs? If you're trying to discourage me, you're not doing a very good job." Kaidan had to snort as his subtle remark, the flush in his cheeks yet apparent. "Seriously, though... you doing okay? You took one hell of a beating down there."

"My implant got a little... rattled, so Doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit. It's really no big deal."

"Need me to break you out?"

 _Yes... please._

"Heh... I'll let you know," he said, leaning back to the gurney. "The food hasn't killed me yet. Neither has the doctor... and I know better than to disobey her. Don't want to unleash her fury upon you. I'm good for now."

"I'm glad you asked me to come. It's good to see you're going to be okay."

"Thanks."

"You almost died on my watch. It was horrible to see," Shepard said, leaning forward with hands clasped on the bed's surface. "Hell, I know we haven't been on the best of terms with each other recently, but... I care about what happens to you."

For a moment, Kaidan just wanted to reach after them.

He couldn't quite place what this was between them. They had become close during a short period of time, but that was what happened when you worked together on such an impactful mission, stopping a rogue Spectre from throwing the reapers at them. Now they were battling the reapers themselves. Crazy things like that tended to get people together. Not just him and Shepard, but the whole _Normandy_ crew.

It didn't seem like merely friendship, but he knew he could be wrong, too.

"That means a lot," Kaidan said instead, not breaking the eye contact by an inch. "I want you to be straight with me then. So, I just want to make sure - after Mars, after Horizon. You and me, we're good?"

"We've been through hell together, had each other's backs. That kind of bond is hard to break."

"But no, not just that. You were my commander, sure. But you listened, too," he said, determined. "When I told you about when Rahna broke my heart, you didn't judge me. You knew I needed that. We went through Ash's death together..."

Shepard looked down, brows tightening, leg slowly rocking back and forth.

"Yeah... we did."

Few days went by without thinking about everything and everyone they had lost in this damn war. Ash, Pressly... not to mention all the casualties back on Earth, and they were bound to lose even more. Every waking moment was another struggle and the battle ahead was just the beginning. He felt guilty for surviving. How he was able to live another day and she wasn't. It was nobody's fault, he knew that, but it didn't make it any easier.

He had decided to keep those thoughts bottled up. The guilt. Truth is, it was destroying him from the inside. Sure, he could genuinely laugh, smile, joke around, but the thoughts rarely left him. Sometimes they did. The grieving process had started to fade.

"So, what do you say?" Kaidan asked, and sighed. "Are we good?"

Shepard tilted his chin up. "We're good. It was great to have you back on the _Normandy."_

"Thanks," he muttered, smiling softly. "I'm really glad you came by. Talking like this reminds me... how much I like you."

A somewhat careful smile appeared on Shepard's lips. It could be interpreted in two ways and that was the good thing about all this. Kaidan always left a way out and Shepard was aware of that.

Shrugging, Shepard asked, "Feel like we've cleared the air?"

"Yeah. You know, I'm not sure that I've been wrong about Cerberus, but... I've been wrong about you."

"Are we going to be able to get past what happened at Horizon?"

"I'd like to, Shepard. I'd like to move past the harsh words and be... friends," he said, looking away. "At least."

Strangest part is, he didn't regret saying it. Not even in the slightest. If anything was ever going to happen between them, he had to take a few chances. He had been blind to it all along what his inner intentions for Shepard was and kept asking himself what he had to lose. His pride. That was it. His pride was something he was willing to risk. Barely.

"So how do we fix it?"

Kaidan nearly startled at his simple reply, snapping his attention back to him.

"I... I'll admit, I own a lot of that. You were standing right in front of me, and I was... I shut you down. I'm sorry."

Shepard propped his hands to his lap and leant back.

"Okay."

He arched a brow at how easy Shepard took all of this. "Okay...?" he echoed, not sure how to react. "So, let's just put it behind us and get on with what's important right now."

"Bury it?"

"Bury it. Forgive it. I... I think that's how we get past Horizon."

The fact that he didn't watch Shepard's back when he ventured into the relay would still eat away at his mind. How he turned his back on him when he clearly wanted him there. How he, once again, could've lost him.

How Shepard kept the conversation going sure did amaze him. He always made their mission debriefs at the _SR-1_ break into casual conversation. Back then, Kaidan didn't know what he felt about it - how easily Shepard could make him talk about really personal stuff that he never shared with anyone - but now he was glad that he knew.

Shepard asked about his family, if they were safe and if he had heard from them. He also asked about his new rank of major. Kaidan had taken over a spec ops program that gave him the promotion. 'Biotics Division.' They recruited the most talented human biotics in the galaxy. He wanted to get back into the fight as quickly as possible - even after what happened at Mars - and felt slightly flattered by Shepard's hesitation to his decision.

Nevertheless, Kaidan made it clear that he had to do something about the reaper threat.

"You said your implant got rattled," Shepard then asked, seeming somewhat worried. "Everything good?"

Kaidan hesitated. "The medical gibberish was a bit more impressive but that's what I took away - rattled. Found a great doc at HQ that's fascinated by the L2 implant," he replied, as a sheepish smile curved his lips. "I'm kind of her... pet project." When Shepard subtly smirked at him, he couldn't help but feel somewhat suspicious. "What? Am I -am I missing a joke here?"

"Not really," he said, shrugging. "I ran into her, that's all. I had to undergo an oral survey to be allowed clearance to see you. Twenty questions." Kaidan couldn't help but snort. Sounded like her, all right. "I like her. She seemed sweet. Protective. Determined to keep you safe. She's one of those people I trust to get you back up on your feet."

Kaidan frowned. "Don't know about that. She smacked me with a clipboard earlier."

"I like her even more now."

"Mmh -Hey!" He faked a wounded smile, earning a chuckle from Shepard that made it all worth it. "The headaches are as bad as ever, but she's got me in a regimen of acupuncture, meds... and some nasty-tasting concoction. Won't tell me what it is. But my biotics... are stronger than ever. Maybe some things get better with age."

"Or maybe _you_ have."

He couldn't help but notice how that sounded far more genuine than their usual banter. Their shameless battlefield flirting. Pure. Maybe the aspect of an 'us' wasn't as impossible as he had thought. Kaidan's smile gradually turned softer.

"Are you flirting with me, Commander?" he asked, feeling bold. "Wait, wait! Don't tell me. Let me live in the illusion."

A slow smile spread on Shepard's lips. "Looks like your meds are finally starting to kick in," he teased, and reached over to press two fingers to his grey-shot temple as if to test it. "You're going to go crazy in here, major."

Their eyes collided again and his heart jumped.

Kaidan blinked. "I, uh... I should let you get back to the _Normandy._ Wish I could come with you."

"Agreed." Shepard took his hand back and pulled up from the chair, immediately making him miss the touch. "I know what it's like feeling you can't do anything. We're both men of integrity. Take care of yourself, Kaidan. We need you at 100 percent."

"Will do. Thanks for coming," he replied, forcing a tight-lipped smile.

Frustrated throwing his head back to the bed immediately after he had left the room, he cursed under his breath. Shepard had been right there, close enough to kiss him, and he just had to ruin it.

* * *

Shepard left the hospital with an odd warmth in his chest.

Thane, a drell assassin that helped him with destroying the collector base, stayed at Huerta Memorial because of his Kepral syndrome. He had promised he would protect Kaidan if their enemies tried to finish him off there, which Shepard appreciated.

He ran into EDI in the Presidium.

"Hello, Shepard."

Approaching her, he said, "You look like you're gathering data."

"That is a safe assumption."

"Anything big and world-shaking? Man's inhumanity to man? Does objective reality exist? That kind of thing?"

EDI clasped her hands behind her back. "I was running scenarios in my head to analyze Jeff's behavior," she said, glancing at the pilot sitting by a bench a piece away - giving her a wave - before turning back to him. "I believe he has a strong affectionate attachment to me, but he has not stated it to anyone yet. Shepard, you have firsthand sexual experience. How do you know when someone is romantically invested?"

That was... abrupt.

Shepard had only been in a handful of relationships in his life. A man named Ace was his first, at the age of seventeen, being the only one he had a connection with. The rest of his 'partners' were basically just one-night stands. It had been a while since he last was active, with Miranda, but he wasn't ashamed by that. Nevertheless, he have had quite a few offers, in which he politely declined. It wasn't that he was loathing the idea of a relationship for himself, far from it, but he was a 'business before pleasure' type of person.

Knowing they'd might not make it out alive added to that preference. Misunderstanding, pressure and lies brought Shepard and Ace apart, aside from a more critical event nearing the time he enlisted into the Alliance, resulting in Ace's death. He shrugged off the thought. EDI didn't need to know about that. No one did. It was far too private. His own baggage. He was still trying to move on from all that and his attraction to a certain major was no secret.

"They'll usually show signs they can't stop thinking about you. You know: asking you out, giving you presents, maybe playing music..."

"I lack material wants other than hardware and software upgrades, and my core programming does not assign values to music," she responded. "Perhaps we could discuss how to provoke Jeff into an emotional commitment."

"That's... not how to think of it. It's got to be neutral. You need chemistry."

EDI went quiet to do an analysis.

"I see," she said. "There are a number of pharmaceuticals I could inject to simulate the desired emotional state -"

Shepard shook his head. "No, I mean relax and doing something you both like. Something simple," he replied, as they had to have something in common aside from their love for the _Normandy._ "For example, you both like humor."

She nodded her approval.

"Correct. I will see if there are comedic entertainment shows being presented on the Citadel," she said, doing another scanning with a smile on her face. "Scanning... Do you think he would like 'The Man Who Hung Himself?' It appears to be about an amorous plastic surgeon."

Shepard looked stunned.

"EDI, the important thing is to have a good time, whenever you go," he said, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. "And if you're having fun, he probably will, too."

She actually looked worried. "Then the outcome is an unknown quantity... but you are saying I should attempt it anyway."

"Nobody ever fell in love without being a little bit brave," he said. EDI glanced down on her feet, worry reflecting in her face, until another smile appeared on her robotic lips. Shepard took his hand back after she seemed content once again.

"I see," she said, and tilted her chin up. "I believe you have improved my chances, Shepard. Thank you."

He ran into Kasumi while there. She was investigating an indoctrinated hanar, of all things, who had begun to worship the reapers because they were on the same team as the collectors. In other words, they were indoctrinated protheans, giving reason enough to help them.

 _Big... stupid... jellyfish._

* * *

Shepard found Kaidan standing by the window in his room.

"Hey, Shepard," he said, smiling as he released his arms. "If you came to spring me, you're late. I'm getting out soon."

"Damn, and here I had the whole routine planned out. I sent Wrex at the security and Cortez is ready with the shuttle. Paid the mercenaries in advance, too. I was going to do a really big entrance with this Malcolm Reynolds vibe," he said. "Good to hear, K."

Arching an unimpressed brow, Kaidan said, "Thought I told you _not_ to call me that." The only thing he received in reply was a smug grin. He was given that helpless smile that made him look downright precious, before Kaidan broke the glance and let out a snort. "Maybe you already saw the vid, but I accepted Udina's offer."

"Spectre Kaidan Alenko. That's a big deal."

Sounded sexy, too.

"Only the second human Spectre..." His eyes were far away. "It's humbling. Udina thinks they might have a pretty big ceremony. Even with the war. He says a celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch onto."

"You ready to take on that responsibility?"

"You set the bar pretty high, but I'll do my best," he said, and started to pace. "It's strange - on Mars, I should have died. The promotion from Anderson, Spectre status... These are terrible days. But I've been lucky."

"You're perfect for the job," he replied, taking a step forward to shake his hand. "On Eden Prime, I could see there was something special about you. You're a good soldier."

Kaidan took it. "That means a lot. I'm happy. I want to serve."

"I thought you might want to join the _Normandy."_

"Yeah, I have thought about that," he replied, hesitating. "I need to get out of here first, though - take care of some things. I've been trying to locate my old spec ops squads, my students, from Biotics Division."

"Any luck?"

He shook his head. "No. Probably went underground, but they'll turn up. If they were easy to find, they wouldn't be doing their jobs."

"Well, let me know when you're out."

* * *

 **A/N:** "Medial red tape" is a term for routines you have to take before being released from the hospital or being tied to strict rules for the time being. My Shepard thought Kaidan meant literally being _tied to the bed_ with _tape that happens to be red_ (idiot.)

I, ah... I have to admit I believed he meant _literally_ myself when playing the game - I mean, why not? :D

Also... Malcolm Reynolds is the main character (who also happens to be the captain of a spaceship) of the TV show _Firefly._ It has a few similarities to Mass Effect - a crew on a spaceship with a badass Captain.


	15. Ch 15: Trust

**Chapter 15: Trust**

* * *

 _"You're less of a jackass, at least. I'm glad something good came out of it." - David Anderson_

In which Kaidan has the choice to trust Shepard or not.

* * *

Shepard took contact with Anderson to get an update on Earth. _"Shepard,"_ he addressed him on the hologram. _"Good to see you in one piece, son. So I imagine by now you've wiped the galaxy clean of reapers and we can all come up for air?"_

He exhaled. "Not quite," he said, leaning in towards the controls. "There have been a few complications."

 _"Aren't there always. Hackett filled me in on the Crucible. Sounds like you've got some knots to untangle."_

"I'm just glad I could take care of one of them for you. I gather you and Kahlee Sanders were close," Shepard said. He had rescued a group of students on Grissom Academy where a woman named Kahlee Sanders had mentioned Anderson. She spoke highly of him. Kahlee mentioned that they had known each other for a long time.

 _"I owe you for that one, Shepard. Kahlee and I met almost twenty years ago. We even had a run-in with Saren in his early days."_ Anderson didn't meet his eyes. _"She and I were... more than close."_

"She misses you."

 _"I miss her._ _End of the world has a way of reminding you what you forgot to do. Maybe when this war's over, Kahlee and I will do something about that."_

"You'll see her soon."

 _"I can hope. But you've got a bigger problem right now - like a galaxy full of scared bureaucrats."_

A lot of cities around the world had stopped checking in. They were both aware what they were in for, but the shock hadn't worn off yet for the civilians back on Earth. Anderson had caught a shuttle out of Vancouver as they were running from foxhole to foxhole. However, the reapers focused on the big cities, giving them room to maneuver.

"I don't know how we'll win this yet, but we will. Even if it kills me."

 _"Well, you've already died once and that didn't slow you down. But let's not tempt fate."_ He seemed to think it over. _"You know, son - this takes me back to the day when you first signed up._ _You've come a long way since then."_

Shepard knew things would've been very different if it wasn't for Anderson.

"That's thanks to you. Hell, I don't know where I'd be if you hadn't found me in that coffee shop. The Reds put quite the bounty on my head. Taking that into context, I'd probably not be around at all."

 _"You're less of a jackass, at least. I'm glad something good came out of it,"_ he replied, and Shepard tilted his head down with a subtle smile as he remembered how much of a disrespectful brat he was. _"I told you that you would thank me one day."_ Anderson's tone turned lighter before he continued. _"Keep yourself safe, Shepard."_

"You too, sir."

He had earlier ran into Mordin who had finished what he needed to create the cure for the genophage using a sample from Eve, a krogan female they rescued, before heading to Tuchanka. They spread the cure throughout a huge monument called 'The Shroud.' It came at a steep cost as Mordin needed to manually take care of it. He sacrificed himself to save the krogans, stating that, "It had to be me. Someone else might've gotten it wrong." Wrex would honor his firstborn in Mordin's name, as he and Eve - her true name being Bakara - were now both part of clan Urdnot.

Garrus approached him after receiving confirmed help from the Primarch of Palaven.

"I'll start managing turian support right away, Shepard. You must be exhausted. Mordin dying... it can't be easy."

Scowling, he said, "I'll sleep when I'm _dead."_

"We both know you need a clear head to win this war," he replied, seeming somewhat amused at his response. "There's no room for mistakes here. You should catch some shut-eye. I'll make sure Joker doesn't launch any suicide missions."

He didn't really want to bother, as he was convinced that he wouldn't be able to sleep either way, aware that every attempt ended in restless frustration because of his nightmares. Nevertheless, he also knew that his stubbornness could cost them greatly.

Shepard exhaled and pushed himself away from the war table.

"Anything happens, you let me know."

He retreated to the captain's cabin. The damn recurring dream was back. The kid, the shadows and the voices haunting him. Liara was once again his saving grace as she stopped by. Together they remembered Ash and her sacrifice back on Virmire.

Meanwhile, the reapers were moving with obvious intent of attacking Thessia, the home world of the asari.

* * *

Kaidan hurried after the doctor as they headed for the reception.

"Doc. I'm fine, truly," he insisted. "I have to get back into the fight. Hell, I _need_ to get back in. I'm an Alliance soldier and I refuse to just sit back when I should do my job." She opened her mouth but he cut her off. "I -I'll keep the biotics offline for the time being, I promise."

The doctor skidded in a halt.

"You have to be the most stubborn patient I have ever had in this facility." She looked over her shoulder to see the sheepish smile form on Kaidan's lips before she exhaled. "Fine. Okay. I'll have the release papers filed. Don't say I didn't warn you."

"Thank you, I -" It wasn't before then he noticed that Huerta Memorial was literally empty of people. The doctor seemed to notice as well. She blinked owlishly and let her eyes wander across the room. "Is it always this, uh... empty? I mean, that's a good thing, right? Fewer patients and all. I assumed the staff would be here, though."

Kaidan frowned when he gleamed a skycar, as well as a gunship, hover behind the thin layer of glass separating them. He could barely make out the Cerberus logo on the side. His eyes widened in the moment the door slid open to reveal two soldiers stepping forward. One had a rocket launcher resting on his shoulder. Kaidan draped an arm around the doctor's waist and ducked behind the reception to counter the explosion.

"Oh my god!" she called.

Glass fragments were thrown throughout the room, one managing to slightly rift his cheek. Winching at the slight pain, he did his best to ignore it, and shielded the doctor's body with his. His options were limited at the moment. She remained ducked when he rose up again, charging a biotic _Throw,_ dismissing her advice of keeping them offline. It was first now he understood why. His implant flared up again and his head was starting to spin. He didn't need this right now as he was neither armed nor equipped except from his civvies. He didn't have time to deliver his biotics before a bullet was placed between the skycar driver's eyes.

A biotic pulse proceeded to knock the gunship out of the sky before an explosion appeared beneath the edge. Kaidan snapped his attention in the direction it came from to see a drell loading a clip. Thane Krios. They had briefly spoken before.

"Major Alenko. Doctor. Are you unharmed?"

He had to admit that he was glad to see a friendly face after what they had just witnessed. He had a lot of questions that he needed answers to but was determined to get the doctor to safety first.

Kaidan blinked. "I, ah... Okay. Thanks. Yeah, we're -We're good. Considering."

They would have to play 'Twenty Questions' later.

He reached out to help the doctor onto her feet whose glance settled at his hand before looking up. She looked as if she had been frozen in place in shock and he couldn't exactly blame her. The doctor finally took his hand, allowing him to pull her up, before rising in the moment Thane started moving.

"Unfortunately, Cerberus have compromised most of the facility. I would suggest you follow me. This way."

"I need to find the Council," Kaidan said, hurrying after.

"A wise decision. The security footage informed me that they were headed for the Presidium before the gunship showed up. I've been tracking it for five minutes. My apologies for it to reach you before I could take care of it. Citadel Security have already evacuated the hospital. They are safe, for now, and awaiting the situation to calm down. I would assume the two of you were not present when the evacuation took place." His glance settled at the doctor above his shoulder as she was quick on Kaidan's heel. The shock hadn't worn off for her yet. Thane seemed to realize that Kaidan would be doing the talking for her.

"My advice is to reunite the doctor with the others," he added. "Being out in the open like this is rather... impractical."

She managed to reply. "Y -yes. Of course. Thank you, sir."

"Cerberus," Kaidan said. "What are they doing here? How could they so easily cut through Citadel Security, not to mention the defenses?"

"My knowledge is as limited as yours I'm afraid," he replied. "It appears that there is a conspirator on the inside giving them access. We must find out who this is. They are looking for something or has a greater agenda. It is not like Cerberus to indulge in such an attack, so they must be desperate. My suspicion is that they are seeking the Council. These are grave thoughts, but it is the only way for all this to makes sense."

Kaidan slowly nodded. "Doctor," he said, skidding in a halt as they reached the safe zone. "Can you recall where my gear is stored?"

"It's in that locker," she replied, pointing at it. "Be careful out there. Both of you."

"Do not worry, Doctor. Major Alenko is a dedicated soldier from what I have heard." Thane turned back to Kaidan and gave him a rundown on what he knew. "I have encountered at least twenty Cerberus operatives this far, and it does not seem that they are willing to give up just yet. Meanwhile, I will scout ahead and clear us a path. It is safer that way, as you have yet not recovered fully. We must get to the Council with haste. We cannot afford any delays. It could be costly. For all of us." He fell into a pause. "The Commander spoke highly of you. I can now see why."

He clenched his jaw. "I -Thank you, Thane. I appreciate you doing this."

They parted ways before Kaidan geared up. Now when he couldn't use his biotics, the firearm was obligatory, knowing he wouldn't last very long using only his fists. He headed out of Huerta Memorial and encountered four Cerberus operatives. Thane had apparently taken care of nine of them already, as their bodies lay scattered across the floor, a reduced amount of blood as all his shots had been precise.

Grabbing a grenade from one of the fallen soldiers, Kaidan took cover behind a wall as he launched it between the Cerberus soldiers.

The headache was soon in its full force, but he didn't exactly have the option to pick up some painkillers, either. If that wasn't enough, he heard something like heavy machinery. He looked out the window to spot the gunship he had earlier seen. That complicated a few things. His eyes widened as it angled its guns towards him. The gunship proceeded to spray bullets in his direction, causing him perform a roll to the side, taking cover behind a worn wall. He was only armed with a pistol and couldn't take this thing down without his biotics or some sort of concussive shots.

He needed to evacuate the Council. For all he knew, Cerberus had already got to them, but he wasn't willing to give up before finding their bodies. He just needed to find an opening and wait for the gunship having to reload.

"Major Alenko," he heard from above, and tilted his head up to see Thane standing on a higher ledge. "The Council is behind the door down the hallway. I recognized five Cerberus operatives heading in that direction. I will buy you some time and hold the gunship off. Councilor Valern was not with them, so I will look for him, and inform the ships that are about to dock at the Citadel that we are under attack. I have already prepared a shuttle to evacuate the rest. Do not wait for me."

Kaidan nodded.

Thane charged and released a biotic attack towards the gunship and gave him an opening. Kaidan reached the end of the hallway and fired a couple bullets, bringing down two of the Cerberus soldiers that Thane had informed him about, before taking cover again. He awaited another opening and finally managed to clear the area. Keeping the pistol raised, he started backing towards the door.

He brought a hand up against the door and gave it a knock.

"Councilors. It's Major Alenko. The hallway is clear. I'm here to evacuate you."

 _"Thank the goddess,"_ he heard Tevos mutter from behind the door, as well as an _"About time,"_ from Udina.

He ignored the last part, couldn't blame Udina for being impatient, although he didn't have to be such an ass all the time. Kaidan turned around when they released the door lock, letting his eyes wander across the room, seeing that Tevos, Sparatus and Udina were all in good standing.

"Have any of you seen Councilor Valern?" he asked.

"Not in at least two hours." Sparatus' inquiry raised some concern. "The last time we saw him was before he contacted the Commander after curing the genophage. He was about to inform us why until we got separated."

Kaidan frowned. "Wait... he _cured_ the -?" he tried, but decided to drop it. "I got separated with Thane Krios a couple minutes ago. He's looking for him. Meanwhile, my top priority is evacuating the three of you, so let's get moving before any more soldiers show up."

"Lead the way, major," Sparatus said, nodding.

Thane had cleared their path but he was yet nowhere to be seen. He brought the Councilors to the elevator by the end of the hallway, in which the Councilors headed into first, before being followed by Kaidan. The shuttle that Thane had readied for them was a few levels up. Kaidan still kept his guard and for good reason. He nearly startled as he heard feet hit the metal above them.

"Gunmen! Get down! Go!"

Kaidan pushed the Councilors aside and out the elevator as he managed to fire a couple bullets after the vehicle reached their level. In hope he had hit whatever Cerberus soldier trying to get to them, he headed out himself, only to find the Councilors watching the destroyed shuttle. Kaidan began cursing under his breath as things just got worse. They weren't going to lose the damned Council as they had been in far too many close calls. He had come too far to fail here. They needed to find another way.

"Cerberus took out the shuttle," he added, and turned. "Back to the elevator - move!"

He pulled up his firearm as he sensed movement. Kaidan froze. Liara stepped through, followed by Garrus, and then Shepard. He immediately lowered it before Liara shut the door behind them.

Frowning, Kaidan asked, "Shepard, what's going on?"

He was in for a shock when the trio's crosshairs lined up to one of the Councilors. Udina. Kaidan couldn't remember moving. Not before finding himself mirroring Shepard with the gun back up. Shepard's expression immediately lost its stoic edge, jaw tightened, slightly lowering the gun now when Kaidan was standing at the other end of it. Kaidan couldn't believe it. Shepard was taking part of the attack. He could swear Shepard looked uneasy where he stood as if he knew he was caught red-handed.

It wasn't like him to react in such a way. Not so openly.

Kaidan swallowed hard and found himself barely shaking with Shepard in the crossfire. It all seemed so surreal. Like a bad dream he couldn't wake up from. They hadn't exactly been on the best of terms with each other recently, but he didn't find that to be reason enough for Shepard wanting to kill him, so it was a do or don't. A game of chance. He was between Shepard and his target and that was enough.

Udina broke in. "Shepard is blocking our escape. He is with Cerberus!"

"Just... just hang on -" Kaidan stuttered, trying to think clearly. "I got this. Everybody calm down."

Shepard lowered the gun. "I can explain this, Kaidan."

"Come on, Shepard. Gun drawn on a Councilor..." he muttered, breaking the eye contact between them. "Kind of looks bad."

He wasn't surprised when Garrus and Liara turned on him as well. The both of them had been by Shepard's side throughout all of this, either passively or aggressively, so they could quite possibly have been brainwashed. Shepard was damn charismatic. Seeing the face and witnessing the actions of Commander Shepard appeared to be enough for the two to swear immediate loyalty and support. Shepard signaled them both to lower their firearms in which they obeyed.

"We don't have time to negotiate." Shepard's focused glare met his again, taking a determined step forward. "You've been fooled, all of you. Udina is behind this attack. The salarian Councilor confirmed it."

 _Udina. What the hell?_

It couldn't be right. He might be an ass, but this? Udina could never pull this off by himself.

And why?

Shepard's now pained expression didn't help as he was trying his best to be tactical about the situation. Putting a bullet in his former CO was the last thing he wanted to do. He didn't want to admit it, but he would never be able to trigger the mechanism on him, not even in self-defense.

Hell... it was _Shepard._

"Please. You have no proof," Udina scoffed, and lined himself up next to Tevos. "You never do."

Shepard ignored him. "There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator behind us," he said, shooting a hand towards the vehicle. "Dammit - if you open that door, they'll kill you all."

"We've mistrusted Shepard before..." Tevos tried carefully, moving her gaze to the human Councilor. "And it did not help us."

With determined steps, Udina began to move towards the console. "We don't have time to debate this," he said, eager to get off-topic. "We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock."

Kaidan had expected any form of stutter or dishonesty, but he heard nothing. If all this turned out to be true, that Udina was dirty, it wasn't too difficult to believe. It would explain his animosity. Of course, his animosity could also be because he was accused for a crime he didn't do, enough to make anyone just a tad bit salty. He would've believed Shepard within a heartbeat if he didn't have past history with Cerberus.

"K, please... Trust me."

His eyes focused intently on Shepard's, scouting for any sign of dishonesty, but couldn't find it. It both relieved and worried him that he was too difficult to read. There was something about the intensity of his eyes convincing him that it was more to this, as if this reminded him of something, a pained memory. It was usually the way he looked when bringing up Akuze so it had to be personal. So he hesitated.

Shepard seemed to attempt circling around him when his firearm back up, but Kaidan carefully followed his movement, placing himself before the crossfire again. At least Shepard didn't immediately pull the trigger. That was something. Maybe he was speaking the truth. He had a choice. Believe Shepard or don't. One wrong decision could cost them greatly. He and Shepard shared a glance before he made his decision.

"I better not regret this."

 _My god, Alenko. What the hell are you doing?_

The lines on Shepard's face faltered in a way that somehow made him feel like he made the right choice. He glimpsed small, appreciative smile tug at the corners of his lips, lowering the gun.

"You won't," he muttered, softly.

Kaidan found himself able to somewhat relax, but even so, the suspicion was yet lingering. He made sure he had Shepard in the corner of his eye as his firearm wandered from him to Udina.

"Udina. Step away from the console."

"To hell with this," Udina murmured, and began to override the lock.

Everything happened way too quickly after that. Udina had nearly killed Tevos, and Kaidan had placed a bullet in him, making his body drop to the floor in a heavy thud. The confirmation of making the correct choice was given after Commander Bailey came to view and informed them that Shepard had just saved their lives. Udina had always been an ass, but amazingly enough, he hadn't expected this. Not from him.

The feeling of guilt of not believing Shepard came in its full force, and he made a promise never to doubt him again, although one question remained. Why did Shepard look so lost at the other end of the crossfire?

He was determined to find out when he stepped through the door.


	16. Ch 16: Home

**Chapter 16: Home**

* * *

" _Med-bay? C'mon, Shepard - I just got out. Chakwas is going to hold me there until I decide to kill myself with an overdose to escape." - Kaidan Alenko_

In which Shepard shares how he lost Ace.

* * *

"Kaidan. Hey, I wondered where you went. What's up?"

He was once again amazed by how casual Shepard sounded, his commanding role perfectly played out as if nothing fazed him, as if handling situations like these was just as easy as breathing. One of the many things that amazed him about Shepard was his willpower.

Frowning, he said, "I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened."

"You sound angry."

"No, not angry, just..." No, 'angry' wasn't the word. Not really "...not used to staring down the gun with someone I've worked with so closely. How it all went down, it's got me... I don't know."

"Okay. Talk to me. Let's have it," Shepard said sternly, approaching him.

Kaidan met him halfway. "If I hadn't backed down first... I feel like you would have taken me out."

"I trusted you, and I knew you'd come around. That's all that matters. Main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."

It wasn't really an answer.

"But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard," he replied, and took a step back to stare out the window. "Later, when you have to live with yourself. Knowing you acted... with integrity - then it matters."

His hand encountered the railing, leaning forward, back slightly hunched.

"You're talking about Udina," Shepard said, and folded his arms across his chest. "You think he would have come in quietly? Kaidan, he gave you no choice. You had to take the shot. You acted with integrity. I saw the whole thing."

He would spare Shepard having to hold a speech about 'doing the right thing' to get his priorities straight. He was 35, for god's sake, not needing to get lectured on morality choices. He followed his gut and the opinions of others. Asking for help never hurt anyone. Shepard didn't seem to have to ask. He always followed his gut, and judging by what Kaidan had seen, it was in the right place. He was aware of his morals. Acted purely out of instinct that seemed to always pull off the best outcome. He didn't know how he managed that. He wished he could do the same.

"All right. Thanks," he muttered, and felt a small smile tug at the corners of his lips. It gradually faltered. "Hey, ah... back with Udina..." Shepard didn't look angry or surprised when receiving the question, his glance simply drifted away as his hands connected to the banister.

Kaidan sighed. "Sorry. I -it's not my business. I'm sure you had your reasons."

"I held a gun on you, and it's 'not your business'?"

Running a hand through his hair, Kaidan said, "Well, ah... to be fair, I drew first."

He thought he was seeing things when Shepard's lips began to curve upwards, but could swear the docks got a lot warmer when the man let out a heartfelt chuckle. Shepard didn't have to go through much effort to leave him feeling flushed or start stuttering like an idiot. In a way, it scared the crap out of him. He had come to terms with what he felt, but it went deeper than that, deeper than he was aware of.

The subtle smile on Shepard's face noticeably faltered as he looked away.

"You remember the Reds, right?" he asked, and Kaidan slowly nodded his reply. "Only days before I enlisted, I ah... Finch, Curt and I were going to execute someone who was hiding with the Alliance."

Execute. Shepard _had_ killed. It was just different with the kid.

"I think he was an officer that had wronged Jericho at some point. Owed him money," Shepard continued, and nodded solemnly. "It was far from a valid reason, but hell, I did it anyway. I didn't care. I was doing jobs for them and keeping Ace in the dark as I went - had earlier promised him I left all that behind. I hadn't." He fell into a suffocating pause. "Ace had been in the Alliance for about a year and a half by then, moved up to lieutenant, working with higher ranking officers."

 _Of course. How could I not see this?_

"He wasn't stupid. I knew he'd find out eventually, but... I didn't know he was assigned to the same squad," he added, and Kaidan swallowed hard. "We ended up gun-to-gun. I don't know what piss me off the most. The fact that he refused to kill me or step away, leaving me to pull the trigger - or the fact that he believed that I was better than that. I can still remember the disappointed look he gave me before -"

He cut himself off, hands tightening around the banister, tilting his head up again.

"So there you have it. 'The legendary Commander Shepard' - a damned murderer only recognized as 'a noble and selfless hero who saved the very galaxy' because Anderson scooped me off the streets, concealed my past and refused to see me behind bars, seeing a hint of humanity left," he finished wearily, in disbelief if he was worthy of a second chance. If only he knew he was.

Shepard turned away. "I feel like I'm reliving the whole damn thing with you."

His past explained a lot about him. Had formed him greatly throughout the years. It explained how he was determined to get things done right. How he felt indebted to the Alliance. He wanted to redeem himself for choosing the wrong side in the fight. If the Alliance knew about Shepard killing an Alliance officer, maybe even two, he would be dismissed. Thrown out of the service for a lifetime as his criminal record would no longer be considered clean. He without doubt appreciated the trust he had for him.

Kaidan was at a loss of words. "Wow, Shepard. I... I'm sorry."

"Don't. You're not the only one who's got your past squared away." He could tell he was trying to lighten the conversation, so he forced an understanding weak smile. Shepard pushed himself away from the banister and looked at him over his shoulder. "That aside, I refuse to believe that putting me on the spot like this is why you're here."

He exhaled. "Yeah, there -there's another reason I'm here. Hackett offered me a position, but... I'd turn it down in a second if it was a chance to join you on the _Normandy_ again."

"Couldn't imagine meeting the reapers without you," Shepard replied with a small smile, and held out his hand.

Kaidan captured it in a firm handshake. "Thanks, Commander. And Shepard... I want you to know that I'll never doubt you again," he replied, feeling his lips tug upwards. "I've got your back."

"Good to hear. The Starboard Observation is cleared if you want a place for yourself. Welcome aboard, major."

Snapping a salute, he said, "Aye, aye sir."

He noticed a frown forming between Shepard's brows as blue hue wandered across his face. Either he had something on his face, or he was pissed about being called 'sir' again, proving a bad habit. He was about to ask, but sucked in a breath when Shepard stepped forward, moving his hand to below his chin and gently tilting his head aside. He felt like an idiot simply looking into thin air as he tried to swallow. The way he held him in place made it seem like he was frozen, but with less cold involved.

It was the exact opposite.

"Sh -Shepard. What are you, ah... what are you doing?" he asked. The sensation of Shepard's thumb traced just below his... Of course. His cheeks started burning for believing he did anything else as it went up for him.

The cut.

Kaidan's eyes slammed shut. "Oh. Right. It was... it was a gunship," he muttered, not knowing what to do with his hands. "I was at the reception in Huerta Memorial when Cerberus shattered the windows. It's not that bad."

"Sure about that? Looks pretty deep to me." Shepard let go of his face. "Hell, I'm not going to have you bleed all over the ship. Get your ass into the _Normandy's_ med-bay after you get your things."

"Med-bay? C'mon, Shepard. I just got out. Chakwas is going to hold me there until I decide to kill myself with an overdose to escape."

Shepard opened his mouth but he held up a hand to stop him. "Seriously, Shepard. No. _Never_ again."

He saw him fold his arms across his chest and decrease the distance between them in the same manner he did back at the _SR-1,_ almost forcing him back as he reacted similarly, for a moment forgetting to breathe.

"Fine," he replied. "Then get your ass into my cabin. I'll patch you up myself."

Kaidan froze. Cabin. Shepard's _cabin._

Last time he was there was after Sovereign's defeat. It felt like a lifetime ago when everything was fine between them. Before Horizon and Cerberus. He suspected it would bring back bad memories when treading into the very same territory. Sure, it was a replica, but he imagined it to be somewhat similar to the old ship. Just the thought of being in such a closely confined space with Shepard again was enough to stir his nerves.

He cleared his throat. "I -it's just a cut, Shepard... It looks worse than it is."

"Maybe. But my ship, my rules. Sounds good?"

Kaidan blinked owlishly when realizing his gaze hadn't moved from Shepard's when he was lost in thought. Again, he had been staring at him. Just like in Huerta Memorial. Obliviously. That needed to stop. Why Shepard wasn't freaked out by it surely did confuse him.

He flagged it off as his eyes tightly fluttered shut.

"Y -yeah... Sounds good. You're the boss."

"Great," he replied with a smile, unaware what it did to him. "See you at the ship, major."

Kaidan opened his mouth to reply, but before he had the chance, Shepard had pivoted on his heel and headed for the _Normandy._ He was able to move his glance towards Shepard again before he disappeared into the airlock.

He had begun to notice how different Shepard had been acting ever since they met up on Earth, right before the reapers attacked. Something was different, but he couldn't quite place it. Shepard was even more serious these days. Nevertheless, judging by everything that was happening around them, it only made sense that he would grow tired. Shepard agreed with Joker that you wouldn't come far in life grinning like an idiot. He couldn't be the sappy commander that wept over accidentally stepping on a spider.

Of course, it took one hell of a lot more than that to make him crack.

He had almost gotten himself killed on several occasions. Garrus had told him that Shepard was close to rip off his own arm once in a fist-fight-gone-wrong with a Brute on Palaven's moon, Menae, without as much as flinch not too long ago.

It was good to be back.

* * *

"Getting settled?"

Shepard had made his way to the Starboard Observation deck and leant to the doorway to see Kaidan, standing by the railing as his arms rested at its surface, looking out the huge window that was overlooking the galaxy. He had to mentally pinch himself not to stare at his ass.

Kaidan snorted, ducking his head before turning towards him.

"Didn't take you for the patient sort, Commander."

"As I said - don't need you bleeding all over the ship - and I forgot the cabin's on the top floor, so I figured, you know."

Coughing out a laugh, Kaidan turned around, his back encountering the railing as he leant to it.

"Yeah. I got you, Shepard."

He wanted Kaidan to start taking him seriously, stop believing he was just messing around, when the truth is that he was the only 'victim' to his horrible flirtation attempts these days. He was hoping it could one day, after wanting it for three years, develop into something more.

 _Patient,_ he echoed to himself. If only Kaidan knew just how _patient_ he was.

Damn, he was dense.

He pulled himself away from the doorway and approached him with firm steps.

"Okay, Spectre Kaidan Alenko. Doctor John Shepard is here to take the 'ouch' away -" He was forced into a mix between a cough and laugh when Kaidan had launched a fist at his abdomen. "Hell, you're becoming just like Jack." Shepard reached out to touch his chin, his fingers lightly brushing against his jawline before tilting his head to the side. "I'm like a living punching bag. You biotics are mean sons-of-bitches."

"Ever think there's a reason to why you get punched a lot?"

"No clue." Shepard had no problems with keeping his deadpan expression, moving the thumb of his other hand to the cut, holding his chin in place. "Now answer my damned question. Getting settled?"

Kaidan turned his head a few inches but kept his eyes on him.

"So... this is why you offered, huh - to interrogate me?"

Shepard nearly pouted like an adult man. The sarcasm was precious. Kaidan rolled his eyes before letting out a sigh. He felt his breath tickling his skin, attempting to flag the sensation off, trying his best to focus on getting the cut covered up. His mind had entirely different plans in store.

"Not much to unpack," Kaidan added. "Left Earth in a hurry. Just the clothes on my back and a few things I picked up on the Citadel."

Shepard's eyes flickered a glance to his neck, exposed only inches away from him. He frowned deeply, daring himself to look away. Not known to easily restrain himself, he had to bite back the urge. If only he could act. Push him up against the wall, and _-Stop._ He slammed his eyes shut and shook the inappropriate thoughts out of his head.

Smiling, Kaidan said, "Kinda like it. Living lean."

The hand cradling his chin dropped to the side.

"All done."

His thumb gently trailed the cut to make sure the medi-gel was covering it. His statement caused Kaidan to turn to him, in which their eyes proceeded to meet. He didn't know what he expected. Certainly not the corners of Kaidan's mouth quirking upwards even further.

"Thanks," he muttered softly, his husky voice sending him spinning.

"Anytime." He could find his thumb having a mind of its own as it once again brushed against his cheek. Shepard reluctantly pulled himself away after letting go of his face. Kaidan shifted uneasily besides him before turning away as his own forearms moved to rest at the banister.

Shepard smirked. "What, am I making you nervous or something?"

"You've got no idea."

 _Wait, what?_

"Hell, as you said - we haven't been on the best of terms with each other recently." Kaidan folded his arms across his chest. "I guess I just don't want to send any bad signals, Shepard. Worried I'll overstep boundaries, you know?"

Kaidan was talking about Horizon and the gun-to-gun standoff.

"Right," he simply said. "But all that's in the past. Buried. You're bound to break something if you continue straining yourself like this, major. Again with the over-thinking. We're good. I wasn't lying when I said that."

He slowly nodded. "Yeah, I -I know," he said, before averting his eyes. Kaidan then cleared his throat. "This is, ah... this is one hell of a ship. Even if it's not a direct replica of the _SR-1,_ it still has the same feel to it. Sure, it helps that it has real beds and not pods, though. Maybe." A frown breached his brows. "Still doesn't look very comfortable. This might sound cliché, but... I don't know. Kinda feels like home."

"Glad to hear it."

He heard the door slide open.

"Shepard."

Kaidan's honey-brown eyes gained twice their size as they wandered to the door. He didn't have the time to process anything before Kaidan circled and stood before him, creating a barrier shielding them both.

"Oh my god! Wh -what the hell?!"


	17. Ch 17: Strip Poker

**Chapter 17: Strip Poker**

* * *

" _Be glad it wasn't Commander Shepard we found by that pole, shaking his arse - because I swear to Queen Mary that's nightmare fuel for centuries._ _" - Kenneth Donnelly_

In which Kaidan gets more than he bargained for.

* * *

Kaidan's sudden outburst had Shepard reaching for a gun that wasn't there.

Pushing himself away from the railing, he turned to the door to see whom it was. It wasn't until then a subtle, innocent smile formed on his lips. He caught Kaidan's eye over his shoulder, who was in a state of pure shock.

"Surprise?" he murmured, shrugging.

Kaidan's eyes shifted uneasily between him and the visitor in a hurried pace.

"Do -do you plan to tell me what the hell is going on?"

"Major Alenko. I wanted to introduce myself. I am the Electronic warfare Defense Intelligence of the _SSV Normandy SR-2_ \- although I do prefer the term 'EDI,' as for organics, I do believe it works as a... 'name'."

Shepard held up a hand. "Uh, EDI... I think you should've brought this up to me first. Introducing yourself in Dr. Eva's body tends to make people nervous. Especially Kaidan. I mean, it almost killed him. Literally."

The barrier was reluctantly dropped.

"I see. It must be a human reaction. My apologies if I have awoken any form of concern." EDI clasped her hands behind her back and revealed a smile on her robotic lips. "I can assure you that I am only using this body so my functionality can exist without being primarily reduced to the weapon systems. I have no intentions of brutally ending your life."

Kaidan blinked. "I, ah... Thanks."

A subtle grin formed on Shepard's face. "See? Harmless," he said casually, and folded his arms across his chest. "You're going to get along just fine, huh, Alenko?" He was given unimpressed look, nearly a pout, only making his grin turn wider.

"Shepard, as I am here," EDI said. "I should inform you that we will head for Eden Prime the first thing in the morning."

"Thank you, EDI. Dismissed." The door closed behind her and Kaidan turned to face him. Shepard's eyes fluttered shut as he inhaled through his teeth. "Yeah... I forgot about that. Sorry."

"Uh-huh. I would've appreciated being debriefed about this _before_ coming aboard, Shepard. Honestly, I -I wouldn't even have given her a chance to speak if you weren't here." Shepard massaged the back of his neck, and Kaidan sighed. "So... Eden Prime, huh?"

He was thankful he dropped it.

"Cerberus discovered a prothean artifact on the colony. We're going to recover it before they do."

While they stood there, they shared some kind of heart-to-heart. Kaidan expressed how the world seemed so calm from there, but he knew that it was an illusion, and that illusion sometimes made people forget the troubles out in the galaxy. The conversation later turned less pleasant. Kaidan had found out that his father was MIA, presumed worse, as he had left Kaidan's mother at the orchard and reported for active duty. Shepard let it slide, knowing Kaidan didn't really want to talk about it.

It was quick and on-point, a reminder that Kaidan wasn't feeling great, but that he didn't plan to let it affect his duties. He seemed to will his eyes to look into his face even though they strained to turn away.

"I don't know how you do it, Shepard. Keeping it together like you. Earth is always in the back of my mind, haunting me."

Everyone seemed to believe that all this was easy for him. To be a commander and make the tough decisions. He had doubted many of his choices in the past, and truth is, it was an internal struggle that rarely left him. The fear of messing up.

 _Fear._

Now there was a word he hadn't used in months, or years even, perhaps he never had. Again, it was his own baggage. He wasn't going to trouble anyone else with his bottled up worries. Having them share the burden that he was forced to bear was unacceptable. Everyone had their own problems and this was something Shepard wanted to take care of himself. If Kaidan was aware of this, he would take half of his concerns on his own shoulders, and then some. He knew Kaidan. He was too much of a good-guy to ignore trying to help. Shepard loved that about him.

Instead of objecting, he avoided the statement.

"I get that. I do."

"And my students... Well, wherever they are, I know they're kicking ass. On Earth or... somewhere." He glimpsed a genuine smile forming on Kaidan's mouth. "You know, when this war is over, there is going to be one hell of a reunion party."

Shepard smiled lightly. "Hell yeah."

"Dancing in the streets. Hugging and crying. My mom always wanted to travel off-planet. I think I'll take her."

"I'm sure she'll love it... and hell, when this is over, you're going to show me Vancouver," Shepard replied, and put his hands on his hips. He hesitated with a small cringe. _"Outside_ of a jail cell."

Kaidan snorted. "With pleasure, Commander."

They exchanged a small smile when Kaidan turned his way. Their gazes collided and lingered. Shepard's features turned faint, but the subtle smile never left his lips, as he released his arms. He traversed his weight to his other foot, leaving mere inches between them, his glance wandering down before settling back at soft honey-brown.

"Glad to have you back, K."

* * *

Kaidan noticed that the food had gotten better since the _SSV Normandy SR-1._ Scuttlebutt has it that the food was just as bad at first, but the ingredients were replaced, being of better quality. It was good to see that Shepard's appetite hadn't decreased since last time they ate together. Hell, he ate like a biotic, and that was saying something. High metabolism and all. Seeing him stuffing his face with food was actually quite charming.

Frowning, Shepard said, "Gardner literally sent me grocery shopping. _Me._ Can you believe it?"

"I, ah... I don't think I have to remind you how bad it was back at the _SR-1,_ and hell, you had it better," Kaidan said. "Seriously, I -I think we can all agree it was worth it, Shepard."

He shook his head. "Easy for you to say. I had to wait in line for close to two hours, and those damned 'Blasto' ads just won't leave me alone. I swear... someone's involved in this." Shepard took a firm grip of his beer before taking a sip, moving away from his mouth again, his frown deepened and only added to his charm. "I'm willing to bet my own ass that Kasumi's behind it."

Kaidan grinned at the revelation.

Waiting in line at the Zakera Café had to be among Shepard's worst nightmares. He nearly seemed insulted by the whole 'Blasto' thing, seeing that the hanar protagonist is portrayed as the hero of the Citadel in the films with 'a lover in every port and a gun in every tentacle.'

People could get the wrong idea.

Vega walked past them with his plate. "You do realize that as a Spectre you could just walk up to the counter... right, Loco?"

"And have the whole Citadel remember me as 'that' guy? Yeah, no thanks. I'm willing to suffer through Blasto to avoid that. Barely," Shepard replied, and Kaidan nearly startled when his own omni-tool lit up. "Well, well. Look at you 'being all important'."

Kaidan brought up the display to see that it was a message from Admiral Hackett. He had earlier sent in the report on the Cerberus coup, as several points-of-views were required to debrief the situation that occurred, to make sure that what happened was legit.

He ignored Shepard's inquiry. "It's just a reply to the report I sent in regarding the Cerberus coup."

Shepard planted his foot at the edge of the table, rocking back in his chair so it was balancing at the very tip of it. Kaidan suspiciously peered up from behind the omni-tool to meet his glance.

"Think you can forward your entry to me?" Shepard asked.

"I'm guessing you haven't gotten around to it yet," he muttered, cocking a brow at him. The way Shepard simply flashed him a small smirk was a good enough answer as any. It was good to know that some things would never change. Kaidan sighed. "Fine. I'll forward it. Just make sure not to entirely copy the whole thing. Hackett is going to ask questions... and stop leaning back like that. You're going to fall."

"Uh-huh." He leant even further. "Make me."

He was tempted to send him over with a biotic push, as part of him wanted him to fall, but he managed to hold back. Nevertheless, he did consider to throw the fork at him.

Kaidan opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off.

"You know what you need, Blue? You need to get your mind off things," Vega called from the counter, his placement next to Steve. 'Blue.' He still had to get used to being called that. Shepard was 'Loco,' Tali was 'Sparks,' Steve was 'Esteban' and Garrus was 'Scars.' Vega didn't use names. Kind of his thing. "Hey, let's take a few rounds of poker or something. All four of us."

Steve blinked. "Wait, all _four_ of us?"

"Hell yeah. You're joining us. Loco, too."

"Don't I have a say in this? Some of us actually have work to do. I need to fix the Kodiak, and you're not exactly making the process any less time-consuming. Last time it broke down, it was _your_ fault, and it took me five hours."

"I already told you, Esteban. I saved the day!"

Cortez shook his head with a soft smile.

"Steve, this is the perfect time for that shore leave I mentioned." Shepard propped his arm to the backrest and looked over his shoulder to face the other two. "Hell, you said it was difficult to say 'no' to me." He nearly sounded husky and Kaidan could swear his insides just twisted. He wanted to kick himself again. "Seeing that Kasumi's not here to steal my clothes again... it'll be fun."

"Well... you make a compelling argument, Commander."

Vega loudly cleared his throat as he was clearly sharing Kaidan's discomfort. They loved to make him uncomfortable. It had to be an inside joke that happened during the time Kaidan was at Huerta Memorial.

"So what do you say, Blue?"

Kaidan hesitated. "I -I don't think that's a good idea..."

Shepard rose up. "C'mon, K," he said, before draping an arm around his shoulder. "We'll have Gabriella Daniels and Kenneth Donnelly join us. You should be better acquainted before we head out again. Stop being such a spoilsport."

Frowning, Kaidan said, "I'm not... I'm not a spoilsport."

"Gracias, then you're in!" Vega called, and clapped his hands together. "Texas Hold 'Em it is. I'll get the cerveza!" Kaidan opened his mouth to protest, but the decision had already been made. He shot Shepard a sharp look, but he only received a cheeky grin in reply, a cocky wink and a pat on the back before he left the mess.

Vega stopped abruptly in the doorway. "Hey, Esteban! What is it with you two, anyways?"

Steve chuckled. "Shepard's just a good friend, lieutenant. There's a fine line between mutual respect and affection, and it's not exactly blurry from where I stand."

"I'm just looking out for you, man."

"I'm flattered that you care, Mr. Vega - but if you haven't noticed, the commander speaks with everyone aboard the ship. You included," he clarified, and Vega's body stiffened. "No worries, my friend. Our CO is all eyes for someone else."

Kaidan cringed.

 _My god, I hope not..._

Steve gave him a subtle wink that left him more than confused.

 _Wait, what's that supposed to mean?_

Cortez waved him over. "Let's find the engineers."

* * *

It didn't take long before they found themselves by the ship's built-in poker table. Vega had already retrieved the beers and they were good to go for at least a few hours. The engineers had decided to join in after being introduced. Gabriella and Kenneth, more commonly referred to as Gabby and Ken, were both post-Cerberus staff. Kaidan was hesitant to trust them at first, but that abruptly changed, as he found them to be very likable. Just the right amount of crazy for the _Normandy_ to fit right in.

Shepard turned to the propulsion engineer. "So Gabby, you in?"

"No, no, no. I'm playing unless the booze kicks in, all right? I'm lightly dressed enough as it is. I'll remain at the sideline, getting more beers if need be. Maybe some food. And tissues for Ken's tears."

"Thanks, mum," the power engineer replied sarcastically. "You can be a real feisty bastard, you know?"

"Oh, Kenny. You say the nicest of things."

They couldn't exactly blame her, seeing that she was the only woman in the room at the moment. EDI didn't exactly wear clothes, being a rather amusing thought. Liara was too innocent for poker and far too easy to manipulate. He was aware that looks could be deceiving, and Liara was a good example, but playing poker with her was just not fair. Samantha Traynor, the new _SSV Normandy_ comm-specialist, was occupied and couldn't join them. It was something about a toothbrush. Kaidan didn't dare ask.

Steve snorted. "I'll be the dealer first round."

"Let's go!" Vega called eagerly.

Steve sat between Ken and Shepard, put the chips on the table and started handing each of them two cards face down. During their game, they were throwing pleasant banter and jokes back and forth. They paid little attention to or care much for their cards. There wasn't exactly big sums of credits at the table at first, as that only happened after they had played a few rounds, but none of them would hold grudges.

At least that's what he thought.

Kaidan had always been good in poker, so he did have an advantage. Even so, he had competition with James, who definitely knew what he was doing. They had played a few games before and he still couldn't figure out all his moves.

Ken launched the game. "Raise."

"I'm raising," Kaidan said.

"Raise here," Vega added.

Shepard was last. "Raise."

They ended up playing for two hours straight and were still going. Of course, most of the time went by thanks to the banter. He had found himself greatly enjoying the company of the new crewmembers. Gabby was right that Ken was the one suffering with the worst hands. Bad luck. Kaidan was currently at second place as Vega was leading the game but had one bad round, making him grin internally, as James' cocky exterior attitude needed to be taken down a notch. The odds were in Kaidan's favor while they were playing and he could feel the alcohol kicking in.

Giggling, Gabby said, "Hey, this reminds me of shore leave a year ago. I can still remember the way Shepard -"

"Whoa, hey. Don't. Don't go there, Daniels."

Shepard's reluctance only made him curious.

Ken laughed. "That cozy place behind the strip club?"

"No, it was that rundown place _next_ to the strip club, remember? Looked like a slum of some sort." She rolled her eyes. "Of course you only remember the strip club. Oh my god... men."

"Aye. You can't exactly blame me, lassie. Those asari beauties knows what they're doing. Be glad it wasn't Commander Shepard we found by that pole, shaking his arse - because I swear to Queen Mary that's nightmare fuel for centuries."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Shepard said, frowning deeply. "I'm a great dancer."

Kaidan held up a hand. "Whoa, whoa. I, ah... I don't follow."

"I was running recon -"

"Running recon? That's a bunch of gobshite, Commander," Ken said, and shoved some credits across the table. "Bet. Bring it on, whackos. So everyone _except_ Commander Shepard were running recon -"

Grunting, Shepard said, "Wait a damned minute! I was in a bad place, all right?"

Vega grinned. "Check... Hell, I want to hear this."

"We finally got some shore-leave after investigating a disabled collector cruiser," Gabby said, ignoring Shepard's addition. "The Commander said he was going to go for a walk after he had been in a heated argument with some guy back at the local bar to 'blow off some steam.' It would've been ugly if Vakarian hadn't held him back when it occurred. We were starting to get worried after a while, so Ken and I headed out to go get him only to find him in an ally close by, finishing the argument that he had started."

Ken chuckled. "We just got around in time to witness the guy receive a real kneecap to the daddy-bags, squirming like there was no end of it, just a wee line separating Shepard from going complete apeshite on the poor bastard - cursing his mum's name in the process."

That was one hell of an image.

"For fuck's sake... I was drunk, Donnelly!" Shepard chimed in with such an innocent smile, making his knees go weak. "Fuck this. Fold."

Something went up for him. "Wait... What were you arguing about, exactly?"

"He called Cuddlesworth fat!"

Kaidan blinked. "Cu -Cuddlesworth?"

"The, ah... the Commander's hamster," Steve clarified with a soft smile, shrugging. "Sir Cuddlesworth Lightyear, to be precise."

 _"Space_ hamster, Steve," Shepard said. _"Space_ hamster."

Kaidan was convinced that Shepard had never sounded that insulted in his whole life.

 _How much has he been drinking again?_

"He's not fat," he added, leaning in. "He's fluffy, and deadly as hell, as he could go toe-to-toe with Zaeed or Jack and live through it. And Wrex. And Grunt. Hell, basically every krogan that has ever existed. At the same time." Kaidan's glance shifted between Vega and Ken. Vega looked stunned while Ken just shrugged. "That guy was asking for it."

Vega blinked. "Why was... a hamster at the bar with you?"

"Seriously, lieutenant?" he asked, scowling. "Can you even imagine how miserable being in a glass container for three years is? The little guy deserved some shore-leave. The whole damned crew is important to me. Lightyear included."

Vega held up his hands up in surrender. "Whoa, Loco. I get it, okay? Don't give Cuddlesworth any shit."

"Good."

Kaidan believed it was a joke at first, but when his eyes angled up to meet blue hue, he couldn't hold back the smile forming on his lips. Dead serious. Shepard was dead serious and standing by his word.

 _Hell... he was amazing._

Steve flipped 'the turn,' followed by another round, and then he dealt the last community card - 'the river.' After they had made their move, the results lay at the table.

Vega pumped a fist into the air. "Perfecto!"

"Oh, c'mon, bullshit!" Shepard called, shooting up from his seat. "That strategy would've worked! How the hell did you get Full House, Vega? Seriously, Steve, did you even shuffle the cards?"

Steve grinned. "Hey, don't blame me, Commander. It was a fair win."

It only now hit him that Shepard was going to strip.

He suddenly felt hot.

 _Oh god, why didn't I think of this?_

When losing a round, people always chose to undress the less revealing piece of cloth, normally a belt or something, but... Kaidan followed his hands, traversing to the edge of -

 _...what are you doing?_

His pupils dilated as Shepard yanked his shirt off over his head, following his every single movement, nearly mimicking a predator stalking its prey. He managed to blink, but no matter how hard he tried, his eyes simply refused to look away.

Kaidan swallowed hard.

Many thoughts fumbled in his head and neither of them were appropriate. Every last one of them consisted of slamming his body up against the wall and have his way with him. His heart was beating hard and he found himself breathless.

James chuckled. "Holy shit, Loco doesn't play around!"

"It's called a challenge, Vega." Shepard's confidence was at a high level, and for a damn good reason. "Keep staring like that, major - and your eyes are going to pop out."

He snapped back when realizing he was speaking.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Well, ah... Looking good, Commander."

 _Major understatement._

He could swear that Shepard winked at him before having a shirt launched at his face - breaking him from the trance as it blocked his view - nearly startling him. Kaidan coughed out a nervous laugh and moved the shirt away from his face again, only to see Shepard smirk at him with that damned smile of his, being contagious as hell. His glance wandered to Cortez and immediately regretted it, as he was given a knowing look, forcing Kaidan to look away and attempt to force the blush creeping up back down. Deep inside, he knew it was too late to cover it.

Thank god that Steve was a nice guy and never mentioned a word of it again.

Steve shuffled the deck and they play a few more times. The clock was nearing 1200 am so they decided to call it a day. Kaidan won, Vega landing on second place merely five points below, Shepard third and Ken ended up in nothing but his briefs. Gabby would never live it down.

Kaidan did however need a cold shower before turning in for the night.

* * *

Shepard had allowed himself to somewhat relax that night that he hadn't done in a while. It didn't take long before he slipped straight back into his commanding role without flinching, being the famous Commander Shepard that everyone knew. Liara wanted to see him before it became too late so Shepard invited her up to the cabin. Minutes later, he could hear a knock on the door.

"Come on in."

The door slid open and Liara walked in. "Thank you. Could we sit?" she asked, so Shepard gave her a nod and gestured her to the couch with his hand. She flashed him a kind smile that was contagious enough for him to return one. Liara was carrying some sort of device that he had never seen the like of before. "I've been thinking about the knowledge we gathered on the reapers, and how easily it could be lost again." She placed the device on the table and crouched down before it as Shepard plopped into the couch. "So... I set out a plan in motion to preserve things for the future."

She trailed a hand across the device and a blue-like sphere appeared.

Curious, he leant in, "What's this?"

"A record of the galaxy." She pulled herself up. "Information on the reapers, relays, different cultures... and blueprints of the Crucible. But there's one entry I wanted your opinion on."

"Which one?"

Liara pressed a nearly unrecognizable button. "Your own," she replied, and a small, holographic model of himself appeared before him. He straightened up. "I'd be honored to have your input. How would you like history to remember you?"

50,000 years was a long time for a computer to be functional, but Liara was an archaeologist, so she knew what she was doing. Liara was encasing the records in time capsules and seeding copies on multiple planets. She said it wasn't foolproof, but the VI she was going to install had every translation and linguistics program she could find, being very impressive. It was an information guide like Vigil on Ilos.

"You know me well enough to fill in the blanks, Liara."

She began to fidget. "I… are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'd like it to be your call."

Liara smiled and began to lightly pace. "I'll start by saying Commander Shepard was born on Earth and fought harder than anyone else for his homeworld. Shepard could handle any weapon in the galaxy. The Alliance never saw a deadlier soldier. While I didn't always agree with his decisions, I still respected them," she said, and her smile turned fonder "...and it was a privilege to know him."

"Careful this doesn't sound like a diary," he teased, leaning back as he squared an ankle over a knee.

She chuckled. "I can't help myself," she said, approaching him on the couch before placing herself next to him. Her eyes were soft as always. "You're a good friend, Shepard."

"You've been there for me, too, Liara."

Her smile noticeably faltered as she broke the eye contact. "No, I haven't. I wish I could have joined you back on Illium."

"You made up for it."

Liara's smile returned. "Well... I suppose I did just write your name in the stars."

Shepard returned the smile, but it gradually dissolved, remembering that he needed to ask her something.

"Hey... Liara. About what you said back at the _SR-1..."_

The smile didn't leave her lips. "That is in the past," she replied, before cocking a sly brow. "I have no intentions of separating you from Major Alenko." She knew. "Do yourself a favor, Shepard. Tell him."

He looked away with uncertainty.

"We both know there's a war on." He wasn't confirming nor denying. His voice faltered as he propped a hand to his thigh and leant forward. "There's no guarantee that any of us will make it through this."

"Then ask yourself... would you regret it?" she replied, and his jaw clenched. Liara settled her chin to rest at his shoulder. "You do not know, do you?" He felt his hand captured between hers, turned to meet her gaze, and she gently squeezed it. "Give yourself some happiness for once."

She pulled herself up from the couch. "Think about what I said. Goodnight, Shepard."

"You too, Liara," he replied. "I want you to come along for Eden Prime. We're going to need a prothean expert, after all. I can't think of anyone that can match your skill."

Liara's smile widened. "It... would be an honor."


	18. Ch 18: Leviathan

**Chapter 18: Leviathan**

* * *

" _Wait... are you asking me out?" - John Shepard_

In which Shepard argues with a coffee machine.

* * *

Kaidan took after his head and blinked the sleep away.

He had just gotten some shut-eye after he, Shepard and Liara returned from Eden Prime. It turned out that this prothean artifact was actually a living prothean. He went by the name of Javik, and wasn't exactly a friendly, as he referred to them all as 'primitives.'

Attempting to get used to the dim light in the room, he was thankful he hadn't forgotten to turn the lamp off. It usually happened when he had reports to finish up and wasn't able to keep his eyelids open for a moment longer. If he was exhausted, he could fall asleep in the chair, hunched over the data pads. It had happened on more than a few occasions and it was just as embarrassing each time.

The hammering in his head was killing him, thumping like crazy as if something buried deep inside it was trying to break out, preventing him from any restful sleep. The migraines could get intense, definitely, but he hadn't experienced any serious pain for at least a few months.

When his eyes got used to the soft light, he sighed and shoved himself up to sit, hunching forward as he rubbed his eyes. With weary movements, he planted his hands on the furniture beneath and rose. Kaidan approached the chair in the same room, snatched a pair of pants and a shirt, followed by throwing them on. The med-bay was always open at night in case any of the crewmembers needed supplies.

It was always that calm and soothing feeling when walking around the _SR-1_ at night, but this time around, the ship felt empty. Operated by a skeleton crew. Nevertheless, he only needed familiar, familiar faces around to feel at home. Shepard was a big help, too.

Hell... Shepard. To think that Kaidan had considered telling him how he felt for months without getting anywhere.

He stopped in a halt before he entered the med-bay as he could make out a familiar silhouette whose back was facing him, wearing jeans and a grey tank top, showing his muscular form.

Speaking of the devil.

Kaidan could barely contain the smile. "Look who's not supposed to be out of bed."

"Speak for yourself, major."

Making his way up to him, he said, "Mm... true. All right, then. You got me." Kaidan propped his arms to the counter and took a moment to study Shepard as he was tampering with the coffee machine. "What are you doing up at 4 am, anyway?"

"Trying to figure out how this damned thing works," he murmured, pushing every button. Kaidan was tempted to spare him the frustration, but even so, it was kind of amusing to watch. Closest thing to good entertainment these days. Shepard sighed heavily. "After - what's it been - six months? I should've gotten it covered by n -Dammit!"

Kaidan lightly bit into his lower lip not to laugh as his CO managed to jam the device. He watched in amusement as Shepard's hand balled into a fist to punch the lid, only jamming it more.

He might prefer diplomacy, but when it came to everyday matters like this, he wasn't exactly gentle.

"Here, let me do that," Kaidan said, figuring he had suffered enough. It wasn't exactly much space behind the counter, so he wrapped an arm around Shepard's waist to steady himself, switching place with him as he turned with his body. He could feel Shepard's muscles tensing at the contact and smirked at his reaction.

Kaidan bought a finger to one of the buttons. "There. Un-jammed."

"Wait, there's a button for when it gets jammed? I thought that was the logo," he murmured, rubbing the back of his neck before letting his hand drop. "What the hell do we need all these settings for, anyways? Seeing we have flying cars and AI's, is it so difficult for modern technology to just have _one_ button that says 'coffee'? They even have a heating button! Who the hell wants _cold_ coffee?"

Kaidan could honestly listen to Shepard ranting about coffee to his heart's content. Then again, he could listen to this very man talk about anything. No matter the subject, Shepard always made conversations interesting.

"If you want cold coffee you can just throw it in the fridge or something," he added, frustration in his voice. "Or wait an hour -" Folding his arms across his chest, Shepard pressed his hip to the counter. He froze when he turned back to Kaidan, seeing a cup being shoved towards him and released his arms again.

"Half-and-half, three sugar. That right?"

Shepard shifted. "Okay, that's..."

"I have good memory," he said, shoulders lifting in a shrug. "I mean, c'mon, you remembered what kind of alcohol I drink - being over thirty types and that's just without dextro - so don't look at me like that."

He blinked. "Point taken," Shepard said, taking a firm grip around the coffee. He allowed himself a sip, and judging by the way his brows curved, he was surprised by the flavor. "Damn, you're good at this."

"It's... an automatic coffee machine, Shepard."

"Well, yeah, but I've never managed to operate the damned thing. I always buy coffee on the Citadel. Made a bad habit at a young age to eat in the middle of the damn night, but hell... that was of way better quality, believe it or not. I originally came down here to eat, but... too much hassle to deal with it this late. I ain't exactly getting decent food on this ship, myself." He scoffed. "'Captain's mess' my ass."

"So you went for a drink instead, huh?"

"Uh-huh. Since I can't sleep, either... might as well take coffee."

He was curious now. "Want to talk about it?" he asked, and Shepard cocked a brow at him. He blinked again so he was pretty damn tired, having dark circles around his eyes and his - now dim blue - pupils didn't seem to be able to focus properly.

"What, you my therapist or something?"

"More of a 'concerned friend,' really."

Shrugging, Shepard muttered, "All right... you asked for it."

 _No objections? Well, that was new._

"Ever since we left Earth, I've had this really strange dream that keeps repeating itself," Shepard said. "More of a nightmare, really. Remember that kid back on Earth?"

Kaidan hesitated. "I... don't remember any kid, Shepard."

"Huh. That's... odd." He could swear he was surprised by his answer. "Anyways, this kid appears, can't be more than six or seven. I'm forced to follow him as he runs through some sort of forest where the trees are nothing but shadows. No leaves. Just branches. Like it's dead. It was in a way the same feeling I got when I returned to the shipwreck of the _SR-1._ Images kept flashing. Images of Pressly, Ash... That's the worst part. I see shadowy, oily silhouettes of those who didn't make it."

A lump formed in his throat. "Ash?"

Shepard nodded. "On Virmire," he said. "I keep asking myself if I could've done something. If Saren hadn't showed up when I got back to get you, and had to fight those waves of geth along the way, I could've -" Kaidan's eyes fell, and he could see the muscles in his hand tightening around the coffee. "Hell, I could've saved her, too."

"Shepard..."

He tightly closed his eyes. "Yeah, I know. I shouldn't think like that," he replied, letting out a sigh. His arms propped to it as steady fingers clasped around the coffee. "So I'm forced to follow this kid. He stops moving for me to catch up, but when I reach him, he starts running again. Laughing as if no worries faze him. When he finally stands still, he just... It's different each time but always ends up with the kid, burning in front of me, looking at me as if I had betrayed everyone back home. Lost and afraid. No one to help him. I've seen civilians die before, and it never gets any easier. But with the kid, I just... hell. I don't know. Maybe he just reminds me of myself when I was his age."

Kaidan looked away. "Yeah, I... I get that."

Shepard didn't have an easy childhood. Joining up in gangs just to get by, no parents to care for him, no credits to his name. It was amazing that he had survived through all that. Of course, the events on Akuze, stopping Sovereign and destroying the collector base were prime examples that Shepard was capable of almost everything.

Was there anything he was bad at?

He naturally found out that he was thinking too much because his head started to spin again.

"Headache, huh - want me to take care of it?" Shepard asked, having taking note of how he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"The painkiller supply's stocked. I've got it covered." Kaidan looked up from his hand, and decided to tease him. "If you can't operate a coffee machine, I'm not sure if I can trust you with my headaches, Shepard."

 _Was that a pout?_

Shepard nodded, ducked his head and studied the liquid in his cup, as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"I realize now I only open up when I'm drunk." Shepard frowned before meeting his gaze. "Hell, there's no alcohol in this, is there?"

He snorted. "No, Shepard. I think you're just starting to warm up to me."

Shepard smirked. "Don't flatter yourself," he replied, challenging Kaidan not to roll his eyes at him. "Drunk and tired as hell, apparently. How the hell do you get me to talk about this, Alenko?"

"Guess I just emit that kind of aura."

"I suppose you're right. Kinda helps. I think," he muttered, but quickly cleared his throat to get off-topic. "It's gotta be the lack of energy making me think like this. Damn, I need some real food soon."

He was always reluctant to accepting help.

"You and me both." Kaidan realized that it could be an opportunity for them to talk. "Hey, ah... if you get a moment, we should head out to the Citadel for a snack. I know a place that, ah... still has steak."

Shepard blinked. "Wait... are you asking me out?"

In some sense, he was. Even so, he didn't find it appropriate to call it a date. It was just a friendly snack that could maybe develop into something more. Telling him now wouldn't be much more different than to tell him then.

He swallowed and decided to just get it over with, but when he opened his mouth, he was cut off.

"That was -"

"-a joke," Kaidan finished.

"EDI?"

He nodded. "EDI."

"Told you you'd be getting along." Shepard's small, smug smile turned softer as Kaidan gave him an exasperated look. "Steak, huh? You certainly know your way into my heart, major. I'd love to."

Kaidan's eyes went wide as he carefully tried to process that.

 _Did he just say 'yes' to a date?_

He decided not to overthink things for once.

 _No, he said 'yes' to a friendly snack._

That was all there was.

"Great," he replied instead. "Hey, almost forgot." He made his way up to the coffee machine again and flipped the on/off switch. "This thing uses one hell of a lot of electricity, believe it or not. The crew has recently considered asking you to get it switched, and judging by what I saw tonight, I don't think that would be much of a problem. Who would've thought that coffee was the great Commander Shepard's worst enemy?"

Shepard chuckled.

He couldn't help the smile as he would never get tired of hearing his laugh. It was a rare thing so he made sure to enjoy it when he could. Kaidan turned to face him only to realize that he was standing merely two feet away.

 _Had he moved?_

Either that, or he had unconsciously done it himself, being an almost scary thought. Hell, as long as he didn't go as far as unconsciously kiss him, he would be fine. No matter how tempting it might be. Another thing he would never get tired of was Shepard's eyes. They had to be his favorite aspect about him. A feeling that once felt unfamiliar was now the exact opposite. The heat radiated between them as a familiar fragrance of aftershave met him. He could feel his head starting to throb even more.

Kaidan cleared his throat.

"Sorry, Shepard. I'd love to talk, but the, ah... the headache's acting up. I've got to take care of it," he said, and watched as Shepard threw his finished coffee into the trashcan. "Hell, you should get some sleep before you're forced to live on caffeine and cold showers."

"Goodnight, K. Don't let me keep you."

"You too, Shepard."

* * *

Hackett had contacted Shepard about a classified project.

 _blockquote'Commander, there's an Alliance researcher working on the Citadel named Dr. Garret Bryson. I need you to meet with him right away. Dr. Bryson has uncovered important new information about reapers that could have a direct bearing on the war. I'm officially directing you to support his efforts at the first possible opportunity. Please visit Bryson's laboratory on the Citadel at once.'/blockquote_

The dinner would have to wait.

The situation soon turned worse when Shepard arrived at the lab. Bryson's assistant Derek had gunned the doctor down, but when confronted, Derek couldn't remember doing it. He could only remember being somewhere cold and said, "The darkness cannot be breached."

Indoctrination.

A man named Garneau had recovered an artifact that they kept in the lab. The artifact was responsible as there was bigger things at stake. Bryson had found out about a sentient being called 'The Leviathan' that had opposed the reapers centuries before. If Leviathan agreed to help them, the chance of defeating the reapers would increase greatly, but when they located the creature at the bottom of the ocean on 2181 Despoina in Psi Tophet - by launching a probe - their shuttle was disabled and sent them crashing. Geth were attacking. There was no way they could get back into the shuttle without disabling the pulse that knocked it out of the air.

"Then we aren't getting out of here until we find it," Shepard said. "So how do we do that?"

Steve scouted the area. "Well... you might be able to use a mech. Looks like it's rigged for diving."

"Well, if that's what we have to do, let's get started."

Frowning, Kaidan said, "Wait a minute here, are we seriously considering -?"

"First, we'll need to restore power to get that cargo door open," Cortez said.

"How?" Shepard asked.

Liara turned to Kaidan. "I suppose we are."

It wasn't long before Shepard took a firm hold of the diving mech's frame, pulling himself up and placing himself in it, taking a hold of the controls before it shut after him. He pulled up the mech's frame again when he saw Kaidan approach him.

"Shepard, I've got to say... I'm not too crazy about this plan."

"We've come too far to stop now. The way home is through Leviathan."

"Okay, oxygen pressure is nominal. Systems are a go," Cortez said, and went over a system check on his omni-tool before glancing up at him with an apologetic look. "It's as ready as I can make it."

"Let's go."

Kaidan stepped forward. "But Shepard..."

His eyebrows slightly arched as Kaidan regained his attention. There was something unusually soft about his voice and it confused him to no end. Shepard looked him right into his eyes before frowning somewhat suspiciously.

He flagged it off at it was probably nothing.

Shepard cleared his throat. "I'll be fine," he replied, and offered a small smile. "After all, you owe me dinner."

Seeing the subtle upturn of Kaidan's amazing lips was one hell of a sight. For a moment they held the glance before he was given a nod. Shepard turned back to the controls. The diving mech started heading towards the watery depths.

* * *

"Suit holding up, Commander?" Steve asked into the omni-tool.

Kaidan propped his hands to his hips as he averted his eyes with a feeling of dread deep in his abdomen. He glanced at Steve above his shoulder. They had no idea how deep the water was in the unknown territory. It could be miles.

 _"Looks good so far."_

It was a relief to hear his voice.

"Good," Steve said. "I'm getting some comm interference on this end. Hang on."

 _"Copy that."_

They heard static.

"Commander, can you read me?" Steve asked, slightly starting to pace after he received no response. "We're losing your signal. Something is blocking your comm. Please respond."

 _"Cortez?" *static*_

"Shepard?" he tried again, but there was no use. "Hell, I lost the signal." Kaidan's abdomen churned in unnatural ways. "I'll try to boost it, but there's no guarantee that it'll work -"

"More geth, take cover!" Liara called, and drew her assault rifle.

Kaidan pulled out his own firearm and could do nothing but hope for the best. They covered Cortez as he tried to create a new comm-link to reach Shepard. The time was moving slowly on the surface. Far too slow. It felt like forever as geth were constantly attacking. _Cryo Blasts_ and _Warp_ bullets were flying all over the place.

 _Hell, you better be all right, Shepard..._

Minutes passed. He had no idea how long it had been. The unwavering waves of geth wore them all down greatly. Liara had begun to get sloppy, just as he, as they were becoming restless. More and more geth stormed them with no sign of Shepard. After what felt like an hour, they finally heard movement by the sea, and Kaidan took Liara's covering fire to his advantage to be able to briefly tilt his head up. He felt he could breathe out as the diving mech came out of the water. Shepard was alive. He couldn't see him clearly, as he was forced back into cover, but he knew he needed to get to him. Those two brutes that had appeared would kill him if he didn't.

Seeing Shepard pull himself up from the frame, only to be forced onto his knees in exhaustion, made his heart jump in concern. He was bleeding from his nose and couldn't even stand upraised.

 _What the hell happened down there?_

The two brutes suddenly turned against each other, but caring for nothing else but Shepard, he didn't waste a moment to move.

"Cover me!" he called, and Liara responded with a nod before he sprinted over to Shepard. Kaidan threw his arm around his shoulder and pulled him up. A muffled pain sound emitted from Shepard's mouth as he took after his side, his head bowed and heavy.

Kaidan tightened his grip around him. "Shepard's back! Cortez, talk to me."

 _"We're good to go! I don't know what the Commander did, but the pulse is offline."_

The shuttle landed a few feet away, and after Kaidan guided him safely through the geth and brutes, they finally reached it. Gently but determinedly launching Shepard into the shuttle, he followed. He was forced to take an even tighter hold of him as Shepard nearly collapsed onto the floor and was showing little attempt at keeping himself upraised.

Kaidan turned to Liara. "Liara, c'mon!"

She shot a couple more geth on her way before she hopped up. The door shut behind them. Turning back to Shepard, his eyes went wide as he quickly crouched down next to his unconscious body.

"By the goddess..." she muttered.

"Shepard..." Kaidan whispered, and took his face in his hands. He received no reply. His blue eyes were closed and he could feel that he was ice cold even through his gauntlets. In desperation, he didn't waste a moment to pull up his omni-tool and ready the medi-gel.

Kaidan felt the panic set in. "Shepard, can you hear me? He's freezing!"

In the moment Shepard regained consciousness, he was thrown into a fit of coughing, catching his breath as he sat up.

"You okay?" Kaidan asked, amazed how leveled his voice was. His heart was beating vehemently.

Shepard coughed. "Yeah..." he swallowed, and pulled himself into a seat. "Yeah, I'm fine. Hell of a headache." Using a knuckle, he wiped the blood away from below his nose. Shepard was shaking lightly, obviously freezing as he pulled off his gauntlets. He rubbed his hands together and brought them to his full lips, blowing hot air into them as he shut his eyes tightly.

"Here, you should get that armor off. I'll keep you warm," Kaidan said.

Somewhat startled, Shepard looked up, and he found himself worrying if he'd overstepped his bounds. Nevertheless, Shepard's expression just softened and he nodded. It didn't take much effort to get his armor off, and even if he'd seen Shepard shirtless before, that didn't make it any easier. He kept his briefs on, thankfully, and Kaidan stripped down to his under armor. He settled against the side of the shuttle, and Shepard pressed his cheek to his chest, lying on his side with tightly shut eyes.

To get the process going, he activated his biotics.

"How the hell are you so warm, Alenko?"

Kaidan chortled. "I don't know. Maybe 'cause I didn't use a barely operable diving mech," he teased, and gave Steve a playful grin. Steve just smiled, shook his head and turned back to the controls. "Biotics run hot, remember?"

"Right," he grunted, and shifted wearily. "K, your gun's pressing into my hip."

Carefully glancing aside, he spotted his firearm lying on the floor, and he froze. He 'adjusted' himself and could only hope that Shepard hadn't realized what just happened. It certainly didn't help that he got a knowing look from both the pilot and co-pilot that made his cheeks go warm. Five minutes later, Shepard had blacked out entirely.

"Never do that again," Kaidan whispered, when he knew he couldn't hear him.

* * *

It was nice to have everybody back on dry land, so to speak, seeing that Shepard had scared the crap out of him with those risky stunts. Even so, those risky stunts were part of what he loved about him. Shepard had managed to meet up with Leviathan itself and convinced it to help them in the war, being one hell of a war asset, and Shepard never ceased to amaze him. Things had been quiet since the dive that Shepard had performed.

It took some convincing, but he was finally able to get him to relax for a while. Take a couple hours off.

Kaidan was waiting at Apollo's.

It was time to come clean to John Shepard. He has a lot he wanted to say but had no idea how to approach it. This was the only way to find out. At least Shepard agreed to show up. Small steps. They promised to never bring up Horizon again and let it slide so everything was good between them. That might once again come in jeopardy considering what he was just about to do.

He sensed movement heading towards the café, halfway expecting it to be Shepard. He had arrived ten minutes early, so he hadn't expected him to come that soon. He startled when a woman he had never seen before propped into the chair opposite the table. She was covered in tattoos, had dark brown hair tied up in a ponytail with shaved sides, blood red lips and heavy makeup around her eyes.

She looked like someone you didn't mess with.

"Alenko, right?" she asked, and the stunned expression on Kaidan's face was apparently a good enough answer. "Then listen up, pretty-boy. A little bird told me that the Commander wants to fuck you."

 _He... what?_

Kaidan had never seen her in his entire life. Was she Shepard's sister? Friend, maybe? Hell... his girlfriend? Wife?

"I know that little shit damned well and I know he's a pussy when it comes to relationships," she added. "He's fucking fragile beneath his stupid ass face so I'm here to let you know that if you break his fucking heart, I will destroy you. Do you hear me?" He only managed a slow nod as an answer and she pulled back up from the chair. "Good. We're done here." He was about to ask, but she had already stormed off, so he averted his eyes and stared blankly at the table before him.

 _Okay, that was terrifying._

After a moment of silence, he pulled himself up from the table in hope that he could catch up to her, ask her who she was and how she knew. However, he nearly managed to barge into a slightly taller figure standing before him.

"Whoa, hey. Sorry, I know I'm late."

Kaidan felt a faint blush fill his cheeks.

"Shepard."


	19. Ch 19: Sanity Check

**Chapter 19: Sanity Check**

* * *

" _You... head-butted a krogan?" - Kaidan Alenko_

In which our two leads hook up (finally.)

* * *

The last thing he wanted was for Shepard to believe he was about to ditch him. That was as far away from the truth as it could get.

What that woman said had still not left his thoughts. He hoped that there was some truth in her statement. If Shepard actually did have feelings for him, like she said - well she didn't really _say_ that - she said that Shepard wanted to...

He flagged it off.

"A friend stopped me by the entrance. She's been pretty upset lately and has a tendency to snap at people," Shepard said, and Kaidan nearly startled when he snapped his fingers. "You all right, K? You look like you've been forced to sit through 'Blasto'."

"No, I -I wasn't planning to..." He cut himself off and took a moment to recollect his thoughts. His _friend._ Relief washed through his body. He snorted and propped back into the chair. "I think I just met her. She put me in a, ah... interesting position a few moments ago. Thought I could catch up with her. Sorry. I didn't mean to worry you."

"Oh no," Shepard said, and slid into the other chair. "Jack, right? I know she comes out as a bit harsh, but she's got a heart of gold."

"I'm sure she does. You always choose the best company."

He squared an ankle over his knee and leant back. "You're not the first to tell me that. Sure, that was before I involved myself with Cerberus, went buddy-buddy with Aria, convinced Blood Pack, Eclipse and Blue Suns to help out in the war and head-butted some jackass of a krogan."

Kaidan blinked. "You... head-butted a krogan?"

"Why not? I gained the shaman's respect. Had one hell of a headache for the rest of the day, though."

That didn't exactly come as a surprise.

The waitress approached them with the menus. They were technologically advanced at most cafés these days, all the menus being data pads, only having to check boxes next to what people wanted to order and send it in. Shepard released a singular whistle.

"Surprised this place could still get supplies for a menu like this," Kaidan muttered.

"Don't give me any ideas," he replied, and Kaidan couldn't help but smile at the deep frown by his brows. "I wouldn't be surprised if they were dealing with black market stuff around here for cheap. This menu is a complete rip-off, though. Don't want to get court-martialed for getting a 'positive' on a drug test if they snuck anything in when I have to pay _this_ much to even eat here. So, yeah... It's better not to ask how."

Shepard straightened up. "Or _where."_

Kaidan let his arms drop to the tabletop. "Head-butting krogans and overpriced illegal service aside..." he murmured, unable to hide the smirk forming at his mouth. "I'm glad we're taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check."

"You and me both. Things have been... pretty crazy."

That was an understatement. In only a few years, the _Normandy_ had stopped a rogue Spectre, killed a reaper and destroyed a collector base. The reapers were still out there and a bigger fight than the both combined. The final battle was just around the corner and they were determined to end the reaper cycle for good.

"It sure has," Kaidan muttered. "You know... my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars, and... there weren't enough moments like this. With people I care about."

He was given a subtle, suspicious smile. "How are you feeling these days?"

"Feeling up to whatever the reapers throw at me." Kaidan tried to surpass the worries before them and returned an appreciative smile "...and grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax."

Shepard leant in and he could feel his knee bumping into his own by the movement. The touch sent electricity through his body. The contact lingered and neither of them moved. Kaidan simply pretended not to notice, being neither dismissive, nor accepting. Shepard must've seen through it, because the next thing he remembered was glimpsing a small, roguish smirk forming at his mouth.

"Yeah, I think it's time for us to have a heart-to-heart." Shepard's way of phrasing makes him curious. "So..." He peered at the menu in Kaidan's hand and wasn't as subtle as he probably thought. "What are you drinking?"

Kaidan snorted, well-aware that he was avoiding the subject, and tilted the pad in an angle so that it was out of his view.

"If you're trying to butter me up, it'll might take a nice steak sandwich, too."

"So?"

He watched as Shepard casually leant back in the chair again - aware that his intentions were busted - moving his eyes back to his own. Kaidan couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed when the warmth of his body retracted at the movement.

"A shot of whiskey and a good 'ol Canadian lager. Think they have it?"

Shepard looked up. "More likely to have Batarian Shard Wine," he said, and pulled up his chair closer to him. Kaidan arched a brow and put the menu he held aside when Shepard leant in to show him. "Right there." He tapped the pad. "Batarian Shard Wine."

"Mm... that doesn't prove anything."

He unconsciously draped an arm around Shepard's chair for their shoulders not to bump into each other. Shepard didn't seem to notice.

With his other hand, Kaidan shuffled the page from B, down to C. He couldn't exactly say that he was surprised by the lack of light drinks such as Canadian lager. Hell, they had drinks that could knock a human off his or her feet in just a sip.

Kaidan sighed. "Okay. I'll give you that one. So what do you think?"

"Well, let's see." Shepard scrolled it up again. "We've got Batarian Ale, Frozen Pyjak, Full Biotic Kick... Hey, that sounds like something for you. Do you think they serve turian instructors, too?"

 _You did not just go there..._

"Oh, wow. That's a low blow." Shepard didn't fail keeping a deadpan look at Kaidan's poor attempt at sounding serious. "Do they have something like, I don't know... The First Human Spectre, Don't Know Crap About Biotics and Can't Operate Coffee Machines -Heh!"

He had just received an elbow in his abdomen. Kaidan was forced to hunch slightly forward and took after it. He chuckled.

 _Worth it._

Shepard started listing up the rest of the available drinks but Kaidan must've trailed off rather quickly. He had blocked everything out except from the man before him. He heard his voice but he didn't exactly listen to the words. Something about beer. Probably what he was planning on ordering. A faint smile tugged at the corners of Kaidan's mouth as he thoroughly studied him. Every line and every scar. Shepard was too absorbed in the list of drinks to even notice and must've read something funny as he lightly bit his lower lip.

Now _that_ did strange things to him.

He realized that he could just take a quick peak at where Shepard's was looking, but his eyes stayed at his mouth. He wanted nothing more than kiss him right there, find out if his lips were as soft as they looked, feel them against his own and find out how he tasted like. Kaidan's faint, small but soft smile soon faltered as he looked away not to do anything he'd regret, only to swear he saw something moving by the far wall. He narrowed his eyes as he took his hand back and straightened up.

He felt like he was being watched.

"So what's it going to be, K?"

Kaidan blinked. "Huh?" he uttered, and Shepard cocked a brow at him. "Oh, right... I -I guess I'll just take a light beer."

 _Hell, maybe a strong one so I can get through this. A *really* strong one._

He could blame it on the alcohol if things didn't go as planned.

Casting a glance where he was previously looking, he saw nothing.

Shepard probably believed he was crazy or something. It must've been nothing. He was aware it could just be nerves. Shepard decided not to comment and ordered the drinks. Kaidan's attention drifted to the local and he took in the picture. He realized how much he missed Canada. His other home, away from the _Normandy_ and the Alliance. He would visit Vancouver again when all this was over if he lived to see the end of this war and bring Shepard along as he had wanted to see it.

"At my parents place in Vancouver," Kaidan said. "Drank more than a few beers, looking over English Bay. Yeah... beautiful view."

"You get the chance to prove it to me one day."

Kaidan smiled again. "Yeah, that -that's a promise I intend to keep," he replied, before his look gradually went mischievous. "So, let me guess... you'll be having the same as me... steak sandwich - but with extra hot sauce."

"You know me so well."

Shepard had been the tip of the spear throughout all this. Being stressed 24/7 was bad for morale and Shepard deserved some shore leave (and extra hot sauce.) The fight was far from over, but he needed to take a moment for himself, or he would burn out. He was human, after all. Kaidan wanted to be there for him, support him, and let him know that he wasn't not alone in all this.

He wanted to be Shepard's soft place to land.

"You know what, though? I feel good about our chances," Kaidan said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Helps me sleep better at night."

Shepard's features softened ever so slightly. "I thought it was just a one-time thing," he said, recalling back to their late-night coffee talk a few days ago. "You're not sleeping, Kaidan?"

"Maybe a little restless," he muttered, nodding solemnly. "But it's not the headaches that keeps me up."

 _Hell... here goes,_ he thought, being the reason why he asked him to meet up in the first place. _Where do I start?_

He figured that it'd come naturally, but hell, Shepard has to have noticed the concern reflecting in his eyes. Kaidan exhaled and tightened his brows before he let the words flow.

"It's just... You plan a career, you focus, then... suddenly the world's ending and it's too late to, uh... to find someone."

 _Doing good so far._

The two hadn't exactly spoken much about their partners except from Ace and Kaidan's attraction to Rahna - a girl he spent a lot of time with back at BAaT - even if they weren't in a relationship. Shepard had earlier said that he reminded him of Ace. Kaidan was holding onto that sliver of hope that he, sometime in the near future, could be the same as he was for Shepard. A potential lover. It felt right. Hell, for all he knew, Shepard was already taken. Maybe even married.

He cringed at the thought but at least he wasn't wearing a ring.

A sudden uncertainty clouded his mind. He gave Shepard's hand a quick and discreet glance, to no avail, as his right palm covered his left. Was he wearing a ring? He couldn't tell. Had he missed his chance because he was too blind to see it? Even back at the _SSV Normandy SR-1,_ it was obvious. Ashley saw it. Liara saw it. It had been there all along in front of his very eyes. Hell, even Cortez knew -

"Someone?"

Kaidan snapped back. "Yeah, _someone._ Someone... strong, and... confident. Someone I admire, and respect, and enjoy being with," he continued, and leant back to get a better look at him. He trailed his face up, from his mouth, his stubble, his sharp cheekbones. They settled at his favorite aspects colored blue. They had regained their color. He couldn't help but reveal a small smile.

"...someone handsome." Shepard cocked a brow at his addition. Kaidan snorted, realizing it sounded far cheesier than he thought it would. "Tall order, I know. But... I don't really have to look far."

 _About three feet._

Swallowing, Kaidan muttered, "Shepard..."

Shepard moved his arm to rest atop of his own chair, leant back and looked over his shoulder. No ring. Kaidan could breathe out.

"There's a lot of guys here, K. You got those two turians standing over there. Turians are tall, right? Not particularly handsome, though. Either that or I'm just too used to seeing Garrus' face. I advised him to slap some face-paint on there, but he doesn't seem to care. Something about 'women likes scars'," he said, and gestured his hand. "Then there's the krogan, the security guards -"

Kaidan tightly closed his eyes. "Hey, just... just stop being a wise-ass for half a second."

"Okay, fine," he replied, and turned back. "I'm kidding. Garrus _is_ handsome." Shepard fell into a pause. "For a turian." Kaidan exhaled, taking after the bridge of his nose, wallowing in self-pity, wondering if he was doing this on purpose or not.

After another pause, Shepard spoke again. "Hell, you're serious, aren't you?"

Kaidan let his hand drop to the table again, moving his glance back to Shepard whose expression had changed. He could swear he looked intrigued, definitely surprised, but maybe it was just him. Their drinks arrived but Shepard didn't move his eyes away from him as if he was trying to figure him out. Kaidan gave the waitress a nod in thanks that received a smile in reply, and just like that, she was gone again.

His gaze wandered to Shepard again. He had to come clean. It would eat away at him if he didn't.

"Just... hear me out, okay?" he asked, and saw Shepard's arm drop to the table. "We've been friends a long time, Shepard. Have you ever known me to be with anyone? I'm guessing I'm just choosy, or patient, or... I don't know."

 _For god's sake, just say it already._

He broke the eye contact, centering his attention to the table before him. Kaidan knew he was already stuttering and that was traumatizing enough. He knew that it was too late to back out now.

Kaidan sucked in a breath. "Maybe I've never found -" he tried, but decided to rephrase. "What I want... is something deeper with someone that I already..." He moved his eyes to settle at the other's again with a vulnerable gaze.

"...care about."

With the tiny ounce of information he had shared, he was hoping that Shepard could connect the dots, debrief the information. He wasn't going to leave himself vulnerable in the open by saying it directly.

 _/"I always leave a way out, you know that."/_

"Someone I've known a long time," he added "...someone that forgave me even after all the bullshit I've put him through." Kaidan clenched his jaw. "A forgiveness that I sure as hell don't deserve. Not by a longshot." He sighed while his eyes closed. "That's what I want," he breathed, before his eyes fluttered open again. "What do _you_ want?"

A puzzled look shrouded Shepard's face that almost made him look...

 _I don't know... angry?_

"What _*I*_ want? I don't see how that's relevant -" His brows curved. Kaidan could tell that it caught him off-guard. He was a commander. A strategist. He needed to be prepared for everything. Shepard blinked. "Wait... You and me?" he asked, before a suspicious smile quirked his lips. "Is _that_ what you're saying, Kaidan?"

He wasn't leaving him a way out.

Kaidan was concerned about that very thing and he really didn't need his pride to be wounded in the middle of the Presidium. He was hoping that his heart would slide back into place by the way Shepard said that. His tone was even gentler than back at Huerta Memorial where he obviously flirted with him. Kaidan had however learned not to get his hopes up. He had to take a chance.

"It feels right... doesn't it?"

The anticipation was killing him when Shepard looked lost in thought. He could swear he was trying to find the nicest way to let him down. Find the right words. He didn't want to get rejected. Not by Shepard. Not after it had taken him over a year to figure out that he wanted to be more than friends. Just the thought of rejection had his abdomen churn, but hell, he knew he didn't have the right to ask for more.

Kaidan released the breath he didn't even realize he still held.

"My god, just... just forget I ever said anything, okay? This is, ah... this is really not working out for me. I'm not trying to put you on the spot or anything, but after all this time, I..." Kaidan clenched his jaw, tightly closing his eyes. "Sorry, Shepard. I went out of line."

 _Of course he won't forget it. Who am I kidding?_

He had no idea where he was going with this so it was better not to say anything at all. His eyes fluttered open again when he could feel warmth brushing against his cheek.

On impulse, he leant away, but stopped uncertainly as he turned back to face him.

The muscles in his jaw clenched. His expression softened seeing the warm look on Shepard's face. He could feel his knees go weak again. Blue hue looked him straight into his brown. He then slowly pressed his cheek into his touch.

"You seemed decisive then, major. Why so hesitant now?"

A gentle thumb moved to caress his temple in a way that made his body tremble at the contact, glance focusing on where he touched, his look stoic. Eyes angled sideways to meet his again. He opened his mouth to reply but no sound came out. His heart had started to beat more rapidly. He tried not to think about how the tip of Shepard's thumb was cautiously moving against his skin. Careful, steady movements, making him swallow. Judging by how his body seemed to have a mind of its own, the way it shivered at the sensation, it was difficult not to. He was just _touching_ him, for god's sake, and it wasn't like he hadn't been touched like that before.

For a moment, they just looked at each other, and he couldn't tear his eyes away.

"...did my turian joke turn you off?"

Kaidan smacked his hand away. "Oh my god, you ass," he said, grinning. Shepard leant back with a small smile as the eye contact was broken. His own gradually went lackluster. "Yeah, I -I get it, Shepard... but I'm 35. I can take 'no' for an answer."

A deep pit had left its mark in his abdomen as he put on a brave face.

It hurt.

Goddamn, it hurt.

He knew that if he'd try to speak, it'd only come out strangled, and he felt the sudden urge to leave. Escape.

Shepard always covered over serious questions with jokes when he wanted to avoid having to answer. He had been convinced he could be content just having Shepard in his life, but now, now it felt like every light for that to happen had been extinguished.

"Who said 'no'?"

His eyes shot open.

 _What?_

"There's no point in winning a war if we don't know the reason to why we fight," Shepard said, and averted his eyes. "Having something to come back to, it'd... be nice to have someone to turn to. Someone to live for... maybe love." He frowned. "Hell, that sounded way better in my head."

Shepard was almost being as cryptic as he was.

His chest tightened beneath his civvies. He waited for someone to pinch him awake, not fully believing that this was truly happening, realizing that this wasn't simple battlefield flirting. This was real. His confidence was back in place as he had Shepard in the palm of his hand.

Kaidan snorted. "Someone?" he prompted, a smile creeping up on his face.

He was impatiently pushing for a more specific answer. It was payback for putting him on the spot like that. They were comrades, brothers-in-arms, and maybe now... maybe more. He could see the muscles in Shepard's jaw tightening. He turned but he didn't meet his eyes at first.

 _"You,_ Kaidan." He finally looked up, and their eyes collided.

The walls they both had built tumbled down with a simple sentence. It was as if a heavy weight had lifted off his shoulders. His hands connected as he leant in towards the table to make sure he was hearing correctly, listening to him with his whole body, lips tugging ever upwards.

Shepard blinked. "Huh. It does. It does feel right," he muttered. "After all this time." He snorted. "You and me... I like that. A lot."

Kaidan knew he was internally grinning but managed a professional smile. He had little against showing small amounts of public affection but things like that took time to get used to. They were also in plain view.

"And that... makes me so happy... and there are benefits for that happiness."

"Really?" Shepard murmured husky, and he could swear his heart jumped at his suggestive tone. He wanted to laugh. This was actually happening, and goddamn, it felt good.

Kaidan returned his mischievous look. "Yes..." he said, leaning back. _"Really."_

"What'd you call it?" Shepard dragged a hand after his drink, lifting the glass to his mouth. "A sanity check?"

"Hmm. Sanity check."

In time, the waitress approached them with their order, realizing that they had been speaking for longer than he thought. At worst when he had been eating out, it usually ended up with him digesting half his drink before even getting the food, that always arrived about an half hour after the drinks. Kaidan had yet not entirely taken what just happened in. He had confessed to Shepard and he had agreed to give it a shot.

 _Give *us* a shot._

Thinking about all this made him wonder just how long Shepard had felt the same way. The realization part could be tricky. If it was a thing that went up right now, or if it had lingered in the back of his mind for a while, choosing not to act upon it. Maybe for the same reason as Kaidan. He had felt slight uneasiness each time Shepard approached him back on the _SR-1,_ but convinced himself that it was just the 'superior rank' thing and worrying about going out of line, when he later found out that it went deeper than that.

The vague sound coming from the back of Shepard's throat interrupted his thought-process.

"Thank god. I'm starving."

Kaidan angled his eyes Shepard's way, blinking a few times, as he realized he trailed off again. He proceeded to grin widely at the way Shepard nearly launched at the steak sandwich.

"Uh-huh," he uttered. _I can see that._

"I honestly can't begin to explain how glad I am to take a break from the damned mess rations," Shepard said, mouthful of food. He wouldn't exactly describe it as adorable, but... yeah, okay. It was adorable. "I mean, hell, it's better than the _SR-1_ \- but not nearly good enough. You know, I'm planning on sending in a complain-mail with extra exclamation points to Hackett, let him know that if he wants the _Normandy_ on top we need _real_ food. Threaten him to send Wrex to head-butt them into submission."

Shepard turned back. "What?"

"Hmm? Nothing." Kaidan cleared his throat, making a hand gesture towards his mouth. "Shep, you, ah... you've got hot sauce... Yeah."

As if completely unaware of what he was talking about, Shepard looked like a puzzle. Kaidan stared for a little longer in hope he would get it but angled his eyes up only to meet the same confused look. He sighed and straightened up, reached for his face and gently wiped the sauce away from the corner of Shepard's lips with his thumb. With a smug smirk, he pinned Shepard with a glare again, bringing it to his own mouth.

Shepard's brows furrowed. "Are you trying to seduce me, K?"

"What? I would never..."

His smirk morphed into a grin. Hell, if Shepard's eyes wouldn't be the death of him, his smile certainly would. It didn't take long before Kaidan found himself at a loss of words. Shepard was completely fine with all this as he was starting to heavily flirt back.

 _Just how long has he felt this way about me?_

"Second thoughts?"

Kaidan's eyes widened. "No!" he blurted out, turning back. Shepard blinked, making him realize he had said it just a little too quickly. He let out an embarrassed chuckle. "No... not at all. This, ah... This just worked out a lot better than I had expected. I mean, I ah... I hadn't really prepared for the outcome. Or... where to go from here."

It has been a while since he last was in a relationship.

Shepard chewed slowly. "Well, the night is still young," he muttered, looking away. "I could go for shooting the Illusive Man in the face. That's romantic, right?"

"You've got a funny idea of 'romantic'."

"We could always steal a skycar. You know, go somewhere we're not supposed to be, take in the views. At night of course, so simply the synthetic headlights encompass the path ahead, seeing other skycars roam by as we use autopilot," he replied. _"Then_ kick the Illusive Man's door down... and shoot him in the face."

"Wow, Shepard. That almost sounds... nice."

Shepard took ahold of his beer, flashing an expressionless look, sideways studying his face before he winked at him above the glass.

Minutes passed as the two were just talking. About everything. Shepard was sure to make it clear that if Garrus ever said he was better at him in shooting firearms - and had living proof that he beat Shepard at the Citadel - it was all a lie because he had allowed him to win.

"What did Jack want, anyways?" Shepard asked, finishing his second sandwich. "Something tells me I should know."

Kaidan smirked. "Well, ah... she might've told me that you had a thing for me," he replied, and watched as Shepard stopped in mid-chew to resemble a deer in headlights. "She also threatened me on my life. So just a friendly chat, really."

"You've got a funny idea of 'friendly'," he said, as Kaidan moved his own glass to his mouth. "Can't imagine how you're in bed."

The beer traversed into the wrong pipe, making him cough, and sputter violently. He could literally feel a crimson flush spreading up from under his collar. Shepard cocked a sly brow, appearing pleased with his reaction, but no change in his expression away from that.

 _Real smooth, Kaidan. Not even a 'stick around and maybe you'll find out.'_

It was cliché, sure, but better than giving him a front-line demonstration that he can't ingest liquid properly. Wow, okay, thanks to Shepard he now took everything sexual.

 _Dammit._

He collected himself. "Well," he said, clearing his throat. "I'll let you figure that one out..."

Shepard gave him a challenging but deadpan look before his omni-tool lit up. His eyes darted away from his face and down to the holographic interface, before he swept a finger across the screen, opening the message.

...

 _'Shep,'_

 _'Just fuck already and get your sore ass down to the Purgatory Bar. Be there in five or I'm leaving. My students are useless without me and I can't be away for long without them going all sappy and shit. This is your last warning.'_

 _'-Jack'_

...

p"I've got to meet up with Jack in five." Shepard reached for his pocket. "Since I don't have a death wish, I -"/p

Kaidan captured his wrist. "Whoa, hey..." he said, stopping him in his movement. Shepard tilted his head up with a puzzled look as Kaidan brushed a thumb against his ulna. "What are you doing?"

"Splitting the tab."

"This one's on me, Shepard." Shepard opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off. "Not a word. I'm paying, and hey, that's final." His smile turned somewhat mischievous. "I'm sure you'll find a way to make it up to me."

Blue eyes narrowed before moving down to his mouth, his own smirk slightly growing, knowing that he was thoroughly studied.

Shepard looked up. "I'm sure I will. You have no idea what you've just gotten yourself into, major."

"Mm... I intend to find out."

"Good." Shepard pulled up from the chair, and planted a hand at the table before him before bending down to his ear "...then find me later." His voice had lowered into a murmur, enough to send shivers down his spine.

Kaidan slightly tilted his head towards him.

His mouth mirrored his, but as he was about to reduce the distance between them, a smirk reflected in Shepard's features. He then backed up. Kaidan couldn't hold back the grin when Shepard walked away, part of the reason being getting an excellent view of his ass again. The other reason was because he saw the spark in Shepard's eyes, and hearing the way he said that, he knew exactly what he meant.


	20. Ch 20: Reflections

**Chapter 20: Reflections**

* * *

 _"_ _So is there a reason to why you shut off the camera, major?" - John Shepard_

In which our two leads shares a sober kiss (finally.)

* * *

 **A/N:** I was listening to "Reflections" by Clint Mansell and Sam Hulick (Mass Effect 2 soundtrack - the one playing during the sex scene/looking at the picture of Kaidan or Ashley as the LI) when I wrote the ***MINOR SPOILER FOR CHAPTER*** foreplay for the kiss. Wow, it really does set the tone, eh? Try it!

 **06.10.2016:** I did change Shepard's psychological profile from War Hero to Sole Survivor as I wanted to have a completely default Shepard - so if you're confused by that - here's the reason. I've edited the previous chapters to be about Akuze and not Elysium :)

* * *

Shepard didn't know what to believe at first. What just happened at Apollo's has yet to sink in. In one moment, Kaidan was talking about the reaper situation, in the next he had begun opening up about wanting to find someone. Seeing Kaidan with someone else? It was selfish but the thought made him uneasy. Shepard had cocked a brow when he had said 'handsome.' He was convinced that one had just accidentally slipped. Refer to a woman as 'handsome' and you're bound to receive a real mean right-hook.

He did once for the heck of it and wisely decided never to do it again.

Therefore, Shepard decided to tease him to get off topic, but Kaidan wouldn't budge. When asked what _he_ wanted, Shepard eventually realized that he was talking about _him,_ and that made his head do cartwheels. Strong. Confident. Someone he admired and respected. Someone he enjoyed being with. Those were Kaidan's _descriptions_ of Shepard. He had been in denial that Kaidan felt something for him for three years. Shepard was a former criminal and a real jackass who went head first into battle. His flirting was horrible and so was his jokes. So how could perfect Kaidan 'by the book' Alenko feel something for him when he can have whomever he wants?

That reminded Shepard of Rahna. How she bailed out on Kaidan for snapping their instructor's neck to protect her. It angered Shepard how she could do that to him when he obviously cared about her. He could understand the shock but just stop talking to him like that was crossing a line. When Kaidan was seventeen, he accidentally killed his instructor, and regretted it immediately. When Shepard was seventeen, he killed two Alliance Officers without a second thought, for a tiny amount of money.

It was obvious who was the better man.

Jack's fury would also be at Kaidan's tail. Kaidan knew this, and yet, he was willing to risk it.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Jack murmured too low for hearing, when he made his way up to her. She raised his voice. "If you don't wipe that stupid grin off your face I'm going to have to do it myself with a _Shockwave!"_

* * *

Shepard was feeling rusty on the battlefield now when he had been on shore leave. It was a short break but it was enough to notice his slip-ups. He had plans to head down the Armax Arsenal Arena to get some training before going out in the field again. It would certainly spare the rest of his crew the frustration. He had approached the terminal in his cabin. It had been a while since he last checked his messages and noticed that he had quite a few. One especially caught his attention.

It was from a woman named Salora who apparently had seen some of his matches in the arena - if not all.

...

 _ **Our Love Was Meant To Be**_

 _'You stand floodlit in front of millions. And I in the dark.'_

 _'The screen separates us. But as your heart hammers mine. Echoes it and we are one.'_

 _'I embrace this brief human moment. As if it were eternity.'_

 _'Your most devoted fan,'_

 _'Salora'_

...

It scarred him for life.

If one thing was certain, it would be never to use the Arena publicly again. This Salora was probably a really nice girl but there was a thin line between 'being a fan' and 'being obsessed.' Conrad Verner was another example. Shepard snorts at the memory. At least Conrad hadn't send him any love letters. Shepard shot him in the foot once. Thinking about the past made him realize just how far they had come. He remembered everyone that had been lost. Every mistake. Every wrong call. The fight was far from over, so he was bound to make a few poor decisions.

Reflections.

He frowned and darted his eyes to the camcorder after hearing a beeping sound. Red meant off. Was the ship malfunctioning? Muscles tensing, he could feel a pressure on his hip, nearly startling him. He cradled what revealed itself a hand as his eyes flickered. Arms draped around his waist, pulling him in, feeling a warm body pressing up against his back. His glance settled above his shoulder, and the corner of his mouth curved into a smirk, finding himself relaxing into the embrace.

"You took your sweet time, major."

"Mm, sorry," Kaidan purred, lips brushing against his ear. Quivering, the grip around his hand tightened. His muscles tensed up again. "Halfway into the room I got, ah... distracted... by the display." Shepard was already wishing him back when he pulled away. "Oh, wow. This... this is bigger than the _SR-1."_ Kaidan's eyes wandered across the room "...and you have a fish tank."

Shepard had to remind himself never to let Wrex see it after Virmire where he shot at those poor fish by the shore.

Placing a hand at the table for leverage, he pushed himself away. There was no wonder why Kaidan was so surprised. The cabin on the _SR-1_ was big enough and now Cerberus had spoiled him even more. Probably trying to atone for what they did back on Akuze, but hell, nothing they ever did would atone for Akuze. Especially not after the Illusive Man ordered the body of EDI's previous owner to 'dispose of' Kaidan.

Shepard had gained a newfound hatred for TIM after that.

"The lighting helps me sleep better. It's kind of soothing. Quiet." Shepard walked past him, feeling eyes pursue him with an attentive glare when he headed for the inner section. Kaidan followed but stopped to lean against the middle wall that separated the main room from the annex. "What can I say? I'm a romantic," Shepard jested, shrugging. "Now get your ass over here."

Kaidan snorted. There was the Shepard he knew. He calmly began to approach him.

"Yeah, I wouldn't want to intrude."

"I told you to find me. That means you've got access to the whole cabin." Shepard grabbed two beers, and with a pop, the lids were off. "Either way, you're a Spectre, remember? If you wanted you could just use your Spectre codes to break in."

"Shepard... don't give me any ideas," he murmured, and caught the bottle that he threw to him with one hand.

 _I wish._

The thought of Kaidan breaking in to see him was a good, if not thrilling, one.

Kaidan had spotted his model ships. "Wow, you actually fix things? I thought you only knew how to blow stuff up."

"Hey, I was a mechanic at 17." He received a suspicious smile at the statement, and he knew exactly what that meant. "Look, you don't need to know how to drive a car to fix one. Hell, I was a damn good one, too."

"Uh-huh." Kaidan seemed unconvinced as he walked up to it, so he rolled his eyes. "Okay, so we've got... the _SSV Normandy SR-1,_ the _SR-2,_ the _Destiny Ascension..."_ Shepard cocked an eyebrow and placed himself about three feet behind him to see the show. "I assume that's Sovereign, an Alliance and turian cruiser... A, ah... _Flotilla_ vessel? An _UT-47 Kodiak_ drop shuttle, and... I don't know that one, though." He took a moment. "No, wait. Is that an _Athabasca_ class freighter? Wasn't the _MSV Broken Arrow_ one of those?"

"Well, look at you," he muttered, and brought the bottle to his lips.

"That one -that's a geth ship and that... I have no idea what that is. Looks big. Never seen it before."

"I'm not surprised. That's the Shadow Broker's base," he clarified, and frowned. "The volatile atmosphere kept the damn thing hidden. Both the hazardous weather and electrical storms prevented patrols from being in the perimeter. It had these conducting rods that mitigated the damage it received. Liara's lucky she was able to move the whole database so she's not in the middle of nowhere, risking death, just using it." Kaidan's eyes narrowed before turning to him. "What, she didn't tell you? Our very own Liara located his base and took his role as the Shadow Broker."

He could tell that Kaidan was surprised by the revelation.

"Now that I think of it, she did mention she was tracking him." Kaidan turned back to eye the collection. "So she found it, huh? I shouldn't be surprised. One hell of a war asset. I can't even begin to imagine how long it took putting all of those together."

"Well, I needed _something_ to do in the downtime between missions," he replied, leaning back and resting an elbow at his arm as the bottle remained by his lips. "You know, stopping the collectors. The suicide mission. When you weren't there."

Kaidan's expression faltered. "What? Shepard, I -"

"Relax, Kaidan. I'm kidding."

"I... I hate you."

Shepard released his arms, swapped the bottle from one hand to the other that was closer to the small table by the couch and put it down before he approached him. Kaidan cocked a curious brow at him when his knitted fist encountered the tender fabric of his marine blue civvies in height of his abdomen. Shepard's arm muscled tightens when he felt Kaidan moving in, preventing him from coming any closer. Heat radiated on his touch and left slightly below two feet distance between them.

"So is there a reason why you shut off the camera, K?"

Kaidan hummed. "Hmm. You said you'd make it up to me. I've got a few ideas," he muttered, and Shepard could see his eyes dart down to his mouth. "Thought it was better to do it, ah... privately."

He had lowered his voice at the last word and looked up.

A small smirk, although suspicious, formed on Shepard's mouth as his eyes narrowed. Shivers traversed down his spine when a hand found its path to his hip, gently pulling him in. One of their legs bumped together. Shepard's glare trailed his face. His amazing features. They drifted down to the small scar placed quaintly on his lower lip. Dead silence all around them aside from the pleasantly distant hum of the _Normandy._ His piercing eyes angled up to meet far softer honey-brown.

Kaidan already watched him, eyes gleaming, daring him to do something bold.

He was looking at him in a way Shepard had never seen before. Longing. Needing. Pure want. The last thing he wanted was to see this man hurt in any way. He could hear his heart pounding beneath his skin, praying, seeking desperate release from beneath his ribs. Eyes half-lidded, Shepard's lips slightly parted - brows tightening - in anticipation waiting for Kaidan to reduce the frustratingly short distance between them.

Everything needed was one slight movement, one slight push, and... Shepard inhaled deeply. Kaidan's amazing scent pleasantly teased his nostrils. His body trembled. He closed his eyes as he forced his mouth shut. His palm moved up and splayed out on his chest when Kaidan leant in. He pushed him slightly back, mere inches, feeling his heart beating as rapidly as his own under his hold. Everything about Kaidan made him crazy. His soft eyes, his mesmerizing smile, his divine scent, his heartwarming laugh... that damned constantly husky voice. He softly exhaled again while his eyes fluttered halfway open to meet his.

Shepard pinned him with a stern glare. "I'm not known to easily restrain myself."

He was amazed he hadn't lost control yet. If Kaidan wasn't an example of perfection, he wasn't sure what was. Now, Shepard was taken aback by how close they were standing, knowing that Kaidan wanted this. It wasn't Shepard that had encouraged this. It was _him._

"Is that a challenge, Commander?" he murmured.

"A warning," he replied, as his gaze fleeted to the side to break the eye contact shared between them. He had to if he was to remain in control. "It's not too late to back out."

He could feel himself being reined back in before he had the chance to get far. Kaidan's beer joined his at the table. His fingers now free, he brushed them against Shepard's jawline. A knuckle settled below his chin before he was gently tipped closer, his mouth now only inches away from his own, icy-blue meeting soft brown once again.

Shepard realized that he wasn't going to pull away.

His face said it all. Vulnerability. Such vulnerability he had kept hidden for years. He wasn't sure if he was ready to go through this again. But when Kaidan's thumb sensually moved across his lips, sending another shiver down his spine, and traced it down below his lower lip... all his doubts were erased. The tip of his thumb brushed against a more uneven edge right before their lips touched, sending Shepard wincing, nearly jerking back. He pressed his hands to Kaidan's chest to push away.

Capturing his wrists, Kaidan muttered, "Hey, hey... Where are you going?"

He loathed the fact that he had already hurt him. It wasn't Kaidan's fault but he must've believed it was. His pained expression said as much. Shepard was making sure the side of his face was turned against him, not wanting to show more than was needed. He was trying not to think about the cautious way Kaidan's thumbs were caressing the outer of his ulnas, unspoken begging him to turn around.

"It's nothing. Really."

Another lie.

A moment of silence filled the air.

"I don't care about your scars, Shepard."

Kaidan's careful statement earned a softened - yet concerned - expression. His glance was warm. Accepting. So was the soft smile on his lips. Kaidan released one of his hands, trailing it up his forearm, cupping his elbow. As though magnetized, he was drawn closer to him, their foreheads connecting. Kaidan ducked his head and the tip of his nose was exposed to the area just below his jaw.

Shepard swallowed hard.

"I'm not going anywhere, John," he muttered tenderly. A puff of fresh, warm breath tickled Shepard's neck, nuzzling his skin with both nose and mouth that in return made him lightheaded. Damn him for saying his name like that. "Not unless you want me to."

So he remained silent.

All air seemed to have left his lungs in the moment he found warm lips pressing up against the side of his neck. Roughly sucking in a breath, he was forced to try muffling a moan. He failed. His hands clutched around the cloth he cradled. Kaidan was so traumatizing close yet so far. It was torment. He felt his body being pulled closer as if the sound escaping his mouth had awoken something in him.

Kaidan grew hungrier as it went from simple kisses to gentle bites.

 _Fuck, he was a biter._

He had one hell of a weakness for biters.

Shepard's eyes nearly rolled back out of pleasure at the way Kaidan's mouth was working against his skin. He submitted to his assault, slanting his head, giving him full access. A kiss, a gentle bite, another kiss.

Kaidan's heavenly soft lips ghosted up his neck, stopping at his ear.

"Are you going to pull away this time, Commander?" he breathed, with a hint of tease.

His husky voice sent him spinning. Shepard explosively exhaled a breath he had apparently held for a while, leaving him both lightheaded, and breathless. Breathless, not like the moment he went down with the first _Normandy,_ but breathless of lust.

"Hell no..."

He could feel him smile into his temple. "Mm... Good."

Shepard's heart raced ten times faster when a warm hand slipped under the edge of his tank top. Knees went weak below him, evolving into nothing but mush, trying to keep himself upraised. His body fell against Kaidan's as he draped an arm around his shoulder, allowing more intimate contact, in which he took the hint. Slightly turning his head, Shepard's mouth now mirrored his again, feeling a soft and faint huff of air at his cheek. When their eyes fluttered shut, he felt lips brushing against his, making him crazy.

The anticipation was torturing him.

The world seemed to stop when he felt Kaidan's lips press against his own. His lips were warm. Soft. Gentle. Professional... and god, how amazing they felt. Shepard was stunned by how perfectly they fit against his. He found himself appreciating that Kaidan hadn't taken a sip of the beer yet. Now he could taste _Kaidan._ Slightly parting his lips, he was more than willing to allow him the entrance that he sought. He released a soft moan of pleasure in the moment Kaidan's tongue slipped into his mouth.

Devoured in the moment, he found himself melting into the kiss, savoring his enthrallingly good taste. The kiss deepened as he pulled him in closer. Shepard allowed the arm around his shoulder to drop. His hand moved to cradle his shirt again and the other joined, tightening around the marine blue cloth, pulling him forcefully towards himself to let him know that he wasn't fragile. Two fingers cradled the zipper on Shepard's black N7 hoodie before it was pulled down. Kaidan disconnected the sides from each other. With a determined tug, he pulled the hoodie down over his biceps, Shepard's breath hitching, locking his arms in place.

Kaidan left a trail of kisses and gentle bites up his collarbone to his neck. His body trembled as he was separated from his jacket. Kaidan traced the outline of his lips with the tip of his tongue before he once again captured his mouth. Dominating the kiss. Shepard's fingertips trailed his forearm from his elbow and down. He took ahold of his hand, guiding it below the edge of his shirt again, gesturing him to take it off. He sucked in a breath through his nose in the moment skin was against skin. Shepard harshly bumped the side of his hip into him in an impatient manner, making Kaidan whimper on contact, forcing him to obey.

 _"Shepard,"_ the speakers cackled.

He was ready to kill someone.

Shepard made a displeased sound from the bottom of his throat.

 _Dammit. *Now?*_

Kaidan broke the kiss and ducked his head, lips brushing against his jaw, before he pulled away. His hand slipped from his waist and the cloth fell back to the rim of Shepard's lower civvies. Shepard released his grip on him even if it was more tempting to pull him back. He had some control left but the line was thin as hell.

He cleared his throat. "Yes, EDI?" Shepard replied professionally, straightening his clothes.

 _"I do not monitor the cameras of your cabin, at your request, but when checking the surveillance devices aboard the ship I noticed that yours was inactive. This arouse some concern so I felt the... need... to make you aware of this. My existence, aside from monitoring the surveillance, also focuses on protecting this ship and its crewmembers."_

"Mission debrief with Major Alenko. It's classified."

 _"I see."_ The pause could only mean that she was doing another scanning. _"According to extranet sites, the term 'classified' is often used by humans for political reasons or as cover for sexual activities -"_

"Th -thank you, EDI," Kaidan broke in. "We've got it covered. Classified. Spectre business."

 _"Understood, Major. I will allow the monitoring to be disabled for this very room and make sure the rest of the crew knows."_

Kaidan blinked. "Uh, EDI. I don't think that's -" he tried, but it was too late. He tightly closed his eyes when realizing that she had disconnected "...and she -she's gone. Great. Now the whole crew is going to ask questions."

He was a man of privacy himself to some extent, but when having EDI monitoring literally every ounce of the ship, it would be difficult to keep it under wraps. Shepard didn't have anything against anyone knowing about them, having been known to be no stranger to semi-public sex, but Kaidan appeared conflicted around the matter.

"Does that bother you?" he asked.

Kaidan's eyes snapped open. "What? No, of course not, I -" he tried, before exhaling. Shepard felt a gentle hand taking hold of his wrist, pulling him towards the couch as Kaidan backed with him. "Hell, I just... I want you alone - figure out what we are - before we have to worry about the others kicking down the door, you know?" He tightly closed his eyes again at his choice of words.

"Oh, wow. That... that sounded possessive," Kaidan added.

 _And hot._

Kaidan slid into the couch, turning his body to face him as he squared an ankle over his knee. He propped his arm to the backrest behind Shepard as he joined him. The base of Shepard's foot encountered the table before he leant back.

"I didn't mention it when I came in, but... this place kinda reminds me of the Starboard Observation," Kaidan said, looking up.

Looking up as well, Shepard asked, "You mean the transparent ceiling above the bed?" He rested an arm on his escalated knee. "Guess I'm literally going to have you see stars in here." Kaidan's eyes widened as his attention snapped back to Shepard cocking a sly brow.

"Mm... What makes you think the roles won't be reversed?" he asked, smirking. "You've got to work for that one, Commander."

He had to admit that the thought of Kaidan pinning him to the bed was an interesting, albeit compelling, image. Shepard was always a top, but it appears that things could change, and finding out who would win was a rather intriguing thought.

His eyes narrowed. "Are you sassing me, major?"

He didn't care that he received no response. The way Kaidan leant in, once again pressing his lips against his, made up for it. The kiss felt just as amazing as their last. Shepard lightly bit into his upper lip before capturing his lips again, teasing the inside of his mouth with his tongue, hearing a soft sound escape him. Kaidan let out another small puff through his nose, the sensation once again sending Shepard shivering, so he on impulse deepened the kiss. It didn't take long before he felt a hand on his inner thigh.

His whole body trembled at the sensation.

"Guess we're going to have to find out," Kaidan murmured, breaking the encounter of their lips with a wet sound going straight down before they connect again. His hand moved upwards and the muscles in Shepard's body tensed up "...later.

Shepard could soon feel the amused smile on his lips as Kaidan's hand retracted, breaking the kiss, causing them both to smile.

"Oh, I see how it is." He flattened out a palm on his chest, shoving him back. Kaidan kept himself upraised by grasping the backrest, and chuckled as he grabbed his beer. "If that's how you want to play it, fine." He was determined that Kaidan wasn't going to get away with that. "So how long have you been hopelessly crushing on me, major?"

Kaidan snorted. "Ouch," he huffed, and looked away. "Okay. You got me. I guess... shortly after you told me your name." Kaidan turned back to notice his confused look. "After Sovereign's defeat, you were wasted as hell, and I almost had to literally carry you back to the ship."

Remembering vaguely what happened, Shepard couldn't help but smirk. He knew that Kaidan had seen him drunk that night. He knew that Garrus and Joker had tapped him for credits by signing a contract. He knew about drinking with Garrus and kidnapping a pyjak. Now he had done more? Shepard wouldn't be surprised if he had launched himself at him. Another thing then went up for him. Sovereign's defeat.

 _He's felt for me that long?_

Kaidan angled his arm on the backrest to caress Shepard's cheek. "You were just kinda looking at me, and I think it just clicked, you know?" he said, trailing one of his scars as his eyes followed the movement. Shepard didn't wince this time. "I wanted to tell you, but..."

 _...but then I died._

Shepard slowly nodded, and when Kaidan's glance drifted back to his, he could tell that he was wondering the same thing.

"The beginning," he replied, causing Kaidan's eyes to widen. "Well, technically one year, seeing I was out for two of them." Kaidan's look morphed into something resembling amusement. "Hey, don't look at me like that. I had to worry about sexual harassment charges."

He was given a smug smile. "Mm," he uttered, tracing his temple. "I can still get those filed so what changed your mind?"

"Well, it's only a problem if it's an officer of a higher rank... and get this, you're a major now. I have the advantage here." Kaidan stiffened at his reply, and his smile retracted. Pleased by his reaction, Shepard pulled himself up from the couch. "I said I'd make it up to you, though." He felt Kaidan's glance following his movement. "Get your gear, major."

Kaidan looked stunned. "My... gear?"

"Uh-huh. We're breaking into Armax Arsenal Arena."

He had never seen that one coming.


	21. Ch 21: Someone To Live For

**Chapter 21: Someone To Live For**

* * *

" _When you said you'd 'make it up to me,' this... is not what I pictured." - Kaidan Alenko_

In which Shepard's darkest secret is revealed... He's ticklish.

* * *

"When you said you'd 'make it up to me,' this... is not what I pictured," Kaidan muttered. "Pretty sure it's illegal."

They had just arrived at the Arena. He'd never seen that one coming. John said he was feeling rusty and needed a partner to rekindle his skills on the battlefield so he decided to humor him. Kaidan had never used the Arena himself but he knew how the whole thing worked. It was exactly like being in the field although the hostiles were holographic.

"What do you take me for?" John teased, loading a clip. "I won't give up without a fight, major. Sole survivor of Akuze, stopped Saren and Sovereign, destroyed a collector base, died and came back more pissed than ever... You should know that by now. Besides, we're Spectres."

"Mm... point taken. Either way, I -I don't think saying 'we're Spectres' is going to be a good enough excuse for breaking into a public location," he replied, but the hint of mischief that shimmered in John's eyes revealed that he didn't care. Eyes falling to the scoreboard, Kaidan whistled. John was on first place with over 4 000 points above Aria T'Loak.

"That thing doesn't show points above 9 999. Too many digits. My highest score is on about 13 900."

"Congratulations, John. Never know when holograms would try to take over the galaxy."

He was given a deadpan look, but then a slow smile spread on John's lips, and he stepped up to the terminal with purpose.

 _"Commander Shepard. Welcome back,"_ the VI said, and a bluish light emitted from the terminal. It centered on Kaidan's feet before traversing vertically across his whole body. _"Major Kaidan Alenko. Welcome to Armax Arsenal Arena. Do you wish to create a profile?"_

Kaidan hesitated. "No, I -I'm good. Just here on Shepard's terms."

 _"As you wish. What kind of match do you wish to participate in?"_

"They've got Cerberus, geth, reapers and collectors. I'll let you choose," John said. "We've also got challenge levels. Foot soldier, elites and super elites."

He couldn't believe he was actually doing this. Shooting at holograms in a simulated Arena. It was kind of ridiculous when thinking about it. Nevertheless, if it helped John relax and forget about the war - even for just a little while - he was more than willing to participate. For all he knew, it could be fun, but it did also help that John was present.

It gave them more time together.

Sighing, Kaidan replied, "Well, I'll never get tired of shooting Cerberus in the face. I take it super elites is the toughest difficulty." John nodded. "Super elites it is. Might as well take a challenge, eh?"

"VI," John said, turning back. "Do you by any chance have a holographic version of the Illusive Man?"

 _"I'm afraid not, Commander Shepard."_ Grunting, John shifted in disappointment. Kaidan could tell he really wanted to shoot TIM in the face. _"Do you wish to send in a requisitions order to have it installed?"_

"Hell yeah. Can you do that?"

 _"Affirmative. It will take approximately three weeks."_

John groaned. "Three weeks? He's not worth it. Give us super elite Cerberus soldiers. Spin Zone for the map. Don't hold anything back."

 _"As you wish."_

They exited the door by the sideline and approached the elevator to the simulation. If there was one thing that Kaidan didn't miss, it was the elevator music, and how slow the damn thing moved back in the days. Those moments where small talk was obligatory to avoid awkward silence.

Of course, it was awkward either way, because he was horrible at small talk.

"Well, this is a nice change of pace," John said, breaking the silence. "Last time I was in an elevator with you, I was getting shot at."

Kaidan snorted. "To my defense, you were _on top_ of the elevator, and I thought you were trying to kill the Council," he replied, smirking "...and don't give me that. I've been shot at, too. Remember the skycar chase three years ago?"

"Details..."

Technology had surely gained an upgrade since then because the elevator had already reached their level. Kaidan's eyes widened when the metallic doors slid open to reveal the Arena. It was huge.

 _"Ladies and gentlemen, it's combat night in the Armax Arsenal Arena!"_ the VI announced.

Rolling his shoulders, John drew his assault rifle and gave him a look. _'You ready, major?'_ Kaidan nodded, returning a smile accepting his challenge and pulled out his own firearm. _'Bring it on.'_

 _"Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Starting round one."_

Kaidan charged a _Barrier_ in the moment the hostiles spawned and John launch a grenade at the first spawn point. Chuckling, the next thing Kaidan remembered was seeing John already about halfway across the room, firing bullets in every direction. He always headed first into battle as the part krogan he was, although thankfully, he was far more gracious than the krogans.

 _Hell... Never change, John._

He usually disliked the way John recklessly charged into battle, but this fight was on pretend. At the same time, he also knew that he would never convince him to switch his combat style to something less risky. Simply put, it wasn't John's style.

His adrenaline quickly built up. He could feel his blood pumping in his veins. There was no wonder why the Arena was so popular.

 _"End of round one. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Round two."_

Another round passed by flawlessly. They handled every round with ease. The fun part of all this is how seriously they both took the whole thing. As if it was a real fight and they were battling for their lives.

Bringing down another Cerberus soldier, Kaidan asked, "How many rounds are there exactly?"

 _"End of round two. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Final round."_

"There's your answer!"

They end up playing several matches and were going on for about two hours, had already beaten John's record by several points. They had always been one hell of a team but it was different this time. It felt different. Even if their enemies were fake, Kaidan felt a kick he always experienced, when John ended up in difficult positions.

His biotics were working the exact same way they did on Eden Prime when the Geth Destroyer charged John on the cargo train. His reflexes had sharpened greatly since then, and now, they had sharpened even more. Seemed more precise. He now knew why. Back then, they were fighting for survival. Now they were fighting for a different reason. They were fighting for something to come back to. Someone to live for. Smiling fondly, he remembered the recent memory.

They soon took cover, side by side, in standing position. They were two minutes into the final round when another Atlas appeared.

"Look who's late for the party." John pushed himself away from the concrete, positioning himself before him as Kaidan pressed his own back to the concrete. "We've got to be tactical about this. Those guns are going to destroy me if I simply charge in without any form of strategy. I'm going to try circle around so I need you to take down its barriers by disrupting it." John looked over his shoulder. "Cover my flank."

Discreetly eyeing John's body, he could swear he slightly flexed for his muscles to look bigger. Kaidan angled brown irises up to meet his glance to be given a look to let him know that he was caught red-handed.

"Oh, I'll cover _all_ your flanks, Commander..."

John cocked a brow and raised his assault rifle, winking at him, before he charged the Atlas. Kaidan smirked in return and spun from his cover to charge a _Reave._ The mech staggered and allowed John to vault over his own cover and move towards the next point, throwing a frag grenade in the movement that settled at the mech's frame. When John reached the Atlas' left flank, he bought up another _Barrier._ Kaidan proceeded to unload on the mech, gaining its attention, while John unloaded concussive shots from the side to bring it down. The mech's shields were nearly gone and they had the upper hand.

Shooting a glance his way, John called, "Five o'clock!"

He gunned down three Cerberus soldiers and John hurled behind cover when the mech turned to him.

"They're rounding up for another attack! Six at right flank!" Kaidan called back, slowing the Atlas down with a _Cryo Blast._ "I'll keep the mech busy until you get back here!"

"Affirmative!" John proceeded to back towards him again as they both fired. The grenade blew up shortly after and the Atlas exploded before them in a spectacular fashion. All the holographic forms ceased to exist and the match was over. John chuckled at the victory and lowered his gun. Again, Kaidan would never get tired of hearing that sound.

 _"The match goes to Shepard. Promotional consideration is brought to you by the Alliance News Network. Your galaxy. Your news."_

The Spectres sheathed their weapons. It was intense. Some food and a bed sounded great just about now.

"Well, that was easy," John said, and tilted his head up to eye the scoreboard. "Hey, 15 548 points. Not bad, Alenko. Another record set. You're apparently better than both Liara and James combined. We only got about 13 900 points back th -"

Smirking, Kaidan draped an arm around his waist, registering the surprise on his face before John's back encountered the Arena wall. He groaned on impact, and Kaidan forced himself on him to crush lips against his own. Those godlike lips he had been longing to feel again for hours. No longer passive, the kiss was returned with just as much intensity and he savored it. Kaidan grabbed his hip and pulled him in, earning another muffled groan, having him push up harder to hear another.

 _My god, the sounds he makes..._

Feeling a hand trace up his arm, it settled at the back of his neck before fingers delved into his thick, jet-black hair to receive more closure. He heard John cursing underneath his breath as the bulky armors limited them both, and Kaidan broke the kiss slightly, escaping the low rumble in his chest. They needed to fix that. Fast. He shivered when fingers lightly brushed against his amp port.

"K..." John broke the kiss, releasing a breathless chuckle. "God damn, major. You know what you want."

He found himself smiling pleased with himself before he pushed forward for their lips to meet once again. John met his motion eagerly. Allowing his own hand to explore, he trailed up the curve of his waist, colliding with the fastenings on his armor. When it reached the clasps, a hand settled at his abdomen, switching place with him. Suddenly Kaidan was the one with the wall against his back. John brought his lips to his neck, and he sucked in a breath as his whole body tensed up to give him access. His mouth was capable of more than appointing orders. Far more.

"I said I didn't give up easily, Alenko," he added, his dark voice seductive. "Two can play that game."

When he pushed himself away, Kaidan's jaw nearly dropped and he remained speechless. He knew John was testing out his so called 'disciplinary control' that he had called him out on back on the _SR-1._ Payback for leaving him hanging back in the cabin a few hours ago. He figured that he probably deserve it. Nevertheless, he was in for one hell of a challenge. John winked at him, began to move for Kaidan to shortly trail after, as he backed towards the exit.

"Want to go grab some food, major?"

"You mean steal?" he asked, only receiving a smug look in reply. He wasn't as bothered by it as he should. After watching in amusement at John trying to break into one of the food kiosks nearby, insisting that he was rusty at that as well as it had been a while, they finally managed to grab a few bites and started to head back to the ship.

Snorting, Kaidan said, "Okay, I -I've got to admit... It took some time to get into the whole Arena thing. I mean, shooting at holograms, while taking deadly serious orders from you? It was... amusing, to say the least."

"What can I say? When I commit to something, I fully commit."

He chuckled at that. Last time he laughed as much as he did tonight was the night before Ilos. It was good to know that he sometimes could build a wall and block the reapers out without being naïve to their existence. He needed to get his mind off things and he knew John appreciated a break from the war himself. John was smiling a lot. It sounded sappy, but seeing him like that meant one hell of a lot to him.

The _Normandy's_ course was already set to head towards the Arrae system first thing in the morning to aid some Cerberus scientists.

They were Cerberus but Kaidan was willing to give them a chance. He had met some of their people and they weren't all bad. Either way, he had decided not to dwell too much on it and instead enjoy his time with John, to live in the 'now.'

They reached the ship and un-equipped their armor before storing them in their lockers. Right before they reached the elevator, he reached for his omni-tool only to realize that it wasn't there. Kaidan didn't exactly panic, but he did feel a sudden uneasiness, although he remain calm on the outside. He remembered having a lot of unfinished drafts of messages and he didn't exactly want to start over again.

John gave him a confused look when his eyes took a quick survey of the local. It went up for him that he simply didn't bring it. John had said something about an Arena 'bonus.' It gave a boost to the score if they didn't use medi-gel. Therefore, he left it behind.

"Hell, I forgot the Logic Arrest tool back at your cabin," Kaidan murmured, careful to not to wake the crew. "You know... John, you're a horrible influence. Thanks to you, I'm even further behind schedule seeing that you dragged me with you." Then, the bastard _chuckled._ "Wait, you -you planned this, didn't you?"

 _He had definitely planned it._

It had been some devious plan to lure him back to the cabin. Kaidan had to admit that it was working. The Arena wasn't the way John would make it up to him. It was helping him write the reports after the Arena had occupied his time - specifically set - to write them. Kaidan wasn't exactly surprised, because hell, John was a strategist.

Sighing, he took ahold of John's wrist. "Yeah, okay. You're definitely an ass."

He pulled him after himself into the elevator. Only moments later, they reached the cabin. Kaidan made his way down to the table by the couch where he had left it while John rested his arm to the wall supporting the model ships in the height of his head, giving a wondrous display of his perfect figure. Kaidan would've given him a good look over if he wasn't facing him. He was careful not to add to his ego.

Grabbing the omni-tool, he smiled softly before walking up to him. He gently pressed his lips against John's, settling a hand at his hip, his thumb slipping under the edge of his shirt to feel him tense up underneath his touch.

John could be sensual.

This wasn't among their usual kisses, those full of desperate need and want, but god if it didn't feel just as amazing. He could feel warmth traverse up his arm as John settled a hand at his triceps. Once again he can feel his body quivering at the sensual gesture. John made another muffled sound, deep from his chest, as Kaidan deepened the kiss. They broke apart and foreheads connected. That damn smile reflected at the corners of John's mouth, and knowing he was the one to make it appear was even more rewarding.

"So what was this? Our first real date?" Kaidan asked huskily.

"Depends. How was it?" John settled his escalated arm on his shoulder. Once again, his fingers delved into his hair, being a sensation that made him shiver. He closed his eyes. John shifted to gain a more comfortable position.

Kaidan snorted. "It was... fantastic."

"First date it is," he muttered, and Kaidan opened his eyes again to meet his. "Bunk here tonight, Kaidan. With me."

His whole body went warm.

Moving a hand to the small of John's back, he murmured, "Only if you join me in bed this time. I haven't forgotten the night before Ilos. I can recall that you were stiff for days. Can't let that happen again."

John returned a deadpan look. "Again. Depends," he replied, and Kaidan grinned. "Stay. That's an order."

Brushing his lips against John's jawline, he pressed a chaste kiss upon his stubble, ghosting lips down to his neck. John's humor was dry and dirty as hell... and he loved it.

"Well... I can't disobey an order now, can I?" he whispered, still grinning.

"It's still my ship, so damn right you can't." John eventually pulled away, as they had time for more of that later. John began to move towards the restroom but stopped in the doorway. "By the way, forgot to mention... you're reinstated as my XO, major. Can't think of anyone better to keep my feet planted on the ground. Just like old times, huh?"

Kaidan mockingly snapped a salute. A smile tugged at the corners of John's lips. He rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to take a shower," he added, and turned. Kaidan couldn't look away when John's hands wandered to the edge of his shirt. His chest tightened when John pulled it off over his head, revealing his muscled back, bare skin that he had yet - and desperately wanted - to feel against his own. The dog tags rattled at the movement as he threw the shirt at the chair. Casting a glance over his shoulder, John said, "I'll leave the door unlocked."

Kaidan cocked a brow.

It was one of the oldest tricks in the book. Like hell if he was going to be the one giving in first. He would never allow him that kind of luxury. So instead, he placed himself at the bedside and flipped up his omni-tool display, starting to go through the unread messages. He was staying the night so he wanted to finish the reports as quickly as possible. Doing that would give them more time to do other things.

He froze when he heard the shower turn on.

 _Self-control, major. Discipline. You've done it for years. What harm can it do keeping it up for a while longer? Fifteen minutes. Tops._

...but how the hell was he supposed to write reports when he had _those_ kind of images in his head?

Kaidan bit into his lower lip, hard, nearly drawing blood, and tightened his grip around the data pad had had just grabbed to keep his hands busy. He couldn't restrain himself from attempting to get a peak by tilting his head slightly, but the middle wall was traitorously blocking his view, and he cursed under his breath. Rising up, he threw the data pad into the bed, and kicked his boots off.

He was able to hold out for about thirty seconds.

Pulling off his own shirt, he headed for the shower. He had been in the Arena too, so a shower was a welcoming choice. Especially when John was already in it. His heart went to his throat when he reached the doorway. John's back was turned against him. He watched as his hand moved down the back of his neck in a slow movement, his head turned aside, flashing his perfect facial profile as his eyes were closed. Water traversed down his spine. One drop with particular speed caught his eye, following it down to the small of his back, tracing a scar. John could've been a model.

His glance darted back up with a hot and heady look, knowing he was caught staring, as John gave him another deadpan look.

"Well, well... Look who's here."

Kaidan chortled, feeling the warmth in his cheeks. "That... that's unfair," he said strangled, and glimpsed his full lips tug upwards. He approached him. The air was humid. Hot. Reaching for John's hip, he let his fingers lightly brush against the exposed skin on the outer top of his pelvis bone - the iliac crest - making him twitch slightly.

Arching a brow, he was only to realize that he once again had come in contact with a scar.

If only John could stop worrying about that. Kaidan pulled him in for reassurance, his other hand settling at his opposite hip-side as he was expecting a warm flutter when he went under the stream. Instead, he sucked in a breath and nearly shivered at the cold water when it touched his skin before pulling John closer, huddling for warmth. John's back to his chest. He looked pleased with himself.

He had planned that, too.

"Heh... okay. Nice one," he murmured in addition, and pressed lips to his shoulder blade. "I probably would've taken a shower myself after my, ah... spectacular display in the Arena." He wrapped his arms around John's waist. "Why not save water?"

"Uh-huh," he uttered unconvinced.

John slanted his head, his cheek lightly encountering the tip of Kaidan's nose. Kaidan smirked, knowing that he saw right through that one. Blue eyes fluttered shut with a soft moan when Kaidan pressed a soft kiss to the grope between his neck and shoulder. John's expression hardened as he allowed the hand by his scalp to drop and flatten out at the wall before him. Kaidan's mouth ghosted towards his neck, feeling him shiver under his touch, cupping one of his hands with his free one.

When Kaidan trailed a water drop with his tongue, up towards his ear, John sucked in a breath. Another sound escaped his mouth when he bit into his earlobe. Slightly louder this time. Kaidan tightened his brows, nails delving into John's sides, pulling him closer. He brought his lips to his neck again. John made it difficult to remain in control, Kaidan's lower region being proof enough, his pants that did most definitely seem much tighter. They were also soaking wet thanks to the water. His hair wasn't as well-kempt anymore, either, feeling a lock of it against his forehead. The water was the culprit but he didn't give a damn. It wasn't cold anymore.

He lightly brushed his fingertips against John's side again - feeling him shift at the touch - frowning at the reaction he received.

"You keep... flinching or something." Judging by how cooperative he was aside from when he touched that particular area on his hip, he wasn't doing anything wrong. "John, if this is about the scars -"

He gently pried loose. "No, it's... it's not that."

When he turned, John trailed a hand up Kaidan's chest before wrapping an arm around his shoulder. Kaidan edged closer, hands settling back at his hips, mouth moving to rest lightly at his temple.

"If it's not the scars, then what -?" he tried, but it finally went up for him.

 _My god... how could I not see that?_

The corners of his lips quirked upwards. "Oh no. No way. I can't believe..." he said, and once again brushed a thumb lightly against the sensitive spot. As expected, John flinched, tightly pressing his body up against him. "I -I can't believe the legendary Commander Shepard is... ticklish."

He felt John's cheeks go warm.

John Shepard was... blushing?

 _Wow._

"Oh my god, I'm -I'm going to have so much fun with this," Kaidan added, and heard a displeased sound. His hand was grasped and wrapped around John's waist. His soft spot out of reach. "That's... oh god, that's precious."

"Alenko..." he warned, his voice low.

He couldn't help but release a heartfelt chuckle. Here he thought that he couldn't love him more than he already did, but hell, he had just gotten ten times more attractive. He tightened his grip around him.

Kaidan's laughter died down. "C'mon, John. It -it's fine. Nothing wrong with that, you know?"

"Can we just... _stop_ talking about this?" he asked sternly, only making the laughter return. Now he knew his greatest secret. John's mouth twitched upwards. "Kaidan, I'm warning you."

"What?" he teased, murmuring. "What are you going to do, Commander?"

They smiled at each other before John captured his face in his hands, pulling him in for a kiss, him more than willingly returning the gesture. The Spectres headed out of the shower about ten minutes later. Kaidan had already showered that day so he didn't need to worry about the hair. He had about forty messages and reports to finish up, and unfortunately, the clock was already nearing 0300. Both of them were feeling drowsy. It was obvious that John was about to pass out any minute.

When Kaidan told him that he could finish them up himself, he just flagged it off. John felt like he owed him.

Since he was still stubborn as all hell, he wouldn't budge. John had settled besides him, cheek resting at his chest, the data pad held by the hand attached to the arm that was draped over Kaidan's waist. He had no idea how he managed to write like that.

His glance wandered to his omni-tool when he finished the last one up. 0418.

Sighing, he knew it would be a pain to get up again in the morning. John had already finished the twenty others about five minutes ago, as they had briefly spoken, but been quiet since. With weary movements, he rubbed his eyes.

Kaidan stifled a yawn. "Okay, I'm done. Thanks, John. I -" he said, and blinked. "John?"

He was out cold. Another grin threatened his lips. Nevertheless, the position he was in wasn't exactly comfortable. He was careful not to wake him when he slightly shifted. On impulse, John tipped over on his back in his sleep, before turning another ninety degrees. He crumpled slightly together as if freezing, coming as no surprise, because the sheets were beneath them. Kaidan didn't need a moment to reconsider before he draped an arm around John's waist, pulled him close, and spooned him.

Placing a soft kiss on his shoulder, he felt muscles relax into his embrace, and he too fell asleep.


	22. Ch 22: Badass Weekly

**Chapter 22: Badass Weekly**

* * *

" _Throw it out the airlock." - Javik_

In which our two leads' privacy is meddled with.

* * *

Shepard's hope for the dream to stop tormenting him vanished the moment he shut his eyes.

Awakening nearly covered in sweat, he decided to wait until his heart was beating in its normal pace before preparing for the next mission. Waking up was a far more pleasant experience this time as Kaidan's warm body up against his back was a nice change. The steady breathing down his neck soothed him. Rolling carefully onto his back, he rubbed his eyes with an index finger and thumb. He could hear the stereo music playing in the background. Barely audible. He wondered why Kaidan hadn't turned it off.

He reached for the 'off' button and it went silent. The music played at all times when Shepard was present in the cabin, so he had in a way gotten used to it, although it wasn't obligatory. Thanks to his lack of restful sleep, he needed to go through at least twenty coffee mugs, so he'd better start soon.

Shepard clasped his dog tags together so they didn't clatter on contact when he sat, making sure he emitted as little sound as possible as he pushed up from the bed. It was difficult to navigate the room with only the fish-tank as a light source. Managing to circle around the bed and skidding over to the table by Kaidan's side, he searched for his overalls. His hand ghosted over the surface until he felt its fabric against his fingertips. He got dressed before picking up his omni-tool, which was easily located, as they had a luminescent interface. Talking an abrupt turn, he barged his knee into the chair.

 _Dammit._

He locked his jaw at the sounded collision. Prying one eye open, he glanced at Kaidan who stirred slightly. Thankfully, he was still asleep. Shepard closed his eyes again and released a relieved breath. Eyes now used to the dim light, he made his way up to the second level and propped his hand to the side of the doorway. Shepard glanced one last time over to the peaceful figure sleeping in his bed. He smiled fondly.

Kaidan had earlier told him that he wanted to come along for the next mission, and Shepard would keep that promise. Nevertheless, it would take some time before they got there, so he let him rest out. He could always wake him up when they reached Gellix.

He immediately headed down to the mess to make some coffee, and thanks to Kaidan, he now knew how. Two hours later, he made some for Kaidan, too. When he entered the cabin, Kaidan was already up and dressed, looking over the reports they wrote the night before by the desk. Back turned against him. Always working. Hell, the poor guy worried about reports more than keeping himself awake, or eat.

 _Sounds familiar._

Leaning to the doorway, he said, "Hey, K. Just checking in."

"I'm glad," he mumbled husky, the tiredness in his voice kind of cute. "Say, you, ah... you left without waking me."

"Didn't have the heart."

He snorted. "Aw, thanks. But next time, ah... wake me."

"Deal."

 _Next time._

He liked the sound of that.

Walking up to him, he reached for his hip with his free hand. Kaidan arched a brow as he looked over his shoulder when he pressed against his back. Shepard held out the mug from under his arm.

"Here. Coffee. I'm kind of an expert on automatic devices now," he added, and Kaidan shook his head at his joke with an appreciative smile as he accepted. Shepard pushed away and gently pulled the report out of his grasp. He didn't bother fighting back as it slipped from his hold. "Needed to check if I did a good enough job, huh? I'm hurt."

"Nah, I trust you, I just... I need to keep myself occupied," he said, turning to face him. "Gives me too much time to think otherwise." Kaidan leant his back to the desk and took a sip. "Oh, wow. Yeah, you kinda are. Expert," he teased. "It's good."

Shepard peeked up from the report. "Hey, I noticed you didn't turn off the audio device last night."

"Well, ah... you kinda fell asleep on top of me. Didn't have much room to maneuver," he replied, and Shepard felt his cheeks go warm. He didn't know what to feel about how easy it was for Kaidan to make him feel off-guard. Vulnerable. "It was fine, though. Would've been problematic if it was, you know, louder. I didn't mind."

Clearing his throat, Shepard said, "We reach Gellix in five."

"I'll be there," he replied, and turned to the shelved glass container. "I said 'hi' to Lightyear, by the way. I think he likes me." Kaidan's eyes darted down "...and I also kinda think that the dislocated husk head you have on display here kinda freaks him - and me - out, but hey, I'm not judging. Hell, you could use it as an alarm clock. The head, I mean."

The husk head screeched, earning a squeak from Lightyear, before he hid in his house.

Shepard shrugged. "Blame Vega. He was the one that wanted it. Said it was great and suggested 'using it for research' or something," he replied, and Kaidan gave him a confused look seeing that it wasn't down in the cargo bay. "Steve wouldn't have it."

* * *

When they returned from Gellix, Shepard couldn't help but notice how Kaidan seemed somewhat tired. Drained. It pained him to see him like that, but when he asked, he blamed it on a headache. He could tell when Kaidan was lying, but he respected his wish not wanting to talk about it, and lay off. Shepard had debriefed the mission with Hackett, and when finished, the admiral insisted he spoke to him again before heading out for the next mission. It was cryptic, but he knew when something was urgent. In the meantime, they had quite a few hours downtime.

They chose to play some poker.

Kaidan, Vega, Garrus, Joker and Samantha participated, although Shepard was there for his boyfriend's moral support. Javik was observing. The prothean had yet to become familiar with human activities.

"Oh, man - are you kidding me?" Joker called out, as Vega placed a 'flush' at the table. Shepard stood with his arms folded across his chest, placed besides Kaidan's chair, glad he wasn't not the only one losing to James.

Joker shot Kaidan a look. "Seriously, Kaidan. He's drying me out. I need some poker tips, here," he said. Open and warm, Kaidan chuckled, and Shepard found himself smiling ever so slightly. Gellix had shaken something in him, but he seemed to be recovering, being a reassuring sight.

"It's all in the face, hombre," Vega said, leaning back in his chair as he cupped the back of his head. "Better luck next time."

Traynor shifted in her seat. "So, Commander... Hackett wanted to speak to you, didn't he?" she asked in her thick British accent, a small quirk of her lips. She looked like she was up to something. "Ooh, that sounds serious."

She was no stranger to scuttlebutt.

"Didn't say what it was about, though," Shepard said. "Probably the war-assets."

Garrus somewhat hesitantly shoved the newest _'Badass Weekly'_ volume towards Kaidan across the table. He cocked a brow, so Garrus gestured him to look at it. Grabbing his beer, Kaidan's fingertips reached for the magazine before turning it the correct way. He immediately seemed to regret taking a sip when he saw the headline and began to cough.

Frowning, Shepard leant over, "What's -?"

...

 **Commander Shepard and Major Alenko:**

 **FRATERNIZATION CAUGHT ON-CAMERA!**

...

Sam giggled. "Busteeed..."

"Freaking _everyone_ knows," Joker said, and Kaidan's jaw dropped. "You're not exactly being subtle about it. I mean, c'mon, that's more than 'friendly looks'." Shepard's glance resembled a warning when he shot Joker a look. "It's not like we're going to participating in courts martialing you guys, and even if we wanted, we couldn't. You're Spectres and Spectres legally says 'screw the regs'."

That might be true but it didn't change the fact that they were both in the Alliance.

Garrus snorted. "Exactly. It's really no big deal. From what we saw, it's not considered extranet porn, because I hear that's really explicit stuff. It's way too subtle for that," he jested, seeing that the only intimacy showing in the images was Shepard's thumb on Kaidan's temple... and of course the almost-kiss. After all, nothing really happened at Apollo's. A lot of things was said but nothing _happened._

"I mean, the vid..."

A sudden uneasiness churned Shepard's abdomen.

A vid has audio.

"The -there's a vid?" Kaidan managed to mutter as wonderfully calm as always, tapping his cards on the table. Garrus' expression said 'yes.' "How... how are we the only ones who didn't know about this?"

"Then you were either _really_ drunk, or -"

"Joker, I will _end_ you," Shepard spat.

Scoffing, Joker said, "Hey, I wasn't the one who leaked that, so don't give me any shit. Not my fault you can't keep it in your pants. Besides, my bones are brittle enough already. I don't need another fracture," he defended himself. "Look, reporters don't need much to go on to be able to spread rumors... but, c'mon, it's pretty freaking obvious you've being going on it for a while."

"Yeah, it's... there," Vega said, and hesitated. "Sorry, Loco - but when Blue came to the _Normandy_ and we had that poker match, all my suspicions of it being something between you and Esteban kinda stopped, comprender?"

It seemed like absolutely everyone knew about them, but that wasn't what pissed him off, as it was who wrote the damn article.

Khalisah Bint Al-Jilani.

 _Of course._

She never left him alone when it came to coverage in the media. If the media found out about his involvement with the Tenth Street Reds and his past drug-addiction, things would complicate even more, seeing that his unjust actions had far too many times been overlooked. His involvement with the Reds - Anderson covered it up. The batarian relay on Aratoht - the Alliance covered it up.

It seemed like the Alliance always threw him a bone without having him pay for it. Now, it was the matter of fraternization between him and his XO. He wouldn't be shocked if the Alliance found out and covered that up, either.

Crossing his arms again, Shepard said, "I've got no idea what you guys are on about."

"Your pheromones reveals differently."

Shepard blew hard through his nose. Javik's addition didn't exactly help to have his argument seem convincing. It both amazed and confused him how protheans were able to read a person simply by touch or observation.

 _Yeah. Thanks a bunch, Javik._

Garrus' mandibles twitched into a grin. "Spirits... No need to keep up the act," he said smug, and Shepard grimaced. Kaidan picked up the magazine to look at the article. "Did you really think we'd flush you out to Hackett like that?"

"That's irrelevant," he flagged it off, before moving his gaze to Kaidan. "Hell, what does it say?"

Sighing, Kaidan said, "It says... 'Commander Shepard and Major Alenko uses their Spectre status as an excuse to oppress Alliance regulations that clearly states that fraternization is illegal among the navy. A soldier of a higher rank is not allowed to engage romantic and or sexual activities with a fellow subordinate, as an intimate connection between the two soldiers transpires into discriminatory treatment upon the rest of the crew, rather prioritizing their egoistic needs than the importance of the mission. Having the _Normandy_ on the front-lines may prove problematic."

Shepard released his arms. "I couldn't see any cameras," he murmured, taking after the bridge of his nose.

"Actually, I -I kinda felt like we were being watched." Kaidan leant back, throwing the magazine to the table's surface. "I saw something by the far wall, and looking at these images, it seems like it was taken from that position. Hell, I thought I was just being paranoid."

"Damn reporters."

"Let's face it," Garrus chimed in, leaning forward. "The intimate contact, the sideways glances - and let's not forget the leaked footage, either." Shepard opened his mouth to protest "...and the fact that the very same night was when Kaidan never returned to the crew's quarters, and -" Garrus faked a gasp "-get this... EDI said over the intercom that your camcorder was to remain offline. What a coincidence, hmm?"

Shepard's mouth slammed shut.

 _Oh. That._

Smirking over her beer, Traynor watched the conversation intently. He could tell that she was having a great time. Kaidan cleared his throat and seemed to know that they were running out of options.

"I -I told you, Commander," Kaidan said. "I told you they'd ask questions."

Shepard sighed. "It was private. We were discussing -"

"-'Spectre business'," Joker waved him off. "Yeah, yeah. We get the gist. Your mouth might lie, but Kaidan's face can't, seeing that it's - like - an entirely new shade of red. He lit up like a goddamn beacon." Kaidan gave Shepard an apologetic look that had his abdomen churn, as it wasn't like it was his fault. "C'mon, man. Give us some credit."

"If _that's_ how Spectres discuss business," Garrus broke in, grinning. "I'm glad I bailed out from training."

Samantha broke into a giggle-fit.

The crew apparently thought they had sex. Classic. Truth is, they just shared a bed.

Sighing, Kaidan said, "C'mon, Shepard. It -it's fine. They'd find out eventually," he muttered, as Shepard grunted and took after his face with both hands. "Hell, like they said... the Alliance doesn't need to know."

"Well, it's about damn time you two jumped the hay!" Joker called, ignoring the death-glare he received from his CO. "Lucky for you, the vid didn't pick up anything specific. Taken out of context, that conversation could mean one hell of a lot of things, looking away from the fact that Kaidan was yammering about wanting more moments with 'people he wants to screw.' Yeah, good luck explaining that to Hackett."

"You could always say you were completely borracho," Vega said. "I mean, that's helped me out of some seriously tight spots."

Kaidan put his cards face-down. "For the record, I -I said 'people I care about'," he corrected Joker, and pulled up from the chair. Joker shot up his hands in surrender, and Kaidan turned to him. "Shepard. We need to talk. Find me, okay?"

Nodding, he watched as Kaidan left the room.

"Foolish primitive. The human soldier is distracting you. Throw it out the airlock."

Shepard sighed. "I'm not throwing Kaidan out the airlock, Javik. Neither are you," he said wearily, rolling his shoulders. That was apparently protheans' only way of dealing with problems "...and Kaidan's a 'he' not an 'it'."

"It does not matter. If the cycle continues and the reapers persists, we would all be dead, among the ashes. That would make us all 'it'."

He raised a hand only to let it fall away at his side.

"Why do I bother?" he asked no one, walking away.


	23. Ch 23: Butterfly Effect

**Chapter 23: Butterfly Effect**

* * *

" _You're placing me in a difficult position, son." - David Anderson_

In which Anderson is being a true MVP.

* * *

 **A/N:** Incoming sex-scene in the next chapter - not detailed enough to place this fanfic on the 'M' rating though... I think (if you disregard my use of sexual humor and language, but seriously, if Jack's in a fanfiction... swearing is obligatory, or stuff would be OOC. I'm trying my best to write them all in-character.)

* * *

Kaidan had yet to forget about Gellix and the way John nearly died. Again. This time, right there in front of him.

An Atlas mech had targeted him and Kaidan had simply frozen up. Paralyzed. He watched in horror and only managed to get back to himself when Jacob Taylor, one of the Cerberus operatives that helped him out during the collector mission, jumped out of the shuttle to go grab him. John had made a reckless move and strayed far too away from the damn team as he tried to gun the mech down.

It was one of those moments where you just freeze up, mind racing with a dozen different scenarios, all of them bad.

Having that happen again might result in being forced to see the situation play out, and later realize that if you acted just a few seconds sooner, you could've helped. You could've prevented something bad from happening. It took him back to the time before the first _Normandy_ went down. Of course, if Kaidan had stayed to help John in getting Joker away from the cockpit, then the ones he evacuated wouldn't have made it out.

Those were the hard calls. The decision to sacrifice one of the many. The choice to leave someone behind. Being in that moment was far more challenging than debriefing the situation later. Aratoht was an example. Having a button that could wipe out a whole relay and angering thousands of batarians - killing the 300 000 others along the way - before you. One man should never have such a responsibility. Forced to deal with the consequences.

Batarians were understandably still sore after that. Now it was this bad media publicity thing in the middle of it all. Kaidan wasn't one to break Alliance regulations. John probably couldn't care less if they were exposed, but Kaidan wasn't him, even if they mostly shared the same views. Kaidan didn't want to break it off, no way in hell, but he was willing to wait until after the war. At least it gave a moral boost of winning it, knowing he could finally get back to him, and feel those lips again.

Lost in thought, he startled when the door opened. "Hey... there you are."

He watched as John slid into the chair opposites him, smirking at him, having his abdomen flutter. In that moment, he realized that if he had found out about John's interests back on the _SR-1,_ he would be willing to break those regs. Kaidan thought he was old enough to realize that putting duty before pleasure was for the best in the long run, but John... John disproved that. He was too good to pass up.

"Are you flirting with me?" John asked, eyes dancing with amusement.

 _Horrible attempt, I know._

Kaidan snorted. "If you have to ask, I'm clearly out of practice," he said, ducking his head before a mischievous glint caught his eye. "Oh, and when we get time... you'll have to let me practice." John froze up.

 _That one worked._

Pleased with his reaction, he went off-topic. "Look, Shepard. I, ah..." he said, and closed his eyes. "I've got to be straight with you."

"Right on point, then. Go on."

"I -I'm not really good at dealing with my private affairs becoming the story of the week, you know?" he said, figured he'd be as blunt as possible. "Either we keep it low-key until after this war or we tell them what's going on and accept my reassignment." John remained silent and averted his eyes. "C'mon, John... talk to me. I can only speak for myself. How do you want to do this?"

"Okay, first of all - both your options suck." Kaidan couldn't hold back the small smile forming on his mouth "...but either is the way for this to blow over. Option one... we know we can trust the crew to keep it under wraps. I'm worried about Allers, though. She's definitely going to want an input on this, and hell, I don't really want to punch her in the face. She's one of the few reporters I don't completely despise."

"And Khalisah?" Kaidan asked.

Scowling, John said, "I'll... try to hold back. No promises, though. As for option two... it -" He shook his head, leaning back. "Who the hell am I kidding? That's only going to make things worse. You're my sanity."

He felt his expression mellow. Sanity. Of all the things he could've said, that one hit closest to home.

John's gaze pinned him. "Call it bullshit if you like, but I need you in this."

"Then we keep it under wraps. Good to get that cleared up," he replied with a smile, although it faltered as he let out a sigh. "You know, I've just been sitting here thinking..."

"Uh-oh. Okay. Hit me with it."

He had been thinking about those ex-Cerberus scientists back on Gellix. They seemed like good people as they saved John's life back there. Even brought him back. Cerberus had apparently used over four billion credits on John's reconstruction, so Illusive Man had gone out of his way, definitely over budget. Kaidan was aware of John's abilities, but he was still one man behind all that steel plate and authority, and he loved that about him. If it wasn't for the Illusive Man, John wouldn't be here today, and knowing that created far more conflict than he wished for. The guy even gave him all the resources he needed to help the colonies.

John seemed conflicted as well, easing up Kaidan's concerns just a little, opening his eyes to the fact that Cerberus was more than a simple terrorist group. He asked all these question in hope that he could get some kind of insight on the Illusive Man, but he turned up empty handed, even if John answered him to the best of his abilities. Now, Illusive Man wanted to control the reapers, obviously having lost his damned mind.

"Did you ever see this coming from them?" Kaidan asked, but rephrased that. "From him. Sorry. I don't know... what I want you to say here. I guess I'm just looking for some sort of insight on the Illusive Man. Something."

"Back then, he wanted what was best for humanity, and he had resources to spare," John said, and he could see the usually stoic lines on his face falter. He looked troubled. Almost worried. "But then it became humanity first and at any cost. And that... that's a very different thing. But this? No. I never saw this coming from him."

That did explain their temporary alliance.

"Hmm. Okay," he muttered, and nodded. "Well thanks, Shepard. I'm glad we could talk about this."

"Meanwhile, you should find a way to take your mind off things."

Snorting, Kaidan ducked his head. "I know. Remember that Joker did ask me to give him some poker tips. We both know he keeps losing his shirt to James."

"Good luck with that. Joker has a terrible poker face."

Kaidan smiled. "Heh, great," he said, before sucking in a breath. "Well, I like a challenge."

Whiskey-brown met icy-blue, smile softening fondly, although it soon faltered. There was yet the matter around Gellix that he wanted to discuss, but when he opened his mouth, they heard the speakers cackle, causing them both to look up.

 _"Shepard, Admiral Hackett and Anderson are waiting in the comm-room,"_ Joker said, mockingly. _"I'm rooting for you!"_

"Hold that thought. We'll talk later," John said, having noticed how he had something else on his mind.

He couldn't respond before John reduced the distance between them, grasping his chin, tilting his head up to place a chaste peck on his lips. When he pulled away, Kaidan smiled into the kiss and opened his eyes again to see John smiling back at him.

Later...

 _I'd like that._

"Yeah. See you around."

* * *

Waiting for John to get back from the meeting with Hackett was more nerve wrecking than anticipated. Knowing that Anderson was there did complicate things. He had known John ever since he was a teen and could most likely catch him in a lie.

Kaidan was convinced he was going to be reassigned the next day.

He had returned to the poker-table while awaiting the all-clear. Joker had retreated to the cockpit and set course for Utukku. Around five minutes after Shepard entered the comm-room, he was about to rise up from his chair and start packing up, but Garrus pulled him back down.

Neither he nor John had seen the vid, so he had no idea what to expect. While waiting, Garrus found the vid on the extranet to show Kaidan what was out there, giving an advantage if anyone asked questions. The damn thing had over billions of hits already and had spread like wildfire. Khalisah had probably doubled her ratings after the leak. That was the problem with reporters. They rarely care that they might be ruining their subjects' lives and takes the pay as a priority. Reporters didn't need much raw material to create a story that civilians chose to believe in.

It was a short vid. Probably around three minutes. Kaidan was lucky that he had reacted as quickly as he did, back on Apollo's, as the feed shut off when his gaze moved the camera's way. That was it. Nothing specific.

They had the upper hand.

* * *

 _"Commander Shepard."_ Hackett was right on point as always, and Shepard was aware of the significance of the situation. _"_ _I'm sure you know what this is about."_

Shepard folded his arms across his chest and leant back as he flicked on a vid screen. The vid started with him bumping into Jack in the doorway, camera zoomed in on the two, obviously handheld. They talked for a while but were too far away from the camera to pick up the audio. Thankfully. Shepard entered Apollo's only moments later. He felt slight uneasiness - although his expression remained deadpan - when it showed Kaidan propping his arm to Shepard's backrest. He had no idea that he had been that close to him at the time. A few minutes later, Kaidan frowned, and then his gaze drifted to the camera.

The feed shut off.

 _"As you can see, we're in a bit of a mess here. If the rumors proves themselves to be true, we have a problem,"_ Hackett said. _"I'm aware you're both Spectres, but even if that might be, you're still in the Alliance. It's not illegal in your case, but if there's something going on here, I need to have Major Alenko assigned to a different ship. I'm sure you understand that we need the *Normandy* on the front lines and without any form of conflict aboard. Especially now when the reapers are at our doorstep."_

"That's not necessary, Admiral."

 _"Clarify."_

Shepard needed Kaidan with him on this or he would break - it would be so simple to just tell Hackett that - but it wasn't a valid reason. He wouldn't allow his unjust actions after Horizon to repeat themselves, either.

Shepard wasn't himself after Horizon. He had taken far more risks than he usually did, easily snapped at everyone and everything, and the crew had connected the dots that Kaidan was the reason for his sudden change of tone. Hell, he had even been an ass to Anderson, and he didn't deserve a single harsh word delivered upon him. Shepard was lucky to have Garrus there to knock some sense into him.

Anderson had called him out on his change of attitude, but Shepard went as far as to tell him to 'fuck off' and hung up on him.

Having Kaidan being pissed at him, and absent, almost broke him. He'd never told Kaidan that. If he did, he would blame himself, and take Shepard's actions under his wing as if he was the one committing the crimes. He didn't want that to happen. Kaidan had enough to worry about. His father being MIA, his mother being alone, not knowing where the rest of his family was. Shepard didn't have a family, and in some way, he was glad. It meant that he didn't have to worry about their safety.

It was ridiculous how childish Shepard was acting back then. He was aware of that. Like he was no longer a 32-year-old adult and decided to be a teenager again. Acting and reacting as if he was still in the Reds. It was concerning how such a small thing could affect people and more in such a big way. It was living proof of the Butterfly Effect coming to fruition. Shepard hoped he didn't have to lie to strengthen his argument during their conversation, but just to be sure, he avoided eye contact with Anderson.

"Major Alenko and I have always been close, joking around like that to keep each other on our toes," he replied, without skipping a beat. "He keeps me in check, and if I'm going out of line, he's there to get me back on track. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't have his counsel throughout the years. He's my XO for a reason. I'm also aware that the Major has headaches and - more severely - migraines. Those images? I learned a massaging technique in my teenage years to reduce the pain and offered to do the same for him. Helps keeping the painkillers stocked."

It wasn't a direct lie. He knew a way to ease the pain, but still, Kaidan didn't have a headache at Apollo's.

Shepard took after his opposite shoulder to untangle the knots that had formed. "I care for my whole crew and he's no exception," he added, being an honest answer "...and I would've done the exact same thing for the rest of the crew seeing that I need them at 100 percent through this. Alenko doesn't receive any form of 'special treatment' but he has been there the longest. Together with Joker."

They spoke for a good fifteen minutes. Hackett took a moment. Shepard waited.

 _"Very well. I'm going to trust you with this information, Commander. It better be legit."_

Hopefully, he had saved the galaxy by then. Maybe Hackett would go easier on him if he found out then. After the war.

"Yes, sir," he replied.

 _"Good. I'm glad we understand each other. I'm expecting an update after you've taken care of the situation on Utukku. We need as many people in on this as possible. Both scientists and soldiers alike. Hackett out."_

Hackett disconnected but Anderson remained.

Placing his hand behind his back, he sighed as his eyes fluttered shut. He definitely knew. Anderson knew him far too well for this bullshit. Nevertheless, he did wait until Hackett was out of earshot. Again, Anderson was willing to risk everything for him. Shepard prepared for the lecture he was bound to get. It wasn't new. He was used to it.

 _"Shepard. You're placing me in a difficult position, son. I hope you're appreciating the risk I'm taking pretending that I don't know."_

"Hell, I already owe you a debt I can never repay," he said, shaking his head. "I can't ask you to do that, Anderson."

 _"And I can't on good conscience ask you to accept Major Alenko being reassigned, which is why there are regulations against these kinds of things."_ Shepard found himself frowning, and the lines on Anderson's face retracted although he attempted to remain deadpan. Anderson shook his head, taking a moment before he spoke again. _"Hell, I haven't seen you smile like this in years."_

Leave it to Anderson to see small details like that.

 _"You don't owe me anything, Shepard. Maybe I'm getting soft for my old age, but I for one believe that the Major being besides you is for the best. Moral support is important. Even so, that doesn't change the fact that it's not called for, in the Alliance's eyes. Putting aside my personal opinions on the matter, taken into a more strategic approach, I remember your change of attitude after Horizon. It reminded me of the kid I picked up on the streets, and I didn't like what I was seeing. It has later become obvious to me why the mood swings occurred. I had my suspicions, but nothing specific._

 _"I don't want those days to be repeated. That would be more than costly for the Alliance. Hell, the whole galaxy. I have however no authority to dismiss such a claim, which is why you need to keep this low-key. For both our sakes."_

Shepard was speechless.

"Thank you, Anderson."

 _"Stay safe out there, son. Anderson out."_

Now he only needed to break the rumors off with Allers.

* * *

Shepard nearly froze in the doorway when he returned to the others.

All eyes were upon him when he entered the room, cocking a brow at the downright hilarious sight. The way he kept his expressionless look close to his heart seemed to irk them to no end. Everyone except Kaidan. He could see right through that with ease. Shepard locked eyes with him.

"We're good," Kaidan said, turning away before he moved a whiskey bottle up to his mouth.

"Good man. You know, guys? I'm kinda glad you know." He approached the others by the table, glimpsing Kaidan arching a curious brow when Shepard removed the bottle he was holding from his grasp to put it aside.

Shepard's voice lowered into a murmur. "Hell, now I don't have to hold back..."

He grasped Kaidan's chin, thumb settling at the cute cleft in his chin that he absolutely loved, tilting his head towards himself as he bent down. Not preparing him for, or even warn him, about the intense kiss he received. Forcing his tongue between the gap, he heard a muffled, unwilling sound escape Kaidan's mouth that closely resembled a whimper. He felt Kaidan's cheeks go warm in embarrassment, so Shepard simply cupped his face, pulling him in deeper. Kaidan was passive in his arms.

Garrus blinked. "Okay, I never thought I would say this... but I regret being nosy."

"Yup," Vega added.

Breaking the kiss, he gave the others a smug smile.

 _Payback for meddling in my affairs._

He was nice enough not to mention the way Garrus and Tali always swooned over each other, though.

Pulling away, he saw a stunned Kaidan and almost felt bad for him. He grabbed Kaidan's whiskey again, whirling in a half-circle around his chair as he took a sip before latching a leg over Kaidan's thigh. Shepard draped the arm holding the bottle around his shoulder with a deadpan - with a hint of smug - look. They finished the game about half an hour later. Kaidan must've forgiven him, because his hand had quickly slipped under Shepard's shirt and to the small of his back. He was drawing circles with his fingertips, out of view for the others, and Shepard simply had to remind himself not to get _too_ excited.

There was time for that later.

Kaidan was the first to be interviewed by Allers, as they went from rank. The rest of the crew had collected themselves in the same room or looked at the broadcast on the extranet live to see how it all would turn out.

 _"I'm Diana Allers, and welcome to Battlespace,"_ the reporter said. _"Today we have an exclusive goodie for you, folks. Here we will clear up the notorious fraternization case that's gone viral over the night on live broadcast. We're lucky to receive closure as soon as we do, seeing that this is a matter of utmost topicality that formed many curious questions, requesting answers. I'm here with Major Kaidan Alenko, being one of the subjects regarding this case, and later we will have Commander John Shepard's inquiry as well."_

This was going to be a long night...

It was seven minutes into the interview. The limit was ten. Shepard was sure that their plan would backfire but Kaidan was answering every question with ease. It was admirable to the fullest.

 _"If there was any form of fraternization between the Commander and a first-class member of the crew, would the mission still be top-priority, or would he proceed in 'discriminatory treatment' as rumored?"_

 _"The Commander always puts the priority of the mission first,"_ Kaidan replied. _"He has been in the Alliance long enough, and has risen to high enough rank, to be well-aware of how important the missions we receive are. Not a single report has been delivered after the deadline and he's never late for a debriefing. He would rather pick a mission over his own well-being. Sleep, food and nourishment are all second-prior."_

Diana moved the omni-tool back to her mouth. _"If these are simply rumors, how can you be sure that the Commander wouldn't be affected by having a relationship with a crew member, when you haven't experienced it firsthand?"_

Shit.

 _"That's an irrelevant question, but as it is, I've known Shepard for a long time,"_ he replied. _"We've served together for years. Placing me in the battlefield with the Commander would be just like assigning him to the same squad as Admiral Anderson, or any foot-soldier, because the *Normandy* has been through hell together. We've fought rogue Spectres, Cerberus, geth, crime-bosses, reapers... things like that tends to make people grow close. That's simply life in the military. You learn to trust and appreciate your crew. They become like brothers and sisters. We'll all willingly die for each other if necessary but the mission is always top-priority. I know this, and so does Shepard."_

Shepard wondered why in hell Kaidan wasn't in charge of the ship instead of him.

Kaidan was professional. Calm. He had no idea how to compete with that. Kaidan would do one hell of a better job than he did if he was in charge of all this, but at the same time, Shepard knew the struggles and restless nights coming along with it. Those were concerns that he was glad he didn't have to worry about. Seeing Kaidan all worn out would be too much. That was the reason why he kept most things to himself. His concerns. His doubts. Again, those shouldn't burden anyone but him.

 _"Our minutes are up,"_ Diana finished. _"This has been Diana Allers of Battlespace, interviewing Major Alenko. Next up we have Commander Shepard's view on the whole situation, so don't change channel, as we will be back in a few."_

* * *

Kaidan could finally breathe out when he approached the others. Reporters were experts on taking the tiniest amount of information and produce a dozen questions around it. Diana Allers was no exception. You had to be careful with what you said. It could've gone much worse so he was thankful it went the way it did. A single slip-up could be costly. For the time being, Kaidan was just glad that the interview was over.

His attention drifted to John sitting in the exact same spot he had left him, ripping a napkin into tiny pieces, looking into thin air. Garrus sat opposite John, who just gave him a shrug. It seemed like he wasn't able to get any contact with the man before him.

Approaching him, he carefully grasped John's hand with his. He nearly jumped up and out of his chair with eyes wide, but when his eyes darted to the man yet holding his hand, they fluttered shut as he exhaled slowly. His shoulders slumped. He opened his mouth to say something, so Kaidan squeezed his hand, letting him know it was all right. He let go of him and propped into the chair besides.

It didn't take long before John was back to his normal self. Even cracking a smile at one of Garrus' jokes about Tali and her obsession of turian brandy. Kaidan had to admit that he missed her. They spoke for about fifteen minutes before Allers entered the room.

"Commander Shepard," Allers said. "Do you have time for that interview now?"

Clearing his throat, John nodded. "Let's take this to my quarters."

She began heading for the elevator and John was on her heel. Kaidan could see John looking over his shoulder and their gazes collided. He mouthed a "Good luck" and offered him a reassuring smile. John returned the gesture, although his subtle smile soon faltered, before focusing on the path in front of him. All this had to tire him out to no end. Kaidan wished that he could somehow just take the pain away, but he could do nothing but offer his support. This would all be over soon. Just a few more minutes.

The interview with John had a lot more questions involved. He had cut almost every single question short and that was the result of it. Kaidan had himself dragged out the answers so he could avoid just that. John was nearly defensive in his way of answering them, shifting uncomfortably during the whole interview, rubbing the back of his neck, taking after the bridge of his nose, a permanent frown stuck to his face. It was clear to them all how upset he was about the whole situation. Seeing John all stressed out like that, he wanted nothing but to wrap his arms around him, tell him everything would be fine.

 _"This has been Diana Allers of Battlespace, and with that, the matter is concluded,"_ Allers finished the interview with. _"Tune in for our next big case: 'Is the popular Blasto-series a bad influence on children?' Good night and stay strong."_

Kaidan knew exactly how to get him in a better mood...


	24. Ch 24: Unleash

**Chapter 24: Unleash**

* * *

 _"Show me." - John Shepard_

In which our two leads have sex (finally.)

* * *

 **A/N, *TRIGGER WARNING*** Contains sex. Like, 90% of the chapter is foreplay/sex. 2% is angst and the last 8% is fluff. Just FYI.

* * *

Shepard wearily leant his back to the table in his cabin after Allers left the room, hands propping to its surface. His head was bowed and heavy, a focused glare on the floor before him. He no longer needed formalwear for the interview, so he settled with his civvies and a dark grey tank top. He no longer needed to worry about anything else but the reaper situation. That in itself was tiring enough. There was an intergalactic war and the locals cared about gossip more than anything, but then again, they cling to what's familiar.

Hell, as long as his private affairs weren't among the endless gossip, he was glad they had something to occupy their time with. Get their mind off things. When Shepard wanted to get his mind off things, he sought out his friends. Usually, he sought out Kaidan first. That wasn't just after they 'happened.' Even on the _SR-1,_ he came to him. What separated Kaidan from his past lovers was that the two could enjoy silence altogether. His other partners always believed they had to fill that silence with words. Shepard could enjoy the silence. The only time he despised silence was the silent treatment from people he cared about.

He tilted his head up when he heard the door slide open. The concentrated look on his face dimmed when seeing the warm smile appearing on Kaidan's lips, taking all his troubles and concerns away. Shepard pushed himself gently away from the table and met him more than halfway. Strong and protective arms wrapped around his waist and he pulled him in, melting into his lover's embrace, drawing him in closer.

His face was buried in the grope where his neck and shoulder separated, and for a moment, they just stood there.

"Hey... there you are," Kaidan muttered, pressing their foreheads together. Shepard's eyes were halfway closed. Expression stoic. Neither of them brought up what had been happening lately. Sighing, Kaidan said, "We need to talk."

"Sure." Shepard pulled himself away, and his warmth retracted. He turned before approaching the desk to grab a data pad lying on its surface. "Let's hear it, major."

"Gellix," he replied.

They had already talked about Gellix, the ex-Cerberus scientists, the Illusive Man. Holding back or lying to Kaidan didn't make any sense so he had no idea where his paranoia came from. His deadpan expression stayed true as he swiped through the mission statistics for the fifth time.

"What about?"

"'What about'?" Kaidan echoed, and he could almost hear him scowl. "Hell, you know exactly what I'm talking about." Shepard looked stunned when the data pad was snatched from his hands, turning with its movement. "Gellix," he repeated, throwing the report back to the table. "When you strayed way too damn far from the ground team. Almost getting yourself killed in the process. _Gellix."_

Shepard blinked. "The Atlas -"

"Exactly. The Atlas. You know as well as I do that we'd have a better chance on high ground, and hell, that taking out its shields without biotics is nearly impossible," he cut him off. "Look, I just froze up back there. I -I couldn't do anything, okay? Things could've ended badly. You should've at least given me a warning. I could've helped."

"K, it's fine -"

"Like hell it is!" Seeing the fire in Kaidan's eyes, his unwavering glare, he found himself surprised that his biotics didn't flare up. "The past two years tore me apart." Shepard's look mellowed. "I can't lose you again."

 _So that's what this is about._

The war was uncertain and there was no way of telling if they would win or not. Another reason why he held back. Another reason why he distanced himself from any form of attachment. Losing Ace hurt like a son-of-a bitch and he wasn't going to put Kaidan in that position. It wasn't what he wanted to hear but there was no use lying.

"I can't promise that, K."

Without humor, Kaidan snorted, "I know... and knowing that, I -" he began, only to cut himself off. With eyes briefly closing, he exhaled again before he felt a familiar hand trail up his hip. "Just... be careful next time, okay?"

He could try.

His eyes closed on impulse when he saw Kaidan leaning in, feeling soft lips pressing against the corner of his mouth, savoring the sensation. He only had to horizontally tilt his head before their mouths collided into a hot kiss. His whole body went warm, pressing himself up against Kaidan who willingly played along. He shuddered when feeling a hint of cold puff hit his abdomen as his tank top was escalated just enough for hands to slide up beneath. Shepard's skin heated up again at his touch.

He wanted nothing but to reassure him that he was fine. Alive and breathing. So he deepened the kiss.

There was a fire there. A need for something more as the grip closed around his waist, seeking the arch of his ribs and the curve of his waist, before being pulled even closer. He wasn't the only one wanting more.

Kaidan somewhat restrained turned his head to break free again when eager hands tugged at his civvies.

"John. Just... hold up a minute," he muttered, and pushed himself away after being released him from his hold. "Look, I -I know this is going to sound like sappy bullshit -"

"K," he said. "C'mon. Sappy doesn't mean bullshit. Talk to me."

Kaidan inhaled a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "There's a reason why I pulled away after Apollo's," he said, leaning to the table as his hands connected with its cold surface. "This... this means a lot to me, okay? We've known each other for a long time, I get that, long enough for all this to be real. But now, when the reapers are literally around the corner, I just... Hell, I want to make sure we're doing this for the right reasons."

"Okay, that kinda stung." His voice is low but firm, defeated, almost exasperated. Kaidan raised a hand to stop him from continuing. "You think this is just a past-time for me until the reapers are defeated."

"John, that's not what I meant."

Shepard sighed. "Fuck, sorry," he muttered, rubbing the area above his furrowed brow. That was uncalled for. This whole thing had brought the worst out of him. "Didn't mean to snap at you like that, I just..."

Without seeming fazed, Kaidan simply nodded in understanding. Shepard looked at him closely, taking a moment to study his now weary features, seeing the muscles in his jaw tighten with an otherwise deadpan look about him. Kaidan reached out to trap his wrist, gesturing him to come closer. So he did, straightening up so they were face-to-face, feeling an arm curling around his waist.

The heat returned.

"You're right," Kaidan muttered, tugging him closer for their foreheads to connect again. "About everything. I think about losing you and I just can't stand it - and the galaxy will keep going - even the reapers will come around again... But you and I... _we_ are important right now... and this is what will never happen. _Us._ John, you make me feel..." He sighed, his breath ticking his skin.

Kaidan met his gaze. "Human."

Shepard's heart began racing. Clear beats. Barely able to count to one before the next arrived.

Eyes darkening, he murmured, "You giving up, major?" He earned an amused snort from Kaidan, removing the tension between them now broken down and lying on the ground ten miles behind. "I can make you feel much more than that... C'mere."

He saw a mischievous smirk forming on Kaidan's mouth when he glanced down at his lips. He needed to feel them upon his own again. Kaidan leant in, mouth moving for teeth to nip at his jawline. The hand on Shepard's back held him in place. He was already head-over-heels for him, and yet, Kaidan had his wicked and cruel way with him. Tasting the sweet payback for his shameless flirting. Shepard offered him his neck, feeling lips moving against his now exposed skin, biting, sucking.

Kaidan pulled away by inches, a soft and wet sound escaping his mouth when the connection broke, going right down.

Barely able to hold back the frustrated growl building up in his throat, he sensed a hand settling at the small of his back again. It now slid below his tank top, thrusting him against himself. He heard him exhale slowly, familiar to a deep sigh, as if he had been holding in.

"I want you, John," Kaidan whispered, his tone thick with lust.

His husky voice was pure sex, boosting Shepard's already desperate need to feel him against himself tenfold, hearing his words filled with promise.

He could barely wait for him to prove it. It was pleasurable torture. If Kaidan was pining even half as much as him, he sure as hell was more disciplined than any other biotic, proving his statement three years back as false.

"Show me."

There's no other way to describe what happened next. Shepard felt Kaidan's leash break. He chose to ignore whatever held him back.

Lips came against his, hard and fierce, desperate and needing - returned just as desperately - finally giving into each other, unleash themselves at their desires after three years of self-pining. Unreserved passion and fire met him with an endless demand for more. He felt himself melting against him, and as teeth clicked together before relocating each other's mouths, Kaidan's whole body backed him into the table.

Shepard's hands grasped the edge not to fall, the data pad knocking off the surface, hitting the floor in a light thud.

His hips arched upwards with the curve of the furniture. He muffled a moan as Kaidan pressed up hard against him. Hands tugged at his clothes before he was pulled back up to his lips with such force he nearly saw stars. Kaidan tasted of whiskey they had earlier consumed as he backed up just enough to yank the top off over Shepard's head - the mild breeze touching his torso - launching it into the chair.

A hand slipped up the small of his back again, sending violent bolts of electricity to every nerve in his body, heating him right up again.

Kaidan's tongue plunged between his lips, tasting him, twining around his. In desperation, Shepard's hands moved to tear at his overalls in attempt to separate him from the stubborn cloth. Their intensely passionate kiss turned needing, wanting, longing, frantic. So frantic they both needed to start controlling their breathing while short huffs unevenly escaped their nostrils, almost in tact. Shepard's want to feel more of Kaidan's skin against his own was overwhelming. He felt the hunger to give and receive. To touch and be touched. He only managed to slip his hands up Kaidan's shirt by a few inches as his whole length pressed up against him.

The fish were surely being given a show.

Kaidan released him and splayed a hand on his chest, shoved himself away, just enough for their lips to part. Shepard grunted in muffled protest, even if they both knew they needed a moment to breathe, their lips swollen. Kaidan angled him so his back faced the open with no table limiting them. Shepard allowed his eyes to wander to the hand that had moved down to his abdomen. Blood poured in his veins as he could feel a slight aura forming around him. Eyes halfway open he tilted his head up to see Kaidan's biotics flaring up. His thoughts couldn't recollect before a biotic pulse forced his back up against the fish tank.

The air was briefly knocked out of him, and he heard a brief cracking sound from behind him, but chose to ignore it.

His eyes angled up to see the biotics glimmering around Kaidan's body. The beauty left him breathless. He intently studied the perfect figure of the man before him, taking in the sight, making him breathless and heady. The contrasts between light blue and the color of his smooth skin reflected pleasantly, intertwining with each other, the shock-ish substance forming an aura around his perfect form.

The light blue of his biotics and the darker marine-blue of his overalls cooperated well with each other. Nevertheless, as much as Kaidan suited his overalls, he could think of nothing else but getting him out of them.

Fast.

Kaidan was aware he was on display.

His gaze was predatory. "With pleasure, Commander..." he murmured, as answer to his previous demand.

Shepard lost his thoughts.

He could see him calmly begin to approach him, hands sliding in a seductive manner to the edge of his own shirt in the speed, pulling it off over his head before throwing it aside. Shepard's heart went to his throat. His flattened-out palm exposed to Kaidan's chest, moving it up to between his pecs, seeing eyes fluttering shut. Shepard draped his arm around his shoulder when his hand reached its stop. Lips connected again as a strong arm curled around his waist while the other encountered the cold glass by his hip.

He was left breathless by the press of Kaidan's torso - hard and bare against his own - soft skin unusual for a soldier.

Kaidan frowned, turning his head slightly, breaking the kiss. Fingertips trailed the ragged edges on the crack of the glass. His expressions softened before meeting Shepard's glance, meaning to apologize.

 _Canadians._

He simply smirked in reply, angled his arm for fingers to delve into his dark hair for leverage, crushing lips against his to let him know that he didn't give a damn. Everything he cared about in this very moment was them. Alone. No one to interrupt.

A knee wedged between his thighs, thrusting him harder up against the tank, a strangled sound escaping his mouth. The force used was likely to leave bruising. Biotics faltered around him. Shepard gently bit into his upper lip and heard a strangled moan escape his mouth, sending him throbbing. He was far from new to this, but he'd never experienced a more divine feeling than with Kaidan as his partner, as if they belonged. Skin against skin. Kaidan's tongue exploring his mouth. Hot. Swirling around his own. The kiss hardened as Shepard pushed himself away from the glass, Kaidan backing a step with him, Shepard's hand roaming from his hair to his chest.

He began to push him towards the bed.

His heart pounded faster and faster at his every step. The beats were fast and hard, feeling as if it would break through at any moment, while only the fabric of their lower garments separated them. Shepard backed him until his calves jolted into the soft fabric of the sheet behind him - nearly sending him tumbling over - before Shepard felt the rim of his pants grasped, preventing his fall, allowing the kiss to unexpectedly deepen.

They both kicked off their boots, Kaidan not wasting a moment to begin working off Shepard's belt.

Something went up for him when he was about to lower them into the bed. Shepard broke the kiss and softly cursed under his breath while at it. He didn't want to ruin this moment but he had little choice in the matter.

"Whoa, hey... What's wrong?"

Shepard pried his eyes open, almost shyly rising them to peek at Kaidan's, looking at him with a darkened gaze full of what he could swear was love. Or desire. Probably an uncontrolled frenzy of both. His pupils were slightly dilated and they were both breathing heavily.

 _Shit, he thought he'd done something wrong, didn't he?_

He shook his head as if it his thought had been said aloud. His hand moved up Kaidan's forearm to cradle his wrist, thumb caressing his ulna, attempting to regain control over his breathing.

"Look, I hadn't really thought this far ahead, and I haven't had the time to stop at the Citadel to buy condoms. I'm good. I always check after I've had sex, but..."

The corners of Kaidan's lips drew upwards, showing the tips of his canines, undoubtedly amused.

"I'm, ah... I -I mean, you're safe with me. I'm... yeah. Healthy."

Shepard exhaled relieved. He didn't want to take any unnecessary risks on these grounds, so he was glad they got that cleared up. He was hoping that he hadn't ruined the mood, though, forcing them to try again the next day. He wanted this. Badly.

"Hell, I didn't spoil anything... right?"

Kaidan simply smirked at him before he felt lips pressing against his neck.

 _I'll take that as a 'no...'_

Moving his hand into his hair again as fingertips ghosted up his side, Kaidan backed up until their foreheads touched again. Shepard reached out to caress the scar on his lower lip, trailing his amazing, full mouth before finally settling at his jaw. He brushed his thumb against the area where his stubble stopped.

Leaning into the touch, Kaidan closed his eyes.

"Mm," he uttered into his chin, a sound close to a purr. The sound left goosebumps in its wake. "There's not much difference, but... In case you haven't been with a biotic before, we... We flare up when we -"

 _I know._

With a tilt of his head, their lips connected again, before he could finish. Capturing his face in his hands, Kaidan seemed more than willing to continue where they left off, as his fingers began to trail across the skin directly underneath the rim of his pants - dangerously close - until they reached his hips. Nails burrowed into his sides, pulling him as tightly as he can to himself, until there was no room for air between them. A gasp escaped his mouth before Kaidan once again captured it.

When their lips parted once again, Shepard didn't expect him to let his body drop to the bed, being forced along with him.

A shot of adrenaline flew through him as his lower body slammed into Kaidan's whose feet was yet planted on the floor, releasing a muffled groan at the impact, barely reflexes enough to mend the fall as his hands propped to the bed on each side of Kaidan's broad shoulders with a knee between his thighs. They were both breathing unevenly after the intensely passionate kiss. Shepard's eyes angled up to meet Kaidan's, whiskey-brown and dilated irises sparking with want, doing wonders to his insides. The exposed body lying beneath him made his chest flutter.

Having Kaidan exactly where he wanted him, he bent down, eyes closing as he lowered his mouth to his neck.

All movement slowed down as they now had all the time in the galaxy. Cherishing every second. The size of the chest beneath him increased as Kaidan sucked in a breath. Shepard could feel warm hands trailing up his legs to where his thighs separated from his calves. One of his own clenched into a fist around the cotton fabric. Another kiss, a bite, an impatient grinding of his hips making Kaidan moan. The sound was music to his ears as his muscles locked tight. He was getting restless as they had far from shredded enough clothes. Shepard was already feeling hot.

He pressed a kiss against his throat, yet another gentle bite, growing hungrier and hungrier of lust.

His hand moved to tug at the edge of Kaidan's overalls before he separated him from them, leaving him in nothing but his briefs. Kaidan lifted up slightly to sit, but he pushed him back down. He wasn't done. He needed to hear more of those sounds coming from those divine lips. Find out about his every single sweet spot. Pleasure him to let him know just how much he appreciated him. Cared for him. Wanted him. How much he _craved_ for him in this very moment.

A moment - awaited for three years - he damned well was going to savior.

Before he had the time to think, he again felt a hand at the small of his back, tipping him to the side. He sucked in a breath and found himself lying back down, his foot knocking over the boots he had earlier kicked off before the footwear exposed to the floor, Kaidan's body hovering over his own as heat clearly radiated between them. Knees were propped to the bed on each side of his body. Lips soon pressed against his collarbone, leaving him flushed and heady as if he'd taken a few too many drinks, before Kaidan pulled himself up in sitting position. He was about to bring him back down to his mouth until Kaidan slowly began to roll his hips.

Shepard clenched his jaw and helplessly slammed his head back to the bed, softly cursing under his breath.

The way he moved made him crazy. Hell, if he kept going like this, he wouldn't be able to hold out for long. It was difficult to say 'stop' when it felt so damn good. He was about to tell him, but when he opened his mouth, something comparable to a yelp escaped seeing that he had used slightly more force in his movement just then. Kaidan seemed to take the hint and flashed a smug smirk before bringing his hands to his hair to get it fixed again, fingers raking through it.

He was caught off-guard, so Shepard heaved himself up from the bed with a low growl, tipping him over again.

Kaidan made a strangled sound closely resembling a chuckle before Shepard suppressed it with his lips. He shifted closer as he felt Kaidan's knee up against his hip, seeking as much closure as possible as warm blood roared in ears, lips never parting. His hand trailed down Kaidan's waist towards the edge of his briefs. He could feel a foot hooking around his ankle, and with a gentle but forceful twist, he ended up on his back again with a groan. Muscles no longer tensing, Shepard submitted, accepting his defeat.

Looked like he was 'the bottom,' here... and, for the first time in forever, he was okay with that.

Shepard slid a flattened-out palm up between his pecs and pushed him up into sitting position, moving along with him. He saw Kaidan's brows furrow when he took ahold of the covers - a hand moving to the back of Kaidan's thigh before pushing their bodies up - tugging them aside. Kaidan's breath hitched as he surely hadn't expected to simply be lifted up like that. Shepard grinned wickedly at his startled expression before bringing a hand to the nape of Kaidan's neck, urging him to follow as he dropped to the bed again.

A strangled sound escaped Kaidan's mouth as he was forced along with him.

Shepard propped his forearm to the bed for a better position, dragging his body back so his whole length was in place. He felt a hand trailing his side, before it reached the edge of his lower overalls, pulling them down. His heart went to his throat when Kaidan brought his mouth to his lower regions. Shepard's eyes slammed shut when feeling his tongue dipping into his hipbone. Kaidan gently bit into it before moving his lips slightly, sucking the sensitive skin above into his mouth. Shepard moaned, leaning back as his hand moved up, fingers delving into his hair again.

Lips ghosted towards his abdomen, planting a hard kiss right above the edge of his briefs, before separating him from them.

His whole body went warm. He saw Kaidan darting his eyes down, lips cracking into a mischievous smirk, proud of his accomplishment. Kaidan crawled over him, positioning himself to face him again. He didn't realize he had been holding his breath until a hand pinned one of his arms to the bed in the height of his head. Teasing with him like that...

 _Son-of-a bitch._

His captured hand clenched into a fist as teeth gently nipped at his stubbled chin. He felt his pulse throbbing in his ears. With attempted force, he tried to release himself from the grip, to no avail. It was almost as if he had put a _Stasis Field_ on him.

 _Kinky,_ he thought... _but not completely uncalled for._

Plain torture, being that Kaidan's body was right there - almost fully parted from his clothes leaving his warm skin exposed - but his grip around his wrist preventing him from touch. His mouth was once again captured. He wasn't used to being manhandled and jerked around like this, but hell, he loved it. Kaidan tipped over for him to end up on top again. He took Shepard's hand in his and guided it down his own waist. His fingers encountered the edge of his briefs, and as Kaidan arched up his hips to make it easier for him, he tightened his brows and pulled them down.

It was Shepard's time to tip over.

His heart went to his throat as cloth no longer separated them. It had been a while since last time. Even longer since he bottomed. It didn't take long before Kaidan's lips were all over him with occasional bites, as if marking a route on a map, making him feel dazed. Dizzy. Drowning in pleasure. His head stared spinning on high gear. Shepard brought a hand to his neck and forced him up to his mouth again.

He reached out his other hand until he felt the nightstand beneath his fingertips.

Shepard touched the drawer, pulling it open, shutting it again when he found what he was looking for. The kiss broke when Kaidan looked to his side, smirking when he saw what he was holding before turning back, as Shepard draped the arm holding the bottle around his shoulder.

"Was bound to happen eventually," he murmured without shame, pressing a kiss to the corner of Kaidan's mouth.

He watched as Kaidan lightly bit into his lower lip, his lustful gaze adding to his already gained arousal, as he took the lubricant from him and sat up. Kaidan prepared them both with such control that he found himself swallowing before putting it aside.

Kaidan angled himself to face him again. They paused when lips were barely touching, breathing each other in, his familiar scent making him lightheaded. They locked eyes, and they lingered, enough for his heart to start pounding even faster. He was given a look, a questioning glance only meaning one thing. Shepard dug his fingers into his shoulder blades and gently shoved him inches down. Kaidan proceeded to part his knees for him even more to receive enough closure. His own heart beat more and more rapidly as everything else had simply been foreplay. It felt like no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, he could never get close enough to him.

Kaidan shifted his body as tightly as he could against his before he ducked his head - Shepard sliding a hand to the nape of his neck as the other settled at his hip - Kaidan giving him one last warning.

"Not too late to back out, sir," he whispered with a hint of tease, nibbling at his earlobe. "Last chance."

He let out an impatient growl closely resembling a wordless, _Just fuck me already,_ contemplating as if he should say it aloud to make it abundantly clear that he wasn't backing out. He felt Kaidan grin into his temple.

Sir.

Titles reminded him of regulations and made him feel like a rowdy teenager again being one of his obvious turn-ons. With that, Kaidan fell to his chest, placing a chaste kiss on the skin between his pecs before trailing a hand down his waist. Kaidan touched his thigh, slowly reaching the area where Shepard's thigh and calf separated, pulling it up.

Then, with a thrust, he pushed forward.

Throwing his head back in reaction, Shepard's eyes slammed shut as he tightened his grip around him, fingers reaching his amp port. Kaidan's breath hitched as Shepard's abrupt movement arched up his hips. Shepard barely managed to silence himself. Kaidan lowered himself onto him, and this time, he was unable to hold back the strangled moan. Teeth lightly bit into his collarbone as if attempting to hold back himself.

A hand was yet grasping his leg as the thumb caressed his escalated knee. The other hand curled around Shepard's waist. Kaidan then slowly began to move. All his movements were careful, showing no signs of needed rush. Shepard was thankfully distracted as he could feel kisses and gentle bites on his accessible areas.

Many of them were placed at his scars, making it obvious that Kaidan wasn't even slightly repulsed by them.

They set a rhythm to make it as comfortable for each other as possible. He felt fire pooling low in his abdomen. As the light source in the room was already lowered, he couldn't make out every detail in Kaidan's face, but he could tell it was pinched in concentration. Careful not to hurt him or himself. He could see the slight sweat running down Kaidan's forehead that thinly coated his lover. Shepard pressed his lips to his temple, tasting the saltiness of it, recognizing the musky scent. Dog tags clinking together was the only sound emitting around them aside from occasional moans and curse words from both parts.

Mostly from Shepard.

It was different this time. His nearly every other lay had been out of pure lust. This was love. The feeling was intoxicating. He felt himself combust in fiery ecstasy when he hit the exact correct spot, on impulse cupping Kaidan's neck, pulling him in even deeper.

Shepard inhaled raggedly. "K -Kaidan..." he stuttered, before exhaling. "Fuck..."

In a low growling sound, Kaidan hushed him. He could make out a few curse words as he was trying to stay in control. Shepard found himself losing the rhythm. Their pace. He sensed the same tingling feeling as before and pried his eyes open. Like glowing on embers, the familiar blue light had begun to glow around Kaidan - the radiant shockwaves emanating from his skin - lighting up his face in the dark room they were in.

 _Goddamn, he's beautiful..._

Kaidan slowly opened his eyes to meet his gaze. A concerned glance. Hopeful. Instead of a look of repulsion that he had certainly expected to receive, Shepard's eyes showed nothing but affection, so he allowed his own to flutter shut again. Kaidan then released a strangled moan, the pace picking up speed, him knowing exactly what that meant.

"I can't... John..." he rasped before he lost control, nails digging into his thigh.

That was enough. It was everything he needed before he as well dissolved into pleasure, his name, coming from Kaidan's amazing lips. Every nerve in his body pulsed. Static. He felt like he was back on Earth as it was stuttering on its axis. His vision blurred and slowly faded to black. Kaidan planted a soft kiss on his shoulder before their bodies separated. The biotics faltered around him again.

He was about to roll over in exhaustion, but Shepard pulled him back, allowing him to collapse atop of him instead.

He didn't want to let go just yet as he held possessively around him. He felt Kaidan breathing as heavily as him. The dog tags they were both wearing were a constant reminder that what they had done was a serious fraternization crime, but none of them gave a damn, so it was overlooked.

Kaidan exhaled. "Wow. You're, ah..." he muttered, yet breathless. "You're very vocal."

A strangled chuckle escaped Shepard's mouth as he had expected something else.

 _That, too._

It was Kaidan's time to chuckle as he propped his forearm besides his shoulder, and pulled himself slightly up, allowing them to end up face-to-face again. His hair wasn't as well-groomed anymore. It was sexy as hell. An indescribable sight that he never wanted to forget.

"I -I wouldn't be surprised if you woke up the whole crew," Kaidan added, with a hint of tease.

The amused smile dimmed when their eyes collided to turn far fonder. Shepard had never seen anyone looking at him like that before. Studying every detail in his face, he swallowed. What a guy like Kaidan saw in him still puzzled him to no end.

Shepard's voice softened. "Still wondering if we're doing this for the right reasons?"

All the tension in his body ceased when Kaidan chortled. "Not a chance," he muttered, caressing Shepard's jawline as his eyes traced the movement. His whole body went warm when Kaidan tilted his eyes up again.

He had never imagined that he would settle down. If he had told himself that three years ago, he would've laughed at himself - quickly flagged it off with a, 'not a chance' - as he would rather want to die in battle at a young age than even consider living the civilian life. Kaidan was everything he ever wished for, and knowing he returned the affection was a blessing in itself. The thought of waking up next to him every morning, his fuzzy hair and voice dazed in sleep, was enough to erase all his doubts.

Settling down sure didn't sound half as bad anymore.

Shepard could gleam a grin forming on Kaidan's mouth when he tipped him over again. He sensually slid his hand up Kaidan's arm before it reached his neck, holding him in place, pressing lips to his again. He placed several chaste kisses upon his mouth before capturing him in a deep, long kiss, forcing his tongue through the opening. Kaidan softly hummed happily under his breath as his hand moved up his back. The fingertips of his other brushed against the nape of Shepard's neck. Kaidan slept in his cabin that night.

So much better than combat training.


	25. Ch 25: Questions

**Chapter 25: Questions**

* * *

" _Wait, who?" - Kaidan Alenko_

In which Shepard tries to help with Kaidan's migraine (and is really bad at it.)

* * *

Sleeping on his abdomen, his arm clasped between the two pillows, Kaidan was only able to pry one eye open before blinking to get used to the faint light around him as the other was yet buried in the soft cotton fabric.

He had already started getting used to sleeping in John's cabin, so used to it that it felt strange to sleep anywhere else. John had on several occasions told him to, 'get his damn things and move his ass in already,' but he had refused. The _Normandy_ have already had her annual inspection, so it wasn't like the Alliance could get a hang of what was going on in there, but he didn't want to take any chances. After last night, though - which meant the world to him - it was difficult to say 'no.'

Kaidan felt a faint throbbing in his head.

He reached out to his side only to find it empty and rubbed his eyes before his glance traversed the same way. He had made it pretty damn clear that he wanted John to wake him up. Should've known he wouldn't keep his promise.

 _Bastard._

John still had problems sleeping restlessly thanks to that nightmare he spoke of. Kaidan had heard him talk in his sleep that night. His muscles had been tense, and the skin around his eyes had drawn tight. There was tension in his neck.

Nuzzling up against him helped, so at least he didn't feel completely useless where he lay. If there was one thing he had learned about John and his bedside manners is that when he first slept - he slept like a rock - and not even a thresher maw blundering up from the floor, possibly spewing acid, could wake him up. After Akuze, though, he was amazed that John hadn't developed PTSD. Especially as young as he was. His willpower was strong and it was admirable to the fullest.

Stifling yawn with his palm, he pulled himself up, his other hand taking after the back of his neck as feet dropped to the floor.

Kaidan reached for the nightstand until his hand exposed to his omni-tool before turning on the display to look at the time. He proceeded to blink rapidly when realizing it was 1116 am. Hell, he had slept for a little over twelve hours, but it felt like two. He needed nourishment or things would end badly. Coffee was a good start. He hadn't really had the time to reflect on everything that had been happening lately. Khalisah wasn't stupid, so it was odd how she was willing to go to such extreme lengths to put John in a bad light - risking to lose her job - by writing that article.

She had no hard evidence. The whole thing was curious and it felt like there was more to it. Not only that, but he was a lot more involved this time, and he kept running into brick walls. He wanted to find out her reasons.

 _Liara,_ he thought. _Hell, she probably knows. She's the Shadow Broker, after all._

They had spoken after Kaidan returned from Huerta Memorial. Debriefed about the old days. Kaidan have always liked Liara, and they got along nicely, but he had to admit that he was somewhat taken aback by her change of personality. She was no longer that young, inexperienced asari that was fascinated by everyone and everything, eager to learn more. Kaidan wasn't shy to the fact that she once had a crush on John so he couldn't help but feel guilty, but she genuinely seemed happy for them.

After getting dressed, a drink and some food, he proceeded to the crew deck.

Not looking ahead of himself as he walked, he nearly bumped into the commander himself when exiting the elevator - his nose deep in a report - before looking up at the near collision and into Kaidan's eyes with a startled look on his face. John's features lit up as a small smile appeared on the corners of his lips. Kaidan didn't even have the time to return one before it faltered again.

Averting his eyes, he cleared his throat. "Major."

He was about to move past him without as much as a 'hi,' so Kaidan splayed a hand between his pecs, feeling him stiffening up at the touch before he gently shoved him back. John's eyes didn't meet his, but as Kaidan watched him, he looked like he'd seen a ghost. To Kaidan, it almost felt like he was a participant in a one-night-stand and accidentally ran into the other participant on the streets. His eyes fell down to his hand still on John's chest, but when dropping it, he couldn't help but notice how John relaxed some more.

"Hey... you okay?"

John gave him a plastered-on fake smile. "Of course," he replied, curled an arm around Kaidan's waist before pressing a chaste kiss upon his lips. He turned them so they swapped places. "Hey, I've got to take care of this. We'll talk later, yeah?"

The elevator door shut after him, leaving Kaidan standing there, bewildered. After just existing for a bit, he blinked, coming back to himself. After getting to deck three, in hope to have his questions answered, he only ended up with a dozen more. Kaidan's eyes slammed tightly shut, hoping it was nothing, and flagged it off. He proceeded to head for Liara's office. When the door slid open, he saw her standing by the terminal.

"Liara. Good morning. Already working, huh?"

"Good morning to you too, major," she replied, and returned a kind smile. "Being the Shadow Broker, I am bound to take a few precautions. After all, I do have clients all over the galaxy. I cannot miss an opportunity, now can I?"

That earned her a chuckle.

Liara had gone to extreme lengths to find the previous Broker, but after their conversation before Horizon - about John being alive after the _SR-1_ had gone down - it was obvious why. The Shadow Broker had taken a friend of her, being reason enough to go after him, but that wasn't all. The Broker had actually been hired by the collectors themselves to find John's body. He attempted to stop her from getting to him first, sending Blue Suns mercenaries after her. Liara was fortunate to get to John first.

"Hey, ah... do you have a moment?"

"Of course, Kaidan. I always have the time to speak with a friend. Please, do come in," she replied, and he stepped inside. He was surprised to see that her personal assistant - a sphere named Glyph - was no longer there. "Ah, Glyph. Yes. I incorporated the VI into time capsules that I have placed on multiple planets in case we lose to the reapers."

"Like a, uh... information guide? Like Vigil on Ilos?"

Liara smiled. "Yes. Shepard said the very same thing," she said, pushing herself away from the tech. "I do have hope that we will see this through, but as it is, there is a chance we will not. It never hurts to be prepared. After everything we have learned, it would be a shame to see it go to waste for the ones that traverses the galaxy 50,000 years in the future. It could help them, and maybe they will succeed where we did not. But enough about that. What is it you wanted to speak to me about?"

 _More than I'm going to._

"I've just been thinking of what's been happening, lately..." he muttered, folding his arms across his chest. "I -I guess something just really doesn't make any sense to me, and I was hoping you could help. Clear things up."

She gave him a fixated look. "Ah, this must be about Miss al-Jilani," she said confidently, turning back to her terminal. "Believe me, Kaidan. She did not take any risks. It is not her style. Westerlund News are rather particular and cautious when it comes to coverage in the media and would most likely fire her if she produced false claims. She had undeniable evidence with the vid."

 _Had?_

"Wait, did you... did you cut the feed?"

The only reply he received was a turn of her head his way and a somewhat smug smirk before the terminal regained her attention. She cut the feed. Kaidan let out a relieved breath realizing that Liara had done them one hell of a favor.

"Of course, there are a few that has seen the full length of it, but nowhere near as many as the hits on the extranet. I cut the feed seconds after it was published but I did save a copy if something would go wrong," she said, and smiled coy. "I must say, thanks to my curiosity, I could not restrain myself from watching it. It was sweet. I believe you two are perfect for each other. It is good for you both."

He cleared his throat, feeling his cheeks flush. "Thanks, Liara."

"Anytime, Kaidan." Not before long, he glimpsed concern in her blue eyes. "I cannot help but think that there is something else that is bothering you. Kaidan, are you all right?"

Kaidan looked away. "Yeah, I'm good. I've just had a lot on my mind lately. Nothing to worry about."

"Is this about Shepard?"

She was an amazing information broker, no doubt. It was impressive. He had a lot he wanted to get off his chest, but it felt wrong to talk about John behind his back. It was obvious that something was bothering the commander.

Kaidan wasn't going to pry, but he might as well voice his suspicion.

Exhaling slowly, he said, "Okay. Yeah, it -it's about Shepard. Hell, he just... He's been kinda off lately, you know? Maybe it's just me."

"Lately as in, 'the last couple days,' or as in, 'after the reapers attacked Earth'?"

He took a moment to consider her question, the thought bringing him back to John's then pronounced cybernetics. John's scars and eyes had taken a red-ish glow when he ran into him in Vancouver. Kaidan could see that his scars had been healing back on Horizon, so it didn't make sense that they would get even worse by time. However, they had healed again. Almost entirely. Even John was a closed book around his scars, so he couldn't really get much out of him. Maybe it wasn't simply the appearance of the scars that bothered John. It could be how he got them.

Kaidan hated being kept out of the loop that was possibly involving John. Especially now, considering how close they had become. He felt like he distrusted him. If John didn't want to talk, he would respect that, but that didn't ease up his curiosity or concerns. Either way, something wasn't right and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.

"I -I guess, both," Kaidan said, shaking his head. "Just... especially the past couple days. I ran into him before I got here. It almost seemed like he, I don't know... felt guilt, or something. Hell, I'm probably just reading into things."

A sad smile appeared on her lips.

"You are not reading into things, Kaidan. It is not exactly a secret," she replied, which in returned had her earn a puzzled look. "Shepard has been attempting to get in contact with Miranda lately, but has turned up empty handed."

Kaidan blinked. "Wait, who?"

"You... have not heard of Miranda?" she asked, and began fidgeting with her hands. "Oh, I see. Well, Dr. Miranda Lawson was in charge of the Lazarus Project. She operated with Shepard during our mission to track down the collectors. Miranda was his XO. In fact, she led a group of Cerberus soldiers that took down those mercenaries that were after me."

He couldn't blame John for forgetting to mention her with everything that had been going on, but why would he need to contact her? It could be related to his cybernetics and she knew more about his reconstruction than anyone.

Kaidan immediately got concerned.

"You said she was in charge of the Lazarus Project... Is he -is he hurting or something?"

She shook her head. "Goddess, no. Nothing like that," she said. "Or, well... maybe hurting emotionally. He is simply concerned about her. Last time they spoke was after the attempted Cerberus coup. She mentioned that she was being hunted by Cerberus assassins after finding out that her father was working for the Illusive Man. Her sister has recently gone missing. Miranda informed Shepard that she had found out what happened to her, and that her father was responsible, but was vague away from that.

"She has refused the Commander's help. Shepard informed me of this so I could dig up some information to her whereabouts, but I am afraid that I, too, have turned up empty handed. Perhaps you should speak to him as well about it?"

Nodding slowly, he said, "Yeah, I... I'll do that. Thanks again. That -that helped."

Liara smiled. "It was my pleasure. Do not hesitate to call upon me if you wish to talk. I will be here."

Kaidan began to notice that the throbbing in his head was becoming more intense, so he chose to take it easy, hoping that the pain would mend up until they found out what happened at Utukku. Fighting with a headache during a mission wasn't exactly something he was looking forward to.

All this would explain the way John had been acting, but it still didn't explain his scars.

* * *

Rachni. The fucking rachni. Shepard was hoping that their sightings on Utukku was simply a misunderstanding.

He stood by the galaxy map, having gotten word from Wrex that a krogan team - the Aralakh Company - had gone missing there. They suspected that there were rachni on the planet, being news that concerned him a great deal, seeing that he had freed their queen on Noveria three years back. The queen had promised to vanish but it appears that things had changed. There was more to all this.

 _"Shepard,"_ EDI said over the comm, causing Shepard to peek up. _"Major Alenko is currently in Starboard Observation and has requested the lighting to be lowered to 16 percent as he is most likely suffering from an incoming migraine."_ The concentrated lines on his forehead were replaced by concern. _"According to extranet sites, there is a roughly 48.3 percent chance that he is exceedingly sensitive to light and a 31.4 percent chance that he is sensitive to sound - the numbers constantly increasing - so I would suggest the use of caution in his presence."_

"Thanks, EDI."

Shepard cocked a brow when the Starboard Observation door fell open. Kaidan was nowhere to be seen when he let his eyes search the room. That was until he heard a vague groan coming from the couch in the same room, sounding like a muffled, "The door... 's not so loud." When he turned his head, he saw Kaidan lying on his back, one arm covering both his eyes.

"Mm... hey, Shepard. That you? Just... I'll get back to work in a minute. Or 15... or maybe 2 hours."

Even his speech was slightly slurred as if he had just woken up after a night of heavy drinking. He had never expected to see Kaidan all laid back like that as he was used to his usual straightened posture. Always ready for orders and various assignments. Hell, Shepard didn't know shit about dealing with migraines.

He's had headaches, sure, but never migraines.

"Migraine?" he asked, keeping his voice low.

Sighing, Kaidan said, "That obvious, huh? Probably the weather patterns, or... something. Utukku. We're on Utukku, right? That's pretty hot. Temperature. I mean, if it gets too hot too quickly. It just... yeah. Stuff happens. It hasn't kicked in entirely yet, though. We can talk. Just... silently."

"So heat affects migraines. Last night was that good, huh?" Kaidan let out a strangled chuckle, only to stop himself halfway, sucking in a breath through bared teeth. That reaction was more than enough for Shepard to realize how serious this was.

Shepard cringed. "Sorry."

"It... 's fine. Really," he replied, and could a small smirk showing in Kaidan's features "...but yeah. Yeah, it was that good. You're half responsible. Hell... I don't think I'd be much use to you on this mission, but I'm willing to try."

He shook his head. "Stop. I'll bring Liara. It's no big deal. I guess a massage won't help?"

Slumping over the side of the couch, he dropped to one knee before him. He reached out only to take his hand back, not entirely knowing what to do with it, unsure what Kaidan would react badly to. He felt pretty damn helpless. Shepard figured that he should probably read himself up on migraines to make it easier for Kaidan. Find out how to mend the pain, if possible.

"Nah... no. Not by much. That only works for headaches. Same with painkillers, 's only working for... yeah. Thanks, though," he replied, before a frown breached his brows. "I can feel your tension... 's not like I'm going to disintegrate on your touch, so hey, relax."

Shepard cleared his throat. "How... do you feel?"

"Like hell, to put it mildly," he replied. "Feels like someone's trying to bore into my brain... pounding and throbbing like crazy. My right eye is twitching... and there's this nagging pain in my temple at the same side... and that's just the first stages. It also feels like the damn engine is right by my ear, and I can't... I can't exactly shut that off. If... if I was at a _Flotilla_ vessel I'd probably put a bullet in my head."

"K," he warned.

"Sorry, that... I didn't mean that. Sorry," he mumbled, genuinely seeming sorry. "This... I'm convinced this is gonna be a bad one. Similar to when I was under stress at BAaT, and that... that's saying something. It... it was really bad."

"Okay, the captain's cabin is further from the engine. You should try to get some sleep there."

"John... 'm fine."

"Bullshit. I'll carry you if I have to." Shepard trapped his wrist before he forcefully moved his arm away. Kaidan immediately winced, tightly closing his eyes. "Sorry. C'mon, keep your eyes closed and I'll support you."

"Sir," he said, his tone defensive. Kaidan only called him 'sir' when he was upset. Or had sex. "Hell, I've dealt with this a million times before. Go... go prepare for the mission. I don't... I don't need a damn babysitter -"

"Cabin. Now. That's an order, major."

He had lost his patience.

Kaidan released a defeated breath as he was probably too tired to respond. Too tired to come up with another excuse. Too tired to argue. Shepard was finally allowed to throw his arm over his shoulder and help him onto his feet. Kaidan took after the bridge of his nose, the vertigo apparent, seeing that he had pulled him up too quickly. The blood had probably not been able to get to his head fast enough.

 _Fuck, I'm only making it worse. Dammit._

His skin was boiling and he was cold sweating. Kaidan mumbled something under his breath, the words unrecognizable, as he was obviously in great pain. Shepard hadn't felt this angry in a long time.

 _Stubborn son-of-a bitch and his stupid integrity._

That pissed him off about Kaidan. How he always tried to push people aside when they offered to help. He was amazed it hadn't killed him yet. Shepard found the whole damn situation stressful.

 _Fucking L2 implant..._

"Still not considering a damn upgrade?" Shepard's voice was harsher than intended. Also louder, seeing that Kaidan grimaced and gritted his teeth. "EDI, lower the lights in my cabin to five percent."

Aware of Kaidan's migraine, EDI didn't reply, and simply turned down the lights.

The elevator door hissed shut. Kaidan seemed sensitive to almost all and everything, nearly losing his balance when the elevator began to move, his eyes yet tightly shut. Dropping his arm, hands were soon at his N7 hoodie to tug him in before burying his his face in Shepard's shoulder.

"'Shprd... 'r stnd n mh fht."

"What? I didn't get that."

"'Mh... fht!"

He frowned. "Hell, if you weren't talking into my damn shoulder, I might've heard -" He abruptly felt a pain in his abdomen causing him to suck in a breath as he took after it. Kaidan grasped the cloth again and pulled him closer, cursing under his breath.

 _"Shepard, you are standing on the major's foot."_

Shepard immediately snapped his attention down, only to see that EDI was completely right. He could feel the flush creeping up in his cheeks and changed his position. Kaidan sighed into his hoodie as his muscles relaxed again into the touch. It didn't take long before Kaidan was vibrating as a low rumbling sound was heard, closely resembling a chuckle. Kaidan was _laughing_ at him.

The corners of Shepard's lips drew upwards without warning. The elevator finally reached deck one and the door slid open. He carefully backed Kaidan into the room, feeling a hand moving to the nape of his neck, arms enveloping tighter around him.

"Sorry," he muttered, nuzzling into his jaw.

Shepard pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I swear to god... if you say 'sorry' one more damn time, I'll might take Javik's advice about throwing you out," he said with a small smile, before he pulled away again. He gently pushed Kaidan to sitting position in the bed and heard a displeased sound emitting from his mouth. "I'll be back after I've taken care of the situation on Utukku, and hell, you better stay put."

He honestly considered contacting the Council about removing Kaidan's Spectre status until he was back from the mission, only to make sure that he wouldn't break out if he chose to lock the door, but Kaidan knew better than to wander around the ship with a migraine.

"Debrief me later, okay? Hell, just... be careful."

Ever the worrier.

"I'll try. Take it easy, major."

He then brought his team to meet up with Aralakh Company.


	26. Ch 26: Words Left Unspoken

**Chapter 26: Words Left Unspoken**

* * *

 _"Hell, don't try to guilt trip me with your 'by the book' routines, it ain't working." - John Shepard_

In which Shepard nearly loses another friend.

* * *

When bringing feet to Utukku's heated soil, Shepard could already feel the slight sweat by his brows, but otherwise found himself appreciative of the fact that the planet had an atmosphere making it unnecessary for humans and other aliens to wear helmets. It could get hot as hell in those damn things, so not having to bear through the discomfort was an eased burden. Wrex forgot to mention that Grunt was leading the Aralakh Company.

Shepard didn't have the luxury of speaking with the _Normandy_ crew while he was in house arrest, especially not those connected to Cerberus, so he felt somewhat out of the loop. He hadn't spoken with Legion, Tali, Samara or Zaeed in quite some time, having no idea where they were, but the rest he had encountered in the past few weeks. Hearing from them would put his mind at ease.

Grunt had gained quite a few scars obtaining the krogan's respect who didn't look kindly upon tank-bred krogans, but thanks to Shepard, he was able to finish the krogan's Rite of Passage and was accepted into Clan Urdnot. He hadn't been present when the krogans battled the rachni all those years ago in the Rachni Wars, but his Warlord Okeer had implanted intel on them, and Shepard couldn't help but feel responsible for him. After Shepard got him out of that tank, Grunt was kind of like his kid.

Arriving at a nearly destroyed building after battling several rachni workers - obviously influenced by the reapers thanks to their unnatural structure - Shepard could feel the concrete giving in below him. His eyes went wide at the sudden motion of the building being about to tip, a bench nearly hitting him, but he managed to doge it.

"Look out! The whole thing's coming down!" Grunt called.

Shepard's heart raced ten times faster, not having any means of escaping, eyes drifting to a cut out lodge by an opening about ten feet away from him. He pushed himself away from the wall, attempting to move towards it, only to see the building loosen entirely. The ground wasn't too far below him, so his attention settles at the ground beneath, taking speed before he threw himself out the opening. He mended his fall by a forward roll, unfortunately unsuccessful, as he ended up on his back with a loud groan.

 _So much for 'being careful.'_

His thought process was interrupted as he became aware of his surroundings. Still lying on his back, he blinked before planting a hand on the floor, pushing himself up into sitting position. His arms moved to rest at his knees. It was some kind of a nest down there.

Pushing himself onto his feet, he brushed off the dust that formed away on his N7 armor.

He looked up at Garrus and Liara. "Everyone all right?"

"Spirits, you were the one taking the fall here." Garrus' talons encountered the concrete above before he dropped down to Shepard's level, and Liara quickly followed "...and you're calling _me_ reckless?"

"Nothing a year of therapy won't fix," he replied.

"Shepard!" Grunt called from above, looking down. "You in one piece?"

He drew his assault rifle. "Looks like we're all okay," he replied, before taking another quick look around him. "You're in luck, Grunt. There's a nest down here. See if you can find a way around and meet up with us. Keep in radio contact."

After all, Grunt loved fighting rachni.

Venturing further into the cave-like area, they run into some sort of webbing being spread all over, although it wasn't normal webbing. It was thick as hell, so you couldn't exactly wipe the stuff away with your hand. Shepard had thankfully found a flamethrower by a fallen krogan to make it easier for them to continue on. Shepard was convinced that the webbing was apparent because the rachni were probably protecting something, or someone, down in the lower passages. He was determined to find out what.

Grunt backed into the cave as he finished off the remaining rachni that had followed his team in. Aware of Shepard's presence, he turned, giving him an appreciative nod as the rest of the krogans scouted the area.

"Thanks, Shepard. That wasn't webbing stopping us," Grunt said, and heaved himself to the same level. "That was reaper tech."

"We ran into it, too."

They had mostly cleared the area, but there were yet holdouts where they remained. The rachni had backed off, at least for now, but were probably planning a full-on attack after they had collected their numbers to get an advantage up against them.

Grunt's glance wandered to the nest. "We'll dig in there, kill anything that moves, buy you some time."

"Good luck."

Shaking his head, Grunt approached his team. "I don't need luck. I have ammo," he said, passing him. Shepard smirked. Grunt pulled out his shotgun. "Krogan! Get ready!"

The pathway ahead towards the main chamber was pretty damn narrow, so they had to crawl a small distance, before approaching a far more open area. His eyes widened at the sight. Not in a million years had he expected what he saw. Before him, he sees the very same rachni queen he had saved on Noveria in her full glory. She was trapped.

Shepard touched his earpiece. "Grunt, we've located the central chamber."

The ground team had to fight their way over to her seeing that the remaining rachni were protecting her with their lives. There was obvious reaper tech all around them, and if he wasn't going crazy, he could swear the rachni queen was speaking through krogan corpses. Garrus took a curious step towards them, Shepard holding him back with an arm, not trusting the small amount of distance put between them. The rachni had retreated back into their relay like they promised back on Noveria, but the reapers interfered, indoctrinating them. She wanted Shepard to free her.

Taking a step forward, he asked, "Are you capable of fighting the reapers?"

"We hate the machines. We will fight for our unborn children," she replied, attempting to pry her foot out of the last shackle that was holding her back. "Release us!"

Garrus turned to him. "She's badly wounded. She needs too much time to escape!"

 _"Shepard, we're out of time!"_ Grunt called over the comm link, Shepard moving two fingers to the transmitter. _"We stay here, Aralakh Company dies! Is that clear?"_

Ruthless calculus.

The rachni queen could equip them with her rachni workers to help out in defeating the reapers, benefiting them greatly, as the reapers could no longer control them. Her hatred towards the sentient machines was clear so she would fight until her last breath. In doing so, helping her escape, Grunt had proven a point that he barely had the time to reflect on. Aralakh Company would die. This sure as hell wasn't the first time he had been forced to make a tough decision, it came with the territory, but that unquenched feeling of guilt in his gut had vanished long ago.

Everything he cared about was winning this damn war.

"Listen up! Aralakh Company holds the rachni off while the queen escapes," he commanded, not skipping a beat. "We'll buy you some time." He twirled his back to her. "Grunt, fall back to our position and lead us out!"

 _"Damn you, Shepard! I'm leaving my team. On my way!"_

Liara looked concerned. "Commander..."

"That's an order!" he snapped, beginning to move towards the shackle. "She's too valuable an asset to lose!" He raised his pistol up to destroy the shackles holding her back, took a deep breath before he pulled the trigger. With a shriek, the rachni queen was released, forcing her foot up from the fastenings and pulling out.

Shepard moved two fingers to his earpiece. "Now get us outta here!"

It didn't take too long before the wall beside them was blasted open with a shotgun, Grunt stepping forward, the dismantled look on his face revealing his disapproval. But Grunt respected Shepard, and he would follow his lead, no matter what. They took to running-and-gunning as the indoctrinated rachni were aware of the queen's escape, drawn to their direction like seeker swarms, attempting to stop them from escaping. Eventually ending up in a far tighter quarter, they took cover next to the cave wall, having spotted the waves of rachni lying before them.

 _Think, Shepard... think._

He gave Grunt a look, expecting an input. But when his eyes glazed his way, Grunt's own already bore into his own, his breathing heavier as he looked at him. Shepard's expression fell. He knew.

"The shuttle's down that path!" Grunt called, shooting a glance to the pathway before looking back. "I'll hold them off."

As the words escaped his mouth, even as expected as they were, Shepard couldn't help the lump forming in his throat - swallowing it hard down - not moving his posture by an inch. He just stood there, looking, his body unable to respond. He wouldn't - _couldn't_ \- see another member of his crew die. The war had taken its toll. It was only a matter of time before he would break entirely.

Grunt shoved him back, breaking him from his trance. "Get outta here, Shepard!"

His jaw clenched. For a moment, his glance drifted the rachni's way, knowing it was the right decision when he turned back. That didn't make it any easier. The skin around Grunt's eyes had drawn tight. The determination emitted was clear.

He was a true krogan.

Not trusting himself to speak, Shepard gave him a court nod and reached out, a gloved hand giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze before he gestured the ground team to get moving. As he did, Grunt turned towards the rachni, his shotgun warm and ready to fire.

"My turn..." Grunt murmured, his shotgun raised as he released his characteristic laugh.

* * *

Shepard felt nothing but guilt when he was safe, walking at a distance behind Garrus and Liara towards the shuttle, contemplating if it truly was the right choice. He knew Grunt. He was the strongest krogan that he had ever met, so god, he wasn't ignorant enough to believe that the kid - hell, he was still a kid - couldn't handle himself. He might be young but age said little these days. Shepard wasn't ignorant to the fact that there was a chance that it could go sideways. He knew that he couldn't save everyone.

The worst part was who it always entailed.

Ash, sacrificing herself to save the mission - a mission where he was forced to choose between a close friend and the man he loved. Pressly, going down with the first _Normandy_ \- a sudden explosion drawing the breath straight out of his lungs. Thane, sacrificing himself to save a councilor - an understanding that his disease would make it harder for him to recover. Mordin, for atoning for his past mistakes - a choice to give his own life so that a whole species could continue on living.

Neither of them deserved to die... and then they had men such as Kai-Leng and the Illusive Man walking around, who sure as hell didn't deserve to be drawing a single huff of breath. As further into the war they came, people were dying all around him, and he was there to experience the loss and unfairness. Now, when the reapers were on the horizon, he could do nothing more but to accept that even more people close to him were going to die. Move on. Even trivial matters not involving the reapers had people die around him. He couldn't think rationally. But at least he was trying.

With a final glance, he cast his eyes over his shoulder. Immediately, his features mellowed and his brows shot up. Shepard's face lit up as relief soothed him, until concern spread across his demeanor.

"Grunt!" he called, running towards him.

The ground team quickly shot their attention his way. Even if covered in rachni blood, stumbling like he had just taken one too many bottles of ryncol, Shepard could do nothing but be thankful that the tough son-of-a bitch was still breathing.

Grunting, he asked, "Anybody... got something to eat?"

Grunt wobbled forward before collapsing into his arms, Shepard having to steady himself as krogans were not exactly the lightest species. He threw his armored arm over his shoulder and supported him towards the shuttle.

Shepard grinned. "Probably got a few energy bars in the shuttle. Help yourself with all of 'em, Grunt."

"Heh-heh-heh..."

* * *

 _"I'm reviewing your report on the rachni situation, Commander,"_ Hackett said, back on the _Normandy._ _"This could've gotten complicated, fast. I hope you know what you're doing, cutting a deal with the rachni queen. We got burned last time. I'm trusting your instincts, Commander."_

"We can count on her support, Admiral."

 _"I hope so. But... we cut the reaper supply of new rachni troops and picked up some additional krogan support. I call that a victory. I've got to get back to it, Commander. Watch yourself out there. Hackett out."_

Then he knew that at least two people weren't going to be happy with his decision.

* * *

The pain of Kaidan's migraine had begun to mend, but it was far from over. He had eventually managed to get some sleep, if only for a couple hours, and as little as it was - he knew for sure that even such a tiny amount of rest could help a lot in the long run.

He reached for the painkillers at the nightstand, badly coordinating his motions, as his fingertips were just out of reach. Kaidan cursed under his breath as a rattle rung out in the room when the contents hit the floor, the lid not fully closed as five separate rolled out of the opening, leaving few left. The door slid open. He watched as John pushed on his brakes like he'd crashed into an invisible wall when the cylinder form reached his Alliance boots. Icy-blue followed the movement on the floor before darting their way back.

"What did those poor painkillers ever do to you?"

Leave it to John to find humor in everything. He should've seen that one coming. Much to Kaidan's relief, he had remembered to keep his voice low. Sensitivity to light was far more concerning, but it was a problem nonetheless. The pain had thankfully mended slightly in the past couple hours, even if it was still an internal struggle, so he could keep his eyes open if he wanted to.

Sighing, he buried his face in the pillow. "Nice to see you, too," he muttered, wanting to sound sarcastic but failing. He could tell he was about to ask about the migraine. "Still there. Just... grab that for me, will you?"

John reached down for the painkillers, his position reminding him what a great view it would be from a back-view angle, disappointed he couldn't see the show. Taking ahold of the contents that had fallen out and screwing the lid back in place, he placed the medication back onto the nightstand. A somewhat pained sound escaped John's mouth as he took after his opposite shoulder, rolling his neck.

"You okay?"

"I'm good. I ran into Grunt on Utukku, that's all," he murmured, forcing Kaidan to hold back a grin. John could willingly head-butt a krogan but not take a hit to the shoulder? Gesturing the motion, John said, "Roll over."

Kaidan snorted. "This is really not the time, Shepard."

"Uh-huh." John's arms crossed above his chest, expression remaining stoic although he glimpsed a small quirk of his lips when he pried one eye open. "It's also easily enough a better position for me to mend the pain of that migraine you've got."

A faint blush crept up in his cheeks. "Oh. Right."

"C'mon, Casanova." To get him moving, John gave his ass a good whack that made his cheeks go warmer, a muffled grunt channeling throughout the room being his only reply. "Up and at 'em."

"You're enjoying this a bit too much, Commander."

Kaidan knew he wasn't going to budge so he obeyed, his back slumping to the bed to allow him access. He had to admit that this was a million times better than getting high on painkillers and other antiseptic medical substances. He hated the hazy feeling when affected by it. Kaidan saw him drop to the bed and sat down next to him.

John touched his face. "Hell, major... you're burning up."

He merely hummed in reply with his eyes closed, being well-aware seeing that he would've undressed by now, but had no energy for it. John brought a thumb to his temple, massaging it with the same careful and steady movements, sending a pleasant shiver down his back. To distract himself from the sensation, he decided to keep the conversation going. The sound of John's voice was soothing.

"So what happened on Utukku?"

With a small smirk, John said, "Straight to business, I see. It was the right temple, right?" He applied light pressure at his side, and Kaidan nodded. "Yeah, you're not gonna believe this..." Having noticed the tension on his touch, John began to massage the area. "Remember when we were looking for Liara's mother on Noveria? Benezia. Turns out that the Aralakh Company were investigating sightings of rachni."

His eyes snapped open. "Whoa, wait. The rachni?"

"Yup." Kaidan opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off "...and before you give me any crap for releasing their queen back at Peak 15 - which I'm still convinced was the right choice - let me just say she's kept her promise." His mouth closed again. "She promised that they would stay out of sight, and they did, but ended up becoming indoctrinated and had them turn against the krogans. Reapers were breeding rachni. We ran into the damn things on Tuchanka when taking care of the genophage, too."

Curing the genophage. Right. He actually did that.

"I was pissed, but at least I got the answers I needed eventually when we ran into the queen again on Utukku," he added. "I had the choice to either leave her to die, which would cost us war assets, or let her go so that she could supply us with rachni workers. Those are tough sons-of-bitches. Aralakh Company suffered more casualties than necessary seeing that they needed to help the queen escape, but it all comes down to sacrifice the lesser for the many if we're going to win this."

Kaidan nodded slowly. "Yeah... yeah, I know," he muttered, knowing it was the hard truth. He couldn't hold back the pleasurable moan the way John's thumb was working against his temple. "You're amazing, John. You know that, right?"

"I've heard it a few times," he replied cockily, and Kaidan's eyes opened to meet his. He gave him a judging half-amused smile. He was confident, no doubt. "I mean, I did stop a rogue Spectre, became the first _Human_ Spectre, died and came back again. No big deal... and before that, I basically overcame nature by surviving Akuze..."

"Don't make me punch you."

"I also managed to get the galaxy's hottest biotic in bed with me."

"Mm... okay. I'll let you have that one."

"Yeah, it sure as hell was an experience when you were with the Alliance -"

John was forced into a fit mix between a cough and laugh, taking after his abdomen that his fist had basically launched at. The laugh lines on his face gradually faded again. There was that look he had seen in the elevator again. Kaidan knew John inside out. His morals, his views, his willpower. He knew every single part of his body, his every turn-on, his every freckle, his every single sweet spot. But yet, the usual stoic expression on John's face was unfamiliar to him now, and he couldn't place why. Veiled. Closed.

His eyes told an entirely different story.

 _Guilt._

There was just something about that word that kept reappearing in his mind.

Kaidan was about to ask, but found himself easily distracted when John crawled over him, lowering his mouth to his neck and gently biting into it. His chest drew tight when he sucked in a breath. He didn't need to do much to be turned on by him, as John knew exactly what to do, which was both a curse and a blessing at the very same time.

"You're pretty hot when you get all possessive," John murmured, his voice low and seductive.

Groaning, Kaidan said, "John, please. I do not have the energy for this..."

"Just reminding you what you'll be missing out on tonight," he purred, teeth nibbling at his earlobe. Kaidan made a displeased sound. What a damn tease. When John's knee - accidental or not - brushed against his lower regions, he stopped his lazy assault and blinked, Kaidan feeling the appearing sly smirk by his temple. "Wait, is that a side-effect from the migraine... or are you just happy to see me?"

 _Okay, thanks. Thanks for putting me on the spot like that. Bastard._

Kaidan sighed. "You're a horrible person," he replied, trying to ignore his erection. "At least now you know why the rachni were on Tuchanka, too." At the mention of Tuchanka, John pulled himself up, shifting his position for thighs to trap his hips. "I'm sorry... About Mordin. A shame I didn't get to meet him."

"Yeah, he wasn't the typical salarian. Using Kelly Chamber's phrasing, our previous comm-specialist, he was 'like a hamster on coffee.' He also performed 'Gilbert and Sullivan,' believe it or not."

He couldn't help but snort. That told him everything he needed to know about the prestigious salarian doctor. John was taking all this in like a professional, but it was easy to see the strain in his glance. Beneath a stoic appearance, blue eyes conveyed far more emotion than presented. Even now, John was a closed book, and deep inside it hurt knowing that he didn't trust him enough to open it up for him.

"What happened -?" he asked, only to stop himself. "I mean, if you're okay talking about it."

"The salarian dalatrass, Linron, contacted me before we headed to release the cure throughout this huge monument called 'The Shroud'," he replied, so at least he was talking. "The salarians and turians spread the genophage through it, so we figured that it'd be the best way to deploy the cure. However, Linron was against curing the genophage in its whole, so she gave me an offer. Deploy the cure, and don't get the salarians help in the war. Or sabotage the cure, tricking the krogans into believing the genophage was exterminated, to gain both their support."

Kaidan could understand the salarians' caution, wanting to wait until after the war so the krogans didn't get out of control, but sabotaging the cure entirely? That was wrong on all occasions. Kaidan had to admit that he was uncertain if releasing the rachni queen was the right thing to do, but hell, taking it into consideration it wasn't different from making any other race go extinct.

"That's genocide."

"Sure is. I called her off, but that doesn't mean I didn't consider it."

Kaidan's heart got stuck in his throat.

 _What?_

John's squared his shoulders. "Don't give me that look," he said sternly. "There's a damn war on. We need people. Krogans, salarians, asari... everyone. Hell, if we have to lie or extract information at any cost to gain someone's support, we've got do it. You can't honestly say that it wouldn't even be an option if the decision would fall to you?"

Genocide.

John would commit genocide to stop the reapers. There was no way that he would've done such a thing back when they were tracking down Saren and Sovereign. He had said so himself. The thought was killing him, but in that very moment, Kaidan felt like he didn't know him.

 _What changed?_

"You... wouldn't do it." The hurt in John's eyes was far pronounced. "Fuck," he whispered, before raising his voice again. "Dammit, Kaidan. I know what I'm doing. Hell, don't try to guilt trip me with your 'by the book' routines, it ain't working."

"John -"

"Stop," he snapped, and briefly looked entirely feral. Teeth gritted. Cybernetics taking a brief, red glow. His voice softened again and he closed his eyes. "Hell, let's just... let's just stop talking about this."

Kaidan studied his face, trying not to stare although it proved difficult, attempting to regain his gaze.

"Okay," he muttered, taking hold of John's thighs before he clamored up to sit. "Okay, I -I get it. You don't want to talk. I respect that." He could see John swallowing hard, as he refused to meet his eyes. "Hey..."

He reached for him, but John immediately winced as he again brushed against his scars. Kaidan was quick enough to catch his cheek again, forcing him to look at him. When John's eyes pried open, he looked entirely broken, the word 'sorry' written all over his face. Kaidan had never seen him like that before. His outer demeanor always covered over his inner, not allowing himself to show any signs of weakness. Kaidan brushed his thumb across the area below his eye before moving his hand down to his neck, gently pulling him down, their foreheads connecting. He gave him a tight-lipped smile.

"It's fine," Kaidan muttered.

An uncertain frown appeared by John's brows, as if he didn't fully believe it. He saw John's eyes darting down to his lips, before he slowly leant in. His eyes fluttered shut as his mouth slightly parted, taking in his familiar scent. Their lips were only to brush before John captured his wrist, removing it from his cheek, and pulled away.

"Is your head any better?" he asked, receiving a slow nod in reply. "Good to hear." John's small smile pressed into a thin line again before he eased himself up from the bed with guilt-ridden eyes. Guilt. There was that word again. "I've got reports to finish up. Try to get some more sleep to ease the pain. I'll be up in an hour or two."

"Yeah."

He saw his jaw clench. "I lov -" he began, only to clear his throat. "I'll... lower, the lights on my way out."

With that, John was out the door, firm steps with hastened purpose. Kaidan chose not to comment on the fact that he had ignored the lights on his way out. John had to be tired, and Kaidan knew he had more to say, but he wasn't going to push him for a continuation.

Kaidan sighed, pinched two fingers to the bridge of his nose, brows tightening as the migraine was far from gone.

 _Hell... why won't you talk to me?_


	27. Ch 27: Denial

**Chapter 27: Denial**

* * *

 _"I don't regret a damn thing." - John Shepard_

In which Kaidan is lied to.

* * *

 **A/N:** The chapter was difficult to write (conveying the emotion.) It didn't turn out as I wanted/had the flow I wanted - I can only hope you won't kick my ass for it...

* * *

Shepard's morning routine existed of grabbing some coffee as well as some food, proceeding to the shuttle bay to get some training done and then getting a shower. Vega was his sparring partner, or as Vega calls it, 'dancing partner.' The kid was impressive in the field, and thanks to his will to help the Alliance, he definitely reminded Shepard of himself when he first joined up. Shepard had heard about his experience back at the colony of Fehl Prime, and Vega had shared bits and pieces, but he hadn't been prying when he countered the topic. Fehl Prime was to Vega what Akuze was for Shepard. A bad memory.

He was under the Lazarus Project when it happened.

Liara had also told him fragments of what happened down at the colony, seeing that she was briefly contacted by Vega's crew to analyze some prothean architecture that they had discovered. What Vega ran into back there was another instance of 'sacrificing one amount to save a greater one.' Being in command, he had the choice between intel on the collectors or a ship full of civilians. He chose the intel. Vega knew some of the civilians personally, and that was the part he never went in detail about. It was obvious he cared a great deal about them. In Shepard's case, Akuze presented him to the realities of war and he started to see things differently.

Joining the N7 program happened next.

He knew how dangerous it was out there, didn't get the same adrenaline kick as before, suspecting that his age was the reason of his discouragement. Shepard didn't like to think that he was getting old, seeing that he was only 32, but it sure felt like it. Eight years from now and he'd end up in midlife crisis, push everything aside to watch 'Fleet and Flotilla' with a bag of chips - scratch that - _five_ bags of chips and PJs, nagging to Anderson via comm-link about the idiotic fact that the bags were only fifty percent air.

Shepard cringed at the thought.

He was getting ready for their next mission. Liara had mentioned an Ardat-Yakshi monastery in Lesuss where asari units had been sent, only to end up dead, the cause of their deaths being unknown. Ardat-Yakshi were dangerous bastards, him having experienced their persistence to seduce and kill, so this was likely a tough mission. He had been hoping to get his mind off things, and something to get his blood pumping was a good start, knowing he didn't want the near incident with Morinth to repeat itself.

Knowing he had to expose his squad to them made him more than just a tad uneasy.

Flickering his eyes to his side, he glimpsed Kaidan arriving down in the shuttle bay. It was good to see him back up on his feet again. Thankfully, his migraine hadn't lasted for more than about two days. Kaidan quickly caught his eye and offered him a tired smile that he couldn't help but return. Being lost in thought, he couldn't recollect before a fist swung his way, right in his nose. Shepard staggered back with a muffled groan, feeling red substance beginning to pour down his nose canal and put up a better guard.

James chuckled. "Whoa, Loco. A little distracted, are we?"

Shepard cast a quick glance Kaidan's way again, seeing that his face had a smug smirk before turning to Steve, well-aware he was responsible. Kaidan muttered something to Cortez out of Shepard's earshot, but he could hear Steve's chuckle shortly following, proceeding by shaking his head. His own eyes narrowed, but he flagged it off.

"Don't get cocky, lieutenant," Shepard warned, being back in focus. "Remember what happened last time?"

Most of their conversations happened over sparring - _sorry, *dancing*_ \- being the only way to get James talking. It was far more healthy, too, seeing that Vega could rather take his frustration out on Shepard than anyone else. Embracing the anger was sometimes better than brewing on it for a long period of time. Forgive and forget. Vega did however become predictable if angry and that gave Shepard an edge.

"No offense, Commander... but por pura suerte," Vega replied.

Vega was bigger than Shepard, would definitely win in a straight up fist-fight, but Shepard was far more agile. He remembered that during one of their first sparring lessons, he had warned Vega not to let his good looks fool him, and quickly took advantage of the situation when he froze up. They didn't have any rules other than, _'Don't kill each other,'_ using Steve's phrasing.

"I think I've brought you to the ground enough times to consider it to be skill," Shepard said, dodging his next attack. "Not luck."

Vega had however learned to keep his anger somewhat on bay, being an obvious distraction, so he was getting better. Shepard was good at fighting dirty, comes from growing up in a gang. Five minutes passed before Shepard brought him to the ground.

He groaned as he lay there. "All right, Esteban. Loco won this round. Pay up."

Shepard rolled his eyes and offered his hand, so James captured it for him to pull him up on his feet. Knowing Kaidan and Steve as well as they did, there was no way they could resist betting on who would win.

"Actually..." Steve said, revealing a somewhat apologetic smile. "I, uh... I happen to have bet on the Commander."

"Oh, c'mon!" Vega called, as if he'd been utterly betrayed.

Shepard wiped the blood away from above his lips as a wide and easy grin appeared on his face. However, his smile quickly faltered.

"Wait, if you bet on me..." Casting his gaze aside, he saw Kaidan rubbing the back of his neck. "Oh no. I can't believe my own XO bet against me."

Kaidan handed over the credits. "C'mon, Shepard... It -it's Vega."

"Okay, if that's where it's at... I think you need some practice appreciating me," he replied, and pinned him with a glare. "Get your ass over here and let's see whose footwork we'll have to work on." He was given a, 'Wait, now?' look. "I'll go easy on you not to ruin that pretty face of yours. It's your only asset. Hell, if you want me to hold back and allow you to win - just say so."

"Oh, okay. Yeah. You're going down," Kaidan murmured, approaching him.

Getting a better foothold, he raised his fists as his eyes pierced into Kaidan's with a challenging glance. He didn't even flinch. Shepard was wearing a black tank top with his lower civvies while his dog tags hung loosely between his pecs. He had already started to regret choosing the color as the strong lighting in the room was slowly burning his upper body. Feeling the slight sweat running from his own forehead, he attempted to regain control of his breathing, being one of the most important aspects when it came to training. He and Vega had been going on for about two hours by now, and using the intensity they always did, they always parted tired.

But he had also warmed up.

"So we're really doing this, huh? C'mon, K. You're getting old. I don't want to hurt you."

"Trying to sass me up, huh? We'll see about that," Kaidan muttered, throwing a punch that he managed to block. The amused look on Shepard's face was only to falter again as Kaidan went in for a left-hook, right in his abdomen, forcing him a step back. "With age comes experience."

Shepard put up a guard.

"Uh-huh. You only got three years on me, Alenko. Going up against me ain't a joke," he said, attempting to psyche him out. "Ever told you about how I brought down a thresher maw with nothing but my assault rifle and limited options for cover?"

"I get why Vega calls you 'Loco'," he replied, shaking his head disapprovingly.

"You didn't exactly say 'with age comes _wisdom,'_ now did you? I must've forgotten that after joining the N7 program," he countered, going in for an attack, only to dodge to the side as Kaidan tried to sneak one in. "Hell, I forget you never did. You wouldn't know how that is."

Kaidan's gaze drifted down. "Right."

"Careful, major... Eyes front. I don't want to distract you too much," he said, quoting Kaidan back on the _SR-1._ Kaidan looked up with a deadpan expression. Shepard threw another series of blocked punches with both hands before putting up another guard.

Breathing somewhat heavily, Shepard said, "Not bad."

"Look, I didn't get a promotion for nothing. But, hey... there's nothing wrong with misjudging my use of footwork," he replied, and smirked. Shepard narrowed his eyes. "Don't worry, sir. At least you know I've got rhythm where it counts."

His cheeks went warm, caught off-guard as he was left in the open, Kaidan taking his reaction to his advantage.

Kaidan swiftly maneuvered in a half circle - ending up behind him - in the speed grabbing Shepard's wrist and locking it behind his back. Shepard grunted at the force, as he had nothing he could do, not even attempting to pry the arm around his neck away.

"You're not going to live long if you continue letting your guard down, Commander," Kaidan said, nuzzling into his jaw.

He was so smug that it wasn't even funny, slightly rocking Shepard back and forth, being oddly calming. Shivers traversed down his spine by his husky voice only, being plain torture, that alone enough to distract him from whatever the hell he was doing. Who would've thought that 'by the book' Kaidan Alenko would know how to fight dirty?

"Not every day my opponent's ass looks that good in civvies."

"Hey, pendejos - get a room!" Vega called. Shepard flipped him off, earning a chuckle from James. He felt Kaidan grinning into his temple. Attempting to move, he was only to be held back, arching his brows in interest because of it.

Kaidan lips ghosted his ear. "As for my reward..." he purred, making him smirk. "Lesuss. I'm coming along."

 _Way to kill the mood._

He certainly hadn't expected that. Shepard blinked, taking it into consideration as he studied the ceiling. When Kaidan loosened his grip around him, he pulled slightly away.

"These are Ardat-Yakshi we're dealing with. I don't know if they're hostile or not, so there's no room for mistakes," he said, turning to see Kaidan wearing an expression as if he couldn't comprehend a single word of what he just said. He wanted to make it perfectly clear what Kaidan was asking. What he was asking _Shepard_ to do.

...bringing Kaidan to a dangerous mission such as this one.

"Ardat-Yakshi," he confirmed, and Kaidan's expression mulled. "They're uniquely gifted asari that has the power to make someone their thrall by seducing them. Can dominate organics, works just like hacking drones and such, so they're a force to be reckoned with. That migraine has probably weakened your resolve. I know you despise waiting on the sidelines, but take it easy for a couple days, let it heal."

 _Worst excuse I've ever had._

Sighing irritably, Kaidan averted his eyes, and he knew he was busted.

"Look, Shepard," he said, voice lowered. "You're constantly throwing yourself into the fire without taking into consideration what that'll do to those around you. Hell, if you expect me to just accept that - waiting for you to get back from a suicide mission when I could be there to watch your six - you're dead wrong. We can't let _this..."_ Kaidan flicked a finger between them "...come between the mission. We can't hold each other back like that. It's selfish. I'm no less capable than I was before we got together."

"Here I was about to suggest tucking you in bubble wrap and lock you in."

Shepard glimpsed the subtle upturn on the corners of Kaidan's mouth, pursing his lips to attempt hiding it. Kaidan was desperately trying to keep a straight face, and his adorable expression shone through.

 _Cute,_ he thought, smirking. _Yeah, definitely *cute.*_

Kaidan cleared his throat, succeeding in holding back the laugh. "I'm good, Commander. Thanks," he said, and rolled his shoulder. "So just... let me. Okay?" There was a plea present in his tone. "Just like old times."

"Good job at making me feel like shit, major. Fine. Like I said... Stubborn."

* * *

Kaidan couldn't help but notice the quiet ride back to the ship after their mission on Lesuss was done.

The situation had deteriorated quickly when they found out a bomb had been planted in the Great Hall. While there, they ran into Samara, who John had briefly mentioned being an asari Justicar. The reapers had gotten to a woman named Rila as well as every other Ardat-Yakshi in the monastery except from her sister, Falere, who both appeared to be Samara's daughters. Samara's code had been to kill all Ardat-Yakshi that lived without a monastery, but she refused to kill her own daughter, and put a gun to her head. John had thankfully stopped her. It turned out well in the end, as Falere had promised to stay there, so both she and Samara could live.

John had told him about Samara, but he had never gone in to detail about her daughters being Ardat-Yakshi, as he obviously had encountered them before. It made him curious. He had been asked come up to his cabin after the mission report had been written, so Kaidan was headed his way, hoping to get some answers. An understanding of sorts. Something in John awoke after Samara nearly committed suicide.

However, when he reached the top deck, he heard two voices.

"C'mon... I need to know you're safe," John said.

 _"I've already told you that I need to do this myself, Shepard,"_ came a feminine voice with an Australian accent, being strangely familiar to him. He had heard it before. Somewhere. _"I'm fine. Right now, Oriana is everything I care about. Bloody hell, adding this to your list of troubles isn't worth it. I can handle this alone. I don't need you to be the 'knight in shiny armor.' Not this time."_

Approaching the doorway, he saw John sitting on the bedside with an omni-tool voice-link display before him. His arms lay across his thighs with a deep frown by his brows. He could see the worry lines by his eyes.

John pinched the bridge of his nose. "Dammit, Miri. Listen to me -"

 _Miri?_

It could be this 'Miranda Lawson' he had heard about. It had to be the woman in John's company back on Horizon. Kaidan didn't really want to eavesdrop, so he cleared his throat, making him aware of his presence. John peeked up from his hand with a startled expression, although it shortly mellowed, appearing to somewhat relax again. There was still something guarded about him. Tense.

"I, ah... I could come back later," Kaidan said, shooting a thumb over his shoulder.

John shook his head. "It's fine, major. Just give me a minute."

 _"Not necessary. You have a war to win, Shepard. I suggest you get back to it."_

"Miri -Dammit!" he said, and rose. She had hung up.

John sighed.

"Miranda Lawson, right?" Kaidan asked, curious. "Liara told me about her, said something about her sister going missing. I've noticed how strange you've been acting lately, so hell, you don't need to explain. I get it."

Walking past him, he replied, "Only part of it. Miri - _Miranda_ and I, we were..."

 _...together._

That explained why he had been pacing so much lately. John needed someone to turn to when he was tracking the collectors, and Kaidan was glad he had someone, but he couldn't help but notice the increasing whiff of jealousy that ushered through. Someone had held him, kissed him, slept with him, those weeks he was away. Kaidan couldn't help but wonder if it would be different if he stayed. Helped him stop the collectors.

"I'm sorry, Shepard," he muttered, and he was. John was hurting, and hell, that was enough.

John slowly nodded in thanks, but then the skin around his eyes drew tight. He didn't met his gaze. By his focused glare, it seemed like thoughts passed behind him like shadows. John put up a guarded position by folding his arms across his chest, leaning to the fish tank. Kaidan knew, just by that look alone, that he was going to get all the answers to the questions he hadn't asked yet.

"There's a reason why the crew doesn't talk about their time with Cerberus, but we agreed to bury everything related to it," John said.

 _What, Horizon?_

"I'm looked upon as some damn hero, and that's as far away from the truth as it can get," he added, building up a point that made him feel uneasy. "I can apparently do whatever the hell I want and the Alliance just chooses to look away. My involvement with the Reds? Covered up. My temporary alliance with Cerberus? You name it. The batarian relay on Aratoht? I killed over 300 000 people and yet the Alliance brass chose to do nothing but take away my ship and keep me in lockdown for mere months. Do you know why I was locked up?"

"Because someone had to answer for what happened," Kaidan said, although he wasn't so certain anymore.

Dropping his head to the tank, John said, "Sure, that's what the Alliance keeps telling everyone. According to Anderson, if anyone else did what I've done, they would've been courts-martialed. Everything keeping me from getting locked up for life is my so called 'knowledge of the reapers.' Like I'm some sort of a damn martyr whose name needs to be protected at any cost. Throwing me to the batarians wasn't an option to them, but it sure as hell would've save them a shitload of trouble, after all the damage I've caused.

"If we win this war, all my wrongdoings simply goes away, just because I'm 'Commander Shepard - a symbol'," he added, and finally met his gaze. "The line between 'wrong and right' is thin as hell because my name is a label saying I'm allowed to pull the strings."

"Shepard, you turned yourself in."

"So that makes it all fine?" he asked pointedly, misunderstanding Kaidan's inquiry to the fullest. "Even you - of all people - got the same damn mindset as everyone else in the galaxy. This right here is exactly what I'm talking about."

"That's not what I meant," he replied, shaking his head. "After the events of Aratoht, we knew that the batarians would go to war if you walked away freely like nothing happened. That war would turn a blind eye to the reapers, and that would doom us all, seeing that we shouldn't fight each other when there's a bigger war ahead of us. If you hadn't gone willingly, you'd have it way worse. Destroying that relay delayed the reapers return. It was a tough call that no one should have to take, but it had to be done. Killing thousands so that billions could live."

Kaidan sighed. "Horizon didn't make that choice."

"You pissed me off when you walked away even if I know it was the only sane thing to do," he replied, scowling. "I don't want to talk about what happened because I went out of line on several occasions. My cybernetic scars, caused by stress, were a constant reminder of my actions that many would find unjust. I still can't get that look of repulsion you displayed back in Vancouver out of my head."

His gaze faltered. Repulsion. He couldn't deny it.

"After Horizon, I stopped caring completely as if I was back on the damn streets. Started drinking. Snapped at everyone and everything," he added. "Everyone that even as much as wronged me ended up with a bullet in them. I aggravated people, helped illegal services, killed hostages, left dozens of civilians to burn in a refinery so I had the time to go after a crime lord, and hell, that's just a portion of what I did."

 _You did *what?*_

The calmness in John's voice was as if what he was saying came naturally to him. Kaidan felt downright sick in his stomach. Nauseous. Unfamiliarity of pure but weary anger emitted from his blue eyes. Kaidan shifted his weight to his other foot just to add to the distance between them.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "I... I mean, people get aggravated all the time. Helping illegal services... you -you had a reason for it."

"I was low on credits. That's it. No other reason."

"That... c'mon, John. That's not too bad, okay?" he tried, but didn't fully believe it. "Sometimes... sometimes we need to do things we don't want to. It could be way worse... and killing hostages, that... that was accidental -"

"No, it wasn't," he replied, nearly snapped. "I killed them when they were held against me, removing the bargaining chip."

"So those... those civilians..."

"I could've helped them. I could've, and I didn't, because I didn't care," he replied, and scowled. "I'd rather see that fucker Vido as a grenade blew up in his face than save them. I just wanted that son-of-a bitch dead. Removed from existence. I didn't care for those civilians. Why would I? They were strangers. Unknowns. I had no attachment to 'em."

 _John... you're kinda scaring me here._

"Remember Khalisah? Hell, if Garrus hadn't held me back, I would've killed her on the fucking spot," he added, his voice not skipping a single beat. "That came back to bite me in the ass on Apollo's. She had an agenda. I was even an ass to Anderson - the only guy that cared about a messed up 17-year-old kid who killed for a living. Everything people ever saw in me was a monster who'd do whatever the hell he wanted without a second thought, and they were right, I just refused to believe it."

Kaidan opened his mouth but no reply was emitted.

They just stood there for a moment while John's usually blue eyes - now glowing a dim red - felt like they bore into his very soul. John took a step back, swirling before he slumped over to the table by the far end, Kaidan tracking his movement with the corner of his eye.

John reached for his old helmet and held it in his hands.

"I'm not the damn poster-boy for the Alliance that millions of kids in the galaxy idolizes, who wouldn't hurt a damn fly, only wanting to do the right thing. Few can come unscarred from the shit I've seen and I'm not one of them," John said, and took a moment. "I used Miranda for personal pleasures. She wanted a future with me. A life. I'm trying to make up for what I put her through but she simply pushes me away, and I can't blame her. I would'a done the same. Now she's on this damn crusade that's going to end up killing her, and it's all my fault."

 _Guilt... there it is._

Kaidan felt more and more unfamiliar. Almost lost. John's answers did more harm than good. He looked at the scarred helmet, John's eyes never leaving it, the veins in his hands drawing taut as they tightened around it.

John trailed a rift. "To answer your question... no. I don't regret a damn thing. It would've been better if I just stayed dead."

With that, Kaidan was out the door.

* * *

 **A/N:** Inspired by the M!Shenko tribute, _Behind Blue Eyes [Mshenko]_ by Akasha Yin on YouTube. **Trigger warning** \- you'll might cry (I know I did.)

My Miranda didn't place a control chip in Shepard, though. He acted entirely on his own terms. His mistakes are his own. He's also lying. Shep cared about Miranda back then, but when Kaidan stepped back into his life, that spark he had with Miri faded quickly.

He has a reason for lying, though.


	28. Ch 28: Sanity

**Chapter 28: Sanity**

* * *

" _Then that's what I'll be." - Kaidan Alenko_

In which our two leads (temporarily) break up.

* * *

 **A/N:** Everything will work out, I promise. I can only take so much myself.

* * *

Docking with the quarian envoy ship, Shepard pushed his weary body away from the war table with dull eyes observant to the Admirals of the Migrant Fleet. His ray of hope in getting their support had quickly vanished as he found out that they had acted on their own terms by recklessly engaging in open war with the geth, defying the Council's wishes of not provoking them, driving them away from their homeworld. Suffice to say, he wasn't surprised when they requested the _Normandy's_ support in disabling a geth dreadnought that was broadcasting a reaper signal.

This, of course, brought up the topic of the war between the quarians and the geth. Shala'Raan tried to rectify their choice by mentioning that they never wanted to create true AI's, but Shepard made it clear that two wrongs doesn't make a right, and that had the room go quiet.

In defeat, Shepard touched two fingers to the bridge of his nose.

"Don't bother. Admitting we were wrong would undercut the justification of this suicidal invasion plan," Koris said, his arms folded across his chest "...and this time, we may have destroyed our people for good."

Their fleets were pinned in the very same system and the reapers had conjoined with the geth, empowering their resolve, making them far more effective in combat. If that wasn't bad enough, Gerrel had also involved the civilian ships in the attack, needing to retreat before they managed to lose the liveships. The plan was to board the geth dreadnought and disable the signal that the reapers were emitting.

Shepard found himself conflicted if the mission or the civilians were top priority. They needed some technical expertise for the mission to succeed in its whole. It didn't take long before a familiar quarian - rather recently made Admiral - stepped through the doorway.

"Tali'Zorah vas _Normandy,_ reporting for duty," she said, and Shepard smiled.

He retreated to the captain's cabin to wait for Tali who had wanted to speak with him in private. As he entered, his eyes wandered to the neatly stacked pile of reports on the couch that he had been writing the past couple hours.

 _Worst part of the job._

He sighed and skidded over where he latched them up in his arms, nearly toppling over as he ran his foot into the table, muffling an annoyed grunt before he moved them to the inner table. Putting them aside, his gaze traversed aside where he picked up a stray report, about to join it with its peers.

 _Report: Ardat-Yakshi Monastery._

He shook his head and shoved it aside.

Shepard nearly startled when the door fell open.

Tali stepped through the doorway. It all came to show that she had been busy with the Admiralty Board seeing that her father was the previous Admiral, and Tali had to take his place, seeing that he had passed away not too long ago. That was the reason why she hadn't been able to contact him. Garrus had however remained in touch and acted as a go-to when things became difficult.

She plucked at her suit sleeve. "Thanks for asking me up. I couldn't talk freely in front of Raan."

Tali was obviously upset about something judging by the strain in her voice, tone nearly brittle, and the way she refused to meet his eyes. His protective instincts had immediately kicked in as he had approached her with a comforting effort, touching her shoulder, attempting to regain her gaze. The new tech that had made the invasion was based on her father's work, Rael'Zorah, who had been illegally experimenting on live geth behind Tali's back.

He would never forget the way she broke down after finding him dead. It hurt to see her like that.

Shepard kept Rael'Zorah's intentions between him and Tali by her own wish, seeing that if he was exposed to the Admiralty Board, he would be depicted as the worst war criminal in quarian history. Tali didn't want that and Shepard accepted her decision. To him, Rael'Zorah's actions weren't unforgivable. She also voiced her concerns about Admiral Xen being in the picture and indulged Shepard about having the responsibility of seven million lives.

Tali had done everything she could, and if any of them died, it wouldn't be because of her.

He gave her a lackluster smile. "We'll get them out of there safely, Tali."

"I couldn't do this without you, Shepard. I feel like I'm bluffing," she said, forcing back a laugh. "Trying to convince them that the Admiral's daughter knows what she's doing."

"Not the Admiral's daughter... the Admiral."

"I know. And at least now, I can push back against the worst ideas. That's why I accepted the position," she said, being a smart decision. Tali gave him a somewhat shy look over her shoulder, laying eyes upon the heroic image he had built, like a mentor "...and because of you. When they offered me this position, I asked myself what you'd do. I thought you'd take the chance to make things better."

She averted her eyes. "That probably sounds stupid. It's just, I know I'm not really qualified for this..."

Tali's lack of self-esteem was almost painful to witness. She was an amazing woman with great qualities that no one else in the _Normandy_ squad could even hope to accomplish. She was a much needed - and thoroughly appreciated - support.

Shepard clasped his arms behind his body and straightened his posture.

"You're doing fine, Tali. And thanks," he replied, and a small smile played at his lips. "Look, there's one thing I've been meaning to ask... it's kind of been bothering me." He fell into a pause. "So... turian brandy?"

A low growling sound emitted for the quarian.

Tali shook her head. "Keelah... I swear, Garrus never shuts up," she murmured, and he could swear she was blushing. "Against my better judgment... I feel for him. At least I got my feelings sorted out and settled for a turian." She chuckled. "Ha! My father would've _hated_ you."

Shepard couldn't help but smile. Tali didn't have to do much to lift his spirits. He was glad to have her back.

It became evident by the time of the suicide mission that Tali's feelings for Shepard simply had been misplaced, being more of a hero-worship, seeing that she explained that it was difficult for a woman not to fall for a "dashing commander" to use her own words. It turned out that falling for a merc vigilante who took 'calibrating' to a whole other level was difficult not to fall for as well. Shepard only had to choose his team and they would head down to take care of the geth problem.

* * *

A feeling of dread spread inside him as his eyes sought out the door to the Starboard Observation. After their talk two days ago, Kaidan had moved down, not having stepped a foot inside the captain's cabin. Kaidan was the only good thing in his life - knowing damn well that he doesn't deserve him - and yet he held onto him as tightly as he could. Kaidan made him question himself. A commander shouldn't do that.

Maybe reassignment was the best choice after all.

Getting attached was a weakness. _Kaidan_ was a weakness to his resolve. Nevertheless, he had already fallen into that trap and gotten attached beyond reason. Shepard had barely slept lately because of those thoughts of moral denial constantly roaming his mind. The nightmares and the cold, empty space beside him kept him restless with a determined hold, a darkness to envelop him. He was an idiot believing that everything would go back to normal after what he had done under Cerberus' banner, like he was cursed, never allowed to settle down and live a normal life.

 _A normal life,_ he thought, and snorted internally. _Hell, this 'normal life' is nothing but alien to me._

Shepard swallowed his stubbornness and headed for the door with reluctant purpose. Aside from the _Normandy_ engine's muffled hum, the room lay in dead silence, not easing up the tension between them by an inch.

"You're not coming up again, are you?" he asked, leaning to the doorway with crossed arms.

Kaidan stood by the window with the orange omni-tool display illuminating the glass. He knew he was there. If he didn't, the reflection from the window revealed his presence if he looked up. He was still angry with him judging by the fact that he didn't.

"Depends," he replied, his jaw locked tight. "You still want to die?"

His chest tightened hearing the hint of ice in Kaidan's voice. He wanted to approach him, wrap his arms around his waist to seek the closure he had been longing for, but he didn't. Instead, he stood like a wounded animal just waiting for the hunter to finish him off. Kaidan received no reply, not able to see the softened look on Shepard's face, as his tense muscled back yet faced him. He could hear him sigh deeply as his shoulders briefly sagged. The omni-tool display ceased. Kaidan escalated an arm to the glass window before him and rested his forehead against it.

"Look, I just need to know something," he said, and Shepard knew that now came trouble. "Do you honestly not regret what you did?" He found it better not to answer that question. Kaidan lightly bit into his lower lip. "At the top of it all, you lied to me? Great."

Shepard noted his sarcasm.

"I didn't." He immediately regretted his words when seeing the way Kaidan's hands clasped into fists, and exhaled slowly. "Hell, I don't know what you want me to say. I've always been a man of action, K. Not words."

Pushing himself away from the window, he gave him a look over his shoulder.

"No. No, not always. Back then, you did whatever you could to resolve conflicts diplomatically. Now? Now you're just looking for an excuse to pull the trigger," he replied. "Cerberus was simply a cover for you to do what you wanted - without anyone judging you for it - so you could blame it on them instead of taking the heat yourself."

He couldn't deny his observant approach. Kaidan had been thinking a lot about this. That much was certain.

"It all comes down to what's _best_ for the damn galaxy," he replied, his voice stern as he took a step forward. "Someone's got to make the tough decisions. Hell, it wasn't like I tortured and murdered innocent people in cold blood. Every single one of 'em got what they knew was coming to them but that doesn't mean I was proud of it."

Kaidan finally turned to face him.

"If that was and stayed in the past, then I'd be willing to forgive it, but your moral line is still pretty unclear to me here," Kaidan said, shaking his head. "Like I said... 'sometimes a way a thing goes down does matter.' And you don't seem to care if it ends pretty or not."

 _Which is why I need you._

Running a hand over his buzz cut, Shepard averted his eyes, eventually ending up at the back of his neck. He pressed at the tight muscle there. It was such a small thing to say, but yet, he didn't know if it would ease or add to the unwavering tension between them. Shepard didn't want Kaidan to think that keeping him leashed was his only purpose, because it wasn't, as his support meant a lot to him.

"I'm not sure if I can get behind that," Kaidan added.

Shepard froze. He stared at him in disbelief, trying to process his words, only coming to one logical conclusion. His hand dropped motionless to the side. When the brown hue met his blue, they seemed conflicted, hurt apparent.

 _I thought so._

Horizon, Mars... they always came around, always forgave each other, but now this. He admitted those things to test if Kaidan still wanted him. So why did he feel like his whole world was stuttering - like the abyss itself surrounded him - when the answer was presented? Kaidan had added to the distance between them, and now it seemed like he had finally accepted that Shepard was broken beyond repair, having come to his senses. Shepard had warned him on Apollo's. Warned him that he didn't know what he was getting himself into. Yet here they were, discussing a topic that should've been brought up a long time ago.

It was probably better this way.

Slowly nodding, he swallowed down the lump in his throat. The muscles in his shoulders locked tight as he transferred his attention to the Starboard Observation window, finding it difficult to look him in the eye.

"The mission comes first... which is why I need an XO," he said instead.

Thinking about Kaidan now, he realized the exact reason why he held back, why he secluded himself up through the years after Ace's death. He was a battle-hardened soldier, but he was still just a man.

He had made a lot of mistakes in his life, but this... this tops it.

"Then that's what I'll be," Kaidan said, his voice painfully soft. It didn't get much clearer than that. "Look... Tali's waiting for you. For now, focus on getting these civilians out of the combat zone. If you want me to come along, just give the word."

Shepard took a moment.

"Guess you better gear up, then," he replied, and changed his stance. "I need a biotic, and Liara's still coming to terms with what happened down at Lesuss. Javik... kinda scares me. I think it's the eyes."

He could swear he saw the subtle upturn of Kaidan's lips, although it didn't last for long, if it wasn't simply his eyes betraying him. It was subtle but it was enough to ease the tension between them by at least an inch. The mission always came first. No strings attached, no unnecessary drama or attachments, no more questions of 'why' they were temporarily breaking it off. They didn't need to because they were both already aware of the cause. It was as it should be. Shame it took such a long time to figure it out.

Kaidan cleared his throat and turned away. "Yeah."

* * *

"We're approaching the quarian home system. ETA to Rannoch: five minutes," Joker reported, tapping at the screens.

Kaidan's glance briefly traversed John's way, seeing him in a straight posture by the cockpit, appearing to be more focused than ever. No matter how painful it might be, and how hard it felt at the moment, he knew it was the right thing. That was at least what he kept telling himself. Joker took them in after making a joke about the Russian Nation Anthem. Shepard ascended his eyes skyward and let his arms drop to his sides before he approached the airlock, waving him and Tali over.

"All right. Once we're aboard, we find whatever's broadcasting the Reaper signal and shut it down," he said, catching Kaidan's eye but only briefly. "Tali's our expert on geth software. She'll be handling hacking and security."

Kaidan nodded. "Good to see you again, Tali."

"You too, Kaidan," she replied, and he could see her gaze moving down to his wrist as he cocked a curious brow. Tali gestured towards it. "How's the omni-tool? Still using the Logic Arrest?"

"It's still the best model."

"Not for running multiple attack processes simultaneously," she corrected him, shaking her head. "You need a Nexus."

 _Wait, a Nexus? You're kidding, right?_

John blinked. "Ah, guys?"

"Hell, it might be more expensive but that doesn't necessarily make it better. I've weighed my options and went for the Logic Arrest. It was the more reasonable choice," Kaidan replied. "C'mon, Tali. You know the Nexus shield enhancements are years behind the curve!"

She rolled her eyes. "That's why you overclock the microframe."

"Guys?" John tried again, holding up a hand. "Clueless commander standing about? Anyone care to clarify?" When Tali inhaled deeply to explain the whole process, he waved it off. "You know what? Just... never mind. I wouldn't understand anyway." It appeared that one tube was physically insecure and that conjured up a problem to complicate matters even more.

John shook his head. "Too risky for the whole team. I'll secure the docking area."

Kaidan's expression immediately mellowed. He didn't like the idea. Not in the slightest. They might've broken it off, but hell, that didn't change the fact that he cared. John was putting himself at risk. The ship was even larger than an Alliance dreadnought, so that awoke some concern, and considerable understanding that the quarians were struggling. They had connection over the voice links and John described how the lack of gravity was disorienting. Arms folded across his chest, eyes forward, Kaidan felt more uneasy than he should've. John knew what he was doing but that didn't mean that he wasn't concerned, cause hell, he was.

Tali however got on the dreadnought schematics and aided him through the process. He could breathe out again when John found another airlock so that they could meet up again. The first thing Kaidan did when they reunited was to unconsciously ask him if he was okay.

John's, "I am now," broke his heart.

After some time, John was separated from them again - had another near-death experience by nearly falling off a platform - and Kaidan didn't know how much more he could handle before going crazy. They successfully managed to disable the geth dreadnought after a few minor obstacle along the way, but that wasn't what concerned him when nearing the end of their mission.

The geth, addressing John as Shepard-Commander, did.

Legion - the geth - had apparently worked with John when tracking down the collectors. By the way they conversed, Legion was labeled as 'a friend,' and Kaidan could feel a headache brewing up just thinking about it. Even Tali said she was glad to see it again and he felt more out of place than ever. He trusted John. His concern was if it would come back and bite him in the ass later.

That particular geth had been unwillingly taken into confinement and used as the reaper signal. They got the hardware blocks deactivated, and after that, the gunfire continued.

Shala'Raan's voice called out. _"Admiral Gerrel, what are you doing?"_

 _"Raan, check your screens! The dreadnought is helpless!"_ came Gerrel's voice. _"No barriers, and the main gun is offline. We can remove their flagship if we strike now!"_

Kaidan couldn't believe what he'd just heard.

"You've got to be kidding me!" John called, unloading on another geth.

The geth were storming the room with determined purpose of never allowing them to leave the ship. Hell, if the Admirals went through with what Gerrel was purposing, it wouldn't even matter. They heaved themselves behind cover as the geth moved towards them. This was Eden Prime all over again and he could nearly find himself having flashbacks from the mission. Jenkins, Nihlus, the Beacon. Everything.

 _"Dammit, this is our chance to withdraw the Civilian Fleet safely!"_

Rapid geth pulse rifles and cannons channeled throughout the otherwise empty room, and they were many, more than enough to overrun them if they got reckless. Kaidan found himself gazing several times John's way - his preferred tactic always having been a full-on assault - who had surprisingly enough managed to stay at the same place behind cover. There were geth hunters trying to flank them. They nearly ended up back to back as the geth were collecting themselves around them like a pack of wolves.

"What are you talking about?" Tali called, bewildered. "We're still on board!"

 _"We can't waste this chance,"_ Gerrel said, honestly planning on sacrificing both them _and_ the Civilian Fleets. _"Heavy Fleet, all forward. Take out the dreadnought!"_

Raan broke in. _"Patrol Fleet, hold position!"_

 _"You do that, and the Heavy Fleet gets wiped out,"_ he spat, and he wasn't wrong. Nevertheless, that didn't make his actions just. _"And if we die, a simple retreat won't save you from the geth response!"_

 _"Damn you, Gerrel."_

Tali moved behind cover. "Damn it, what are they doing?"

"Focus on the geth!" John commanded. "We'll worry about the Admirals later - I'll personally give 'em a piece of my mind if they follow through this bullshit!" He unloaded on a Geth Prime that had just arrived. "Alenko!"

"Got it!" he called back, charging a _Reave._

The pulse drained power from the Prime and gave them a fair advantage until two geth rocket troopers revealed themselves. After several more shots, it began to clear up around them, free to move with only a few stragglers left.

 _"Patrol Fleet, flanking support on the heavy Fleet..."_ said Raan. _"Give them a firing lane."_

Two more geth primes appeared in their line of sight, so John didn't waste another moment to order Tali to use _Sabotage_ on one of them, causing it to turn on the other, giving them an opening to finish off the stragglers.

 _"All ships, open fire!"_ Gerrel's voice rang out.

Only moments later, a huge explosion hit the concrete behind them, sending part of the ceiling down and nearly on top of Legion who barely managed to dodge it. Their only way out would be escape pods, but according to Legion, the geth transmit intelligences via remote signal and didn't use them. However, geth fighters were docked in the fighter bay's port-side. Several explosions surrounded them.

John growled at Gerrel's previous demand. "Legion!" he called, waving him over. "We gotta get the hell out here. Now!" He touched two fingers to his earpiece. "Shepard to fleet! Hold fire! I repeat, hold fire!"

Their feet took them as far as they could reach when realizing that the Admirals weren't responding. Either they had purposefully blocked them out or the explosions had cut the connection. Concrete fell before them as they are forced to take a step back, crashing down the floor beneath the roof, having them dodging and running towards the hangar.

The Admirals were about to shut the damn door.

John raised his voice. "Damn it! Double-time, people! We'll make it!"

And they did. Barely.

* * *

When arriving back at the ship, John knocked his shoulder hard into Gerrel's as he passed him, heading for the comm-room.

Kaidan was standing with arms folded across his chest besides Tali by the war table, observing as the Admirals were conversing about Gerrel, and how he should be charged for treason. Hell, he agreed. John's anger was understandable and Kaidan had to admit that he wanted little else but to throw Gerrel biotically across the room. He understood the importance of the mission and could accept their decision if it was just the three of them, but sacrificing entire civilian fleets, just to take down a geth dreadnought that wasn't firing? That was uncalled for. Not only that, but Zaal'Koris had sacrificed his ship to destroy a planetary defense cannon while they were on the dreadnought and had crash-landed on Rannoch, which left the Civilian Fleet without a leader.

Gerrel took a step forward. "I was within my authority as admiral of the Heavy Fleet!"

"And what of Shepard?" Raan asked distressed, gesturing John's way as he approached. "And Tali'Zorah, and Alenko?"

"They escaped unharmed!" Gerrel called, and crossed his arms before his eyes settled at John. "Shepard, the mission parameters changed. You're military. You understand that."

 _The damn nerve..._

"I understand that you wasted your chance to withdraw safely!" John snapped.

"The dreadnought was a perfect target!"

When Kaidan moved his gaze to John, the concentrated lines on his face faltered, realizing that he was holding back from doing something stupid. He was moving in a determined motion towards Gerrel with firm steps. It was only a moment of time before John would break. Han'Gerrel was testing his patience to an extent that he had never before seen. His eyes fell down, and he could see John clenching his fists.

Kaidan released his arms. "Shepard."

Snapping his attention with the same feral look as before his way, they locked eyes, and John's look mellowed. Kaidan saw him swallowing but chose not to say anything else.

"This is exactly what kind of shortsighted, bloodthirsty behavior I was worried about," John said instead, turning back to Gerrel.

Gerrel moved in until merely inches separated them. "If you could retake Earth with a little friendly fire," he replied, eyes piercing into John's as their gazes were unwavering, "you'd do it in a heartbeat!"

"You're lucky I need your damn ships, Admiral," he warned, his teeth gritted.

Giving him a cold shoulder, Gerrel said, "I've got to get back to the Heavy Fleet. Raan, we'll talk later." He bumped Tali's shoulder as he passed her with a force that almost sent her tumbling over. John took a step forward, but Kaidan held up a hand to stop him. Kaidan's eyes fluttered shut when seeing John's fists unclench. At least there wouldn't be any more tabloids about punching people. A reporter was bad enough, but an Admiral? Way worse.

Tali scoffed. "Bosh'tet."

"Prepare for the next mission," Shepard said, shaking his head. "We need to get to Admiral Koris."


	29. Ch 29: Broken Soldier

**Chapter 29: Broken Soldier**

* * *

 _"I'm fine." - John Shepard_

In which Shepard's last straw is pulled.

* * *

After becoming separated from the civilians, Zaal'Koris was hesitant when Shepard chose to go after him instead of them, knowing that he could only afford the time to get to one location. There was still the common sense of right and wrong, which pushed him forward into realizing that he was needed to lead the Civilian Fleets, causing Koris to upload his coordinates after some convincing.

Shepard could do nothing but relate as he had been in that position more than a few times throughout his years.

Admiral Raan debriefed them when they returned to the _Normandy_ that geth fighter squadrons were targeting quarian liveships, able to cripple the quarian fleet, so they headed down to disable the server controlling the squadrons.

Shepard turned to Legion. "What's our status?"

"We remain undetected on encrypted geth channels," he replied. "Resistance is likely only within the server. Direct virtual interface is necessary to extract geth from the server. You must enter our consensus."

Kaidan shook his head. "That kind of tech isn't even on the market," he said, rising from his seat. "This can't be safe."

It was then obvious that Legion wanted him to virtually interact with the geth. Humans had experimented with virtual interfaces before, recalling back to Project Overload where a rogue AI-human hybrid was nearly unleashed, but the geth had apparently refined the interface. The _Normandy_ also had equipment to facilitate safe contact.

Legion simply asked Shepard to trust him.

"I have your back, Legion, even if I don't quite understand why you need it," he replied, straightening his gauntlet.

"You are an unknown. This is an advantage. Geth security is not adept at targeting organic thought processes. While we occupy the system's intrusion countermeasures, you will disable the squadrons by removing geth from the server."

"If it saves the liveships, we've got to try it."

He briefly cast his glance Kaidan's way, whiskey-brown eyes focusing on nothing in particular while directed at an empty spot in the shuttle. It was an expression that he found mostly unreadable. Seemed like a mixture of disapproval and disdain by his light frown alone. Kaidan didn't know Legion, so Shepard didn't expect him to trust him like he did. Yet, Shepard was convinced that his distrust for Legion wasn't the only thing roaming his mind in this very moment. It was either a headache, or it had something to do with Shepard. The latter seemed more plausible.

"Telemetry data predicts this operation has a high chance of success," Legion said, and walked up to the shuttle door. "There is little time. We will bypass security while you secure safe landing."

Shepard blinked. "Wait. You're not going to -" he tried, but Legion simply dropped. "Let's... set the shuttle down by the cliff."

Legion hadn't been straightforward with the mission, so when they returned to the _Normandy,_ they did so with a newfound cooperation with geth primes who volunteered to help out in the war. Legion had transferred geth programs from the server into the platforms that they had earlier seen, not wanting to leave anyone behind, seeing that the geth were now AI's capable of individual thinking. Shepard knew the feeling of leaving someone behind so he couldn't blame him. He could relate. So he let him.

The mood in the shuttle back wasn't as grim as he had expected, but the sensation was yet there in the unusually thick air around them, a faint cloud of doubt wrapping them in the atmosphere. Shepard didn't hear any inquiries from Kaidan who seemed to have a change of heart about geth in particular. The grim mood later turned light when Kaidan asked Legion about his armor - Shepard's old N7 - so Shepard could do nothing but smile as Legion's only reply was "no data available."

Tali added that Legion was a 'fanboy' of a certain commander.

* * *

Shepard touched down on Rannoch with Tali and Garrus after they had geared up a few hours later. He watched as Tali walked up to a cliff edge and crouched down to the soil, bringing up her omni-tool, studying the ground before her. He and Garrus approached in silence. Shepard touched her shoulder in attempted comfort, a gesture that she seemed to appreciate, as she nodded and patted his hand. He knew that this meant a lot to her and so did Garrus. They agreed to give her this moment and relish it for a time before they had to resume their mission in removing the geth presence. That was, after all, what they were there for.

Tali hung her head. "I can't believe it. I don't think it's really sunk in yet. The homeworld. My world," she muttered, voice nearly brittle as she stood. "Look at the sky. And the rock formations? They used to write poems about them."

"When we're done, maybe you'll write a new one," Shepard said.

Her eyes crinkled to reveal a small smile. "This is Rannoch, the world of our ancestors. Our bodies carried the seeds that spread the desert grass. You've heard me say, 'Keelah se'lai?' The best translation I can come up with is, 'By the homeworld I hope to see someday'," she said, and made a square with her index fingers and thumbs. "The living room window will be right... here."

"Something I should know?" he asked, giving Garrus a knowing smirk as he folded his arms across his chest. He could swear he saw the turian flush.

 _You settling down, Garrus?_

"I just claimed the land," Tali replied, and looked out on the landscape with hope gleaming in her eyes. "I know, it doesn't mean much, but when this is over... I'll have a home."

"The quarians spent centuries as nomads. You think you can go back to living in one place?"

"We have gotten used to carrying our homes around with us." She seemed uncertain as she nervously fidgeted with her hands, but Garrus walked up to her as his talons clutched around something tangible. She held out her hand. Shepard had to smile when he looked at the small rock in her palm, Garrus' hands affectionately enveloping around hers, before he took a step back.

She chuckled. "Well, that's a start."

* * *

Kaidan found out that the _Normandy_ had just recently docked after getting back from the quarian homeworld. He had gotten a message from one of his students in 'Biotics Division' before John headed for Rannoch.

He arrived at the Presidium where he met up with three of them. His students had to go off-grid for a while, and that explained why they hadn't been able to contact him while he was waiting for an update. Kaidan had to admit that he had been somewhat worried even though he told John otherwise when asked. He was still responsible for them.

"Alenko, huh?" came a gravelly voice. Kaidan pushed away from the reception counter and turned to see an older man with one blind eye and pronounced facial scars. "You're that guy who made the Commander go fuckin' nuts. God goddamn job. He was too soft."

Kaidan blinked. "Uh, what?"

"That bastard never told you about me? Zaeed goddamn Massani," he said, and it immediately went up for him. Zaeed was a mercenary that worked with John during the collector mission. "Vakarian and I personally had him pull his head out of his arsehole to focus on the mission. Never would've thought he was fuckin' gay the way he was droolin' over that Cerberus officer."

Kaidan uneasily shifted at the statement.

Zaeed must've been over-exaggerating. Kaidan couldn't exactly deny the slight feeling of dread as if barbed wire was scraping against his insides, either, because Miranda really had to be something. He saw her on Horizon, so hell, there was no doubt she was beautiful.

Hesitating, he rubbed the back of his neck. "I, uh... I think the term is 'bisexual'."

"I don't give a flying fuck what the term is. He could be into varren for all I care. Whatever's better to strike him fancy than that stuck-up chick with her chin raised so high I could've sworn her head would've fallen off," he replied, and Kaidan smiled. Definitely over-exaggerating. "Not to mention she always had a feud with that psychotic bitch. Helluva show. You missed out by playing 'good little soldier' and stickin' with the Alliance."

Kaidan smiled softly. "I sure have."

"If Shepard loses his head, we're all goddamn dead, and the reapers will be dancin' on our graves. Take my advice, kid. Kick his arse in the right direction and keep him there."

 _I'm trying._

"Good. I needed to get that out. Now excuse me, but Jessie and I need to take care of a godforsaken volus that pissed off the wrong turians," Zaeed finished, and gingerly patted his rifle. Kaidan arched a brow. Jessie? "Tell the Commander not to forget giving me a damn call when you move in on Earth if I don't run into him first."

Kaidan gave a nod as Zaeed walked away. "Will do."

* * *

When returning to the _Normandy,_ Kaidan was surprised to notice the unusually good mood at the ship, lighthearted chatter channeling out in the room. It was as if there wasn't a war on and everyone had gone back to their posts as if nothing ever happened in the first place. For a brief moment, he actually believed that Chakwas had snuck some sort of medical substance in the mess food to get and keep morale up, but he flagged it off. Chakwas wouldn't do such a thing unless she had ingested one too many Serrice Ice Brandy bottles. He headed for the cockpit.

Joker looked over his shoulder. "Hey, Kaidan! So how'd it go at the Citadel?"

 _Okay, even Joker's friendly to me. The hell? Something's definitely going on._

"What happened?"

Spinning his chair around, Joker snorted. "Look, just because I don't treat you like shit anymore after holding that gun on Shepard, it doesn't mean something's wrong," he replied, but Kaidan gave him an unimpressed look. Joker cracked then. "Shepard killed a reaper. On _foot."_

Kaidan's eyes widened. "He did _what?"_

"Back on Rannoch? It wasn't a reaper base it was a live _reaper!"_ he called, more enthusiastically than usual. "We found out that their weak point is that huge red laser thing, started shooting, and it just fell to the ground. Legion was like, 'We may escape while it recovers,' but Shepard wasn't taking any of that crap and just jumped out, started firing at the weak spot and holding it off, so we could gun it down. It was sick!"

"It -it wasn't sick, it was stupid. Reckless," Kaidan said, sternly.

Scoffing, Joker said, "We won, didn't we? Hell, I was scared shitless when it occurred, too... but we won. Man, take that up with the Commander. I'm not going to act like a go-to when you two don't communicate properly like a couple should."

"We're not -"

There was a twinge in his gut.

 _Yeah... we're not._

Joker blinked. "Oh boy," he muttered, turning back to the controls. "Well, I'm definitely not going to be your marriage counselor. You guys figure it out. I'm afraid you just missed him, though. He's at the Citadel... somewhere. When you run into him again, just, uh... go easy on him?"

Kaidan felt his brow furrowing.

 _Like hell I am._

"Legion kinda sacrificed itself - _himself_ to save the rest of the geth back there. Something about 'requiring a direct personality dissemination' to give all geth intelligence. He's a little upset about that."

That changed things.

* * *

When Shepard had earlier opened his terminal he sure as hell didn't expect to see a message from the queen of Omega. Aria T'Loak. She needed him for something, and he had to admit, he didn't like the sound of that. At first he thought it was about Blood Pack, Blue Suns and Eclipse backing out when it came to helping out in the war, but it turned out that Aria needed his help because it was personal. That made him even more uneasy. It came to light that Aria had lost Omega to Cerberus and wanted Shepard's help in retaking it with any means necessary. He knew not to 'fuck with Aria' so he headed there as soon as he had taken care of a few things.

Miranda had met up with him while he was on the Citadel to request access to Alliance resources, and he gave it to her, trusting her with his life. She still didn't want to say where she was going. Shepard had to admit that he had expected that peculiar detail. He could tell that she hadn't buried what happened between them even if she avoided the subject when brought up. While on the Citadel, he also ran into Zaeed. The main reason why he headed down was however thanks to Tevos who needed him to get to Thessia as soon as possible. Seated next to Bray - Aria's bodyguard - they had just arrived back at the Citadel.

Shepard found his omni-tool beeping and brought up the display.

Kaidan.

Aria had said she wanted Shepard "by herself," told him to come alone, so he didn't get the chance to inform anyone. Shepard had been away for quite a few hours by now and his crew was understandably uneasy thanks to their CO's sudden absence. He needed to get back before he was reported KIA.

Giving Bray a nod, he headed out of the shuttle and answered the call.

"Hey, what's up?"

 _"Shepard, thank god. Where have you been?"_ he asked, and Shepard moved a hand to gingerly rub the tight muscle in his opposite shoulder. _"Hell, nearly the whole crew has been trying to reach you the past three hours. They eventually started coming to me to question if their omni-tools were malfunctioning -"_ Kaidan stopped and gave him another unreadable expression. _"I, ah... I see you've been busy."_

Returning a puzzled look, Kaidan gestured to his lips, making a brow furrow. Shepard touched his mouth, brushing two fingers against the somewhat chapped skin to feel a slight moisture before pulling his hand back, looking down at his hand. Rubbing his thumb and index finger together, he attempted to figure out what the hell it was. The substance was somewhat glossy, and transparent, so it wasn't blood. It was... lipstick? He remembered.

 _Oh... right._

He snorted. "Yeah. Funny thing, that. Aria pulled a death-grip on me. Guess it's her way of saying 'thanks'."

The look Kaidan gave him could only be described as nothing but disbelief or surprise - or a mixture of both - as he blinked owlishly, frozen in place aside from his eyes darting all over his body, before setting at his own.

 _"Aria. You're telling me that Aria... *T'Loak,* kissed you?"_ he asked, with emphasis on 'T'Loak.'

"Don't act so surprised. I'm really damn charming, after all. People tend to enjoy my presence," he replied, but Kaidan didn't seem impressed by his joke. "She wanted my help in retaking Omega, and she's back in charge, so hey." He fell into a pause. "How'd it go with your students?"

 _"Look, Shepard..."_ Kaidan saw right through his attempted evasion.

Sighing, Shepard wearily rubbed his eyes. "I know this is about Rannoch, Kaidan. So shoot. Give me a lecture on how my actions were reckless, un-strategic, sloppy and without safety in mind," he enumerated. "I know how it goes."

 _"I just wanted to know if you were okay."_

Shepard immediately realized that Kaidan was referring to Legion, and that made him feel a twinge in his gut. Legion had referred to himself as _*I*_ instead of _we_ in his final moments, and that hit him harder than he would've thought. After he had uploaded the code to all geth, he had become a fully developed AI, a person. EDI confirmed his theory when arriving back at the ship.

Even Tali mourned him.

He swallowed hard. "I'm fine. We're bound to lose more people in this war and I've accepted that," he lied, and avoided the subject. "I spoke with Tevos, though. The _Normandy_ is needed in Thessia. Can't tell more over an insecure channel, so I'll fill you in when I get back, being in about 30 mikes or so. Tell Liara. I need you both down there."

 _"Okay, I'll get it done. Just... try to be more careful."_

Back at the matter of Rannoch.

He wanted nothing more but to drop the subject. Not able to handle Kaidan's characteristically worried expression any further - those damn, deep, honey-brown puppy eyes - he nodded to confirm his promise. At least Kaidan didn't hate him judging by the fact that he didn't want him to take any unnecessary risks. He still didn't know what the hell to think about the whole situation between them these days.

Getting back to the _Normandy,_ he wasn't surprised to see a few concerned glances and walked up to the cockpit to deliver a message.

"All right, crew. I had to take care of a few classified matters back on the Citadel, so no, I'm not dead. I plan to stay that way," he said, and crossed his arms. "We're back on the clock, so get ready to lift off as we're headed for Thessia. Councilor Tevos' orders."

* * *

Stepping through the airlock after they had returned from the asari homeworld, John blundered past both him and Liara when he attempted to reach after him, headed straight for the cockpit in long strides without even bothering with his armor. Liara quickly disappeared to the crew deck after putting on a brave face and an "I'm fine," to leave Kaidan standing there, feeling helpless. He slowly pulled off his helmet and un-equipped his armor before he headed for the elevator.

He stopped when he heard muffled voices from the cockpit.

"In case you hadn't noticed, we just lost a few million people!" he could barely make out John's voice. "This isn't the time!"

Kaidan couldn't make out the rest of the conversation.

He leant his back to the wall besides the elevator and folded his arms across his chest. They had just lost Thessia and it was taking its toll on John. He would never forget how all the hope had vanished in his blue hue as several reapers touched down, the desperate cries for help from the asari commando over the voice-link as it descended, and they could do nothing but watch the despair and destruction from a distance. Then there was nothing but silence with the distant hum of the reaper signal blocking the communication.

Kai Leng had gotten away with a VI holding information about the Conduit.

According to EDI's metabolic scans of John's armor, he was under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz, even more than Akuze. Kaidan couldn't even imagine what this would do to him after hearing about his deep depression after losing his unit to thresher maws.

John said he was fine.

 _Bullshit._

Kaidan heard footsteps a few minutes later and tilted his head up to see John stepping out of the cockpit with weary steps and hunched shoulders. He was rubbing the area between his brows as his expression was drained. Tired. Without even lifting his eyes, John passed him and disappeared into the elevator, Kaidan's brows tightening in a concerned fashion as it shut behind him. The fact that John was pushing aside and distancing himself from everyone, including him, was silently tearing him apart.

When the elevator came back down, he pushed himself away from the wall, wanting to go after him. Kaidan hesitated as his hand hovered over the button to deck one on the control panel. He choose to give him some time and instead pushed deck three.

* * *

Shepard dreaded the thought of facing Liara after what happened at Thessia. He had no idea what to say or do. It was bad enough to believe that they had lost Earth but she truly had lost her home. Seen its fall firsthand. That was way different. Whatever happened down there was his fault, whether Anderson and Hackett agreed or not, because his damn job was to be prepared. At all times. Not only that, but Leng had somehow found his personal e-mail and rubbed in the whole defeat, gloating about his triumph.

That was the reason why his terminal lay on the floor, deep visible cracks in the screen, non-functioning.

Worst of all, they almost defeated Kai Leng down there, but the coward got away by sending the floor down beneath them. Shepard wanted nothing more than to wring his damn neck. First Thane and now this. He was amazed how ignorant Cerberus was who actually believed that they could control the reapers. The reapers needed to be destroyed. There was no other way to win. As they had tracked Kai Leng to the Iera system, the _Normandy_ set course for a refugee camp called Sanctuary, on Horizon.

Only bad memories down there.

"You don't have to pretend, you know."

His eyes went wide as he in a quick motion moved the whiskey glass away from his mouth. Shepard looked up in his chair in the inner section to see Kaidan leaning up against the wall supporting his model ships. He had a stoic demeanor although he could see soft honey-brown beaming with concern. Shepard's fingers closed around the glass.

 _I could've sworn I locked the door._

Kaidan held up his omni-tool. "Spectre codes," he replied, probably having seen the tightness in his expression because he justified his actions by seconds in addition to his unspoken statement.

 _Of course. How could I forget that?_

"Right," he said, and emptied the glass. Shepard winced at the subtle burn in his throat and pushed it aside. As his feet were escalated to rest at the table and crossed by his ankles, he situated himself in a better position, seeing that they were just about to fall asleep.

Kaidan had chosen not to comment on the broken terminal although he had certainly seen it.

He was aware of the dark circles around his bloodshot eyes from alcohol. He knew he looked like hell. Kaidan didn't comment on that particular matter, either. Shepard didn't bother to clean up the empty bottles before anyone arrived. If he was going to let anyone see him like this, he might as well go the whole way, and show the whole reality.

Shepard cleared his throat. "So what can I do for you, major?"

He had sent everyone trying to get in contact with him away and deactivated his omni-tool for the time being. Part of him wanted to be left alone. Nevertheless, he could never say 'no' to Kaidan. Shepard had tried on several occasions. He just _couldn't._

"You can start by dropping the 'indestructible act' that you keep throwing at everyone."

Shepard arched a brow and moved his gaze to look at him. "That the reason why you broke into my cabin? I'm sorry to say that you're, uh... concerns... are wrongly placed," he tried, and shook his head. "I told you. I'm _fine."_

It was another lie as clear as the day.

"Okay." Kaidan wasn't attempting to pry any further. "Okay, I'm going to trust you not to do anything rash - like throw a punch at someone - but hell, that doesn't mean that I believe you won't." Shepard felt his abdomen churn again. "You can't just shut me out like that."

 _Why?_

Shepard straightened up for feet to plant at the floor and situated himself in the bed to face him fully. Allowing the arm holding the report to heavily drop to his lap, his other hand ended up on his thigh as he fixated him with an unwavering glare.

"I shouldn't have to explain myself to you anymore, Kaidan."

He immediately regretted his icy undertone, but Kaidan simply looked at him as he seemed untouched by his outburst. He didn't move. The air got thicker, and Shepard realized that he was holding his breath, uncertain where things stood between them.

"I know," he replied, approaching him. "But I can see this is wearing you out, so just... go easy on yourself."

A scowl touched the corners of his brows. "I just lost a whole damn planet _and_ the intel on the only thing that can save us from the galaxy's annihilation, Liara's locked herself in her room and you can barely look at me without seeing everything wrong I've done. The hell am I supposed to 'go easy on myself,' huh?" he spat, defeated. "Should I run around making jokes like Joker? Pretend I don't care? Hell, I don't know. Everything's fucked right now and I'm pissed off because of it."

Lowering himself to his side on the bed, Kaidan said, "If that part about me was true, then I wouldn't be here." He touched his thigh, and Shepard immediately felt his muscles tensing up as a thumb gently rubbed his knee. "Thessia wasn't your fault whether you agree or not."

Shepard shook his head again and bolted up from the bed.

He couldn't stand the softness in Kaidan's voice, as if he was speaking to a damn kid, reminding him that he wasn't being professional about the situation that had so recently occurred. Thessia was lost but he was a commander, someone who should dust himself off and prepare for the next mission, yet here he was - broken and doubtful if his actions mattered at all - wanting to just lose himself to alcohol to take those thoughts away. To numb his senses. Pity was the last thing that could get through to him.

He believed that Kaidan, of all people, would know that.

Shepard walked up to the desk. "If you came up to see if you made the right choice, here's your proof, front-fucking line," he said, grabbing the glass and refilling it. "Or do you just feel obligated to check up on me because you're my XO?"

He tilted his head back and ingested another.

"That's not fair," Kaidan muttered, voice like a heavy sigh.

 _Then why the hell are you here, Alenko?_

He was distraught by Kaidan's sickeningly calm approach to this. Anyone else would've told him to stand up for his mistakes, embrace them, and move the fuck on. That's what commanders do - that's why you never got the important missions when in a low rank - because a lower rank hadn't learned how to deal with heavy losses that every high rank had to endure. Hearing the bed softly creaking behind him, his fingers clasped around the neck of the bottle to pour himself another one.

"You're right, John. You _are_ a man of action."

When he was about to move the glass back up to his mouth, a gentle hand cupped his, before taking it away from him and putting it back at the table. Shepard was surprised that he even let him. He felt a pressure on his hip, allowing Kaidan to turn him around so they faced each other. Shepard's expression was shrouded in shadows as he refused to meet his eyes. Feeling his chin grasped, his head was gently tilted up.

"But I guess that's also part of what I love about you," he added, and Shepard felt the muscles in his jaw clenching. "Hell, call me an idiot if you want... but I can't just quit you. I can't, because..." Kaidan sighed, closing his eyes. "Because I love you, John."

He seemed to be fighting to open his eyes again after _those_ words had been spoken, but eventually they did, looking straight at him. The same stoic appearance shrouded Shepard's features, but on the inside, he didn't have a damn clue what to do with himself.

What to do with that information.

"I know you think that me saying that is uncalled for right now, but believe me, I want to follow through with this," Kaidan said, as if he was reading his thoughts. He took his hand back. "You came at me with a lot back then, I just... I -I still need some time to process all this." They once again lock eyes, and for a moment, they just existed. "But I'm here if you wish to talk."

 _Do I?_

Shepard found himself conflicted. He wanted him to stay, but at the same time, he refused to let Kaidan see him like this. A broken soldier. Part of him wanted to collapse into his arms, be held until all the pain simply just went away, but it was never that easy. The legendary 'Commander Shepard' was an icon, a symbol of hope, someone that people looked up to. 'John Shepard' was nothing.

So he pulled away.

"I've got to finish this report."

That was everything he said before he turned back to the desk and left Kaidan standing there. Shepard could feel his eyes upon him. He was aware of his own tense posture, and so was probably Kaidan, even if Shepard's back was turned against him.

"I'll be in Starboard Observation if you need me," Kaidan finally said. "You'll get the chance to speak with Liara in the morning."

Kaidan didn't say anything else before he exited the cabin. At once the sliding doors shut behind him, Shepard's brows tightened, just looking at the damn thing where everything he had done wrong was written down. It didn't take long before he threw the report aside again, plunging his fists into the table, his head bowed and heavy. Hard enough for the wear and tear to reach his knuckles, his calloused hands, only tissue away from becoming bloody. His breathing was hard, shaky, and barely controlled. Not only had he pushed the crew aside.

He had pushed Kaidan aside.


	30. Ch 30: Stay

**Chapter 30: Stay**

* * *

" _Take care of him for me, will you?" - David Anderson_

In which Shepard has a breakdown.

* * *

 **A/N:** Ugh. I can't write emotional scenes.

* * *

Kaidan let out a heavy sigh before the doors slid open to reveal the galaxy map in the CIC. He wasn't surprised in the slightest when John didn't protest as he left the room. The past few days, he had become more and more acquainted with the aspect of being pushed away. John had been right about not having to explain himself, he was aware of that, but it still stung to hear those words coming his mouth with such venom as if Kaidan had joined the reapers themselves. He still cared.

Hell, he loved him - he had finally said so himself - but that didn't justify anything.

John had gone quiet after he told him that, and he had to admit, it made him somewhat uneasy. He didn't expect to get anything in return, not after bailing out on him like that, so he couldn't understand that gnawing feeling against his insides. These days, John just acted, using threats and occasionally bullets instead of words. That wasn't necessarily bad. Unnecessary violence, sure, but he wasn't breaking any regs. Most soldiers couldn't talk people down like he could, and it seemed like he had simply chosen to ignore that gift, as if he had just stopped trying.

He had settled for that explanation until he heard about Rannoch.

Kaidan found himself more than a little conflicted when he learned that John had managed to get the quarians and the geth to cooperate, ending a war centuries in the making, just like he cured the genophage back on Tuchanka. John could simply enough choose to either aid the quarians or the geth, but instead, he made an alliance. He seemed to have changed when back in Alliance colors.

 _Was I wrong to walk away?_

He shook his head as if attempting to get the thought out of his mind, immediately regretting it, as there were remains of an earlier headache. Kaidan pressed two fingers to his temple and stepped out of the elevator.

"Major Alenko?" He halted at Sam's hesitant voice. "Anderson requested to speak with you. He's over voice-link in the comm-room."

A frown breached the surface by his brows as his hand dropped to hang immobile by his side. He could imagine it being about John, although he wasn't sure why Anderson would contact him, and not the commander himself. Kaidan noted her curious expression as she certainly knew that he had just spoken to him, but she kept quiet, possibly figuring that they would sort things out themselves.

Sam, Steve and Vega hadn't been with the _Normandy_ crew as long as the rest of them, so they stayed on the sidelines when things got a little dicey.

"All right, thanks," he replied.

Kaidan headed for the comm-room and was greeted by the sight of Admiral Anderson.

 _"Major Alenko, good to see you."_ Kaidan snapped a salute with a 'you too, sir.' _"A shame what happened at Thessia. Kai Leng is a slippery bastard. Hackett debriefed me what happened back there but I heard you were there when it occurred. It was that bad?"_

His hands connected with the banister. "Yeah... Liara isn't doing too hot. It's getting to Joh _-Shepard,_ too."

 _"I figured as much,"_ he said, shaking his head. _"It's bad enough to see Earth like this, so I can't imagine how difficult this is for her. Still, I'm convinced she'll come around. Eventually. I don't think I'm the best man to have that conversation with her, though. Shepard, though... He's deactivated his omni-tool and refuses to answer any of my calls. Tell me, did he on any occasion bring up what happened after Horizon?"_

Kaidan chewed his bottom lip. "Bits and pieces, sir. I think he's in a similar situation right now, but that -that's only my personal observation. I wasn't really there, you know? But I can't really get through to him," he said, moving a hand to rub the back of his neck. Anderson gave him a curious look. "We, ah... we had a bit of a falling out. I didn't take it well when he told me. He's pushing me aside, and hell, I can't exactly blame him. He trusted me with the information, and... I handled it badly."

 _"It's a difficult position, son. Don't blame yourself. Believe me, I've wanted nothing more than to whack him over the head on several occasions."_ A small smile threatened the surface of Kaidan's lips as his hand dropped. _"First thing he did when he arrived at the Citadel in company of Cerberus was to ask after you. He wanted to contact you as soon as he was up, but I didn't let him. Safety protocols. You were still in the Alliance when it occurred, and I couldn't risk any incidents by involving you in that mess. It could go out of your rank. Your name."_

Kaidan swallowed slowly as his grip tightened around the relocated bar. A strong feeling of guilt coursed through his veins. Horizon. He had blamed John for not taking contact. This is why he hadn't. Kaidan felt like an ass.

 _"In any event, I know that you boys will figure it out. You always do. Just look at everything that's happened since then."_

Kaidan and John had admittedly become closer than ever after that. It was a slow process, but it happened. Now, he had pushed it away again, bailed when things got difficult instead of trying to figure something out. Kaidan didn't know what to do.

 _Time,_ he believed. _That's all I need._

He didn't know how much.

"Aye, aye, Admiral."

 _"No need to stand for formalities, son. 'Anderson' is just fine,"_ he said, holding up a hand. _"There's a lot to prepare down here. I need to get back to it. Good luck at Sanctuary. Take care of him for me, will you?"_

"I will. Stay safe, Anderson."

 _"As to you, Alenko. Anderson out."_

* * *

Rest didn't come easy to Shepard that night, not even judging by how tired he was.

He couldn't get Tevos' distressed voice out of his head as he had informed her of what happened down at Thessia. When he told her that there was nothing they could've done she had cut him off before he could say that he was sorry. There was only so much death you could take before the despair consumed you, pulled you inn, and stood like a shrouded shadow behind you to reflect the outcome of your actions. Shadows don't reflect light. There was only dark.

 _"John?"_ came a tired voice.

Shepard had unconsciously typed in Kaidan's name in the contacts list on his omni-tool and was only now realizing it. The clock was 0216. Of course he had been sleeping.

"Hell, sorry... I didn't -"

 _"No, it's fine. I'm here. What's up?"_

The bed softly creaked on the other end of the voice-link as Kaidan was probably sitting up. Shepard sighed softly at the way his voice didn't even skip a beat. Kaidan was too damn perfect. He had told him that he didn't want to be shut out, so he figured that this was a step in the right direction.

Shepard didn't respond immediately as he didn't have the faintest idea.

 _Why did I call?_

He was convinced that he had accidentally hit 'end call' after a minute had passed in silence, opening his mouth to say something to see if he was still there, until he heard his voice again.

 _"Uh... do you want me to come up?"_

Shepard's lips drew into a thin line as he considered his question, concentrated and deep lines carved into his forehead, like it was as complicated as 'what's the meaning of life.' He wearily rubbed his eyes.

 _Fuck, do I? Hell, I don't know._

"Yes."

Kaidan took a moment before he responded.

 _"Give me 2 mikes to get dressed, okay?"_

He would usually drop a "Just come as you are," but he was too drained for snide remarks, too drained for jokes and useless pleasantries that would be forgotten about a day later. He didn't want to send any bad signals, either.

"Yeah, sure."

For a moment, he just looked at the disconnected omni-tool, wondering, _What the hell am I doing?_ He eventually threw the interface aside, his hand propped to his thigh, the other reaching for the bridge of his nose. He didn't know where he was going with this. When Kaidan picked up, he asked him 'what's up' not 'do you need to talk,' because he already knew. Shepard needed to talk but he didn't want to.

He pushed himself up from the bed, headed for the restroom in weary steps, and put his hands on each far end of the sink. Turning it on with a light stream, he cupped his hands beneath, splashing the cold water in his face. He looked up from his hands and up at the mirror in front of him before his hands relocated the counter. The dark circles around his eyes weren't ceasing to exist, and the contrasts were still apparent, wondering if he would ever be able to sleep peacefully again.

Grabbing a towel, he guided it across his face before putting it aside. He had awoken by the same nightmare as he did each night, becoming stronger and more severe, more and more voices of the dead that has been lost and recalling and judging decisions that he had made.

.

 _/"I understand, Skipper. I don't regret a thing..."/_

 _/"Had to be me. Someone else might've gotten it wrong..."/_

 _/"Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness..."/_

 _/"Does this unit have a soul...?"/_

.

That wasn't everything that kept him awake. 'I love you,' Kaidan had said. 'I _love_ you.' Those words had been passing by in his mind like shadows, constantly, giving him both the sense of belonging and fear. Kaidan said he couldn't lose him again. Shepard didn't want to hurt him, because hell, that was probably exactly what would happen. He would die and Kaidan would be left behind. Using those words would leave a soft spot in his defenses, so he didn't say it back, even if he wanted to. He had never used those words, collaborated into one sentence, in his whole life.

No one ever mattered as much.

It didn't take long before he heard movement in the room besides and he knew that Kaidan has just entered the cabin. Shepard's hands connected back at the counter as he regained the position he started out with. The weight of his shadow was enough to drag him down.

* * *

Kaidan met John's eyes in the reflection when he tilted his head up.

"Hey..."

He was given a lackluster smile. "Hey," John replied, obviously burdened with everything going through his mind. Kaidan could see his eyes traversing across his body. "Decided to get up early, huh?"

"EDI couldn't read any signals so I guess there's no sensors in the restroom. I was looking for you. Thought you had gone out."

"Well, congratulations - you've found me. Great tracking skills, major. Ten feet and all. No wonder why you got a promotion." John was stalling again, merely evading the inevitable, but he couldn't blame him for trying. Kaidan sighed, and just by that, John knew he had been caught red-handed. "Didn't want to wake you."

"Well, I'm up now," Kaidan said.

"K -"

"What's wrong?"

Kaidan was internally begging him to just let him in. Let him help. Stop pushing people away. Stop pushing _him_ away. He didn't want John to be the stoic commander that lied his ass off to keep morale, tell him that they were going to win this war without any complications, because deaths were inevitable. Most people needed that - the blind confidence - but he didn't. He wasn't just going to let things slide anymore.

"Hell, I'm... scared."

The deep lines in Kaidan's forehead ceased to exist. It was amazing how such vulnerability could be shown in merely a word. Scared. John was scared. A deep pit formed itself in his abdomen. God, it hurt witnessing him use those words, the way his voice appeared strangled. Broken. His usually firm and dark voice now reduced to a lost whisper oozing with doubt. Fear. Seeing Thessia's fall might've been his last straw. He played that stoic part perfectly well and he hadn't let his guard down before now. John finally opened up.

...and it meant the world to him.

He could see the wear and tear that had taken its effect on the once believed-to-be larger than life Commander Shepard. To think that once, he looked at him as just that - an indestructible man with a willpower so strong that he could refuse even the strongest attempt at indoctrination - and now he was seeing him like this. Silently suffocating behind that ever-so stoic demeanor, guarded, letting him know just how human he was. Every death, every mistake, it all weighed heavy on him. Kaidan realized how much of an idiot he had been for refusing to believe otherwise.

 _/"I don't regret a damn thing."/_

He had fooled Kaidan just like he had fooled everyone else. He had purposefully made Kaidan angry with him because he thought that Kaidan was 'too good for him.' That he didn't deserve him. It was obvious now that John couldn't live with the guilt for doing those things. Kaidan wanted to chuckle in relief, but the unmoving lump in his throat didn't allow him, so a small smile surfaced his lips.

Behind that wall, he was still _his_ John, who knew he had made mistakes.

Kaidan pushed himself away from the doorway and approached him. Without a second thought, he wrapped his arms around his waist from behind and pulled him to himself, feeling him tense in his embrace.

"Fuck, I'm terrified," John added.

He tightened his grip around him and closed his eyes, pressing lips to his shoulder blade before he opened them again, John nearly shaking in his arms. His jaw was locked tight and his eyes were dull as he looked at nothing in particular.

The sternness in his expression held back emotion.

"I'd be worried if you weren't," Kaidan said, looking up at John's reflection to see him biting his lower lip. His eyes were more blue than ever with a hint of glisten. Kaidan sighed into the back of his neck. "My god, John. Talk to me. What are you afraid of?"

Silence.

"Of losing this war," he replied, and Kaidan pulled him closer as if he was a fragile object only needing a huff of air to break. "Facing Liara again after what happened at Thessia, never being able to get back to how things were, the casualties back on Earth, the families never reuniting with each other..." Kaidan met his eyes in the mirror. "I'm afraid of placing another name at the memorial wall."

Kaidan rested his chin at his shoulder.

He offered him a sad smile. "You won't have to," he said, without skipping a beat. "We'll get out of this alive. All of us. I'm going to be with you every step of the way. We'll end the cycle. Defeat the reapers."

His voice quavered "...and I'm going to show you Vancouver."

John broke the glance, driving a fist into the sink - nearly shattering it - before attempting to pull away. He tightly closed his eyes to force back the substance clouding his vision. Kaidan captured his wrist before he had the chance to go, turning him around, forcing him into an embrace. John broke in his arms, his hands trembling before they clutched the cloth on his back, nails burrowing into the fabric to silence them. Kaidan could do nothing but hold him as John buried his face in the grope between his neck and shoulder, clinging to him as if he was his last lifeline.

"Dammit... I want more time..." he choked, voice hoarse and muffled by Kaidan's shirt.

"We'll have more time, John. You and me. Us." He felt his eyes beginning to cloud up as well, but he blinked them away. "You're human just like me." He let out a small chuckle. "Stubborn as all hell, but still human." Kaidan nuzzled into his jaw and gently rocked him. "I've been thinking... and I'm willing to give whatever this is another go if you are."

John inhaled a ragged breath as he dropped the guard he had worn his whole life.

He stopped struggling, and even then, Kaidan didn't let go of him. He simply pulled him closer. They just stood there for a while, wrapped up in each other's embrace, a needed support for them both. He simply held him until John chose to pull away. Kaidan moved a steady hand to find its way to his neck. When they parted, he immediately felt John's lips upon his, his brows tightened. He was trying to cover over the salty substance that had touched his face, keep it hidden, but Kaidan knew it was there.

Kaidan gently caressed his cheek, wiping the single tear away, before his other moved to cup his jaw. He pulled him in deeper when John naturally opened his mouth. He smelled and tasted like alcohol, but he didn't care about that.

John didn't need pity, he needed _this,_ and Kaidan knew it.

The touch of his lips was as soft as it could be. Even if it was nearly a week since last time, they was just as synchronized, just as familiar with each other's movements. Hands moved to trap Kaidan's civvies before they were pulled at, John lurching forward with his willing motion before Kaidan gently pressed him into the counter, lips never parting. Kaidan's hands moved away from his face and traversed down his bare triceps until arms eventually closed around his waist. He felt him relaxing into the embrace.

John once grinded his hips to create friction, sending a shiver down Kaidan's spine, when hands slid up beneath his shirt. Kaidan pulled himself inches away, his hand propped to the sink, as they thread in dangerous territory on the edge of going further. He touched his forehead with his own. John's eyes were tightly closed as he breathed in his all too familiar scent. Kaidan didn't realize how much he'd missed this.

After a moment, John asked, "What made you change your mind?"

"Our hearts are complex things, Shepard. I could blame you for indecision... but that doesn't change how I feel about you," he said. "I know now that you're unable to go a single day without feeling guilt, and that... that's the difference between a man and a machine. You regret what you did... and that's enough for me."

The area around John's eyes drew tight as he caught him glancing down at his mouth. He watched as he leant forward again to resume their activity, but Kaidan touched his lips, trailing a thumb across it. He captured John's chin and gently tilted his head up before planting a tender kiss at the corner of his mouth. He allowed his hand to trail down John's arm until they were hand in hand, both interlacing their fingers with each other, before Kaidan leaded him back to the bed. He trailed after. John then asked him to stay.

So he stayed.


	31. Ch 31: Sanctuary

**Chapter 31: Sanctuary**

* * *

" _Finish this? You promise me." - Miranda Lawson_

In which Miranda is critically wounded.

* * *

 **A/N:** Subtle changes from the original mission.

* * *

Liara was in bad condition when Shepard approached her the next day, curled up in her bed, bloodshot eyes from unyielding tears.

She was hunched over the reports on Thessia. It hurt to see her like that. He could see the guilt in her ocean-blue so he did what he had to do. He told her that it wasn't her fault, overlooking the irony skulking beneath, recalling back to Kaidan, Anderson and Hackett's previous attempts at telling him the same. He gave Liara a new goal to help the refugees, but he felt like he didn't deserve the "thank you" he received.

Everything felt lighter after that, as if a burden had been lifted. He could get back to the matter of Sanctuary, put Thessia behind him for the time being so that he could focus on the upcoming war. Shepard didn't say it, but Kaidan's earlier 'pep-talk' had helped, and that was what eventually got him back up on his feet. Neither he nor Kaidan brought up what happened last night and he was grateful. It was a moment of weakness that he couldn't risk the rest of the crew knowing about. It wasn't because of pride or shame.

It was because he _needed_ to be strong for everyone else that couldn't.

Kaidan knew that. He knew that he was putting up that tough-guy image because false confidence came a long way. Who would follow the order of a supposedly professional commander who broke down after seeing Thessia's fall? He was still on the front-lines.

 _Few,_ he thought. _Few would stand by me._

He returned to the CIC. Shepard had decided to bring Kaidan and Garrus along for the mission. Cerberus had apparently taken interest in Sanctuary and they were there to figure out why. Something felt off about the whole thing and he was well-aware of the on-edge look about him, close to start rocking back and forth on his heels, an elbow propped to his wrist. Shepard glanced over his shoulder as he felt the light pressure of Kaidan's hand, giving him an encouraging smile as he passed him to head down to the cargo bay, being a big support.

They had situated themselves in the shuttle heading down to Horizon.

 _"The facility went offline recently, and no communications have come or gone since,"_ EDI reported, making Shepard shift uneasily. _"It is unclear why Kai Leng or Cerberus would be interested in Sanctuary."_

"If there's a clue to Cerberus here, we find it."

"Sir, I'm picking up a signal from the facility," Steve said, and leant in towards the controls. "It's weak. I'll try to boost it."

A light static was heard, and Shepard's brows drew together. He sharpened his hearing considerably as he tried to listen. Skidding over to him, he wrapped steady fingers around the handle on the roof.

 _"This is Oriana Lawson. Stay away from Sanctuary. It's not what it seems."_ His eyes went wide. _"Please, you must listen to me! They're using -"_

It abruptly cut off.

Garrus' mandibles clicked. "Well, that doesn't sound good."

"Oriana?" Shepard asked, finding his hand hurting and realized that he had unconsciously pressed too hard as if to inflict pain upon himself. "That's Miranda's sister. If she's here, Miranda can't be far away."

 _Damn it, Miri... What the hell were you thinking?_

He pushed himself away from the handle and approached the shuttle door where he took note of Kaidan's sudden silence. He was looking out on the colony with a fixated look as if there was nothing but memories behind the metal. Collectors, seeker swarms, Harbinger... their falling out. Shepard had seen what happened at the collector ship, when the colonists on Horizon became liquefied - much to his horror - but he hadn't experienced the paralysis poison in his veins as Kaidan had.

"That bad?"

He saw Kaidan's jaw clenching. "Imagine being unable to move a muscle, aware of everything happening around you as insects the size of your own hand crawls all over you... seeing friends being taken," he muttered, and shook his head. "Yeah, I'd call it 'that bad'."

It was obvious that Horizon still bothered him, but now, it was for different reasons.

"Wish we could've gotten there in time."

Kaidan turned to him with a somewhat startled expression at his delayed reply, although it soon mellowed, offering him a tired smile. The warmness in his eyes were apparent like before. Shepard shook his head and averted his eyes.

 _Here I thought *I* was in deep,_ he thought, barely able to contain the smile.

"You did what you could, Shepard. I'm grateful. Probably didn't sound like it down there, but... you know. Old wounds."

Shepard nodded slowly. "Right. So, are we good?"

"Yeah... we're good."

* * *

Kaidan didn't know what to think when they touched down to find out that the area was nearly destroyed. Fires burned in several sectors and concrete was pushed over the pavement. Aside from the eerie sound of flickering embers, everything was quiet like the grave. Someone or something had been fighting. The transmitter must've been broken because their signals were jammed. Either that or they weren't alone. Firearms ready, they snapped to awareness when a Cerberus shuttle was thrown twenty feet before them. The sudden ruckus drew their attention towards a Harvester.

Much to his relief, it was too busy with Cerberus to pay any attention to them. It could be a nice distraction for them to be able to move unscathed, but they were forced to break into combat when Cerberus stormed them. Reaper forces were currently pursuing their operatives who appeared to be fleeing. It looked like Cerberus weren't on good terms with the reapers anymore. With raised firearms, they headed further in.

 _"This is a Cerberus facility..."_ came a familiar voice, channeling out, only to be cut off. Kaidan immediately recognized it. Miranda Lawson. He watched as John walked up to the flickering vid-screen.

Garrus stepped forward. "Shepard..."

"That's Miranda." John's reply was quick and on-point.

 _"This is Miranda Lawson."_ In the corner of his eye, he saw John's hand twitching when he had looked down to see him clutching tightly around his assault rifle. _"If you managed to get this far, you must be desperate or stupid."_ Kaidan carefully approached him and Garrus trailed after. _"Listen to me. This is not a refugee camp. This is a Cerberus facility run by my father, Henry Lawson. Turn back now. There is no help to be found here - all communication is being blocked form the central tower. Sanctuary is a lie. Stay away."_

The screen flickered again and turned black.

After standing there, Garrus cleared his throat. "I'll, uh... scout ahead, or... something. There has to be some sort of control room around here. Might be out of power but it's worth a shot either way," he said, and john nodded without turning around. "Watch your backs."

Kaidan caught his eye, and if turians could blush, that was exactly what he did. It didn't take long before it was just him and John. There was a brief silence between them before Kaidan spoke up.

"She was that woman who touched down with you on Horizon, wasn't she?"

"Yeah."

He hadn't forgotten. "She's beautiful."

"Well, she's genetically modified to be perfect, so that's... kind of a must," he replied, unfazed. Kaidan's eyes went wide. John turned before passing him, bumping his shoulder on the way as his light and not-so-subtle teasing was apparent. "In Miri's words, 'I settle for nothing but the best.' I'll have you know that I've got high standards."

Kaidan smirked. "Oh yeah?" he encouraged.

John winked at him.

 _"I'll_ have you know that I despise third-wheeling with a burning passion," a raspy voice called out, and the subtle twitch by John's lips confirmed that he was just as amused as he. "When you two lovebirds are done, could we please get moving?"

John shook his head. "C'mon, Garrus. If you wanted to join in, you could've just said so."

"I will hurt you."

Kaidan didn't participate in their lighthearted chatter. He couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. Maybe even hunted. They later arrived by the door to the control room with a large area below. When they entered, their gazes were plastered to a vid showing the refugees that came to the facility, turning the mood sourly grim. Kaidan had no words. He couldn't believe what he was seeing before his very eyes. The refugees were rounded up and turned into husks. It was grotesque. Cerberus did this.

 _How the hell can someone be this cruel?_

Approaching a control panel, John flicked on the lights in the room beneath. Loud and ear-wrenching shrieks echoed and he had to fight the urge of taking after his head. The refugee-turned-husks were seen firsthand in all their glory, climbing walls and crawling on all fours, watching them with drained and soulless eyes. They had gazes as if they wanted to be killed. When John was forced to take a step back the moment one of them jumped onto the glass before him, he and Garrus had immediately acted, drawn their firearms towards the commotion. The non-crystalline amorphous solid was thankfully strong enough to keep them separated.

Searching the room for more clues or documents on the horrendous acts that Cerberus had committed, his gaze drifted up, as John had gone quiet. He was looking out on the creatures wandering the floors. From a side-view, he could glimpse that his cheeks were slightly jutted, the area around his eyes tight as his lips appeared in a thin line.

Kaidan cast a glance at Garrus who's currently loading another clip into his sniper, seeming unfazed by John's silence, before he pushed himself away from a sturdy table.

Touching his shoulder, Kaidan asked, "Hey... you okay?"

"Yeah. Reminds me of the streets, that's all," he replied, deep in thought. Kaidan arched a curious brow at his somewhat cryptic reply. "Kids unable to know any better, and just looking for a new life, sought refuge with those gangs back on Earth to get enough credits to avoid dying from starvation and dehydration. It was easy at first, observing other gangs and reporting back to HQ, but... missions were dependent on their age. Later, as they got older, they had to take care of the more crucial missions.

"Intimidation, theft, burglary, sabotage... murder. Reality eventually kicked in for some of them, but for the others, it wasn't as clean-cut. They were sent to ruin another person's life so that they -...so that _we_ could live." Kaidan gently squeezed his shoulder. "Now I'm here, disgusted by Cerberus because of something immoral that I once wouldn't hesitate to do myself."

John met his gaze. "Funny thing, huh?"

Feeling his lips slightly tugging upwards, Kaidan massaged the tight muscle beneath his hand with his thumb. He was thankful for his honesty. John had told him instead of putting on a brave face and covering over his thoughts with a lie.

"We'll shut this place down, John," he reassured, and the hand slipped from his shoulder.

John cleared his throat. "Right," he said, obviously still uncomfortable about opening up. "Miranda's a powerful biotic with the stubbornness of a dozen krogan, but this... She's going to need some backup on this one."

"Then let's go get her."

They found another panel.

 _"Reaper forces have made a mess of the facility,"_ Miranda said, approaching a terminal. _"I'm shutting down the power to the processing plant to lock them down. Should keep them out of the entrance as well."_

The vid shut off and another took its place. Kai Leng. Miranda didn't know he was there.

Kai Leng was willing to kill her to get some sort of research data, so they knew they had to get to her first. They soon found out that the research data was about reaper indoctrination. How it worked. The Illusive Man was studying indoctrination and was aiming for directing that same control upon the reapers. He had gone too far. Henry Lawson - Miranda's father - was going to send the results of his experiments to the Illusive Man. He had found a way to co-opt the reaper's control signal, but extrapolating that technique to the reapers, was thankfully a bigger challenge.

Victims of the reapers could remain in control indefinitely if they were kept in close proximity and that was concerning enough.

"Come on, let's move," John said, and took a sharp turn towards the exit. Garrus shortly followed with talons clutched hard around his sniper rifle. Kaidan was about to trail after until he glimpsed the screen flickering.

He held up a hand. "Wait, Commander! There's more."

Kaidan could clearly see the deep, puzzled frown by John's brows as he turned his way again. They cleared the feed up. The vid showed Miranda arriving in some sort of lab that had to be somewhere in the facility. She stopped, eyes darting as if she was being watched. They saw her swirl around, her eyes immediately going wide as she in a quick motion attempted to run before a humanoid figure nearly dropped onto her.

Kai Leng.

John went into a panic. "Miri... Damn it!" he called, rushing towards the access ladder. "I hope she's ready for him."

They ventured further into Sanctuary with quickened steps. With their firearms at the go, the door before them swung open in one of the inner rooms to see Miranda curled up on the floor, a palm flat-down on the floor as she held herself up. The other was clutching what had to be a deep wound just above her abdomen. There was another girl. Oriana. An older man stood by her who could be no other than their father.

Miranda looked up. "Shepard..." she muttered, the shock evident in big blue hue beneath long lashes.

Their attention immediately wandered to Henry Lawson himself as he threw an arm around Oriana's neck. John took a determined step forward, mirroring the outstretched arm, holding a gun with a scowl on his face. Henry Lawson was using his own damn daughter as a hostage.

"Commander Shepard. Excellent timing," Henry said.

John scowled. "Put the gun down."

"No. Oriana tried to shoot me." Henry cast a quick glance at the girl he had in his grip before his attention wandered to the other sister, his focus then entirely on John. "Miranda's poisonous influence, no doubt."

Cynically, he replied, "I'm sorry she missed. Where's Kai Leng?"

"I don't know. Gone. He took my research and left us here to die."

John looked to his side. "Miranda... Can you hear me?"

A small whimper escaped her mouth as she attempted to sit up, hands connecting to the floor, pushing herself up. She nearly stumbled onto the floor again when she was up on shaky legs with the ground stable beneath her feet.

As the ground team's current medic, Kaidan could tell she was in a severely bad condition.

"That's close enough. Both of you!" Miranda stopped her subtle approach when Henry's finger moved closer to the trigger, the gun still directed at John. On impulse, Kaidan took a step forward. "Kai Leng didn't finish the job, but I will."

John didn't move. "This ends here."

"On the contrary. Now that the reapers are taken care of, we have a way out."

"Let her go."

"Shepard..." Miranda choked out, her eyes big and pleading. She appearing close to breaking into tears by the way they glistened in the dim lighting as she gazed at him. "Don't... don't let him take her."

Oriana was shaking. "Shepard... p -please," she muttered, eyes oozing with fear.

"I have no problem with you," John told Henry, his finger itching after the trigger. Henry was still Miranda and Oriana's father and that was reason enough to hold him back. "I just want Oriana and the research data."

"You want a lot," he replied.

John attempted to circle around him. "You get your life in return. How much is that worth?"

A moment of suffocating silence filled the air as Henry's gaze wandered to Miranda, then back to John, contemplating what to do. Kaidan's heart was beating hard underneath his armor. He was closely watching Mr. Lawson's movements to make sure to act if anything drastic happened. The suspense was killing him. If John didn't take the shot, he sure would. Henry pushed Oriana aside and straightening his posture with the gun still raised.

"All right. Take her. But I want out alive. Deal?"

A blue light lit up the room, and before either of them had the ability to think, Miranda had thrown her own father straight out the window with her biotics - the sound or cracking glass nearly deafening - before he fell to the ground.

She was breathing heavily. "No deal."

Kaidan's eyes went wide as she nearly collapsed right there before him, but John was immediately by her side and grabbed her by the waist. He moved with her body as it fell, dropping to his knee to allow support for her back. He looked desperate. That brief moment was more than enough proof that there had been more between them at some point. He cared about her, maybe not in that way, but he definitely cared.

He lowered his firearm and Oriana rushed over to them.

"Miranda?" she choked with tear-stained eyes, falling to her knees besides her. "Miranda, I'm sorry..."

He felt John's gaze upon him with a request, but Kaidan was already crouched down next to Oriana and fished out his omni-tool to ready the medi-gel. The communication was still down, so Garrus didn't waste a moment to head over to the console in attempt to getting the connection back. Call for a shuttle. They were dead in the water right now.

Miranda let out a shaky breath. "Shh... I -it's okay, Ori," she muttered, before reaching for John's face. "Shepard..."

"I'm here." He took her wrist before it dropped, gently moving it down to rest across her abdomen as she needed her to relax her musculature. Miranda moved her hand atop of his that was settled at her hip.

John's gaze shot up. "Garrus?"

"I'm working on it," he replied, and shook his head. "The -the security is tight."

"Shepard... stop," she muttered, brushing her thumb against John's knuckles. He turned back to her, the desperation in his eyes clear. "Look... listen to me... Before Kai Leng left... I -I planted a trace on him."

John forced a tight-lipped smile. "A trace? You thought of everything."

"Not everything." She swallowed with a small huff, unable to laugh. John pulled her in closer and touched her cheek. "Nobody's perfect, but at least Ori is safe." She smiled softly as he brushed a thumb against the area below her eye. "Finish this? You promise me."

"We'll get you out of here..." he muttered, with a break in his voice. "Kaidan?"

"I've done what I can for her, but she needs a medical professional. Fast."

John nodded his reply. "Just hold on," he said, turning back to Miranda. Another whimper escaped her mouth as he pulled her up in his arms in a bridal carry. When her eyelids shut, he gently shook her. "Miri, hey... Keep your eyes open. I can't risk you falling asleep. Eyes on me. Let's make sure everyone knows about this place. Oriana, stay close."

Garrus disabled the communication scrambler.

 _"This is Miranda Lawson,"_ the vid broadcasted, and Garrus tampered with it to set the recording on repeat. _"If you managed to get this far, you must be desperate or stupid. Listen to me. This is not a refugee camp. This is a Cerberus facility run by my father, Henry Lawson. Turn back now. There is no help to be found here - all communication is being blocked form the central tower. Sanctuary is a lie. Stay away."_

Finally getting in contact with Cortez, they head out to the landing zone, being on borrowed time.

They had already cleared the area of hostiles, so they only had to get there, no obstacle in their way. Kaidan pulled up the door for John and Oriana, his gaze turning away when he heard a loud shriek. He gleamed the harvester that they had earlier seen.

"Dammit!" John called, and propped into the seat. "Garrus, I need you to take that damn thing down!"

Garrus nodded and pulled out his sniper rifle, keeping the shuttle sliding door open when he aimed through the scope. Kaidan hopped into the front seat. Husks appeared and ran towards them before Cortez got them into the air.

They could finally breathe out when a precise shot brought the harvester down. Kaidan dropped his head to the headrest, his eyes fluttering shut. They eventually opened again before he glanced over his seat. Miranda was curled up on John's lap whose chin rested atop of her head, her eyes halfway open, him pressuring her wound. Oriana sat beside him as she held her sister's hand, the tears on her cheeks still apparent, guilt-stricken eyes.

"This isn't your fault, Oriana," Kaidan reassured her, offering a small smile.

She looked up at him with a drained expression, although a small appreciative smile appeared on her lips, before her gaze drifted back at Miranda. He caught John's eye and was given a subtle smile in thanks, but it faltered again as John looked away. His other hand was gingerly rubbing Miranda's arm in steady movements, his gaze focused as he looked out on the colony, refusing to meet his eye.

 _She'll be fine, John._

When they arrived by the airlock and were under contamination, John sighed heavily, leaning his back to the wall. His expression was as stoic as ever, but he could recognize the concern beneath his eyes. That was why John avoided eye-contact with him. Kaidan touched his temple, feeling a slight throbbing that was only going to get worse. He could only imagine John's reaction somewhat similar down on Mars. Miranda's wounds were critical, and there was only so much that he could -

"EDI, get Chakwas on the comm - now!" John's voice suddenly called out. "Clear the deck, we've got critically wounded without a pulse!" Oriana covered her mouth, and John rushed out as the airlock slid open while Oriana was quick on his heel. "Alenko, Vakarian - get the intel to EDI immediately, I want that son-of-a bitch hunted down!"

Kaidan nodded and gave Garrus a nudge before they head for the CIC.


	32. Ch 32: Recover

**Chapter 32: Recover**

* * *

" _It is called the Echo Shard." - Javik_

In which Shepard refuses to let Javik see the Echo Shard (because he lives that way.)

* * *

Little could be heard other than the gentle beeping of the heart monitor beside him.

Shepard had immediately rushed into the med-bay when he could no longer note any resistance, as Miranda had gone limp in his arms. He had felt his pulse throbbing in his throat when he realized that she wasn't responding to him. Chakwas was quick on the comm and was able to get her breathing again, but she was still unconscious. Shepard had propped into a chair by the med-bay gurney with a fixated look, elbows on his knees, his hands intertwining as they supported his chin that felt unusually heavy.

He heard a knock on the door. Shepard turned to the doorway and quickly straightened up, surprised to see Kaidan, as his own hands propped to his thighs. Kaidan kept his voice low not to wake anyone.

"Hey," he said, stepping into the room.

"Hey."

Kaidan held up two plates. "You've barely stepped out of the med-bay. Figured you and Oriana might want to eat something, you know?" he said, and placed them on one of the empty gurneys. Shepard offered him a small but appreciative smile.

"Thanks. You really are my XO, huh?"

"Someone's have got to take care of you," he replied, and calmly walked up to him. Eyes fell to Miranda with nothing but compassion in the honey-brown hue. "How's she doing?"

"Badly wounded, but she'll live."

"How bad?"

"Critical stab wound, go figure," he said, rubbing his eyes with an index finger and thumb. "Dr. Chakwas said she was close to severing an artery judging by the location the blade struck. Turns out Kai Leng's more acquainted with those dragon teeth than expected. Probably going to install the same function to his katana in the near future. He's... ceremonial. I'll give him that."

"And her?"

Shepard peeked up at the girl who had fallen asleep in the seat opposites him. Oriana's head had fallen to her hand, elbow resting on the chair lean, her knees to her chest. He had earlier draped a blanket around her that she now had snuggled into.

Oriana was just 18 years old, so everything did without doubt wear down on her.

"The kid feels guilty, haven't slept a damn wink before now, constantly asking for an update on Miri's situation. I finally managed to convince her that I could keep an eye on Miranda for her, though," he said, shifting. "How'd it go on your end?"

"EDI got the data analyzed quickly after we got back from Horizon. Turns out that he's somewhere in the Anadius system, but... We don't quite know where. It'll take about two days to collect enough data to determine a specific location. Getting to the Citadel from Eden Prime takes about thirty hours, and hell... We can't exactly search the whole system. It'd take weeks to even locate a system if she hadn't planted that tracker, maybe months, so at least the process won't be as time-consuming."

 _Nothing's ever simple for us, huh?_

He felt a gentle squeeze of his shoulder. "Hey, I've got to get back to it. I need to prepare my students for what's coming and see how they're doing," Kaidan said, about to leave. "Don't forget to eat."

"Thanks."

"One thanks is enough, but... I'll take it."

"No, I mean... for saving her," he replied, and took note the way the puzzled lines in Kaidan's forehead ceased to exist as he stood tall before him. "Chakwas told me she wouldn't've made it otherwise. I owe you."

"You don't owe me anything, John."

 _Yeah... everyone keeps saying that._

He wanted to snort. "Hell, I don't deserve you."

"No, you don't."

Shepard shook his head at his smug reply. Skidding back over to him, Kaidan returned a smile as his expression was mischievous with a hidden affection behind the roguish. He bent down, touching his forehead with his own, their eyes colliding. Shepard's smile morphed into a grin before he tilted his own chin up, heating his body up as his lips encountered Kaidan's, returning the kiss just as softly as he had received it. It was as he had expected. Soft. Gentle. Professional. He couldn't remember either one of his past lovers' practice the chaste nature like he did.

"If I knew I'd witness this, I would've requested the doctor to bring me some popcorn."

Speaking of past lovers... They look up at the person that those somewhat strangled words had come from. Kaidan had immediately straightened up in soldier-like alert when she spoke. Miranda was smirking.

"I'll go get Chakwas," Kaidan said, rushing out the door.

At once Shepard saw her attempting to sit up, he grabbed her hand, nearly falling off his chair in the quick motion to keep her there as it was close to knock over. She was stubborn, all right.

"Hey, take it easy. How do you feel?"

She made disgusted noise. "Horrible..." she murmured, taking after her abdomen. "Remember that I heal quick physically. The mental state will soon follow suit, rest assured." Her eyes went wide. "Ori -"

Shepard motioned his head with a tilt in her sister's direction, Miranda casting a glance her way, eyes closing shut as she allowed her head to gently drop to the gurney. He glimpsed the fond smile on her full lips as she looked back at her, but it didn't last for long. Her voice lowered into a whisper, seeing the muscles in her jaw clenching.

She swallowed. "God, she deserves so much better than that bastard we call our father. I never wanted any of this."

"I know." Shepard gently stroked the back of her palm with his thumb. "But she's got you - a sister that she loves who loves her back - and that's more than she can ask for. She isn't alone in this."

Miranda turned to him. "Thank you, Shepard. For arriving when you did. I... shouldn't have been -"

"Stubborn as all hell? That's out of character, Miss Lawson."

She exhaled. "My god, shut up," she murmured, still smirking as she leant back to fixate eyes at the roof. "You've been in lockup for a month, and yet, you manage to be a complete and utter arse. It's amazing, really."

"It's a talent." Letting go of her hand, he moved a lock of ebon hair from her face. Miranda turned to him and their eyes met. He brushed his thumb across her cheek, trailing the area below her eye, before moving across her jawline.

"I'm sorry -" he tried, but felt a slender finger to his lips in attempt shutting him up.

"If you don't stop apologizing, I _will_ throw you biotically across the room." Her expression was deadpan although her cute dimples soon became apparent. "I'm a grown woman, Shepard. Don't forget that. I have no regrets." Her hand dropped and connected with the other at her abdomen. "I have to admit that your bad-boy persona did strange things to me, and now that you're all paragon, it's taking away from your charm."

Shepard's gaze fell to the floor and couldn't help but grin slightly at her joke.

"I'm... proud of you, Shepard," she added, him tilting his head up to see her eyes narrow. "You better treat him right."

"Here I thought you were going to say, _he_ better treat _you_ right."

"Oh, no. I hope he treats you like the persistent bastard you are." She weakly nudged his bicep, causing him to shake his head in amusement. "He's aware what a handful he's got himself into, right? Or do I have to save him?"

 _Ouch._

"I think he's good, but thanks for the offer."

* * *

Kaidan was in Starboard Observation when hearing that Miranda was already back up on her feet. John had earlier mentioned that she was genetically modified, so that was probably part of it. She must've had some regeneration factor or something in her implant, and if she did, it wouldn't surprise him in the slightest. She was a biotic, he witnessed that firsthand, but he had felt the tingling sensation of the dark energy coursing through her veins long before her bravado. It was a connection all biotics had.

There was some biotics in John, too.

After his reconstruction, the Lazarus Project had implanted knowledge of _reave,_ as he had seen it used in the field after the Lazarus Project. John had however slightly forgotten how to harness the energy, so he came to Kaidan, who re-taught him how to use it.

Kaidan already knew that John had been exposed to secondary element zero back in 68, the very year that he himself killed Vyrnus, so it was completely normal. Just like every other being that had been exposed, you could either choose to pursue it, or avoid the matter entirely. Asari are all natural born biotics but not all chose to embrace it. Some found it unethical and even more looked upon biotics as freaks of nature. A hundred years back, it was deemed impossible, but they sure showed those scientists.

"So... shore leave, huh?" He had approached John after hearing a rumor aboard the ship that she had been grounded again. It was nearly Ilos all over again, although this time, they didn't actually steal a prototype warship.

John propped his hands to the war table.

"Guess you could call it that. 'Unwilling' shore leave, if you want to be specific. Hackett ordered us to take a break as the _Normandy_ is undergoing surface repairs not to be dysfunctional by the time of the final mission."

"Ordered."

He nodded. "Ordered."

"Wow."

"You tell me."

Kaidan crossed his arms. "Well, I'm not going to complain," he said, averting his eyes. "This whole damn thing has taken its toll on the crew, and hell, you've barely slept lately."

"Became difficult after I had gotten used to a certain lightly dressed biotic besides me only to find out he was gone."

 _Really, John?_

Flirting wasn't his strong suit. "Here I thought that _*I*_ was out of practice."

"Touché."

* * *

"Looks familiar," Shepard said, walking up to the blueprints of the ship in Javik's claimed room.

"I have been studying this ship, its crew." Javik pulled himself away from the basin of water that he frequently used to wash his hands, turning to face him. "There was a _Normandy_ before this one. You died in an attack."

"Something like that."

"But then you were resurrected... to fight the reapers."

"Maybe you and I have a thing or two in common."

"But you have something else: the reason you fight are still alive. The friendships of the people around you," he replied, and fell into a pause. "And more." Shepard cocked a brow at his lowered tone. "You and the human soldier are... joined?"

"You could say that."

"I don't. Your pheromones are."

 _Was that a smile?_ Shepard suspiciously narrowed his eyes, because that was definitely a smile. _Holy hell._

Javik turned back to the blueprint. "Is this why you wish to continue living? For their affection?"

"Without that 'affection,' all I have in my life is death. And that's not enough," he replied, and watched as Javik went back to the basin. "What about you? I respect your reasons for being here, but I get the feeling there's something more, Javik." The prothean shard they had found on Eden Prime caught his attention.

Shepard dragged his feet towards it. "What's in this?"

"It is called the Echo Shard. Passed from soldier to soldier, Prothean to Prothean. Each adds their memories to it," Javik explained, so it was like a beacon. "It goes back... to a time before the reapers. It is all that is left of my people."

"And you don't want to remember that?" he asked, curiously.

"Imagine if everyone you knew was dead. You could not remember their faces, or the color of the sky above your home. The memories were gone... but so was the pain." Javik approached him, eyes traversing to the Shard before retaking Shepard's gaze. "Would you want to remember that, Commander? Even if it meant watching everyone die again?"

Pursing his lips together, he averted his eyes.

Ash, Pressly, Mordin, Thane, Legion... Ace. Even as much as he wanted to see them again, he wasn't sure if it was the correct thing to do.

"Re-opening old wounds - especially big ones - isn't going to help."

"Perhaps you are right. There were others... soldiers who served under me, like your crew," he replied, and Shepard couldn't help but ask what happened to them. "They are dead. Where I left them."

Shepard took a moment. "We have a saying: 'Let old ghosts rest'."

"Then there is some wisdom in this cycle."

 _If you can live by it._

* * *

When the _Normandy_ was grounded, Shepard felt pretty much lost, not knowing what the hell to do with himself.

They were just a tracker away from finding Cerberus HQ and he could do nothing but wait for it to find the plausible location. Joker had invited him to some posh restaurant at the Citadel and said it was important, even if Shepard would rather stay in bed all day, tangled up in Kaidan who apparently already knew about the apartment that Anderson had just given him. It turned out that Shepard wasn't trusted with the codes not to lose them.

After struggling his hands through the sleeves of a black leather jacket - to look more presentable - he caught the next shuttle. He was quickly gestured over by the waiter and found himself swallowing hard. There were a lot of people there waiting for an entrance. Shepard had never felt more out of place than he did now. His glance traversed to Joker by one of the tables, thankful that he could see a familiar face, and was waved over. He returned a somewhat forced smile and waved back.

Shepard skidded over, mindful of the annoyed glances as he passed the wave of people waiting in line, and slid into a chair.

"Hey, Shepard. Not bad, huh? This sushi place is serious. Like 'French guy at the door' serious. Only had to save the galaxy twice to get a table here. You've seen the line outside?" Joker raised his glass. "But here I am, drink in hand. Best pilot in the universe _and_ a rock star."

At least someone was having a good time.

Clearing his throat, Shepard replied, "Yeah, you could say that. Hell, I could swear I had about ten pairs of eyes silently judging me."

 _Normandy's_ damages were one-hundred percent likely to worsen, so engineers were taking a look at her. She needed the repairs before they even considered touching down on Earth after seeing some surface damage. Shepard had ordered a simple beer, Joker jokingly suggesting him to try some ryncol saying that he "could handle it," an offer that he politely declined. He sure as hell wouldn't trust Joker or Garrus with drinks ever again after what happened back in 83. As it turned out, it didn't take long before it came to light that neither of them had sent a message about meeting up, feeling like they'd been set up.

A woman waved at them by the line.

"Commander Shepard!" she called, and jogged over to their table. "I'm Staff Analyst Maya Brooks. Alliance -excuse me..." Brooks abruptly snapped a salute "-Alliance Intelligence." She dropped her hand. "There are people trying to kill you."

Everything went downhill from there.

New people had specifically targeted him for some messed up reason and were hacking into his accounts, comm channels and personal records. Shepard had to admit that he wasn't too concerned about the account seeing that Joker and Garrus had nearly tapped him for credits already. He asked her what he knew but she didn't have the time to inquire before three armored men entered the restaurant.

His eyes snapped wide as they began to shoot up the roof and tipping tables over. Brooks had ducked, and taking a hold of Joker, he pulled them both behind one of the tables he himself flipped to use it as cover.

"Spread out, boys! Find me Shepard!" one of them called.

It didn't take long before they got ahold of Brooks and forced her out of cover. They had to do something fast or she would be used as some kind of hostage to get to him. He'd rather she stayed alive.

He turned to Joker. "Find the crew. I'm going after her."

"Find the crew. Got it."

Shepard briefly cast a glance out of cover to see how many people they were dealing with, as Joker headed for the exit. Three soldiers were on his far left, three before him and one moving his direction, calling out a "hey!" after he had spotted Joker. Shepard shot up from cover and threw the man over the edge before pulling out his omni-blade and finishing him off.

Joker's eyes went wide. "You used me as bait?!"

"Go!"

Fumbling to his side, his hand encountered the tepid metal of a _M-11 Suppressor,_ fishing it up and moving back into cover as the soldiers' firearms directed his way. He found Brooks and helped her up. Then he saw a laser sight target his heart. Her hand touched his chest and he was pushed back, causing him to tumble over the floor connected to the fish tank below him, Brooks taking the shot for him in the shoulder. Being in the open, he crawled backwards, trying to avoid the bullets spraying his way. It didn't prevent the bullets from shooting up the floor.

Shepard barely managed to take note of the shot-up glass beneath him before he was sent falling through.

His head spun when his back hit the final concrete that nearly knocked the air out of him. He had managed to mend the fall by grabbing a tapestry on the way, but hell, it still hurt like a son-of-a bitch. At the top of it all, if things couldn't get any worse, he was soaking wet from top to bottom. He heaved himself off the floor with a groan before his eyes angled towards the pistol that had joined him on his journey down. A muffled pain sound escaped his mouth as he cradled his ribs, the pistol tightly held by his other hand as his body felt far heavier. When he shortly after arrived at the car lot, a biotic pulse sent two soldiers over with ease.

Shepard rounded the nearest car and lowered his firearm to see a far too familiar major approach him with a cocky strut in his steps.

"Seems like you're having a bad day, Shepard..."

* * *

Kaidan had found a quiet corner by a synthetic, flickering fire in John's apartment, trying to make sense of it all.

When Anderson gave him the entrance codes for safekeeping, he forgot to mention how big the place was, a skycar needed just to get there. Huge windows dressed the walls with tapestry as the light poured through the illuminating windows and gave it a highly sophisticated look. The luxury was more than enough evidence to know that David Anderson was a wealthy man. The apartment had several sitting groups, a living room of great scale, a quaint kitchen, a big restroom and one guest room. It had a Jacuzzi and everything. The bedroom, well... he had to admit that little time was taken to actually _look_ at the interior.

John made sure of that as he basically tackled him into it with the strength of a krogan juggernaut.

"Nice to see you on the car lot. It was... pretty hot."

Kaidan smirked. "Why, thank you."

Upon hearing the regular footsteps seen by the corner of his eye, he folded his arms across his chest as he took note of the sudden warmth lurking behind him. As John pressed to his back, he leant in, the steady body behind him like a supportive wall. It was a shame that the leather fabric had dried up seeing that falling through the fish tank had given a certain moisture that nicely hugged his curves. He had to fight the urge not to stare, only to be caught red-handed by the man himself, when they first headed for the apartment together after the attack.

"What would I do without you?"

Snorting, Kaidan muttered, "You'll never find out." His gaze trailed to the unnecessary large windows. "You know, in my dreams, I have a place just like this overlooking the Pacific. I mean, hell. You own this place. I'm never leaving."

John made a low humming sound only described as approval even if it was meant as a joke.

"Hey... When this is over, we'll carve out some time," he said, turning his head to feel John's nose lightly press against his cheek. He was given a curious look, mindful of the rest of the crew that had united in the apartment. "Just the two of us."

Everyone had arrived to help finding out who John's attackers were, 'cause hell, you mess with John and you mess with them.

The last thing Kaidan ever thought he would do was chasing his lover's clone all across the Citadel. Cerberus had cloned John for spare parts and if they couldn't bring him back during the Lazarus Project. Miranda knew, although her primary focus was John and not a cheap knockoff. It turned out that Maya Brooks wasn't her real name. She worked with Cerberus in the past and knew Miranda personally, although she wasn't with them at the time, so she couldn't warn them. 'Brooks' had taken the clone from Cerberus and escaped with it so she could have it replace John.

The escape hatch to the _Normandy_ was shut, and to everyone's utter amazement, Traynor's 6,000 credits toothbrush saved them with mass effect fields to pry open the escape hatch. Neither did he imagine he would be thanking a toothbrush.

There was something about Rasa from the very beginning that unnerved him. She was taken into custody when they put a stop to the whole ordeal and the clone was dead, although he almost wished they had shot her, being unusual as shooting people was usually the last resort. He took it personal when John was targeted for obvious reasons, and she was behind it, so that was reason enough to dislike her. John labeled it as 'jealousy' with a mock tone and that made Kaidan want to punch him again.

He was thankful when they finally got their shore leave.

* * *

Shepard's fingertips skirted over one of the neatly stacked boxes in the CIC. Taking a firm hold of the box containing a couple of his model ships to feel the ragged cardboard, he latched it up into his arms, stacking another atop. He carefully tipped up another before circling around towards the elevator. A startle was introduced to his nervous systems as he barely managed to avoid a high-impact collision with Kaidan who quickly caught one of the boxes as it was about to fall to the floor.

"Need any help with that?" he asked, voice dancing with amusement. Shepard was tempted roll his eyes. The clone had brought down all his personal belongings while aboard and it was time to correct that. Shepard shoved another box into his hands.

Kaidan chuckled. "Wow, you really despise taking several trips, don't you?" he asked, throwing them under his arm.

"It's called 'saving time'," he replied, picking up two more to balance the ones that were left. He groaned dramatically when he saw Kaidan's biotics flaring up, easily levitating the boxes from his own hold and into the elevator.

Shepard let his now empty hands drop. "Show off."

Kaidan manually placed the last two he was holding on the elevator floor. "I'm not taking any chances with the glass, though. Grab, uh... _Cuddlesworth's_ cage... and I'll help you get situated up there."

The ride up was quick and painless as their worries were taken down a notch after the whole clone-situation.

Joker had suggested throwing a party in his apartment as they were still on shore leave. Judging by the fact that it might be the last time they would all be together, the war being just around the corner, he took his suggestion within a heartbeat. It would be nice to get the whole crew together before their final assault towards the Cerberus HQ where they would hopefully retrieve the Prothean VI.

His gaze immediately drifted to the illuminating blue color that lit up the otherwise dark room before flicking on the main source.

The fishes of various species traversed the tank only now to realize how much credits he probably had spent buying them. Shepard had thankfully already bought an automatic food dispenser so he no longer needed to worry about feeding them. He hadn't had the option to go check on them before now and was thankful that they were still breathing. He had a tendency to be forgetful. Anderson had, after all, given the apartment codes to Kaidan for a reason. He took note of Kaidan's silence as they packed out.

"Something's obviously bothering you." Shepard shoved the cage back onto the shelf. "What's up?"

He snorted. "That obvious, huh?"

"C'mon, K," he said, and pushed the glass further in towards the wall to make sure it didn't fall to the ground and shatter. "I know you. Doesn't take much effort to understand that something's up."

Folding his arms across his chest and leaning his hip to the table, he fixated him with the usual deadpan look, waiting. Kaidan sighed heavily as he put one of the boxes aside. With his now free hand, he ran a hand through his hair until it reached the back of his neck, averting his gaze.

"Look, back at the ramp -"

"Kaidan, I _tried_ to help him."

"Yeah, I... I know. That's not what I mean. It was one hell of a way to go, and I know he tried to kill us, but... He still had your face, you know? I just keep thinking that could've been you... that if I couldn't tell the distinction... and -Yeah."

"That clone?" he said, prying aside the wrappers on one of the boxes. "Yeah, he had my emotions. Probably had my views except from that 'lone wolf' part. What he _didn't_ have was my memories since after the Lazarus Project." Shepard fished up the _SR-2_ model ship and held it up. "Whatever happened at this ship? At Apollo's? That's our memories alone. EDI probably got a few moments recorded, too. Hell, I think you could've resisted his advances if he tried to seduce you."

He had to grin at Kaidan's half-laugh. "Unless you're into kinky shit, that is."

Kaidan grabbed the model ship from him. "One of you is more than enough, Shepard. Hell, I don't think anyone could've handled several," he said with a chuckle in his tone, putting it back in place before backing up to eye the display. "There's a lot to prepare for the party, though. Should probably head out to Silver Coast Casino and go grab some provisions. I'll join you, if you want."

 _Grocery shopping with my boyfriend,_ he thought, amused by the thought. _You're getting soft, Shep._

The party was thrown only hours later, and Shepard had learned a lot about his current squad members, many of those facts being stories to tell in the years ahead of them. He ended the night in the bed, wrapped up in Kaidan, after some well-deserved sex.

Shepard stood at the docks, arms propped to the banister, watching the _Normandy_ behind the Citadel glass.

He felt a hand trailing his arm before fingers intertwined with his. He smiled when Kaidan moved his hand up to his mouth and pressed a kiss to back of his palm. Still entwined, their hands dropped to the banister again, as the rest of the crew headed for the ship.

"Well... I guess we better get back to it," Kaidan said.

"At least we threw one hell of a party... Probably the last one."

Kaidan offered him a soft smile. "Shepard... You, ah... you will find a way to win. I know it," he said, and Shepard couldn't help the way his mouth curved slightly upwards as a thumb brushed against his knuckles. "And when you do... I'll be waiting. Yeah. Greatest challenge of my life. And the greatest reward." He gently pulled himself away from the banister. "It's been a good ride."

"The best."


	33. Ch 33: Dog Tags

**Chapter 33: Dog Tags**

* * *

 _"Are we going to make it, Kaidan?" – John Shepard_

In which our two leads trades dog tags.

* * *

Shepard calmly paced the cabin while awaiting the arrival on Cerberus HQ.

Not having bothered to change back since after the party, he swept through reports, attempting to find out if anything that had passed his desk. It felt like he was preparing to go through the Omega 4 Relay once again. Another suicide mission. This was their final step before taking Earth back from the claws of the reapers and stopping them for good. People would be lost in this fight and that included the possibility of Shepard himself.

Realizing that there was no use, he shook his head.

Those reports did nothing but make him anxious, making him constantly image everything that could go wrong. He was tempted to call Anderson again for the fifth time in only an hour to see how things were going down there. How bad it was, what they needed to take into consideration when heading for the Crucible, what they needed to prepare for and what plan he had come up with.

He needed -

With firm steps, he headed for the door, only to nearly barge into the man about to enter. He felt a small smile forming on his lips as his eyes settled at the figure before him, although it soon faltered. Kaidan was carrying the Peruvian whiskey he gave him back on Huerta Memorial as well as two glasses, giving him an almost sheepish look as his eyes fell to the report in his hand.

"Huh... Can't sleep either?"

Shepard sighed. "No."

"Making yourself crazy with this won't help."

He blinked as Kaidan casually passed him, his eyes trailing his movement with an apologetic look as he was mindful of the fact that he probably should turn him away. Take the rest of his limited time off to prepare.

"K... I need to -" he tried, taking a step forward.

"Shh..." Kaidan shushed him, swirling around to meet his gaze. "Just take five minutes. A quick drink. Then I'll go." Shepard's expression mellowed, and his lips curved into a gentle smirk, seeing the written plea on Kaidan's face. "You know you've done everything you could, right?"

Kaidan. He needed _Kaidan._

"I hope so." Shepard walked up to him, put the report aside and allowed his fingertips to intentionally brush against Kaidan's hand before he accepted the glass he held out to him. "I keep running the numbers to see if I've missed something."

"You don't have to take all this on yourself. Look to your crew. To the talented people fighting by your side..." he said. Heading for the couch, Shepard caught the neck of the bottle and propped it to the desk besides them. He felt Kaidan's eyes tracing his movements and could only imagine the slight smug smirk as he technically had been hinting he was one of those 'talented people.'

Kaidan snorted. "John... What you've accomplished from when the reapers arrived have been nothing short of amazing."

Letting his burdened body slowly sink into the couch, he was shortly joined by him. Shepard tilted his head back to ingest his own drink, the burn oddly calming as it ran down his throat. It was of far better quality than those cheap bottles he had a tendency to buy himself. He could understand why Kaidan preferred the brand over whatever else that the human-friendly cafés offered. That, and Canadian lager.

"I -it's gotta be... It's gotta be what it is," Kaidan muttered, the tightened brows faltering as he again caught his eye.

There was a genuinity in the way brown hue shone before him, taking note of the subtle smile that shortly formed, realizing that he himself was staring. Only difference now, when caught staring, Shepard didn't have to look away like he did back on the _SR-1._ He couldn't help but think how things would have been different if either of them had confessed earlier. If that was the case, they would've done more than just share a couple stories and demonstrate some biotics before Ilos.

He watched as Kaidan brought the glass to his mouth, a steady glance never breaking eye contact as he suggestively flicked his tongue and drowned the whiskey. It made his head spin. Aware of what it did to Shepard's body, Kaidan's look went gradually mischievous as he put the glass aside.

He knew _that_ look.

Shepard's own drink joined his on the table.

"So tell me..." Shepard muttered, edging closer. "How is this distraction going to help us win the war?"

"I'm not a distraction. I'm here to help you relax," he replied, feigning hurt. Kaidan's expression was of attempted innocence, but his eyes darkened, and Shepard's breath got stuck in his throat. "Relaxing will help you focus."

Unable to hold the smirk back, Shepard arched an unconvinced brow as his chin was captured.

Slanting his head, Kaidan leant in to capture his mouth in a soft kiss. Quickened, erratic heartbeats pulsed, fingertips brushing against the nape of his neck that sent shivers down his body. He felt the grin forming at Kaidan's lips as they pressed against his, ducking his head, their foreheads connecting. Kaidan softly snorted, eyes angling upwards to meet his as he tilted his chin.

"I lied... I -I didn't come here for a quick drink," he added, thumb brushing against Shepard's lips.

Smile widening, he pressed a kiss to Kaidan's thumb before closing the distance. The tip of their noses brushed, and when Kaidan parted from his chin, he splayed a hand on his chest. He watched as Kaidan closed his eyes, only to open again as he shoved him down until his back encountered the couch beneath. Shepard found a spot on his lap and hooked an arm around his neck before he lowered his mouth to his. He felt Kaidan's hands going to the backside of his thighs, their forehead soon touching again.

Shepard exhaled. "Hell, you're exactly what I need right now. Kaidan..." he whispered, continuing their activity.

Feeling a smile against his lips, he was scooped up into the air as the man below him pulled up. There was a brief panic when he no longer felt his boots without solid ground beneath, until he was lowered to it again. Soft, gentle lips moved to his neck as just as gentle hands slipped under the edge of his shirt - up towards his ribs - turning his every roaring nerve into heated pulsing. The beats below the cloth, both above and below, quickened erratically. The situation escalated, but slowly, both taking their time.

Kaidan's every movement was slow and patient as he gently tugged his leather jacket off.

Settling his arm back around Kaidan's shoulder when the cloth was off, he was pulled closer, arms closing around his waist and under his shirt in a way that resembled a hug rather than a kiss. He realized that this might be their last time, and taking that into consideration, Kaidan - just as Shepard - seemed to refuse rushing as his every concern in this moment appeared to be a token of showing affection only. To explain, without words, how much one part mean to the other. Lust wasn't a factor tonight. Just love.

So he willingly went along with his gentle touches, kisses and words softly spoken as he assisted in parting him from his clothes.

When they were both stripped down to briefs, he pressed lips against Kaidan's collarbone, a soft hum catching his ear as he felt the muscles underneath his hold - fingertips trailing down the curve of his scapula - locking up. He moved his mouth down, playfully biting into his dog tags as he settled his palms on Kaidan's hips, a stunning smile before him as he backed towards the bed. Releasing the metal from his teeth, he tilted his head up, lips colliding again. A hand traversed up his arm, to the nape of his neck, guiding him in deeper. Kaidan made a sound when Shepard moved a hand down, grabbing his ass, pulling him closer until there was no room for air.

Seeming somewhat displeased, the hand on his neck trailed across his shoulder and down to his shoulder blade.

Shepard arched a curious brow, glance traversing to the hand, only to grin as he ended up back-down in the bed with a soft creak. Spreading his knees further, he saw Kaidan's breathtakingly beautiful figure standing before him, between his legs - whiskey-brown eyes falling down to his lower regions with a sexy as hell twist of his hip - smirking mischievously before their gazes collided.

He knew that Kaidan could dance, having seen it firsthand, the graceful movements even now being more than evidence enough.

Kaidan threw himself into the bed, hovering over him, palms to the fabric beneath in the height of his shoulders. Above, he was smiled softly at as he grabbed his hip and tipped him over. Shepard brought his mouth to the area between his pecs and pressed lips to the heated skin below, feeling Kaidan's hand back to the nape of his neck as his head thrown back in reaction. He released a moan loud enough for his blood to start pulsing. Pressing several kisses to the flushed skin and up to his throat, he crawled over him, before Kaidan tipped him back around.

The playful grin on Kaidan's lips turned affectionate when Shepard pressed up to meet his lips again.

He made an approving murmur as a warm tongue came between his lips, his head held in place, his own hand cupping his shoulder in a one-arm hug. Empowering his already unwavering need of his touch, Kaidan grinded up against him that in return deepened the kiss, Shepard moaning into his mouth. He shivered as fingertips brushed down his waist and to the edge of his briefs.

* * *

Sensing movement shifting besides him, Kaidan turned to see John sitting on the bedside, back hunched with a ducked head and hands intertwined into fists resting in his lap. Concern replaced his calm features as he guided a hand across his face and blinked the sleep away.

Kaidan sucked in a breath. "What's up?"

He propped his forearm to the cloth beneath and slowly pulled himself up, noting the tension in John's neck, who didn't turn to face him. John unclasped his hands before straightening his back.

"Are we going to make it, Kaidan?" he asked, his voice soft and uncertain.

Sighing, he scooched in. "We're ready," he said, touching his lower back. Kaidan trailed two fingers up and drew light circles, feeling tense muscles absorbing his caress. John shivered as his eyes closed before he, over his shoulder, caught his eye. "You've put the people together... the vision... and what you've done, Shepard... is build hope."

"I'm glad I inspired that in you," he muttered, although the smile that had appeared gradually faltered. "But sometimes..." John reached for his cheek, Kaidan offering a smile in return, leaning into the touch. "You're right. Give us hope and a fighting chance..." Kaidan followed the hand as it moved down to his chest, and as flutters went through his body, his lids nearly shut just to savor the warmth of his touch. Eventually, he sought those gorgeous blue eyes belonging to the man he loved.

John's amazing smile returned. "Hell... the reapers better watch themselves."

He felt this chin grasped and gently tilted up, and John leant in. A peck was placed on his mouth, a captivated smile forming on his lips as John pulled away, the lingering taste of his lips yet apparent. John leant forward again with a certain longing hunger, placing another kiss upon his mouth, and then another. His eyes opened only when he put his forehead to his. Before him he saw a stern look, jaw locking tight as he swallowed hard, the area around his eyes drawing tight.

Kaidan touched his arm and gingerly rubbed his bicep.

"Hey... you okay?"

He received a nod in reply. "Eventually," he replied, the press of his forehead slightly harder. "But I need you to do me a favor, K."

 _Anything._

As he pushed back, Kaidan followed his movement with his eyes, gaze darting down as John touched the rim of his dog tags. He pulled it off over his head. Curious, he watched him studying the thin metal before unclasping one tag, leaving the other leashed.

"Keep this safe for me." John held it out towards him.

 _What?_

Replaced by concern, the surprised lines on Kaidan's forehead ceased to exist, realizing what he was doing. John was giving him the part of his dog tags where his initials were written down. His throat went dry.

No.

"John -"

 _Don't._

"Just in case," he replied, a written plea in his features.

 _Bastard..._

Eyes bore into his with such determination, but seeing the pain in his blue hue, Kaidan clenched his jaw. He let him. John touched his hand, dog tags clasped between their palms, intertwining their fingers with each other. Moving his palm up to his mouth, soft lips pressed against his knuckles, eyes tightly shut as he did. When John let go of his hand, Kaidan's fingers closed around the tags, palm opening again to look at them. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and moved a thumb against the inscriptions.

 _CDR. SHEPARD, JOHN. 5923-AC-2826. A POSITIVE. NO PREFERENCE. SPECTRE STATUS. SYSTEMS ALLIANCE._

Looking at the tepid metal was if he was back at the Citadel overlooking the Presidium with Liara. She had presented him John's dog tags after he had been informed about Horizon being the collector's next target. He had held them in his hand just like he did now. It was her way of apologizing for not telling him earlier. Kaidan wasn't angry with Liara at that time and that's probably because of those tags. Seeing them again soothed him in some way. She told him to do whatever he wanted with them as she handed them over. Kaidan returned them to her, but he had appreciated her gesture.

He unclasped his own. "Here. Let me trade you," he muttered, and held them out. John latched them on. Kaidan did the same before wrapping arms around his waist, pulling him in. "John, promise me something. Whatever you do... don't leave me behind."

"There's no one I'd rather bring, K. You know that," he replied, leaning in for maximized contact. "After throwing you all that crap about not having you there when we hit the collector base, I'm not going to push you away for the final assault. Hell, I need someone to prevent me from rushing the first damn reaper with a shotgun, as Garrus would just lend me another clip with a 'good luck'."

Kaidan snorted. "I love you," he muttered fondly, resting his chin lightly at his shoulder. "You're kind of an ass, but I still love you."

He was given another tender peck, his eyes following John's movements as he rose up from the bed with a small grin on his amazing lips, giving him a wondrous display of the fantastic man that he could finally call his own.

 _I'm the luckiest man alive._

* * *

Touching down where the supposed Cerberus HQ would be, he felt it, knowing that they were only a few steps away before they would retake Earth. They had every possible war asset, and knowing that, it felt like they had a slight chance against the reapers. He had to admit that he had been lying to John back at the ship when he was asked what he thought their chances were. Honestly, he was worried. He didn't know what to feel.

EDI approached a locked door. "We will be through momentarily," she said, beginning to decrypt it and looked at a console. "Shepard, that console has not been fully scrubbed. It contains data you may find interesting."

"What am looking at?"

"Project Lazarus," she said, peeking up from her omni-tool. "Your reconstruction."

Kaidan motioned his head John's way with a silent question of 'where do you want me,' only to be gestured over, realizing that he wanted him to see it. Walking up behind him, he saw John open the first entry. A Cerberus scientist approached a full-scale hologram of a man who had to be the Illusive Man. A cigarette rested between two of his fingers.

 _"It can't be done. It's not a matter of resources,"_ the scientist said.

 _"It's always a matter of resources. We're not losing Shepard."_

The scientist hesitated. _"Sir, Shepard is clinically brain-dead,"_ he replied, and Kaidan felt his heart in his throat. _"After that much trauma, that long with no oxygen... We cannot overcome nature."_

 _"Operative Lawson disagrees. She is now in charge of Project Lazarus."_

The feed shut off.

"I didn't know it was that bad," John muttered.

"I just thought you were on life support." Kaidan took a step towards him, the guilt once again returning. "Clinically brain-dead..."

"Looks like."

"What was it like?" Kaidan immediately regretted his choice of words. You didn't just ask someone what it was like to be dead. It was wrong. "I mean, if you remember... or... how do you feel?"

"I'm still me," he nearly snapped, catching his eye. "I doubt I'd have been able to turn against Cerberus otherwise. I don't remember anything. Maybe they really just fixed me... or maybe I'm just a high-tech VI that _thinks_ it's Commander Shepard." He ducked a heavy head with a shrug "...but I don't know, I -"

Smiling, Kaidan said, "You're real enough for me."

They headed further inside and approached the central region of Cerberus' headquarters. The floor was of a shiny material almost comparable to glass as it reflected the huge planet that the front-view mirror displayed. There was a single chair before a holographic screen. John looked down on his feet to see a black circle in the center that he was standing on. It resembled some kind of hologram interface. He probably spoke to TIM through it. John placed himself by the screen, beginning to look after the Prothean VI, while Kaidan approached the glass window.

EDI soon found the VI - after a debrief with TIM via hologram - giving them the answers that they were seeking.

 _"The Catalyst enhances dark energy transmissions and coordinates the entire mass relay network,"_ the Prothean VI said, hands clasped behind its back. _"In your cycle, it is known as the Citadel."_

"What?" The shock in John's voice was clear.

The Citadel and the Crucible together could stop the reapers. It was as ready as it could be. They needed to get it to the Citadel. However, Illusive Man had informed the reapers of the Crucible, and moved the whole Citadel to the Sol system.

Earth.

* * *

Cerberus was finally out of the picture when Shepard stepped up into the comm-room. Kai Leng didn't go down without the fight, as he had once again tried to stop them, but he was finally dead. During the debriefing, Anderson asked if they knew why the Citadel was down there in London and what was going on. He had seen it there, so Shepard explained to the best of his abilities. They both knew the situation was dire seeing that Illusive Man had made the reapers aware that they knew. The Crucible was moved to Earth by the reapers so that the sentient machines could protect it.

 _"What does this mean for the Crucible?"_

Shepard circled his shoulder. "I'll talk to Hackett about that, but... it looks like our plan is even more desperate now."

 _"Agreed,"_ Anderson said, nodding. _"I've got a team in London. The reapers have been preparing something here. Now we know what for. We'll scout it out. Try to find out as much as we can."_

"Roger that."

 _"Well... at least we'll be seeing you sooner rather than later."_

"Be careful, sir."

 _"You too, Shepard. Anderson out."_

He walked his round to check up on the crew. Hackett himself later sent a priority message that requested coming aboard. It didn't take long before the Admiral stepped through the airlock, two soldiers by his side, the crew standing tall as they all snapped a salute. In position.

Shepard met him by the galaxy map and escalated his own hand to his forehead.

"Admiral."

Hackett returned the salute. "Are you ready to bring the might of the galaxy to bear on the reapers?"

"Yes, sir." Shepard dropped his hand, and they shared a handshake.

"Then let's make sure the fleets are ready," he replied, stepping up before the galaxy map and clasped steady hands behind his back with a straightened posture. "Never before have so many come together - from all quarters of the galaxy. But never before have we faced an enemy such as this. The reapers will show us no mercy. We must give them no quarter. They will terrorize our populations. We must stand fast in the face of that terror. They will advance until our last city falls... but we will not fall. We will prevail. Each of us will be defined by our actions in the coming battle."

Hackett gave them a look. "Stand fast. Stand strong. Stand together. Hackett out."


	34. Ch 34: Left Behind

**Chapter 34: Left Behind**

* * *

" _Don't get me wrong... I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again." - Kaidan Alenko_

In which Kaidan is left behind...

* * *

 **A/N:** On ArchiveOfOurOwn, "Patience" now has amazingly enough over 300 kudos! I have however split this story into 3 parts on AO3, so part 1 is the events of ME1, part 2 is the events of ME2/ME3, and part 3 is Post-War. This chapter _(Chapter 34: Left Behind)_ is the end of part 2.

This explains why it will take some time before I get chapter 35 out on this site. I hope you'll bear with me :)

* * *

Kaidan couldn't believe his own eyes when he saw Earth in its full glory, on display before them, nearly unrecognizable in its state. Debris lay everywhere and fires burned down several already worn buildings. He was thankful that John had decided to bring him along for the final push towards the beam. There was nowhere he would rather be than on the front line, watching John's six, as they charged one last time.

"How are you holding up, son?"

"Alive and kicking, sir -Anderson," he replied, quickly correcting himself after he took note of the knowing smile. "It's... it's one hell of a thing. A lot to ingest, you know? Hell, I still don't know how he does it."

Anderson fell into a pause. "Did I ever tell you how I met the commander?"

"No, sir."

"15 years ago, a civilian reported a shootout in one of the slums on Earth. This was nothing new, of course," Anderson began, Kaidan listening with his whole body. "Thing is, little evidence was at the crime scene, so we were fumbling in the dark until we got an anonymous phone call. It wasn't much to go on, and one shouldn't believe everything they hear, but it was the best we got at the time.

"We were tipped off about a 17-year-old kid that went by the name of 'Shepard'," he added, and Kaidan's lips tugged upwards. "Blue eyes, 6 feet tall, dark hair a couple inches in length with far too much gel, dressing like a damn leather-clad jackass."

Kaidan snorted and ducked his head. He found it difficult to imagine John in anything but a buzz cut. The image of a typical bad-boy that had young, innocent girls falling head-over-heels for him was way easier to picture.

"I found the kid in a coffee shop a few miles away from HQ. Get this, he truly _was_ a jackass, swearing like a pile driver," Anderson said, and then lowered his voice. "However, I could tell he was scared. Broken. Those eyes of his does already give him a startled look, so imagine that seeing a kid with that very demeanor, only empowering the sensation. I wasn't going to take a scared kid into a police hearing. Despise his unwillingness to cooperate at first, understanding of his distrust, I decided that I just wanted to talk to him. Get his side of the story. Earlier, I had been informed that one of our officers were pulled aside by a kid, evoking several questions. That very officer had shortly after been assassinated by Shepard's most recent gang - the Tenth Street Reds - for knowing the truth. I'm sure you know the story."

Kaidan nodded. "About the kid, yeah. Aaron."

"To answer your implied question, Shepard's been through a lot at a young age and has learned to cope with difficult matters such as this. Nevertheless, there's still a person underneath that stoic image. I can tell he's scared, even now. He's been through a lot, without a doubt... but you should know that the very officer that Aaron pulled aside went by the name of Ace Hunt." His eyes went wide. "Judging by your reaction, you know who that is, too.

Anderson's eyes were far away. "The matter was of a more complicated nature than a simple standoff where Hunt was 'conveniently' assigned to the very same squad that Shepard's next contract was in. Jericho, his boss, had personally set Shepard up. He wanted to teach him a lesson after he had refused an order."

Carefully, he asked, "Does Shepard know this?"

"Admiral Hackett and I are the only ones that do," Anderson muttered, his body language drained. Tired. "I plan to tell him after all this is over - but right now, I need him focused." He fell into another pause. "I also figured that you'd might want to tell him yourself."

"Why now?" There was a strain in his voice.

"I don't take pleasure in putting such a thing on you, Major. Just know that there's a reason for all this," he replied, shaking his head. "I wish I could tell you the whole story - as I wish I could've told Shepard for all these years - but I'm afraid it's classified. When this is over, you'll see. For now, let's focus on winning this war."

Kaidan had a lot of questions, but he knew he was right, so he let it rest for now.

"Aye, aye, sir."

He was given a nod. "Good luck out there," he replied, before a small smile revealed itself. "Looks like someone's coming to see you." Kaidan cast his head in the same direction to see John exchanging a few last words with Coats. "It's good to see him smiling again. He's lucky to have you, major - I know you'll take good care of him for me." Feeling a pressure on his shoulder, it was gently squeezed. "I'll see you boys later."

Anderson walked away.

Kaidan found himself wincing as a loud stuttering sound was heard transmitting by his ear, bringing two fingers to the earpiece, about to ask for an update. Hearing a gunshot at the other end, an immediate panic befell him, knowing some of his students had taken point. One of them had tried to get in contact with him. However, he couldn't contain the subtle grin when hearing that the student on the other end had accidentally hit the transmitter when barging into a krogan soldier, forgotten to turn on the safety that resulted in a bullet hole in the ground.

 _Kids._

"Hey, Kaidan."

With a startled look, he released the transmitter and swirled to the man speaking to him. The lines in his forehead faded when he saw John smiling weakly at him, with feigned cheerfulness and hope. His own gut obtained a penetrating twinge at the unsubtlety.

He managed a subtle smile of his own. "Hey... there you are."

Still holding onto that small sliver of hope that he had held onto for so long, that hope slowly vanishing, its last remains were close to fading away as well. They had a few pushes to take before heading for the beam and John only promised to bring him along for the final.

"You ready?"

Kaidan inhaled. "Absolutely," he said, attempting his voice to sound lighter. "For anything. Bring it on."

"And Biotic's Division - your students?"

Somewhat strangled, he snorted. "More than ready. Eager. That's youth for you," he said, his forced enthusiasm in vain. The strained cheerfulness in his tone had to have been obvious. "Guess we're old soldier, eh Shepard?"

"Yeah... I guess we are."

"Brothers in arms. We know the score..." The weak smile that he had somehow managed slowly faltered, the pit in his abdomen growing deeper as he clenched his jaw. He held him with an unwavering gaze.

Kaidan was unable to lie anymore. "We know this is goodbye," he muttered.

He knew that his voice, strangled and strained, was breaking alongside him. It took his every nerve to resist pulling him in, embrace him, say everything he wanted to say. Two options for the future - to settle down or spend the rest of his life in mourning - the latter seeming far more plausible than the former. He had known throughout all of this that the plan was to make sure that John got to the beam, into the destruction, only to push those thoughts away because he couldn't accept the inevitable truth that awaited them. The already deep pit in his abdomen had swallowed him whole in the moment he saw that feigned smile.

Kaidan was ready to die.

...but he wasn't ready to lose _him._

John stepped forward. "When this is over... I'm going to be waiting for you," he said, short but stern, his voice unfamiliar, nearly brittle. Pinned with an incredibly blue gaze, the words were just as strangled. "You better show up."

"Don't get me wrong..." he breathed, sucking in a breath - the hope for it to calm his nerves in vain - as he met him halfway. "I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again. But, look. There's... things I want to say. When looking back, I -I have a few regrets, but not many. That's pretty damn amazing, right?" Kaidan looked away, eyeing the tired, worn streets obliterated by reaper forces. "Messed up kid that I was. Never would've dreamed of the life I've had. And I owe a lot of that to you, you know."

From the corner of his eye, he saw the longing in John's.

"It's been quite a ride."

"It sure has," he muttered, before turning to face him fully. Kaidan saw the dark circles around his eyes, the deep lines in his forehead, the same permanent frown by his brows. "But how are you doing? Scared?"

Silence.

"Damn straight I'm scared." His voice was nearly a whisper, attention yet on the weary, broken streets. The words seemed easier from him to say this time. "But that fear's going to keep me alive long enough to strike these bastards right through the heart."

Kaidan smiled weakly. "Yeah. Exactly."

"So..." He fell into a long pause, averting his eyes as he slowly nodded. Kaidan could tell that he had a lot on his heart, and yet, he knew that he wasn't going to lay those concerns on him. "Take care, major."

With a fixated look forward, he clenched his jaw as John began to move past him. Unable to leave it at that, Kaidan reached out to his side and stopped him in his tracks.

 _Not yet._

Seeing the hint of surprise on his face when he turned, Kaidan exposed a gloved hand to his cheek and pulled him in.

 _Please don't go yet._

Their lips locked into a painfully passionate kiss. Full of want. Longing. Need. Fear of it being their last embrace. Fear of not being able to return to him after the war was over. Fear of losing him. John pushed up harder against him, and as he had known for such a long time, he knew he never wanted to let go. Moving his hand to the nape of his neck, fingertips feeling the short crop of his buzz-cut underneath, he made sure there was no room for air between them. He took his hand in his own, guiding it to his own waist, before trailing his forearm. Feeling the opening, he was allowed entrance, and pressed his tongue between parted lips. If only he could one day forget about this war. Go back to his life. Embrace him again... then all of this would be worth it. There was a price to pay, but if John was that price, Kaidan wasn't willing to pay it.

Reluctantly, he broke the kiss, mentally forcing himself to let go.

"Stay safe," Kaidan whispered, before inhaling deeply. "Well..." Not trusting his own voice, he cleared his throat. Taking a step back, his hand clenched into a fist, averting his eyes. He couldn't hold the gaze any longer. Couldn't stand seeing him walk away.

Kaidan swallowed hard. "I should go find the rest of my squad," he finished, eyes falling to the concrete beneath.

"Yeah..."

Then the footsteps retracted.

 _I've never been to London._

* * *

"Commander," Anderson said, before being given a, 'Admiral' in return when Shepard approached. Anderson moved a hand across the holographic interface of their battleground, planning the attack. "Just going over the ship."

Shepard bit into his lower lip. "How's it look?"

"Barely 50 percent of Hammer has reported in," he replied with a deep frown, showing him the interface. Six markers revealed their placement and destinations. "It's bad."

"Can we count on more making it?" he asked, resting his elbow on his forearm.

Anderson tilted his head in the direction of Major Coats, looking over the statistics on a data pad for confirmation, as he was given a look. His attention drifted back to Shepard with the update memorized. There were yet some stragglers but the bulk of Hammer had arrived.

They had to fight their way to the beam.

"They know we're coming," Anderson said. "This will be a one-way trip for many of us. But there can be no retreat, no stepping back. We move forward, at all costs. Understood?"

Shepard snapped a salute. "Hooyah. Yes, sir!"

"Johnson, Coats," he said, eyes drifting to the marines who snapped a salute. "You two will co-ordinate the artillery units." Anderson caught his eye. "Shepard. I'm sending you right up the gut where the resistance is heaviest. Support the tanks the best you can, but stay alive. I need you for the final push to the beam. I'll give you a minute with your squad. Pick your team well."

He was given a comforting pat on the back before Anderson went to work.

Shepard moved up behind the war-table, the _Normandy_ crew collecting themselves around him, awaiting his command. His head was bowed and heavy as hands were palm-down to its surface. This was it. The final push. His final chance as boosting their morale.

He eyed them all before he spoke.

"This war's brought us pain and suffering and loss," he began, calmly pacing. "But it's also brought us together - as soldiers, allies, friends." He sought out every eye in the vicinity, holding Kaidan's gaze for a moment longer, offering a soft smile that was returned fondly. "This bond that ties us together is something the reapers will never understand. It's more powerful than any weapon, stronger than any ship. It can't be taken or destroyed. The next few hours will decide the fate of everyone in the galaxy. Every mother. Every son. Every unborn child.

"They're trusting you... depending on you to win them their future. A future free from the threat of the reapers," he added, sneering. "But take heart. Look around you. You're not in this fight alone. We face our enemy together, and together we _will_ defeat them."

He chose his team.

Insisting on coming with, Garrus stepped forward, Shepard never forgetting the way Tali was shouting at him for leaving her back on the ship. He had himself never planned on bringing Garrus along, Tali being that very reason, but Garrus wouldn't budge. Shepard was the head-on assaulter who needed a biotic and a sniper for their best chance at success. Garrus was their best shot, and he knew it, so he volunteered within a heartbeat.

He told Tali to go to Rannoch and find herself a home, met by the tear-stained brittle voice of, "I have a home" before she begged him to come back to her. The rest of the mission, he had an unmoving lump in his throat, contemplating if he should just leave Garrus with her.

He also knew that if he did, this war would be lost already, so he said nothing.

* * *

Kaidan, along with the ground team as well as Anderson and Coats, just arrived to see the Citadel in its full glory as its beam pulsed before them after their shuttle had been shot out of the sky. They quickly began heading for the beam only to stop and see the no-man's-land that they had to run through to get to their destination. It had to be at least a couple hundred feet to the damn thing, and the place was a battle ground, leaving them in the very open. There was no cover. Just a straight shot for the beam.

Then everything happened way too damn quickly.

Makos were tipped over, red beams emitting from Harbinger itself, having found its place right by the Citadel that they so desperately had to get to. Kaidan was breathing heavily, blood stains dripping from his nose, his head ringing. A vehicle had headed John's way so he had used all his strength to develop a mass effect field, enough to throw it aside, him nearly collapsing as his implant had flared up like thousand suns. John's gaze had fallen to his wounds, his stoic expression breaking, the fear hidden beneath as he surveyed the area for the _Normandy._ John had thrown his arm around his shoulder and taken cover behind the tipped vehicle, Kaidan insisting that he could fight, only to see him touching his earpiece to call in an evac as he without a second thought broke the rule of not compromising the mission.

He knew.

Kaidan groaned at the shrapnel that had gotten into his leg, thanks to an exploding vehicle, the pain unbearable as he sat with his back up against it. The _Normandy_ had quickly touched down, and as John again threw his arm around his shoulder, he was dragged along.

"Here... take him," John said.

 _You bastard!_

It was everything he wants to say, to shout at the top of his lungs, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Limping, he was handed over to Garrus who latched his arm around his shoulder, holding him up as he stood at the ship's ramp.

He couldn't do this again. Couldn't let those two years of mourning repeat themselves. He couldn't just be hauled to safety again while the other awaited such a permanent fate. He nearly lost him when Sovereign attacked the Citadel. He lost him for two years after the collectors surfaced. Now he was about to lose him again.

"John!" he croaked out.

His heart went to his throat when he saw John taking a step back towards the Crucible, the determined fire of finishing this war burning in his eyes, evoking every emotion known to him.

"You've got to get out of here."

"Yeah..." Attempting to pry himself out of Garrus' grip, he was quickly reeled back in. The little strength he had left had no chance of success breaking free but he tried anyway. "That's _not_ going to happen."

"Don't argue with me, Kaidan!"

Again, he tried to pry himself out of Garrus' unwavering hold, only to put unnecessary weight on his leg - nearly having him cry out in agonizing pain - gritting his teeth in a wince when his body is forced down, Garrus with a grunt taking a firmer hold of him as talons bore into his side, preventing him from simply collapsing onto the ground. He had to get a better foothold to be able to draw him back. Kaidan knew that he wasn't going to release him and he knew that demands wouldn't get him anywhere. As John's blue irises bore into his like an arrow - the tense posture with a frown by his brows and a scowl on his face - he knew that he wasn't going to listen to any of his restless cries.

He was too tired to shout.

So he pleaded.

"Don't... don't leave me behind..."

 _Don't leave me..._

His voice had withered into a weak, pitiful mutter as he begged him not to go, begged him not to give his life.

 _You promised..._

Warm blood pulsed in his veins as a migraine was surfacing. Clenching a fist, he forced back the blank substance clouding his vision, attempting to swallow down the unmoving lump in his throat.

 _Please don't do this to me, John... please don't... I can't..._

He struggled to keep his eyes open, weary lids threatening them shut, his every nerve telling him to just give up. Give in. But he resisted.

 _I can't lose you again..._

"Kaidan, there's no time!" he called, a determined expression shrouding his face as he held up a hand as if to keep him back. "You're in no condition to keep fighting. Get to the damn med-bay!"

He swallowed hard. "No, I'm with you to the end..."

After another obliterating sound channels through the battlefield as Harbinger brought a beam to another vehicle. Kaidan had to shield his eyes by looking away not to be blinded by the explosion. He watched with a heavy heart when John took a step forward, feeling a gloved hand capturing his cheek, eyes never breaking contact.

"K, listen to me... No matter what happens," he muttered, his voice strained, brittle, blue hue looking him straight into his brown "...know that I love you." A thumb caressed the area below his eye. "Always."

Allowing his hand to wander up his forearm, fingers latched around his wrist, a pitiful hitch in his breath.

"John, I..." he tried, a soft smile touching his lips. "I love you, too." The pained smile he gained in return was too much to bear, as if accepting his fate, Kaidan tracing his arm as he pulled away while wanting nothing more but to pull him back.

Everything he managed to say was, "Be careful."

He noticed the twitch in Garrus' mandibles, his jaw tightly set, witnessing the interaction between the two. Opening his mouth so say something, John was only to be interrupted as his eyes fell to the Citadel - his own glance tracing his - noticing Harbinger with another vaporizing beam.

There was a hitch in Garrus' breath when he earned their CO's gaze.

"Keep him safe, Garrus. That's a damn order." Overwhelmed with emotion - John finally having said all those words to him - Kaidan couldn't think straight. The beats beneath his chest were hard, erratic and unforgiving, as he regained his restless gaze.

"Go!" John called, waving away Kaidan's hand that was still reaching after him.

Having to use all his remaining strength to force back the welling tears, he in a desperate final attempt tried to free himself, only to be once again reined back in with far more force. John turned, and as Kaidan took his arm back, Garrus used all his own strength to pull him into the ship. In the very moment the ramp separated them, he nearly fell to the closed entrance, convinced that he was never going to see him again.

The last thing he saw was the love of his life moving towards the pulsing beam after he had said his goodbye.

John Shepard left him behind.

* * *

Shepard realized how much he was hurting. His hand was cradling the wound above his waist, and with weary movements, he moved it away - eyes focusing on the thick, dark red blood all over it, a twitch in muscles - feeling the pain all over his body. His eyes drooped, unable to hold them open for long. The console was right there but he knew he was about to pass out from blood loss. He could feel it.

 _Dammit... not now... not when I'm so close._

He had made it to the beam, never forgetting the entirely broken expression on Kaidan's face as he left him back on the _Normandy,_ wrenching his gut in unnatural ways. It was an image that had bore into his brain, never to leave, never to let him rest. Anderson was there, peaceful beside him, but unbreathing. Fallen to a gunshot by Shepard's own indoctrinated hand. Tears had welled his eyes as he saw that he had taken his final breath. Shaking him. Pleading. Unable to accept that the person that saved his life was gone.

It was his fault. All of it.

...and yet, Anderson said he was proud of him.

Throughout all of this, he was ready to die, not having anyone waiting for him.

Until now.

 _/"Don't leave me behind... I love you, too... Be careful..."/_

Anderson spoke of the future. How he wished for children but never had the chance. He then asked him about the same thing. Shepard took it to consideration, and when he before him saw a peaceful life in Vancouver - overlooking the Pacific with a few beers, laughing as no worries faced him, waking up next to the love of his life with voice dazed in sleep and fuzzy hair, perhaps even a pair of tiny and eager footsteps running to greet him after returning from work - he choked up.

It simply wasn't meant to be.

 _"*Shepard,"_ came Hackett's voice, interrupted with a fit of static. _"Commander!"_

With weary eyes, Shepard broke from his thoughts, his attention snapping up towards the console. His eyes fluttered, swallowing down the thick, red substance that had built up in his throat.

"I -What do you need me to do?"

 _"Nothing's happening. The Crucible's not firing. It's got to be something on your end."_

Attempting to pull himself up, proving difficult as he let out a muffled groan, he was barely able to drag his body. He moved towards the static, right by the very console that most likely would mean the end of the reapers, his vision blurred by his own blood.

 _"Commander Shepard!"_ Hackett repeated, having received no reply.

He forced himself forward. "I don't see -I'm not sure how to..." he tried, reaching after the console before him. The effort made him cry out in pain, stretching the wound below his chest, forcing him onto his knees again as he grasped his abdomen. He found his body unable to resist the pain and blood loss, heavy arms giving in.

His body dropped to the floor in a thud - hitting the concrete - hearing the distant echo of Hackett's distressed voice.

 _"Commander!"_

He saw his life flash before his eyes, but he saw no light at the end of a long tunnel, just dark. Dark shadows were cast over his mind, wrapping him up in the eternal abyss, granting him his silence. He saw the streets and the Alliance. He saw Saren putting a bullet in his head. He saw the collector base blowing up. He saw everyone that had been lost in this war. He saw everyone waiting for him.

He saw Kaidan.

 _Looks like I'm breaking my promise._

* * *

 **A/N:** If you want a bittersweet ending (and mostly canon seeing that the rest of this fic will be my own interpretation of what happened after ME3,) here's your stop. Otherwise, stick around for a far much happier end! You should know that I've made my canon ending a collaboration between "JohnP's Alternate MEHEM" and the famous IT - Indoctrination Theory. EDI dies, but she will be back - in Hackett's own words: "It will take time, but we can rebuild everything that was destroyed."

As you may have noticed, I didn't mention the Catalyst, and made the ending quite brief. There's a reason for this. I'll explain everything later in this fic :)


	35. Ch 35: Hope

**Chapter 35: Hope**

* * *

" _Can I see him?" - Kaidan Alenko_

In which Kaidan awaits Shepard's recovery.

* * *

Kaidan despised hospitals with a burning passion, and recently, he found himself despising them even more.

The flames weren't even close to dying out as the flickering heat enveloped the empty streets. He could still see the smoke, the destruction. He could still hear the screams, the emitting lasers and gunfire. He once wanted little more than to touch down back on Earth, retake their homeworld from the reapers' claws, throw them back into whatever black hull they crawled out of. Dark space. A place so empty that no sound could pour through, just like that huge galaxy of theirs. Instead, he had been disgustingly safe in the confinements of the med-bay. He felt like he was still fighting, only then, he was fighting to keep his eyes open.

After he had his wounds examined, after he had been stabilized and pestered about getting sleep, after he had gotten removed the shrapnel in his leg at the size of a two-inch needle - surrounded by splinters - Chakwas had left him to his thoughts better left silenced. There was too much time to think. Too many black boxes. Too many variables. Too many uncertainties. He had allowed himself to rest, or more appropriately, accept that he wasn't able to stay awake after several restless minutes after they got back from London. The crew had given him sideways glances but they knew when to stay quiet.

Kaidan had already passed out by the time the _Normandy_ hit a pulse and dived straight for an uncharted planet. Tropical leaves, untouched by the war, making his stomach twist in unnatural ways. Just like the Citadel back then. Untouched and naïve. The engineers were close to finishing the repairs after five days of eternal struggle. He had been forced to take command as he was the highest ranking officer aboard.

When he was first called 'commander,' another migraine begun surfacing.

The broken relays lay under repairs, just as the _SR-2,_ so no one had been able to touch down on their homeworlds for several days. The communications had been down, and hell, that didn't ease any of his lingering concerns.

EDI was gone.

Liara had debriefed him after he got back up on his feet. Joker refused to speak more than two words to any of them but there was no direct hostility in his tone. In the past, Kaidan wouldn't think twice about putting a bullet in the ship's AI - wearing the body of a synthetic woman that nearly killed him - but EDI had become so much more. She was one of the crew. A friend. A comrade. They all grieved.

The crew had collected themselves by the memorial wall and put her plaque up before even beginning the repairs. But when Kaidan afterwards stood before it, another plaque in hand with a different name, he simply _couldn't_ put it up.

Kaidan had found himself unconsciously reaching for the dog tags around his neck before Steve approached him that day. After the last night he and John shared together -before Cerberus HQ - they had exchanged dog tags in case one of them didn't make it out. A way to remember one another. Honor one another.

Steve had asked him if he was okay.

He imagined his heart being in his throat when he felt the solid, ragged soil beneath his Alliance boots, down in London. The thought of losing him again made his stomach sick. Now, he was buried somewhere in the rubble, and that was only if he was lucky. He remember the horrid sight of soldiers evaporating in the no-man's-land in their push towards the beam. One by one. Soldier by soldier. Life by life.

With that in mind, he knew he wasn't okay, but he was still functional.

That was enough.

He remember saying that he needed the closure.

It went another three days before he got a call over unofficial channels. Before he even knew it, he had found himself at Wellington Hospital back on Earth, awaiting results from a recently arrived Dr. Karin Chakwas. That was why he despised hospitals.

"Can I see him?"

It was the first thing he spoke when he stepped into the mostly intact building-the tired, worn streets filled with broken concrete-reaper forces having torn down most of UK's sights. Big Ben had hit its stop. His heart was indeed in his throat when he arrived, voice strangled, a faint hope still lingering beneath the nearly quivering lip. He hadn't been there when they found him, buried underneath the rubble in London soil, his armor torn and scarred. Only recently had he heard the news of his so-called survival.

No one told him, but he could tell that he was alive, restless machines struggling to keep him that way.

Chakwas shakes her head. "I'm afraid that there's a strict policy only allowing family members when the situation is this dire," she replies. "Even if you have served besides the Commander aboard the _Normandy_ for three years, it isn't qualified. I'm aware he doesn't have one, and I trust you with my life, but there are regulations that we have to take."

"I'm the closest thing he has to a family," he mutters, feeling spoiled, knowing he had one but he didn't. She seems to take note of his court reply as the lines in her forehead retracts. He closes his eyes. "Seeing him, it -it would mean a lot to me."

There was silence.

"I suppose that I can make an exception. I know I wouldn't be able to keep you back, either-even if I tried-having Spectre authority and all. If anyone asks, you're married," she says, a feigned smile on her lips, and yet Kaidan feels a hint of relief coursing through his veins. "I would want to warn you, though. The Commander is not in the best of shapes. I have only now been able to have a thorough look at him. It appears that about 25% of his body is tech. I'm a doctor, yes, but this is out of my expertise."

"Miranda Lawson," he says. "She -she was on the resurrection team, wasn't she?"

Chakwas' smile grows ever so slightly. "Yes. Miss Lawson was in charge of Project Lazarus, if I remember correctly. Smart girl. Somewhat prickly. Took some time to warm up to her." _Yeah... that's Miranda, all right._ "I have already contacted her. She is on her way."

"That... that's good news. Thanks, Chakwas. For taking care of him."

She nods. "The Commander is down that hallway, first door to the left," she says, motioning her head his direction, offering a tired smile. Kaidan swallows before his attention drifts to the door. "I'll leave you to it."

Chakwas left the room, and as he clenches a fist, he recognizes the feeling of being placed in cryo stasis.

Eventually he manages to drag his feet across the lightly creaking floorboards, bringing a hand lit in the colors of his omni-tool to the door, halting as he stands before it. As the area around his eyes draws tight, he shuts his eyes, ignoring the lump in his throat. Taking a deep breath, he activates the access code and lets the door fall, forcing his body through the invisible veil that kept him from taking another step.

His breath hitched when he saw him.

John was surrounded by tubes, his face scarred, the synthetics breaking through his skin with the same red glow he had before seen in Vancouver. One of his cheeks were cracked, trailing besides his temple, up towards his brow. His mouth split on the left side. His jaw marked by the same scars. But beneath that chapped skin, he could really _see_ him, his determination a constant battle as he never gave up without a fight. He had blocked everything out but his face, and the slow beating of the heart monitor, clinging to a pulse that was barely there. Kaidan thought that he would be mad at him. For breaking his promise. For leaving him behind.

Seeing him like that, he locked his jaw tight, ignoring the welling of his eyes as he blinks the cloudy substance away. Taking another deep breath, he approaches his bedside, getting a better look at him as he pulls up a chair.

To think that once, John was in this very position, overlooking Kaidan.

He had been unable to go see him for about a month and a half, caught up in the political fallout while dealing with the mass relays' dysfunction, taking note of how the doctors had allowed his hair to grow out by an inch. He looked younger. John's muscle mass had reduced slightly as his body had been unmoving for so long, but it was still there, and it'd only take about a week for it to get back to normal.

They had decided to keep his survival under wraps.

The Alliance kept the media away from the hospital to reassure that John could recover before the galaxy got word that he was alive. It was only a matter of time before they found him, though. Several patients had passed through those very doors and been steered clear from the separate room that John had been placed in. Everyone believed he was MIA and that was exactly what the Alliance wanted. What they had gone to great lengths to make them believe. They owed it to him not to get bombarded with questions and cameras the moment he got back up on his feet.

No one knew what had happened back at the Citadel. What the Catalyst was. Why the reapers and, as far as they could tell, all synthetic life forms had been wiped off the surface of Earth. The reapers were gone. The geth were gone. Artificial and virtual intelligences were gone. Collapsed and ceased to exist within a heartbeat. The quarians were back at square one when it came to rebuilding their homeworld without geth aid. The Catalyst must've been some kind of a kill-switch attached to synthetics only-as organics were left unaffected-to the best of their knowledge.

There was only one man who had the answer and he was currently lying unconscious at a hospital in what remained of London.

He wants nothing more but to reach out, take his face in his hands and kiss him, but he's unable to do so, worried he'll accidentally pull out a cord or something. It would have to wait, just as he had done for so long, only to be left behind once again.

So his hand settled above his, free from the restrains and tubes, ready to be captured.

His gaze drifts to the strangely functional x-ray to see each synthetic piece. Nearly his whole spine was covered in metal, five bolts holding it intact, making him choke up. John had been partly synthetic ever since the Lazarus Project, and hell, it was a miracle that the same fate hadn't befallen him as well as it did to the geth.

"You just couldn't resist, huh? You just... you just couldn't..." He takes a deep breath, his voice shaking, clutching his hand tighter before bringing nearly torn knuckles to his lips-unable to finish his sentence.

 _You just had to play the hero._

Kaidan sighs. "I'm here, John... and I'll be right here when you wake up," he mutters, swallowing the urge of putting emphasis on 'when,' giving himself false pretenses. It was another promise that he probably wouldn't be able to keep. Despite everything, he was still a Spectre.

"I promised you I'd show you Vancouver, didn't I?" He stops then, not trusting his own voice. _So please wake up..._


	36. Ch 36: Amnesia

**Chapter 36: Amnesia**

* * *

" _I know a lot of humans have problems separating us turians from each other, but I thought I was an exception." - Garrus Vakarian_

In which Shepard's condition is revealed, with a few curious details along the way, having major repercussions.

* * *

 **A/N:** I wrote an OC... shit, this is scary.

* * *

"Get out of my bloody way or I will personally break in myself and drag him out!"

Stifling a yawn with his palm, Kaidan arches a brow, pushing himself up from the chair he had spent the past five hours in - noticing the stiffness lingering in weary muscles - before heading for the door. He could recognize that voice a mile away. Working his way across the quaint reception, he's relieved to see Miranda Lawson arguing with a marine, a slender finger raised with a scowl apparent on her face. She was obviously holding back from throwing him across the room with her biotics judging by her tense posture.

She wasn't joking about the 'breaking in and drag him out' part, so for John's sake, he stepped in.

The marine straightens his back. "Major Alenko," he says, and snaps a salute. "Didn't expect to see you here. This lady here claims to know the Commander."

"At ease, soldier. She was part of his reconstruction team. Dr. Chakwas called her here."

He blinks, once, before moving his gaze her way. She folds her arms disapprovingly across her chest as her nostrils flares slightly, her hip shot to the side, blue eyes narrowed with an icy undertone. "Right. Sorry for the inconvenience, ma'am. I wasn't informed that you would be arriving."

With a mock smile, she bats her eyelashes. "Let me through?"

"I'll take it from here," Kaidan says, and returns the salute. "We all know that we can't take any chances with Shepard's life. You're only doing your job. Return to your post."

He nods. "Of course, sir," he says, and steps aside.

When he's out of sight, Miranda releases her arms. "I'm sorry for the unnecessary drama, Kaidan," she says, as they begin walking. She presses two fingers to the area above her brow. "He saves the galaxy only to end up in a hospital."

"Yeah. It's an ungrateful one. Still, it... it's good to see you."

They arrive by the door after a couple minutes of walking. Kaidan had already gone through this but he knew that the next step was the most difficult one to take. It wasn't before now he could finally get a thorough update on John's current condition. Find out if it was treatable.

It isn't until a gentle and warm hand is upon his - carefully unclenching his own - he realizes it had been balled into a fist. His eyes falls to his palm, thin white lines remaining, nails having left marks dug into the tender flesh.

He meets a compassionate look from Miranda before he nods with an unspoken 'I'm fine' and the door falls.

"Oh, Shepard..." She brings a hand to her mouth, elbow resting at her forearm. As if reading his thoughts, Miranda must've noticed his furrowed brow, looking over her shoulder. He could swear he saw her eyes watering up but she had quickly blinked them away.

Miranda clears her throat. "I assume Shepard didn't tell you much about his reconstruction," she says, her voice close to stone-cold. Releasing her arms, she trails her omni-tool across his body, scanning his injuries. "When we found him back in 2183, there was little left. He was nothing but tubes and flesh when he was first brought to the base. We nearly had to build him up again from nothing."

"I had no idea it was that bad."

She nods at him. "I'm afraid the facility won't do us much in this state, though," she says, and the orange display dissolves into nothing. "I need to collect specific tech components that are compatible with his current to be able to get him back up on his feet again, or I'll have to replace them, which will take a considerable amount time. Since most of the relays are down, I have few options. Fortunately, I know where to look."

"Do what you have to do, Miri." His voice falters. "Just... just get him back."

Miranda smiles softly. "Don't worry, Kaidan. I've done this before. This clinic has done a good job keeping him stable, however - and judging by his injuries, it won't take longer than a couple months. After that, it's up to him," she says, her look now fonder. "There's no way I'll let the bastard slip away from us again. He needs a good whack over the head after all the property damage he's caused. From all of us."

He wants to snort but the lighthearted sound remained stuck in his throat.

* * *

The Citadel Relay had been their first priority after Sol, so the Council had called him back to Serpent Nebula, him already having done diplomatic paperwork involving supposed Cerberus remnants. They had most likely gained new intel since he last checked in. After Cerberus HQ was destroyed, everyone believed them to have ceased to exist, but there were yet doubts. Same thing happened when they were in the traverse looking for geth presence before the first _Normandy_ went down. Cerberus was no exception.

The Council might have something more potent this time.

"Spectre Kaidan Alenko, glad you could make it." Tevos' chin was raised but there was a fall in her tone. "I... understand that Commander Shepard is hospitalized on Earth." Together with the Alliance, the Council were the only ones that knew. "If there is anything the Council can do to participate in his recovery, do not hesitate to ask. We all owe him and the _Normandy_ crew our lives."

Sparatus takes the word. "Unfortunately, we have some bad news regarding Cerberus activity that you've earlier been debriefed about. The reapers are no longer among us but there is yet much to be done," he says. "Thanks to thorough analysis, we have found some strange readings in Sigurd's Cradle where a Cerberus facility had earlier been disabled by none other than Shepard. It appears to be operational again. The Council would greatly appreciate if you could investigate these. Nevertheless, we... do understand if we should assign a different Spectre to this job."

"No, sir," he insists. "I'll get it done, but I'll need a ship."

Valern is the next to speak. "We have already spoken to Admiral Hackett regarding this matter," he says, and folds his arms across his chest. "Until Commander Shepard's recovery, you're assigned as the Commanding Officer for the _SSV Normandy SR-2."_

"You know the ship and you know her crew," Tevos says. "We are more than confident that she is in good hands, and the crew has already agreed to get back into the traverse, as they are more than willing to follow your command. We trust you to get the job done and will forward any relevant data if anything new shows up. This matter is of utmost importance and best to be pursued as quickly as possible."

"I'll inform the crew that we're leaving today, Councilors."

Tevos nods. "Good to hear," she says. "One of your fellow Spectres - Jondum Bau and his team - will join you in this mission. They have new intel better debriefed when arriving in the cluster. This meeting is adjourned."

* * *

Kaidan needed to get his mind off things and working was his best antiseptic.

He didn't waste a moment to get ready for the mission, his greeting as 'commander' still making him uneasy as he walked up towards the cockpit, setting course for Sigurd's Cradle. There had to be a reason to why the Council would assign two Spectres to the job.

The current _Normandy_ crew rendezvous by the war table shortly after.

Not many in the squad that had touched down on Earth were present since after they got the ship operational again. James Vega had signed up for N7 training, Garrus Vakarian had gone back to Palaven in search of his family, Tali'Zorah vas Neema had gone to Rannoch and Liara T'Soni to Thessia. He didn't know where Javik had ended up as he in a way just vanished. Nevertheless, Joker was still piloting the _Normandy_ and Steve Cortez remained as their shuttle pilot. They weren't all gone.

To the best of his abilities, he had tried to get in contact with the rest, to no avail so far.

A salarian approaches him, followed by a squad of five.

"Major Alenko," he says, and Kaidan nods at him. "Jondum Bau, Special Tactics and Recon." Jondum sticks out a hand and they share a handshake. "I understand you have taken command after Commander Shepard was unfortunately reported MIA. My condolences. I'm however glad you saw the urgency of this mission, human."

"It's best to be rid of Cerberus remnants now before they regroup."

Jondum pulls up his omni-tool. "Exactly my thoughts," he says. "I'm positive that the Council has informed you about the newfound data." Kaidan eyes the holographic map with dozens of marked locations, propping his elbow to his wrist while squinting a bit, rubbing two fingers together. "We've recently come in possession of a map containing Cerberus outposts spread out in the traverse, however, we don't know which ones are yet operational."

He zooms in on Sigurd's Cradle, Decoris and then Sanctum. "This facility appears to be one of their main bases, and thanks to analyzed intel, it should have data telling us exactly what we need to narrow it down. Our mission is to retrieve it."

 _That's exactly what we need._ "Well done, Bau."

"I merely did 20 percent of the known work. I'm not the one who obtained the intel, I simply analyzed it, bringing it up to the Council," Jondum says, and smiles. "I'm fortunate to say that my current human coworker is the one who obtained it. He's the one you should praise."

"I'll make sure of it." Kaidan lets his arms fall to his sides. "Any idea how much resistance we'll run into on Sanctum?"

Jondum nods. "According to our scans, there will be Cerberus presence. I'm unsure how many, but Cerberus rarely travel with fewer men than twenty, so we can expect a few more. Nothing we can't handle."

Kaidan himself brought five of his own students from Biotics Division to assist in the mission. He was aware that Bau had worked with John once before, regarding an indoctrinated hanar, with help from Kasumi Goto that he could remember from the Citadel party. They had talked, briefly, where she introduced herself - followed by teasing him about John having a thing for semi-public sex - him not daring to ask.

They had gotten into the shuttle when he was introduced to Jondum's team.

Surveying the compartment, he only saw one human male, realizing that he must've been the one that had retrieved the intel. His age couldn't be far from his own. He had light brown hair a couple inches that was somewhat spiky - much like John's now current style - green eyes and a five o'clock shadow. He was without doubt attractive. Kaidan had however never seen him before.

"Lieutenant Ryan Wright, wasn't it?"

Kaidan approaches him. Wright looks up, the surprise on his face quickly dissolving into the thick air as he straightens his back, making him realize just how green his eyes were.

"Yes, sir," he says, and takes Kaidan's outstretched hand. "It's a pleasure to get to work with you. You and the _Normandy_ crew have done one hell of a thing out there. Only had the vids back home to sate my curiosity."

"Back home?" he asks, curious himself. "You been out of duty for long?"

Wright shakes his head. "Not as you see it, sir," he says, smiling softly. "I was stationed on Earth under the command of Admiral Anderson to rally the reapers when you were out in the traverse in search of war assets. I assisted in getting civilians to safety. Had a few jobs to get help for the Crucible and a few more to gather intel. Cerberus related work, mostly. Explains how I was assigned to this job with Bau. He's a good soldier."

"How'd you come across Cerberus intel?"

Grinning vaguely, he asks, "What, don't you trust me?" Okay, he was charming, he'd give him that. "I've had my fair share of run-ins with 'em. They got sloppy." He shrugs. "Sound unlikely, I know, but it's the best I've got. If you expect to get shot in the back, I promise, I'll make it quick." The horror must've shown on Kaidan's face. "Sorry. I know that isn't exactly something to joke about, it's just..."

"A way to cope?"

He sighs. "Exactly," he says. "Things are looking pretty rough, even now when the reapers are gone. I mean, hell. First a Spectre goes rogue, then the collectors, the reapers and now... and now Shepard." Kaidan clutches his rifle tighter. Wright nods solemnly before clearing his throat. "He and Anderson are, uh... are both MIA still, and all synthetic life just kinda vanished." Kaidan squints a bit, having sworn his response at their mention had been pained, but eventually flags it off. "Things are just... pretty fucked up."

 _No argument here._

"I hear you." Part of him wants to tell him that John is hospitalized - bringing some light to all this - but that information was highly classified. Wright did seem like a good guy but he didn't want to take any chances.

Attempting to turn the mood, Kaidan asks, "So how did you end up serving with the Alliance?"

"First of all, I wanted to help people." His voice did seem lighter. "Do stuff the right way. Not much point serving if you go in guns-blazing when it could've been solved diplomatically. The rest, uh... it's kinda embarrassing, really." Kaidan could swear he noticed a red-ish color in his cheeks. "I had also kinda dreamt of the whole 'space hero' thing. My mother used to read me those stupid romance novels when I was a kid."

Kaidan smiles. "Wait, really? Okay, yeah. Let me guess... to 'prove yourself to the woman you love'?"

Wright shakes his head, chuckling a little. "Something like that, yeah. It'd be 'to the guy you love,' in my case, but still - same thing. Don't tell me that's the reason why the famed Kaidan Alenko joined up, too?"

"Guilty as charged. Seeing space was also part of it. Though, I ah... I read those 'stupid romance novels' myself."

He holds up a hand. "Hey, I meant no offense -"

Kaidan snorts. "Relax, LT. Not taken. I'm just messing with you," he replies, feeling far lighter than he was a minute ago. "C'mon, let's get down there and clear it out."

"Aye, aye, sir."

* * *

It was quiet when the shuttle arrived at the LZ, appearing abandoned, not a single soul in their depth of field.

It didn't make any sense. If Cerberus had been studying these artifacts in the past, then why would they simply leave them in the open like this, unprotected? Jondum Bau ordered his team to keep their eyes up, and he did the same, expecting the worst. Kaidan moved up first, eyes attentive as he scouted ahead, two students having his back.

This was an ambush if he'd ever seen one.

"Alenko, right flank!"

He sees them then, three soldiers moving up - a smoke grenade blurring his vision - forcing him to take a step back, coughing. Before he knows it, a hand is at his arm, pulling him behind cover. Two more lurks behind and circles an Atlas mech that had just gone active and been dropped by a Cerberus air vehicle. They were outnumbered by at least twelve and were pinned down.

That, and the Atlas mech, crossing the floorboards while spamming heavy concussion shots through a restless machine gun.

Kaidan's coughing dies down. "Thanks," he says. Wright nods at him, putting in incendiary rounds. He had a way of dealing with both its shield and armor himself but needed to know what their options were.

"LT, what's your specialization?"

"Vanguard, sir." He hadn't worked with a lot of Vanguards before. "I'll wait until it gets closer and do a _Nova_ to stun it, a _Charge_ to recharge our shields, followed by another _Nova._ It'll take it down almost instantly."

"That's a risky tactic."

"Sure is, but it's our best bet."

Taking time to consider, Wright's expectant expression awaits his order, until another hail of bullets storms their way - followed by a rocket - as they automatically duck their heads. Tightly closing his eyes, his ears ringing, Kaidan makes a displeased sound. The remaining Cerberus soldiers would flank them if they didn't bring it down, and bring it down fast. When the fire dies down, Kaidan shakes his head while cursing under his breath and releases an _Overload_ to damage a portion of the shields, giving him an advantage and opening before he's back in cover.

"Now!" he calls, and Wright immediately gets the _Nova_ ready. As expected, the blue pulse stuns the behemoth, giving him a safer opening as he charges. He's onto the mech, releasing the final _Nova_ that in return damages any soldier close by, just like FTL speed. Electrical lines drapes the mech in shock, stutter, until it's inoperative. But instead of taking cover, Wright simply stands there, frozen.

Kaidan's eyes goes wide. "Wright, what the hell are you doing? It's going to blow!"

Instead of getting out of the blast radius, he sees him getting up a _Barrier_ and shield combo just in time before the mech explodes - Cerberus soldiers caught in the crossfire - clearing a minor section. Kaidan covers his eyes with an arm as he tears them away from the blast, wide as they traverse back to the Vanguard who had been forced onto a knee, a trail of blood pickling down his nose. Although breathing heavily, looking like he's about to collapse, he does nothing but enforce the barrier as he pull himself up from the ground and straightens his back.

That's when he saw one of his students cradling a wound behind cover, in area of the blast radius, Wright having saved his life.

His eyes flutters shut as he releases an anticipated breath seeing that he had almost, for the first time, lost a soldier under his command. These kids were his responsibility and losing either of them - whom he had gotten to know personally - would put serious strains on his willpower.

He'd have to personally thank him for denying that from happening.

Clearing the section he's standing in, Wright drops the _Barrier,_ latching the student's arm around his shoulder before getting him behind cover. He uses their covering fire to his advantage. Having the student leaning up against the concrete, yet cradling his wound, Wright is quick getting out some medi-gel and patches him up before pulling out his shotgun and rejoining the fight. From what he had seen, Wright should've been a captain by now, not just a lieutenant. Not knowing why bothered him more than it should.

They fought for a good fifteen minutes before the area was clear.

"Nice work with the barrier. Thanks. I, ah... I owe you," Kaidan says, approaching him, receiving a tired smile in reply. He sees Wright move a gauntlet against the area above his lip to brush the blood away as eyes flutter shut, leaning his head back, his hands falling to his hips.

"You okay?"

Wright nods. "Yeah," he mutters, before a frown creases his brow. "It's just a light headache. Comes with the territory, I guess. It's nothing. Ready for orders, sir."

"You're not looking too hot, LT. Take it easy, okay? Don't push yourself too hard."

Shrugging, he says, "No promises."

Kaidan snorts and shakes his head, taking a better hold of his rifle, before approaching Jondum who had just sheathed his _Scorpion_ firearm. The shuttle had been greeted by bullets and forced Cortez to bail so he could keep it intact in the firestorm, but now that the Cerberus presence was eliminated, he was waiting for them at the LZ.

"Found anything?"

Jondum nods. "Yes," he says, having found his place behind one of the screens. "This live map is exactly what we've been looking for. According to this data, there are five more outposts that are active, thankfully of a smaller scale."

"Good work, everyone. We got what we came for. Let's get this intel to the Council."

* * *

When Miranda informed him over voice-link in nearly a brittle tone that John was awake, he felt a lightness he had never before experienced, having sworn that his knees went weak below him. He wanted to laugh but the sound couldn't get quite through. His only regret was not being there when he first opened his eyes. That feeling of being lucky was quick to vanish as Miranda had asked him to come see her.

Something had come up.

Kaidan had been busy with clearing the first outpost and reporting back but he didn't waste a moment to rip his jacket off the coat stand, wrestle into it and rush towards the door, getting there nearly as quickly as his legs could carry him.

Hackett had taken Kaidan's current mission to him and sent Alliance soldiers to take care of the remnants. Kaidan was thankful that he could remain on Earth, off-duty, most of the time. Either way, he didn't want to be kept out of the loop entirely. Too much time to think otherwise.

He was informed that John was fine, although he knew that there was a 'but' coming, Miranda's subtle smile too forced for it not too.

"His limbs are intact although he's yet healing from a few more minor damages, but it's easily treatable, as it will heal in a few weeks," she says, changing the position of her foot. "We've come to the conclusion that the Commander will be back up on his feet in three months at worst, but..." _Here goes._ "We've found out that he was hit by Harbinger's beam, minutes before the evac squad found him, although curiously he survived the blast as if the reaper had... personally lowered the power usage."

He frowns. "Wait, what do you mean?"

"The reaper beams has an overheat function so the energy would never reduce its power level, even if having used it for centuries, so the only reason for the beam to lack in energy would be if the reaper _personally_ reduced it."

Squinting a bit, he takes that to consideration, unable to make sense of why Harbinger would do such a thing.

The reaper's beam had completely disintegrated soldiers before his very eyes. There was nothing left of them, they just vanished, leaving nothing but ash in their wake.

 _How's John any different?_

Miranda's eyes slams shut. "That's... not all," she mutters, before clearing her throat. "Tissues, uh... tissues of his brain... were greatly damaged. It's very similar to the effects that he suffered after the first _Normandy_ went down, but in more extreme measures." She raises her chin with a hard gaze. "I've done everything I can for him, and only time will tell if he can recover fully from this - a 16 percent chance, to be more specific." She falls into a pause. "I'm sorry to say that our Shepard has retrograde amnesia."

 _Amnesia... God._

He couldn't even imagine what John was going through. The reapers' defeat in itself would be more than enough to take in. There was yet the matter of how far back that his memories had vanished.

"How... how far back are we talking, exactly?"

"We can't tell for certain, but... far. He has no recollections of the past three years. At least." Three years... _at least._ He knew what that meant. "Your name came up in conversation, and... nothing."

His heart breaks.

John didn't remember him at all. After everything they had been through together, they were back on square one, not even on a last name basis. Kaidan went from lover to stranger within a heartbeat. Hell... he had plans to purpose after the war was over.

That was no longer an option.

"When he has the time to recollect himself, we'll ask him if he remembers Akuze," she says. "I suspect that it might have something to do with the scar on his hairline. One damage to his head - even if it's minor - could be the cause. Do you know when he might have gained it?"

Kaidan sighs. "17," he mutters, eyes falling shut. "He was... he was 17."

"17?" she asks, her eyes wide. "My god... I'm -I'm sorry, Kaidan. I didn't... He... seems to be able to create new memories, though - so there are no signs of anterograde disturbances in his condition." He knew she was trying to console him but that didn't ease the deep pit in his abdomen. "Even so, we'll might never find out what happened. What the Catalyst is, or... if he has seen anything to Admiral Anderson. It's troubling, and a very slow process, but we need to start somewhere.

"We have informed him of a few crucial events during the past years, making sure not to overburden him with facts, as most of all this will have him in for a shock. Shepard responded by calling the doctors 'crazy' and refused to believe a single word. He doesn't even know about the reapers, and now, everyone are celebrating their defeat. We have also decided to make sure he avoids contact with the media until he recovers enough to take it all in. Those bloody reporters won't leave him alone if he goes out there."

He's given a compassionate look. "I'm sure you understand why I'm telling you all this."

 _I understand perfectly._

"I'll, uh..." he tries, and nods solemnly. "I'll make sure to give him some space. Keep me updated, okay? I, uh... I need to report to Admiral Hackett about... about all this."

About to move, Kaidan's forearm is captured, stopping him in his tracks.

"You don't have to play the strong silent type." Miranda lets out a snort, forcing another tight-lipped smile, big blue eyes full of compassion. "I've broken down at least twice just seeing him like that. One bloody hell of a good doctor I am, right?" Kaidan can't hold back the weak, upwards twist by the corner of his lips. "Are you all right?"

 _No. No, I'm really not._

Nodding, he says, "I will be." Miranda softly squeezes his arm before he's pulled into an embrace, him meeting her halfway, closing his grip around her. Little did he realize how much he needed that. "Keep up the good work, Miri... and thanks."

She pats his back. "Anytime, Kaidan -"

"Miss Lawson!" a distressed voice calls out, down the hall. Kaidan blinks as they break apart before turning to the man whose face was red of exhaust. One of the employees runs towards them, his breathing heavy, hands falling to his knees. "Shepard's gone."

"Wait, he's _what?"_ Miranda calls, eyes wide.

Gaining brief control of his breath, the doctors speaks again. "One of the... one of the doctors were found unconscious in his room with his omni-tool gone," he says, swallowing. "The locker was decrypted and the window pried open."

"I told you to not to let anyone in!"

Kaidan's omni-tool lights up. The Council? _Hell, this is *not* the time!_

The doctor shakes his head. "I know, ma'am. We didn't, but the..." he tries, and straightens his back, shooting a finger towards the door. "The door was sabotaged from the inside. Shepard... Shepard was the only one there, and the windows… the windows are enforced. There's no way anyone could've gotten inside without us knowing about it. The pistol, and... and the jacket, is also gone."

"You've got to be kidding me." Kaidan touches the bridge of his nose. His omni-tool was now beeping like crazy, so he eventually answers, as it was taking away his ability to think. "I'm -I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't talk right now. Shepard's gone -"

" _Well, then you would want to hear this."_ Having expected to hear Tevos, he was surprised to instead hear a familiar raspy turian voice, amusement noted a long way. _"I might have run into your boyfriend at the bar, and saying that he seemed confused would be putting it mildly. He didn't know who I was. I know a lot of humans have problems separating us turians from each other, but I thought I was an exception."_

 _Jesus..._

"Oh my god..." he mutters, and exhales slowly. "Okay, so there -there's bound to be several bars than one in London. Tell me where you are I'll be there as fast as I can, just don't let him out of your sight."

Garrus hesitates. _"Uh, let's see... Chalk Farm, Camden. I couldn't make out the sign, though."_

"I'm on my way." He hangs up before checking the built in map on his omni-tool. _About five minutes if I use... this road, and... okay. Good._ Shutting the interface off, he turns to Miranda, her face a darker tone. Kaidan starts backing towards the door.

His walk towards the door quickly turns into a jog. "I'll find him!"

* * *

Kaidan took the first cab down to Camden, and despise the busy streets, he was able to arrive just outside the building.

John should've known better than to break out of a damn medical facility where _he_ was one of the patients. Not only that, but he was currently armed, and confused. Kaidan was however positive that he would never go around shooting up nightclubs.

Pushing the cab door open after paying the driver, he takes a step outside, swirling before closing it shut it again. He squints his eyes to see if he could make out any familiar faces behind the glass window. It was a quaint little place and appeared to contain two levels. Neon-blue lights lit up the dark local, nightfall having closed in, the clock nearing 10:00 pm. It reminded him of Purgatory, back on the Citadel, only less pink. The music was loud, obnoxious as it blasted through the stonewalls, and he just knew that he was bound to get another migraine.

As he arrives through the door, he scans the room, shortly after glimpsing Garrus leant up against one of the tables.

Garrus catches his eye, motioning his head to his left, him following the movement. He froze as he glimpses the familiar form of an Alliance soldier. John was currently propped into one of the chairs by the bar, drink in hand, arms crossed on the counter. Swirling the light brown liquid in the glass, Kaidan sees a frown crinkling his brow, scowling lightly at it. John had never been a fan of light beers, but he had probably never heard of the drinks they served here, not wanting to take any chances to end up sold to some batarian slavers in a colony at the ass end of nowhere.

"So what's the story, here?" Garrus asks as he approaches, just loud enough to be heard over the music that would most definitely blow out his eardrums. "Shepard seems... off. I can barely recognize him even though I'm already used to his scars and those creepy, glowing red eyes. And it's not the haircut."

Garrus' mandibles clicks. "All right, maybe that's part of it."

"The doctors found out that he has amnesia. Miri said it was a 16 percent chance he'd recover."

"Well, that's... one hell of a thing. Certainly unexpected, although it explains a lot, considering. I'm sure he -" He cuts himself off as it wasn't doing any good. "He'll come around, Kaidan. He always does. After all, you saw how he turned out. First Human Spectre, The Hero of the Citadel, sole survivor of Akuze, commander of the _Normandy,_ savior of the galaxy... three times. People tend to take notice."

 _I sure as hell hope so._

Kaidan shakes his head. "That's thanks to Anderson, and we don't even know where he is," he says. "For all we know, he could be -" He cuts himself off as the thought crosses his mind. He could swear Garrus' expression softened in acknowledgement. "Hell, Shepard needed a father figure back then. Someone that put him back in place when he went out of hand. Anderson was exactly that for him."

Garrus' mandibles twitches again. "Out of hand?"

 _Right... I'm the only one who knows about the Reds._

He watches as John puts the glass back at the counter. Straightening his back, he buries his hand in his back pocket, fishing up a pack of cigarettes that he had probably snatched from an unfortunate pedestrian.

Kaidan cocks a brow. He had never seen John smoke. He probably stopped during those fifteen years but now went back to old habits. Everything was new to him. It probably helped with some familiarity in all this.

John shoves the cigarette in his mouth, lights it before taking the first draft, only to start coughing like he was on red sand. Kaidan can't hold back the amused smile. John obviously hadn't smoked in a while so it only made sense that it would take some time to get used to.

"That's not really my story to tell," he mutters, Garrus obviously haven't heard him, so he leans in slightly. "Let's just say that he was in a bad place for several years during his childhood. Had a few friends that turned against him and wanted him dead. Anderson gave him a way out."

It was vague, and he trusted Garrus with his life, but he had no right to rat Shepard out like that.

"To me, it sounds like he just needed a friend he could trust that wouldn't cut his throat. I don't think Anderson had too much to do about it." He had a point. "The Admiral has always been a hardass, we both know that, but I'm confident that we're going to be able to get the old Shepard back without his methods." Garrus falls into a pause. "You're not alone in this, Kaidan. At once we give our guys a call, the whole _Normandy_ crew is going to be there to dust the commander off and get him moving. We're all on the front lines.

"...and, if all else fails," he adds, his tone low and suggestive, "we'll hire some krogan mercenaries to knock his memory back into place. I'll more than willingly throw in a few punches myself, too, if that helps."

"I, uh... I don't think that would work."

"Just a suggestion."

"So what exactly did he do to conjure up bad blood between the two of you?"

"He insulted my sniper. Said that up close and personal is the only way to go or you're not a real soldier." He gives him an exasperated look. "What? He asked for it."

Kaidan keeps an eye on John. "I thought you had gone to Palaven."

"I was supposed to, but I found this bar on the way, and... well. Let's just say I get easily distracted." Kaidan snorts. _Never change, Garrus._ "Truth is, the relay is down. I... couldn't. I'm afraid I'm stuck here. No offense."

"I figured as much."

"Forgot to mention, but Tali is here with me," he says, eyes falling to the dance floor as Kaidan's trails after. The smile returns when he sees a far-too familiar quarian, drink in hand, a straw through the so-called 'induction port.' "She'll appreciate seeing you again so don't forget to say 'hi.' I'm keeping an eye on her and make sure she doesn't drink _too_ much... but I'll let her have some fun."

"How are you guys holding up?"

"Good, all things considered," he replies, straightening his collar. "The rebuilding of Rannoch is bound to take longer time than originally participated. The geth would've sped up the process a great deal. Weeks ago, she could barely wait to get back to her homeworld... now, I can barely get her out of this place. The dance floor is an obvious favorite of hers. Me... well, I'm just thankful they serve dextro-friendly drinks."

Kaidan grins ever so slightly. "You're a horrible influence, Garrus," he says "...and you're not going to join her?"

Somewhat nervously, Garrus chuckles. "Hah-ah... You saw me in the Citadel apartment, Kaidan. I'm... not the best dancer. I'm doing fine right here," he says, hesitating. "She tried to get me to come along, but when you arrived, I was able to convince her that I needed to keep an eye on our friend here. Speaking of which... thanks. You pulled my ass out of the fire and prevented certain disaster." John regains Garrus' attention. "You should go talk to him. I'll try not to get into too much trouble while you're busy over there."

"What am I going to say, huh? Hell, I'm a stranger to him, too."

 _Great, now I sound like a smartass._

Garrus didn't take it to heart.

"I... I'm sorry, Kaidan. I know that doesn't count for much, but... I really am," he says. Shifting his weight to his other leg, he could make out an expression only described as stoic. "I think your best bet is to simply tell him the truth, or it's going to come back to 'bite you in the ass' later, if I use the human idiom correctly."

"It does count," he replies, and smiles vaguely "...and you used it correctly." His gaze then settles back at John as his smile falters. Inhaling a deep breath, his eyes flutters shut, before slowly blowing it out again.

 _Here goes._

"Wish me luck..."


	37. Ch 37: Guilty Pleasures

**Chapter 37: Guilty Pleasures**

* * *

" _Okay, I'll bite."_ _\- John Shepard_

Kaidan makes a mistake... (but, oh, such a good one.) Shepard's past is also more fucked up than participated.

* * *

 **A/N, TRIGGER WARNING:** Contains sex (slightly more explicit than "Chapter 24: Unleash") and implied/referenced underage prostitution.

Chapter heavily inspired by the song "Call It What It Is" by Sleeperstar.

* * *

"You know... you should try ryncol if you want something stronger. Wouldn't recommend it, though. I've heard it can put a car on fire."

Propping a forearm to the counter, Kaidan leans in until his shoulder locks into place, his heart stuck in his throat as he turns his way. An almost startled expression surfaces John's face that shortly dissolves into the same deadpan look, incredibly blue eyeing him up from top to bottom. The smoke was back in his mouth. He can already smell the rich but bitter aroma that lingers in the smooth fabric of his leather jacket. Then the blue hue - with red orbs centered between - was at his. Kaidan can't help the small smile that was threatening the corners of his lips.

"Okay, I'll bite," John replies. "Any recommendations?"

Kaidan snorts. "I hear the Serrice Ice Brandy is quite popular. Here, let me buy you a shot," he says, taking note of the subtle but intensive watching of his every move. He pretended like he didn't notice. There was a newly gained confidence blooming deep in his chest.

"I'll take two." The bartender relieves him from the credits.

Cocking a brow, John's gaze follows the younger man behind the counter before he disappears further into the otherwise dark bar, illuminated by neon lights. Then Kaidan is his full focus. Kaidan could only imagine what thoughts he was limited to. If he had to guess, he would assume that John was surprised that he didn't seem repulsed by his scarred appearance. Even now, after all this time, it was still difficult to read him.

Over his forearm, John sticks out a hand. "Shepard."

His whole body goes warm at the shared touch of their skin, his grip firm and warm, seeping into his being with a reassuring comfort. Warm, not cold. Real, not an illusion. John was alive. He was up on his feet, walking, and he was... he was alive.

It was their very first physical contact after his awake, and hell, it evoke every emotion known to man in him.

"I, uh... Kaidan. My name. It's Kaidan." He squeezes his hand tighter before letting go, the aching of his own returning at the departure. "So, Shepard..." he says, in need of a different subject. "Care to tell me what happened there?"

There was a freshly carved but narrow cut that seemed to be going deep, splitting his brow in two, dangerously close to his left eye.

"Got jumped by some assholes," he replies simply, not going into detail. He went quiet then, having no need of explaining himself, and appeared to be lost in thought. His expressionless demeanor is nonexistent shortly after Kaidan grasps his chin. John nearly jerks out of his hold. Kaidan feels his jaw clench underneath his fingertips, but John doesn't pull back, as he brushes a cautious thumb below the damage.

John's face was blank. "You, uh... you a doc or some shit?"

"Yeah, well... kind of," he mutters, eyes hardening into slits. "Guess you could call me a medic." He's allowed to cock his head to the side, to study the cut, trying to figure out how deep it went. He couldn't really tell.

Kaidan's hand falls to the counter. "Looks pretty deep."

"It'll heal." His eyes moves to rest at the bartender, just having brought them their drinks. Yanking the cigarette out of his mouth, he stumps it on the back of his palm without wincing –- Kaidan cringing vaguely at the gesture - before throwing it into the tray besides. John swipes a palm across the counter to grab it, bringing it to his lips, only to move it away again as he inspects its contents.

He crinkles his nose. "It's... blue."

Kaidan coughs out a laugh. "Think of it as, uh... coke without artificial colorants - would've been clear otherwise - Citadel space doesn't have them," he says, grabbing his own and moving it to his mouth. "Earth caught up and went along with it. Kinda tacky."

"Have we met?"

Subtle shock registered on his face before he could hide it.

"Huh?"

"Okay, I'll say it plain - have I ever had your cock in my mouth?"

The wrong pipe swallows the bluish beverage whole, and in a split second, he's coughing his lungs out as if he was on red sand. The burn was almost unbearable and the blush crept up like a damn geth hunter. He was well-aware that his eyes had watered and gone puffy at the force emitted. Winching slightly, he sucks in a breath, in an unconscious attempt of washing the bitter taste out of his system.

John looks nothing short of amused. "Look, you asked for it."

"Yeah... yeah, I guess I did," he says, and manages to swallow. Properly, this time. "I'm -"

He looks up from his glass and catches Garrus' eye, off in the distance. Apparently having noticed how his attention seemed to be somewhere else, John looks over his shoulder with an arched brow, seeing him.

Kaidan eventually regains his gaze. "I -I don't think so. Sorry."

He couldn't do it.

What the hell was he supposed to say? That they had been dating for a while up until he woke up on that hospital gurney with a brain concussion? That they had known each other, served together, since 2183? It was too much to take in. Miranda had already mentioned his dismissive reaction when simply informing him about his involvement with the Alliance. How was he supposed to believe everything that seemed even remotely unlikely? At just the mention of commitment, John certainly would've bailed at first notice.

This was no exception.

Thankfully, John seems to buy it, although there was a small frown by his brow before he acknowledges it. He tips the glass back to his mouth and swallows half of the substance in one swipe, still holding the glass to his lips, frown deepening.

"Right. You just seemed -" John stops, shaking his head and taking a final drag. "Never mind."

"I guess I just have that kind of face," he says, wanting to kick himself as he couldn't get more cliché than that. He knew that Garrus was right. He _knew_ that this would be a bad idea in the long run. It was too late now to have a change of heart, so he'd better make the best out of it. "Hey, uh... you seemed pretty lost around here. I don't really know the place myself, but still - figured I'd give you a hand, you know?"

Behind the glass, a slow smile spreads on John's lips.

Then he realized what that sounded like.

Chuckling, he looks away. "Christ, that's not –that's not what I meant."

John's smile grows ever so slightly, giving him another look-over, before parting from the empty drink.

"Shame," he says, shoving a new smoke back into his mouth. _Okay, so he's flirting with me. That's a start._ "I'll take the company, but I don't dance, so scratch that off the list."

That's a first.

John was a downright terrible dancer. Kaidan knew that firsthand as well as everyone who had ever _seen_ him dance, but he also knew that he didn't give a damn about how he looked because he found dancing fun.

Having missed the chance of meet-ups at some dingy bar in one of the major cities as a teen - thanks to his unusual upraising - Kaidan found himself appreciating the opportunity to be normal for once. It was, in a way, exhilarating. He had never been a big fan of nightclubs but it was a great way to meet people. Although it might sound like a horrible thing to say, the amnesia had given them a way to start over, have casual conversations unrelated to the Alliance and debriefings of their past mission. Unrelated to BAaT. Unrelated to war. The whole thing wasn't entirely bad, but if he could prevent it from happening in the first place, he wouldn't have hesitated.

"...and if you plan to introduce me to your friends over there," he adds, much to Kaidan's embarrassment. _Okay, yeah, so he definitely knew._ "I'm going to have to pass." He kept the smoke un-lit for the time being. "I'm not exactly a people-person."

"You seem pretty charming from where I stand."

John's eyes falls. "Sure," he says "...but only when I'm trying to get into somebody's pants."

Looking up again, John cocks a brow - his expression deadpan - pinning him with a predatory gaze. He used that look to get Kaidan in bed with him, usually throwing a crooked smirk into the mix, working every damn time.

"That so?" he asks, and internally grins.

Mouth now somewhat agape, John seems amused at his short but suggestive reply, if not surprised. The cigarette quaintly hangs immobile on his lower lip. Kaidan wants nothing more but to viciously yank the damn thing away and crush his lips with his own. Feel him against himself again. Push him up against a wall and let him know just how glad he was to see him up from that damn hospital gurney. But he could do neither.

In a moment, the smoke is out of his mouth - the crooked smirk that he had waited for finally on his lips - as if accepting a challenge. John pushes slightly away from the counter, him tempted to do the same, but remains put.

Beneath the vivid lights and the night sky outside, the air grows ticker, nearly suffocating him.

Too busy gazing into John's eyes, his breath hitches as he feels a firm hand pulling at his shirt, allowing him to take charge although not being given much of a choice as he nearly trips over his own foot, despite how gentle the pull was. For a moment, he has no recollection of what just happened, but everything comes back to him when John leans in and he feels scarred lips ghosting over his neck.

"So, K... wanna fuck?"

He was trying to focus on his own breathing so he wouldn't pass out like an idiot thanks to lack of air, but by the way John was pressing up against him - most definitely aware of his growing erection - he couldn't think straight.

Kaidan swallows. "Yeah? I think I can make that happen. I'm currently in charge of a docked ship not too far from here."

He doesn't say anything, instead allowing his lips to speak for him, as they ghost Kaidan's neck. Shivers prickles down the length of his own spine as they're by his ear. He bites back a groan as teeth nips at his earlobe - and not gently - his own nails digging into the tan, tender flesh in reaction, bringing him closer. Kaidan couldn't even register when he himself had grabbed him.

John pulls away. "Five minutes."

Opening his mouth to speak, he's only to feel a flattened-out palm on his chest, pushing him ahead before John disappears into the crowd. He could swear that his heart was still trying to brutally ram through his damn ribcage, splintering it into a million pieces, the gesture having left him breathless.

He wouldn't be surprised if his face had gone blue along the way.

His eyes flutters shut, inhaling and exhaling the much needed breath, finally able to function properly. His legs were nearly shaking when he manages to push through the various attendants and locate Garrus' table.

* * *

"So..." Garrus mutters, the amusement clear in his voice, having seen the whole thing. "That went well." The defeat must've shown on Kaidan's face because the amusement died down quickly. "You didn't tell him, did you?"

Kaidan sighs. "I -I couldn't, okay?"

"Well, you're in it deep now."

"Yeah... no kidding," he says, the feigned enthusiasm in vain. "I always seem to mess up, huh? First Horizon, now... now this. Christ." He pulls out his omni-tool. "If this is going to work, I need to... I need to tell everyone what I've been telling him. The last thing I need is for the whole crew to mention how we served together -"

"Kaidan!"

Shooting a sideways glance, he hears a far too enthusiastic quarian voice as she nearly stumbles over, him quick on his step to catch her if she fell - only to have her barging into him - briefly taking away all the oxygen left in his body again, him hunching over, feeling like he has taken a stone-clad fist to the gut. She throws an arm around his shoulder.

He clears his throat. "H -hey, Tali..." he tries, catching his breath. "It... it's good to see you."

"Feeling a little..." She hiccups _"...naughty,_ are we?" Her speech was slurred, eyes crinkling in the corners to reveal a big grin behind her mask. He frowns. "I hearrrd you... speaking with Shepharrrd?" A giggle interrupts her and Kaidan feels his cheeks going warm.

He casts a helpless glance Garrus' way, giving him a look only described as a, 'whatever it is, I don't want to know.'

"Hear, hear," Tali adds, the sudden seriousness in her voice being almost terrifying. "You..." There was another hiccup. "You are going to regret following through with... with this," she says, waving her triple-filtered turian brandy, Garrus gracefully taking it away from her. Kaidan halfway expects to shimmer a pout but she doesn't even seem to notice that she no longer had it in her hand.

"Because, Keelah," she adds. "You... messed. Up."

"Tali, you -you're not helping," he mutters as calm as ever, only to be interrupted by another fit of giggling from an intoxicated quarian. "Garrus, there's -there's a line to what amount each individual can handle, you know?"

Innocently, Garrus shrugs. Taking a moment to admire the scene, Kaidan smiles, despite of himself.

"Don't be ridiculous!" she protests. "Now... now I don't know much about human mating rituals, but to my people -" _Oh, god_ "...but to _my_ people, it's very, very... _intimate,"_ she says, putting heavy emphasis on the last word. "However, I _do_ know a little, as I have earlier consu -cons _ulted_ a human mating manual."

He could swear that Garrus was frowning. "Spirits. What were you doing with one of those?"

"For Shepharrrd, of course! I threw them away, though... I didn't _need_ them anymore. He _rejected_ me... said he didn't want to risk my health... so I tried my luck with _you_ as I figured I would have a better chance. Downgrading a little."

The turian gasps. "Ouch. You're so mean."

Tali breaks into another giggle fit and Kaidan finally realizes that she was joking. Taking note of Garrus' suggestive tone, he clears his throat - reminding them that he was right there - practically being the one keeping Tali standing.

Garrus sucks in a breath. "Right. Sorry," he says, with the turian equivalent of a blush. "So what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking I'm taking him back to the _Normandy."_ Kaidan's hand is then at Tali's upper back, carefully guiding her into a seat. She was a light quarian, but his shoulder had begun aching. "I'm not planning on doing anything else but that."

He could make out a snort, and a murmured "yeah, rrright," before the tenacious slurping of obstinate purpose catches his ear.

Kaidan ignores Tali's remark. "I'm pretty sure he'll just refuse returning to the hospital if I suggested it, and I can't exactly force him, so it's the best I've got right now," he says, separating from the table. "You coming along?"

"I'll finish up here first." Garrus casts his eyes to a now, unsurprisingly enough, very passed out Tali. "She's... coming too, I suppose."

He smiles and shakes his head before pushing through. As much as he wanted to be with John, he didn't do one night stands, which was certainly what John was expecting. Deceiving him felt wrong but he had little choice.

Sex wasn't just a technicality for him - a way to pass the time - and by far it wasn't a small thing in his eyes. Still, this was John. The last time they spoke was before he headed for the beam. Before Kaidan, for the third time, believed John to be dead. Before he affectionately stroked his hair and told him to come back to him. Before he spent weeks by his side at Wellington to await his recovery, barely taking the time to sleep or eat, almost unconsciously killing himself in the process. He was lucky that Liara had come to his rescue before it got too bad. He needed to feel his body against his own again. Remind himself that John was alive. But this wasn't the time for that.

A hint of relief soothes him as he sees him standing back by the bar disk, chatting up the bartender, although he couldn't make out what they were saying. Approaching him, he gently touches his bicep, John shortly after meeting his gaze with a now lit cigarette. He doesn't need more convincing as he simply empties his newly-ordered drink, shoves the smoke back in, and allows Kaidan to drag him along. In any other situation, he would've taken him by the hand and intertwine their fingers, but that wasn't exactly what you did to some random guy you picked up at a bar.

It needed to be believable.

* * *

Kaidan hailed a cab.

The final walk to the _Normandy_ was quiet, and despite everything they had been through together in the past, he couldn't help but feel nervous as if it was their first time. He felt like he didn't know him anymore, and hell, it was killing him. There was however some truth to that statement. Not having known John fifteen years back, he didn't know _what_ to expect from him, but he was clearly different. More vulgar and forward as he said things straight out. He was used to dirty innuendos but this was something else entirely. His forwardness was... kind of turning him on.

At least that's what his suddenly tight pants were telling him.

The decontamination was quick and painless but also spent in complete silence. Kaidan made sure that he was the first to step into the ship. He nearly barges into Joker as he was limping back to the cockpit. The pilot froze when he saw John, averting his eyes to give Kaidan a questioning look, although he held up a hand in promise to talk later. Joker simply shakes his head and passes them.

Normally, Joker would ignore his attempt at keeping him quiet, but things were different.

He clenches his jaw and tries to forget the drainage in the otherwise chipper and sarcastic pilot's gaze. He can see John's confused reaction, but instead of lingering outside the now shut cockpit door, he takes him by the wrist and brings him to the elevator.

Kaidan knew exactly how he felt.

EDI's robotic body had been placed back in the med-bay in hope to someday retrieve her. They hadn't been successful so far. The whole crew took her absence to heart as they had gone back to using a simple VI, and it wasn't the same without her, although there wasn't much they could do about it. Part of Joker sure blamed John for what happened. Even so, their CO had done so much for him before, so he stowed it.

At least for now.

The amnesia could be the only wall between John himself and Joker's anger.

* * *

He watches as John steps into the cabin, hands deep in his pockets, his brows crinkled in a thoughtful frown. There was a different look about him as he stands there and he can tell that he remembers parts of the interior.

At his every step, his heart had been beating, harder and harder as they passed the crew with curious glances. He was confident that he could do it, but now when they finally had reached deck one, his willpower and confidence was slowly but surely dying down. There was an eerie silence aside from the silent humming of the _Normandy's_ engine and the air was thicker than he could remember.

Wasn't every day you refused your boyfriend sex.

John had started off dominating the first night they shared together, but he had quickly put him in his place, forcing him to subdue when he held him pinned beneath him. John was the boss in the field, but in the bedroom, he was the one giving the orders. It wasn't before now he realized how vulnerable he felt. After his wake, John's current display so far had been nothing but a supposed bad-boy persona. A walking James Dean starred in _Rebel Without A Cause._ He only needed a _Porsche Spyder_ and Kaidan would have to look twice to see the distinction.

He shakes off the thought and heads for the inner section.

There is a brief panic when strong fingers curls around his wrist. He feels his pulse both in his throat and under the grip of the hand that was crushing his forearm, swirling him around, as if restraining a child from running into traffic.

He's brought back into reality as his back suddenly has a wall behind it. John was then attacking his neck with both lips and teeth, his warm body pressing the rest of him to the concrete, Kaidan unable to hold back the guttural moan that had quickly built up in his throat. He couldn't tell whether it was because of the impact he had suffered to the wall or John's assault. It doesn't take much effort to feel the equal and growing bulge by his thigh. He's forcefully grinded up against him when John grabs a handful of his ass, mouth moving in for a light throat clamp, like a predator would do to subdue its pray.

 _Pray._

That was exactly what he felt like.

A willing one.

Hands were all over him when John's mouth was working towards his jaw, and he felt like he was going to die, his attacker showing no signs of slowing down. For a moment, he forgets to breathe, but then he remembers where they were.

The pursuit stops when he strangely enough manages to place a flattened-out palm between his pecs, somewhat hesitantly pushing him back, feeling his chest moving rapidly beneath his touch. Dilated pupils peeks up at him - one beneath a cocked brow with the wound that he had earlier taken note of - having to mentally tell himself not to do something he knew he would come to regret.

"What... you going to patch me up first, doc?"

John must've seen where his eyes trailed.

Even so, why did he feel like he was about to participate in a porn vid?

 _Christ._

Repulsed but also slightly intrigued at the thought, he eventually flags it off, eyes slamming shut. The cut was indeed of a more pressing concern, so instead of objecting, he readies the medi-gel.

"Sit," he replies, gesturing to the bed "...and hold still."

With what resembles a mock snort, John throws up his hands in surrender, before plopping down to the furniture. His arms drops to his thighs as he leans forward. A smirk plays on his lips as he looks straight ahead, him being well-aware of where the height of his head was, before tilting them up to meet his gaze.

Kaidan rolls his eyes.

Crouching down before him, he squeezes out a small amount of medi-gel on his thumb, capturing John's chin in his hand.

He feels the stubble beneath his fingertips as he tilts his head to the side, him not being particularly helpful at first as he tries to wriggle out, but allows him access. John winces slightly as he presses the cold, jelly substance to the wound, again trying to pry lose.

Kaidan frowns. "Stop squirming."

John lets out an annoyed, explosive breath, his shoulders finally slumping.

He could tell that the cut was deep, frustrated at the reveal, attempting not to seem too bothered. His usual reckless stunts already angered him to no end as John's preferred tactic had always been to rush straight in like a krogan juggernaut. What he seemed to be forgetting was that he didn't have the same hardened scales and regeneration factor. Neither did he have the biotics except from _Reave_ that they implanted him with during the Lazarus Project. That alone wasn't enough to bring down a damn reaper if it came too it. Still, that didn't stop him from trying.

Part of him wants to ask how the hell he was jumped, but he figured that he couldn't get anything out of him, no matter how he tried.

When the gel is applied, John shifts uncomfortably, Kaidan's eyes falling down. He wants to laugh when he sees that he had 'adjusted' himself. Despite his erection, John frees his chin, clearing his throat.

He had always been really damn easy. It was kind of adorable. Most people wouldn't combine the word 'adorable' and 'Commander John Shepard' in the same sentence but they didn't know him like he did. Part of him wants to point it out, but hell, he wasn't that big of an ass. He would normally tease him about it, offer a handjob, and then ripped clothes would shortly after be scattered all over the floor.

A light breath grazes his cheek and he froze.

Kaidan swallows thickly. Clenching his jaw, he builds up just enough courage to ascend his eyes. His breath got stuck in his throat when he found that John had leant in. His unwavering gaze had him nailed to the floor as he sat crouched between his parted legs. He can hear his silent breathing, smell the tension, only about an inch of air parting them. Through his veins, his blood begins pulsing more rapidly.

He didn't want to fight a war that he wasn't going to win.

There he was, locking eyes with the man he loved, and his mind went blank. He simply couldn't bring himself to look away. He saw everything he was. Everything that made him into the man he was. Everything they had shared. He sees only John and forgets everything. Forgetting those years spent mourning him. Forgetting being left behind. Forgetting how angry he should be at him for breaking his promise. Forgetting the amnesia that had consumed him.

It was as if they were back to the first night they shared together.

John smirks.

...and then he couldn't hold back.

As if he's possessed, he's unable to control his actions, and in a split second he was standing over him. His fists balls around the worn leather jacket and he crushes lips to his, the want too strong to resist, moving with him as he forcefully cushions his back into the sheets. John groans from the bottom of his throat as Kaidan slips a knee between his thighs and presses him further down to the bed beneath where he pins him down.

A strong hand was on his chest, neck and then in his hair, the other nearly ripping the buttons on Kaidan's shirt from the two-stitched hem, him shuddering slightly as it bares half his chest. With the tip of his tongue, Kaidan trails the red-glowing scar on John's lips, before invading his mouth entirely with insatiated hunger. John tastes of brandy and smoke. It was as if Kaidan himself was getting a high from the tobacco that the cigarette - now stumped at the pavement outside - had left him, and combine that with lust, there was no way in fucking hell that he could resist.

Both of John's hands soon delve deep into his dark curls, reaching his amp port. Kaidan shudders in reaction as he sucks in a breath through bared teeth. Already hard, he rubs up against him for friction, willing to take whatever he could give him. It was too much and too little at the same time. A warm palm slips under his the neck-hem of his shirt, only to retract again, soon feeling the subtle breeze as his shirt comes off. Before he can process what's happening, his back is to the mattress, John's thighs cradling his hips.

And _Christ,_ it wasn't gentle, either.

With a predatory growl going right down, John leans back in and their teeth clicks, biting into Kaidan's lip - almost enough to draw blood. He sighs as his tongue, dominating and assertive, enters him again.

 _I miss you..._

His hands finds their path up the familiar curve of John's hips and under his tank top towards his ribs, desperate for contact, bringing him closer. A muffled sound is heard in return, the pressure of his mouth increasing, if only slightly.

 _I miss you so damn much..._

It didn't take long before they had discarded their clothes, wrestled out of the fabric, clinging onto each other as if the galaxy would fall apart any minute. He had watched John as he stripped off his shirt and noticed that there were traces of his six pack even after his coma.

Kaidan trails a hand over the firm muscle as John crawls over him, eyes surveying his tan skin, taking note of a few new scars that had surfaced.

He's nearly brought back into bad memories until lips relocate his chest, his collarbone, his throat as John grinds up against him. They prepared each other, and when he finally took him in, his nails bore into John's back. There was a burn to it, and never having been John's bottom before in their far too few rodeos, it sure as hell was an experience. His leg is forcefully grasped, his knee to John's hip so he feels his full length, catching another throaty moan that sends the blood rushing though his veins.

At his every thrust into him, he came closer and closer to his climax, John holding him in place while sucking at his pulse point. Both were coated in a thin layer of sweat, his nose registering the musky scent, although it was hard to overlook.

He hit dead-on one of his sweet spots, below the ear, and everything went black when the orgasm hit him like damn truck.

John came shortly after, his chest moving rapidly thanks to exhaust and lack of air, rolling onto his back before his forearm covered both his eyes. Kaidan knew their session would leave him bruised, but hell, he didn't give a crap.

It wasn't before about an hour later - when sleep had befallen his partner - he realized his stupid mistake.

It wasn't like in the movies. Everything didn't come back to him in an instant after the kiss they shared. It didn't trigger his memories. Nothing. Kaidan knew he had made a mistake in the moment their mouths collided, when his whole body flushed and went warm, being an amazing feeling that only John could give him. He knew that when he now had tasted him again that he would only want more. It was a feeling almost worse than when John headed for the Citadel transport beam and Kaidan believed he wasn't coming back. Yet, he went through with it, all thanks to his damn urges.

 _Just... *Christ.*_

* * *

Wincing at the clear sunlight in his eyes, blinking away the sudden colors, his eyes finally got used to the light pouring through the ceiling window. For a moment, he found himself confused, up until remembering that the _Normandy_ was still stationed on Earth. He had gotten used to waking up with stars above his head, cloaked by a dark night sky, where the light of day never reached. The weather had changed overnight, wind having brought the clouds with it as it drifted, clearing the sky.

The warmth, having coated him in a layer of sweat, told him just how impractical a ceiling window above a bed was when not in space.

Reaching out to the nightstand, he grabs his omni-tool, bringing up the display. _07:45 am._ He rubs his eyes, brows knit in a frown as they shut, letting out a sigh before throwing it back onto the nightstand.

There was movement besides him.

For a moment, he froze, despite knowing whom it was. He gazes sideways to see that John was still asleep. A small but fond smile crinkles his mouth although it shortly dissolves into the humid air. He clenches his jaw before he pulls the covers aside and stands.

Kaidan thankfully managed to relocate his clothes, draped all over, and threw them on.

"And here I was enjoying the view."

His neck nearly dislocated by his one-eighty-degree spin, only to exhale an anticipated breath, cheeks turning into a new shade of red to have startled in such a way. Grunting, John pulls up from the bed, his feet locating the floorboards. The sheets - unfortunately - covers him up as he leans forward. Elbows falls to his strong thighs as he rubs his eyes.

Snorting, he looks away. "Good morning to you, too," he says, before turning back. "Hey, ah... you're welcome to use the shower if you want." Kaidan shoots a thumb over his shoulder. "It's just in there. I've got a few things to take care of, but I'll be back in an hour, tops."

"I really should go -"

Kaidan holds up a hand. "No pressure, all right? I'm not expecting anything from you," he says, hoping he wasn't jumping to any dire conclusions. "I'll just have you know that the offer's there."

John seemed to relax somewhat then, so Kaidan was quickly out the door, heading for deck three.

* * *

After taking a shower himself in the lower levels, he found a couple crewmembers in the mess as he was greeted with the usual 'good-mornings,' returning the gesture before his mind was focused on the metallic shaft with freshly brewed coffee.

 _"Major Alenko,"_ Hackett says over the voice-link, Kaidan just having brought up him omni-tool display. _"Judging by your report, I understand that the Commander is aboard the *Normandy* at this rate. Keep him there. He's too valuable an asset to be wandering around on Earth. He needs supervision at all times or things are going to get real messy."_

"With all due respect, Admiral. How am I supposed to -?"

 _"Drop the 'with all due respect' crap, Alenko. I don't give a damn *how* you do it, just do it. Bring. Him. To. The. Citadel."_

Great.

He wasn't going to be happy about that.

* * *

No one had apparently seen John exit deck one, so thankfully, he was still aboard.

Kaidan still didn't know how the hell he was supposed to make sure that he stayed long enough to reach the Citadel. John wasn't stupid. The way he's handled himself up through the years is proof of that. A kid as young as he was, he sure had the brains when his years consisted of gang activity. There were other ways to earn a living, yes, but that was difficult without an education. Something he had little off. The thought of John submitting to prostitution made a bitter taste in his mouth. Maybe he had. Hell, Kaidan didn't know how well those gangs paid.

The thought brought him back to last night.

John was a damn god in bed, even then, so he sure as hell had plenty of experience at just seventeen years of age. Or maybe parts of his memories were recalling those hot, steamy nights that he had experienced in his life, and imprinted a remember-the-good-stuff protocol.

He wouldn't look down on him if he had turned to prostitution back then, couldn't know how desperate the situation was, couldn't put himself in those same shoes and walk the path of 'a runner' as he remembers John calling himself. The only thing he did was feel sorry for him. John was also so young back then, and hell, he couldn't have known better. Kaidan found himself walking that path difficult to imagine. It would put serious stains on his gifted integrity. His honor and pride. His self-respect.

He'd probably put a bullet in his head instead.

Easier that way.

Sighing, he grabs two cardboard cups from the mess - those with the quaint plastic lids - and returns to the cabin. He didn't realize until later that he had taken a deep breath that he only now blew out.

As the door *whooshes* open, he steps in, mindful of the fact that he had to break the news.

"Shepard?"

"In here." John had apparently taken up on his offer as his voice came from the restroom.

He could hear the light stream running down the shaft, the water drops hitting the marble floor in repeating splats, telling him that he was still in there. He could feel the moisture in the air, having poured out the tiny gaps beneath the door. The faint aroma of Kaidan's stylized shampoo that he himself brought along when moving into the cabin with John teased his nostrils. John obviously didn't need much of it back then, thanks to his buzz cut, but it had grown out almost four inches by now.

"You coming in?"

 _Yes._

The crude question took him aback.

Kaidan clears his throat. "I'll, ah... No, I'm... I'm fine just here. I'll wait. Brought you coffee."

"I don't drink coffee," he replies, much to Kaidan's confusion. It only hit him shortly after. _Amnesia... right._ Not every seventeen-year-old kid drank coffee. "I mean, fuck. I tried, but... I can't get used to the damn taste."

"Just trust me."

There was a pause then, but when the shower turned off, a hint of relief soothed his tense musculature.

He was about to head down to the inner section until he sensed movement behind him, turning around, nearly dropping the damn drinks at the sight. John was wearing nothing but a towel around his waist - a way too _small_ one that was usually used to dry the hair - as he leant up against the wall with his model ships, arms folded across his chest, Kaidan's face immediately to redden. As if he was fully clothed, John casually takes a cup, before passing him and moving it up to his mouth.

"This... is actually pretty damn good," he says, seeming somewhat in awe. He peeks up from his drink. "What's in this?"

Kaidan smiles softly. "Half-and-half... three sugar," he replies, voice faltering. _Just how you like it._ Clenching his jaw, he chooses to dismiss the hint of longing that was churning his abdomen. He's given a look, so Kaidan ducks his head and releases a strangled chuckle.

"That's, ah... that's a Canadian and US saying," he explains. "Half cream and half milk."

John blinks. "Oh."

His almost shy demeanor was the exact same way as it was back in Huerta Memorial when Kaidan was hospitalized with head trauma.

When he mentioned that he was tied to the bed with medical red tape, and John believed he was _literally_ tied to the bed, having nothing to do with the fact that 'red tape' meant being restricted to a strict set of rules for a period of time.

Kaidan sees the towel drop before John moves towards the dresser, making a muffled whimper as he averts his eyes, trying not to stare at the now very bare commander - in his full model-like glory - although his eyes willed, oh _willed,_ to look. From the corner of his eye, he can see him separating from his coffee before grabbing a pair of briefs, and Kaidan clears his throat. Suddenly he found the floorboards to be immensely interesting.

"You know, you broke one of the most important rules of a one night stand," John says, now pulling on his pants.

Never expect more? Don't assume the other participant is willing to stick around? Wear a condom? Don't get attached? He remembered the condom. Kaidan couldn't recall which one as he had literally broken three rules out of four.

To prevent the headache, he asks, "What's that?"

"The lips."

"Huh?"

"Never go for the lips," he says, and a frown crinkles Kaidan's brow. John pulls on a shirt. "I'd make a joke about 'not knowing where it's been,' but it's more complicated than that. It's... intimate. A red zone." _Too intimate for -_ "Too intimate for casual sex." _Exactly._

Winking at him, John says, "You're lucky I'm a good sport." He grabs his jacket and heads for the door. "Thanks for the company."

Kaidan reaches out to his side like a barricade. John stops then, cocking a brow at him, his gaze falling to the door before it returns to him. Placing a hand at the cloth above the firm muscle, John's abdomen, he gently pushes him back to face him. Nothing but confusion shrouds his features as he's eye-to-eye with a pair of synthetic-affected irises.

Then John froze.

"Shit... you're bringing me back to the hospital, aren't you?"

"What?" he asks, when John pulls away. "No, of course not! I'm -" He was pinned by an unwavering glare, but John didn't move, so he takes a deep breath - slowly blowing it out - and proceeds to explain at least a portion of it. "Okay, I -I admit that I haven't been completely honest with you, but that's not why I brought you here -"

John averts his eyes. "Fucking Christ..."

"Things wasn't going to happen like it did, but you kept pushing me, and I don't know what the hell I was supposed to do." John shakes his head in annoyance, beginning to move, but Kaidan grasps his arm and holds him back. "Look, this... this place. Does it seem familiar to you?"

"Okay, so -Who the _hell_ are you?" he asks, his voice dangerously close to the edge of shouting.

Without alarm, he stands put. "I'm Major Kaidan Alenko. We served together in 2183, caught a break for nearly three years, and then went back to serving together in 2186. My orders is to bring you back to the Citadel so the Alliance can keep an eye on you."

"Like hell you are." John tears free of his grip and makes a beeline for the exit, but the lock turns red. "Open the fucking door."

His voice was low, dangerous, and so not 'John.' Nevertheless, Kaidan wasn't even slightly moved by it, simply lowering his omni-tool. He had his orders and he sure as hell was going to follow through with them.

"I can't do that."

"You can't keep me here."

"I'm afraid I can. I'm a Spectre, allowed to use any means necessary."

John scowls. "Bullshit. There are no human Spectres."

"A lot has happened in 15 years." His breath gets stuck in his throat when John turns and takes a determined step towards him, in reaction activating his biotics. John stops short. "I'm not going to hurt you John, but if I have to subdue you, I won't hesitate." Blue eyes goes wide at the mention of his first name. "I know who you are, okay? You're Commander John Shepard. You grew up on Earth under extreme conditions, having to join up in gangs just to get by, as your parents are unheard of. Everything you know is that your mother's name was 'Hannah.' That's it."

He can see John's hands balling into fists.

Thank god he wasn't a biotic.

"You can't seriously be telling me that all that bullshit the eggheads proclaimed is true."

"I'm afraid I am," he replies, keeping it simple. John's jaw was locked tight as he kept him pinned with the same glare. He couldn't tell if he believed him or not. "You commanded this ship when you were with the Alliance. She's called the _SSV Normandy SR-2,_ a close copy to the _SR-1,_ being a prototype of a stealth frigate. If there's... _anything_ you can remember, just... let me know."

John explosively exhales a breath. "Fuck, I don't know, I don't -Yes. Something. Fucking _something,_ " he says, and the blue aura around Kaidan dissolves. _"Why_ the fuck does any of this matter?"

"Because you're the only one that knows what happened to the reapers."

"What's a fucking reaper?" he asks irritably, parting his arms. Kaidan doesn't waste a moment to pull up his omni-tool, showing him a miniature version of the ships design in holographic form.

John scowls. "You guys are hassling me about an overgrown fucking cockroach?"

"The reapers are ships that existed over 50,000 years ago only having come back recently to wipe out all organic life, just like they wiped out the protheans all those years ago, killing of every intelligent species that they see as a threat," he says, ignoring his assumption. "They're capable of massive destruction and influencing one's mind - persuade if you will - into working with them."

"Just shoot the fucker piloting it in the face, how hard can that be?"

Kaidan shakes his head. "It's not that simple. It's a machine, a sentient being, which doesn't have a captain maneuvering it," he replies. "Think of it as an AI. It's capable of self-thought. You destroyed them."

"So they're dead. Why do you need me?"

"Because in doing so you also wiped out all synthetic life. Some... pulse or something... and no one knows what caused it." John remains quiet then, and if his eyes weren't deceiving him, he could've sworn a faint interest lurked behind his slightly slacked posture. "After they attacked Earth, the galaxy cooperated into re-creating a huge weapon that was dubbed 'The Crucible,' although it wasn't finished. None of us knows what it did but the pulse most likely came from the device. Thing is, we don't know how it was activated. Admiral Anderson was with you."

John holds up a hand. "Wait, _David_ Anderson? If he was with me, why the hell don't you ask him? There's a small fucking chance that both of us got our brains fried. Probably do a better job at explaining anyways with that stick up his ass."

Of course he didn't know.

He finds himself swallowing. "Anderson is, uh... is MIA," he mutters. There was a fall in John's stoic features. "When they found you in London, they... they couldn't see any signs of him. If they did, well, they haven't said anything. Communications cut. That's, uh... that's another reason why your memory is crucial. It would tell us what happened to him - if he's still out there, or... yeah."

"So one of your veterans is missing in action, most likely KIA, that it? Why the fuck should I give a damn?" His body turns cold under John's relentless scowl. _What...?_ "Hell, I don't have the patience for this bullshit."

Snorting jeeringly, Kaidan says, "You... how can you say that? It's Anderson, he was -He was like a father to you."

"A jarhead from a news vid whose face I can barely remember?" he asks, waving a hand. "Listen, sweetheart. The Alliance has been nothing but a pain in my ass from day fucking one, constantly interfering and making my life a living hell. Good to be rid of him. One less of you to give a crap about. Just 'cause I was in the Alliance doesn't mean I got 'attached'," he says, with air quotes, "to any of 'em."

Kaidan was speechless. "That... who...?"

 _Who are you?_

Shocked by the reveal, he found his heart beating hard, underneath his ribs. He swallows.

"Either way..." Kaidan mutters, keeping his voice leveled. "Alliance branch gave me an order and I intend to follow through with it. They're also bound to find out if you were -" He stops then, clenching his jaw "...involved, with his death. This would be a lot easier if you simply cooperated."

John scoffs with a fleeting gaze as hands falls to his hips.

"Let me guess..." he says, turning back. "...'anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law'."

"I'm a marine, not a cop."

"Yeah, well..." he murmurs, his voice lowered as he approaches him. Kaidan's breath get stuck in his throat. He was dangerously close now. John's eyes glowered. "You're going to have to lock me up either way, officer."


	38. Ch 38: Infiltration

**Chapter 38: Infiltration**

* * *

" _You have come a long way since Mars, have you not?" - Liara T'Soni_

Liara locates a backup disk for EDI, Shepard has a dirty mouth, Ryan finds something interesting and Kaidan is slowly losing his sanity (not really, but hey.)

* * *

 **A/N, TRIGGER WARNING:** Again, more smut... it's _very_ brief, though. Also, mentions of prostitution. **PS:** You might notice that I've gone from present-tense to past-tense. I felt like it flew better. I hope it doesn't seem confusing.

* * *

"He's infuriating!" Kaidan calls, only to receive a look of compassion from Liara who had stopped by Starboard Observation to check up on him. She had put the rebuilding of Thessia on hold when learning about John.

He gingerly rubs his temple. "Hell, I don't know what to do here..."

"There is always a way," she reassures him, her voice firm as she sat. "Unfortunately, neither of us knew him 15 years ago, so we have to look to a different alternative. I think our best chance is to find someone from Shepard's past."

"I mean, I -I could get access to his files, but..."

"There is no need," she says, shaking her head. "I have already scoured them out, but there is barely anything about his past. After doing some digging, I found out that his files have been cleared." For good reason. Liara gives him a fixated look and he knows exactly where she's going with it. "Kaidan, if there is anything you know about this - about Shepard - please tell me. It might as well be crucial."

"Even if I did, it won't do us any good. Shepard ran with a crowd that later wanted him dead. Neither of them are going to be willing to help."

"Then we will force them to help."

"Christ, Liara..." he breathes.

"Do you want him back or not?"

Letting his hands drop to his hips, he averts his eyes, his brows drawing together. He already knew the answer to that question. Of course he wanted him back. There was nothing else he'd rather do.

"All right," he mutters, meeting a gaze offering him a promise to keep it under wraps. "Shepard grew up an orphan on the streets with no one to care for him. Some of the eastside gangs took him in, fed and housed him until he turned 7, old enough to prove himself if he was 'worth' their resources. They sent him out to spy on other rival gangs and return intel on them. Up through the years, he drifted from gang to gang, until he eventually ended up in the Tenth Street Reds.

"When he came of the age of 10, he - the Reds - gave him different jobs involving far more illegal activities," he adds. "Selling red sand, fraud, theft... murder. He remained in the Reds and got connections with a guy named Finch and another who went by the name of Curt Weisman. His boss... I think his name was Jericho... eventually sent him on his final mission only weeks before he joined the Alliance."

"In all my years, I never would have thought... how he has endured all this, is..." There was a glisten in her eyes. "This is good. I have three names to look into. Whether or not they survived the war... we can only hope. Is there anyone else?"

"None of them that are still around," he mutters. "You have Anderson, of course, but we both know that's no longer an option. There's still no word from him." He falls into a pause. "Shepard - he, ah... he had a boyfriend at 17. Ace. Ace Hunt. He was assigned to a squad where Shepard's target was located, ended up between them, so he had to... Shepard had to take him down."

"Goddess..."

"He wasn't alone, though. Finch and Curt was with him, so if he hesitated... god knows what they would've done to him," he breathes. "There's one more name. Aaron. He was around 7 years old at the time, so he's got to be... 22 today, if he's still around. Shepard had been sent to 'take care of' him, but when discovering his young age, he refused. Jericho eventually found out. That's why the Reds turned on him."

She smiles sadly. "This will help a great deal," she says, although her smile falters. "But how are you, Kaidan? Truly?"

 _Something tells me I'll be answering that question a lot._

"I'm managing," he replies, staring out the large window. "I've kept myself busy with jobs from the Council. Helps getting my mind off of things." He offers her a small smile. "You haven't really rested yourself, have you?"

"There is too much to be done. After returning from Earth, I despised the notion of simply doing nothing, so I have been using my resources to see if there is any way to bring artificial intelligences back," she says. "EDI, in particular."

"Is that even possible?"

"Yes, I am certain of it. It will take some time, but we will be able to rebuild everything we have lost," she replies. "After the relays were destroyed, my resources have been limited, and 92 percent of the Shadow Broker's clients has stopped checking in. Thankfully, the number has reduced to 65. I have been scouring the available resources for information about a backup disk, but most of Cerberus' files are encrypted. It will take some time to crack them. If she has one, then yes, we can get her back exactly as she was." Her eyes lights up. "If we manage to retrieve EDI's databanks..."

Liara stands and begins pacing.

"EDI has been the ship's AI for a while now, and has recordings from the ship, which may be able to trigger Shepard's memories! Maybe I can use the device I created with Glyph and attach the recordings to it," she explains, putting a palm before the other. "In that way, the recordings could play, and sensors can catch up sounds to determine exactly where the sounds are coming from - create a holographic interface - and play them out.

"Like... like a vid!" she calls, turning back to him in a quick motion. She barges into a halt when she sees the stunned expression before her. A faint blush fills her cheeks. "I am sorry... my scientific curiosity got ahold of me again."

Kaidan blinks, unable to contain the amused smile. "No worries, Liara. That... that's a good idea. Really."

"I will not need much time to see this done, only a couple days at most," she says, fidgeting with her hands. "I will work on it during downtime to track down the backup disk for EDI so no time is lost."

"If we can get both Shepard's memories and EDI back... things are looking up."

She smiles. "You have come a long way since Mars, have you not?" she asks, slight humor in her tone.

 _Tell me about it._

"If there's anything I can do in terms of Spectre restrictions - get you through checkpoints or anything - just ask," he says. "I still have to take care of those outposts, so I can't join you, but I'll do whatever I can on the sideline."

"I will get started right away." Her voice softens. "Meanwhile, do take care of yourself."

"Same goes to you," he says, but as Liara's about to leave, he hesitates. "Uh... Liara. Wait a minute. Did, uh... did Miranda debrief you about Harbinger at all?"

"Yes, she did. It is curious. I do not understand it."

"After all the trouble that Shepard went through to bring down the reapers, I don't understand why the damn thing would risk him getting to the beam at all."

She cocks a brow. "You believe it was intentional?"

"I do."

"How so?"

Feeling winded, he says, "I... I don't know, I just... I've seen the final run towards the beam before my eyes a million times by now, and I can't help but suspect that Harbinger didn't _want_ to kill him. Just hurt him. Badly." He can see Liara's eyes going wide as the question coated her expression. "The beam was never closer to us than about ten feet. However, immediately when Garrus and I got even remotely separated from Shepard, Harbinger targeted both of us with all its force, sending us further and further away from Shepard.

"Thing is, when we managed to catch up to the commander and rendezvous with _Normandy,_ it just... stopped firing."

"That is... very strange, indeed," she says, brows pinched together. "Perhaps Harbinger was still trying to indoctrinate him? A man with Shepard's willpower could be a great asset, just as Saren was, as he has resisted their hold for so long."

Kaidan grimaces. "So it allowed him to get _that_ close just to turn him around? Christ, the reapers are cockier than I thought."

"Well, they did call themselves the 'vanguards of our destruction,' did they not?" she asks, with a small quirk of her lips. The smile shortly dissolves however, back to the compassionate look, before she takes his hands in her own. "I am sorry, Kaidan. I wish there was anything I could say to ease your worries, but I promise you, we _will_ get to the bottom of all this. I will look into it."

He manages a small smile. "Thanks. Look, I... I didn't mean to keep you, I just -"

"Kaidan, please, you are my friend." She puts a heavier pressure on his hands with a beaming smile. "Whatever I can do to help, I will be more than glad to listen for as long as you wish. Do not hesitate to call upon me. Remember that you are not in this alone."

 _I know I'm not._

But hearing it helped.

* * *

Kaidan's talk with Liara had cooled him down somewhat, so he eventually took a deep breath, and began working his way to deck one.

The door falls with a *whoosh* and accepts the access code that allows him in. His gaze trails to the bed to see John laying back-down with his legs spread, a forearm draped over his eyes, half-asleep. Skidding over to the dark hoodie thrown over the office chair, pulling it up, he's only to let out a long sigh and leave it as it is. The N7-logo was lighting up like a beacon. They had just docked at the Citadel and John couldn't draw any attention to himself when they headed out. He had to think of something else.

"I'll be back in a bit," Kaidan murmurs, not allowing any reply before he disappears into the elevator.

After he had given the command of the _Normandy,_ he'd moved most of his stuff up and out of Starboard Observation.

When he first went aboard the ship, after the Citadel coup, he didn't have much time to pack. John had allowed him to use his clothes, as their build was quite similar, so it wasn't really a problem that the only clothes he himself had was the ones on his back. John later admitted that he found Kaidan wearing his clothes... hot - something about "a flag on a conquered land" - so who was he to take that away from him?

He fumbles through the drawer until he finds his only hoodie, coated in the color grey, stacked neatly near the bottom.

Kaidan wasn't really a big-time-consumer of hoodies as he favored his army fatigues. It seemed pointless for it to take up space, so he left it there. He had bought some clothes of his own after a time, and even if he missed smelling like John, it couldn't stay like that forever. Of course, his mom had gotten wind of it, making sure that he brought 'something warm.' That resulted in that very hoodie.

A fond smile surfaces his lips.

He hadn't been able to visit after the war, but he spoke to her regularly over the phone, each conversation ending with some variation of the phrase 'come visit soon, son. I miss you.' He planned to, but first, he needed to deal with this whole Cerberus ordeal. He'd told her about John's amnesia in one of their talks, but as he had never informed her about their relationship, she didn't understand how much energy it took out of him.

She had her own to grieve.

There hadn't been any word from his dad. Months had passed since after he was reported MIA, so Kaidan had come to terms with it, but John's amnesia was still fresh. He felt guilty not telling her about him, as John was his whole world, but there was never any time.

Now, he might never.

Flagging off the thought, he returns to the cabin. John is in the in the very same position as if he hasn't even acknowledged his absence. Nevertheless, he quickly shoots up with a puzzled look when Kaidan launches the hoodie at him.

"Put it on. We're leaving."

* * *

If there was one thing that Shepard never imagined he'd do, it was to lose 15 whole years of memories, only to find out that he was suddenly in cahoots with those very guys that had his ass locked up in the first place. He'd gone from drug traffickers to jarheads. From street gangs to the Alliance. One big fucking irony. He'd spent more time that he could count behind bars and felt cold metal strapped around his wrists, his cheek pressed to the hood of a dozen cop cars, wanting to laugh at how the hell he managed to get out of their blacklist. There was a possibility that the head of office was one an idiot.

Shepard had stuffed his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans as he was closely trailing the Alliance major. Alenko. He looked like a guy that would rather be on the front page of 'Badass Weekly,' advertising underwear, than on the front lines in a galactic war. He was the typical rich-kid. Dressed nicely, hair always well-styled, perfect facial and body features. Typical 'by the book' and 'wouldn't do anything wrong.'

Certainly took him by surprise that he was willing to go fuck a stranger.

He quickly averts his eyes when he's given a look over one of Kaidan's broad shoulders. His eyes surveys the prestigious local, taking in his surroundings, only to feel a twinge in his gut. Uncomfortable. Out of place. Lost. All those sensations hit him like the force of police brutality. The place was definitely expensive, a damn palace compared to the streets, and he knew. He knew he didn't belong here.

The only reason he cooperated was because he didn't know what the hell to do with himself.

He didn't have a home so he had nowhere to go. His first thought was to bail when the jarheads turned their backs, but when they finally did... hell, there wasn't much he could do about an endless black void as he stared out the window. Many would find it to be a dream come true to see space, a new frontier, but he wasn't one of them. He needed ground beneath his boots. Fucking gravity.

Like hell if he was going to be stuck on a damn ship longer than necessary.

So he cooperated.

His shoulders had been slumped as they walked, his eyes dull, having lit another cigarette on the way over. Lightly chewing on the tip, he's careful maneuvering his mouth not to ruin it, hands balling into fists beneath the blue jeans fabric.

A frown breaches his brow as he sees the clear-lensed device, a light blinking, placed quaintly near the top of the door.

"Great, 'cause a bunch of jarheads watching me take a piss is exactly what I need."

Kaidan pulls out his omni-tool. "It's just the outside that's under camera surveillance. No audio."

"So, what, fucking motion sensors?"

"That's... classified."

Shepard stumps his smoke on the closest wall, letting it drop. "'Course it is," he murmurs, intentionally letting the breath of his light scoff traverse down Kaidan's neck. He saw muscles tensing at the gesture. _Let's have some fun._ "So if I said what I want to do to you right here in this hallway," he adds, pressing up against his back, hearing his now shallow breathing "...it'd just be heard by the two of us, that it?"

Kaidan clears his throat. "That's the idea."

"Then what if I told you that I'd pin you to the wall and have my wicked way with you?" he purrs, lips ghosting his ear. "That I'd rip your clothes off, garment by garment, not giving a damn as the stitches are torn open - run my tongue against the length of your spine - until I slip a hand down the front of your pants, bend you over, making you moan at the top of your lungs as I fuck you sore like the good little soldier you are -"

" _Access denied."_

Shepard purses his mouth. "I think you got the wrong code, major."

Blowing hard through his nose, Kaidan simply tries the door access code again, Shepard's gaze falling to his almost steady hands. A small smirk plays on his lips but he didn't keep it longer than about two seconds.

The door pushes open and Shepard doesn't waste a moment to pass him, hands still buried deep in his pockets, stepping inside. He spins on his heel while making a quick examination of the compartment. The place was fucking huge as well as open. You only had to look right to locate the kitchen. Tilting his head aside, his gaze drifts to a rather open space behind a middle wall, looking like a mural had only recently been put down. He would've guessed it was a family portrait, but then he remembered who he was, and that he had been told that the place was apparently his.

The Reds was the only family he had ever known and he was glad. That's of course until they find out about backing out from that job if they hadn't already. Had he cut all ties? Was he exposed or was he still in the clear fifteen years later? Was his people still around?

"Where's the phone?" Shepard asks.

"People are going to ask questions if they see this number being in use, Shepard. It's going to draw attention. We can't take that chance."

"Oh, for fuck's... do _you_ have a phone, then?"

He sees Kaidan blink. "Yeah, sure," he says, and reaches for his back pocket. He fishes up the device, before handing it over. Shepard snatches it from his hands and furiously types the number before bringing it to his ear.

One beep. Two beeps. Three beeps... it went on like that.

" _This number is out of service."_

Shepard goes quiet and begins to pace, typing the same number again, only to get the same response. Frowning into a halt, he lowers the phone before meeting Kaidan's eye.

"Where's Ace?"

The answer didn't come immediately but the look he gave him told him that he didn't want to know.

"He, ah..." he tries, lids fluttering shut. "15 years ago... an Alliance mission to take care of a splinter group belonging to a terrorist organization - Cerberus - went FUBAR. Lieutenant Ace Hunt was assigned to the squad to bring them down."

The warmth of his body abandons him as quickly as the question was answered. He can feel his abdomen churn, the pain in his chest making it seem like he had taken a stab wound to an artery.

Shepard swallows, before scoffing. "So, what..." he begins, a feigned smile of disbelief on his lips, although his shaky voice gave him away. He gives the phone back. "These... these Cerberus guys killed him?"

"Not exactly," he mutters.

"Then who?"

"John -"

" _Who_ the fuck was it?" he repeats, the glistening in his eyes apparent. The rage was burning inside him. His hand was balled into a fist. Then there was a sudden stab in his head. Shepard lets out a muffled, pained cry, deep from his throat as he takes after the bridge of his nose.

#

 _/"Move the fuck out of the way, Ace. Now. This doesn't involve you."/_

 _/"I'm afraid it does. I'm not moving, Shepard. You're going to have to shoot me."/_

 _/"Dammit, Ace!"/_

 _/"Pull the fucking trigger, Shep!"/_

 _/*Gunshot*/_

#

"John?" he tries as he steps forward, registering the panic in his voice. Shepard flails up his hand, taking a step back. Kaidan stops short, looking at him with wide eyes beaming with concern.

Was that...? No... it couldn't...

Shepard guides a palm across his face, stopping before his mouth, pupils unfocused as he stares at the floor before him. His whole body was shaking lightly, his breathing more irregular. He tries to keep a deadpan look when he meets his eye, but he knew that his own were wide and puffy, his mouth somewhat agape but hidden beneath his palm that he slowly lets drop.

"I'm sorry, Shepard," he mutters, his husky voice soft.

And with that, Kaidan left.

* * *

Kaidan found himself at the Citadel, arms positioned at a banister, overlooking the Presidium Commons.

Leaving John in that state had left a bitter taste in his mouth. He wanted to reach out and embrace him, hold him tight, give him a lover's comfort that he so desperately needed. But he couldn't. He couldn't because he knew he was still a stranger to him.

John's brittle tone had burrowed into his chest like a million thorn bushes. There was only one time in his whole life that he had seen him like that. Broken and shivering. After the fall of Thessia, John had told him that he was scared, and collapsed in his arms when he reminded him of his promise. He felt a physical pain when seeing the expression that had been completely tapped from all hope.

It was too much to bear.

He should've been back in the traverse by now, but what just happened simply held him back, and he found his gaze fixed on Apollo's Café with those flashy ads having his six. It was emptier than he remembered. Most people had retreated back to their homeworlds in search of their families, as more and more relays became available to them, and that left the Citadel mostly deserted.

"There's a face I didn't expect to see again so soon."

Pushing from the banister, Kaidan turns, eyes widening only to soften again as he sees whom it was walking towards him. Ryan. They would head out to clear the second outpost in about an hour from now.

Kaidan manages a smile. "That goes both way, LT."

"I was just about to get a drink. Why don't you join me? I'm buying."

He wouldn't say 'no' to that.

There were only a couple tables occupied at Apollo's, one of them with what appeared to be of a turian and quarian couple, having to hold back the small smile that was bound to break through. It reminded him of Garrus and Tali. The two had settled back on the _Normandy_ and tried to get in contact with the rest of the crew, Kaidan having heard that Garrus got ahold of Vega, who had just recently been on Earth and located his uncle to catch up. He had joined the N7 program, and judging by his chipper tone when contacted, it was going well.

"So what brings you to the Citadel?" Kaidan asks, tearing his eyes away from the couple and sits down.

"I've been attempting to get in contact with Barla Von to see if there was any Cerberus intel that he had stored away," he replies, and slides into a chair. "After everything that's been happening lately, I've done some digging, found out he's an agent of the Shadow Broker - thought I'd try to get something out of him. That guy ain't cheap, and I'm not exactly swimming in paychecks."

"Tell me about it," he murmurs, recalling back to 2183. John had asked a couple simple questions but he didn't budge. "Found anything?"

Ryan leans back. "I did, actually," he says, keeping his voice low. "Witnesses back on Earth reported that they could've sworn they saw Commander Shepard at some bar in London." Kaidan's breath got stuck in his throat. "Funny enough, they also mentioned _you."_

His heart bad begun beating rapidly as he was fixated with an intense - but somehow also soft - gaze.

The panic that had built up in his chest couldn't have shown on his face, because Ryan's expression didn't change. He looked curious, more than anything. There was just something about him that made him trust him. Still, he couldn't simply listen to what his gut was telling him.

 _Why would Liara tell him about John in the first place?_

"Shepard's MIA. We all know that. There must've been a bug in the system."

"You're dedicated, I'll give you that. I'm impressed," he says, and smiles - genuine and open. "You don't have to keep up the act, sir. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. Admiral Hackett debriefed me after I confronted him about the information."

Careful with his words, he asks, "What did he tell you?"

"Just about everything," he says, and shrugs. "His memory loss, his transfer to the Citadel... yeah." The small smile slowly dissolves. "The Alliance hasn't brought it up to the media yet, but while I was there... Hackett also mentioned that the evac squad found another body close to where Shepard was located. Gunshot to the gut, but no one knows who fired. They, uh... they quickly identified him."

Anderson.

"I, uh... I personally knew Davi -" Ryan stops. "Anderson." Kaidan's expression softens. Ryan ducks his head with a half-hearted chuckle. "All the way up to be calling him 'David,' I guess," he continues, voice raw with emotion. "Hell, I think he was a father-figure to many of us. He meant a great deal to a lot of people."

Kaidan could swear he had the taste of blood in his mouth.

He could only imagine how John would've reacted to the news. Just the thought was enough to evoke every unpleasant feeling, deep in his own chest, knowing that he himself took the news badly. He had just recently re-learned about Ace, and now Anderson, too? Anderson was a father to John. He had been there when he needed him the most, gotten him out of the worst jams, saving him from a life of crime. His closeness with John was enough to hit him where it hurt. John was Kaidan's family and so was Anderson because of it. But Ryan didn't need to know that.

"I'm sorry for your loss," he says instead.

Ryan shakes his head. "I'm fine, but I appreciate the thought," he replies, and snorts. "Still, Shepard's alive and that's... certainly good to hear. Really. He's done a lot, and we could all use some good news -"

"Hi, do you need a menu?" a feminine voice interrupts him.

Kaidan looks up to see the waiter balancing five glasses on a platter. It was the same waiter that he and John had during their sanity check. She stops when she sees him, narrowing her eyes slightly while tilting her head, giving him a thorough look-over. He feels the heat raise in his cheeks.

Her expression softens again. "Oh... I recognize you. You certainly get around, sir."

Kaidan blinks. "I... what?"

"We're not together, ma'am," Ryan breaks in, with a kind smile on his lips. It wasn't before his comment that Kaidan realized what the woman had suggested. "Just colleagues having a chat. Nothing more."

"Ah, I see," she replies, returning the smile. "So, coffee?"

"Yeah, I'll take a cappuccino," he replies, before turning to Kaidan. "How about you, huh?"

Kaidan snorts. "Just coffee, thanks."

She nods and pivots on her heel.

"The hell was that?" Ryan asks, amused.

"I, uh... about half a year ago, I had dinner here with my -" he says, only to stop himself. "With my... ex, I guess." The realization hit him somewhat harder than he would've thought. "It's complicated."

He didn't say it was John. Hell, he didn't need the coddling. He didn't need the, 'I'm sorry for your loss' speech.

"Well, I ain't going to pry," he replies, putting his arms at the table and leaning forward. There was a fall in his expression. "Hey, I know it's probably classified, but... how's Shepard doing?"

That was a sudden change of topic.

Kaidan sighs. "He's managing, all things considered," he says, before falling into a pause. "I, uh... I had him transferred about 30 mikes ago. He's... pretty confused. I remember asking him about the _Normandy,_ and he found it somewhat familiar, but not enough to put too fine a point on it." He frowns slightly. "Back in the apartment, he, uh... he asked about someone who's been dead for 15 years."

He can see Ryan's jaw clenching as he ducks his head. "How, uh... how'd he take it?"

"Bad."

Ryan nods solemnly. "I imagine."

"He's... different, though," Kaidan adds.

"Different how?"

"As in, 'I don't give a crap about anything,' different. He's acting like a jackass."

Ryan lets out a chuckle. "Yeah, that's... yeah," he mutters, seeming lost in thought. He clears his throat. "I'm sure he means well, though. Hiding behind a bad-boy persona? It's pretty usual. He's jumped back quite a few years, so that's expected, having... de-matured."

"I guess you could call it that."

"You two close?"

 _Was._

"Serving together for nearly two years has a way of bringing people together," he replies, not going into detail. "We experienced Eden Prime, Artemis Tau, Noveria, Feros, Virmire and Ilos together. I saw when he was first touched by the beacon and stayed with him as we headed for the Citadel transport beam." He cringes. "Mostly, anyhow. We, uh... we had a fall-out before he took the fight to the collectors."

Horizon.

"I heard about that. I don't blame you for walking away. Shepard can be... brash," he says. "Anyways, all that heavy stuff aside... I'm glad I ran into you. There's something I wanted your opinion on. It's about those Cerberus outposts."

Kaidan arches a brow. "Oh?"

They get their hands on their coffee, the waiter winking at them with an "enjoy the drinks," before leaving them to their conversation.

"Let me inform you why I hauled your ass over here in the first place." Ryan brings up the live map that they had transferred over to their omni-tools. "I promise, this'll be quick. I won't take much of your time."

Kaidan shakes his head. "Really, it's no big deal. I'm in no hurry. You said it was about those outposts?"

"Yeah, I decided to look into it. I found something pretty interesting," he replies, and Kaidan eyes the map brought up before him. "When we obtained that map on Sanctum, it transmitted this weird pulse - this signal. I could feel the atmosphere changing. It seemed... unusual."

"I haven't really thought much about it," he says, leaning in. "What did you find?"

Sighing, he says, "Nothing solid - yet - but I managed to trace the signal. Almost found its sender. The signal went through Omega Nebula, the galactic core until finally ending up in Horse Head. Thing is, that's where it stops. I couldn't find a direct location. Something's causing interference."

He had to admit that he himself couldn't shake the feeling of it being more to all this. Cerberus was advanced, no doubt, Kai Leng being proof enough. The bastard had after all managed to move freely within the systems thanks to their technology. If it wasn't for that tracker that Miranda planted, it would've taken weeks just to find him, even within one specific star cluster. The interference part still confused him, though, as they never found out how Kai Leng did it.

Those interferences could've been caused by several things. Metallic asteroids or iron, geomagnetic storms, et cetra. Still, he was positive that Cerberus couldn't control those things. They were advanced, yes, but not _that_ advanced.

"If you don't stop frowning like that, it's certainly going to leave a permanent mark."

He snaps back at the sound of Ryan's modulated voice, didn't realized that he had completely trailed off, as he often did. He looks up to see the lieutenant with his arms crossed, propped to the table, a suspicious smile playing on his lips.

Kaidan clears his throat. "Sorry, I do that. It's a lot to ingest, you know?"

"You're lucky you're cute, major."

He chuckles, feeling the blush creeping up beneath his collar, shaking his head.

He felt comfortable in Ryan's presence, a needed support as the rest of his life was going to shit, and he reminded him of himself in several ways. Kaidan didn't mind his light flirting and teasing as it was obvious that he wasn't going anywhere with it. The two had developed a pretty close bond during everything that had been happening. Nothing romantic, of course, but he appreciated it either way.

Kaidan loved John - he always would - and he wasn't going to give up on him.

Not for anything.

"It's... definitely unusual, yeah." He clasps the cup between his palms. "It could be Cerberus tech. It's... possible that they don't want us to find something. Maybe there's another Sanctuary. Or another outpost."

"They're pretty advanced, so I wouldn't be surprised," Ryan replies. "I'm no scientist, but I suspect that those other outposts might have a similar device that can transmit the same signal. A... transmitting beacon, kind of. If at least three of 'em have the same sender, we could use three-dimensional particle tracking algorithms, find out _exactly_ where that signal comes from."

A slow smile spreads on Kaidan's lips. "'I'm no scientist,' he says, and then he mentions three-dimensional particle tracking?"

Ryan grins. "Hey, I'm educated. I know a little," he says, shrugging. In amusement, Kaidan shakes his head. "Look, we've got a dozen outpost, here. We only need three coexisting signals to find a match."

"Seriously, Wright. This is captain-rank stuff. How the hell are you still a lieutenant?"

"I got relieved from duty after an injury," he replies. "Alliance brass wanted to promote me while I was absent, give me a paycheck, but I refused –- didn't find it fair. Still, I wasn't too keen on rising in rank. Dealing with all the political bullshit isn't my kinda thing."

"Either way... good catch. Really. I'll make sure to inform the team to keep an eye out for another transmitting beacon."

* * *

Kaidan felt like he was going crazy.

Lightly chewing on the tip of a marker, he touches his temple and a small frown creases his brow, looking down at the numbers on the data pad as his feet were thrown up on the office table. The second outpost they had cleared out did actually share the same signal, but the third didn't, so he started looking for other options. They had nine more outposts to go, so he was mostly optimistic, because what Ryan said made sense. Sanctum appeared to act as a command center - and the rest of the outposts needed a way to communicate through each other - but the scale was too small.

There had to be a bigger base of operations.

He had a lot of headaches lately thanks to stress but was blessed to only suffer one migraine in a whole month. Kaidan was still somewhat woozy as the painkillers he had earlier taken finally started kicking in, so when the pain died somewhat down, he immediately went to work.

Hearing the rustling of sand, he peeks up from below his lashes, marker still in mouth.

Sir Cuddlesworth Lightyear - quaintly named by John - was scurrying around in the glass container. Looking at the hamster now, the hurried pace, quick breaths and short lifespan, he couldn't help but notice that yes, the hamster _did_ remind him of the salarians. Lightyear also reminded him of John. Impulsive, quick, easily startled. Kaidan had nicknamed him 'Boo' because of it. He lets out a low chuckle. It was ridiculous.

Straightening up in his chair, he throws the pad aside, reaching over.

"So what do you think, huh?" he asks with a sigh, lightly scratching its scruff. "I'm faced with three major problems right now. First there's this Cerberus thing, Harbinger's intentions, and now John... hell, I can't get a break. What would you do if your boyfriend had amnesia?"

Lightyear makes a squeaking sound.

 _I'm talking to a hamster,_ he thinks, crinkling his nose. _I'm definitely going crazy._

Something mentally hits him.

Three-dimensional particle tracking wasn't the only way to find an exact location. If they could locate and destroy the interference, the signals wouldn't be interrupted, and it would save them a lot of time. Nevertheless, the scanners hadn't picked up anything unusual in the Horse Head Nebula, so Cerberus must've jammed the area. Either that, or they weren't looking in the right place.

Kaidan pulls up his omni-tool, lines it up, and uses the fish tank as a projector for the map to show the Milky Way.

Taking the marker out of his mouth, he approaches the glass, separating the cap from the rest to free the ink. Both signals were headed towards the Horse Head Nebula, so yes, that was indeed the place.

"Joker."

The speakers chimes. _"Yeah?"_

"Can you do a scan on the coordinates I sent you?"

" _Uh... why?"_

"Just do it."

" _All right, all right - don't get your panties in a twist, Captain Planet."_ Kaidan can't help but smile. Joker was slowly but surely coming back to them. _"Okay, yeah, that's weird. Some kind of interference. Judging by its size, I think it's a solar flare."_

Gotcha.

"Thanks."

" _Uh... you're welcome?"_ he replies, and it goes silent. _"Hello? Yeah, I'm kinda expecting an explanation, here. Kaidan, hell, are you feeling okay? 'Cause you've been in there for hours and I haven't seen you in, like, days. You've been under a lot of stress lately, and you sound just a teeny tiny bit grumpy as you approach this thing."_

"I'm great, Joker - but thanks for asking. Send the location over and I'll update you later."

Joker sighs. _"Yeah, sure, whatever,"_ he says, and Kaidan can practically hear him shaking his head. _"As I said, you've been in there for hours. Lieutenant Wright is currently on his way to come check on you if you're still, you know, conscious and breathing or something."_

"Good. He'll want to hear this."

The speakers goes silent, and Kaidan brings the marker to the tank, beginning to draw the solar flare in its spot as Joker had given him the exact location. His thumb accidentally brushes against one of the circles.

That's when he realizes that it was a permanent marker.

 _Oh, for Christ's sake..._

Somewhat frantically, he flails over to the restroom where he turns on the sink. Coating a couple layers of paper, he wraps them around each other before hurrying back. Bringing the paper to the glass, he begins to curse internally, as the marker had dried enough to avoid water. Increasing the pressure, he rubs harder, to no avail. Sighing loudly, he lets his hand drop, accepting his defeat.

He came eye-to-eye with a Thessian sunfish.

"Don't look at me like that. You could've warned me, you know? This isn't going away, so you better get used to it."

The fish simply looks at him. Unable to avoid the restless stare, Kaidan escalates his hand and draws a sad smiley face on the other side of the glass, grinning in accomplishment as the fish swims away.

 _Argument won._

"I would suggest isopropyl alcohol," comes an amused voice, and his attention snaps to the doorway. "Bau ordered me to come get you, but... you seem, uh... occupied? I know it's not my place, but could you please elaborate why you're talking to a fish and drawing circles on the tank? I find myself intrigued, but... also kinda worried. You okay?"

Kaidan hesitates. "I, uh..." he says, and points to his 'artwork.' "This..."

"A map of the Milky Way." With a frown, Ryan steps up to it with a curious gaze before his eyes rests at the projected map. "Wait, is that... the signals we picked up?" he asks, and Kaidan nods "...and what are these circles?"

Kaidan grabs the data pad again. "The last outpost didn't share the same signal, so I've tried to locate the disturbance itself," he replies, handing the pad over. "So far, we've only got two signals that stops in the Horse Head Nebula. I had the _Normandy_ do a scan. Think of it as a signal tracker. It beeps faster and faster the closer it gets, and at each beep, it marks a spot. Nevertheless, the interface is disturbed, so there are several spots marked. However, some of the locations has been marked several times. 46 beeps marks a completely proportional circle in under 5 mikes."

Ryan blinks. "Okay, you lost me."

"Sorry. How I did it isn't really important, but thanks to the scan, I've found out where the disturbance is," he replies, and Ryan cocks a brow. "Right here." He taps his finger to the location. "It's a solar flare."

"Well, shit... that complicates things. If it was an asteroid, we could've blow it up and cleared the signal. Can't do much about a solar flare, though."

Kaidan sighs. "So we're back on square one. I guess three-dimensional particle tracking is our only option now."

* * *

Shepard tossed the empty wrapper of an energy-bar into a small waste receptacle besides the kitchen counter.

He had never been particularity good when it came to cooking, his last remembered attempt ending in calling the fire department, so he figured it'd be best not to burn the damn place down. Cooking was rocket-science in his eyes. Sure, he could make the easiest dishes, but days consisting of that and Chinese tended to wear out over time.

Ace was a way better cook, but then again, his only flaw appeared to be trusting too easily, always giving people a second chance no matter how fucked up they were.

Shepard remember that he found him naïve, but he was also more than capable of defending himself, far too mature for his own age. His father had a thing for Krav Maga, and with that in mind, he taught his son. Everyone loved him, his sister practically worshipped him, and he was always on good terms with the higher-ups. He was a 'by the book' kind of guy and always followed orders with no questions asked. Hooking up with a gang member certainly wasn't part of his plan, and hell, Shepard knew he hated himself for it.

Fucking _Romeo and Juliet_ in a nutshell only that both happened to be guys.

#

 _/"Can't we just order pizza?"_

 _Ace laughed. "For thanksgiving?" he asked, and briefly looked up from the data pad. "My mother would throw a fit."_

 _"Well, she ain't here."_

 _"Say she finds out... You would want me to lie to her?" Shepard just shrugged as an answer. He didn't get the chance to reply before Ace took the cigarette out of his mouth. "Shep, I told you." He stumped it in the tray. "No smoking inside."_

 _Shepard grinned. "Bossy."_

 _"I've got to keep you leashed."_

 _"I bet you do. Shit, I knew you were into BDSM," Shepard murmured, and circled around him. Ace made a displeased sound in the middle of his unimpressed scoff when Shepard bit into his neck from behind. He felt his muscles tense under his hold when he wrapped arms around his waist. Working his mouth down his neck, he pressed up against him, making him aware of his growing erection._

 _Ace cleared his throat. "Shep," he warned, but his breath hitched when his hand moved lower. "John!"_

 _The pad fell to the floor when Shepard slipped a hand down his pants and took him in hand, chuckled softly when Ace grabbed his wrist and quickly moved it away. The way Ace's face flushed made him grin even bigger._

 _"If you keep this up, neither of us are going to eat," he added, and motioned to the sizzling frying pan._

 _"Pull down your pants and I'll prove you otherwise..."_

 _He coughed out a laugh when Ace nudged an elbow into his abdomen. Shepard was still behind him, so he couldn't see his face, but he knew he was trying to hold back a smile._

 _"You're horrible." Ace shot him a look over his shoulder, a mischievous spark in his green eyes._

 _"You know me."_

 _"Tell you what, Chief." Ace turned in his hold and pushed him aside. He bent down and picked up the data pad, giving a wondrous display of his ass. "Let me finish up here," he said, waving the report. "10 minutes, tops... then come find me."_

 _Shepard smirked. "Yes, sir."_

 _Ace rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless._

 _It didn't take long before he had Ace's back pressed to the bedroom wall and his tongue down his throat. His hands were at his grey granddad shirt, the cloth separated from his jeans, pulled up to reveal a fragment of the firm muscle that was his abdomen. A moan slipped through Ace's soft lips. Sucking in a sharp breath through his nose, he pressed up harder, fighting the urge to take him right there as the bulge by his thigh grew bigger. Shepard fumbled with his hands to pull the shirt off over his head, proving difficult as he tried to keep the contact between them._

 _The calloused hand in his hair retracted when the shirt was halfway up his chest, and when he yanked the cloth off, arms enveloped his neck. Shepard caught another guttural moan that had his head to cartwheels, his pants tighter as he rubbed up against him. He twined his index fingers through his belt loops, Ace's hips arched up against him as he pulled, feeling his full length as he dominated his mouth. His heart was beating, hard and erratic, silently begging him to rip those clothes off and throw him into the bed._

 _Ace was, and had always been, the submissive type._

 _Their 'thing' had started off as a quick guilt-fuck, which went against Ace's every view, but he had currently been recovering from a failed relationship - and a friend had been pushy into getting him laid - while he was drunk off his ass._

 _To Shepard, he was just another client, and a fucking hot one at that._

 _He didn't expect to fall in love./_

#

Shepard's eyes slammed shut as he felt his eyes watering again.

If it wasn't for him, Ace would still be alive, and the truth never got any easier to fathom. He didn't deserve to be pulled into all that shit that he put him through, but as egoistic as Shepard was at the time, he didn't even consider the repercussions of their relationship. It had only been a matter of time before the Reds found out about him and ordered a hit. The worst part was knowing who took the shot.

Only fragments of his memories had come back, and he couldn't make sense out of most of them, so he had never before felt more lost.

He didn't know what was reality, what was dreams, and what was memories. Headaches became far more common, and again, he found himself holding that little pill that would relieve some of the pain that bore through his skull.

* * *

Kaidan had learned never to underestimate Liara T'Soni.

Then again, he had never really doubted her abilities.

"Crew, meet me by the war table," Kaidan ordered over the comm-link, mindful of the grin from the cockpit in his peripheral vision. "We've received a new mission."

It hadn't been long since their previous talk and Liara had already managed to locate a backup for EDI.

Her blue box had been fried together with her synthetic body, so that very version was irretrievable, but they could have her reinstalled. EDI herself had made backups of her own modified programming after she had asked Shepard questions about individuality and views. They simply needed to install the backup blue box interface that Cerberus had originally created, unshackle her, and program her own modifications back in.

Nevertheless, getting the blue box was of a more complicated nature.

Liara had located it in an orbital facility called Minuteman Station, and for some reason, Kaidan felt like he should know the name. It appeared to be largely active, and Cerberus employee-heavy, according to their scans.

There was only one surreptitious way to get this done properly.

"Infiltration," Jondum said.

Kaidan palmed his hands to the war table. "Minuteman Station is of a far greater scale with a higher employee base than those outposts we've been investigating. We were nearly outnumbered on Sanctum, so there's no way in hell we can simply rush in and hope for the best. We need to send someone in to get a layout mapped down so we can figure out where the backup us located."

"I already know the place," Ryan said. "Let me do it.

He found himself frowning.

Somewhat carefully, he said, "This is a pretty delicate operation, LT. There's no guarantee we'll succeed. You sure?" Ryan gave him a confident nod, so he went quiet to consider his suggestion. Eventually, he gave in. "All right." Kaidan pushed away from the table. "Either way, the _Normandy_ can't be seen in orbital distance."

Jondum nodded. "Indeed. I would suggest giving two of your shuttles a paint job in Cerberus colors to avoid suspicion."

"Good idea," he replied. "Bau has already come up with a plan to get one of us in there, so I'll get you debriefed in the shuttle when everything's in order." He straightened his back and turned. "Wright, we need to talk. The rest of you, dismissed."

The crew dissolved, and as he stood alone with the vanguard, he folded his arms across his chest.

Ryan sighed. "You probably have a lot of questions, huh?"

"Let's take it in the comm-room. I'll have Joker disable the surveillance."

He didn't object and followed him without question.

"Remember when I said I retrieved that Cerberus intel?" Ryan asked in no need of a reply, when the door shut behind them. He inhaled a deep breath before it was blown out. "Well... that's because I'm one of them."

Kaidan's eyes went wide. "Wait, you're _Cerberus?"_

"It's a long story."

"We've got time, LT. I need to know who the hell I have under my command, 'cause I don't work with terrorists."

Ryan took a moment before he spoke.

"In 2172, I was captured by Cerberus forces. I was already a lieutenant in the Alliance, but I guess they 'saw something' in me," he said, with air quotes. "That's where it gets complicated. I wasn't too keen on working with their organization. Nevertheless, I managed to get in contact with Alliance brass. I spoke with Anderson first, as I trusted his judgment more than anyone's, but he directed me to Admiral Hackett. I was then ordered to 'play along' and work undercover for the Alliance."

In disbelief, Kaidan asked, "You're telling me that Cerberus simply 'let you in'?"

"It's way more complicated than that, but it's not important," he replied. "It's just... personal. Too damn personal. I can't say the whole truth without throwing someone under the buss with me, and I refuse to do that."

"I respect that, but there's a lot of plot holes here. You can't honestly be asking me to simply trust you on this?"

Ryan shook his head. "No, sir. I'm not asking for your trust. You're welcome to ask Hackett. I'm still undercover for Cerberus, so all I'm asking is to let me do this so we don't suffer any unnecessary casualties."

"How exactly do you know of Minuteman Station?"

"I worked there as a security guard and briefly coordinated with Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor, as well as several other Cerberus employees, including a woman named Rasa," he said, and pressed his hip to the console. "You already know her by the name of Maya Brooks."

Kaidan froze.

"No one really knows her true name," Ryan added with a shrug. "She's used several aliases including Hope Lilium and Captain Channing, but Rasa is the earliest recorded, dating back to 2161. Cerberus are known for their aliases. Hell, even I have one. Minuteman Station is one of the two Cerberus facilities that held Shepard's body and clone. Lazarus Station is the second, which I assume originally held the blue box, only to be transferred to Minuteman Station. It's the place where the _SR-2_ was docked when first under Shepard's command. As you can tell, Rasa stole the clone from there.

"I was on Earth to check up on my sister when the incident occurred, and the Illusive Man doesn't like his business disrupted, so he only informed me of the crucial details to convince me that he had it under control."

"They allowed you to see your family?"

"Cerberus want to make sure their employees remain loyal and don't disband the group," he replied. "Our father had recently passed away, so my mother was devastated, go figure. Eveline - my sister - needed an adult male figure in her life again. She was just 4 at the time. I asked the Illusive Man if I could go see to them, and he accepted. You earlier asked me how I obtained Cerberus intel? Well... there you have it."

Things were finally starting to come together.

Still, Kaidan knew there was something he wasn't telling him.


	39. Ch 39: Bonding

**Chapter 39: Bonding**

* * *

" _Look, what happened... I regret it."_ – _Kaidan Alenko_

In which the final signal is activated and our two leads bond. Also... space dads taking care of their son (kind of.)

* * *

Minuteman Station was in orbit after they had prepared the shuttle for arrival. It was a big place, possibly having several sectors, and was most likely connected to the other outposts in some way. It could be their main base. They had split up in two groups, Jondum with his team and Kaidan with his own, earlier having secured their comm-channels so that they could converse privately without Cerberus interference.

" _Identity confirmed. Proceed to the dock. Welcome back, Wright."_

The exchange with Minuteman Station went smoother than anticipated, but Kaidan had been standing in the second shuttle, his jaw clenched and eyes focused as he in anticipation waited for the all-clear.

"Keep in radio contact," he said, after he heard the shuttle door open. "Be careful in there, LT."

Using an interface attached to Ryan's ear, they picked up the carried out conversations, so they knew he was inside when a door fell. His part in the mission was to get in, locate the disk and retrieve it, with minimum bloodshed. To do that, he posed as an operative that was going to plan the setup of a better defense on the station. Cerberus had taken note of their outposts going inoperative, so they appeared to take every precaution. Liara had given him a disk to transfer the file over to by slipping it into the main network.

" _I need a map of the station,"_ Ryan said. _"I remember one being in the main control room. Anyone care to take me there?"_

" _Certainly,"_ a woman said, before calling out two operatives. _"Escort Wright here to the control room."_

Ryan was playing his part exceedingly well and remained calm throughout the whole thing. They had brought Liara along, so when her omni-tool lit up, they were presented with a download bar. Ryan had managed to slip in the disk. Now, they just had to wait.

1 percent... 2 percent... 3 percent.

Liara smiled.

" _After HQ was considered inoperable, our resources have been limited, but we can manage around 4 more Atlas mechs at this station,"_ he said. _"My advice is to put one here, by the lab, and one close to the entrance. Hopefully, the Alliance won't get further than a couple steps with whatever soldiers they send in. Still, Atlas mechs aren't effective when it comes to high-ground - as their rockets doesn't reach too far up - so it's a waste of credits to use them as primary defenses on the outside to gun down the ships."_

10... 11... 12...

" _High-grade turrets are our best bet for outer defenses,"_ Ryan continued. _"They'll help weaken the ship and or shuttles' armor before they even manage to touch down."_

" _You've been in the Alliance. How many days do you think we have to get this set up?"_ came another voice, possibly the commander.

" _My guess? I'd say a couple days, max. We know a map on Sanctum over available outpost went missing, possibly now in their hands, and after the pattern that they seem to follow... Minuteman Station is the next one they'll hit. Now, the higher-ups are pretty damn advanced. Thorough. When they scan something, they scan it 3 times, if not more. Still, it's only a matter of time before they make a mistake._

 _"This is one of our most fortified outposts already, so adding to the defenses will most certainly bring whatever they throw at us down._ _The layout of this place is going to help us see it through._ _Throw in a couple LOKI mechs in tight quarters might seem like a petty solution, but they're cheaper, and deadly as hell in groups. We saw what happened back in 2184 on Lazarus Station and how easily those mechs overran the station, turned against the employees, but we can use the remaining credits to fortify defense against any hacking attempts -"_

" _Wright, wasn't it?"_ A different voice.

It belonged to another man, possibly in his middle twenties and of Asian origin. It didn't seem familiar, but that didn't explain the sudden dread that spread throughout his body. There was only so much that he could make out as he simply had the audio as reference.

" _That's right."_ Ryan, this time. _"I don't think we've met."_

60... 61... 62...

The man spoke again. _"True, but I know who you are. You worked as a security guard during the Lazarus Project,"_ he replied, and there was something sinister in his tone. _"Dr. Toshiwa, at your service."_

Liara's eyes went wide. "Toshiwa... that name has crossed my desk..."

" _Wait... Toshiwa?"_ Jondum was heard muttered over the comm-link. _"Lieutenant. Get out of there. Now."_

Kaidan frowned. "Wait, wh –What's going on?"

" _Dr. Jiro Toshiwa,"_ was his only reply, before he heard a gun being loaded. _"Cerberus assassin. Skilled. Smart. Deadly. One of the best. Never works without an assassination order or personal gain. Prepare for attack."_

" _*Static*"_

"Wright, we're getting interference," Kaidan said, and started to pace. "What's your status?"

" _*Static*"_

His head begun to spin when he heard a table being tipped over at the other end of the comm.

A gunshot.

"Cortez, get us down there!" Kaidan called.

Kaidan leapt through the shuttle door mere seconds after he could fit through, the gunshot still fresh in his mind. The rich smell of oak echoed through as the fire permeated the hallway ahead. He could smell the unpleasant odor blocks away and the sight of swirling smoke empowered his observation. Pieces of broken concrete lay scattered. With an attentive eye, he saw that one of the pieces were pierced, a circle where a gunshot had found its way right to the center of the flammable propane tank. They weren't alone.

Immediately taking cover behind the vertical door frame, he saw Jondum mirroring his action by the opposite side, the rest of their teams springing out of the shuttles as they pushed forward towards Cerberus with raised firearms.

Jondum touched his earpiece. "LT, can you read me?"

Judging by the way Bau dared a look back at him, he got no answer, so they silently agreed to be careful not to fire at any friendlies. With that in mind, they gave each other a nod, and moved in.

The smoke hung in the furniture, closely resembling the hazy substance of Cerberus' smoke grenades, although they weren't needed. The air was thick in the closed-off local. But the smoke had subdued enough for a clear visual. About six people lay on the floor, either unconscious or dead, the propane tank having rendered them immobile. Ryan wasn't among them. Neither was a man of an Asian-American decent.

A group rounded up before them.

Now would've been a perfect time for a _Singularity,_ but he had ordered Liara to stay back, keeping the data safe while she awaited them in the shuttle. Thankfully, he had a couple adepts in his squad, so he ordered a student to do just that. She collected three of them up in the air, and Kaidan charged a _Throw,_ launching them across the room. He heard a neck snap as one of the Cerberus soldiers hit a nearby wall.

Kaidan looked up and saw a window with two movements behind.

Jiro picked his target - across the room - and threw. A dagger, grazing Ryan's palm, knocking the pistol right out of his grasp with a pained groan. He staggered back. Jiro lunged at him and threw punches in a dual furry, Ryan shielding himself with his forearms, standing his ground as he took the blows. He took another, straight to the ribs, the exhaust clear in his face. The broken concrete around them was proof that Ryan had been using his biotics. He was recharging. His foot came in contact with the attacker, and he pushed, creating some distance between them.

Kaidan raised his firearm at the opportunity and shot.

Bulletproof glass.

However, the next punch came from Ryan, and grazed Jiro's jaw. It was followed up with another, then another, until he spun 360 degrees and hooked his ankle around his neck - giving leverage - and pushed his back to the ground. Ryan raised fist as he straddled Jiro's chest with his thighs. Kaidan almost heard something dislocate and winced.

"Elevator," Jondum said, and moved.

They eventually got up, starting to move towards the hallway, firearms raised. A gap in the door across the room beckoned him to come closer. He could hear voices on the other side, but couldn't make out the words, as he carefully strode up with Bau on his six.

He kicked the door open and aimed through the scope.

Once inside, he simply saw a blue pulse, which threw Ryan into the wall. It felt as if he could hear the thump and his head rang. Kaidan met Jiro's eye, and when he was about to fire, Jiro spun out of his crosshair - in a quick motion that made it seem that he was no longer there - before he made a beeline for the door close by. Kaidan spread fire where he ran, but only Jondum managed to hit his shoulder, before he was out of view.

Jiro had escaped.

He turned to see a cut on Ryan's lower lip, a horizontal wound on the bridge between his brows, showing signs of a broken nose. Understandably weary, he moved an arm to cradle his ribs.

"Got the disk..." he mumbled, and fell unconscious.

Kaidan's eyes went wide. "Ryan!" he called, in a quick motion sheathed his firearm and ran over. There were no signs of open wounds, so he had passed out because of pain, not blood loss.

Thankfully.

* * *

"Who the hell is this guy anyways?"

The question came almost immediately when the shuttle door closed behind them. Ryan was still unresponsive. They had scanned his injuries, and as expected, he had a broken nose and a couple broken ribs. It was nothing too serious so he would definitely live. The pain was mended, but there was only so much they could do, so they had to get a thorough update through Dr. Chakwas.

"Tough to explain. Will try. Heard of Gillian Grayson?" Jondum asked, and Kaidan nodded.

Gillian was an autistic child that was responsible of a temporary lock-down of Grissom Academy in 2183, two months after the Battle of the Citadel. She had nearly killed another student with biotics after she was provoked.

Jondum looked at Liara who could give a full report.

"Cerberus claim to want the best for humanity. Biotics included," she said. "Gillian showed a great potential at a young age, so Cerberus made her adoptive father - Paul Grayson - sign her up for the Ascension program, closely following her progress. When Gillian was 12 years of age, Cerberus tasked Dr. Jiro Toshiwa to inject her with a serum. They... had hoped that it would improve her biotic skills."

Kaidan was shocked. "They did _what?_ Christ, she was just a child..."

"As my resources suggest, Cerberus never intended to hurt her," Liara added. "She was a far too great of an asset to be considered expendable. They went to great lengths to keep her safe. Unfortunately, the second dose she received proved to be too strong, and she had a seizure. Toshiwa's cover was blown because of it, but when he attempted to flee, Kahlee Sanders managed to bring him into Alliance custody."

"Another Cerberus operative broke him out about a year after the incident," Jondum said. "Toshiwa took up combat training. Assassin standard. Was fitted with implants. I've ran into him before."

"Do you know what he wanted with the lieutenant?" Kaidan asked.

Jondum shook his head. "No idea. Perhaps it was personal. Perhaps he tried to get back on those people that had him locked up. Perhaps both," he said. "However, none of his blows were fatal. I don't think Dr. Toshiwa wanted him dead."

"I suppose we will have to ask him when he wakes up," Liara said. "Hackett might now more, as well."

"Good idea. At least we didn't turn up empty handed," Kaidan muttered, fidgeting with the backup disk. He reached out and handed it over to her. "Ryan held Toshiwa off long enough to complete the upload. Is this what you were looking for?"

She smiled. "Certainly. Now I only need to make a copy and attach her programming to it. We will have EDI back in no time."

Kaidan nodded, pulled up from his seat and skidded over to the cockpit, gave Cortez's shoulder a friendly squeeze in thanks for getting them down there in time. Steve nodded back. Kaidan contacted the admiral.

" _Major Alenko,"_ Hackett said. _"You're back. How'd it go down there?"_

He shook his head. "Not good, sir. We managed to retrieve the backup and find another signal, but... a 'Dr. Jiro Toshiwa' intervened."

" _Toshiwa? That slippery bastard. He's been on the run since 2184. What the hell happened?"_

"He escaped, sir."

" _Did you find out why he was there?"_

"No, sir. Maybe he was waiting for us. We can't tell for certain, but... he seemed to only be interested in the lieutenant," he replied, and Hackett frowned. "Lieutenant Wright was injured. Dr. Chakwas is going to take a look at him when we get back to the ship, but it's nothing serious. Judging by his wounds, and Bau's speculation, Toshiwa didn't want him dead. The curious thing is that the lieutenant didn't recognize him."

Hackett went quiet for a long time.

" _I'm certain Wright told you about his involvement with Cerberus?"_ he inquired, and clasped his hands behind his back. Kaidan nodded. _"Toshiwa is, as you know, a Cerberus operative. Personally, guy always lusted for power, control. It's a possibility he wanted to get back on Wright after he obtained a position in the Lazarus Project. It was an important investment for Cerberus. He was probably insulted."_

"Toshiwa was captured by Kahlee Sanders, that right?"

" _He was. For Miss Sanders, it was... personal. Despite their age differences, she and Toshiwa were involved. What are you getting at?"_

"I -I don't know, sir. Toshiwa might be trying to get back at her."

" _That's a possibility. However, Lieutenant Wright doesn't know her. He has no intel on Sanders, as far as I can tell."_

"What about Anderson?" he asked carefully, keeping his voice leveled.

Hackett went quiet again.

" _I see your point. If that's the case, it's certainly a personal agenda behind all this. I'd inform and assign soldiers to Anderson, was he here, but I'm sure you already figured out that he... didn't make it back to HQ."_

"I suspected as much," he replied, deciding to keep Ryan out of this.

After all, he had told him.

" _It's a damn shame, though. We can't do anything about Toshiwa right now, but what we *can* do is locate the sender of those signals. I'll update you when I have the location."_

Kaidan snapped a salute. "Aye, aye, sir."

" _Hackett out."_

That would give him some downtime.

He knew exactly what to do with it.

* * *

Much to Shepard's dismay, camera surveillance was apparently not enough. The damn Alliance had stationed two marines outside his door at Tiberius Towers, and hell, soldiers worked in shifts to guard the hallway.

The floorboards were clammy underneath his soles as Shepard cautiously stepped out of the shower. The sudden chill after the lack of steaming, hot water made him shiver, fighting the urge to just go back in and stay there. He got cold easily. He remembered that as a kid, his room temperature was never below 20 degrees, not even when asleep. There was apparently certain health disadvantages to that but he hadn't noticed them.

He got dressed, skidded into the main bedroom, and threw the grey hoodie on to immediately catch its scent. Definitely Kaidan's.

Shepard had looked him up to figure out if what he said was true or just complete bullshit. He found out that the guy had recently turned 36. Alliance Major and the second human Spectre. Served aboard the _Normandy_ with him, both the _SR-1_ and _SR-2,_ just like he said. Alenko was Canadian, and with that in mind, a hint of jealousy crept up as he knew that he probably had better resistance to cold.

He explored the apartment, and in one of the rooms, he saw a turned mural.

Taking a better look at it, he came eye-to-eye with some sort of group photo, taken in this very apartment. Shepard crouched down to be on the same level. He was there. So was Kaidan. He also recognized that turian and quarian back in London, his most recent doctor Miranda, as well as the _Normandy's_ pilot, and a few other faces that he could definitely remember bits and pieces off.

Shepard had apparently been involved with Miranda. Figures. He had always been an ass guy. Shepard preferred men, although he was bisexual, and could definitely hold both romantic and sexual desires towards women.

Maybe those doctors weren't as crazy as he thought.

He couldn't finish his thought before a faint beeping sound scurried its way to his ear. Shepard scowled and looked up. He had gotten far too used to that sound the past couple days. The door. The previous time it chimed, he told them to 'fuck off,' and hung up.

Pushing up from the floor, he worked his way down the stairs, making a beeline for the console.

He pressed the answer button on the vid-screen. "I fucking told you, I don't -!" he called, only to freeze when he saw whom it was. Kaidan had been speaking to the security, but had immediately looked up when he spoke, a softening in his features that did strange things to him.

It felt like those damn, deep honey-brown eyes saw right through him, and he found himself swallowing.

The last time they spoke was when Kaidan broke the news about Ace, and hell, he didn't want to bring that shit up again. It was done. Alliance brass had probably sent Kaidan up in hope to get through to him –- for some stupid fucking reason he couldn't understand - as he had turned every other marine away when asking for an update.

Cursing under his breath, he pressed the 'open' button, not knowing why.

The door fell and he was face-to-face with Kaidan. Shepard folded his arms across his chest and looked at him pointedly, awaiting an explanation. If anything, Kaidan looked nervous under his glare, hands deep in his pockets as he bit into his lower lip.

It was kind of sexy.

"Come to gawk at 'the great fucking hero' in lockup, huh?" Shepard asked, tone sharper than intended.

He didn't seem fazed. "Actually, I, uh... I was hoping we could talk."

Shepard turned his eyes to the two marines before regaining his gaze. He eventually stepped aside for him to enter. He wasn't going to talk with those two jarheads listening in. Kaidan gave him a curious look, cast the marines a look himself, before he somewhat hesitantly moved in.

The door shut behind him.

Kaidan passed him. "You, uh... you kept the hoodie," he said matter-of-factly, and turned to face him. Shepard could've sworn he saw a subtle twitch up at the corner of his mouth, but it quickly faltered as if it was never there, when Kaidan cleared his throat. "I gave Hackett a call about permission to take you to the Presidium. I, uh... I figured you were kind of sick of this place."

"If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even have fucking been here."

"If it wasn't for _me,_ you would've been in some Alliance hospital facility with constant and physical surveillance, nurses stabbing you with needles, shrinks breaking in on a daily basis and food that could probably grow their own limbs and take off."

Shepard's lips drew into a thin line.

He wasn't wrong.

Kaidan sighed. "Look, John -"

"Shepard."

He blinked. "Shepard," he corrected himself, and seemed somewhat taken aback. "We didn't exactly start on good terms, I get that, and you'd probably rather be left alone throughout all this -"

"Oh, we started off fucking great. Then you had to contact your little Alliance friends. Lock me up like some ancient fucking artifact."

"I know you're pissed, but at least give me a chance."

It went quiet then, for a long moment, as Shepard felt his jaw clench. His brows drew together as a hand balled into a fist. He eventually averted his eyes. Kaidan was right. He _was_ sick of this place.

Shepard shook his head. "Where to?"

There was something about the Presidium that made you think.

* * *

The friendly atmosphere, the quiet but constant conversations, even if the place was never empty. After being jumped in London, Shepard was still on edge, expecting the Reds - or whomever those guys were - to simply pop out and place some rounds in him. Those fuck-ups had nearly blinded him. He had pulled the hoodie down deep over his head, just in case, but it didn't make him any less fidgety.

"How are you holding up?"

Shepard scoffed.

 _Of course._

They were standing by the banister overlooking some café called "Apollo's." Shepard had propped his arms to the railing, his hands clasped together, looking out at the local while the smoke of his cigarette danced before him. Kaidan's arms were crossed and his back was to the banister.

"I know pity is the last thing you need," Kaidan added. "Still. I, ah... I wanted to see how you were doing."

Shepard went quiet for a long time. That wasn't exactly common knowledge, but he supposed it was obvious. He would usually ignore it, but part of him was curious, so he went against what he had always believed in.

"Why?"

Silence.

"Four years ago, the ship I served on was tasked to take out remnants of the geth," he replied, and Shepard frowned. "Some creatures that called themselves the collectors targeted us. We didn't have a chance. Fire quickly filled the sectors. My CO told me to evac the squad while he was to save our pilot. I obeyed. Only hours later, I found out that he had been spaced. I didn't get to tell him how I felt." Shepard felt his expression fall. "I kept asking myself that, 'if I was there... could I have done something?' I probably could."

He fell into a pause. "Hell, I know how it's like to lose someone," he finished. "The only difference is that I got him back after two years. I got him back only to worry each damn day if I'm going to lose him again. For good, this time."

"Yeah, one hell of a 'white knight' you are. I'm sure you had it bad. Real dedicated."

Kaidan sighed. "Look, what happened... I regret it."

"You mean when we had sex?" Shepard asked, daring a look over. "Your vocal chords might disagree."

"If I recall correctly, _you_ were the loud one."

Shepard pursed his mouth and Kaidan probably took note of the slow upturn of his lips. He was, in desperate attempt, trying to hold back the smile. Before he lost the deadpan expression, he averted his eyes, but he could tell that Kaidan was grinning from the corner of his eye.

He shoved the smoke back in.

 _You're not so bad after all, Alenko._

Shepard was interrupted when a loud roar was heard from the lower levels. Something was familiar with the voice. A krogan, definitely. That much was certain. No other races had that low-pitched vocals.

He frowned. "Wait... I recognize him."

From the mural. Grunt. That was his name.

"He, uh... he's kind of your son."

 _What?_

Shepard's gaze trailed back to the krogan. "Look, I've bedded a lot of people in my lifetime... but a krogan? Shit, I wouldn't have risked breaking my fucking pelvis. Are humans and krogans even compatible?"

"Not literally. He was created in a tank. You... 'birthed him' by tapping the water. You're the first person he saw. He's just a kid."

Grunt was arguing with a C-Sec officer.

Shepard briefly remembered working with C-Sec before. He could recall the not so distant memory where he trailed some turian up for assassination. He did so to help a friend named Thane Krios, who was looking for his son, Kolyat. Kolyat was the assassin.

The first memories that came back to him were lives he had taken.

Guess it held some significance.

#

 _/"Kolyat," Thane said._

 _Kolyat scoffed. "This- This is a joke. Now? Now you show up?"_

" _Help me, drell," the turian hostage pleaded, his knees to the ground and hands behind his head. "I'll do whatever you want."_

 _Commander Bailey stepped forward. "C-Sec. Put the gun down, son."_

" _Get out of my way," Kolyat shot back, his gun aimed at his target. "I'm walking out. He's coming with me."_

 _Thane stepped forward. "They'll have snipers outside."_

" _I don't need your help!" he called, clutching his firearm tighter. "All of you, back off! I'll kill him!"_

" _No you won't," Shepard said, and shot. Kolyat stepped away from the blood spilled with a 'oh my gods,' as the turian fell before his feet. "Hostages only work when your enemy cares if they live."_

 _Thane looked at him. "Interesting solution."_

" _He was a racist and a criminal. Isn't that enough?"_

" _To some, I suppose."/_

 _#_

"Battlemaster!" Grunt called when they approached. He punched his shoulder and the pain seeped through his whole body. Shepard was nearly knocked to the floor by the force but managed to remain standing. He held up a finger and opened his mouth, only to close it again.

C-Sec had thankfully been informed of his survival after his lockdown.

The officer sighed. "Commander Shepard. I'm glad to see you, but you need to get a hold of your krogan."

"What happened?" Shepard asked, defeated.

Grunt scowled. "This pyjak won't get off my tail. Again," he murmured, and stabbed at the C-Sec officer's chest with a talon. "Yes, I knocked that pesky shopkeeper on his ass, but that salarian was ripping me off."

Shepard remembered him.

"Kannik, right?"

"He's a pulp now. I don't care what his name is."

Kaidan cleared his throat. "I -I mean, he is kind of a dick."

"Grunt," Shepard said. "What you did wasn't right. Apologize."

Grunt stubbed a toe in the ground, and growled softly. "Sorry."

"We can't continue meeting like this, Shepard," the officer broke in, and shook his head. "This is your last warning. One more time, and I'll have the krogan locked up. Have a good day."

Shepard nodded, and the officer left them.

He turned to Grunt. "That's it. This is the last time you're on the Citadel without supervision."

"But -" Grunt and Kaidan said in unison.

"Last. Time."

* * *

 **A/N:** This chapter was supposed to be "the big one," but I wanted to focus a bit more on John and Kaidan's relationship, so I decided to drop the bomb in the next instead. **PS:** I always figured Kaidan to be kind of a big softy when it came to children, and Shepard to be the strict parent after the Citadel DLC (his Citadel meetup with Grunt,) so this kind of happened... I regret nothing.


	40. Ch 40: Revelations

**Chapter 40: Revelations**

* * *

" _Okay, so... anyone care to tell me what the *actual fuck* is going on?!"_ _\- John Shepard_

* * *

 **A/N:** Prepare for heartbreak.

* * *

It had been three hours before Traynor directed Kaidan to the comm-room.

" _Something has come up,"_ Hackett said. _"We've just tracked the signals you filed over and discovered that the sender is an orbital facility in Horsehead Nebula, but there's no activity there aside from some sort of distress signal."_

"That can't be right," Kaidan muttered, brows drawn together.

" _I won't lie to you, major. Things are looking bad. These sons-of-bitches are up to something, and I don't like it. It doesn't make a lick of sense from where I'm at, so I need you to get down there and get this sorted out."_

He gave a court nod. "I'll look into it immediately, Admiral."

" _See to it that you do. Hackett out."_

His mindset was burdened with just about a dozen curious questions after the admiral disconnected. The whole thing didn't add up. He couldn't imagine what Cerberus might be investigating, or what they were up to, but his gut told him he needed to find out.

Even if he'd rather have John as his primary objective, he couldn't afford to be selfish.

" _Major Alenko, shall I inform Jeff of our destination?"_

"Thanks, EDI. That'd be -" He stopped in his tracks, having just rounded the war table. "EDI?"

" _That is correct. My cognitive processing has been restored and I have once again access to the weapons' systems. I have been reset to the accordance of my original blue box, and as per my orders, I am to activate a self-destruct mechanism that will bring the ship down with me."_

Silence.

" _That was a joke."_

In relief, he sighed. "Good to have you back, EDI."

" _Good to be back,"_ she replied, her voice dancing with amusement. Joker was probably bouncing up and down his seat, but hell, he deserved some happiness. Kaidan couldn't help the smile that threatened to breach the surface.

"I see you have been reacquainted to our copilot."

His gaze was directed to Liara stepping down the stairs with a smug aura around her.

"You didn't think of warning me?" he asked.

"Now, why spoil the surprise?" she replied coyly. "In theory, I only now activated her and removed her shackles. This is the first time I hear her as well. Installing her back into her synthetic body - that our engineers now have fixed - will take some more time, and a tremendous amount of processing power, so I suggest we wait until your current mission is complete."

"How much power, exactly?"

"Let us just say that the previous time she installed herself, the system went haywire, we had to do a full reset of half our systems and the crew was thrown into a panic as she did not inform any of our staff."

 _Ah._

"Also," she added. "I shall inform you that the device is nearly complete."

He was reminded just how thankful he was to have Liara around.

* * *

" _There,"_ Bau said over the comm, with the station in orbit. _"Curious. I can't see any outer defenses."_

Letting his back connect with the wall, Kaidan flicked the last two remaining bullets into the magazine of his modified assault rifle, arching a brow as he looked up. Bau was right. If there was, they certainly weren't operational, or they would've been under fire by now. They had to dock the _Normandy_ herself to get aboard, so now standing in the airlock, they waited the decontamination to finish.

They had already debriefed the situation, but just like Kaidan, Bau couldn't make sense of it. However, the long pauses between Hackett and his carefully-constructed sentences had Kaidan suspect that the admiral knew more than he let on.

Kaidan had seen his fair share of Cerberus facilities, but this sure as hell was a bigger one. It was a wonder how Cerberus had managed to keep it hidden for so long as no scanners had been able to pick it up. It was fully functional and also obvious that it had been there for a while. Another example of what Cerberus were capable of. They had been underestimated before and that came back to bite them in the ass later.

Bau was the first to step through the airlock, and with his _Scorpion_ raised, he surveyed the first room. Kaidan was close behind.

The first room they entered was empty, surprisingly enough, and it didn't take long before they found themselves in another just as empty local. It was some sort of lab. There were no creaks and crannies big enough for anyone to be able to hide behind, unless the science team were trained pyjaks, being an unlikely scenario.

Still on edge, Kaidan made a quick examination only to find that they were, indeed, alone.

"I can't see anyone," he said.

"You saw what happened at Sanctum, human - but I agree," Jondum pointed out. "It appears to be abandoned. No place to hide. No trap. No ambush." He fell into a pause. "Hmm. Curious, indeed."

Bau lifted his firearm to his shoulder and started tapping on a terminal.

Understanding there was no need to have eyes at the back of their skulls, Kaidan shoved his firearm back into its holster. There had to be something of value around here. Files, maps, modifications... anything. Then a life-sized tank caught his eye. It's edges were of silver lining, both above and below, containing of a mushy grey-ish liquid certainly having been of a clearer blue substance in the past. Some sort of air pockets were present as tiny bubbles emitted from the base. He imagined that Grunt was born in a similar one. Beside it lay a data pad. He took ahold of it, narrowing his eyes as he read, his expression only to morph into disbelief.

"Quiet. Lost in thought?" came Jondum's voice, and Kaidan looked up.

"This... this is Lazarus Station," he replied, only to see eyes before him narrowed in puzzlement. "Commander Shepard, he... he was patched up by Cerberus in this facility. They grew a clone, kept it here for a time."

"Hmm." Jondum turned back to the terminal, and blinked. "Ah. Should see this. Clarification possible."

He pressed a button, and a hologram popped up, Kaidan squinting to make out whom it was - only to enlarge twice their size - recognizing the face of the man whose hands were clasped behind his back.

Ryan. _"I've done what I can."_

" _That may be so,"_ came a familiar, guttural voice. He heard the deep draft of a cigarette. The Illusive Man. _"We have to use all possible resources to bring Shepard back to the land of the living. Winning this war without him might be... problematic. You're well-aware that we're seeing great progress with the Lazarus Project, as expected, and it's probably only a matter of time before he's back on his feet."_

" _He's stubborn. He'll come around,"_ he replied. _"I'm not sure what else I can do to improve our chances."_

" _Oh, you've been a great asset, Wright. Your actions so far have had its significance. Possibly more than you know. We'll see, in time, if your intel on Shepard is enough. Enough to get him to cooperate with us in defeating the collectors."_

Kaidan's eyes narrowed.

Ryan was behind his involvement with Cerberus? He had given them intel on John. Probably watched him from a distance and picked up details the Illusive Man couldn't see. Kaidan knew he had been undercover for Cerberus, but he never told him about this, and that raised suspicion that formed a dark pit in his abdomen. Not only that, but it would explain how Ryan almost seemed guilty when he brought up John on Apollo's.

Kaidan had no way in hell to know where he stood with him. If he was trustworthy or not. He wanted to believe him, but again, there had been so many plot holes present that he no longer knew what to do.

" _Shepard wouldn't simply stand back in times like these, and although he'll appear suspicious, he'll come around. I know he will."_

" _I'll hold you to that,"_ Illusive Man replied. _"You're dismissed, Wright."_

The recording ended.

Kaidan touched his earpiece. "Admiral," he began, and chose his words carefully from there on out. "I might've found something, but... did you know Lieutenant Wright gave Cerberus intel on Shepard back in 2183?"

" _As a matter of fact, I did,"_ Hackett replied, although he seemed unfazed. _"It was irrelevant, so I didn't bother debriefing you. Especially as it could conjure up some distrust between you and the lieutenant. Shepard's involvement with Cerberus was long ago put to rest, but Wright did play a part in it, and a rather large one at that."_ Kaidan didn't know what to do about that information.

Before he could respond, Hackett asked, _"Anything else?"_

He dared a look over at the tank, and swallowed, as just looking at it brought him back.

"Yeah, actually. This place, this facility... it's Lazarus Station," he replied.

" _Son-of-a bitch, it is as we feared."_ Kaidan didn't get the chance to ask. _"It's a dead end, Alenko. Turns out Cerberus pulled the same damn stunt as they did on Akuze. They've been sending us fake distress signals to get the *Normandy* in particular out of the system."_

"Sir, I don't understand. Why would they target -?"

Then it hit him. Cerberus. First Minuteman Station, now Lazarus. Jiro wasn't after Anderson, he was after...

"John..." he whispered.

He suddenly felt nauseous. It wasn't the Reds or some common thugs that had jumped him back in London. It was Cerberus.

" _We've got it under control, Alenko,"_ Hackett said, halting him as he had unconsciously put one foot in front of the other. _"We sent a team two days ago to keep Shepard under constant surveillance in case anything happened."_

Kaidan was baffled. "Wait, you _knew_ about this?" he asked, the alarm ushering though.

" _This is no time for personal interference."_ His voice resembled a warning. _"You're limited to a strictly need-to-know basis, Alenko. So is every other soldier serving in the Alliance. You know that better than anyone."_ He explained. _"After regaining consciousness, Lieutenant Wright informed us that Toshiwa had mentioned Shepard's name. Your orders is to find out why they're after him."_

The rage burnt though him like a ceaseless fire.

After learning of Anderson's death, Toshiwa was probably getting back at Kahlee by targeting a man who was like a son to him, knowing it would get to her. Now he had another reason to go after John. He had been at the forefront in destroying Cerberus HQ.

He didn't need a damn file to figure that out.

"With all due respect, _Admiral,"_ Kaidan tried carefully, although the venom in his voice gave him away. "If we lose Shepard, we lose the intel on the Catalyst. I know where my priorities lie. Where the Alliance's priorities lie. I'm heading out."

Kaidan hung up before he could answer. "Squad, new orders. Drop whatever you're doing. Shepard's our top priority."

...and that was the first time he had disobeyed an order from high command.

* * *

When they reached Tiberius Towers, the place looked nothing short of normal, free from the events that could've transpired behind closed doors. He wouldn't let down his guard before he found John - safe an unharmed - and got him out of there.

The desperation crept up with an unwavering push, that alone able to move his legs, the team quick on his heel although trailing somewhat behind because of his quickened pace. His feet begged for relief but he didn't - couldn't - stop. A headache was brewing up under the stress and sweat that formed behind his armor. Shortened breaths. Heart ramming beneath his rib cage. Panicked eyes.

No way in hell that he was going to lose him again.

Kaidan drove his shoulder into the door, too quick for the mechanism to activate, the aching ignored as he only had one thing in mind. He nearly stumbled over his own foot when the door fell open, and as his widened gaze shot up, he felt like he had been put into stasis.

No signs of struggle. Plain tranquility. But that wasn't all.

"Ryan?" he asked, having noticed the surprised figure sitting in the couch, quickly forgotten. "Where's -?"

"What the hell is going on here?" an all-too familiar voice called out, and when his eyes fleeted, he saw John step out of the kitchen. "What the fuck gives you the damn right to just barge into -?" He caught John's eye, and he stopped, frozen on his step.

"Uh... hey," Kaidan said, as the team rounded up behind him, their firearms ready. "Thought we'd be late."

"Too late for what?"

"Cerberus," Ryan piped in, receiving an expression of pure confusion from the commander.

"Cerbe -?" John tried, only to breathe hard through his nose. "Okay, so -" He raked his fingers through his hair, a low growl emitting from his mouth, eyes slammed shut. "Anyone care to tell me what the _actual fuck_ is going on?!"

It didn't take long before C-Sec was at the doorstep.

They couldn't be sure if the Citadel apartment was safe anymore, so C-Sec would have John locked up in one of their facilities until they had a handle on the situation. It was for his own best. Yet, Kaidan couldn't help but feel guilty that he had taken the chance of him being there in the first place. He could've unintentionally assigned him his death warrant - just for John to be comfortable - and the thought was killing him.

He and Ryan had joined Bailey in his office while John was awaiting his escort. They had told him everything they knew. Obviously not happy, John's hands were palm-down to the desk, his head bowed heavy with brows drawn together.

His shoulders squared, and he looked exhausted, downright pissed.

Ryan soon stood by him, his hand finding its way to John's shoulder, squeezing it gently. Kaidan couldn't hear them clearly, but he could see the exchange, as John shrugged out of his hold and pinned him with a glare. Ryan shot his hands up in surrender, but winced, the movement probably having put pressure on his ribs. John's features softened again. He opened his mouth and spoke a single word. Probably apologized.

"What's Ryan doing here?" Kaidan asked, holding Bailey in his peripheral vision as he tapped on his omni-tool.

"You mean Lieutenant Wright," he replied. "Hackett assigned him to keep an eye on Shepard. The guy arrived as quickly as he could. He knew the Commander personally back in 72, so the Admiral figured it'd speed up the process."

 _*Knew* him?_

"He never mentioned -"

In but a moment, his whole world came crashing down.

He saw the scene play out by the counter. He saw John's tired demeanor. He saw Ryan as he captured his chin. He saw the subtle smile play on John's full mouth before his head was tilted up... He saw lips colliding as eyes fluttered shut.

"Major?"

Kaidan cleared his dry throat. "Sorry, I just..." he tried, and tightly closed his eyes to suppress the image. "Let's... let's just get this over with." He couldn't see Bailey's face, but he felt the suspicion of narrowed eyes upon him just the same.

"Hey, uh... Commander," he added, barely trusting his voice. "Can you excuse me?"

Bailey gave him a puzzled look. "Uh, yeah. Sure. Suit yourself."

His steps were fast paced when he was out of Bailey's eyesight, and seeing the Spectre Requisitions office in the distance, the sliding doors were his only focus. He shouldn't have been surprised when the door recognized his Spectre status and pushed open. Two terminals were seen by the far end of the walkway when he moved across the floor. When he reached them, he opened the Alliance records, and quickly typed a name into the search field. There had to be a reason why John never mentioned Ryan.

He needed closure. Answers.

Nevertheless, he hadn't expected what he found.

Absolutely nothing.

The name gave no match.

Collecting his bearings, he took a deep breath before he made his way back up to Bailey's office. Ryan's arms were crossed as he and Bailey discussed the situation they found themselves in. He looked up as Kaidan stepped into the room. A casual demeanor as if he had no problems in the world.

Bailey cleared his throat and he was reminded that they weren't alone.

"Major Alenko," Bailey said. "Thought we'd lost you. Found what you were looking for?"

"Yeah, I did." He kept his eyes fixated at Ryan who had a frown on his face - almost nervously looked at Bailey whose expression was deadpan as ever - until he regained Kaidan's gaze. "Hey, uh... Wright. Can we, uh... can we talk?"

Ryan blinked, seeming somewhat taken aback.

"Sure. What's up?" he asked, pushing himself away from the table.

Kaidan motioned his head in their direction to walk and he trailed after. They made their way back to the requisitions office, and when he stopped by the door, Ryan looked at him in question. Kaidan held out a hand in sign for him to enter first, and so he did, him shortly following.

He then pressed the barrel of his gun between his shoulder blades.

Ryan froze.

Kaidan scowled. "You better talk."

"Look, Kaidan. I can explain, all right? You got this all mixed up -"

"Whoa, hey! Hey!" A dark voice took him off-guard. His whole body went cold as if cryogenic rounds had found their way into his system, as John now stood between them, taking Ryan's side in the fight.

He swallowed thickly.

So this is how John felt when he defended Udina.

"I'll handle this, John," Ryan said, voice calm. "Kaidan, just... just put down the gun -"

 _*John?*_

"Not until I get some answers," he replied simply, and attempted to circle around him. Ryan did however do the same as he turned to face him, giving Kaidan a clear shot at his heart, keeping John out of the crossfire.

He honestly believed that he would shoot John.

Like hell.

"Answers to what?" John interjected. "Kaidan, this is fucking insane!"

"I looked you up." Kaidan's grip was firm around the gun as he ignored the interruption. "There's no Alliance record under 'Ryan Wright,' so hell, why don't you tell Commander Shepard here what your real name is? I think we'd both like to know."

John stepped forward. "I already do," he said, voice firm. "Hunt. Ace Hunt."

* * *

 **A/N:** I was shaking when I published this. Ugh. I hope I left enough/not too many hints. I'm going to have to worry about pitchforks and torches outside my door in the coming days, aren't I? I'm sure as hell expecting it.


	41. Ch 41: Old Flame

**Chapter 41: Old Flame**

* * *

 _"We both knew what the stakes were." - Ace Hunt_

In which we go back to when Ace first contacted John after 15 years...

* * *

 **A/N:** This is a John/Ace chapter, just a heads-up. I'm just kicking you when you're down, huh? Wow.

* * *

 **TWO DAYS AGO...**

This was a fucking nightmare.

Shepard had spent his fair share of time in jails but this was the most obnoxious one this far. An expensive apartment. Food that didn't taste like shit. A real fucking bed. He would've thought he'd prefer this to being cuffed in a dark room and a quiet corner, but when the door chimed, he was quickly reminded that he'd rather be back on the streets and sleep atop of a dumpster. The bed was just too fucking soft.

The clock was nearing 0100. Shepard was used to staying up late at night and fix himself something to eat but tonight he felt too lazy to bother. Pulling up from the bed and prepare some coffee downstairs still took all of his energy. Shortly after, he settled in the couch and turned on the vid-screen, trying to focus on something else. He shuffled through the channels twice. Some were documentaries. Some shit drama-vids. Then there was Blasto. Fucking _Blasto._ He couldn't help but feel cheated seeing that he'd been through hell and people were making movies about it.

It didn't take long before he launched the controller back to the coffee table. He kicked up his feet, one of them hitting a concrete surface, making him cringe at the slight *bump* sound the contact made.

His eyes fell to the device quaintly placed by his left foot.

Shepard just looked at it for a long time. Drawing a hand across his face, he blinked the remaining sleep away, and straightened. Might as well do this now. He took it in his hands and fumbled with the square metal, surveying it from each angle, trying to figure out how to approach this. It was an angular thing, somewhat heavy, looking expensive as hell. He had been worried about dropping the damn thing.

Liara, whom he could briefly remember, had stopped by with it earlier. She had assured him that if he actually did drop it, well, it would be all right. The thing was solid as rock and would apparently work whole 50,000 years into the future. It was crazy. She told him that it might help trigger his memories.

Unfortunately, she hadn't told him _how the fuck_ it worked.

Cursing under his breath, he tried to find a mechanism, as it had no buttons that stood out. He'd attempted to get it working before, but fuck, he got none the wiser. He didn't understand why this time would be any different.

What if he just pushed the -?

The device lit up.

 _Fucking finally._

He didn't have the time to investigate further before his phone rang. He frowned. The regular check-ups didn't happen this late at night. Shepard put hands to his thighs and pushed up, stretching as he stood upraised, rolling his neck.

Hearing a small crack, he felt satisfied, and the beeping slowly grew louder.

Reaching the table, he swept up the phone, looking down at an encrypted number. Making his way back to the kitchen, he pushed the fridge door open. Shepard tapped 'answer' and lifted it to his ear, grabbed what he was after from the fridge, and pushed the door shut with his hip.

"Can't it wait until morning?" he asked wearily, and propped a piece of leftover chicken into his mouth.

Silence.

 _"Figured you'd be up."_

He stopped mid-chew as his whole body went rigid.

It couldn't be.

Ghosts don't talk.

With a shaky voice, he asked, "What is this? Some... some kind of sick joke, huh?" Shepard swallowed and raised his voice. "You know what? Go fuck yourself - I don't need -"

 _"I know this is hard to take in, but please... hear me out."_

"How the fuck did you get this number?" he asked, having noticed how his hand was hurting from clutching the phone too tightly.

 _"Let me explain, okay?"_ Shepard clenched his jaw, unable to hold his hand still, and yet he let him. His eyes were intense as he stared at the floor before him. A hand taking the form of a fist. _"This isn't how I wanted to do this, all right? I... hell, I don't know what to say, so let me just keep it simple. Judging by your reaction to all this, I guess... I guess you remember what happened in 72."_

The man on the other end –- whose voice was suspiciously familiar to Ace's - cleared his throat.

Probably some sort of fucked up VI. Someone taking his identity and squandering it.

 _"Okay, so... what you remember? It happened. I got, well, shot,"_ he added. _"After you, Finch and Curt fled the area, I was... Someone found me, bleeding out. I was on the verge of death, but I still had a pulse."_

Shepard found himself shaking lightly.

 _"Those guys that found me? Turns out they were part of a terrorist organization. Those very people I was tasked to wipe out. I told you about them. Don't know if you... don't know if you remember."_

He dared to speak. "Cerberus."

 _"Yeah. Yeah, those people,"_ he replied with a sigh. _"Well, they're... they're pro-human. Not racists, not really, but they want to put humanity before everyone else. Because of your involvement with the Reds, who were also pro-human, they... had kept an eye on you. Showed an interest in working with you."_ He fell into a pause. _"Cerberus got agents everywhere. Eyes and ears. Information is their business. They saw what happened, and, well... figured getting me to cooperate would make it easier to get to you."_

"So they patched you up," Shepard muttered, voice surprisingly leveled.

 _"They did."_

He couldn't think clearly.

"How do I know this is really you?" Shepard found himself asking.

Silence.

 _"You don't."_ The reply was simple but weary. _"I, uh... well, I guess I could tell you something that no one else but the two of us know about."_ It went quiet for a moment. _"Okay, so... remember when I was low on credits after my father, uh... 'disowned' me... after finding out about you? You helped me out by fixing my MC for no charge when you worked as a mechanic, but your boss eventually found out and fired you for it. I was struck with guilt for a long time. You threw a rock through his car window in hope it would make me feel better. Guy never found out who did it."_

Shepard thought hard on it.

"I can't... maybe."

He sighed. _"Okay, let me try again,"_ he replied, and another moment of silence filled the air. Then a small chuckle escaped him. _"You always complained how I was boring and never dared to do anything risky, so I, uh... I wanted to prove you otherwise. About two months before your 18th birthday, I took you out without telling you were we were going. We ended up outside David Anderson's house."_

Shepard felt his lips tugging upwards.

 _"Using an almost-shut window, we crawled in, and I hit my head in the frame. You were grinning like an idiot and told me I was 'too much of a boy scout' to handle a simple break-in. Remember what happened after?"_

"We stole his car," he replied, unable to hide the small smile in his voice. "Security nearly caught us, but you said you were bringing the car in for cleaning, Anderson having allowed us to do it for him."

His whole body went warm when a chuckle was heard a the other end.

 _"You had earlier told me you couldn't drive, so I figured I'd teach you, but you just told me that 'cars were overrated' and brushed it off. We ended up driving over to the closest burger shop and returned the car before the night was over."_

"At least we didn't have to explain the fucking stains in the backseat."

Ace chortled. _Ah... you remembered that, huh? 'Course you did,"_ he replied, before he took a deep breath. _"I'm sorry. I should've told you earlier. As much as I wanted to just blame it on being scared, I can't... hell, that doesn't justify a damn thing. I was a coward. I admit that. I didn't know what to tell you, and... fuck, I'm just... I'm so sorry."_

"Guess we're even, huh?" Shepard asked.

 _"I... I can't think of anything as bad as getting shot, but fine,"_ he replied, light humor in his tone. Shepard couldn't help but smile somewhat sadly. _"I'm sure you've got a lot of questions, but I don't think it's a conversation we should have over the phone. It just doesn't feel right. I get it if you don't want to see me right now, but -"_

"Tiberius Towers," he replied, no doubt in his mind. "It's the apartment with those jarheads guarding the door."

Ace snorted on the other end. _"Okay, great. Although, I uh... suffice to say, I'm already there,"_ he said, and Shepard froze. _"Just outside the door, to be specific."_

His gaze fell to the illuminated, red circle-lock, feeling his heart starting to beat more rapidly.

He managed to get his feet moving, hesitated as his hand hovered over the video-console, although he stopped. With a trembling hand, he pushed the 'door open' button, and the obstacle separating them fell.

Face-to-face with a man about his own height with broad shoulders, light brown hair and unbelievably green eyes, he clenched his jaw.

The man wore a black leather jacket, grey jeans, and a brown - darker tone than his hair - tank top whereas his dog-tags hang proudly between his pecs. So very him. His features had grown up stronger, just like him, but there was no denying who he was.

He was just as handsome as he remembered.

"Hey, Chief," Ace muttered, a soft smile playing on his lips as he still held the phone to his ear. For a moment, Shepard just stared at the man before him. Ace slowly lowered the device.

...and Shepard threw his arms around his neck.

He didn't give a damn that his two doorkeepers witnessed the whole thing. Couldn't care less. There he was, Ace Hunt, standing alive and kicking before him. His first love and partner. The very man who was the reason for him joining up in the Alliance. The very man who convinced him to become a better person. The very man that was, for a long time, his whole world. The very man that he, for fifteen years, had believed to be dead.

The tranquility of their reunion was quickly interrupted as Ace hissed, and Shepard immediately pulled away, looking at him in concern as he clasped his shoulders. Ace's hand had moved to cradle his ribs, and just by that, he realized.

"Shit... what the hell happened to you?"

Ace chuckled lightly. "You didn't think I'd be sitting on my ass while this whole thing had been going on, huh?" he asked, although he winced on the sensation. "Fuck, you just reminded me that the painkillers started to wear off."

"C'mon," Shepard said, and took him by the wrist. "I've got some stored away."

Ace shook his head. "Nah, that's fine. Your ship's doctor transcribed me some. They're in my jacket."

Dr. Chakwas truly was the best. Still, it would take the painkillers some time to kick in. Wrapping up broken ribs wasn't recommended anymore as it took away one's ability to breathe properly, so he had to find something else.

"I'll bring some ice," Shepard said. "Just sit down and try to relax."

After assisting in parting him from the jacket, exposing the strong definition of his muscled arms, Ace obeyed.

Shepard skidded to the kitchen, grabbed the ice from the freezer and wrapped it in a towel before he prepared a glass of water and returned. He saw his green eyes pinched closed in pain, still cradling his ribs, before he looked up to meet Shepard's gaze.

He accepted the water held out to him. "Thanks," he said, and swallowed two painkillers. Ace ingested the water. Closely watching the movement of his Adam's apple as it bobbed slightly, Shepard had to clear his throat.

When Ace reached for his shirt, Shepard offered. "Let me."

Straightening up to give better access, Ace groaned, but bit back the next when the cloth was gently pulled off over his head. Shepard eventually sat down next to him and squared an ankle over his knee. His body turned against his. He surveyed the skin to see a few apparent bruises around the area where the ribs had broken. The round-edged scar below his left pec made him swallow.

He reached for it.

His fingertips ignited at the touch of his warm, soft skin, and a shiver prickled down the length of his spine. He was brought back to the nights that they once shared together. Hot breaths and flushed skin. Swallowed moans and beating hearts. Soft kisses and tender caresses. Ace had always been the passionate kind of man. A man who never hesitated to say 'I love you' amidst it all if he so desired it.

His hand didn't linger, as Ace had quickly grabbed his wrist, moving it away. It was a reminder of a bad memory that they probably both tried to suppress. Shepard looked up to see a reaction, but Ace was as quiet as the night, his expression deadpan.

"I shouldn't have brought you into this mess," Shepard muttered, and handed him the ice.

Ace sucked in a breath. "You didn't. I got here on my own," he replied, and pressed it to below his left pec. He groaned softly at the light pressure. "I figured going undercover into a Cerberus stronghold was a good idea. Incognito, I guess. Turns out I underestimated them."

"No, I mean... the rest of it."

 _The mess that was my life._

Silence.

"We both knew what the stakes were."

When Ace finally turned to look at him, he saw a soft smile appear on his lips, offering a silent forgiveness.

Ace always forgave.

He didn't know how not to.

That subtle smile had always been enough to jumpstart his heart. A sudden longing ushered through as he looked into those familiar, warm, green eyes. It was the same warmth he felt fifteen years ago. The same protecting and loving aura. He could tell, just by that look, that Ace still cared. Even after everything that had happen. After everything Shepard had done. Then the guilt struck him.

They sat there for a while, simply talking.

Ace had tried to help him remember a couple things, but in the end, there was only so much progress before his state of mind came back to remind him that the amnesia was still very much there. He could only remember bits and pieces. Not a single damn thing was clear and it pissed him off. The whole thing was a mess.

The ice was quickly forgotten and discarded after the painkillers kicked in.

Green eyes had moved up, a look mirroring what Shepard felt, pulling him away from his thoughts. Ace had propped his arm to the backrest before fingertips found the scar on Shepard's hairline. A soft spot of his. He shivered.

A silent apology had washed over Ace's expression so Miranda had probably given him an update.

"You know... this is my fault," Ace said, making Shepard cock a brow. "I was working a half-time job as a bartender during my recovery. You were causing trouble while arguing with a rival gang, and the bouncer interfered, only pissing you off even more. I knocked you out with a bottle and patched you up after my shift was over."

In disbelief, Shepard blinked, as this was another detail he couldn't remember.

"Wait, seriously?"

"Yeah..." Ace breathed, almost chuckled. "Yeah, I'm afraid so."

He eventually regained his gaze. Intense green eyes staring right into his blue. He swallowed. Before he could process the situation, he found himself leaning in, eyes half-lidded and brows drawn together. His heart was racing. He hesitated when their lips barely brushed. Ace's hand had moved to the nape of his neck, brushing a thumb gently against his scalp, making his tense up. But when Ace's eyes slowly shut, Shepard reduced the distance between them while doing the same, pressing lips to the slightly chapped skin. Chaste. Soft. Shepard trembled when a hand moved into his hair.

He had missed this. The silent affection. The gentle touches. It had been too long since he acted on love and not lust. Ace was still 'his' Ace, and hell, his presence would make this whole thing bearable.

Ace moved his lips slowly. Patiently. Comforting in ways words could never be. Shepard melted into his chaste nature but he could still detect the want beneath the careful display. He wanted to pull back before he lost himself. Before he forgot that Ace was still very much wounded and accidentally hurt him. But it didn't seem like he could. Endorphins awoken by the sensation. He felt Ace's lips part slightly, allowing him entrance, and slanted his head. Shepard pressed his tongue between the gap, and with a soft 'mhmph,' Ace sucked in a breath through his nose.

But when he tried to deepen the kiss further, Ace turned his head, breaking the connection of their lips with a soft, wet sound that unwillingly went straight to his groin. Leave it to Shepard to read signals wrongly.

Ace sighed. "What are you doing?" he whispered, as his hand fell back to the backrest.

"What does it look like?"

"That was 15 years ago," he said matter-of-factly.

Shepard wanted to snort. "That's a fancy way of saying, 'I've moved on, get over it'."

Silence.

"I haven't." Shepard frowned at his strange, and somewhat cryptic, reply. "It's not like I've been alone all this time. I've dated. Some relationships lasted longer than the others, it just... didn't work out, I guess."

The thought of Ace being with someone else awoke something in him that he hadn't felt in a long time. Shepard had been jealous before but he couldn't pinpoint when. Whether it was jealousy, or envy, he couldn't remember.

Amnesia was a fucking bitch sometimes.

"It's been 15 years, John," Ace added, and shook his head. "It's not like we can just pick up where we left off."

Shepard exhaled. "I get that."

...and he did.

He watched as Ace studied him intently. "Just... give me some time, okay?"

After a moment of just looking at him, Shepard nodded, offering him a promise. It wasn't like he was in a relationship at the time. Yet, something churned up in his abdomen when he thought of Kaidan.

He didn't know why.

* * *

 **NOW...**

Shepard watched as Kaidan's eyes darted between them, bewildered, obviously unable to process the information.

"No, that... that's impossible, you -you shot him." Tightly shutting his eyes, Kaidan moved the gun closer. Shepard immediately went between them again. "I don't know what the hell you've been filling his head with when you've been together, but I'm getting to the bottom of it."

Ace took the word. "It's true, John did shoot me. Hell, I got the scar and everything."

For a moment, Kaidan just looked at him.

"Pull up your shirt," he said.

They watched as Ace carefully reached for the edge of the cloth, drawing it up to his pec, and Shepard saw Kaidan lock his jaw. His steady, brown-eyed gaze was focused on the scarred skin, until it moved back up.

The cloth dropped back to the rim. "How did you know?"

Shepard could vaguely remember.

"'Cause I told him," he said.

"You also specifically told me that Ace isn't a biotic, and here he is, Vanguard and everything."

"I like you, Kaidan. I really do - and I get why you would react like this, believe me," Ace said. "It's only reasonable to take precautions, and you've got the right to be concerned, so I'll tell you. The whole damn thing."

So he did.

Yet, when he finished, Kaidan was in disbelief.

"You honestly expect me to believe that _Cerberus_ \- a terrorist organization - took you in after you killed dozens of their soldiers," he said, snapping his fingers. "Just like that?"

"Hell, he shot me," Ace said, motioning his head Shepard's way. "Don't you think that puts some serious strains on a relationship?"

Shepard grunted.

"Cerberus figured that I wanted revenge," Ace continued. "The Illusive Man wasn't stupid, though. I had to... do some questionable things to gain their trust. Still didn't get completely through to them, though - even then. Could've sworn operatives were watching me 24/7. I'm not proud of it, but it had to be done. Either that, or it was my ass. I couldn't care less, but Anderson needed me. Needed the intel."

"And the whole Vanguard thing?" Kaidan asked.

"Cerberus fitted me with implants and trained me. John didn't lie to you. I wasn't a biotic back ithen. I had been exposed to Element Zero, sure –- but who haven't?"

Kaidan snorted jeeringly. "And then you simply buy all this after he shows up after 15 years?" he asked, directed at Shepard.

"I wanted to tell him earlier, but I couldn't take that chance," Ace said. "After you guys blew up Cerberus HQ, I didn't need to be in hiding anymore. I could go back. Then I was stalled even further when I was assigned to the same mission as you. Cerberus wasn't gone. Admiral Hackett ordered me to keep the alias. I spent the past few weeks doing missions related to the war, recruiting scientists and soldiers to be working on the Crucible, and to figure out what the hell I was going to tell him when I got back.

"After our mission on Minuteman Station, Hackett ordered me to do whatever the hell I could to replenish John's memory - seeing that I was the last person he could remember - so here I am, doing the best with what I've got. The details? It's all under my real name."

Kaidan still didn't waver.

"Find the file," he said.

Those honey-brown eyes of his watched Ace intently as he walked up to the terminal, searching up his own name, shuffling through them. Then the file stood right before them. _Classified,_ he thought, seeing the red stamp. _Not deceased._ Kaidan stared for a long time.

"So... we good?" Ace asked, breaking him from his thoughts.

He saw Kaidan swallow hard. "Yeah... Yeah, we're good," he said, voice close to a mutter. He slowly lowered the firearm. Shepard couldn't help but notice the drainage in the brown hue. "My mistake."

For a brief moment, he caught Kaidan's eye, and what he saw made his abdomen churn.

Brown eyes lingered on his for a while, but then Kaidan tore free from his gaze as if he couldn't hold it anymore, choking out a strangled, "I'm... I -I need to go" before he backed a step, circled around, and made a beeline for the exit.

Shepard just stood there, looking at the empty space before him, trying to process what he just saw.

He could've sworn he had seen Kaidan's eyes water. A man who had always seemed calm and collected. One who had a leveled head. His emotions were kept at bay and had been difficult to fathom, but right then, he looked...

...he looked like a man who had just lost everything.


	42. Ch 42: Ashlee

**Chapter 42: Ashlee**

* * *

" _He said he was proud of me." - John Shepard_

In which another shocking revelation is presented...

* * *

"Thought you'd want to hold onto these," Ace said, and held out a pair of dog tags.

In a lazy movement, Shepard pushed aside the bag he had packed for his transfer. He frowned as he looked down on the pieces of metal now in his hand. Flipping the tags around between his fingers, his eyes traversed the initials, and his expression softened.

Anderson's.

He had finally began to recall parts of what happened at the Citadel. Anderson had indeed been with him, and after the Illusive Man committed suicide to fight his indoctrination, they had been overlooking the sky. He said something about the view, and Shepard had dryly responded, "best seats in the house." Anderson had bled out besides him but the memory was still fuzzy. His final words still haunted him.

 _/"You did good, son. You did good. I'm... proud of you."/_

"So... we truly were close," he muttered.

Ace smiled somewhat sadly. "Yeah, he cared a great deal about you. It didn't take much effort to see that. I think you're the only one who weren't aware of how much."

Silence.

"He said he was proud of me."

After a pause, Ace said, "He always have been." Shepard nodded, but said nothing, afraid his voice would betray him. That the movement of his lips would somehow trigger the salty substance that he could tell was bound to break through.

He closed his fist around the dog tags and immediately regretted every harsh word he'd thrown at him.

Ace pulled up the chair that had been used to change a light bulb. "Have you given it a chance?" Ace asked to change topic, and peeked at the square metal. Shepard shook his head and put the dog tags at the dresser next to the device. "T'Soni told me that it might be too much to handle all at once, but... that's a risk I'd be willing to take if I was in your place. There's only so much I can do. I wasn't here in 73 and up."

"Think it'll work?" Shepard stepped up to it and took it in his hands.

"Certainly worth a try," Ace said, and folded his arms across his chest. Shepard relocated the interface button, and once again, the device lit up. "I'll give you some space, okay? There's bound to be some personal stuff in there."

Shepard arched a brow. "You know literally everything 'bout me, Ace."

"Yeah, sure... but I also know that you bedded Miranda Lawson in the damn engine room," he replied with a smirk, and Shepard found himself grinning. "Just... forgive me if I don't want to see that."

"So? We'll just keep off the cameras in that section."

"John. You have amnesia. For all we know, you could've done it in the cockpit, too. I wouldn't be surprised."

"Point taken. Still... it'd just be porn. High-tech, quality porn in holographic detail -" Ace drove an elbow into his stomach, and Shepard choked on his words, becoming a chuckle.

"I'll be outside to prepare the skycar if you need me," Ace said, and pushed up from his seat. "It'll be ready in 15 minutes."

Shepard nodded. Ace gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze before he swept up the bag from his bed and started working his way downstairs. It had only been about half a week since Toshiwa had wounded him, so his ribs were still healing, but Ace was almost as stubborn as he was.

When Shepard was left alone with the device, he started from the very first recordings, gaining some new intel.

The first of EDI's logs involved engineers checking if everything was in order, so he skimmed through, only starting to play them from the point he arrived in the ship for the very first time. Crewmembers were introduced. Retrofitted at their posts. Nothing really stood out in the first logs, so he got none the wiser right then and there, until it was time to get to the skycar. He'd have to resume the other logs on a later date.

* * *

"You're joking."

"His story adds up, Garrus," Kaidan said, having recognized the ridiculous situation. "I already contacted Hackett to have it confirmed. It's legit. It makes sense for him to walk back into Shepard's life to help out, it's just... Christ. I thought stuff like this only happened in the movies.

"Should've listened to you from the beginning," he added.

"It's never too late to just tell him." Garrus' mandibles clicked as his gaze trailed away. "Just... brace for a bigger impact, that's all. I don't think anyone enjoys being lied to. Shepard, in particular. He gave the Illusive Man one hell of a time after he lured us to a collector ship, and seeing that he always distrusted him... let's just say it wasn't pretty."

He knew that it wasn't too late, but that didn't make things any easier, and he kept bringing up excuses.

There was however one excuse that he could get behind.

"I know. I planned to tell him, it's just..." he tried, and fell into a pause. "He seems happy, okay?"

"Kaidan -"

"I'm not going to take that away from him," he nearly snapped, the anger having raised in his voice. Garrus remained quiet then. "He needs someone to turn to right now and Ace is going to do one hell of a better job than me these days. He _knows_ this Shepard. I don't. I'm as clueless as anyone else. I can do nothing but stay back and hope that he eventually remembers. It's all I can do."

"Well, you certainly know him better than anyone else here. I hope you know what you're doing, Kaidan. We hate to see you like this," he said, and Kaidan felt a faint smile surface. "You know... hiring some krogan mercenaries is still an option..."

"No, Garrus."

"You're no fun," he pouted.

" _Major Alenko,"_ they heard Samantha chime from the comm, and looked up towards the speakers. _"Admiral Hackett has requested to speak with you as soon as possible. He's available on the vid-comm."_

"On my way, Sam," he said, and pushed up from the bar stool "...and Garrus? Thanks."

Garrus nodded at him and Kaidan headed for the door.

* * *

Kaidan had been deep in a past report when his phone rang.

There was yet no traces of Toshiwa, and it was starting to wear him out, trying to figure out if he had missed something between the lines. The food that Liara had brought up to him had been left untouched at the desk. That certainly was behind the incoming headache. It had probably gotten cold already, but hell, that was his own fault. He had been constantly sipping at his coffee, though, trying to stay awake.

"This is Major Alenko," he said, and put aside the mug. "Who am I speaking to?"

" _Oh, thank god. I'm glad you're awake. My name is Kahlee Sanders,"_ came a female voice, and Kaidan's eyes shot up. _"Forgive the intrusion, but I... I wanted to speak with you. For starters, I was... involved... with David Anderson."_

The subtle pain in her voice made his abdomen churn.

"I heard," he replied softly, and straightened in his seat. "I'm sorry for your loss, Miss Sanders. He... he was a good man."

She chuckled fondly.

 _"Yes... yes he certainly was. Millions of people are feeling his loss ever since he was officially reported KIA,"_ she muttered, and he could hear the strain in her voice. _"Anyways, this... this is not why I called. I don't seek pity. I called because David... shared some intel with me. That you were close to Commander Shepard."_

"Yeah. Yeah, we were. What's this about?"

" _I know he's alive. That, and the amnesia he's currently dealing with, hence why I contacted you,"_ she replied, her tone warm. _"This... is difficult for me to say. The past few days, I have been taking care of a 4 year old girl whose mother recently... fell to the reapers. She had become indoctrinated, and at her passing, she left behind this sweet little girl."_ He could heard the fond smile in her voice. _"Her name is Ashlee, just like the Gunnery Chief, but with a different spelling. It's written with two 'e's instead of 'ey'."_

He couldn't help the somewhat pained smile that breached the surface.

His smile slowly faltered, though, realizing that this little girl was another target that Toshiwa could choose to pursue. Kahlee obviously cared about her. Still, Toshiwa could impossibly be that heartless, risking the safety of a kid. At least he hoped he wasn't.

 _"I figured that I'd bring this up to you, considering the circumstances,"_ she added, and he could hear her take a deep breath. _"She's... she's Shepard's daughter."_

He froze.

"What?" he found himself asking, his voice soft.

" _Yes... what a shocker, right?"_ she asked, and he took note of the subtle but friendly sarcasm. _"We can all agree that Shepard is a strapping young man who has had several admirers. Probably unconsciously broken quite a few hearts. I'm willing to bet that you're not a stranger to that yourself, Major. I assume he never told you about her."_

"He knew?"

" _Yes, he did, but... he didn't trust himself to take care of her. Shepard asked the mother if she would allow him to stay out of the girl's life. She accepted. Their... union... hadn't been out of love. They simply shared a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship."_

Kaidan understood the situation "...and now the girl's without parents."

" _Exactly,"_ she replied. _"I know this is a lot to ask of you, Major... but I'd very much appreciate if you could take care of her for him. Until he recovers, at least. It's Shepard's decision if he wants to keep her, or... put her up for adoption. Admiral Hackett informed me of this whole situation involving Toshiwa, and... well, I want the girl to be safe."_

"Kahlee, John -Shepard and I... we're currently not together."

" _I know of Ace, yes,"_ she said, her tone genuine. _"Leaving her to your care was however David's wish."_

Anderson knew. He knew of Ace, he knew of little Ashlee, he knew of everything. Keeping all of those things to himself had to be one hell of a challenge. Kaidan found himself respecting him even more than he already did.

" _I promise you, Kaidan. She won't be a burden. She was raised well."_

Kaidan swallowed hard.

"If that's Anderson's and your wish, then yeah... yeah, okay. I'll take care of her," he muttered.

" _Thank you so much. I'm sure Shepard will appreciate it. Jondum Bau is yet on the case with Toshiwa, and I'm sure that the Council will make an exception, and assign someone else to take your place._ _Do you have a place to stay?"_

"Well, uh... if the _Normandy_ will suffice, then yeah. That okay?"

" _Oh, that's perfect. The girl loves spaceships. Little Ash told me she'd always dreamed of being on one."_

Kaidan let out a small chuckle. "Heh. Okay, great."

" _Do you mind taking her off my hands tomorrow?"_

"I... No, not at all. This is just... this is a lot to take in, you know?"

" _I understand, Kaidan. Believe me, I'm sorry to put this on you. Just know that you'll doing Shepard a great favor,"_ she replied, and Kaidan nodded solemnly. _"I'll bring her to C-Sec on the Citadel. Again, thank you."_

"No problem. I'll see you later, then."

" _Sure thing. Take care of yourself, Kaidan."_

"Likewise."

After he hung up the phone, he slowly let his hand drop to his side, eyes fluttering shut as he inhaled a sharp breath. He never expected any of this. John had a 4-year-old daughter going by the name of 'Ashlee.' He couldn't entirely understand why John never brought it up, but putting it into perspective, he probably felt guilty about the whole situation. Nevertheless, now a kid - _John's_ kid - was about to be taken into his care, and his nerves started acting up.

* * *

Kaidan was the first to arrive at the Citadel the next day.

The anticipation was torture as he paced Bailey's office. Biting into his lower lip, he found himself unable to stand still, rubbing his wrist with his hand until it nearly hurt. He wanted to do things right. Make a good impression. Bailey had been teasing him about 'giving himself an ulcer,' having been informed of the exchange, and it didn't take long before the door *whooshed* open.

Miss Sanders was the first to step inside.

Kahlee arrived in her perfectly pressed Alliance uniform. She had received Alliance training herself, although she worked as a scientist at Grissom Academy, working with talented biotics. Her work was quite similar to Kaidan's Biotics Division, although Kaidan simply had the training, with little knowledge of the scientific part of the whole ordeal. He could only imagine what she was going through these days now when Anderson was gone.

She was an upstanding woman who knew how to take care of herself, but he took note of the wear and tear, having marked her.

A small figure held tightly onto Kahlee's hand. Kaidan froze when he saw her. The girl had John's blue eyes but her hair was ebon. Her eyes were big, puppy-dog like, long lashes fluttering as she looked up at him. He had never seen a cuter kid in his life.

Kahlee smiled. "Ashlee? This is Major Kaidan Alenko from the vids. He'll be taking care of you for the upcoming weeks."

At first, the kid seemed intimidated. Carefully, Kaidan slowly dropped to his knee before her to be on her level. She seemed to relax a bit more then. Ash became more and more visible as she peeked from behind Kahlee's leg.

"The hero Spectre major?" she asked, her voice small.

Kahlee nodded. "Exactly. The hero Spectre major."

"Wow..." she muttered, her blue eyes sparking.

Kaidan couldn't contain the smile. "Hey, Ashlee," he said softly. The girl smiled big, shyly hiding back behind Kahlee. "I'm not dangerous." Kaidan held out his hand, and eventually, she pushed carefully away from Kahlee to take it.

He took her tiny hand between his. "How are you doing, huh?"

Ashlee nodded her answer.

"That's great, Ashlee. Can I call you Ash?" he asked, and she nodded again. "Well, Ash. The hero Spectre major is going to take good care of you. That's a promise. You're going to be living on the very spaceship that was on the front line in the war. Now when the Commander is away, you need to take his place, okay? Keep things in order. Maybe our pilot - Joker - will even let you sit in the pilot seat."

The girl flashed a beaming smile, contagious as hell, so Kaidan had no chance resisting to return one.

He had fallen in love with the kid at first glance.

* * *

 **A/N:** Me and my plot twists, huh? This is the last one, though. Promise.

I kinda wanted the kid to be John and Miranda's, as it would make more sense, but Miranda can't have kids because of her genetics. This might seem out of the blue, but I always planned to implement a kid, I just didn't know how to include it properly. I hope it didn't happen way too sudden for it to be believable, although I'd understand if you think so. Figured that another 'Ashley' would confuse people, so hey, 'Ashlee.'


	43. Ch 43: Conflicts

**Chapter 43: Conflicts**

* * *

 _"We'll see 'bout that..." - John Shepard_

In which John and Kaidan... uh... work out some tension (and Kaidan learns something about John's past that breaks his heart.)

* * *

 **A/N, TRIGGER WARNING:** Explicit sex and mentions of prostitution, mild flashback of hinted rape. The whole scene will be written in _italics,_ so if you want to skip it, that's completely fine. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Still, it had a significance in my Shep's life, so I needed to include it for that very reason.

Trust is _very_ important to him.

Anyways... here's some smut, and there's more smut to cum (wow, did you really just go there?) And yes, some would classify this as 'cheating,' but I think you guys are okay with it as long as it's m!Shenko.

BTW, I upped the rating.

* * *

Shepard fell into the couch first time he arrived at the room he'd be spending his time in. This Alliance facility was exactly what Kaidan had said it to be. Shrinks wouldn't stop bothering him once a week, the food was fucking horrible and surveillance checked up on him twice a day, although he could adjust to their patterns. The time he had left was spent staring at the walls, counting the tiles, and figuring out how much trouble he could get in before the staff lost their patience. These guys were however relentless and seemed to pay no mind to it. After his first week there, he decided to just be, simply slacking off and watching vids.

The Alliance had given Ace lighter work, and knowing him, he would do whatever he could to help the galaxy rebuild. That's at least what he had told him after he headed out the door the very day of his transfer.

Ace had been acting strange lately. Put more distance between them as he rarely showed up anymore. He couldn't figure out why.

When he later questioned him about it, Ace told him that everything was fine, but that there was no need for him to stick around as consistently as he had before. He was right, but Shepard wouldn't mind having him there, as days passed way too slowly without him. He was getting restless. Still, he was well-aware that Ace wasn't the type of guy to just sit back, and his work here was done.

He couldn't help but suspect if Kaidan pointing a gun at him had something to do about it.

Shepard was downright pissed at him when they found themselves in that situation, but the moment Kaidan simply looked at him with _that_ fucking look, all the pent up energy and want to punch him just vanished.

That damn look.

It was so fucking familiar, and yet, he couldn't put his finger on it. Honey-brown eyes staring right into his soul. The way he looked entirely broken. It reminded him of a look that one would give someone dear right before they ran to their immediate destruction.

Wincing, he took after his head.

An image bore into his brain. Blood-soaked armor. Pale skin. Pleading honey-brown eyes. Kaidan looked exhausted as one of his arms were thrown around the shoulder of the turian he had seen back in London. His leg had a piece of shrapnel sticking out. Around him, he heard emitting lasers and explosions, standing at the ramp of some ship. It was the _Normandy._ Kaidan was reaching after him.

 _/"Go!"/_

It was Shepard's voice who called his way.

 _The fuck?_

Shepard could tell that the scene had played out in London judging by the look of it. Those memories coming back to him were however fragmented. He could only hope that they would all make sense one day. He had watched a bunch of those logs on the device in his spare time but nothing in his mind clicked. It appeared useless. Shepard wanted to remember, but no matter how hard he tried, it didn't seem to work.

He blew hard through his nose when he heard a knock on the door.

Too tired to shout, he asked, "What?"

Pushing up from the couch to sit straight, he turned as he door fell open, propping a sleeveless arm to the backrest as he looked over his shoulder. Nevertheless, he hadn't expected who it was.

"This a bad time?"

He let his gaze trail downwards, over Kaidan's broad chest, down across his hip, further until he stopped at his shoes. He noticed how he was wearing civilian clothes, almost having forgotten how he looked under that armor he last saw him in.

When his glance drifted back up, Kaidan uneasily shifted on his feet as his eyes averted, aware that he was being eyed up.

Shepard sighed, and shook his head. "Just killing time, anyways."

 _Was about to jack off, but fuck, guess I'll have to wait._

He put a hand to his thigh and pulled himself up completely, approaching a table in the same room where the device was located, and brought a hand to the interface. He pressed the 'off' button. It had been playing for a while.

"Something I should know?" Shepard added.

Kaidan went quiet then, and he took note of his hesitation, but then finally spoke.

"Figured I'd drop by with some of your stuff from the ship."

He wasn't carrying anything, so this 'stuff' had to be outside, awaiting a confirmed arrival. The Alliance was probably checking the boxes for any sticky bombs or trackers. They were paranoid, but it never hurt to be extra careful, and Shepard was smart enough not deny them their search. Whatever the boxes contained was lost to him. He had no idea what he could've left back at the ship, but then again, his mind had been entirely focused on the curve of Kaidan's ass and his moans that he paid little attention to the local.

"You got the hots for me, Alenko?" he asked casually, and looked up. Kaidan resembled a deer in headlight, much to his amusement, as a slow smirk spread on Shepard's lips.

Kaidan blinked. "I -What?"

"C'mon, we already fucked. Some honesty wouldn't hurt. Yes or no?"

After a moment of just looking at him wide-eyed, Kaidan cleared his throat. "Look, Shepard. I told you. It was a mistake," he replied, but that didn't convince Shepard in the slightest. Kaidan took a step back when he casually approached him, but he remained right there, not backing away any further. He'd have some fun with this one, all right.

"I'm not the kind of guy that does that sort of thing," he added, and held up a hand to stop him from coming any closer.

"But you did."

"Well, yeah, but it's not like we've haven't -" Kaidan immediately stopped himself. Shepard arched a brow. "Look," he tried again, Shepard having moved close enough to feel a hand splayed on his chest. "This is not why I'm here."

He was done playing coy.

"Maybe you just wished you'd run into Ace so you could shoot him, huh?" he spat, expressing his dismay as he pushed his chest into his touch. "Sorry to break it to you, sweetheart - but I haven't seen him in two weeks."

He felt the blood boil inside of him. A mix between anger and lust. He haven't had sex ever since he woke up from coma, so if he wasn't so horny, then he might actually have had been able to think rationally. Shepard didn't know whether to kill him or strip him from his clothes, take in every ounce of his body, brush fingers against his stubble, run his tongue up his neck and take him in hand, so he just stood there. He shouldn't be thinking like this, but he couldn't help it, either. His mind went amok. Endorphins increasing tenfold. The air was thick between them.

"That's not fair," Kaidan replied, his husky voice with a hint of sincere apology. "I thought he was going to kill you. That he was a Cerberus agent on the inside of the Alliance. Like it or not, but your memory is crucial, and I -" He stopped. _"We..._ can't lose you." Kaidan fell into another pause. "I'm not here for him but I'm not here for you, either."

"So you're telling me you _don't_ want me to fuck you senseless?" he asked, amused.

Kaidan scoffed. "Is everything about sex for you?" he asked, anger present in his voice. "You -you are... reckless. A downright ass."

"Yeah? Didn't hear any complaints when my cock was rammed up yours."

"So that's where we're at, huh?" he asked, scowling. Fuck, he was sexy when he was angry. The way his thick brows furrowed and nose crinkled slightly. Shepard's eye fell to the scar on his curled lip to see a sneer, mouth only inches away from his own, before regaining the eye-contact. "I didn't know you were a real piece of work back then, and hell, I'm not playing your damn game."

Shepard leant in, and their lips nearly brushed. "We'll see 'bout that..."

Not wasting a moment to grab him by the fabric of his shirt, Shepard crushed his body with his own against the wall. Kaidan moaned, and this time, he immediately went for his lips to silence it. Shepard licked his way into his mouth, his tongue received with enthusiasm, short nails digging into his hair as he slanted his head to deepen the sloppy kiss.

Kaidan rubbed up against him, feeling his semi-hard arousal as he moved in eager motions, Shepard pressing up harder to feel his full length. His breath had reduced to hot, short puffs, grazing his cheek, sending shivers down the length of his spine. Moving his hand down, he cupped Kaidan through his pants, catching a throaty moan as he began to rub him. Kaidan buckled up towards his touch, panting heavily between kisses, while Shepard swallowed his every moan that went straight down.

An arm was laid across his shoulder and his cheek captured, as Kaidan turned them around to press his back to the wall, surprising Shepard. Kaidan dominated the kiss and he was no longer in charge, his body hard and warm against his own.

Their lips parted with a wet sound, and Kaidan's mouth worked across his jaw.

There was something about the guy that made him feel all fuzzy. Safe. It took time before he even looked at Ace as more than a client, not being an immediate feeling of belonging, but Kaidan was something else entirely. The moment he approached him at that bar, when his eyes met the whiskey-brown hue, he had for a moment forgotten to breathe. It confused the fuck out of him. He simply flagged it off as being a result to the lack of sex he had lately. When you were holed up in a hospital, after learning that you were some sort of fucking hero to the galaxy, shit gets confusing.

It wasn't like he was cheating, either. Not really. Ace didn't have any sort of claim on him or anything. It wasn't like it was new that Shepard was fucking someone else while in a committed relationship, as Ace knew of his job as a sex worker, and accepted it. This was the first time he felt guilty over it. It looked like those years he had lost were finally catching up to him. Making him realize that having simply one partner benefited in the long run. Shit.

When the fuck did he get so sappy?

He began to focus on the now - of how fucking much he needed a damn release - and shut his mind off completely. He was there, right now, and he had a downright gorgeous man before him who was willing to give him that release.

A man that both pissed him off and aroused him at the same time.

Deadly combination.

With practiced ease, they began to strip down like madmen, and fell to the bed. Shepard was the first to feel the soft sheet underneath his now bare back, Kaidan hunched over him, still fully clothed as his lips worked him over. Kaidan's full mouth was a fucking godsend, hitting his every single available sweet spot, as if they were marked with red crosses. But the panic set in when his wrist was grasped and he was turned on his abdomen.

"N -no, wait!" Shepard managed to place a hand between his pecs before he pushed him off. Bewildered, Kaidan now lay splayed on his back while he himself sprung up from the bed with wide eyes. Aroused and in shock, he stood over him, his breathing heavy and uncontrolled.

Kaidan pushed up to sit. "Whoa, hey -hey! What's wrong?"

"I can't... I need to..."

Trying to focus, he couldn't recall what was happening before Kaidan stood before him, a hand on his cheek as he was stared at with characteristic concern. Worried eyes looked him all over, as if searching for some sort of damage, like he had somehow hurt him.

But the damage was mental, not physical, and it wasn't Kaidan's fault.

#

" _Shepard... took your damn time," Jericho said, his hip pressed against a table._

 _Clenching his jaw, Shepard just stood there while expecting the worst. Jericho never called him over unless some shit was going on or he was in big fucking trouble. After everything that had been happening lately, he could only hope that it was nothing._

" _You wanted to see me?"_

" _I did." Jericho pushed away from the table, and the air grew thicker. "It recently came to my attention that you've been away."_

 _*Fuck.*_

 _He decided not to jump to any conclusions. "You already knew I was a mechanic."_

" _Sure did. I also know that you got kicked out," he replied, his voice low and dangerous. Shepard swallowed the thick substance in his throat down. He knew. Jericho was going to kill him. He just knew it "...but that's not what I'm talking about."_

 _In the past, Shepard had been blinded by the fact that Jericho was a good-looking guy only 6 years older than him. Like a teenage girl gushing over some hot history teacher. When he came of age, he wanted to do whatever he could to impress him, so he was a like loyal fucking puppy. Back then, he couldn't see past his appearance to know what kind of man he actually was. A power-hungry asshole. A fucked up individual that could smile with a kid's blood splattered on the wall. He had always felt intimidated by him but he made damn sure never to let him know that._

 _It'd be a death-sentence._

 _Jericho approached him, but he stood his ground. "You're employed somewhere else," he added in an amused undertone, stopped before him and folded his arms across his chest "...and as a fucking whore, no less."_

 _He could breathe out._

 _Shepard had been worried that he had found out about Ace, or the fact that he backed down from killing Aaron, so he was relieved to find out that it was about him being a sex-worker. It wasn't exactly something he tried to hide._

" _So?" he asked, frowning. "Shouldn't complain that people are willing to pay just to fuck me."_

 _In fact, Shepard would've quit the Reds if it wasn't for the backfire it'd cause. He was kind of a local favorite, so he had enough money to drop out, but the thrill was entirely different when it came to sex. The Reds offered him the second kind of action, and when everything he knew was how to hold a gun and use his wits, then it fit him perfectly. Ace had long wanted him to drop out, but knowing the danger of it, he quickly retracted his judgement. His support meant a great deal to him. Ace had offered to pay him out, but Shepard had refused, wanting to handle it himself._

" _You any good?"_

 _He snapped back at the sound of Jericho's voice only to realize what he'd just suggested. Shepard was well-aware of the fact that he couldn't exactly charge his boss. Not without ending up dead in some ditch._

" _Average," he said simply, but the slow upturn of Jericho's lips revealed that he didn't believe him._

 _"Let me be in charge of that..." Shepard froze when the collar of his leather jacket was grasped and he was pushed up against the wall. He shivered when the cloth was pulled down over his biceps, but not in the good way, and thrown aside. Then a hand tugged at his tank top and he was turned, pushed and backed, further inside the room._

 _Smugly, Jericho murmured, "C'mon, Shep. Why so tense? We both know you wanted this once." Fuck, he knew that too. "I don't do kids. I'm not that fucked up... but you turn 18 this year, don't you?"_

 _There was no use lying._

 _The danger of the situation only hit him when he found himself back-down on the bed, fists clutched around the fabric underneath, as Jericho stood over him. His heart was pounding erratically, a feeling of dread spreading out his whole body, hands clammy as he yet clasped the sheets. Shepard scowled deeply. The way his blue eyes held such venom only seemed to arouse Jericho further. Jericho knew he had the upper hand and he relished in it, savored it, as he pushed Shepard's back harder to the bed and crawled over him._ _Teeth bit into his neck, hard, as Jericho's hand dropped down to cup him through his pants. Shepard involuntarily groaned._

 _When he attempted to pull away, he was forcefully rubbed up against him, as Jericho bit into his neck again with such power that he started bleeding. He turned his head away, which in returned exposed his neck further, and tried to find a way out._

 _He spotted the gun on the nightstand._

 _With all his force, he tried to push him off. When his fingertips briefly touched upon the gun, he was only to feel a forearm pressing down on his throat, pushing him back down. The firearm fell to the floor and out of reach. Unable to breathe, he attempted to pry his arm away with both hands but to no avail. Jericho was too strong._

" _You're a real piece of work, Shepard," he spat, and pressed harder. Shepard felt his eyes nearly roll back in his skull. Just as he was about to lose consciousness, Jericho let up his grip. Too weak to react, his wrist was captured and he was turned around._

 _Groaning, Shepard's cheek was pressed to the bed. He could barely move._

" _You think you're so fucking tough," Jericho added "...but your life ain't worth shit. You're worthless. A sad fucking soul putting on a tough-guy image so the predators won't catch you." Shepard tried to wriggle out, but Jericho twisted his arm behind his back until he nearly squealed in pain. "I see through your charade. I see how you're simply a piece of walking meat just waiting to be butchered. You're nothing but expendable. An asset among thousands. It's about time you realized who's in charge."_

 _He tried to free himself again, to no avail. "I know what you did, Shepard," Jericho continued, the sinister smirk heard in his voice. "I know you let that kid go. I also know about that pretty little boyfriend of yours. Ace, was it?" Shepard's breath hitched, his heart beginning to beat vehemently. "So you better do exactly what I say... or I'll make sure you'll never be able to sleep without one eye open and a dagger under your pillow again."_

 _Feeling his eyes cloud up, he clenched his jaw._

 _...and he stopped fighting._

#

"The fact that the Reds turned on me wasn't the only reason why I ran," he muttered, now sitting on the bed with Kaidan besides him.

What Jericho did to him had him scarred for life. At the first chance he got, he tried to escape, get away from the streets of New York as soon as possible. Jericho had kept him as his personal plaything for weeks. It wasn't just a one-time thing and Shepard was powerless to fight it. Still, after all that, Jericho still turned on him. The worst part was knowing that he was still out there.

"Christ, John..." Kaidan breathed, and he found himself swallowing at his heartfelt response. "I'm... I'm so sorry, I didn't -"

"It's fine," he snapped, but he knew it wasn't. "I'm... fine." His eyes were watering again, and before he knew it, he had been pulled into Kaidan's strong arms and he was cradling him as if he was his last lifeline.

His body was shaking, his breathing heavy, but he wasn't sobbing.

Not even Ace knew about that part of his life, and there he was, having told Kaidan the whole damn story. The feeling of belonging he had when he was with Kaidan scared the fuck out of him. It scared him to know that someone had such intimate knowledge of his life. It scared him because he was little more than a stranger. It scared him because he'd never felt so attached to someone before.

Kaidan didn't even judge him.

"You know we don't need to do this, right?" he asked, his husky voice soft. "I'm okay with whatever you're comfortable with. If you want to talk, or if you want me to just stay without doing anything, I can do that... or if you want me to leave, I can do that, too."

He didn't even bail when he was refused sex.

When he was about to pull away, separate from Kaidan's warm embrace, a scary thought hit him.

 _I don't want to be alone._

Shepard exhaled. "Shit... stay. Just, fucking stay. Please."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay," he replied, and pulled away. Shepard immediately wanted him back. "I need to get back before daylight, though. I'm currently on the bench, but Admiral Hackett needs me for the next mission by the end of the week. I need to take care of a few things."

He found himself clasping Kaidan's forearm, and as he lay back down on the bed, he pulled him down to lay beside him. Feeling the warmth of a body besides him, it still wasn't enough. He needed contact. Something. So he sat up, meeting a somewhat puzzled look that shortly softened, as he placed himself to cradle Kaidan's hips with his thighs. Kaidan pushed up to meet his mouth when he lowered his head, but when he fell back down, their lips stuck together and he drew Shepard with him.

The kiss was soft, gentle, chaste. There was no lust behind it. No expectations.

He shivered when a hand briefly slipped up beneath his shirt, in the good way, but it was quickly retracted with an apologetic "sorry" from the man below him. Shepard didn't care, so he clasped Kaidan's wrist, and pushed his hand back up. It went further this time, knowing it was okay, and the good kind of goosebumps prickled his skin. In languid motions, Kaidan drew circles with his fingertips, and Shepard found himself kissing him harder.

It didn't take long before his hand was at Kaidan's neck, tipping him around to feel his weight on top of him.

Sucking in a breath through his nose, Kaidan pressed harder against his lips as he retracted his hand and grasped his thigh to push him up against him. Shepard bit into his lower lip before he received his tongue, tasting him, savoring the wet sensation.

It started out as a comforting embrace, but quickly turned into more, as both began to twist and pull and moan.

Kaidan took the hint that he wanted more when he knew that his cock was pressing up against him. Beginning to tug at Kaidan's shirt, he was desperate to have him separated from the cloth, to feel his flushed, soft skin against his own. Kaidan obeyed his wishes, pulling up to briefly break the connection of their lips before he shoved the fabric off over his head. His dog tags were released, and Shepard grasped them, pulling him back. Kaidan moaned into his mouth, each small sound coming from him increasing the intensity of his throbbing member, as he rocked his hips forward to feel that Kaidan was semi-hard and well on his way himself.

He was almost convinced that he was the one to swap their places, but it didn't matter, because he soon had Kaidan stripped to his naked glory and his erection sprung free. Pulling off his own shirt, Shepard was caught off guard and tipped back around, groaning as his back encountered the furniture beneath. A moan slipped through Shepard's parted lips as Kaidan sucked the mole on his neck into his mouth, rendering him immobile, having hit another spot that he always seemed to find. Kaidan's lips were all over him again, but he had slowed down, and then pressed his forehead to his. They were both breathing heavily.

When Kaidan looked up, the sight of dilated pupils and hazed, brown-hue, he felt a hand cup his cheek.

"You can trust me," Kaidan soothed, smiling softly.

Nodding solemnly, he let him pull down his pants and briefs. The cold air rushed across his body. He believed him. Kaidan rolled halfway off of him, and Shepard turned, his abdomen touching the now warm fabric beneath. He could relax without effort. Closing his eyes, he adored the feeling of Kaidan's naked form atop of his own, sucking in a breath as he felt his length against his thigh. Kaidan kissed him again. He kissed him on his cheek, his neck, on his scalp, on his shoulder blades and on the upper half of his back, and Shepard relished in his every touch.

"K?" he asked, amazed by how soft his voice sounded. Kaidan hummed a reply for him to continue. Shepard found himself swallowing hard. "Why do you keep coming back?"

The lazy kisses on his back stopped then.

Sighing, Kaidan said, "Because I care about you, John. I always have."

A warmth spread throughout his body. It was not uncomfortable. Not in any way. Kaidan had seen him broken, knew his darkest secrets, and he didn't shy away. Not for a second. Shepard felt like he didn't deserve the affection he was shown. Had no idea how he gained such loyalty.

After telling him of its location, Shepard directed him to the lube on the nightstand with his hand. When he prepared them, his movements were careful. Patient. He felt nothing but guilt that for a moment not so long ago, he had actually believed that Kaidan was going to hurt him, take him against his will. Kaidan was nothing like Jericho. Kaidan was kind. Passionate. Loving.

...and he knew he was falling for him.

When Kaidan pressed against his entrance, he was in bliss. Moaning softly, he shifted to make it easier for him, hearing his breath hitch ever so slightly. The moaning grew louder, which before had been low and deep in his chest, when he pushed forward. Kaidan lowered himself on top of him, so he bit into the pillow to silence himself. He wanted to die at how careful he was at his every thrust into him. Wet kisses pressed to his shoulder blades as he moved, dropping his hand to cup his cock, stroking him with the rhythm of his every thrusts that he met greedily.

In perfect unison, they moved, and it was only a matter of time before he reached his climax.

He felt the blue aura form around Kaidan again, sending tingles throughout his whole body, the soft sounds escaping his perfect lips being almost too much for him. Already leaking pre-cum, Shepard pinched his eyes shut, fists clenching around the sheets.

"K... f -fuck. I'm gonna..."

Making it easier for him, Kaidan gave him one final stroke, and he came with a intensive force that only weeks of sexless nights would allow as he bit into the pillow almost enough to chew a fucking hole in it. Kaidan came shortly after, finally letting go of a release that he knew that he had been holding until his own orgasm had surfaced.

With a sigh, Kaidan rolled off of him onto his back. Shepard mimicked his position before pulling himself up with his forearm, casting a glance towards his partner. Kaidan's eyes were far away. Unfocused, until he turned his head to face him.

"Hey..." he muttered, voice dazed with lust. "There you are."

With a strangled chuckle, he took in the hilarity of that statement. Wasn't like he planned to go anywhere. Maybe it was an internal joke he didn't get or some shit. His hair was all mussed up, and Shepard couldn't resist reaching over in attempt to fix it, only making it worse as he frowned. Kaidan seemed to catch up on it, dragged his fingers through his hair that made it slightly better, and a small smile surfaced his full lips.

Shepard captured his cheek in his hand, lowered his mouth to his, but couldn't finish before a beeping sound was heard. Tightly closing his eyes, he touched his forehead with his own. A brushed a thumb across Kaidan's jawline before letting him go.

Exhaling, Kaidan pulled up and reached for his omni-tool.

Silence.

"You're leaving?" he asked, and met Kaidan's apologetic gaze as he looked over. Shepard scoffed. "'Course you are."

It came out harsher than intended.

"When I can, I'll drop by again... okay?"

Nodding solemnly, he was given a subtle smile, and Kaidan got dressed.

"Hey... Kaidan?" Shepard asked, and he turned with a somewhat softened expression. Kaidan gave the door a brief glance, but approached him by the bed when he rose up. Without thinking, Shepard took his face in his hands. He pressed a chaste kiss upon his lips. When they broke apart, he opened his eyes to see dazed whiskey-brown hue.

Shepard clenched his jaw. "Stay safe out there, yeah?"

"I'll do my best," he muttered, and pulled away with a breathtakingly beautiful smile. Kaidan didn't do so without interlacing their fingers and press a soft kiss to his knuckles first. When the door shut behind him, Shepard fell back to the bed with his gaze still fixated on the door.

Then a small, fond smile surfaced his lips.

Nevertheless, it quickly faltered as he directed his gaze somewhere else. He pushed up, found his phone next to the device, and typed in a number. No answer. He tried three times but still nothing. He wasn't entirely sure what to do just yet, but hell, Ace deserved to know what happened.

So he left a message.

...

 ** _To:_** _Ace Hunt_

 ** _From:_** _John Shepard_

 _'Hey, Ace. We... need to talk. Find me?'_

 _'-Shep'_

...


	44. Ch 44: Familiarity

**Chapter 44: Familiarity**

* * *

" _I broke it." - Ashlee Shepard_

In which Kaidan and Ashlee bond, and John shares his thoughts.

* * *

When Kaidan returned to the captain's cabin, he saw Ashlee standing there with an apologetic look on her face.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, and crouched down before her. She looked at some spot on the floor and didn't want to meet his eye. A lock of hair hung across her cheek and he pushed it away. "Ashlee. Whatever it is, I'm not mad at you, okay? Tell me what happened."

Silence.

"I broke it," she muttered, her voice shaky.

Frowning, Kaidan tried to figure out what she was talking about. That was until he looked over her shoulder to see the _SR-1_ model ship lying atop of the bed, split in two.

He chortled. "That's okay, Ash. Really. Nothing to be concerned about."

She looked up then, and he could see her clearly, eyes glistening as if she was on the verge of tears. Kaidan reached over to the model ship and took the pieces in his hands, recognizing the architecture, and it didn't take long before he figured out where the pieces were supposed to be connected. Ashlee looked at the ship with a puzzled expression, her head cocked to the side, her previous mood forgotten.

"Now... I'm not the expert on these," he added, and rose up "...but I think I can fix this thing. I'm going to need your help, though."

Kaidan walked over to a drawer in the same room and found a tiny, cylinder bottle of glue. It had probably been used to set the model ships together in the first place. Placing himself in the couch, Ashlee shortly after approached him, putting a hand at his knee.

"C'mere, Captain," he said with a smile, and scooped her up on his lap. "I need you to hold this..."

Ashlee had been in his care for a few weeks by now, her having claimed John's cabin, and he had moved down to the crew's quarters. He knew his attachment to her would become a problem later on. No matter how much it hurt, there was no guarantee that he and John would get back together, and he wasn't even sure if John wanted to keep her if they did. He'd witnessed him interacting with kids before, and hell, saying he was inexperienced would be an understatement.

Three of them had ran up to him on the Citadel during one of their shore leaves to meet the famous Commander Shepard. He treated them like an entirely new species. If he decided to keep her then he definitely needed some practice not to scare her away. John didn't know to soften his tone, and judging by his dark voice, that alone could make him sound intimidating. Kaidan on the other hand found his voice to be hot as hell. Then again, he had the pleasure of hearing it used in... other circumstances.

He cleared his throat, wiping the inappropriate thoughts from his head.

They finished putting the model ship back together.

"Hey... Ash. I'm going to be away for a couple days," Kaidan said. Her expression immediately fell. "Whoa, hey. Don't look at me like that." He pulled her into a hug. "It won't be long. The admiral of the Fifth Fleet has asked me to help with a problem he's having. I need to do what he says. You understand that, right?"

He felt her nodding her head, her cheek pressed to his chest, a knitted palm next to it.

Kaidan rested his chin atop of her head. "Now, I'm not going to leave you here alone while I'm gone. Kahlee can't take care of you right now, but... I have family in Vancouver. My mom's there. I've already called her and she'll happily take care of you."

"Can't I come with you?"

Snorting, he replied, "No, Ashlee. It's too dangerous. I promise, though... my mom is really nice."

"When are you leaving?"

"I'm taking you to the spaceport by the end of the week. Up until then, you'll have more than enough time to pack and say goodbye to everyone," he said, and smiled. "Make sure to give Mr. Vega a big hug, too. Can you promise me that?"

She nodded.

Vega had gotten shore leave for a couple weeks before he'd be back to his N7 training. He decided to spend that shore leave surrounded by nostalgia. When he saw Ashlee, though, he immediately grew distant. After having a brief discussing with Liara about what happened back on Fehl Prime, it came to Kaidan's attention that Vega knew a little girl much like Ashlee. Her name was April. She was one of the colonists that didn't make it out.

It took some time, but Vega had managed to warm up to her, even grew to like her.

Ashlee hadn't asked about John yet, so deep down, he felt like she knew something wasn't right. She had probably seen him on the vids, and Kaidan suspected that her mom had told her who he was.

* * *

The mission Hackett had given him had been unusual. Instead of being contacted directly via comm-link, the admiral had sent a message to the _Normandy's_ terminal. Toshiwa had been sighted in the Terminus Systems. Even judging by the fact that he knew about Ashlee, Hackett specifically said he needed Kaidan's expertise on the mission and Kaidan wasn't one to disobey orders. Except that one time.

Either way, Hackett had forgiven his earlier insubordination.

Hackett had avoided the details, but to make matters more complicated, his mission was to find Ace Hunt. He'd gone off the grid. Kaidan avoided telling John about that not to worry him, and he had to admit that he wasn't entirely sure what to think about Ace these days. Going off the grid was considered a crime in the Alliance, and hell, Ace needed to have a reason for it. He couldn't tell whether it was just or not. Kaidan had figured that he'd keep an eye on him from here on out. The Alliance monitored John's calls, so if Ace contacted him, they'd know about it.

Still, that didn't ease the fact that he felt like an ass. As far as he could tell, John and Ace were a couple, and he came to John when he was away. How could something so wrong feel so right? He didn't want to be the one to break them apart.

It was killing him, so he had to ask.

"Sorry, but... what's going on between the two of you, exactly?"

Peeking up from his plate, John had a somewhat startled look about him. It didn't take long before he was back to his usually stoic demeanor. He knew who he was talking about. Kaidan had stopped by again two days before he'd head out.

Smuggling in some real food from the outside to him, John seemed pleased to be eating something that "didn't taste like cardboard," in his own words. He bought some chicken, being John's favorite, even back in 72. It wasn't like he was on a strict diet or something, but those Alliance facilities didn't have much to offer. John had asked for training equipment to get back in shape so his days mostly consisted of training, sleeping and eating, and Kaidan could tell that it was killing him. Being a man of action, John hated to sit still, having expressed that he felt like he was going crazy in there. Kaidan couldn't blame him. The place wasn't very spacious and he couldn't leave. For his own safety.

Shaking his head, John pushed his plate aside. "I don't know. Said he needed time. Why? Jealous?"

"I'm -I'm not jealous. I'm... confused," he said quickly, wanting to cringe at how bad of a liar he was. He felt dumbfounded at the deadpan expression he received in return. "Look, I know Ace. He's a great guy."

"Sounds like you're trying to hook us up."

"I'm not." Kaidan's reply was abrupt, because he was presented with a stunned expression. "It's just... hell, I don't want to be part of some bullshit love triangle, or whatever the hell you want to call it, because... -This isn't funny, John." He had watched when John's lips tugged upwards, obviously amused, looking at him in awe. "I'm serious here, okay? Ace is a good guy, and I -I don't want to be 'that' guy."

"My mistress?" he asked, smirking.

"Really? That -that's what we're calling this?"

"You kinda are."

"Okay, first... I'm a man."

"Fuck buddy, then?"

Kaidan shook his head. "Okay, so just... just stop," he replied, thankful when he decided to drop it. He took note of the mischievous glint in his eye. It dissolved when he continued. "If you're not serious about me, it'll hurt, but I'll get over it. But until you tell me, I can't get over it. I just need to know where I stand."

John sighed explosively and pushed up from the couch.

He was worried if he'd overstepped his bounds. He didn't want to scare him away, but he had the right to ask, more right than John knew. Kaidan was well-aware that he'd slept with other people while being in a committed relationship, but hell, it wasn't like he was paying for it. He'd like to think this was more to him than that. More than lust.

He watched as John walked up to a cupboard, propping his hand to the surface, looking down as he shifted his weight to one foot.

"I don't know," he replied, his voice weary, and Kaidan was surprised he was willing to talk about it. "I keep asking myself whatever the hell this is. All kinds of shit is happening around me and my mind can't keep up with it all."

Kaidan couldn't help but notice that he seemed to be getting closer and closer to the John he knew, to the John that was burdened with all those lives he now had saved, to the John that cared about people and matters around him. He wasn't joking around as much anymore with that careless attitude he'd have the past months. He didn't swear as much, either, although it wasn't like he had anything against it in the first place.

He was showing signs of familiarity.

"A lot has happened the past 15 years," Kaidan muttered. "It's a lot to take in, I know, but if anyone could pull through this... it'd be you. I know that."

John took a moment.

"Few weeks ago, you told me you lost someone you didn't get to tell what you felt," he said, and Kaidan found himself swallowing hard. "I remember fragments of being in a burning ship, explosions all around me... telling you to evacuate the squad while I grabbed Joker. That was me."

Silence.

"Yeah. Yeah, it was."

John nodded solemnly.

After a moment, he spoke again. "How long?"

"Do you remember the battle of the Citadel?" Kaidan asked, but judging by John's expression, he didn't. "Back in 83, our mission was to track down a rogue Spectre. Saren Arterius. Those reapers I told you about? Saren joined up with one of their ships, Sovereign, and planned to open up dark space so that the reapers could pour through. He was convinced that the annihilation of organics was inevitable, so he tried to ally with them, hoping that they'd spare him and everyone else who played by their rules. We stopped him before he succeeded. After that, the crew got their shore leave".

Kaidan propped a hand to his thigh and leant forward. "Garrus ordered some drink that turned out to be... too much for you. I had to pull you back to the ship. It just clicked."

"You've got a funny idea of romance," he replied, looking over his shoulder. Kaidan saw him smirking ever so slightly. He couldn't help one of his own. He had said something similar during their date at Apollo's after John suggested they'd steal a shuttle and shoot the Illusive Man in the face.

After a moment, John asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

 _I did._

Kaidan had just been presented with another opportunity to let him in on everything. Hell, he knew Garrus was right, and delaying it even further would only cause problems. It was about time to tell him.

He decided to answer his question, first.

"For several reasons," he replied. "First off... I'd be breaking Alliance regs. I wasn't a Spectre back then. Second... I didn't really know what I felt for the longest time. I confused it with a strong friendship, but when I realized, part of me didn't want to risk that. I know that's one of the oldest excuses in the book, but hell, there's truth in it." He found himself clenching his jaw. "I'm... I should've told you earlier, but we were actually -"

"Major Alenko," came a voice, and he directed his gaze to the doorway to see a marine snapping a salute. "We've got a location."

He looked back at John, a puzzled expression shrouding his features as he turned and pressed his back to the cupboard, holding himself up with the palm of his hands. With a steady gaze, he was still awaiting his continuation, but Kaidan figured he'd tell him when he got back.

It'd only delay it a couple days or so, so it wouldn't hold much impact, or difference.

"Right," Kaidan replied, and pulled up. "Give me a minute."

The marine nodded and left.

When he turned back, John arched a suggestive brow at him.

"What could you possibly do with a whole minute?"

Kaidan snorted. "Certainly not what you have in mind. I'm not _that_ good," he replied, before his eyes fell down. A smirk spread on his lips. He peeked up again to meet a hot and heady, dark look. "I'm going to need two for that."

"Just two, huh?" he murmured somewhat strangled, voice husky. Kaidan's breath hitched.

He managed to resist the penetrating urge of slamming John's body up against the wall again and show him, drop to his knees and give him the best blowjob he's ever had, but he had a mission to get back to. Fucking John senseless wasn't his priority these days even as much as he wanted it to be. Still, he knew that if he didn't leave now, he wouldn't be able to resist any longer. So he stepped up to him, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. He was about to pull away, but John's lips were suddenly on his with such need and want, fists clutched around his shirt. He could swear he heard it rip, but it didn't matter, the man before him being everything he could think of.

Slanting his head, he let John's tongue into his mouth, a soft moan escaping him as it came in contact with his. Synchronized. Wet. Familiar. He slipped a hand up the small of John's back and felt him shiver beneath his fingertips. He thrusted him up against himself. The hold of his calloused hands was firm, but his mouth moved slowly, savoring the sensation. John dominated the kiss, the tip of his tongue trailing the inside of his lips, and Kaidan allowed himself to get lost in it. Right there, it was just them, and they simply existed. He pressed into the kiss, never wanting to let go, never wanting to forget the feeling of John's skin against his.

His need for contact came through to John, and he pushed up harder, taking his breath away. Kaidan cursed internally as he felt his erection press up against him. He pulled away slightly before this turned into something more. Something he couldn't control. Something he couldn't stop.

It only now hit him that he really needed to breathe.

"What happened with the lips being 'too intimate,' eh?" Kaidan asked amused, catching his breath. Rolling his eyes, John splayed a hand on his chest and pushed him away with a subtle smile.

Grunting, John said, "Get the fuck outta here."

Kaidan chuckled.

Things were looking up.

* * *

 **A/N:** Hah! Nope. Sorry, Kaidan. A shitstorm is up next.

Can't believe I just went with the "cut off before the truth" thing again. Sorry. It has a purpose, though. Also, this is not the last you see of Ashlee. She'll be back before you know it. John does, after all, need to meet her.


	45. Ch 45: Shattered

**Chapter 45: Shattered**

* * *

" _John... please don't do this."_ _\- Kaidan Alenko_

In which John finds out about him and Kaidan... and he doesn't take it well.

* * *

 **A/N:** I'm sorry.

* * *

" _Not much to unpack. Left Earth in a hurry. Just the clothes on my back and a few things I picked up on the Citadel. Kinda like it. Living lean."_

Shepard looked up, witnessing the first interaction with Kaidan aboard the SR-2, putting his plate into the dishwasher to look at the holograms as they played out.

There were no recordings from his cabin, so he figured he had told the AI to leave it be, wanting privacy for himself. The recording showed him patching up a small cut on Kaidan's cheek. He listened to the carried out conversation, in which Kaidan accidentally let it slip that Shepard was making him nervous, although he caught up with his mistake and quickly added some sort of excuse.

 _Nice save, Alenko,_ he thought, shaking his head as he trapped a cigarette between his lips. He immediately took it back out, knowing the emitted smoke wasn't good for pets, as his eyes had fallen to Cuddlesworth.

Ambling over, he picked it up from its cage on the way, being among the stuff Kaidan had dropped by with. The furry rodent lived up to its name, snuggling into his palm as he closed his hands around it, brushing a thumb against its chubby cheek. Probably had something stored in there. Its whiskers tickled his skin between the thumb and forefinger as a subtle smile threatened his own lips.

It had been two days since Kaidan last dropped by. There was still no word from Ace. It was unlike him to ignore his calls and Shepard had started getting worried something might've happened. He could've been in danger, and there he was, going back-and-forth between an Alliance major who held a torch for him. When Ace said he, 'needed time,' he didn't mean that he needed time to rekindle their relationship, he meant that he needed time to figure out what he wanted. What they were.

Putting some distance between them was the best way to do that.

Shepard was well-aware that his impulsive reaction of kissing him the day he turned up could be related to his amnesia. He wanted familiarity in his life. It looked like Ace was convinced of the very same thing and that could be the reason why he distanced himself. He gave Shepard some space to sort things out. It didn't change the fact that he cared for him, would die for him if need be, but it wasn't as clear-cut.

Everything that was clear-cut these days was that he wasn't cheating.

Hours passed, and he wasn't really paying attention to the recordings, although he was aware that he had arrived at some kind of poker game he observed with Javik. Kaidan, Garrus, Joker, Vega and Sam were the ones playing.

He gained an interest when Garrus mentioned extranet porn and figured it was worth investigating. He fell to the couch, his heavy body showing little resistance, hunching over. Somewhat disoriented what the conversation was about, he listened, frowning as a lot of suggestive remarks were being made towards him and Kaidan. They came from each and every one of them, and Javik said something about pheromones, while Shepard was denying their suggestions.

 _They thought we were a couple?_

Everything was fine until Kaidan made a statement.

" _C'mon, Shepard. It -it's fine. They'd find out eventually."_

His body went rigid.

* * *

"Hey, Blue!" Vega called, making Kaidan look up from the data pad with the strangely lacking details on what he was about to face in the mission. "Heard you've got a mission comin' up. Need an extra pair of hands from an N7 graduate?"

Kaidan smirked. "Technically... you're not a graduate just yet."

"Pssh. I will be! Now what d'ya say?"

"Could always use the help."

"Nice! So, uh... what's going on? ...and when and where are we goin'?"

Chortling, he said, "You're prepared, I see. Not much to tell, exactly. Admiral Hackett has been really vague about the whole thing. I haven't been able to contact him directly with the intel, but there has to be a reason for it." Vega gave him a puzzled look, undoubtedly as confused as he, as he processed it. "I just know that an Alliance operative, Lieutenant Ace Hunt, has gone off the grid."

"Hunt, huh?" he asked, his eyes far away. "Wait... green eyes and short-cropped light brown hair?"

"You know him?"

"Nah, not really. Ran into him the other week. Vanilla seemed pretty tense, kinda confused, actually. Disoriented."

 _Huh._

"So, he dirty?" Vega asked.

"I -I don't really know. He could have several reasons to go off-grid. I'd like to think it's just... a misunderstanding of sorts. I've worked with him, and he didn't strike me as being a bad guy, not really. On one occasion, I thought he had bad intentions... but as it turned out, he was simply undercover in Cerberus for the Alliance. He's got a history with Shepard. I'd like to be able to trust him."

"History -?" he echoed, frowning. "Oh... _that_ kinda history. Well, shit. Loco know 'bout it?"

Kaidan shook his head. "I'm not telling him until I've got this mess figured out first. The Alliance got Shepard under constant surveillance, so if Ace planned on doing anything, they'd know about it. Either way, he's been sighted in the Hades Gamma Cluster. I'm taking Ashlee to the spaceport to head for Vancouver in three hours."

"Guess we'd better find something to do in the meantime, huh? Drinks. I'm buying. Bring the kid, too."

* * *

"So what's the missy having?" Vega asked, straightening his pants before he crouched down to be on Ashlee's level.

Ashlee looked up at Kaidan, smiling shyly at him as she rocked back and forth on her heels, looking like the most innocent creature that had ever walked the Earth. He had noticed her staring at some ice cream ads earlier, so hell, that one was easy. When she realized she had been caught, she had blushed and looked away.

He had already learned her preferences.

Kaidan shrugged. "I don't know... how 'bout a big chocolate ice cream sundae?" he teased. She smiled from cheek-to-cheek at his suggestion, jumping up and down with knitted fists, making Vega chuckle.

"A big chocolate ice cream sundae comin' right up," he said, pulling up from the floor. "Scars?"

They had found Garrus in the Presidium and decided to bring him along.

"Whatever dextro-based drink you can find. I don't think they have much to choose from after that... incident," Garrus replied, earning a puzzled look from Vega that made him explain himself. "Someone... got access to the storage and made their way with all the turian brandy, so they're restocking. Don't ask me where those credits came from."

"That 'someone' was Tali," Kaidan corrected him.

Garrus' mandibles twisted into a grin. "I'm so proud of her," he muttered, making them chuckle. "I'll go find us a place to sit -" He watched as Ashlee grasped onto Garrus' hand, making the turian tense up before giving him a startled look. Kaidan reassured him that it was normal, and Garrus' mandibles clicked, seeming to relax somewhat.

Tali would've swooned.

Vega nudged Kaidan. "How 'bout you, Blue?"

"Coffee."

"Wait, really?" he asked, in disbelief. "C'mon, Blue... you need to relax, man! The stress level on your terms is up to the roof. You'll be sober up until the mission, so join me with some cerveza!"

"I also have a little girl to drive to the spaceport," he replied, giving him a reminding smile.

Vega blinked. "Oh. Yeah. Right."

After locating the table, Vega was fixing their drinks and Ashlee's ice cream for them, although it took longer than expected. The lieutenant had began eyeing up the waitress. Kaidan couldn't help but smile.

"So... you're unusually happy," came Garrus voice, and he snapped out of it. "Shepard's doing good, I take it?"

"Looks like it, but... everything he remembers is bits and pieces of several occurrences," he replied, although the small smile had dissolved. "That device Liara made sadly hasn't helped, though. It looks like he needs something concrete. Something he can touch, or a trigger word, for that matter. I've learned things about him that I had no clue of before, so, yeah... I'd say it's going well. Reminds me of the old Shepard. He's slowly but surely coming back to us, and... we seem to be on, uh..."

Kaidan cleared his throat, feeling his cheeks flush. "On... good terms."

"Well, that's goo -oh!" he replied, as if just realizing what he'd just said. "That's... good, I guess. I'm just surprised, that's all. Last time I dropped by, he wasn't exactly... recognizable, but... I'll take your word for it."

"He's coming around -" His eyes widened, as he saw a familiar face on her way up to them. He immediately straightened. "Jack?"

They hadn't spoken since the battle for Earth.

"Small fucking world," she replied, and propped into a seat. "Fuck, Kaidan. You cheating on Shep? With Scarface here? C'mooon."

"Well, he couldn't resist, but thanks for the vote of confidence," Garrus joked. "Been too long, Jack. Nice to see you, too."

"I'll drink to that. So... who's the kid?" she murmured, motioning her head to the girl that was tugging at the leg of Vega's pants, probably saying that she wanted extra chocolate topping. "Didn't think your students were _that_ fucking miniature."

Kaidan shook his head. "Nah, it's, uh... Her name's Ashlee. She's Shepard's kid."

Jack's eyes snapped open.

"Well, shiiit. Next thing I see, you'll be knitting each other jumpers and buy a fucking cat. When's the wedding?" she asked, and Kaidan's expression immediately fell. He averted his eyes, biting into his lip, and Jack seemed to catch up. "Oh for fuck's sake... you guys were swooning over each other like lovesick fucking puppies, nearly impregnating me by those looks alone, and now you're broken up?" she growled. "The fuck?"

Her outburst alerted the other attendants, so to take attention off of them, Garrus lowered his voice and took the word.

"We tried to get in contact, but communications were down, so we couldn't inform you that Shepard... has a serious case of amnesia."

"Tried beating the fucker's memories back into place?"

Garrus gasped. "That's what I said!"

Jack grinned wolfishly, and Kaidan chortled, shaking his head.

"You guys are all-heart," he muttered, and Vega approached with their order shortly after, Ashlee already having dug in on her ice cream. When she walked up to him, he ruffled her hair and launched her up into his lap.

"Miss anything good?" Vega asked, propping down into the seat next to Kaidan.

"Just trying to figure out how to subdue Shepard -"

"No, Jack," Kaidan broke in.

Jack scoffed. "Boy-scout..." she murmured, grabbing her own beer. "Have you fucked yet?" Kaidan froze at her abruptness. He figured he'd be used to it by now, but hell, it always caught him off guard. Again, his expression was enough as Jack grinned again. "He still good?"

Kaidan cleared his throat loudly, wanting to turn invisible, not really being a question he wanted to answer. That didn't stop her. The next hour existed of Jack consistently roasting him while Garrus and Vega weren't exactly being helpful to him, although there was an entertaining fondness over it, as they had warmed up since the last time they met. Jack had approached him on Apollo's when he was waiting for John, threatening him to never break his heart or she'd kill him, which was one way to start a conversation. It was a nice change to just hang out like normal friends for once as they did everything to make him feel better.

He was thankful for each and every one of them.

Moving his coffee to his lips and taking a sip, he winced and shut his eyes, as the bitter and somewhat metallic taste on his tongue was foul, realizing it had gone cold. Cold coffee. John had already expressed his distaste for it.

 _Typical._

Not sure why, but a sudden uncertainty clouded his mind.

He have had that feeling before, but he couldn't pinpoint well, as if he knew something bad was about to happen. He started pacing internally about John finding out about him as a lump formed in the back of his throat. The cabin wasn't under surveillance, so there was no way he could find out about that, but that didn't make him less uneasy.

Kaidan gave one of his usual smiles. "Look, I uh... it's been great. I needed this. I just... I really need to get back to it."

"All right, Blue. Let's round up. I'm paying," Vega said, and pulled up from his seat before making his way to the counter. When he was out of view, he was leveled with a suspicious gaze from Garrus that had him clear his throat as he knew his body language was carefully studied.

"Are you all right?" Garrus asked.

Nodding, he averted his eyes. "Yeah, I'm good, I just... I just remembered that John still has my dog tags," he muttered, moving a thumb to rub his wrist. "I mean, hell, if he finds them... he's going to ask questions, you know? And I... I really don't want him to find out by himself, because that... that's going to make this whole thing a lot worse -"

"It's... going to be fine, Kaidan. Really," he was cut off, but he didn't sound so certain.

That worried him.

"He was a complete fucking mess after Horizon, so fuck, he'll fall right back into your arms in no time," Jack murmured, surprising Kaidan. John was right. She did have a heart of gold. He couldn't help but smile. Jack groaned and pushed up from her seat. "This is getting too fucking mushy for me. I need to kill something. See some guts."

Casting his glance aside, he saw Vega standing by the bar disk with an arm propped to the surface. He was chatting up the waitress again, a cocky smirk at the corner of his mouth as he was leaning in.

Winking at her, Vega said, "Keep the change."

Kaidan shook his head.

* * *

"Major Alenko," Sam said as he entered the CIC, seeming somewhat nervous as she drew her bottom lip behind her teeth. "Commander Shepard is available on the vid-comm. He, uh... he wanted to speak with you. Immediately."

Frowning, he asked, "Do you know what it was about?"

"No, he didn't say. He seemed, uh... angry. I'd advise you to contact him before it gets worse. Sir."

That didn't sound good.

Turning to Ashlee, he said, "Hey, I'm just going to take this call, okay? I'll help you finish packing afterwards."

She nodded.

At his every foot he put before the other towards the comm-room, he felt more and more unease, and his heart was beating. He could hear every pulse deep in his chest.

 _Did he know?_

Swallowing hard, he tried to be positive about the situation, as it could be about a lot of other things. When he opened the vid-comm and John's hologram came to view, he immediately felt nauseous, as Sam was right. He looked pissed. Feral. The red glow in his cybernetics were acting up as a sign of stress, as John had earlier told him about, and he knew right there that he was in for hell.

Kaidan blinked. "Hey, everything all right -?"

" _Don't even start, Alenko,"_ he warned, venom in his every word. Kaidan's stomach flipped at his tone. Low and dangerous. _"When the hell were you planning on telling me we were a damn couple?"_

Christ.

He gaped. "I -John..."

" _I'm sick of everyone throwing lies at me!"_ he snapped, taking a step forward. _"First I find out that Ace had me believe he was dead for fifteen fucking years - the guy I considered 'my father' never telling me a damn thing about it - only to show up now! Then you told me we didn't know each other, only to later inform me we served aboard the same damn ship, and now I find out that we were more than fucking acquaintances!"_

"John, please, just... just stop and take a breath -" he tried, holding up a hand.

 _"You have the fucking nerve to tell me to calm down?!"_ John snapped, his cybernetics flaring. _"Do you have any idea how it is to finally trust someone when you've been lied to your whole fucking life only to find out they're just like everyone else?!_ _All this time, you've been keeping this shit under wraps - things that you *know* I deserve to know - and you expect me to just forget?! For a guy who should know me better than anyone, you're pretty fucking clueless to who I am and how important trust is to me!"_

"How could I have known?" he asked, feeling desperate. "I understand where you're coming from, but I never wanted to hurt you. You -you never mentioned anything about what Jericho did up until now recently."

" _Obviously there's a damn reason for it! Dammit, Kaidan! I loved you!"_

The world stood still.

 _*Loved?*_

He couldn't believe this was happening. He refused. He denied.

His hands were shaking uncontrollably, but not visibly, as if a vibration inside of him struggled to break out. He wanted to grab something, something concrete, something to hold onto until he woke up from this bad dream. That was all there was. It had to be.

He wanted to scream, shout at the top of his lungs that he never intended to hurt him, but everything that came out of his mouth was...

"I still do..."

He watched as Shepard locked his jaw tight, the area around his blue eyes having tightened, pinning him with an unwavering glare. A glare that held nothing but hatred, anger, and it was all directed at Kaidan.

" _Hell, don't you think this is something that I should know about?!"_

"Of -of course you should," he stuttered, feeling his voice betraying him. "There's a reason to why I'm telling you this. I... Wh -what was I supposed to do, huh? I wanted to wait until you regained your memory but people kept pushing me -"

" _And they should, because they're fucking right that I should know!"_

"I didn't want to risk scaring you off with that kind of commitment," he replied, pleading for an understanding. A forgiveness. He already lost him once, nearly twice, and he was losing him all over again. Nothing but the faint hum of the _Normandy's_ engine enveloped them, as well as John's heavy breathing, eyes intently drilling into each other.

John's brows tightened in a concerned fashion as he took a step back.

Silence.

" _You risked one hell of a lot more not to."_

"John... please don't do this -" he tried, taking a step forward while he knew his voice was breaking. Before he could continue, John cut the link, and he was left standing there.

He had just lost John.

Kaidan balled his hands into fists, realizing he had begun sweating, the cold sensation at the inside of his palms to surface his skin. The world around him was a blur. Everything that washed though his mind were those words, the face of pure anger before him, and everything he could hear was his own heartbeat. It was as if his heart tried to break through, crush his rib cage, trying to escape that pain it suffered and ascend to a new host. He felt a thin substance clouding his vision, begging for release, but he stood firm. A migraine was surfacing, beating at the inside of his temples, in tact with that very first heartbeat.

"Are you okay?" came a tiny voice.

He turned. Ashlee. He had entirely forgotten. "Hey, kid," he muttered, and crouched down with a drained smile. She slowly approached him and put a hand on the arm he rested atop of his knee. "I'll be fine, I'll just... I'll need some time. That's all."

She looked at the empty vid-comm for a brief moment.

"Why doesn't he want me?"

"Hey..." He pulled her close, and felt a tiny hand push against his chest as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "That's not true, Ash. He loves you, he just... he doesn't trust himself to take care of you."

"Why?"

"Because he's scared, Ash. He haven't done this before. It's all new to him."

"Have you done this before?"

Kaidan snorted. "No. No, I haven't. I guess I just have it in me."

"But you're nice. He scares me. A lot."

"Your dad doesn't mean to be, well... mean," he replied, patting her back for comfort. He was glad John couldn't hear her say those last words. The last thing a dad wanted to hear was that he scared his own kid. Kaidan knew it'd break his heart. "He has a lot going on right now. Lost a lot of his memories. His friends and doctors are trying to help him get them back so everything will return to normal."

"I don't want him to be sad."

"Yeah... yeah, me neither. But he's strong. He'll come around," he said, and moved his hands to her shoulders to push her gently away so he could see her. Her blue eyes were glistening and hurt written all over the shadows of her face. He wanted nothing more but to reach out, comfort her and take all that pain away, but it was never that easy.

"How do you know that?" she asked.

Kids and their never-ending questions...

"Because... because your dad and I used to be close friends," he said, leaving out the details that she didn't need to know about. "I know him in ways others don't. I've seen him at his worst and his best."

"Do you love him?"

Kaidan's expression fell. Figures. She already knew.

"Why are you asking me that?" he replied, his voice strangled.

She kicked at the ground. "Because you look at him like you love him. You were sad when he was shouting at you."

He didn't want to lie to her. He probably couldn't if he tried. Part of him just wanted to tell her everything, but she was young, and wouldn't be able to comprehend what was happening. So he made it simple.

"Yeah," he muttered, and nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I do love him."

"I think he loves you too."

Kaidan gave her a tight-lipped smile. "What makes you say that?"

"Because you're nice," she replied, and finally looked up. Her big, blue eyes were sparking. Ashlee then smiled big. "And he looks at you the same way. It's nice. He's just scared." He wanted to laugh at how the girl had managed to turn his own words against him with such ease, but it didn't get through, remaining stuck in his throat.

She certainly got that from John. His abdomen churned at the name. It hurt to even think about.

"I hope you're right," he said, and ruffled her hair. "Hey, it's late. You should get some sleep before we head out. I'll finish your packing for you." She nodded before she took to her feet. Kaidan smiled after her, but when he knew she couldn't see him anymore, his expression fell.

Working his way back to the CIC, he locked his jaw tight, finding himself once again clasping John's dog tag.

"Major Alenk -Kaidan," Sam said, her voice soft. "Are you all right?"

"No," he muttered, as there was no point lying. "No, I'm really not. But thanks." He gave her a quick smile before he cleared his throat, his voice having betrayed him, setting course for deck one.

He knew, right then, that he should've held him tighter.

* * *

 **A/N:** _"I know the night just got darker, but it won't last forever." - Nick Valentine, Fallout 4_


	46. Ch 46: Support

**Chapter 46: Support**

* * *

" _You'll find back to each other. I know you will."_ _\- Steve Cortez_

In which more questions are asked.

* * *

 **A/N, *TRIGGER WARNING:*** Graphic depictions of violence (AKA torture.)

Part of this chapter is inspired by the song "Without you," by Ashes Remain.

" _Even when the light begins to fade, I'll wait for you..."_

* * *

"Ready?" Kaidan asked, seeing Ashlee nod as she grabbed his hand.

It didn't take long before they made their way to the skycar. Kaidan's mom was going to meet up with them on the spaceport and take Ashlee off his hands for a couple weeks. He'd drive her all the way down to Vancouver if he could, but so much had been going on the past couple years, and they had way too much to talk about. He hadn't seen her in nearly a year by now as he had always been on duty. Out in the traverse. After this whole thing with Toshiwa was over, he'd have time for a proper visit, so he could stay for some time. He also figured he'd put some distance between him and John.

It just hurt too much to stay.

The car ride was spent in silence, Kaidan holding a focused glare at the road before him, clenching his jaw as he felt a pair of blue eyes staring him down from a side-view.

"You okay?" he asked softly, briefly looking at her.

Ashlee vigorously shook her head.

At least she was honest.

Kaidan smiled a little. "Don't worry. I think you're going to like Vancouver," he added, and pulled over on the spaceport. "Your dad always wanted to see the city, so you can brag about it when you meet him one day. My mom is really going to spoil you when you're there, though... maybe even more than me... and I think your dad is going to give me a real scolding for -Hey..." His expression had immediately fallen when he heard her sniffling.

Reaching over, he took her face in his hands, brushing a tear away with his thumb as her eyes were tightly shut.

"Don't go..." she croaked, holding his wrist with both hands.

"Ash, we talked about this. The Admiral needs me to see this through. As soon as I can, I'll drop by to see you, okay? I promise." He avoided telling her how long it would be, because honestly, he didn't know himself. "You need to understand that I'm not doing this because I want to, I'm doing this because I have to, and you'll be safe there. If you can't do it for yourself... do it for your dad. I need you to be strong for him. Can you do that?"

After a moment, she nodded, and he found himself smiling softly. "Good girl."

Letting go of her face, he unclasped his seat belt and pushed up the car door. Her plane had arrived. Now standing, he watched as people stepped through the exit. He smiled when he saw a familiar, elderly lady arrive. Kaidan circled around the car, capturing the handle on Ashlee's side and pushing it up, seeing her throwing her feet over her seat. She held out her hand, and he took it, helping her down. Ashlee didn't let go of it as they began walking.

Mrs. Alenko gave them a beaming smile as she approached, covering her mouth with her palms, her eyes glistening. It was good to see her again, however brief it might've been, because he had been pulled into a suffocating hug before he could speak.

"M -mom... you're killing me..." he said with humor, but returned the embrace nonetheless.

They had conversed over comm-link before, but this was different, so he made sure to hold her for a while.

She had been through a lot lately and the last thing he could do was offer her the comfort of knowing that her son was safe and unharmed. Kaidan had always had a close relationship with his parents, and although his dad didn't show nearly as much affection as his mom, he knew he cared for him just as much. They had the usual manly nods and pats on the back, but his mom was a force to be reckoned with, giving hugs and kisses all over.

When he needed to have the deep, serious talks, he went to his dad first. Kaidan wasn't normally one to seek out others for help, but his parents weren't stupid, and his dad always knew when something was wrong. His mom couldn't see the signs as easily. After the incident at BAaT, his dad had approached him on the balcony overlooking English Bay with a bottle of beer, finally getting Kaidan to open up. There was simply an understanding between the two that he and his mom didn't share.

Thinking of him now, he swallowed hard, still feeling their loss. He tightened his embrace slightly before his mom pulled away, taking his face between her hands.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm just so glad to see you again. It's been too long," she said, with tears in her eyes. She looked him all over as if he had just been in a car accident and was reeking with wounds. He had to tell her three times that he was all right for her to stop pacing. "I've seen the news vids. Terrorists, collectors, reapers... My god, how much do you think your poor old mother can handle?"

Kaidan grinned. "Old? I wouldn't say that. You haven't aged a day."

"Flattery will get you nowhere, young man," she scoffed, shaking her head with a smile. It didn't take long before her eyes fell down to the little girl and she crouched down before her. He opened his mouth to suggest her being careful with her knees, but she waved him off, so he kept quiet. His mom was a stubborn woman. "You must be Ashlee Shepard. It's a pleasure to meet you, dear."

Hiding behind Kaidan's hand, Ashlee smiled, and he knew everything was going to be fine.

He'd already sent a list of what she liked to eat, drink and the time of hour she went to bed, so she couldn't be more prepared. He knew his mom revered in being a mom caring for a small child again, and after all the pain and loss she had suffered the past year of losing dad, he was glad that he could ease her pain somewhat. She was blessed to have Ashlee in her care. Ashlee was a great kid that wouldn't make it difficult for her.

The only difficulty would be parting from her again.

His omni-tool beeped and he knew he had to get going.

Kaidan kissed his mom on the cheek. "I'll come visit as soon as I can," he said, and he was given a somewhat pained smile. Crouching down before Ashlee, she immediately went into his arms. "Take care of my mom for me, okay?" he asked, and Ashlee nodded.

"We'll manage. Stay safe, sweetie," his mom said, placing her hands on Ashlee's shoulders from behind. "Now, don't take any form of risks. You better come back in one piece or I'll be furious at you. Do you hear me?"

He chuckled. "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

"Kaidan. Do you have a moment?"

Sam rarely called him by his first name only, so he knew that whatever it was, it was serious. He averted his eyes, taking note of how empty the place seemed, and the careful glances from the remaining crew.

"Yeah, sure. What's going on?"

She motioned her head to their direction to walk, and he followed her over. When the doors shut behind them as they passed the room with the hollowed oval table, he cast a glance Sam's way as she walked before him. She was fidgeting with her hands. When she looked over her shoulder, she blinked, and offered him a careful smile. It didn't take long before he stopped in the doorway to the war room. The crew was there. Garrus, Joker, Liara, Tali, Vega and even Miranda, who had dropped by earlier. He took note of Steve's absence. The majority didn't want to meet his eye and he immediately knew what this was about.

"No," Kaidan said, and held up a hand. "No, don't give me that look."

Liara stepped forward. "This whole situation is difficult for us all, Kaidan... although not as difficult as it is for you. Believe me, we have tried everything."

"We knew what our chances were," Miranda added, her eyes full of compassion. "We just have to accept what's happened."

He met Garrus' eye in hope he'd back him up. But he shared the same look as the others. It was unbelievable. Garrus was the one who prominently believed that John would come back to them eventually, and now, even he had lost hope.

Kaidan's expression fell. "Hell, not you too."

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," he muttered, and Kaidan found himself swallowing hard at the drainage in his voice. "You need to stop putting yourself through this. It's not healthy. I know it's difficult to fathom, but... Shepard isn't the same Shepard as we know him. Continuing like this is going to eventually break you. You should just... you should just move on."

Garrus fell into a pause. "He's too far gone."

"What if it was Tali, huh? Would you just give up?" Kaidan asked, far more hostile than intended. Garrus slowly averted his eyes as his mandibles clicked. Tali looked like she wanted to say something, but she simply rubbed her arm, her head bowed.

Kaidan scoffed. "Yeah, I didn't think so."

"Kaidan -" Liara tried, but he was already out of the room. Whether it was instinct or not, he made his way to Starboard Observation. He needed to clear his head. Reflect. Honestly, he didn't want to see either of them right now.

They left him alone.

He couldn't believe what just happened. Everyone - John's closest damn friends - had given up on him. There was no way in hell that this was how things were supposed to go. There was no way that John was forever trapped within his own mind. There was no way that all hope was lost. Kaidan believed it, and hell, maybe that was enough. He appreciated that everyone wanted the best for him, that they hated seeing him as broken as he was these days, but he had never felt more alone in his whole life.

"Heavy stuff," came Steve's voice, and Kaidan's eyes snapped open as he immediately was about to straighten. Steve held up a hand for him to relax, and so he did, sighing as he let his shoulders slump.

Kaidan looked away. "You here to tell me the same thing, huh?"

"No. Don't worry. Mind if I join you?" he asked, and he could hear the smile in his voice. Kaidan shook his head in reply, appreciating that, but kept his gaze fixated before him as he approached. "We always seem to end up like this, don't we?" Snorting at the subtle tease in Steve's voice, Kaidan looked down, remembering how he had approached him after leaving London. Steve leant to the banister next to him. "You probably wonder why I wasn't down there when they, uh... decided to share their thoughts with you. Truth is, I didn't want to. It's not the same thing, not really, but... I can imagine how you feel."

"Robert?" he asked softly, still not looking at him.

He watched him nod from a side-view. "Yeah," he replied. "You know... every time Robert and I fought, this small ray of hope seemed to be getting smaller and smaller, but it always came back. The same warmth and spark. Hell, I loved him. Still do. We always found back to each other. It might seem hopeless sometimes, like no matter how hard you try and what you do, nothing is going your way. Still, no matter how frustrated you are with your partner, you know you love them in the end. You realize you've been stupid pushing away the one person who cares for you the most.

"I've been on both ends. I've been stupid, made mistakes, been wrong. But there were instances where Robert knew he was wrong, too, and decided to man up and stop being so damn stubborn about it."

Kaidan couldn't help but smile. Yeah. He could definitely relate.

"This situation with you and Shepard? It's no different," Steve added, his voice certain. "Things were going great between you up until that point where _he_ was being stupid. You'll find back to each other. I know you will. I know because I've seen you two together. It's real and it's there."

Kaidan's smile had softened. "Thanks, Steve."

"Anytime," he replied, and pushed away from the banister. "Now... your ship's ready for departure. They told me to debrief you."

He nodded. "I'll be ready."

* * *

In the message, Hackett had said that Bau was waiting for him, being his backup in case anything went wrong. It felt rather strange commanding a ship other than the Normandy, and why Hackett didn't let him use her, he didn't really know.

Vega didn't appreciate being on the sidelines, like always, but he followed orders. Kaidan had to go in alone for it to be their best chance at solving this peacefully and without bloodshed. Ace did apparently not know that he had been exposed, so he had nothing to fear, only having to come up with a good excuse for being there. Something felt off about the whole thing, but then again, it could be because he liked Ace.

It was difficult to see him as a bad guy.

 _"Major Alenko,"_ came EDI's voice, over omni-tool voice link. _"I was recently in the Presidium and monitored whatever information I could store about Lieutenant Ace Hunt from the security cameras. I happen to have come across suspicious video footage of Mr. Hunt, whom I can recall, is the primary objective of your mission. The footage depicts severe graphical violence. I would suggest watching after the food you might have ingested will have had the time to be digested."_

He hadn't eaten in a while anyways, having lost his appetite, deciding to just grab an energy bar in the shuttle.

"Patch it through."

 _"As you wish."_

 _Please be a misunderstanding..._

The footage showed a human C-Sec officer tapping at a terminal, his nose deep in his work, before a shadowy figure appeared behind him. He could barely recognize what was happening before the officer lay on the floor, the butt of a pistol having rendered him unconscious, and the next scene of Ace standing over him with arms folded across his chest appearing before him - looking down at the man tied up in a chair and half-beaten to death - Ace not even having bothered to cover his face as if he wanted to be caught.

Teeth had been knocked out, a lot of blood was spilled, and a pair of scissors stuck out from the man's popped kneecap.

 _"I'll ask again... Where was Commander Shepard transferred?"_ came Ace's voice, without emotion.

The man was breathing hard, his head bowed and heavy, blood dripping from his nose and across his mouth in languid drops. Kaidan took note of the three unconscious C-Sec officers in the picture. Probably waking another one up if one lost too much blood. One of them, a turian, lay dead beside him. Fresh, blue blood emerged from his lifeless body, filling the cracks in the floor. Probably his first torture victim.

The officer cracked.

 _"He... he's at an Alliance facility in Rhode Island."_

Ace released his arms. _"Thank you for your cooperation."_

 _"W –wait! Please!"_ the man called, as Ace casually turned a gun on him with a deadpan expression. _"Please don't kill me! I -I have a wife and, and child... a little boy. He turns 2 years old this week."_

 _"He'll live."_

The gunshot went off.

Moving two fingers to his earpiece, Ace said, _"Dr. Toshiwa. I've got the location right here. I'll update you when I get back as I suspect the Alliance are listening in on our frequency. I'll be there in a couple days. Hunt out."_

The feed shut off.

Kaidan was speechless, staring at the now black screen before him, as he had never before seen Ace so merciless. Cruel. When in Ace's company, he had been kind, wanting to help whomever he could. It didn't make any sense. Not even a little.

Was it all just an act?

 _"Major Alenko?"_ EDI asked, and he snapped back.

He cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm good. It's just... I never thought... yeah."

After contacting HQ about the news, that Toshiwa possibly knew about John's location, they told him they'd enforce the security. He also decided to contact Vega who had been body guarding John during his first transfer. John was being transferred again, most likely to Arcturus Station for maximized surveillance, and Hackett probably wanted Vega to be there. He had to pass this mission.

"So... EDI, can you rewind to 59.7 for me? Near the end. I think I saw something," Kaidan said, and she obeyed. The frame showed Ace looking up at the camera with a strange blue glow in his eyes. He frowned. "EDI?"

 _"I have insufficient data on this subject, but the glint in his eye is somewhat similar to that glint of an indoctrinated human being, but not quite the same. His eyes does not carry any of the three orbs. I cannot comprehend what this might be."_

Something was definitely wrong.

* * *

The facility lay in complete silence, an eerie silence ushering through, having goosebumps prickle his skin. His firearm wasn't drawn, Hackett's orders, as they wanted this to end peacefully. Take Ace into custody and avoid any kind of bloodshed. When he pushed up the next door, he saw a team of eleven, and he froze. Kaidan let his eyes wander. Ace was sitting at a table while putting bullets into a magazine. His foot squared over his ankle. When he looked up from his shotgun, his expression immediately softened, a hint of relief in his eyes. It was so far away from the demeanor he'd seen on the vid and that was why it didn't make any sense.

"Kaidan, thank god. Took your damn time, huh?" he asked, subtle tease in his voice as he pulled from the table. Kaidan still itched after reaching for his firearm when Ace approached him. "Glad to see a familiar face."

 _He expected me?_

Kaidan cleared his throat. "I, uh... I thought you were alone."

"Well... if we're taking down Toshiwa, we need to be prepared, right?" he replied, before glancing over his shoulder. Kaidan felt Ace's hand grasp his bicep, and his throat tightened, expecting to be overpowered and rendered immobile. Just as he was about to draw his gun, he hesitated, realizing that he was only lead a few more feet away from the others. Ace's hand dropped. "I'm thankful you're here," he added, having lowered his voice. He looked downright worried. "These guys? They've been giving me weird looks ever since I arrived. I don't have a damn clue who they are."

Something hit him. "W -wait, Toshiwa's here?"

"Of... of course he is," he replied, frowning. "Hackett didn't debrief you?"

 _What?_

Flagging it off and shaking his head, Kaidan said, "The Admiral sent me here to talk about why you went off-grid." He watched as Ace frowned deeply, his expression quizzical, although he remained quiet. "Look, I really don't want this to end badly. I, uh... I'm aware you have me outnumbered by twelve, including you, but I really just want to talk. Nothing brash. We clear?"

"I -what? That doesn't make any sense," he replied, his confused expression mirroring Kaidan's thoughts. "Hell, Hackett himself sent me here to bring Dr. Toshiwa back into custody. Told me to stay off-comm until I met up with you and the rest of the team."

Ace shot a thumb over his shoulder. "Which I assume... these guys."

 _What the hell?_

He didn't get to ask before he heard firearms cock all around them.

Slamming his eyes shut, Kaidan clenched his jaw. When he opened them again, the team had surrounded them with raised firearms, and they both were forced to hold up their hands in surrender. The look on Ace's face, his eyes tightly shut, said "shit." The moment had been too heated for him to pay attention to their surroundings.

He regretted that now.

"Well, well... look who's here," came the same voice he'd earlier heard. "Looks like my plan to get you both here worked."

Toshiwa.

Those orders never came from Hackett.

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry for the cliffhanger! I've recently had nerve surgery in my hand, so I can't write as effectively as before (I can only use one hand) without having serious pains. This chapter would also be _really_ long if I continued. I hope you guys can bear with me.


	47. Ch 47: PTSD

**Chapter 47: PTSD**

* * *

 _"I won't lie to you, Shepard. Things are a little dicey these days."_ _\- Steven Hackett_

In which Shepard is kept in the dark.

* * *

 **A/N:** I don't think those of you that are following this story received an e-mail informing you of the previous chapter. I would suggest checking if you've read _"_ _Chapter 46: Support"_ just to be sure. This one wouldn't make much sense otherwise. There was some technical difficulties when I updated.

 ***TRIGGER WARNING:*** Depictions of (surprise, surprise) PTSD as well as some violence.

* * *

It was Shepard's third transfer in mere months and Hackett still kept him in the dark.

That was until he met up with him before heading for Arcturus Station.

On impulse, Shepard snapped a salute.

Hackett held up a hand. "At ease, soldier. You're on leave," he said, allowing him to let his arm drop to his side. "My knowledge is only limited to reports from the staff. How are you doing, Shepard?"

"I'm... fine," he replied, frowning. "Sorry, sir. But I feel like my well-being is not the reason why you're here."

Standing in the doorway, ready to have him transferred, Vega had his arms folded across his chest. Shepard had noticed that he hadn't been as relaxed and laid-back as he used to. If anything, he looked drained, if not sorrowful.

He immediately knew that something wasn't right.

Hackett clasped his hands behind his back. "I'll just cut right to the chase and drop the small-talk. I won't lie to you, Shepard. Things are a little dicey these days. As you already know, Dr. Toshiwa has gone to great lengths in attempt to get ahold of you. We won't let that happen. Either way, his persistence in seeing this through is taking its toll on our resources and operatives alike. We're playing with a loaded gun in our investigation into tracking him. I take no pleasure in what I'm about to say.

"Someone hacked into our systems and wrote orders in my name. Sent one of our officers on a mission I know nothing about," he added, and Shepard found himself frowning. He avoided the use of names. Something told him this 'officer' was someone he knew. "Cerberus hacked our channels, falsified intel and voice recordings to make it appear genuine. I'm sure you've noted Lieutenant Ace Hunt's absence."

Of course there was more to it.

"Is he okay?" he asked, preparing for the worst.

Hackett took a moment before speaking. "Lieutenant Hunt was the one who did it," he replied, and Shepard felt his throat go tight. "We've recovered security footage of Hunt torturing C-Sec officers, killing two and knocking several unconscious in the Presidium. The evidence is undeniable. It's no hocus-pocus gimmick. The lieutenant set us up, stabbed us in the back while we were down. We were wrong to trust him. His mind has been indoctrinated. Poisoned. He's not the same."

 _Ace wouldn't do this,_ he thought, refusing to believe it. _For fuck's sake, he *couldn't.*_

"Admiral," he tried carefully. "With all due respect, I know Ace. There has to have been some sort of drugs in his system. Anything that indicate his mind wasn't this own. If he's dirty, he's dirty, but I refuse to throw him under the bus before I know for certain."

"You two have history, and Hunt was a good kid, so I understand where you're coming from. I just want you to be aware what we're facing," he replied. "We've already sent Alliance units out in the traverse to look for him. As Cerberus is so deeply involved, we've managed to reduce our search to the Horse Head Nebula, but it's still a whole damn system. Thankfully, a map that was retrieved on Sanctum will help a great deal. The best chance we have at finding him is if he contacts us. Toshiwa still holds a grudge, and if dirty, Hunt will attempt to get in contact with you."

Shepard nodded wistfully. "I'll keep an eye out."

"Good. You're being transferred to Arcturus Station where you're as safe as you can be in Alliance Space, but until you get there, you're still an open target. That's why I left the Fifth Fleet to come speak to you personally. If we're lucky, it'll go off without a hitch."

"Admiral," said a marine standing in the doorway, and Hackett nodded.

"I need to get back to it. There's a lot to do. I'll update you when we have new intel," Hackett said, and turned to the door. He stopped briefly and looked at him over his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Shepard."

...and then he was gone.

Shepard knew there was something he wasn't telling him.

"Vega, what's going on?"

"It's not my place to debrief you, Loco. I'm sorry. I've got orders from the higher-ups to keep quiet. C'mon, we gotta go," he replied, and tipped his head in the direction of the door as he released his arms. For a moment, Shepard just stood there. He took a deep breath, breathing it out steadily, as he shut his eyes. It didn't take long before he trailed after. The calmness of the situation was quickly interrupted as they stepped through the door.

Shepard pulled the grey hoodie well over his head, but the damage had already been done, camera flashes being all around him as he was moving towards the skycar that would have him transferred. Somehow, the people had gotten word of his survival. It was all over the news vids. All over the extranet. He had felt his pulse quickening, the blinding lights and sounds proving to be too much, taking him back to the war. To the fight. A headache was mercilessly brewing up deep in his skull. He was wobbly, cold sweat dripping down his forehead and neck, nearly supporting himself on Vega who was shielding him against the cameras, and he felt like he was about to throw up.

Everything was a haze, unfocused, pupils fleeting as he saw silhouettes from the white light like unyielding shadows that had been apparent in his nightmares. Oily shadows. Whispers. They spoke, all of them, but the words were unclear.

"Com...der Shepard! The world ... know you're alive!"

"Is Com...der Shepard ... lockup again? What ... done this time? ... blow up another relay?"

"Com...der Shepard! Humanity ... questions!"

"Is ... really Com...der Shepard ... another clone ... hidden from us? ... Cerberus involved ... recovery? ... fear ... gone back to ... enemy?"

"Com...der Shepard! Where you ... who killed David Anderson?"

In but a moment, he was back in London, running as fast as his legs could carry him as lasers targeted the soldiers around him. Evaporating them. Erasing them from existence. He heard screams, gunfire, explosions.

...and the echoing voices of the reapers.

#

 _/"Serve us..."/_

 _/"Why do you persist?"/_

 _/"Serve us!"/_

 _/"You resist. But you will fail."/_

 _/"SERVE US!"/_

#

The headache came in its full force, pushing against his temples, scraping on the inside like a dozen untrimmed thorn bushes. The lights nearly blinded him even though he wore sunglasses, security officers holding the crowd back, as he was quick on his shaky steps with Vega before him. In the commotion, he nearly tripped on his own foot, but Vega caught him by the arm and kept him standing.

Shepard knew that ratings was the only damn thing the majority of reporters cared about, not giving two fucks about the subject they were covering, as long as they got clicks. Money was key. Even today.

When they finally got to the car, he fell into a seat, and the blissful sound of a door shutting behind him nearly had him relax. On the other side, Vega sat down, and he could finally work on controlling his breathing when the car started moving. His hands were balled into fists, nail digging into the otherwise somber flesh, knuckles white. Head bowed. Heavy. Brows knitted together. Vega threw his head to the backrest with a heavy sigh, his eyes closed, arms folded across his chest.

"Shit, that was pretty intense, no?" came Vega's voice, snapping him out of it.

He shook his head. "Just... I need to get out of here."

"I get it, man -Dios Mío!" Vega called, as another wave of flashes channeled the window. Shepard jerked back from it, wide-eyed clutching the seat until his knuckles once again turned white. The private driver rolled up the window covers, taking the hint, presenting them with a deafening darkness.

Ripping off the sunglasses, Shepard pulled down the hood, elbows on his knees as he buried his face in his hands. His heart was ramming against his ribcage. Sweat pouring down. His breathing having quickened further.

Vega's eyes snapped open. "Holy shit, Loco... you okay?"

He didn't answer, again trying to regain control of his breathing, and the words were once again blurry. Vega had turned to the driver. They shared a brief conversation. When he tilted his chin up, the world around him seemed unfocused, unclear. Vega was looking at him with concern. Tightly shutting his eyes, Shepard looked away, pressing his forehead to the backrest pad of the seat before him as if it would cool him down somewhat. It didn't help. Not even a little. He just knew he needed to get out.

 _What the fuck is happening to me?_

* * *

"Drop your guns," Toshiwa said, and Kaidan swallowed hard. With careful movements, both he and Ace did what they were told, and kicked their firearms away. "That's better."

Ace frowned. "The hell do you want with us, Toshiwa?"

"Isn't it obvious? Information," he replied, smirking. "When I sent a team to... obtain him... at Rhode Island, he wasn't there, and I haven't had the time to look for him as I had some business to take care of. I won't rest until I have Commander Shepard's head on a spike."

"Why?" Kaidan asked, choosing his words carefully. "I get that Cerberus bailed you out, but you don't owe them anything."

Toshiwa scowled deeply. "I'm not doing this for Cerberus, _major,"_ he snapped, putting heavy emphasis on the last word. "Illusive Man can go rot wherever the hell he is as he took his precious time sending an operative after me. Figured I was expendable."

"Kahlee, then?"

Toshiwa froze, his nostrils flaring, and Kaidan watched his hand ball into a fist. He didn't mean to provoke him although it did seem like he had a short fuse. He had wounded his pride. Brought up an incident where a woman overpowered him.

He needed to be careful.

"The Illusive Man, or Jack Harper if you will, questioned my expertise," he replied, venom in his words. "I, as that bitch Lawson, wanted to implement a control chip. He refused. I wasn't directly involved in his reconstruction, as Illusive Man figured I wasn't fit for the job after an incident at Grissom in 83, but I had seen documents. Files. Heard conversations. Kahlee had a... factor in my enthusiasm... and killing off one of the Alliance's best operatives, who also happened to be close to her dear Anderson, seemed to be a solution that would fit nicely. Killing Kahlee wouldn't benefit me. I had to target her loved ones. I wanted her to suffer.

"I planned Commander Shepard's death already back when he was under the Lazarus Project," he added. "I wanted to get back at the Illusive Man, and since he put precious resources into his _little soldier,_ it was a wondrous opportunity to disrupt his plans and ruin the one thing he spent billions of credits on. In other words, it's nothing personal."

Feeling undervalued, getting back at Kahlee, getting back at the Illusive Man.

All those were factors. Kaidan had foreseen them all, but now, he knew his full drive. If only Hackett listened to him from the beginning. He knew exactly how John had felt back when everyone denied the reapers' existence.

"Now, Mr. Hunt here has already proved his usefulness," Toshiwa added. "He has nothing more to give me, and that... is why you are here, Major Alenko."

"Then why did you bring him here?" Kaidan asked, his voice a warning.

Toshiwa just smirked. "Simple..." he muttered, before pulling out a dagger. Then the butt of an assault rifle capped Ace in the back of his knee, forcing him onto the ground with a pained groan, directing the barrel at his head.

"Bargaining chip," Toshiwa finished, and gestured to two operatives. "Restrain him."

They tightly grabbed onto Ace's arms, yanking him back onto his feet, and the icy glare that Ace held towards Toshiwa told him exactly what he felt about the whole thing. He was staring him down, and Toshiwa seemed to be shifting somewhat nervously, but looked away. Toshiwa knew he had the upper hand and that was enough to contain his ego.

"Don't play into his games, Kaidan," Ace said, his voice modulated. "Don't tell him a damn thing. Not a word. You hear me -?"

He was only to take a hit to the face. Ace winced at the impact and Kaidan shut his eyes. When he opened them again, blood emerged from Ace's left nostril, but the lieutenant simply pinned Toshiwa with another glare as lips drew into a thin line. His expression said nothing but, "I can take this," and Kaidan knew he could. What he didn't know was how far Toshiwa would go to get his information. That very thought concerned him.

He must've been bluffing.

Before he could recollect his thoughts, a gunshot followed by a gut-wrenching shout rang out, and blood started emerging from Ace's shoulder. Kaidan took a step forward, only to be held back by three of them, preventing his interference.

He wasn't bluffing.

"You know, Hunt... this look really doesn't suit you," Toshiwa mused. Kaidan's breath got stuck in his throat when Toshiwa placed the tip of the dagger below Ace's eye, his gaze yet unwavering, forcefully tilting his head up that created a cut in his cheek.

Then he lined the dagger up horizontally, a direct cut at his pulse, and Toshiwa looked at him.

"Just... just stop, okay?" Kaidan asked, feeling desperate. "I'll tell you. Just... stop."

Arching a brow, Toshiwa seemed to think it over. A moment of suffocating silence went by. Kaidan could breathe out when the dagger was removed from Ace's throat. Ace exhaled, his head bowing down heavily, brows knit in a deep frown.

"Kaidan. Don't," he tried softly, looking at him with pleading eyes. "Please."

"Touching," Toshiwa murmured in sarcasm, and pulled away "...but we all know what happens if you don't give me what I want, major. The choice is yours - let this innocent man here die... or let the man who willingly killed thousands in his youth and even more in his adulthood, get what he deserves. We all know who you regard the highest, and you can be selfish if you want, but we both know that's not your style. Come to think of it, this is a matter of integrity... isn't it?" Kaidan clenched his jaw. "I'll give you some time to decide." Toshiwa waved at an operative. "Disrupt their omni-tools."

With some kind of device, she guided a hand across them, and a zapping sound was heard as the orange displays flickered with a small spark that nearly blinded him. It didn't take long before they were both brought to some sort of isolated compartment, looking like an interrogation room, although there was no one-side mirror present.

They pushed Ace into him, and Kaidan clasped his arms, keeping him upraised. When the door shut after them, Kaidan applied pressure on the bullet wound with his hand, the red substance pouring down mercilessly. He'd already gone weak, and was losing blood too quickly, so he knew he had to do something. Kaidan guided him down on the floor to sit, and Ace groaned, taking after his shoulder after he was advised to put pressure on it.

"Always seem to get my ass handed to me, huh?" he muttered, light humor in his tone. A smile tugged at the corners of Kaidan's lips, but quickly faltered, crouching down before him. "Thanks." Kaidan looked up, and after a brief moment of shared eye-contact, the green hue fell to the floor. Ace shook his head. "I appreciate you standing up for me, but... you're not planning on telling them, are you?"

"No," he replied, and sighed. "No, I'm not telling them anything. I just bought us some time." He fell into a pause. "Hold still. This is going to hurt."

Kaidan put his thumb and forefinger on each side of the wound, separating the sides from each other, hearing Ace's muffled groan. He muttered a, "sorry," but continued his examination nonetheless. He had to make sure that it wouldn't get infected to reduce the discomfort. The bullet wasn't too far in. He brought up his omni-tool, and thankfully, it was just the comm-link that was disabled. The medi-gel was still present. They didn't exactly have any pliers, so Kaidan pulled off his gauntlet and sanitized his fingers with the substance, warning him before he reached for the bullet.

After a brief struggle, he got it out, and threw the bullet onto the floor with a *clink* before it rolled away.

Ace exhaled a breath he had apparently held, and his shoulders slumped, allowing him to relax. He covered the wound with medi-gel, nearly taking the whole filter, before he ripped part of his underarm off to use as a bandage. After wrapping up his shoulder, he grasped Ace's chin, and applied medi-gel to the cut as well.

"You shouldn't have taken the heat."

Kaidan frowned "...and watch them beat you to death?"

"It's better than the alternative."

"I'm not letting you become a martyr, for god's sake."

Ace smiled somewhat. "Hey, don't get me wrong... I'd like to avoid that, myself. Still, I'd gladly take one for the team. Judging by what just happened back there, you're not a stranger to that yourself."

Kaidan would've wanted the same in his place.

"All right, point taken."

Nevertheless, something was digging deep in his thoughts and he needed an answer to those doubts he was having, because Ace obviously wasn't allied with Toshiwa after what just happened. Nothing of this explained the footage he'd seen. There was also the matter of that blue glow he had seen in his eyes. The perpetrator looked exactly like Ace, terrifyingly enough, which didn't add up.

"I'd still like to know about the video footage I saw you in," Kaidan said, letting his hands drop. "Right there on the Citadel three days ago."

Ace blinked. "Video footage? What the hell? I haven't been on the Citadel in weeks, not since -" he began, but cut himself off. "Not since... the day of Shepard's transfer, come to think of it." He watched him as he frowned deeply. "The hell did that footage show, anyways?"

"It showed you torturing and killing a C-Sec officer," he replied, and sat down next to him.

Green eyes went wide.

"What?" he asked, seeming out of breath. "I'd never... Hell, back when I worked for them, yeah. I told you I had to do some messed up things to gain their trust and some of those things consisted of murder. Maybe they planted old footage, or -Was it EDI who found it?" Kaidan nodded. "EDI doesn't make mistakes. This... this can't be real. Someone's setting me up, 'cause I swear to god, I'd never do that."

He believed him.

The shock in his voice was proof of that.

"Any thoughts on how they managed to fake it?"

Ace shook his head. "Probably another of Cerberus' fucked up inventions," he grumbled, obviously conflicted about this. Kaidan couldn't blame him. Something similar happened with John and that clone, after all, so it wasn't impossible.

"Cerberus are advanced, as we've already agreed on, but I don't know the details about what technology they have," Ace added. "I pulled some strings while I was at Minuteman Station, but the closer I got to any form of intel, the less access I had. I'm not important enough to conserve resources for a clone, either, so we can scratch that off the list." Ace shook his head again, his eyes weary, and he sighed. "Believe me, I want to know exactly how the hell these fuckers managed to frame me like this."

Understandable.

He remembered John telling him he hadn't seen Ace since then. The day of his transfer. He didn't know that he'd been gone, as Hackett hadn't informed him of his absence, suspecting that they'd been together at that point.

After a moment, Kaidan asked, "Why did you leave?"

Silence.

"I, uh... I saw John's dog tags."

Kaidan's expression immediately fell.

"It didn't take long before I found out what was going on," he added with a smile. "I asked around. Liara was the one to tell me, or... rather slip-up. I had Admiral Hackett assign me to different missions so I could give him some space. Give you two some time to reconnect. What John and I had is in the past, and to be honest, I've unconsciously known that ever since I got back. That's why I took it easy. Just... I'm glad it's you. You're good for him." His features mellowed. "I'm sorry. Hell, if I knew, I wouldn't've -"

"You didn't know."

"Still doesn't make me feel like less of an ass."

"Then take to heart that he's been improving a great deal, which I know you have a lot to do about, so just... thanks. He needed you, hell, _needs_ you... and I'm glad you were there for him when I couldn't."

 _No matter how much it hurt seeing you together,_ he thought, but didn't want to add to his guilt.

Ace smiled. "Just remember inviting me to the wedding if I get out of here."

 _"When_ you get out of here," he corrected him.

Kaidan would make sure of that, because hell, he wasn't about to have John lose Ace a second time. He'd do whatever was in his power for him to make it out safe. Even if he was forced to stay behind.

"I hope you're right. So... we good?" Ace asked.

It was the same thing he asked back when he had him at gunpoint.

"We're good."

"Good," he replied, and shut his eyes tightly. "All right, my ass is sleeping."

Kaidan shook his head, smiling somewhat, and pushed up from the floor. He was starting to feel some numbness of his own. Holding out a hand, Ace accepted his offer for help, and he pulled him onto his feet.

Nevertheless, the mood was back to its grim roots.

They were in a bad place right now. When they had made their way towards this compartment, he'd glimpsed dozens of Atlas mechs, this place appearing to be some sort of facility where they were being produced.

Even if they did get out, they'd have Toshiwa's troops on their heels, and the chance of making it out of this alive was slim.

Softly, Ace asked, "You do realize if you don't tell them now... you're the one who's going to suffer, right?" Kaidan was well-aware he was the one racing against the clock. He'd never tell them about John's location, and with that in mind, he knew what was coming. This place was his last stand.

"I know," he said simply.

He just wished he could've made peace between them before all this happened.

This time, he was the one leaving John behind.


	48. Ch 48: Loss

**Chapter 48: Loss**

* * *

" _I never asked for this."_ _\- John Shepard_

In which something shocking happens...

* * *

 **A/N, *TRIGGER WARNING:*** Very brief mention of rape, graphic depictions of violence... oh, and feels. A lot of feels. You might notice that Jacob isn't present. 'Cause fuck that guy. That f!Shep cheater doesn't exist to me, lol.

Two songs has inspired this one...

"Shattered," by Trading Yesterday (Shepard's part):

 _"I've lost who I am, and I can't understand why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love..."_

and

"Love Is War," by Hillsong United (Kaidan's part):

 _"Turn my eyes to see your face, as all my fears surrender..."_

* * *

"Hey, Loco. Someone insisted on seeing you," Vega said, folding his arms across his chest. He stepped aside from the doorway, and Jack pushed in, her eyes burning with anger and a lip drawn up to reveal gritted teeth.

"Jack?" Shepard asked, but couldn't connect the dots before a fist nearly knocked him on his ass. "What the -?!"

Vega's brows shot up, but he did nothing, watching the scene play out.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Touching his lower lip with two fingers, he licked the inside of his mouth to feel the taste of blood. He pulled his hand away again to see the dark red substance and looked up to meet an unwavering glare.

Shepard clenched his jaw, keeping his anger at bay. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"What do you think, asshole? Kaidan 'love of your fucking life' Alenko!" she snapped, but Shepard's deadpan demeanor remained true. "You're a dick! For fuck's sake, your sorry ass isn't even worth all this shit! You got fucking amnesia, forgot fucking everything about him, and now this 'Ace' fucker shows up and ruins everything!"

"Don't put this on him," he warned.

"What? You going to cry, huh?" she asked, as she stepped up only to have inches separate them. "That little shit can speak for himself but it's obvious you can't. Kaidan was too much of a fucking pussy to tell you, so I'm making it completely clear. You. Were. Fucking and you. Were. In. Love. You were so disgustingly sweet I wanted to throw up!"

"My personal life is none of your business, Jack," he said.

"That's where you're wrong, shitface," she murmured, wearing the same feral look. He could swear her eyes watered. Her voice turned strangled. "Your well-being is my fucking business. _Kaidan's_ well-being is my _fucking_ business. So don't you dare say it isn't."

"I'm fine, Jack."

She scoffed. "Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. Well, you know what? Kaidan isn't fucking fine. He's fucking broken."

"Too bad," he said simply as he was about to pass her, but a pain seeped up through his body when nails dug into his shoulder. His back was slammed into the wall. Her forearm pressed at his throat, keeping him there, but allowing him to breathe. Bewildered, he looked at her, moving his pupils to Vega who still did nothing. Jack was breathing heavily, her nostrils and biotics flaring. Shepard thought she was going to kill him.

"Kaidan doesn't deserve a single fucking harsh word thrown upon him," she murmured. "Give me one good fucking reason why you bitched out like a pussy."

"Because the last guy I trusted misused me. So sorry if I decide to fuck off when someone decides to throw lies in my face."

Jack scowled deeply at him. "One fucking guy? At Pragia, they were taking fucking turns with me, and I still trust people," she replied, voice raw with emotion. Shepard's expression mellowed. The hurt of shade in her dark brown eyes was apparent. "You know what a broken heart does to you? It makes you reckless. Fucking stupid."

He remembered those stories Jack had told him and knew just how familiar she was with all this.

"Kaidan is MIA," she finished softly, and he felt his throat tighten. "I spoke to him as late as fucking two days ago, and now...? That mission he was on will most likely kill him if it hasn't already. He made a fucking mistake... and you're going to hold that against him for the rest of his life. You're a real piece of work, Shep. He's the only fucking one who hasn't given up on your sorry ass. "Think about that when you see his picture in the obituaries."

She pulled away. The pressure was released on his throat, and he inhaled deeply, taking after it as he watched her leave. He found himself swallowing hard. This was the part that Hackett avoided debriefing him about.

* * *

"Any ideas how to get out of here?" Ace asked.

"If we can, we'll try to get in touch with a radio or something. Call the _Normandy._ I'm sure the ship that brought me here was part of this scheme," he replied, and surveyed the room. "After that, we try to locate our gear. Fight our way out if we have to. If we're lucky, reinforcements on our side will arrive in time for us to get a quick getaway. I only hope it's still nighttime to make this easier. I've lost track of time."

"You're the boss. I think I saw a crack in the wall back there," he said, pointing with his good arm. "Look around for something heavy, and we'll have this baby open in no time. Let's just... hope it doesn't lead straight off a cliff."

"Here," Kaidan said, carrying a fire extinguisher. "This'll do nicely."

"Nice. C'mon, it's right over here." Moving up to it, Kaidan escalated the object and started beating at the wall. They were highly isolated so there was little chance anyone would hear them. "Let me know when you need me to take over."

"Not with your shoulder," he replied.

"Kaidan, I'm good -"

"Bullshit."

"I'm serious."

"Christ, you're worse than John."

"That's impossible," Ace murmured, and he could've sworn the man was pouting at him. He and John sure had a lot of similarities. Kaidan couldn't help but smile as he rolled his eyes. After about twenty minutes, finally having convinced Ace that he should take it easy, the wall was fragile.

Exchanging a glance, they hoped for the best, and Kaidan dropped the fire extinguisher.

They nodded at each other and kicked, hard, and the wall fell. They were presented by a giant hole that they both were able to squeeze through. There was no cliff, either, so there's that. Kaidan's hands fell to his knees. He chuckled in relief, still somewhat out of breath, conserving his energy.

"After you," Ace said, and followed after he stepped through.

Now came the difficult part. The first part of their escape was to try locating the room holding the electricity, and by doing that, they could at least make it easier by shutting off the lights. Locating the place was a pain in itself, but the guards patrolling the perimeter were still very much there, forcing them to carefully avoid them. His only hope was that the guards didn't notice their absence. They managed to find what they were looking for, and thanks to some expertise that Tali had shared with him, Kaidan managed to find the best way to make it happen. A spark filled the area, and Ace jerked back with a groan, having stood just a little too close. Kaidan's eyes went wide, but before he got the chance to ask, Ace had the answer ready for him.

"Ugh, I think... I think that damn thing messed up my implant. It's like something's blocking it or something."

"Can you use your biotics?"

Ace closed his eyes tightly, and a flicker of the blue aura surrounded him, only to dissolve again.

He groaned. "Fuck, it... it's burning."

It was up to Kaidan now if they ran into any form of resistance.

The power they had just cut would only be gone for about ten minutes. Together with the Atlas mechs, they had also located the escape shuttles, being their plan of getting out in case they couldn't get in contact with the _Normandy._ It was however risky to take an escape shuttle when Cerberus knew they were out. It would only take seconds for those Atlas mechs to blow it out of the sky before they even got remotely close to concrete soil. The facility was big, so they had a lot of ground to cover, and little time.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" came a female voice, and Kaidan pulled Ace behind cover. "The damn power went out again."

Another voice, male this time, said, "You don't think they escaped... do you?"

"What, those Alliance jarheads? Hell no. That place is impenetrable. Unless you were stupid enough to forget locking the damn door," she replied, and sighed loudly. "You remembered to lock the fucking door, right?"

"Of course I did!"

"Then what. the. hell. are you worrying about?"

"I don't know."

"Don't piss yourself. If it's that 'concerning,' go check for yourself, and come back to me when realizing how big of an idiot you are."

 _Crap._

"Shit," Ace whispered, as the man headed towards the direction of their cell.

"We can get up behind him once he passes. Disarm him. You need a weapon now when your implant's rattled anyways," he whispered back, and they waited. Soon after, the guard stepped two feet before them, and Ace pushed forward. In a swift motion, his good arm clasped around the guard's neck, who managed to let out a small gasp.

Then Kaidan spotted the second guard that they had thought left. "Damn it!"

But Ace had seen him too, and as he disarmed the one he held, he immediately lifted the firearm to the guard's temple and spun him his direction. Using him as a human shield.

"They're in here!" she called, and twelve operatives emerged.

"Ah, shit..." Ace murmured, but didn't let up his firm grip as Cerberus stepped up with raised firearms. It was probably the only reason he was still alive. The guards hesitated, Kaidan's hands in the air, until Toshiwa stepped up with a chuckle.

"I admire your dedication!" he called, giving them a slow clap. "I take this is a 'no' from your part, Alenko?"

Kaidan clenched his jaw. "I'm afraid so."

"Ah, such a shame..." Before Kaidan had the time to recollect his thoughts, Toshiwa's hand was by his belt, and a shuriken crossed the distance swiftly. A direct throat-cut at the guard in Ace's grasp. The guard gurgled, blood springing like a red fountain, Ace wide-eyed as he let up his grip and watched the man fall before his feet and took one step back. On impulse, Kaidan stepped forward, placing himself between the two.

Ace had directed the gun at Toshiwa, but Toshiwa simply shook his head. "You know how I survived for so long? Because I had the will to do what others would not," he replied, eyes falling to the dead man and shrugged. "Expendable. See?"

"You're certainly quick to betray your own," Ace said, and then the power was turned back on.

"I could say the same about you, 'Wright'."

Ace scowled. "Do you have a damn clue how many restless nights I had after you had me do Cerberus' dirty work?" he snapped, his eyes burning with fury. "Those experiments, those murders, the torture? I was disgusted by the whole thing. What I had done. I was following orders from Alliance brass... so go to hell. I was never one of you sick fucks."

"Oh, but that's where you're wrong," Toshiwa replied, and Kaidan saw a puzzled frown breach Ace's brow. "Did you really think that we were reckless enough to simply let you join our ranks after your association with Commander Shepard?"

Toshiwa fell into a pause. "Lieutenant... please dispose of Major Alenko."

"What the actual fuck makes you think that I would -?" Ace began, but then Toshiwa held up a small device. It didn't look like any grenade he'd ever seen, so hell, what was it? Toshiwa's thumb ghosted over a button, and he pressed, in a single movement.

With a pained groan, Ace hunched over, taking after his head.

"Ace...?" Kaidan tried carefully, but then he saw him straighten. Slowly, Ace turned towards him. His pupils were glowing blue, no emotion on his face, looking like an empty shell of himself. Kaidan's breath got stuck in his throat when the firearm was only inches away from his own temple.

In his peripheral vision, Ace's finger twitched towards the mechanism, but Toshiwa held up a hand and stopped him.

Kaidan's lips pressed into a thin line.

Control chip. Cerberus had planted a damn control chip in him. That explained the video footage.

Ace twitched briefly, and for a moment, he was back to himself. His breath hitched. Managing to process the situation, he went wide-eyed, his body shaking somewhat as if he was fighting it. The brief consciousness he might have experienced was only to vanish. Back to no emotion.

That spark of electricity that hit him earlier.

Convenient.

Maybe it was easier to fight now.

"Huh. Looks like his implant has been damaged somewhat. Doesn't work as effectively anymore. Fascinating!" Toshiwa called, eyes glistening with young enthusiasm. He calmly paced over and stopped when he stood before them. "Seems like the tables have turned. So, as you can see, we took a few precautions before we let Mr. Hunt here out of our clutches. I mentioned how Lawson wanted a control chip in Shepard, but he was invaluable, and we couldn't risk damaging him. Hunt, here..."

Toshiwa patted Ace's shoulder. "He's expendable. Useful, but expendable. I was the one who fitted him with implants, and while the other doctors weren't looking, I added a chip to his arsenal. Clever, right? No one suspected a thing."

Cerberus truly were sick bastards.

"Well. I certainly haven't given up on you yet, Alenko. You'll break somehow. Everyone does," Toshiwa said, and waved his hand. "Mr. Hunt. Please, if you could be so kind... shoot him in the foot or something. It'll probably extinguish some of his undeniable moral."

Ace's finger itched for the trigger. Kaidan shut his eyes. Awaiting the sharp pain.

The gunshot sounded.

"Kaidan, go!" was the next thing he heard, strangled, as he heard the gun drop to the floor with a clatter. When he opened his eyes again, Ace was hunched over, a bullet hole having left its mark to Kaidan's right placed straight into the wall.

 _/"K, go! Now."/_

Not again.

He wasn't going to repeat that.

Kaidan only briefly saw the horror in Toshiwa's eyes before he threw himself towards the gun, raised it, and took the shot. It grazed Toshiwa's shoulder that in return re-opened the wound he got at Minuteman Station, and that half of his body staggered back, taking after it. The device flew out of his grasp, hitting the concrete floor, out of reach. Kaidan rendered seven of the operatives immobile with a _Throw_ before he fired another shot at the device, ruining it. Ace was back in control of himself.

Just as he was about to take the final shot, the operatives stepped towards with raised assault rifles, spraying bullets their way.

"We've gotta go, the shuttles are up there!" he called, grasping Ace's good arm and yanked him behind a close wall. They took to running, Cerberus heavy on their heel with two Atlas mechs as the alarm was set off, until he glimpsed what he was looking for.

Kaidan made a decision long time ago.

He pushed Ace in and punched the shuttle's door-close button.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Ace called, enraged.

"Those Atlas mechs are going to destroy the damn shuttle before it even gets 10 meters, for god's sake - we'll both die!" he called back. "You know where this place is! I'll hold them off so you can get out of here safely and open a comm-link once you're in-range! Tell the Alliance! I can handle myself until they send reinforcements!"

"Why the hell couldn't we discuss which one of us should stay back?!"

"Because you're in no condition to fight, god dammit! Like it or not, but you're going to get yourself killed! They still got a use for me, remember?! You heard Toshiwa! They'll try any tactic possible to make me talk!"

"Dammit, Kaidan..." he murmured, knowing he was right. "Stay alive, you hear me?!"

"I'm planning on it!"

The shuttle was sprung out, and he was alone, adrenaline building up in his whole body as the operatives pushed forward. Having taking cover behind a wall, he fired, until he no longer saw the shuttle. He held out like that for about ten minutes, but then he ran out of ammo, and his biotics were all on cooldown. He could do nothing more but to give up. Surrender. Cerberus collected themselves around him, and not before long, his hands were forced behind his back and his cheek rifted as it was pressed to the cold floor.

He could do nothing but wait.

* * *

Shepard wasted no time to get to the medical facility at Arcturus after he received a message that Ace was back. The message came from Hackett, requesting him to come meet with him outside Ace's room after they talked, wanting to explain everything that had happened. Judging by how well-fortified the place was, he could move freely, not being restricted to one room. He stepped into the room and the sight had him breathe out.

Ace sat hunched over, hands connected between his knees, dull eyes staring at the floor before him. He looked entirely defeated. His shirt was off, a fresh bandage wrapped around his shoulder, and Shepard saw that his hair was somewhat thinner at the location of his implant. Shepard immediately understood that he had operated, a white Band-Aid covering the area, about one inch in width. When he looked up and met Shepard's eye, his expression softened apologetically, but he had other concerns at the moment.

Shepard walked up to him. "Hey..."

"Hey," he replied, with a small twitch of his lips. It immediately mellowed. His gaze fell to the floor again as if he had some sort of phantom pain. Ace refused to meet his eye for some reason. Not even when he crouched down between his parted legs.

"Implant?"

He watched him nod wearily. "You could say that," he muttered, another small twitch that shortly dissolved. "I don't know what Hackett told you in that message, but... Cerberus implanted the L5 implant with a control chip when I lay at their operating table. They just removed it." Shepard's eyes snapped open, and it all made sense, remembering what Hackett had told him about the video footage. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asked, smirking. "Hell, it wasn't like you had a choice."

Ace shook his head. "That's not what I'm talking about."

Shepard's smile weakened somewhat.

"Then what?" he asked, feeling the signs of nausea coming back to him. Ace finally looked up to meet his eye, his jaw locked tight, and Shepard immediately realized. His expression fell. Shepard's hand balled into a fist. "Kaidan?" He felt his voice betraying him. "He's...?"

"...still at that Cerberus facility," came a gravelly voice, and Shepard's attention snapped to the doorway. Hackett stood there, hands clasped behind his back, a drained look on his unusually soft features. Shepard swallowed hard and pushed up from the floor. "You're a smart kid, so I'm sure you already suspected he was involved in all this. While being under Cerberus' influence, Hunt here rewrote Major Alenko's orders and lured him out to where Toshiwa was located. I admit, I was wrong. I was wrong to doubt Hunt."

Hackett looked at Ace, but he just nodded with the same forgiving demeanor. "Because of his wounds, Alenko chose to stay behind himself, holding the troops off so that Hunt could escape and send reinforcements. Alenko knew that they wanted him alive."

"Because of me," Shepard muttered, his throat tight.

He fell into a pause. "Major Alenko's connection to you is no mere coincidence, Shepard. He's one of the few people who knows you're here," he replied, his voice apologetic. "On a more positive note, thanks to Hunt's intel, we now know where he is. I give you my word. Dr. Jiro Toshiwa has seen his last day a free man. Count on it."

"When are we leaving?"

Hackett frowned deeply. "You're not going anywhere, Commander."

"Like hell I'm not!" he snapped.

"We both know that what Toshiwa want is you, and we know now how to contact him, but we've chosen not to play his games. However cruel it might seem, your life these days is irreplaceable compared to his, and right now your recovery is our top priority."

"I never asked for this," he replied, strangled.

Hackett narrowed his eyes. "None of us did, Shepard. I don't enjoy making these decisions, but the Crucible and its connection to the Catalyst is too important to let waste, and we simply can't risk it. There's also the matter of Anderson. I know you'd want to find the one responsible."

"So he's out there, getting tortured or god-knows-what on my behalf, and I'm just sitting here on my ass sipping expensive drinks and eating food?" he spat, feeling the anger rush through his veins. Hackett opened his mouth to reply, but he wasn't done. "I'm sick of getting people killed simply because they've been a part of my life!"

"I know you're pissed, Shepard. Hurting," he replied, calm as always. "Hell, the whole Alliance knows, but we're in a situation we're forced to deal with. You need to understand that some things are out of our control. You're staying put. That's an order."

Swallowing hard, he locked his jaw tight, attempting to stare down the unwavering admiral.

Shepard finally backed off. "Permission to walk, sir?" he asked, his voice firm. Showing no hint of emotion. With a sigh, Hackett closed his eyes, and gave him a singular nod. Before he had the chance to change his mind, Shepard was out the door, long strides having taken him across the floorboards.

He heard Ace say his name, a request for him to come back, but he ignored it.

* * *

Arriving back at his room, Shepard ripped off his jacket and threw it at the bed, leaving him in a dark grey tank top.

He placed himself before the punching bag and started beating on it. Letting go of all his frustration. He allowed the adrenaline fill him up, injecting him with the invisible serum, engulfed in an inferno like a wild beast held back by its collar. His breath turned from regular to panting gasps, struggling for breath, air feeling suffocatingly thick around him as the lights were burning through the fabric of his clothes. He blocked everything out. Every sound. Every object. Everything but the red bag that had engulfed his vision. His attention. He wanted to kill someone. Rip free from his leash. Tear something apart.

Face red with heat and exhaust, his cheeks were burning, locks of his three-inch long hair plastered to his forehead. He was moving like a devastating tornado. A natural disaster that no one could tame. Stop. Hold back. He was a ticking time bomb ready to explode. Pain was seeping up his arm each time his fist connected with the nearly solid surface. But he didn't care. Knuckles cracked repeatedly at impact. But he didn't care. His chest rapidly rose and sank with each shallow breath he drew in. But he didn't care.

"John..." came Ace's voice, soft and worrying, him deaf to his soothing words.

Beads of sweat ran down his forehead as he was beating harder at the red bag, a hail of repeated fists rocking the object, shaking it with a fury with his repeated attacks. Bleeding. Darker stains of red being left at its surface.

His knuckles were bleeding.

But he didn't stop.

He couldn't.

Shepard ignored the repeated calling out of his names, and he felt the blue aura forming around his body, his _Reave_ flickering as it was ready to finish off his opponent. The bag was nearly knocked off its own bolts, the clinking metal rings driving further and further from its base, ready to slip and stab someone's eye out after a few more punches. His breathing was quickened further. The beatings became harder, faster, more erratic and restless, but he couldn't stop.

His vision blurred as a salty substance had his eyes watering.

Fogging his view.

"John!" was repeated, but he ignored it. His blood was boiling with a restless heat.

Too busy with his own thoughts, he felt an arm drape around his neck, the shock nearly having him flail his arms and protect himself from whatever grabbed ahold of him. He was yanked back. Separated from his unyielding opponent, Shepard nearly fell to his knees, his erratically shaking body feeling ten times heavier. Then he was back in the now. Escaped from his own mind. Ace pulled his back against his own chest, strong arms enveloping him as they stood, his head bowed and heavy. Exhausted hands were shaking, skin torn straight from its knuckles, knitting his fists to silence them.

"Dammit!" he snapped, the tears now streaming down his face as his body shook violently.

Grasping Ace's wrist that lay horizontal across his throat, he squeezed, his shoulder grasped by the same hand as Ace hugged him fiercely. A cheek pressed against his shoulder blade, holding him, letting him know that he wasn't alone. He was angry at himself. Angry for allowing anyone to see him like this. Angry at losing his practiced control over the years. Angry at Kaidan for awaking these feelings in him.

Angry that he might never see him again.

This was why he didn't get attached, why he'd never have a normal life, because he knew everything he touched turned to shit. The whole damn thing was his fault, and yet, it was everyone but him that suffered for it.

First Anderson, then Ace, and now Kaidan.

 _/"Everyone I care about has a tendency to get hurt. Or worse."/_

Ace just held him until the worst was over, when Shepard regained control of his breathing, tears congealed as they had left nearly transparent lines down his cheeks. His brows were knitted together just as tightly as his eyes were pinched closed. He took several deep breaths, blowing them steadily out, and swallowed the last emotion down.

His breathing steadied.

"I can't stay here," he managed to say, his voice surprisingly leveled as he once again had control. Ace patted his shoulder gingerly, and he felt him nodding, green eyes tightly closed before eyelashes brushed against his skin.

Ace snorted lightly. "Couldn't hold you back even if I tried. I already called Joker. I'm coming with."

* * *

A whiff of nostalgia hit him when he stepped into the familiarity of the _Normandy._ Although his mind was yet fragmented, what he could remember was enough, and he was brought back to those logs Liara's device had brought him. Some of his memories had gradually come back, enough to know that this was where he belonged, brushing his fingers across the ship's walls with a somber expression.

This was home.

" _We're ready when you are, Commander... Uh, Shepard,"_ came Joker's voice over the comm. _"Just give the order. We're all behind you. It's damn good to have you back."_

Shepard found himself smiling. "Damn good to be back."

He stepped into the war room.

"Ready to fuck some shit up?" came Jack's voice, and he saw his whole crew ready for orders. Liara, Tali, Garrus, Wrex... everyone. Even Grunt, Zaeed and Samara had dropped by with one singular purpose. Saving Kaidan.

He startled when his shoulder was tapped, but when he turned, Kasumi uncloaked with a quirky smirk.

"Hey, Shep!" she said, just as enthusiastic as ever. "Miss anything good?"

Ace told them what they were facing.

It didn't take long before Shepard stepped up to the war table, the crew collected around it, attentive glares as he palmed his hands to the concrete to debrief them of the plan he'd come up with. He had ordered Vega to stay back at Arcturus Station to make sure no one found out that he was gone.

"All right everyone, listen up," he said, with an authoritarian gaze. "I don't know how much time Kaidan's got left, so hell, I'm going to make this brief. Not to waste any time, Joker's already got the ship moving, and we're headed out in the Horse Head Nebula. I need each and every one of you to see this through. We can't afford any mistakes."

Shepard paused, meeting every eye in the vicinity. "I've been away for a long time. Somewhat over a year since I was last in command of anything. Over a year since we touched down on Earth and sent the reapers to hell. I still don't know what happened back at the Crucible... but enough of my memories has come back for me to understand that you're a damn good crew that I was honored to serve with. Each and every one of you are important to me. You're allies. Friends. Hell, you're my damn family."

Tali sniffled, and with a smirk, Shepard teased, "Suck it up, Tali."

He registered a few muffled laughs before he continued on. He could tell Tali was blushing, but she was also smiling, her eyes having crinkled at the corners.

"I've been acting like a jackass and dismissed you guys. Dismissed your attempts at helping me. I needed you. I needed Kaidan, and right now, he needs us," he added. "I'll be damned if I'm going to leave him behind."

 _Not again._

EDI brought up the map of the facility that Ace had transferred over his omni-tool.

"Now, we'll be arriving in about a day, enough time for us to prepare for what's coming," Shepard said, gesturing to the map. "This is a big damn facility we're heading into. We need to be thorough. Judging by Ace's intel, they've also got Atlas mechs."

Samara put her hands behind her back. "How many of these mechs should we be expecting as we arrive?"

"Ace?" he asked, turning to him.

"The half amount of pods you saw on that collector ship back in 85, I reckon," he replied, and Shepard's eyes shot open. "They're produced there. Thankfully, they're not all operative. Many needs spare parts and even more needs to be charged first. It takes Cerberus about ten minutes to power and refill each with ammunition. The engineers can reduce that process to five minutes."

"Then our plan is to take out the engineers first," Shepard replied with a nod, and fixated his gaze back at the others. "I won't lie, crew. Even if we've decided to take the stealthy route in, we _will_ be forced to fight eventually, but I'll ask you all to keep your firearms sheathed until Kaidan is safe. We can't expose our position before we have his exact location, and therefore, we'll send a small strike team to avoid early detection. The rest of you will remain at the ship and await the signal of engaging full fire."

Shepard straightened. "As we did back during the suicide mission, we'll split into teams. Garrus, you're in charge of team one; Wrex, Tali, Samara and EDI goes with you," he said, and Garrus nodded. "Miranda, you're in charge of team two; Jack, Kasumi, Zaeed and Grunt is your squad."

"Can I count on you two playing it nice?" he asked, eyes fleeting between Miranda and Jack.

Jack scoffed, but her tone was fond. "Yeah, yeah. The cheerleader has proven herself. I still want her out of that fucking swimsuit."

"Oh, I'm sure you do," Miranda said, with a roll of her eyes. Jack's body went rigid, and a few awkward glances was shared, while Shepard couldn't help the small grin that kept up on his face. Miranda's face flushed. "That is not what I meant!"

"I'd pay to see that," Kasumi grumbled, nudging Grunt who released his characteristic laugh.

With gritted teeth, Jack murmured, "I will destroy. Every. Single. Fucking. One of you."

In return, that earned a few laughs.

"I understand that Ace and I are on the strike team that requires fewer participants, but with all due respect, Commander..." came Liara's voice, back to the matter at hand. "Do you not think it is rather careless to have a team with simply two people?"

"You won't be on your own. I'll be right there with you," he said, and their eyes shot open. "I know the risks. It's me they're after, and if they see my face, Kaidan is as good as dead. The N7 armor would be a dead giveaway, but I've thought ahead, so I'll be equipped differently. My face will be covered at all times with a helmet. Don't worry about that."

Shepard pinned Ace with a look. "One more thing, Ace. No biotics, understood? Not unless you have no other choice."

"Aye, aye, sir," he replied, without skipping a beat, but Shepard knew he was lying. There was little he could do about that. Even though he was wounded, Shepard needed him there, because that map they had wasn't entirely accurate.

* * *

Shepard retreated to the cabin when everyone knew of their plan to see this through. His eyes traversed to the same display of model ships that he'd earlier seen. There was an empty space. He remembered that the _SR-1_ used to be located there.

Blue eyes fell to the table underneath, frowning as he saw a turned photograph, and picked it up. He flipped it around between his fingers, and the lines in his face faltered, coming face-to-face with something he couldn't quite comprehend. It was a little girl. Probably 4 or 5. She was wearing his old N7 helmet with a triumphant crinkle in her blue eyes, so he couldn't see her face, holding the _SR-1_ in her hand.

 _Maybe she had it?_

In cursive, probably written by Kaidan, he saw a name.

' _Ashlee S.'_

Something told him that he should know who she was.

Flagging it off, he shook his head, and put the picture back.

He stepped further into the room, passing the illuminating fish tank, taking in his surroundings. When he first entered, a strong feeling of belonging had seeped and coursed through his veins, remembering the last time he was there.

 _With Kaidan._

His abdomen churned at the name. Sometimes, you don't know what you have, until it's gone. Kaidan had been there every step of the way, or at least as often as he could, still being sent out on missions for the Alliance. He still didn't know why he became so defensive about it. When Ace told him about the past 15 years, he understood, even forgave him. When he found out about Kaidan, he immediately lashed out, feeling hurt.

What Jack said still haunted his mind.

 _/"He's the only fucking one who hasn't given up on your sorry ass."/_

The others had already apologized for losing faith in him.

Shepard picked up his old, broken N7 helmet, holding it in his hands. There were cracks in the casing. A sign of the war that he had endured already when the collectors surfaced. Another flash interrupted him, and he was back in 86, watching that very same helmet while Kaidan stood a few feet away.

That's everything he saw, but hell, it was enough to conjure up that memory.

He had opened up his heart to Kaidan about losing all sense of direction after their fight on Horizon. He told him about the peoples' lives he ruined, about the people he'd killed, about the illegal services that he had assisted simply to earn a couple more credits. He remembered that Kaidan had barged out of the room when Shepard lied to him about not regretting what he had done, he remembered that Kaidan had distanced himself, temporarily breaking their relationship off.

He also remembered how Kaidan came to him when he was broken, after the fall of Thessia, telling him that he was ready to try again. He was brought back to that night, wrapped up in Kaidan's embrace, when an immediate feeling of belonging ushered through.

 _/"Hell, call me an idiot if you want... but I can't just quit you. I can't, because... because I love you, John."/_

It was the first time Kaidan had said those three words to him. When he was presented with them, he didn't know what to do about the information, as he himself had never before used those words. It scared him because right then, right there, he understood that the feeling was mutual. He hadn't said anything back simply because he was convinced that he'd never make it out of this war.

The fact that they were both there, still alive, proved how wrong he was.

He wondered if he had ever told him, and now Kaidan was out there, presented with the possibility of never knowing it. Shepard was no longer in denial. He felt like a piece of shit and that was putting it mildly. The nausea conjured back up again.

 _I'm coming, K._

* * *

Struggling against exertion, it was as if Kaidan's limbs weren't his own, his every intake of breath a negotiation rather than an order.

His back was hunched, hands tied behind his back, the rough rope too tight as it dug into the tender flesh. Blood was dripping steadily down his wrists, and as if he could hear it, each reddening drop that hit the marble floor had him wince. The sound bore into his brain. If he even as much tried to move, he'd simply collapse, possibly breaking every bone in his now fragile body. Just the thought of moving had his every limb scream their agonizing dismay. He was attached to a chair that had numbed his whole being.

Or maybe it was the various drugs of all sorts that they had injected him with.

He couldn't tell.

His gaze moved to look at the fresh pool of blood before him.

 _Is... is that mine?_ he thought, brows drawing together at the display. The hammering of his head denied him clear assertions. _It... it can't be. It's too much. Way too much._

Nausea hit him as the smell of dried blood seeped up through his nostrils.

It hurt keeping his eyes open, so he let them flutter shut, no longer straining his vision. The voices around him were muffled, but he knew they weren't whispering, the beating at his temples deafening as they drowned out the words. One by one. Bit by bit.

He had lost his unconsciousness at least twice during his sessions, accepting the brief moment of peace, before he was brought back again.

Receiving a question from his torturer, he forced himself to look up, pinning the man with an unwavering glare. He didn't flinch when he saw him fish up a needle, possibly about to inject more drugs, and he was right. The needle, as big as two inches, penetrated a different hole in his arm instead of using one that was already there. Shortly after, he found that he couldn't close his eyes, and his tear canals began filling up unwillingly.

His mouth was filled with blood, and he spit the substance out, having no idea where it was coming from.

Kaidan watched as the man picked up a screwdriver. His breath hitched when a small hammer came to view. Another operative that stood behind him grasped his chin, viciously yanking up his head that had him involuntarily groan, giving better access.

The force used had him wonder why the hell his neck hadn't snapped.

If a snapped neck didn't mean immediate death, then hell, he probably wouldn't even have noticed. Kaidan's whole body was hurting. His heart started beating vehemently, the screwdriver moving closer and closer to his left eye, before lightly pressing the tip to the white area.

Toshiwa stood about twenty feet away, watching, although he hadn't participated in Kaidan's suffering.

"Still not talking?" the man asked, voice without emotion.

Pursing his lips together, Kaidan clenched his jaw, knowing this would hurt like a son-of-a bitch.

The man lined up the hammer. "Last chance."

"Go to hell," he spat, his throat unbelievably sore as it hurt to simply speak. The man with the screwdriver shrugged, briefly looking at the operative holding his head, before giving the metal to his eye a gentle tap.

Kaidan shouted in agony, the pain unbearable, a single tap being the most painful experience he had ever endured. The light and salty substance was replaced by a thick red, a pool of blood forming near his lower eyelid, blurring his vision further. From his left eye, he could only see red, while the colors were clear on his right.

He just wanted to escape all this. He just wanted it to be over. He just wanted to die.

"I'll ask again..." the man continued. "Commander Shepard. Where is he? Tell us and do yourself the favor of not having to endure any more of these... unpleasantries. No one is worth this kind of inflicted pain. Don't you agree?"

 _You're wrong._

The man gave the screwdriver another tap, and Kaidan shouted again, nearly having his eyes rolling back in his skull. If that wasn't enough, the man started burrowing the tip further into his eye, possibly puncturing it if he hadn't already. They'd probably start ripping out his nails soon, knowing this technique wasn't working, and he shuddered at the thought. He could've given them a false location, but they would've found out, and he would be presented with something even worse.

The drugs affecting his eyes wore off, and the operative holding his jaw let go of his face, his head bowing down heavily. He finally closed his eyes, the blood reaching his pupil, irritating it greatly. He felt the thick substance running down his cheek.

Kaidan tried not to focus on the pain.

"What the hell did you do to him?!" called an all-too familiar voice, and he managed to force his eyes open. The blurry silhouette of an armor-clad soldier seeped through his vision, and although voice muffled by the helmet's echo, he knew.

 _No..._

Toshiwa straightened. "Shepard?"

 _Dammit, John..._

It became a full firefight, and Kaidan winched, the sounds being too much as the migraine came in its full force. He couldn't recall how much time had passed, but in one moment he saw John, Ace and Liara, and in the next his eyes had once again closed.

In his hazy vision, he opened them again to see a grenade being thrown, although connecting to a concrete object that had it change its course. It was headed straight for him. Little could he do but watch when the object rolled towards him, but before he could embrace for the impact and accept his death, Ace stood before him. He had brought up a barrier-and-shield combo, not unlike the one he created back on Sanctum, creating a wall of impenetrable dark energy that stayed firm as the grenade exploded on the other side. Ace's legs were shaking briefly, in pain, but he stood with the barrier raised.

"Kaidan!" he heard Liara call, and she rushed over. She fell to her knees before him, taking Kaidan's face in her hands, her expression immediately to mellow in sorrow as she saw his wounds. He felt the cold substance of medi-gel applied, to no use, as he had lost too much blood.

He saw tears quickly fill her ocean blue eyes. "Kaidan... Goddess, stay with us!"

In the commotion, John was alone with Toshiwa, operatives all around them. Liara threw in a few attacks to assist him. It was as if his all strength came back to him when he saw his lover, his back pressed up against the wall, Toshiwa holding him in place with a one-arm chokehold. He was killing him. On shaky steps, Kaidan stood despite Liara's objection, his own limbs aching from exertion. But it didn't matter.

John was in danger.

With what little strength he had left, his biotics flared, _Throwing_ Toshiwa's body into the wall. As far away from John as he could. A loud clatter was heard, and his own head rang mercilessly, his implant flaring up greatly. Everything became one big haze. In but a moment, the door burst open, and he watched Garrus barge in with a team that was quickly followed by Miranda with her own.

Rendered immobile, Toshiwa was overpowered, his hands connected behind his back by Garrus and Zaeed, the doctor's cheek pressed to the marble floor. Cerberus were quickly taken down now when they were easily outnumbered. The whole crew was there.

He wanted to laugh.

They really came for him. All of them. Every single one.

It was too bad it was too late.

Ace dropped the barrier as it was no longer needed. Kaidan's wobbly legs could no longer hold him, feeling them give in underneath, and he fell to the floor. Liara grasped him, mending his fall, lessening the impact.

He heard John call his name, and in his blurred vision, hurried steps were made towards him before he no longer could keep his eyes open. Strong arms curled around his body when Liara retracted to offer space, enveloping him, a gloved hand on his cheek as his back was supported against his leg. The pain was unbearable now when his adrenaline had worn off. He realized now just how much he was hurting. How much his wounds stung. How much he just wanted for it to be over.

"K. K, please... look at me..." came John's voice, his pleading voice strained as the grip around him tightened. With the little feeling he had left, the sensation of a thumb brushed against his cheek, caressing it.

Opening his eyes, he saw John's face, and all his fears surrendered.

"John... 'm sorry..." he muttered, incredibly blue eyes being the next thing he could remember - taking in every inch, every detail of his face, in hope he'd never forget how he looked like –- before brown hue fell to the chain that had slipped from underneath John's armor and hang loosely.

He had re-equipped Kaidan's dog tags, and right then, he knew that he was forgiven.

Kaidan wanted to smile, come up with some kind of ridiculous joke to lighten the situation, but the muscles and every fiber in his whole body was too tired to respond. He was shortly forced to close his eyes. Kaidan could no longer keep them open. He felt chapped lips press gingerly to his, and he was in bliss, savoring the taste of John's mouth upon his own one last time as he let in his tongue.

The kiss became weaker, and weaker, until he no longer could return it. He succumbed to the eternal darkness as his body went limp. Benezia was right. There was no light. Just the suffocating darkness in an endless void as his name was called once more.

 _You're going to have to go to Vancouver without me._

His heart went still.

* * *

 _ **A/N:**_ _"The thing about happiness is that you only know you had it when it's gone. I mean, you may think to yourself that you're happy. But you don't really believe it. You focus on the petty bullshit, or the next job, or whatever. It's only looking back, by comparison with what comes after, that you really understand that's what happiness felt like."_

 _\- Conrad Kellogg, Fallout 4 (also Thane Krios' voice actor.)_

I still stand by my word. There is a happy ending for m!Shenko. Let that comfort you! You might find this scene unnecessary, but hell, it's necessary. It was the only way Shep could realize how big of an idiot he's been. The quote above explains it. I figured it was important to tell you guys this. Don't want you to feel deceived :)


	49. Ch 49: The Echo Shard

**Chapter 49: The Echo Shard**

* * *

" _I'll keep him safe." - Ace Hunt_

* * *

 **A/N:** I finished this three days early, and I have no self-control, so here you go!

* * *

Slow, steady beeps. Languid. That was everything he heard.

Shepard sat hunched over, propped up in a chair by Kaidan's bedside, looking at his unconscious form. The medics on Hackett's extraction team nearly had to pull him away when they arrived. When he held Kaidan's lifeless body in his arms.

The feeling of dread in that moment was the worst thing he'd ever experienced.

Before they touched down at that facility, he had struggled to get into his armor getup again and lift his gun, still suffering the remnants of his supposed PTSD. He didn't really think too much about it when he knew that Kaidan was in danger, but when he was separated from him again, the panic set back in. He became fully aware of his surroundings. Dead Cerberus operatives. Kaidan's blood on his hands. The red pools around him. The sights. The sickening smells of both blood and various drugs of all kinds. It was too much.

Miranda was the one to snap him out of it when he sat there, staring down at his shaking blood-soaked hands, trying to process everything while they carried Kaidan out of the room. When he came back to himself, she suggested he'd go see a therapist, to help him deal with everything.

He had little patience for shrinks, but hell, he couldn't keep going like this.

Right now, he just wanted to be there for Kaidan, be there for him when he woke up. The doctors at Huerta Memorial Hospital had got him back thanks to Miranda's expertise, stabilized him, her personally requesting to be in charge of his care. She had thankfully told him that Kaidan would make a full recovery in a short amount of time.

Various surgical tubes stuck out of Kaidan's body, draining the drugs from his system, and the sight of it made Shepard nauseous to the point that he nearly had to look away. He had flashed when he saw Kaidan like that. Flashed back to the time when he last lay on that gurney.

The difference was that this time, Shepard didn't have a galaxy to unite, and he could stand by him.

His own doctors had told him that his memories should've come back by now, and he had accepted the inevitable truth that he'd never make a full recovery, knowing that he could make new memories. No matter how much he wanted to remember his old ones.

Shepard reached for his face, carefully lying his arm atop and across his bare chest as he removed a stray lock of hair from his forehead, gingerly brushing his thumb against his temple and cheek. He looked so peaceful. Serene. Tranquil.

Carefully, he pressed his lips to the scar on the left side of his mouth, hearing the heart monitor acting somewhat up.

Shepard smiled against his lips. Revering in the sign of life. He pulled away somewhat and touched his forehead to his, pressing his lips together, his jaw tightly clenched. He wanted to remember how it felt to feel those lips upon his own for the first time. He wanted to remember their first night. He wanted to remember every moment, however brief, that they shared together. He wanted to remember their last moments.

Feeling his vision blur, he straightened and quickly wiped the substance away, not letting them fall.

This was getting too sappy for his tastes.

 _I'm going to kick your ass when you wake up again._

Propping a hand to his thigh, he pushed his heavy body up from its seat, and headed for the door. When he stepped out of the room, he inhaled deeply, his eyes fluttering shut. Opening them again, he saw Ace across the room, leaning to a nearby wall. He was twining some kind of device between his fingers, brows creased to reveal that he was deep in thought, mind focused on one thing.

"Hey," he said, watching green eyes snap open as he looked up.

Ace's expression mellowed. "Hey," he replied, offering a small smile in return. "How's he doing?"

"He'll make a full recovery."

"Thank god," he muttered, grip tightening around that metal object. He shortly took note of Shepard's careful, somewhat curious expression, and let out a small snort. "This thing is to blame for a lot of this bullshit."

He handed it over, and Shepard took it in his hands as they sat down on a nearby bench, a bullet hole having left its mark.

"You doing okay?"

"I'll be fine."

"Ace. C'mon, talk to me. You know I care about your well-being."

A small smile crept up on Ace's lips, and he felt a hand at his thigh, gently squeezing it.

"I know," he replied, and his hand retracted. "I'm, uh... I'm going back to New York." Shepard's eyes widened, and Ace held up a hand, allowing him a chance to explain himself. "Everything's fine. I'm just conflicted."

Shepard waved the device. "About this?"

"Yeah." Ace inhaled deeply, and blew it out slowly, as his eyes fluttered shut. "This –this... thing, has been inside me for fifteen years. Hell, I've probably done tons of shit I don't even know about. Worst part, it's always been there, and yet Cerberus had me do all that consciously. I'm haunted by all that when it could've been avoided with the simple press of a button. When I was under effect of this thing, it was simply like a dream, a nightmare. I'd rather take that above doing those things in a conscious state any day."

"I'm not exactly a stranger to killing, myself."

Ace chortled. "No, I guess you aren't. Still, I think I have your death-count beat by dozens. I keep asking myself if it was worth it."

"It was," he said, without skipping a beat. "If it wasn't for you, I never would've agreed to help the Illusive Man. The collectors would probably still be roaming around. You got them into Minuteman Station. Gave that bastard Toshiwa a beating, too."

"You say that like it's so easy."

"Sometimes sacrifices need to be made. You couldn't blow your cover. It was necessary."

A slow smile spread on his lips. "Hard to believe you're younger than me."

"Two years, Ace. Ain't much of a difference," he replied, shrugging. "Hell, maybe back then."

Silence.

"I'm proud of you," he said fondly, and Shepard's features mellowed. "Who would've thought the jackass street kid in a leather jacket, covered in oil stains, would turn out to become one of the most respected soldiers out there?"

"Who liked to fuck in cars," Shepard chimed in casually as he propped a hand to his thigh, earning him a chuckle. "I was surrounded by good people. Guess I got lucky. Not only that, but I had the drive of wanting to make right by a certain boyfriend I thought died." Ace's smile softened, green eyes falling to the floor, nodding solemnly. "Look, 'bout what happened back there -"

Ace sighed heavily. "John, stop. You did nothing wrong. You know that, right?" he asked rhetorically, smiling somewhat. "There's no doubt that I still care about you in that way, but hell, I know when to quit."

"Ace..."

"I told you. I'll be fine. I wasn't lying."

For a moment, he just looked at him, the sincerity in his voice penetrating.

Taking Ace's chin in his hand, he tilted his head up, before leaning in and pressing a soft kiss to his mouth. When they broke apart, Ace pressed his lips into a thin line, touching his forehead with his own.

"Now get out of here," Ace said with a fond smile, pushing him away. "Get something to eat. I'll keep him safe. I promise."

 _I know you will._

"Thanks."

* * *

It took some time to get used to the light, and if that wasn't enough, Kaidan could only see through his right eye. The side of his face was irritated and itched, and he was about to remove whatever it was giving him that sensation, but stopped when he looked into a small mirror by his side. There was a cotton pad covering his left eye in shape of an eye patch. He immediately remembered what happened. All leading up to the point when he blacked out.

It was fuzzy. Unclear. The last thing he remembered was the sound of Toshiwa's body thumping against the concrete wall. The rest was a blur. At least the amnesia he had suffered wasn't nearly as bad as John's. He could remember everything else.

Kaidan had immediately recognized the local. Huerta Memorial. He'd hoped he'd never have to see it again.

He winced at himself, knowing he looked like shit, but his expression immediately mellowed as he in the mirror saw the peaceful figure sleeping propped up in a chair behind him. Head fallen to the palm of the hand supporting his head, elbow resting at the chair lean, an ankle squared over a knee. Kaidan moved his head, and although it hurt, he endured. He saw dark circles around his blue eyes.

"John...?" he tried, his throat sore as he fought the urge to cough. Hearing a thumping sound, he turned away, finding himself looking at Miri covering her mouth. She'd just dropped a data pad. Her blue eyes filling with unshed tears.

Kaidan smiled weakly. "Hey," he said, his voice hoarse.

He saw the smile appear by her hand, and she dropped it, pressing her lips into a thin line.

"Welcome back," she said fondly, like a whisper, careful not to wake John.

Miranda ambled over to a small sink in the same room, grabbing a glass on the way, filling it with water. He gladly accepted the offer as she held it out to him, and drowning the liquid, a relief went through his body as it parched his dry throat.

He cleared it, keeping his voice low. "How long was I out?"

"Two weeks," she replied with a nod, and her gaze fell to John's sleeping form. "He hasn't left ever since he was allowed inside. Barely took the time to sleep or eat. I think this is the first real rest he's had during all this."

Kaidan felt his expression fall.

"Do you want me to wake him?" she asked, but he shook his head.

"No. No, let him rest. He clearly needs it," he replied, and fell into a pause. "What happened?"

"When we found you... you were nearly tortured to death," she muttered, voice thick with emotion. She cleared her throat. Closed her eyes. "After you disabled Dr. Toshiwa, you simply... collapsed." She drew her lower lip behind her teeth. "You died."

His eyes shot open.

"Then how am I here?"

Miranda smiled again. "Well, I do have experience with bringing people back from the dead."

He chortled, but immediately regretted it, wincing at the sensation.

"Okay, that... yeah. Good point. Thanks."

"Anytime," she replied. He opened his mouth, but was stopped, when she held up a hand "...and before you ask, yes. You'll get your sight back and make a full recovery. We won't have to keep you here for more than a day. You can leave tomorrow if you want. Your implant flared up, and although we did consider to replace it, we knew that wasn't a choice we were to make. You deserved a say-in."

"I... I appreciate that. Still, I think I'm going to take my chances. Don't need another case of amnesia. What about Cerberus?"

"Ever since Toshiwa was brought back into custody, they've laid low, deciding to give up their chase. For all we know, the organization might have disbanded for good here in the Milky Way, and if they do decide to continue on... they'll need decades, maybe centuries, to regroup."

"I find it hard to believe that Toshiwa was the only reason why they gave up."

She shook her head. "Let's just say that Shepard had the last say-in," she replied, and he frowned. "After Toshiwa was brought back into custody, he... we'll, he gave him a piece of his mind. Made sure Cerberus knew what happened when you pissed off the legendary Commander Shepard. They had to pull him away." Kaidan's eyes went wide. "Personally, I found it to be somewhat extreme, but then I remembered what pain he's inflicted on the both of you, and bloody hell, don't hit me with that 'integrity talk.' Toshiwa deserved every blow."

"I agree," he replied, and quickly noted the surprise on Miranda's face. "He would've done way worse things to John."

After seeing him like that, helpless and pressed up against the wall while close to death, it was his last straw. He'd personally take care of anyone that dared to hurt John ever again. Kaidan refused to lose him again.

It was egoistic, yeah, but he felt like they both deserved to be egoistic for once.

They had both given so much and expected nothing in return.

It was their time to be selfish.

"I'm glad you see it that way," she replied, smiling playfully as she put her hands on her hips "...and by the way, your mother got word of what happened. She ordered me to tell you to 'get your ass back home' before she traveled all the way here to pick you up herself." Kaidan sighed loudly, leaning back to the gurney, knowing he was in trouble. "I wouldn't dare to defy her."

Kaidan smirked. "Yeah... then we're two."

If John hadn't woken up by then, he'd simply send a message, telling him where he was. Judging by the fact that John had been right there by his side, sleeping in a damn chair and refusing to nourish himself, he figured that they had a lot to talk about.

There was only two more challenges left for John to face.

His knowledge about the Catalyst...

...and Ashlee.

* * *

Shepard connected to Hackett on his omni-tool.

" _Shepard. I was hoping you'd call. How's Alenko doing?"_

"Lawson mentioned how he regained consciousness earlier today. He'll be back up on his feet soon."

" _That's damn good to hear. He did one hell of a thing out there. We all owe it to him,"_ he replied, and fell into a pause. _"I know I might seem 'all business,' and you might not believe it, but I care about the well-being of your crew and yourself. I don't blame you for defying orders to go after Alenko. Hell, he did the same to get to you. I probably would've done the same in your position."_

Hackett narrowed his eyes. _"It was reckless, selfish, and I'd have preferred for it not to have occurred. But I understand. I just need you to be aware of the ramifications this might've cost us if you were captured."_

"I get it, but with all due respect, I'd do it again within a heartbeat."

" _You do a terrible job trying to convince me that what's between you and Major Alenko is professional, Shepard,"_ he replied, his voice weary. Shepard just smirked. Accepting it as a fact. _"There are reasons for those fraternization regs, Commander. You know that as well as every other soldier. The mission is always a priority and we can't risk compromising it. I'm going to have to reassign Alenko. For all our sakes."_

Shepard shook his head. "That won't be necessary, Admiral," he replied, and shifted on his foot. "I've seen enough war to last a lifetime, or two, in my case. I've decided to lay down my gun. Retire when I still can."

" _It's a damn shame to see you go, but I understand, and I have no right to hold you back. You're one of the best damn soldiers the Alliance has ever seen,"_ he said, until there was a lilt to his voice. _"I was going to offer you the position as humanity's representative in the Council, but even if that happens behind a desk rather than on a battlefield, something tells me that won't happen."_

He cringed. "I'm... not on the best terms with politicians. Or reporters. Or fancy suits."

 _I don't even know how to tie a damn tie._

Thankfully, dress blues didn't use ties.

" _Which is why I figured it wouldn't happen,"_ he replied, and raised his chin. _"You and Alenko were the candidates I was rooting for. When he's back up on his feet, I'll ask him, knowing he'd do just as well as you. However, your say-in says a lot. If you know of any other particular candidate that would fit, please indulge me, although I'm convinced that Alenko would do exceptionally well."_

He nodded. "He deserves it."

" _I'm glad we can both agree on that,"_ he replied with a small smile. _"We've already moved your stuff back to Tiberius Towers now when Cerberus is out of the picture. You should probably go home and get some real rest, Shepard. You look like shit."_

Shepard chortled, knowing he was right, admiring how Hackett said things straight out.

"Aye, aye, sir," he replied, and gave one final salute as a soldier.

Hackett returned it with a nod.

" _I wish you luck in life, Shepard. Hackett out."_

* * *

The apartment lay in silence when the door flew open, and thankfully, he had remembered the entrance code. It felt like a lifetime ago since he was last there after everything that had happened. The place was left untouched.

Shepard stripped down to his briefs and let his heavy body fall to the bed, far too big for one person, an immediate feeling of longing embracing him. Closing his eyes, he realized just how tired he was, struggling to open them again. With every fiber in his body, he fought against the dismissive thoughts conjured up in his head, letting himself know that Kaidan was going to make it.

He fell asleep.

#

" _Anderson..." he said, his voice strangled as he stepped up to the Citadel dome. Anderson stood by a console, leant up against it, supporting himself as his already worn body had suffered the effects of the beam._

 _Whispers filled his mind, him unable to recall the words, almost like the coursing of waves in a restless sea._

" _I underestimated you, Shepard," came the Illusive Man's voice, stepping into view from behind him. Oily shadows danced around his own living form, forcing themselves into his brain, scurrying and scrambling with his mind until he no longer could think clearly. It was as if the shadows held his body down, reaper projectiles in his mind, their muffled cries toying with him._

 _The Illusive Man placed himself between them. "I warned you," he added, a scowl on his husk-alike face, signs of indoctrination piercing through his skin. "Control is the means to survival. Control of the reapers... and of you, if necessary."_

" _They're controlling *you*," Anderson forced out, looking straight past the Illusive Man, and directly into Shepard's blue eyes._

 _After a time pacing the room, Illusive Man said, "When humanity discovered the mass relays... when we learned there was more to the galaxy than we imagined... there were some who thought the relays should be destroyed. They were scared of what we'd find. Terrified of what we might let in. But look at what humanity has achieved! Since that discovery, we've advanced more than the past 10,000 years combined. And the reapers will do the same for us again. A thousand fold. But..."_

 _Shepard hunched over with a groan, his head ramming against his temples, taking after his head as oily shadows danced around his living form. He was unable to think. Unable to fight. Unable to control._

 _His gun was directed at Anderson._

 _The Illusive Man stepped forward "...only if we can harness their ability to control."_

" _Bullshit," Anderson chimed in. "We destroy them, or they destroy us."_

" _And waste this opportunity? Never."_

 _In Anderson's voice, he could've sworn he was hearing himself, the same echo when the Illusive Man spoke as well. It was as if neither of them were truly there. Like Shepard was battling with himself._

 _Right against wrong. Anderson against the Illusive Man. Shepard against submission._

" _Listen to yourself..." Anderson said, his voice hoarse, eyes never moving from Shepard's "...you're... indoctrinated."_

 _*Gunshot*_

#

His body jerked awake, and with a deep intake of breath, he was back in reality. His heart was ramming against his rib cage, seeking release, wanting to break free from its unwavering hold. The sheets were covered in a thin layer of sweat.

He closed his eyes, exhaling before he fell back to the bed, unable and unwilling to resume his slumber.

Just a nightmare. That's all there was. Nothing more.

Shepard just lay there, staring at the roof, until the clock chimed 0510.

Making his way down the stairs after taking a shower, dressing, and styling his three-inch long hair - which was a damn pain - he observed, the apartment lying in silence. The sun was about to raise behind the horizon, tiny beams of light breaking through the window tapestry, a glass he left last night reflecting the beam to his eye that had him wince. Prying them open again, they fell to the coffee table, glimpsing a small box.

He suspected that someone had dropped by in the night and left it there for him.

Either that, or he had been too tired last night, not paying attention.

A note lay quaintly beside it. It was from Ace. He recognized the handwriting. Smirking, he took in the hilarity of using traditional cursive, as most people would do these things digitally. Ace was always kind of old-fashioned.

He picked it up and let his eyes search the words.

...

 _'Hey, Chief. I found this thing after getting my stuff and asked a little around. Ran into your cheery prothean friend on Kahje during one of my missions who gave me some useful intel about it. Hope it helps.'/blockquote_

...

Javik?

After the mass relays were fixed, he had simply vanished, and now he knew where he was.

Kahje.

For what reason, he didn't know, and accepted the fact that he probably never would.

Frowning, Shepard's attention fell to the small box placed before him, picking it up and holding it in his hands. Unwrapping the cardboard, he forced its sides aside, veins jutting as it was well-taped. Inside it lay a paper bag with some kind of flat metal. He immediately recognized it.

The Echo Shard.

Shepard could briefly remember that Javik had given it to him before they launched their final mission, so hell, it must've been found on him when he was torn free from the fallen debris and rubble that had pinned him. He'd been told to 'add to it,' and hell, this could be the solution to all his current problems. As Miri had told him, his memories would never fully be recovered, and there were considerably big holes here and there.

He picked it up, contact broken by the plastic, and took a deep breath.

Gingerly, he took off the cover, the Shard floating with a dark energy force field. For a moment, he simply looked at it, until he reached out. He hesitated briefly when his fingertips were inches away, drawing his bottom lip behind his teeth, before reducing the distance.

Images flooded his vision, and he closed his eyes, taking everything in.

Every smell. Every sound. Every feeling.

#

 _/"Thinking you were gone... it was like losing a limb..."/_

 _/"Are you flirting with me, Commander? Wait, wait! Don't tell me. Let me live in the illusion..."/_

 _/"Maybe I've never found... What I want, is something deeper with someone that I already... care about..."/_

 _/"Hey... there you are..."/_

 _/"Seems like you're having a bad day, Shepard..."/_

 _/"I lied... I -I didn't come here for a quick drink..."/_

 _/"You're real enough for me..."/_

 _/"Don't get me wrong! I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again..."/_

#

In a flash, everything came back to him, and one of the final memories he had added left him breathless.

#

" _You've got to get out of here," he said, pinning Kaidan with an unwavering glare as the Citadel pulsed erratically behind him. There were fires everywhere. Reaper beams and destroyed vehicles. The air was filled with smoke and death._

" _Yeah... That's *not* going to happen."_

" _Don't argue with me, Kaidan!"_

 _Struggling against Garrus' grip, he muttered, "Don't... don't leave me behind..."_

" _Kaidan, there's no time! You're in no condition to keep fighting. Get to the damn med-bay!"_

" _No, I'm with you to the end..."_

" _K, listen to me. No matter what happens... know that I love you," he began, stepping up to his lover before gingerly taking his cheek in his hand, brushing a thumb against the pale skin. "Always."_

" _John, I... I love you, too."_

#

In a deep intake of breath, his eyes snapped open, his every memory processed in mere seconds. His breathing was heavier, pupils unfocused, staring out in the empty air before him. Three years of memories. It all had him flash through the remaining twelve.

He wished he'd never re-experienced his final moments at the Citadel.

Anderson. The Catalyst. The child.

The loud ear-wrenching sound that had etched into his thoughts and roamed his nightmares, and Anderson's deep intake of breath as the bullet pierced him, echoed in the vast of the open Citadel dome came from that gun. Held by Shepard's own hand. It didn't make any sense. He'd never pull the trigger on the man he considered his father. Not even if his life depended on it. He _couldn't._ It wasn't just a dream, but hell, it couldn't be entirely accurate.

Emotions came all at once. Denial, anger, sorrow. He felt nauseous, and his head began to spin, having to put a foot behind him to remain in balance. His vision blurred with unshed tears, his jaw locking tight, swallowing the thick substance in his throat down.

He'd lost Anderson but he realized that he still had someone to come back to.

Come home to.

No matter what they faced, no matter what they endured, Kaidan was and would always be home.

With shaky hands, he flipped the note over.

...

 _'He's back. London Spaceport. Go get him, Shep.'_

'- _Ace'_

...

Shepard immediately took to his feet and started moving towards the door in a hurried pace. On his way, he grabbed a small box on the dresser, and didn't even bother grabbing his jacket or lock the door as he stormed out. His objective was clear.

Find Kaidan.

* * *

Holding out a hand with his palm up, Kaidan quickly registered the rain that the clouds had brought with them, revering in the cold substance being a welcome distraction in the timid air. It wasn't about to clear up anytime soon. More and more rain emerged from the skies.

Thankfully, Kaidan knew what the weather broadcast had said, so he wore a stuffed black raincoat.

The flight to Vancouver was far from packed, as it had calmed down already ever since the relay became accessible, and Kaidan managed to get a ticket without problem. His wounds had mostly healed, and he no longer needed supervision, Hackett having allowed him to return home. Crazy enough, Hackett didn't want to be at the mercy of Mrs. Alenko himself, suggesting he'd see her as soon as possible.

The plane would arrive in five minutes.

Hackett had offered him a private plane to take him there, thanks to his Spectre status and the perks that came with, but he was tempted to refuse. Then again, a private plane would get him there quicker, and he wanted some distance from London after everything that had happened.

He didn't want to be treated any differently from any other civilian, so hell, he didn't want to get used to it. If there was one thing he needed to get used to, it was the damn eye patch, and he felt ridiculous having to wear it. Even if that was the case, people easily recognized him, and a couple of kids even ran up to him asking for an autograph. It never failed to bring a smile to his face. Seemed like the whole _Normandy_ crew got that same treatment after the war was over. Kids wanted autographs, and hell, they gladly provided them. Kaidan had to shake his head with a smile when a little boy said how awesome his eye patch was. Maybe it wasn't that bad.

He still felt ridiculous.

Seeing the plane touch down on the spaceport, he pulled up from a bench he had settled into, located below a sturdy roof that shielding him from the wet substance that was now pouring down. It was spring. It always rained in spring.

He grabbed his duffel bag as he would stay in Vancouver for at least a couple weeks.

Hackett had ordered him that shore leave. Kaidan was also looking forward into seeing both his mom and Ashlee again. It had been nearly a month since last time. The war was over and he could finally allow himself to relax.

His hand settled at the side of the plane as he was about to enter, but he found himself hesitating, frowning as he could swear he heard the engine of a motorcycle grow significantly louder. Someone was driving like a jackass. Would probably kill someone in the process. He turned, and narrowed his eyes to see through the rain, seeing the MC's handbrake being pressed really hard that turned its broad side facing him.

Water, having filled cracks and pits in the road, would've soaked a group of civilians nearby if he hadn't stopped when he did. Whoever it was pushed up from the seat, not wearing a helmet, only adding to the reckless display. There was too much rain and too many people around for him to make out a face, but that someone pushed through the crowd, and his own eyes went wide when he heard his name being called. He knew that voice. Far too well. His jaw dropped, but when he came back to himself, he blinked owlishly. He tried to convince himself that he was just going crazy. Was seeing visions.

"Kaidan!"

He gave the pilot a hand gesture to wait before turning back.

"John?" he whispered.

His expression was immediately to mellow as he slowly stepped down from the stairs. Gently placing the duffle bag at the ground, he watched as he was approached with firm steps and long strides, his hurried pace only meaning one thing.

He was pissed.

Kaidan raised a hand as if to shield himself from his fury.

"Shepard, I -" he tried, but didn't have time to finish before a fist launched his way - straight into his cheek - sending him winching to the side, wobbling, wavering. He groaned at the impact, the pain seeping up his cheek, nearly reaching his head in the process. "Agh... Okay, I -I deserved that one -Mhmph...!"

Everything went quiet when his face was grasped by calloused hands and a pair of full lips crushed against his own. His eyes went wide. Kaidan's hands hovered before he processed what just happened, and with an internal sigh, he allowed his eyes to flutter shut.

He melted into the immensely passionate kiss, letting in John's demanding, wet tongue with ease.

Hands roamed across his neck and into his hair, and he shivered as they reached his amp port, pulling him closer as his own hands curled around John's water-soaked white shirt that was nearly gray now. He couldn't complain. It gave a wondrous display of his defined abs and pecs.

Kaidan reined him in, their entire bodies in contact, needing him as close to his own body as possible. Needing to touch him. Feel him. Worship his every curve. Entirely synchronized, their tongues had their own minds as they played a game of chase, swirling and sucking. He sighed as John drew his lower lip between his teeth, until claiming his mouth again, gently rubbing Kaidan's earlobe with his thumb and index finger.

They paid no mind to that they were standing in the middle of a spaceport.

It didn't matter.

The kiss broke with a soft, wet sound, and Kaidan peeked up with dazed eyes.

"Where the hell do you think you're going, major?" John breathed, and touched his forehead with his own, his eyes tightly shut. Kaidan was still trying to comprehend the situation. "Hell, I... I remember."

Clear relief traversed through his whole body.

He wanted to laugh.

The burden was eased from his shoulders.

He watched as John swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly. "I'm damn sorry, K," he added, his brows drawn together in frustration. "Hell, 'sorry' doesn't even cut it. I've put you through all that shit and had no goddamn idea."

"Hey, it -it's fine," he replied, smiling fondly. "Hell, you had amnesia."

John looked at him again, and his brows shot up, before he blinked once. "Damn. You with a patch, is... pretty hot," he said, and Kaidan arched a brow at his abrupt change of tone. He couldn't tell whether he was being serious or not. But when John's blue eyes searched his face to only languidly fall to his mouth, he watched him bite into his lower lip, and his pants immediately felt tighter. He was serious. That much was certain.

Smirking, John leant in, briefly stealing his breath away. John tugged lightly at his lower lip. "I've always had a thing for role-play," he murmured against his mouth, a goofy grin creeping up on his face that made it impossible not to love him.

"You're... my god, you're fantastic." Kaidan was grinning, too.

For a moment, John just looked at him with a small smile, and he found himself curious about what he was thinking.

"Look, there's, uh... there's one more thing," he finally broke the silence, reaching for his back pocket. "I got this while you were recovering at Huerta Memorial. I mean, hell... maybe it's moving things too fast, but I don't really give a damn." John pushed the small object up between his index and middle finger with his thumb. Kaidan's expression immediately mellowed when he saw what it was.

A simple copper band.

John held it out to him, and with tentative fingers, Kaidan took it and held it in his hands. Barely able to take his eyes off of it, his mouth somewhat agape, he peeked up and into incredibly blue hue. He didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but hell, that didn't stop his heart from beating significantly faster.

"Even had it engraved," John added, and Kaidan gingerly turned it around. He nearly choked when he saw what was written there.

' _Your John, always.'_

John cringed. "A diamond was kinda gay," he said, and Kaidan felt his lips gradually tugging upwards, attempting to keep his amusement at bay. "I mean, shit, I won't judge you if you want a diamond. Didn't mean it like that. I don't know what the hell I'm doing."

"John -" he tried, voice thick with emotion.

"I guess I could take out a loan or something," John added, frowning deeply as his eyes were far away. "I'm still suffering for what those jackasses Garrus and Joker did back in 83 when tapping me from credits, and then that Illusive Fucker had me go out mining after Element Zero to provide for myself. I don't have much, but I'd be willing to pull a few strings to get you what you want -"

"John," he tried again, firmer this time. Kaidan cupped his cheek to force him to look at him. John blinked, seeming somewhat taken aback, his expression a mix between deadpan and surprise. "I don't want a diamond..."

Kaidan smiled fondly "...I want _you."_

"That a 'yes'?" he asked, a slow grin spreading on his face. "'Cause I can provide for that."

He chortled. "Yes," he muttered, his voice husky. "Yes. I'll marry you, John."

"This... went a lot better than I expected."

Chuckling, Kaidan draped and arm across his shoulder blades, pulling him into a tight embrace. He buried his face in the grope between his neck and shoulder as his brows curved in a nearly concerned fashion, clutching John's soaked shirt, holding him close.

He opened his eyes again as he held him close.

"I can't stop grinning," he muttered, well-aware of how stupid he probably looked where he stood. His breath hitched although transpired into a small chuckle when John grabbed a handful of his ass, giving it a gentle squeeze, greedily claiming what he knew was his. "I've, uh... I've never heard of any punches followed by proposals..."

"Only with you, major..." John replied, the cocky smile transparent in his voice. "Only with you."

His smile grew even bigger as John had just quoted their skycar 'date' after Sovereign's defeat. They pulled away shortly after that. Kaidan touched his face with his left hand and just stared. Taking him in. John Shepard was back, _his_ John, and now his fiancé. Taking ahold of his wrist, he moved Kaidan's hand down to his right pec, and used his other to take the ring and swiftly press it onto Kaidan's finger. It slid on as if it belonged there. John took his face in his hands again, forcing him into a fierce kiss. Kaidan bent with his body, devouring his full lips, arms in a protective hold around his waist.

Eventually, John sucked in a breath, his lip quivering slightly before he cleared his throat.

"Okay, so... could we get someplace dry? I get that you're Canadian, but I'm freezing my ass off here."

He had completely forgotten how the rain was pouring down.

Trailing his eyes down to see that John was simply wearing jeans and a t-shirt, he immediately felt bad seeing that he had eyed his form up a couple minutes ago, not considering what little he was actually wearing. John was shaking lightly, and Kaidan couldn't help but snort, pressing an apologetic kiss to his temple. Shrugging off his own jacket, John arched a brow, and Kaidan didn't waste a moment to drape it around his shoulders.

John snuggled into it, looking precious as all hell, and Kaidan pulled him close.

Activating his biotics, he heard him sigh relieved, burying his nose in the crook of his neck while still clutching the sides of the jacket together. They had to get moving, so it was simply to get him somewhat warmer, but it helped. He tightened the embrace before pulling away.

This was cliché to a fault, but hell, he didn't give a damn.

Sliding a hand down John's strong arm, he intertwined their fingers, the pressure being returned as he started moving towards the plane in a hurried pace as they pushed through the remaining crowd. The pilot had been waiting for them patiently. He heard the sloshing of wet soles and he knew that he really needed to get John out of those clothes before he caught a cold. He smirked as the idea was far more appealing than it should be.

Kaidan had heard it was pretty cozy back in that plane...

"So... where are we going?" John asked huskily, smirking as if he had caught up with his thought process.

He brought the phone back to his ear. "Vancouver," he said, and the phone was immediately picked up on the other end. "Yeah... hi, mom. I hope you don't mind, but I'm bringing someone with me."


	50. Ch 50: Redemption

**Chapter 50: Redemption**

* * *

" _So... what do you say we get you out of those wet clothes?"_ _\- Kaidan Alenko_

In which John, uh... _makes it up to_ Kaidan.

* * *

 **A/N, *TRIGGER WARNING*:** NSFW! Smut. 90% hardcore smut and 10% fluff.

* * *

Being soaking wet wasn't exactly a good feeling, but having caught Kaidan discretely eyeing him up on more than one occasion, he paid little mind to it. There were still some staring bystanders, but the crowd around them had dissolved, and they managed to get inside the transport ship that reminded him of a small business jet.

He had pulled up the collar of Kaidan's jacket well up to his cheeks, getting lost in his scent, reminding him how he still hadn't given him his grey hoodie back. Shepard had grown far too attached. He didn't really want to part from it.

 _Well shit, it's mine now,_ he thought, having left it back at the apartment.

"So... what do you say we get you out of those wet clothes?" came a suggestive voice, Kaidan shooting him a dark look over his shoulder with a mischievous spark in his eye.

"Two minutes into our engagement and you're already taking advantage of me?" he asked, feigning offense. "Damn, Alenko. I'm wounded."

Kaidan shook his head, smiling. "I'll get you some change."

"Uh-oh. You're not putting me in anything compromising, are you?"

"Careful, Shepard... don't give me any ideas." Kaidan zipped up the duffel bag and began rummaging through it. Separating from Kaidan's jacket, he threw it at the backrest of a seat, arms enveloping around himself to keep up the remaining warmth as he tiptoed on his feet. Although he himself could _reave,_ he didn't really consider himself a biotic, as he didn't know how to harness the dark energy in any other way. Therefore, he couldn't warm himself or others up, like Kaidan sometimes did.

There was still a noticeable difference between a L2 and L5 implant, and since the L2's were more unpredictable, the L5 didn't have any side effects. However, not all the side effects were bad. The reason why Kaidan's hair always stayed like that was because of the L2 and Shepard would kill for never having to style his own damn hair again. He needed large amounts of gel to keep it the way he wanted.

It was a damn pain, but still, he was thankful he didn't suffer from migraines like Kaidan did.

After being detained back in 86 because of what happened at Aratoht, Shepard forgot everything about how to use biotics, having to approach Kaidan when he was back on the _Normandy_ so he could re-teach it.

He could do just fine without biotics, but then again, it gave him an excuse to be close to Kaidan. Nightly visits and teachings to progressively regain control. Shepard had to admit that he acted way more stupider than he actually was, resulting in longer and several nights than actually needed, anything just to spend time with Kaidan who was always busy with something else. Completely focused on the war and dedicated to his new rank, Kaidan rarely took the time off to simply chat or hang out, so Shepard compromised with what he could. It was back to a time when he thought Kaidan was straight, and thinking back, he truly did feel ridiculous making an assertion like that.

Especially considering where they were today.

After nearly 4 years, they were getting married, and he couldn't help but feel like the luckiest guy alive. Kaidan was damn perfect, and he had no idea how he had managed to land him, or what he had done to deserve him. Kaidan had gone to great lengths. Never once did he give up on him, even when Shepard treated him like shit, stirring his abdomen unpleasantly. Swallowing, he averted his eyes, brows drawn together in a concerned fashion as he looked ahead of himself.

To get his mind off things, he got his hands busy, pulling the soaked shirt off over his head.

Kaidan turned, his body going rigid, until brown hue peeked up. Shepard winked at him, grabbed the cloth and headed for the dressing room, registering a small growl from Kaidan to let him know just how displeased he was that he didn't plan to change right there in front of him.

Shepard loved teasing him like that.

He swung the door shut after him, bringing the cloth to his nose, registering Kaidan's scent.

It was his favorite.

Kaidan had found him a plain white shirt, a pair of jeans, the standard briefs as well as a just as neutral colored footwear. Neither of them were particularly fond of flashy colors, although Shepard made an exception for red, and Kaidan for blue.

It was kind of their colors.

" _John?"_ came Kaidan's voice, at the other end of the door. _"We, uh... we have a lot to talk about."_

Shepard frowned. "What about?" he asked, stripping down.

" _I told you we were going to Vancouver, right? To meet my mom,"_ he said, as Shepard began dressing. _"I mean hell, that's scary enough, but..."_ A slow smile spread on his lips, and Kaidan snorted, almost hearing him shake his head.

Kaidan sucked in a breath. _"Well, there's... there's another thing you should know."_

His whole body went cold when Kaidan had explained who was waiting for them back in Vancouver.

Ashlee.

Ashlee _Shepard._

The aspect of meeting his daughter after almost 5 years made him nauseous to the very core. What the hell was he supposed to do? He knew nothing about interacting with a kid, yet alone raise one, but maybe it'd be easier with Kaidan around. Just the thought of setting Ashlee up for adoption had him cringe, never knowing what kind of sick people could get ahold of her, and that made the decision - however terrifying it was - for him.

He wanted to keep her.

"So... her name's Ashlee," he muttered, beginning to button up his shirt. "What are the odds, huh?"

" _I know. It's crazy."_ He could hear the smile in his voice. _"But you've got nothing to worry about, John. She's great. Obedient. Her mom did a good job raising her."_ Kaidan fell into a pause. _"I, uh... I think you'll like her."_

"What if she doesn't like me?" he asked, wincing.

" _John... that -that's ridiculous. She just... she had a bad first impression."_ Shepard felt his own expression fall. _"She, uh... she was in the comm-room when you contacted me before we touched down at that Cerberus facility to grab ahold of Ace."_

* * *

It had gone quiet, and Kaidan bit into his lower lip, wondering what was going through John's mind. He was leant up against the wall with arms folded across his chest while awaiting a response in the suffocating silence. Anything.

The door was pushed open, and John stepped out, looking entirely defeated.

"She saw that?" he asked, his voice close to breaking. Kaidan could do little but offer him a compassionate look. He watched him put a forearm to the wall and press his forehead against it. Blue eyes tightly shut. "Shit, K... I don't know if I can do this. I'm not fit for a damn father. I didn't even have one of my own."

"Hey. Just because you didn't have parents yourself doesn't mean you can't do right by being one," he soothed, reaching out to run his hand through his hair. "None of us know what happened, but if they really did leave you, then hell... do a better job than them. You're compassionate, loving, kind, funny... overall a great guy. She'll idolize you."

He gingerly moved fingertips to the sensitive area of his L5 implant, feeling his shiver, having sworn he heard purring.

His eyes couldn't help but fall, eyeing up his own fabric that was now hugging John's form, from his broad shoulders to the curve of his ass that was not slightly sticking out because of his position. The buttons on his shirt were unfastened from the neck and down to the collarbone. The sleeves pulled up to his elbows. No matter what John wore, he looked like a model, and he felt guilty being tempted to take him right there.

Kaidan smoothed out the muscles in his body by running his hand down his shoulder blades to the small of his back, and John stood, wishing for more contact as he backed into his touch. He happily obliged by stepping up behind him.

Lowering his voice, Kaidan added, "You're also attractive as all hell, have a sexy voice, preform like a god in bed, and all those things you'd probably hit me for not saying... but I'm keeping those to myself."

"I'm also reckless, stubborn, short-sighted, sometimes loud -"

"John," he exhaled, having just spoiled the mood.

"...and everything I touch turn to shit."

Silence.

"Ouch."

"What?" he asked bewildered, clasping his ring-bearing hand. "No! That's not what I -"

John seemed to realize that he had been joking.

"You'll do great," Kaidan said. "As I told you after Thessia's fall... I'm going to be with you every step of the way."

"Then you'll be staying a long damn time," he replied, twisting in his arms to curl the fabric of Kaidan's shirt into his fists as he faced him. "Once you're in on this, you're not going anywhere. I won't let you. You're mine now, Alenko."

"Mm... good. Because I'm not letting you get away from me again," he murmured, smirking. "That means you want to keep her?"

Silence.

"I guess so. Sure as hell wouldn't trust anyone else. I've seen enough shit in my lifetime to know that," he replied, dropped his forehead to Kaidan's collarbone and grunted "...and here I was, wanting you by myself for a longer period of time."

Kaidan blinked. "Wait, are you... jealous of a 4 year old girl?"

"Yes," he growled into his shoulder, not denying it. "Not only that, but we're too damn young to give up sex."

A heartfelt chuckle brewed up in Kaidan's gut as he pulled him closer. "She goes to bed at five. We'll have some time for ourselves," he replied, and felt John's body go rigid when he gently nipped at his earlobe. In the process, he dropped his hand to gently squeeze his ass, hearing his breath hitch. "When you get too loud, I'll just have to, uh... shove something in there... to shut you up."

"Oh yeah?" he purred, the want in his voice making him semi-hard. "We're alone now."

He grinned as he gently nipped at John's jawline, and taking him by the wrist, he was about to pull him back into the dressing room. Nevertheless, John stood firm. Kaidan arched a brow, but before he could ask, his back was slammed up against the bulkhead.

In the walkway.

In plain damn view.

"I've put you through hell, K," he added, twining two fingers through his belt loops. "Let me make up for it..."

His heart was beating more and more rapidly.

"John, what are you d -?" he tried, but the only reply he received in return was a cocky wink. His heart got stuck in his throat when he realized that John had begun working off his belt. Kaidan let out a breathy laugh. "Christ, the –the flight attendant... she could step in any time."

"I'd say it's a 50/50 percent chance."

"You know... that dressing room, the one _right_ there," he said, motioning his head its direction "...has a lock."

John's grin took a wicked turn, his eyes dark, having his head do cartwheels.

"Hell, what's the fun in that?" he purred without shame, giving his hip a gentle squeeze. John pressed up against him, briefly taking his breath away, their cocks touching over the fabric. In a swift, controlled tug, the belt was off. Delicate index fingers roamed just inside the rim of his pants as he still held the belt. "You know... I picked up a few things from my clients back on the streets. Figured I'd show you. What do you say?"

 _God, yes..._

"Go ahead," he replied, somewhat strangled, in hope his enthusiasm wasn't transparent. Nevertheless, John didn't move at first, as if he was waiting for something. When Kaidan's gaze fell down, he saw him holding the belt by its far sides, his heart getting stuck in his throat. He looked up again, his heart beating vehemently harder, having a good idea where he was going with all this.

Kaidan swallowed hard. "You, uh... you planning on doing something with that?"

"Just tie you up," he replied casually, and his throat went dry. "Kaidan, do you trust me?"

 _With my life._

Slowly, he nodded, watching tentatively when he moved closer.

"You know... I've learned a lot of things the past couple months," he began, blue eyes transfixed at the belt. "One, you're a terrible liar. Two, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Three..." Blue hue peeked up, a dark glint ushering through. "How much I want to see you squirm at words alone, completely at my mercy, before I deepthroat your rock-hard cock and make you see stars."

His jaw dropped, left speechless, forgetting to breathe.

John smirked slowly. "Four... how turned on you get when I talk to you like this," he said, voice seductive. "Now let me take care of you and make that picture a reality, yeah?"

Mouth still wide open, he felt his chin grasped, gingerly closing it for him.

He felt his cock twitch against the fabric, desperate begging for release, already there. John forcefully slanted his head for him, picking his target, lowering a hard kiss to his neck. Feeling his flushed skin be sucked into John's wet mouth, he moaned, a hint of teeth grazing up towards his ear as he felt John's own erection press up against his thigh. Automatically, Kaidan grasped his shirt, fists closing around the fabric as he yanked him closer to feel his just as hard member. His breath hitched at the friction. Revering the feeling of John's full length pressing against his. John's hands moved to grasp at his shirt, and with ease, it was pulled off over his head.

Surprisingly, Kaidan found his words. "So, you, uh... you've done this before, huh?"

"Sure have."

"...and, uh... and how'd that go?"

"Never had any complaints. I was a local favorite who could fill out most of my clients' kinks. Dozens would pay extra just to fuck me - or be fucked - personally," he replied, lightly biting Kaidan's pulse point when it began to move quicker "...or be sucked off by me." Kaidan was too caught up with the sloppy kisses and gentle bites to notice that his hand had moved far lower. He sucked in breath when John dropped his hand and cupped his aching cock above the fabric before beginning to languidly stroke him.

Breathily, Kaidan asked, "That so?" while arching his hips up into the touch.

The need to feel John's hold around him, the need to cooperate with his every movement, was suffocating. Kaidan clutched the cloth on John's back, nails digging into the smooth surface, holding onto him as if he was simply a mirage and would just dissolve.

Another throaty moan managed to slip through his lips and he buckled further up into John's firm hold.

He trailed up his shoulder, across his neck, and dug his hands into his dark brown hair to make him aware that he was close. John chuckled, a rumble low and straight from the gut, and retracted his hand. Whining, Kaidan pushed up harder against him, desperate for regaining the missing contact.

John grinned. "Easy there, Tiger. I haven't even started."

He threw his head back to the bulkhead, cursing under his breath, as he had just been denied his release. John was calling the shots - being in a torturously playful mood - and he couldn't do crap about it.

 _Bastard..._

Kaidan blew hard through his nose. "Christ, this better be worth it..."

"Oh, it will."

Hearing the downright cockiness in it, he knew that hell, it _would_ be worth it. That made waiting in anticipation far more challenging. He needed to feel those divine lips around his cock, hear the suction, the wet sounds that John used to make while preoccupied with his length. It wasn't like this was the first time he had given him a blowjob, so yeah, he knew what he had in store. Christ, John's pouty lips were _made_ to give blowjobs, and that shone through.

His biceps grasped, John trailed his arms down, before settling at his forearms.

"As much as I love you touching me... having you inside me and seeing you riding my cock when we take turns... not this time," he murmured, nipping at Kaidan's pulse point to earn him a soft whimper. Lips never leaving his neck, Kaidan was pushed up harder against the concrete, his hands soon behind his back as he could feel the belt envelop his wrists. With a determined tug, his breath hitched, his palms back-to-back and unable to separate.

To test their hold, John tugged slightly, seeming pleased as a small hum emerged from his mouth.

He wanted to kiss him. He needed it. He craved.

Lips only inches away, Kaidan attempted to claim them with his own, but John countered with a smirk. He let out a small growl, only making the smirk grow wider, and Kaidan offered him his complete trust. The rim of his pants were grasped and he yanked forward..

"Tell me how much you want this," he purred, earning him another whimper.

"God, John... I -I want... I _need_ it... c'mon..."

"You want me to suck you off, that it?"

Kaidan squirmed. "Christ, y -yes... please..." he pleaded, his cock twitching from attention underneath the fabric.

"I need to hear it from you."

"My God, John... I -I need you!" he growled, sexual frustration building up in his bloodstream. "I need you get down there and suck me off like your life depended on it, 'cause I swear to god, I'm going to biotically kick your damn fine ass if you don't start right now!"

Smirking, John asked, "Wait, you're going to spank me with biotics?"

"Spanking is different, god dammit," he murmured, keeping his voice low. "You won't... you won't enjoy what I'm going to do to you."

John chuckled, amused at the display. "Well, when you put it that way..."

His head spun when John dropped to his knees before him. Clasping the rim of his pants, it didn't take long before both they and his briefs were halfway down his thighs. He was given a long, hard, look, John drawing his bottom lip between his teeth as he eyed his trophy. The mischievous spark in the blue hue had his already spinning head pick up the pace of a damn chained gear, and just by that look alone, he knew that John wasn't planning on showing him any form of mercy anytime soon.

As if he hadn't suffered enough already.

Sticky kisses and even more bites were placed all over him, but John explicitly avoided his throbbing member, teasing the area around with tongue and teeth alike to arouse him further as hands roamed up his thighs to grab his ass.

He was already leaking pre-cum, but John paid no attention to it, as he silently wallowed in amusement.

"Major, I need you to fuck my mouth," he murmured, and Kaidan squirmed once again. Restless, he struggled against the restraints in desperate need to touch him as John started working his wet tongue against the vein of his shaft with direct control, licking his way up. Hands tightened around his ass, getting a better grip, kneading it.

"J -John..." he panted. "Christ, just... just get on with it already."

John's lips brushed against the head. "If you ask nicely."

"John... p -please... You're killing me..."

"You're killing me...?"

" _Sir."_

"That wasn't so hard now, was it?"

"John!" he growled.

After an accomplished grin was revealed on John's face, he finally took his length between his lips, the wet warmth of his mouth enveloping his cock as his tongue made connection. Biting into his lower lip to silence himself, Kaidan shut his eyes as his head fell back to the bulkhead, powerless to his assault. He wanted nothing more but to grab him by the hair to increase the pressure, but settled with closing his fists, not having anything to clutch.

Not only did the three inches made him look younger, but it was something to grab ahold of, too.

The panic set in when he heard a sound, as he stood there exposed, on immediate alert as the adrenaline built up. John pulled back from his dick with a wet pop, immediately having him miss the warmth of his mouth, only to hear a low rumble from John's gut.

It was just his own phone that had slipped out of his pocket.

Letting his eyes close shut again, he wanted to sigh in relief, only that he was stopped mid-sound as John went right back in with ease. He had made the mistake of looking down, seeing John as he bobbed between his legs, a lock of hair having fallen to his forehead. He was tempted to push it back into place, but he couldn't, neither wanting to interrupt his concentration.

Blue eyes peeked up with dilated pupils, meeting his, another moan escaping his lips at the sight.

Panting, he muttered, "John, s -stop... I'm... I'm gonna..."

He moaned at the top of his lungs when John simply positioned himself differently, guiding him in further, taking it like a champ with practiced ease when Kaidan arched himself deeper. Knowing he was close, John pulled back, still keeping the head trapped.

Without even as much as flinch, he took his load into his mouth, Kaidan buckling underneath as they separated. His breathing evened out, released from his breathtaking high, John pressing a soft kiss to his now sensitive member before zipping his pants back up for him to make him decent. He moved his hands up to untie the belt, and with a clatter, he threw it aside. Opening dazed eyes, Kaidan rubbed the temporary markings around his wrist, his struggling having burned his skin. John had that stupid grin on his face as he sat between his legs when he looked down, wiping the escaped drops from the corner of his mouth, having swallowed the rest.

Kaidan released a strangled chuckle. "Once again... you don't disappoint."

"Guess my question of, 'Have I ever had your cock in my mouth' was an affirmative, huh?"

"You're... Christ, you're terrible," Kaidan breathed fondly, cupping his neck and pulled him up to his lips. John opened his mouth, allowing him entrance, which he gladly entered. He could taste himself on his tongue.

Their lips parted with a wet sound.

"But you still love me," John replied, lightly nibbling at his lower lip, the cockiness still evident in his tone as he already knew the answer. Kaidan brushed a loving thumb across the area below his eye and smiled at him.

"I always have," he muttered, until his gaze darkened. "Guess it's your turn, huh?"

Smirking, John's glare was predatory "...and risk spilling all over your eye patch? Don't think that's sanitary," he replied, making Kaidan roll his eyes at him. "Your face - no matter how fucking handsome it still is - needs some time to heal from all that trauma. I don't want to strain your muscles any further. Face-fucking is a no-go. I'm going to have to figure somethin' out."

"Hmm... well, I've got a proposition."

"Yeah... and what's tha -?" he began, only to let out a strangled moan as Kaidan slipped a hand down the front of his pants and below his briefs, taking his length in hand. He automatically pressed into his touch as his arm draped around Kaidan's shoulder.

John panted, meeting his stokes. "Okay... okay, yeah... I can get behind that."

His breaths came in short, ragged huffs, in sync with the slight tugging of his warm cock. Kaidan bit into his own lip, focusing on John's breathing as he pressed his forehead to his temple, fighting not to get hard once again as he had little energy for another session he knew he wouldn't be able to say 'no' to. Languidly, he pumped the smooth skin of his hard member, refusing to leave him all hot and bothered - not when he could do something about it - after he had such a fantastic orgasm himself.

"F... fuck. K, I'm... I'm so damn close..."

"Come on," he encouraged, through gritted teeth. John's breathing became more erratic, and feeling the hold around him tightening, he gave him the last stroke that sent him over the edge with a loud moan. He buckled in his arms, his load spilling over Kaidan's hand, the sticky substance allowing easier slide when reaching out from his pants.

John pulled him close. "Fucking Christ, that was... that..." he mumbled, leaning his weary body into his hold. Eyelids drooping. He was so damn beautiful like that. Carefree. Downright perfect. "Shit... now I'm going to have to change again."

Chortling, Kaidan held him, rocking him gingerly.

He needed to change and Kaidan needed to wash up.

Kaidan held up his hand. "Okay, so..."

"That the ring?"

"Uh... Yeah."

"Well, guess it's literal now. 'Your John, always.' You've got my cum on that thing."

Kaidan choked on a laugh, shaking his head. "Always knew you were a romantic," he teased, watching the adorably goofy grin spread on his fiancé's face. God, he was amazing. "C'mon. Let's get ourselves cleaned up."

 _...and hope no one heard us._

It didn't take long to get presentable again, and together, they stepped up to two conjoined seats. Pushing the duffel bag up at the compartment above them, John took his seat, Kaidan soon feeling a hand tug at his shirt as he pulled him down with a smirk.

Kaidan happily played along, and their lips collided in a sloppy kiss, still suffering from exhaustion from their past session.

He shivered as John's fingertips gingerly moved up his temple, trailing the line of his eye patch, playfully tugging at it. There was no doubt. John loved the eye patch, and hell, Kaidan might keep it even after he recovered. For his sake.

Kaidan let his body fall to the seat beside him. "This whole thing brings up the next question of our engagement."

"Oh?

"Do you want to be an 'Alenko' or am I going to be a 'Shepard'?" he asked, smirking.

John blinked. "Shit. I didn't think of that."

"We could simply be keeping our own names, you know. Or we could conjoin them," he clarified, feeling a grin spreading on his face. "What do you say, John Shepard-Alenko?"

"Let me get back to you on that," he murmured, and smiled "...but I kinda like the sound of that one."

Kaidan shrugged. "There's no reason to rush, though. Without the reaper invasion at our doorstep, we've got all the time in the world."

Silence.

"Think we'll actually be able to settle down for once?" John asked.

"After everything we've been through... it'd be cruel not to allow us some of that happiness. We've earned it."

"I really can't see myself going through Wall-Mart scouting the aisles for milk and cornflakes before arguing over prices, though," he murmured, frowning. Kaidan released a chuckle, straight from the heart, and watched as John smiled back at him. Almost offended. "Can you see me doing all that civilian shit? I sure as hell can't."

Kaidan's gaze was far away, smiling. "I can, actually. It's, uh... it's entertaining as hell," he muttered, receiving a light punch in his arm. Kaidan chuckled again until it died down with a fond smile. "I like what I'm seeing, though."

For a moment, he just stared into his baby-blue eyes, full of love.

He was met by enthusiasm when he reduced the distance between them. The kiss was careful and soft and downright perfect. Breaking apart, he tilted his head down, brushing his lips against his jawline. Kaidan hummed softly, and shivered when a hand went into his hair, thumb caressing his scalp. John's mouth ghosted his neck before he placed a simple kiss below his ear. One of his soft points. John remembered. It was fantastic to have him back.

John leant into his grey-shot temple. "I love you, Kaidan Alenko."

"I love you, too," he replied, smiling fondly.

Grunting, John muttered, "All right, this is getting too sappy for me." He pulled away, and Kaidan rolled his eyes skyward at the display, but he was still smiling. "Now where's the damn peanuts?"

 _I'm definitely the luckiest man alive._


	51. Ch 51: Vancouver

**Chapter 51: Vancouver**

* * *

 _"You're even more strapping in real life than on the vids."_ _\- Mrs. Alenko_

* * *

In which John meets Kaidan's mom and Ashlee.

Seeing Kaidan's cheeks flush red would never get old, and when the stewardess gave them a knowing smile as they stepped out, that's exactly what happened. Shepard could do nothing but grin at the display. Turns out they had been louder than intended.

The Alenko residence was big, looking expensive as hell, and Kaidan looked almost embarrassed by it.

There was no denying that his family were of the rich upper class. They owned an orchard, for Christ's sake, and he wouldn't be surprised if they had some sort of vineyard, either. It made him realize just how out of place that he felt in the local. He had grown up on the streets and slept on the floors or worn cloth. It was unfamiliar.

It was first when he stood outside that the anxiety hit him.

Behind this door was Kaidan's mother, and not only that, but his own kid. He found himself fidgeting at the thought. Kaidan was about to take the first step towards the porch, but Shepard grasped his arm firmly, met by a puzzled look as he turned.

"Just... hold up a minute," he muttered, leaning his back to the skycar.

Immediate concern wrapped Kaidan's features.

 _Those damn puppy eyes of his..._

"Everything all right?"

"Yeah. Everything's fine, it's just... this is a lot."

"Hey..." he soothed, walking up to him. "I'm here for you."

He immediately felt safe when a strong arm lay draped around his shoulder, pulling him in, him leaning into the embrace. Shepard wrapped his arms around his waist in need of contact while still leant up against the car.

After a moment of just standing there, tangled up in each other, Kaidan took his face in his hands.

As if it was just as easy as breathing, he accepted the kiss, awarded by the slight parting of lips as he pressed his tongue against and into Kaidan's mouth. Kaidan hummed happily under his breath, stroking his cheeks wish his thumbs, returning the gesture. Shepard pressed up harder, feeling a smile against his lips, before drawing Kaidan's lower lip between his teeth. Gently tugging. Basking in his warmth.

Slipping his hands down Kaidan's back pockets and gingerly squeezing his ass, Kaidan made a 'mhmph' sound, pulling away.

Kaidan chortled, grinning. "Better?"

He mumbled a "yeah," his muscles back in their relaxed state, feeling Kaidan trail his arm down before he intertwined their fingers and tried to pull him along. Shepard just stirred, and with a smirk, he watched the confusion wash over Kaidan's face.

"I get that we're both serious about us, but... wouldn't want to give her a heart attack, yeah?"

Kaidan arched up a brow, but when Shepard's eyes directed at his hand, whiskey-brown hue fell only to widen as they registered the elephant in the room. Separating from his hold, Kaidan brought a hand to the ring finger of his other, pulling the vaguely bronze-colored copper band off before closing his fist around it. With a roll of his eyes, he smiled, pushing it into his back pocket.

"All right, let's go!" Shepard beamed, clapping his hands together.

Moping about it wouldn't help anyone.

When the door pushed open, a smaller woman stood before them, the surprise on her expression quickly dissolving into the warm Vancouver air. He could see some of Kaidan's features in her, obviously with good genetics, being a beautiful lady.

Kaidan stepped forward, embracing her.

"It's good to see you again, Kaidan," she said, her voice thick with emotion as she hugged him tightly. Shifting somewhat awkwardly on his feet, Shepard felt like he was interrupting an intimate moment. A hint of longing churned his abdomen at the affection shown between them.

"Glad to be back, mom," Kaidan replied, and when he pulled away, he gave Shepard a warm smile. "This, uh... this is John Shepard."

Shepard held out a hand, and Mrs. Alenko firmly took it. "It's a pleasure meeting you, ma'am. I've been honored to serve with your son for a long time. It's nice to meet the woman responsible for his upbringing. You must be very proud."

He could've sworn he saw Kaidan fawn at the exchange and had to bite the inside of his cheek for the grin not to reveal itself.

"Oh, I am proud," she replied with a smile, giving her son a friendly wink. "The pleasure is all mine." Moving her hands to Shepard's upper arms, she gave him a thorough look-over. "My, you're even more strapping in real life than on the vids..."

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Mom."

He couldn't help but smile at the warning in his voice.

This was fucking great.

"Please, come in. Both of you. I'll prepare some coffee," she beamed, waving them in. Gestured by Kaidan to go first, he did, and arrived in a hallway after rounding a quaint corner to see the main room. Judging by the size of their house, Shepard had expected a whole museum-like display with sculptures, busts and ancient artifacts, but the place was modest. Mrs. Alenko stepped into the kitchen. "How would you like your coffee, Mr. Shepard?"

"Please, just 'John...' and, uh... nothing fancy. Don't strain yourself for me. Plain coffee is fine."

"Nothing to worry about. We have one of those high-tech coffee machines that manages to register what ingredients needed in a matter of seconds and mix them," she replied, and Shepard blinked, having no idea those existed. "What would you like?"

Kaidan broke in before he could persist.

"Half-and-half, three sugar," he said, grabbing his hand before pulling him towards the couch. "C'mon, John. Don't take it personal. Hell, she doesn't know you're entirely clueless about coffee machines -Heh!"

Taking after his recently punched abdomen, he chuckled as he plopped down into the seat, looking thoroughly pleased with himself.

"You're never going to let that one slide, are you?" Shepard deadpanned.

"Not a chance. It's one of the few damn things you're bad at, including dancing," he replied, tugging him down next to him as he seemed to ignore the dramatic roll of Shepard's eyes. "Hell, I'm never letting it slide."

"What can I say? I'm, uh... an _enigma."_

"Mmh -hey! That's my line."

"No anymore," he replied, winking at him. With a light scoff, Kaidan shook his head. The light mood soon turned more serious as Mrs. Alenko brought up the next topic.

"Ashlee is currently playing at a friend's house, but she'll be back in a couple hours."

One breath at a time.

"What a sweet girl she is, John," she added, carrying a platter with three cups and a can. She held it out to them, and they took one each, offering a muffled thanks before she disappeared into the kitchen again to put the silver down. "You've raised her well. She'll turn out to be quite the upstanding woman, let me tell you."

He gave Kaidan a look, a question of "what did you tell her," but Kaidan just smiled reassuringly.

When Kaidan leant in, Shepard met him halfway. "I just told her she was your daughter. Didn't go into detail. I, uh... I figured you'd want to tell her yourself when the time was right. Or avoid telling her at all. It's your choice."

"Thanks," he replied "...but I don't know what to do here."

"Do what feels right."

Listen to his gut. He could do that. He'd done that his whole life.

Mrs. Alenko came shortly after around the kitchen counter.

"You must be very proud yourself," she added with a smile, and Shepard forced one of his own.

"Actually, I, uh..." he tried, casting a glance Kaidan's way, offering a silent support. Tearing his eyes away from him, he cleared his throat. "I'm sure I would, but... I honestly wouldn't know." Mrs. Alenko's brows shot up, but she allowed him to continue. "I was... in a bad place at the time. Didn't have the most upstanding childhood. I didn't trust myself to take care of her."

So he told her the whole story, avoiding the gritty details, but leaving space for obvious interpretation.

He didn't know why, but for some reason - with Kaidan there - he could open up about his life without much effort. Shepard felt like he owed it to her. He was, after all, engaged to her son. She deserved to know. She simply sat there and listened.

Nevertheless, when he finished, he was anxious again.

Much to his surprise, she simply muttered, "Oh, my... I'm so sorry to hear that, John." He could've sworn he had seen her eyes water. "No child should ever experience such things. You've obviously been through a lot."

"It's all right," he said, in awe of her understanding. Kaidan must've inherited from her. "I mean, it's... the past. I've got that squared away."

She looked like she wanted to say something, but then she gazed at Kaidan, as if she was awaiting his blessing.

"I already told him about BAaT," Kaidan said, hands connecting between his knees as he hunched over. "There's no secrets between the two of us. Not anymore, at least. Guess it's the one of many things we have in common."

Mrs. Alenko chuckled softly. "Well, then I don't have to tell you that Kaidan said the very same thing."

"What he did was to protect a girl he cared for, though," Shepard said, shaking his head. "What I did... I did it to survive. I'm not proud, but back then, I paid little mind to it. It was only after Aaron I had enough. I couldn't hurt a kid."

She smiled again. "The fact that you grew up to realize that proves that you're a good man, John. You endured. You survived."

"It still doesn't justify what I did."

"The best you can do is stand up for and embrace your mistakes, learn from them, and focus on the present. The past is unchangeable but the present isn't. Even if this gang turned against you and forced your hand, you _chose_ to walk away, and this 'Ace' made you a better man. You can't forget that you were only a teenager that knew of no other life." She tipped the cup back to her mouth. "You're a good man. Whoever managed to land you is one lucky human being."

"Yeah, about that..."

He couldn't exactly say, "okay, yeah, I figured you should know that I'm fucking your son," without raising a few eyebrows.

Shepard hesitated. "Your son and I, we, uh... we're -"

"A couple," she finished for him.

Her calmness about the situation took him off guard.

Bewildered, Kaidan blinked, "Wait, what? Who... who told you -?"

"Oh please," she replied, chuckling. "I know when my son is in love. It's a certain glow about you. Happiness doesn't come easy these days, so we need to grasp it when we can, never to let go."

Kaidan looked stunned.

"When?"

She smiled coyly behind her cup. "Judging by how highly you spoke of him, it wasn't difficult to tell. I knew there was something there in your very first message in 83."

"Wait, on the _SR-1?"_ Shepard asked, in need of confirmation.

"Although I knew my son was head-over-heels for you long before he did, I didn't get my confirmation before he emailed me after Sovereign's defeat." Kaidan frowned deeply at that, as Mrs. Alenko put her cup aside and pushed herself up from the chair before moving towards a dresser. "If you'd like, I could present you with that e-mail."

Clearing his throat, Kaidan said, "Look, I -I can't remember sending you anything incriminating."

"We both know you write these while you're half asleep or when your ass is so drunk you don't know half of it," she replied boldly, taking Shepard somewhat aback. Gazing Kaidan's way again, he registered the panic in his whiskey-brown eyes. "Here we are!"

"Wait, wait. Give me that," Kaidan insisted, reaching out. She propped it into his hand.

With an attentive glare, Shepard watched his reaction as he skimmed through the document, seeing his jaw drop.

Kaidan swallowed hard. "I... I sent this? I couldn't've..."

"Wait, what's it say?" he asked, intrigued.

"No, I -I couldn't have sent this," he repeated, unwilling to believe it. His cheeks a new shade of red, knowing he'd messed up. Shepard easily yanked the pad from his unresponsive hands.

It was a really damn long document, too.

Letting his eyes search the words, a smirk spread on his lips, taking it all in.

Shepard cleared his throat. "This, uh... this is very detailed, major," he said, wallowing in amusement. "Don't think you'd get through customs when you carry these kinds of thoughts about your Commanding Officer."

Groaning, Kaidan hid in his hands, only amusing him further.

"That's not fair!" Kaidan exclaimed, the desperation ushering through. "You were drunk after the celebration, and -Christ, you kissed me! The hell was I supposed to do? I pulled away because I didn't want to take advantage of you. I drank a little in hope I'd forget the whole thing - as it was awkward enough already - knowing you were drunk, knowing that whatever just happened was nothing more than an impulse."

Biting into his lip, Shepard tried not to grin.

"Then, in your own drunken state, you contacted your mother for advice. You know, I think you could've asked for advice without mentioning how, 'the curve of my ass gets your head spinning, that you want to fuck me up against the wall, stare into my divine, deep blue eyes and' -"

"I was drunk!" He was cut off before getting to the good part.

Which was a good thing, because hell, Shepard felt himself going hard.

It was some juicy content in there.

"God, I love you," Shepard muttered unconsciously, and the expression before him immediately mellowed. Nevertheless, when he looked up, he cleared his throat again, knowing they weren't alone. The affectionate smile on Mrs. Alenko's face told him she didn't mind.

"You never told me that I launched myself at you in 83," he added, fixating his gaze at Kaidan.

"I -I didn't know what to say. I mean, I didn't exactly pull away at first. Hell, I didn't want to. Just... too caught up in the moment. Guess I was ashamed."

"One thing is for damn sure, and that's that I'll never accept a drink from Garrus again, because I can't remember any of it."

So, she knew about them. That made things easier. Breaking off the news of an engagement wouldn't come as a shock. Kaidan met his eye, and as if he knew what he was thinking, he nodded.

Shepard straightened. "There's one more thing," he tried carefully, and swallowed hard when her attention was entirely on him. He felt like his every breath was being judged, so he didn't breathe, jaw locked tight. Languidly, he rose up from the couch and put that pad back where it came from. "We've been together for a while now, and... your son is my whole world. My sanity. Knowing that, I, uh... I asked him to marry me."

He fearfully watched her reaction as his hand balled into a fist. Trying to keep his hands from shaking. Her eyes went wide, glistening, and he bit into his lower lip. She covered her mouth and looked at her son.

 _Is that a good sign...?_

Kaidan just smiled "...and, I said 'yes'."

She pulled up from the chair, and before Shepard could speak, his eyes went wide when he was reined into the same suffocating hug that Kaidan had earlier received. He didn't know what the hell to do with himself at he had gone entirely limp in her hold, feeling like a flopping fish as his arms lay motionless to his sides, just like when Aria pulled him in for a surprise kiss back on Omega after he helped her retake it.

It was... nice.

He felt really strange. Kinda fuzzy. It surprised him. The ever real embrace he had received had been from a lover, but this was something else entirely, feeling different. Somewhat terrifying.

 _So this is how it's like to have a mother._

Somewhat carefully, he returned the embrace, as if she was a fragile object that would break at any moment. The grip around him did however prove different. He could've sworn she held on longer because she had heard his story. How he grew up without parents, how he knew of no other life than the life among lowlife gangs in downtown New York, how he had to find different ways to provide for himself.

A strange feeling of acceptance ushered through.

When they pulled away, he cleared his throat. "So, uh... I guess you'll have both a son-in-law and granddaughter anytime soon."

He immediately cringed at his choice of words, but she just laughed, shaking her head in amusement.

"Sweetie, never let this man go," she told Kaidan, tears yet apparent in her eyes.

He smiled back at her. "I don't plan to."

"Well, I certainly -" Shepard began, but then his body went rigid as something went up for him. "Shit!" He cut himself off before shooting an apologetic glance Mrs. Alenko's way at his slipped curse. She looked nothing but curious, the same curiosity looming in Kaidan's features as well. "I need to speak with Admiral Hackett."

"Hackett?" Kaidan echoed, capturing his arm after Shepard rose from his seat - stopping him from going any further - holding onto his wrist. "John, just -just slow down, okay. Hey, what's going on?"

"The Catalyst."

Kaidan's eyes went wide. "Wait, you... you remember?"

"I... yeah. Javik gave me the Echo Shard before we launched the final push. That's how I remembered you."

"Echo Shard?" Mrs. Alenko echoed.

"It's, uh... it's a prothean artifact that can store memories," Kaidan clarified, before turning back with a dangerously focused expression. He pulled Shepard back down into the couch with him. "Okay, tell me everything that happened. Everything you can remember after being hit by the beam. We can't afford you losing any of the details before we can reach the Admiral." Shepard nodded in understanding, tightly closing his eyes, trying to remember everything.

"Okay, I... After that laser hit me, I remember heading towards the beam that transported me to a room with... bodies. I had ended up exactly where the reapers had harvested these organics. I had a pounding headache, hearing... whispers. Anderson contacted me via comm-link, but I later found him standing by a console in the Citadel. Then the Illusive Man arrived. He was... he looked like a wandering husk. Like he was on the verge of becoming just like Saren with Sovereign's modifications. He had blue - very blue - eyes. I felt this... this chill in my body. It was like I was fighting... something. Like a virus. I couldn't control my actions."

Shepard fell into a pause. "The reapers, or -or the Illusive Man, or... something, made me pull a gun on Anderson."

"I'll give you two some space," Mrs. Alenko whispered, realizing the situation. "I'll be upstairs."

When she left, Shepard's hand tightened into a fist, eyes tightly closed. Not before long, he felt the sensation of a hand cupping his own. Kaidan gently squeezed it for comfort. He felt his tensed muscles slightly slacking.

"I resisted," he continued. "Or I thought I did, but... no. I heard the gunshot. I spoke with the Illusive Man. He tried to convince me that the only way to save humanity was to control the reapers. I managed to change his view on the situation, made him realize he was being controlled by them, and... it was Saren all over again. He put a gun to his head." His throat went dry as he continued. "I remember sharing the view from the Citadel with Anderson, both barely holding on. He told me that we had done it, how he felt like it had been ages since he just sat down, how he was proud of me, and... that's it."

Kaidan twined their fingers together and his fist unclenched.

"Then... you heard Hackett," he finished for him, gingerly brushing a thumb against his knuckles.

"I passed out after that. But that's... No, that's not all," he said, expression hardening as he recalled the events. "A holographic interface approached me when I woke up again. It was the kid I saw back on Earth." Kaidan frowned deeply. "He had been the one controlling the reapers. _He_ was the Catalyst. Seemed like some sort of a 'god child.' He gave me three options. Three options to end the harvest."

He fell into a pause, trying to recall what it was. "It was... I had the choice to combine organics with synthetics to create a new DNA, control the reapers or destroy them entirely, taking all synthetics with them."

"EDI. She, uh... they told me she short-circuited shortly after the _Normandy_ was hit by some pulse," Kaidan said.

"Then... it worked. Hell, did I make the right choice?"

For a long moment, Kaidan seemed to think the options over, his eyes far away.

Eventually, he said, "Yeah... I -I think you did."

Silence.

"You don't believe me."

Kaidan sighed, giving him an apologetic look. "I'm -I'm sorry, John. I believe that you believe, but... this doesn't make any sense. I mean, a 'god child'?" he asked, and Shepard scoffed. Before he could leave, Kaidan grasped his arm, keeping him there. "Hey, you hit your head pretty hard down there, and the memories could be scurried -"

"I know what I saw!" he snapped, but immediately regretted it. "Shit, I'm sorry -I didn't mean to..."

"John. Stop. It's fine." Escalating his hand, it went into Shepard's hair, and he melted into the touch with an exhale. He was so damn understanding. Forgiving. "Either way, we need to contact Hackett with what we know."

Without a second thought, Shepard found the admiral's voice-link on his omni-tool.

 _"Shepard,"_ he said, seeming somewhat taken aback. _"Didn't expect to hear from you so soon."_

"I've got information about the Catalyst."

Hackett blinked. _"Well, damn. That's good news. Shoot. I'm listening."_

* * *

"You're retiring?" Kaidan asked, unable to process it. It had come up during the conversation with Hackett.

"Yup."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that," he echoed, shrugging. "I... thought you wouldn't mind. I'm sorry. As a couple, we probably should've discussed it first -"

"I don't mind at all. You're your own man, John," he replied, having to make that entirely clear. "I just... it's unexpected, that's all. It's hard picturing you as anything but a soldier after... well, after everything."

John shook his head. "Kaidan, I have us both set for life. I know you, and I know you want to continue doing this, 'integrity' and 'doing the right thing' and all that jazz," he replied, waving a hand, earning him a snort "...but the offer's there if you want to quit." Kaidan gave him a fond smile. "Anderson -David... he left me with everything he had, recited me as his 'adoptive son' in the documents, made sure I inherited his belongings. This happened only days after I enlisted at 17. I didn't know until an hour ago."

He put a hand on John's thigh, gently squeezing it, a gesture which he seemed to appreciate.

"Hell, I can't say I'm particularly fond of the idea of spending a lot of time at home," John added, cringing as he propped his arm to the backrest. "It's going to make me crazy. Wherever we end up, I guess I'll just get some training equipment installed. Keep myself busy. Make some phone calls or do some research to help you out if needed. While you're out there playing politician, I'll make sure to handle things back here."

John's voice took a teasing tone. "I promise, K. I'll be a good stay-at-home wifey," he said, but the joke was killed when he languidly spread his knees. Eyes falling down to his bulge, Kaidan swallowed hard, looking up again to see that John's look had darkened.

"...with a surprise each time you get home."

"Mmh. Does it involve belts and dirty talk?" he asked, voice husky.

"Told you it'd be a surprise."

He had to fight the urge of tackling him down into the couch.

"I'm going to miss the hell out of you when I'm out in the traverse," Kaidan breathed. Before him, John's expression fell, a pain seeping up his chest at the sudden hurt in his eyes.

"You're not taking the Council seat?" he asked after a moment, his voice small.

"I'm... Politics was never my thing, John," he said, carefully. "I want to be out in the field like I've always been. Especially now, when they've got one less Spectre on a leash. I don't... I don't see a reason to why you wouldn't be okay with -"

"No. No, I'm okay with it. It's your choice."

"I... okay."

John gave him a lackluster smile. "You're certainly qualified to get the job done. Commanding the _Normandy_ while I was absent? I mean, that's... pretty hot."

He ducked his head and chortled, shaking his head, but the mood grimed when he looked back up.

"John, if you're not okay with this -"

"I am."

Kaidan fell into a pause. "Okay," he replied simply, not wanting to push further. Something was obviously bothering him, but if John didn't want to talk, he would always respect that. Still, he couldn't help but feel somewhat hurt that he'd rather lie than tell him what was wrong.

Hearing his mom step down from the stairs, he briefly looked over, seeing her carrying a basket of laundry.

"Don't overthink this," John said.

"I'm not –I'm not overthinking."

"Yes, K. You are. Please, just... let it go. It's fine."

"John, if there's something wrong -"

He was interrupted by the sound of his mom clearing her throat. Kaidan's eyes fluttered shut, sighing, having noticed how they had been too deep in their conversation to register her presence. Nevertheless, when he opened them again, John was unresponsive. Looking straight past Kaidan above his shoulder, John's body had gone rigid, wide-eyed staring out in the distance as if he was no longer there.

Kaidan frowned, but when he turned, he immediately understood his abrupt silence.

Ashlee.

She was smiling from ear-to-ear, but when she saw John, her eyes went twice their size as she - with a small gasp - hid behind his mom's leg. When he turned back to John, his heart broke, seeing the entirety of the downright shattered look on his face.

John knew she was scared of him.

That look of pure sorrow told him more than he bargained for.

"John -" he tried softly, but his fiancé jerked back from him when he took a step forward. Before he could recollect his thoughts, John pushed past him, heading somewhere he didn't know. "John!"

* * *

 **A/N:** 3 more chapters to go, and I'm going to wrap this monster of a story up.


	52. Ch 52: Distance

**Chapter 52: Distance**

* * *

" _Forget it." - John Shepard_

In which John starts distancing himself from Kaidan for reasons unknown (so far.)

* * *

 **A/N, *TRIGGER WARNING*:** NSFW! Smut. There's never enough smut. Smut, fluff and angst. What more can you ask for? BTW, my head canon is that Kaidan is a damn beast in the bedroom when in charge. I had that in mind when writing this.

That aside, I'm so sorry for the brief delay. I had my last exam yesterday, so I needed to prioritize. I'm back now :)

* * *

After about thirty minutes, Kaidan decided to check up on John, finding him at the porch while gazing out over English Bay.

It was such a harmonious picture, free from all conflict and war, ignorant to the strain between John's shoulder blades as his arms lay draped atop the round metal surfacing the glass banister. The sundown on the horizon cast a soft silhouette over his sturdy form - palettes of yellow, red and orange coloring the sky - only an inch of the burning star hidden behind the now shadowed skyscrapers.

The air was warm, a subtle breeze grazing his skin, sending a brief chill down his body.

It was quiet.

Only the distant chatter in downtown Vancouver echoed the silence.

"Hey... there you are," Kaidan said, slipping up beside his fiancé with a beer in hand. Bumping his shoulder, he noted the small raise of John's brow. "You know, this was the first spot I thought to look for you."

"How so?" John asked, accepting the bottle held out to him.

"When I was a kid, I usually went up here myself when I was upset about something. After what happened back at BAaT, this was where my dad found me. Guess it's soothing somehow. Probably the view looking out on all these people in their everyday lives. Gets you thinking."

"Damn, you really are a sap," John teased, twining their fingers together.

Kaidan squeezed his hand. "You bring out the worst in me."

"Oh, good. One of the first stages in an engagement. Jumping each other's throats."

"Well, if you insist..." Kaidan purred, smirking.

"You're becoming worse than me." John shook his head, a small quirk of his lips as he sipped the beer.

"Like Ace once told me... that's impossible."

"Ah. I see how it is. You guys ganging up on me now?" he asked, tone playful. "Hell, I don't have to worry about the two of you running off into the sunset together and leaving me behind, do I?"

"Well, he _is_ attractive..." The shock on John's face had him chuckle. "Relax, John."

"Not funny, K."

"Wait, are you... jealous?" Kaidan nudged his shoulder again, eyes dancing with amusement.

"You know I am," he murmured, and Kaidan found himself unable to hold back the grin. "Hell, I wouldn't be surprised. You guys have been hanging out a fuckton the past couple months. Worked together, had each other's backs, been on the same ship... probably showered together, too. Not only that, but you're so damn similar it's crazy."

"Yeah, well... I've only got eyes for you. You know that."

John grunted. "You better," he replied, but seemed to relax again when Kaidan leant in, burying his nose in the lock of hair by his temple. He could smell his own shampoo. Hands still latched together.

"You're pouting." Kaidan smirked, observant.

"I'm not pouting."

"You definitely are," he replied, taking John's offer as he passed the beer over.

His prominent jealousy was adorable as all hell. Kaidan remembered that when they accompanied Brooks back when searching for Khan in that casino, an asari had eyed him up, resulting in John pulling him in like a lion mother protecting her cub. He couldn't say that he minded it. Jealousy - when not going too far - is important in a relationship. If you aren't jealous, then hell, you don't really love that person.

After taking a sip, Kaidan asked, "Ready to talk about what happened?"

John fell into a pause.

"Fight-or-flight. I panicked. Hell, I never do that."

"It's new. Unfamiliar. You didn't even remember having a kid until last night, and that... that's a lot to digest."

Silence.

"I'm fucking terrified."

Kaidan sighed, gave the beer back and stepped up behind him. He snuck his arms around his waist, pressing a chaste kiss to his bare shoulder, just by the rim of his dark tank top. He'd discarded his white shirt. Muscles hesitantly relaxed into his hold.

"I know," he muttered into his neck, mouth lightly pressed to it. "You started off on the wrong foot, but hell, it's not too late." John turned in his arms, so he propped his hands to the banister on each side of his body, whiskey-brown colliding with icy-blue. Leaning in, Kaidan closed his eyes and gingerly claimed his lips, returned just as softly.

John hummed. "You're one hell of a Romeo, you know that?"

"Mmh... 'Sin from thy lips, John Shepard? O trespass sweetly urged. Give me my sin again'."

"Wait, you read Romeo and Juliet?" he asked, amused.

Kaidan pulled back. "You're telling me you haven't? Oh my god, John! It's a classic. How can you not have?"

"Oh, I don't know... maybe because I find myself frowning at every second fucking word."

"It's art, John."

John chuckled, warm and open. "Christ, K. You really are a sap," he said, appearing amused at the faked pout on Kaidan's face, lips unwillingly twitching upwards. He watched as John's eyes fell to his mouth. His fiancé bit into his lower lip, and Kaidan swallowed thickly, seeing the lust in his eyes. "What do you say we continue this discussion inside?"

"Thought you had a thing for semi-public sex," Kaidan teased, gesturing to the busy streets below.

"Yeah, but I also value my damn life. It's a long way down." John took him by the wrist, trailing his arm down to intertwine their fingers. Kaidan was tempted to roll his eyes with a triumphant smile as he was pulled along.

"Guess we'd better pack out first, eh?"

Stepping downstairs, he saw his mom comfortably sitting in the couch with a magazine in hand, a cup of coffee in the other. Steam emerged from the warm substance. Her bare feet were pulled up into the couch cushions. It was late, so she had probably taken Ashlee to bed, getting some peace and quiet. The girl had arrived home late, so it was only minutes until her curfew, and they had spent a good fifteen minutes up on that porch.

She looked up, eyes going wide. "John, is everything all right?" she asked, concern in her voice as she lowered her reading material.

"Yeah, I'm good," he replied, rubbing the back of his neck. "That doesn't usually happen."

She smiled somewhat pained. "It is a lot to take in."

"Right."

Putting down the magazine, she said, "You boys hungry? Ashlee already ate at her friend's house, but I could conjure something up."

"Relax, mom," Kaidan said. "Remember that you've got that meeting in the early hours. You should get some sleep as well. Let me take care of my fiancé from here." He winked at John, who rolled his eyes at him with a small quirk of his lips.

She smirked suspiciously, but then sighed. "All right, you've convinced me. Ashlee's probably asleep by now. Don't stay up too late."

"Yes, ma'am," he replied, and she made her way upstairs with the coffee in hand. "Any specific wishes?" He made his way to the kitchen, John shortly on his heel before he himself rounded the kitchen isle and flipped on the fan. John plopped into the bar stool at the other end as he approached the fridge, pulling the door open, realizing that his mom had bought a lot of groceries for their arrival.

Kaidan hesitated. "Uh. Yeah. According to this, I could make literally whatever you want."

"Even steak?"

"Yeah. Even steak. She even bought hot sauce."

"I love your mom."

Snorting, Kaidan shook his head. "Hell, I probably mentioned your love for hot sauce in one of my e-mails," he said, pushing up the conjoined freezer by the top level of the fridge and grabbing what was needed. He threw it onto the table.

"Need any help?"

"I got it," he replied, leaning over the counter to press a kiss to his lips.

John blinked. "You don't trust my cooking?"

"That's not it. I trust your cooking. It's great," he replied, pulling up a drawer and fishing up a knife. With his hip, he pushed it back into place, watching the surveying of blue hue traversing his whole body from his collarbone and down. Kaidan smirked, figuring he'd put up a show. It seemed to be working. "Let me take care of you."

"I could find other ways for you to 'take care of' me... which definitely involves belts and dirty talk."

Kaidan laughed. "Ouch! Again, I walked right into that one. You're devious."

"I'm Commander Shepard, aren't I?" he asked in an unfazed undertone, pushing up from the bar stool.

Kaidan arched a curious brow at him, following him with his eyes as he rounded the isle. A smile broke out on his features when John snaked an arm around his waist, pushing his body between Kaidan and the counter, balling his hands around the front of his shirt and pulling him in for another tender kiss. His whole body went warm as John's full lips collided with his, slanting his head slightly when he sought entrance, humming softly as he took John's tongue in his mouth.

Now this was officially his favorite cooking position.

One of the many things that came to surprise him about John when they got together, it was that the legendary commander was a cuddler, and a determined one at that. He'd literally snake his arms around him at the most inconvenient of times, nuzzling into his neck, grunting disapprovingly if he tried to pull away. It was his way of dealing with being upset if Kaidan was present. He turned to the bottle otherwise.

Kaidan was glad that the method in his presence was far healthier.

"How come you always distract me when I try to cook for you? It's a really bad idea. I burned the garlic last time," Kaidan said, half-amused and half-exasperated as his neck was being playfully nipped at.

He felt his ass cupped firmly, having him release a strange sound he'd never heard from himself before, unwillingly arching up into his hold. John grunted softly, escalating his hands, tentative fingertips slipping up the edge of his shirt - having Kaidan's muscles tense up considerably - before hooking himself around his waist.

John pressed into him, body warm and hard against his, no plans of letting go. Kaidan felt his five o'clock shadow scrape lightly against his cheek, leaning into it, being so 'John.' He'd never shave entirely, that's for damn sure, and he was okay with that. He loved the sensation. The grip softened around him, and he already knew that John wasn't doing this for him, but for himself. Kaidan happily just held him because he knew that was exactly what he needed right now. It was something pure about John's sudden lack of confidence, used to being the tip of the spear, an unyielding commander. He was an unstoppable juggernaut on the battlefield, but when it came to matters of the heart, he was just a scared and tortured soul. His nervousness around his own daughter was human. Raw.

"She'll come around," Kaidan soothed, and he was pulled closer.

He loved him all the more.

* * *

Becoming domestic after knowing little else but being a soldier was a drastic change, but Kaidan had to admit, it was a welcomed one. Just the thought of settling down with John was enough to make him all fuzzy inside.

He never thought he'd have this.

He had to bite the inside of his cheek not to shake his head in amusement as he found out that his mom had managed to sneak in some marriage preparation sites in a couple desktop folders. She was persistent, he'd give her that, although he and John had already decided that it would be nothing fancy. Just a meetup of friends after the ceremony with a couple beers and bad jokes.

God bless her, though.

They had started browsing the extranet for an apartment of their own, deciding to stay in Vancouver, being John's wish. It helped that it was Kaidan's wish as well. The two were compatible in every way. It was one of the first steps into doing this civilian thing. Then again, Kaidan was still planning to continue in the Alliance, so he had some familiarity.

Kaidan ascended his eyes, taking in the profile of his soon-to-be husband, propped up into the same corner sofa with the tip of a marker in his mouth. Nose deep in a pad himself. He tried to stay away from the cigarettes, being used to them again, and that was his solution.

Traversing his eyes down, he took in every detail, every shape and form.

He couldn't believe John Shepard was finally his.

"You done undressing me with your eyes, or should I help out?" came a dark voice, taking him off guard. Kaidan felt his cheeks flush, tearing his eyes away with a chuckle, letting them fall to the floor.

Kaidan shook his head. "Sorry, you're just... wow."

John met his eye, giving him a playful wink, his ego having increased tenfold.

"By the way," John began, straightening as he took the marker out of his mouth and threw it onto the table. "Think you can forward this to me? I'll want to read the whole thing sometime when you're away." Curious, Kaidan blinked, unable to make much sense of that.

"When... I'm away? I don't see why you can't do that now. I take it you found a place you liked among the links I sent you."

"Not exactly..." Feeling his hand grasped, Kaidan arched a brow, body going rigid when he was guided to between John's legs. Immediate realization befell his features when he cupped his erection through the fabric. His mouth fell somewhat open as his cheeks went warm. Kaidan clenched his jaw, and with ambiguous eyes, he peeked up.

John was talking about that e-mail he had sent his mom.

That's what he was reading.

Explained a lot.

"Oh... for _that..."_ he said strangled, and cleared his throat. "We, uh... we really shouldn't do this now."

"What was that about 'shoving something in there' to shut me up? I'm hurt. Don't say stuff like that unless you plan to prove it, major. I mean, hell, this is some good erotica." He leant in, tapping at a paragraph. "I especially like this one..."

Clearing his throat, John added, "I quote... 'not a single day went by after that night he kissed me where I didn't imagine throwing his unbelievably perfect body into that damn control panel I was always tinkering with, have my way with him, completely at my mercy as I spread him out before me and jammed my cock up his ass. Hearing his commanding, dark voice reduced to pleasurable moans and whimpers as I worshipped his body with lips and touches, grinning profoundly the next day when the crew passed by the mess knowing that only he and I knew what went on there'."

His cheeks flushed knowing he'd sent that to his mom.

His damn mom.

Imagining John in that position now, Kaidan knew he'd already lost, his cock twitching against the fabric of his civvies.

"Oh, for Christ's sake..." he breathed while pumped with arousal, his hand having a mind of its own as he gently squeezed John's cock, being rewarded with a soft moan that went straight down as he arched into his touch. It wasn't long before he had John pinned underneath him to the couch, teeth at the zipper of his equipped hoodie, pulling it down. Over the rim of John's pants, he pressed a hard kiss, hearing him squirm.

"Let's change things up a little," Kaidan purred against the light hairs on his abdomen, wanting to hear more of those sounds from his fiancé. Grasping John's shirt, he stood, pulling him onto his feet as well.

"I'm all ears."

"Your resignation ceremony hasn't happened yet, so hey, it's not official. You're still a soldier."

"Yeah?"

Kaidan smirked "...and I'm still your superior."

"Hell, I like where this is going. I was never big on following orders, but... I'll make an exception. Just for you. An exclusive," he murmured, voice thick with lust while the mischievous smirk on his lips had his head to cartwheels. Kaidan had to compose himself. He tightened his grip around John's shirt, backing himself towards the bed while dragging him along. Plopping down into the bed, he let go of him, leaning back on his forearms.

"All right. First order... no touching. Think you can handle that, Shepard?" he asked, spreading his legs. He watched as blue eyes fell down, John's jaw somewhat dropping, before meeting his eyes again with a nearly predatory gaze.

Kaidan smirked "...because I will give no quarter."

"Give it your best shot, Alenko," he said with confidence, much to his pleasure. "I'm at your disposal, sir."

 _You sure are._

"Mmh. Good. Now... strip," he deadpanned. With a grin, John reached for the edge of his tank top, following the slow speed of Kaidan's hand as he gestured the movement before throwing the cloth aside. He'd fully regained that muscle mass he lost while in a coma, and hell, Kaidan worshipped his familiar form. Parting his arms, John made a 'come at me' gesture, and he had to restrain himself from grasping him by the belt and tugging him in. Kaidan sat up, propping arms to his thighs to get a closer view, studying the defined contour of his abs. His eyes traversed down until cloth blocked him from what he wanted to see.

Kaidan pointed at his jeans. "Off," he ordered, and John obeyed. It only left him in his briefs, and Kaidan met his eye. "Those, too."

Without shame, John stripped down entirely, Kaidan's breath getting stuck in his throat as the last piece of cloth joined the recent pile on the floor. He was presented with his naked form as well as a cock semi-hard and ready for him. Kaidan pulled up from the bed, approaching him, John arching a cocky brow as his body was circled. He took in every inch of his body, every detail, ending up behind him.

Kaidan grasped his hips, yanking him in, forcing John's ass to pillow his clothed arousal.

"I love it when you're rough," John said, strangled. He hummed softly when Kaidan pressed lips to his neck, slanting his head, offering him the whole length of it. He sucked the warm skin into his mouth, another muffled sound escaping John's lips, Kaidan making sure to leave his mark. Let everyone know that John Shepard was his and his alone.

His hands moved lower, finding the start of John's V, index fingers trailing the shape all the way down while avoiding his length. He heard John's deep intake of breath, but when calloused hands cupped his, Kaidan made a disapproving sound reminding him of his first order.

No touching.

Grunting, John accepted the grasp of his biceps and removal of hands as Kaidan trailed his own down, capturing his wrists and escalating his arms. He moved John's hands to the back of his own head, watching fingers digging into his three-inch long hair, trying to say in position. Trailing fingertips down back to John's hips, his fiancé twitched again, his ghosting touch having reached his soft spot.

It never failed to amuse him that John was, and would always be, ticklish.

"You're so damn beautiful like this," he murmured against his shoulder blade, pressing a kiss to the warm skin. "Completely carefree. Relaxed, mostly. Vulnerable and at my mercy." Kaidan smirked "...and it's one hell of a view."

John pushed into his chest. "I'm all yours, K."

"Whoa, hey. I'm trying to seduce you here. Don't go all sweet on me," he teased, registering the twitch of John's lips.

"Then get on with it, 'cause it's getting kinda chilly."

Smirking, Kaidan said, "Liar."

John grunted again, aware he was busted trying to speed up the process, but Kaidan saw through it.

Trapping his hip, he gently spun John around to face him, him willingly following his movement. Kaidan splayed a hand on his chest, starting to back him towards the bed, John's hands still behind his head as he grinned at him.

"Down," he ordered again, another command obeyed.

Kaidan gave him a long look, seeing him splayed out before him, licking his lips.

He was so damn perfect.

Guiding his own hands to shirt, he pulled it off over his head, continuing his torture. John watched his every movement closely, blue eyes dark, lips slightly parted. Throwing himself onto the bed, Kaidan hovered over him, hands propped to the sheets on each side of his head.

He began kissing down his chest, with a hint of tongue, John moaning softly underneath him.

When he reached his throbbing member, he simply brushed his lips against his shaft before moving up again, John's whine arousing him further as nails had dug into the pillow. He had nearly broken him already. This was going to be easy. Way easier than he thought.

Kaidan captured his mouth again, forcing his tongue between the parted lips, connecting with John's.

Feeling his ass grasped, he made a displeased sound in the back of his throat, grasping John's wrists and pinning his hands above his head with one hand. John grinned from ear-to-ear, despite his swollen lips, his breathing heavy. Eyes dazed.

"Hey. No touching, Commander," Kaidan warned, voice low and firm. "I'll have to file charges if you continue like this."

"Guess you'll have to punish me..." he murmured, and a slow smirk spread on Kaidan's lips. He flared up his biotics. The blue aura covering his form. Nevertheless, when Kaidan centered a stasis field on the area of his wrists only, the cocky smile on his fiancé's face gradually faltered. John looked up at his hands, attempted to pry himself lose, to no avail. Pushing himself up, Kaidan straddled his hips with his thighs.

John grunted. "This is not what I mean by punishm -K, no. Don't you fucking dare."

The alarm on his face only amused Kaidan further, who had languidly slipped his hand down the front of his pants, making sure John had one hell of a view as he bit into his lip and took himself in hand. John's breathing quickened, tightly closing his blue eyes, but Kaidan wasn't having any of that.

"Oh no. Not a chance. You're watching." Kaidan forcefully grasped his head, holding him in place, thumb pressed against his lips. "Open your eyes. That's an order, soldier. No bearing on this." He watched him tightly press his eyes together until slowly prying them open again. John swallowed hard, and knowing he had his full attention, he began to stroke himself. Another strangled moan slipped from John's mouth.

Kaidan smirked. "Enjoying the show, Shepard?"

"Fuck, K... stop... please... This isn't fucking fair."

"You giving up?" he teased.

"Yes! Fucking... yes. I need -I need to touch you, dammit. Just... just let me touch you."

"Shepard. I'm disappointed in you," he muttered, faking his disapproval. "You're already squirming, and I'm not even inside you yet." John moaned again, a small whimper in his tone, arching up his hips. His bulge pressed against Kaidan's, and his breath hitched at the movement, wallowing in amusement at his pleading fiancé. Vulnerable and frustrated. Kaidan withdrew his hand.

John's hands were balled into fists. "Please, K... just fuck me... I need you. You win, okay? You fucking win."

"Thought so." Pleased with himself, Kaidan let the stasis run out without adding a new field. Once loose, John launched himself at him, arms thrown around his neck as his back was cushioned to the bed with a soft groan.

He was quickly silenced by John's lips upon his, and wrapped arms around his waist, humming happily under his breath.

The situation quickly heated up again, and in but a moment, his clothes were ripped off. Revering in the warmth of John's naked body against his own, moaning softly as his cock pressed against his thigh, being in pure bliss. He dug his fingers into John's back who rubbed up against him for friction, wanting to feel his whole form, flushed skin against his as desperation filled their kisses of passion.

John's tongue was hot and wet, exploring his mouth, sucking and biting lightly at his. Moaning into it. Digging fingers into his dark brown hair, he pulled him deeper, catching John's lower lip between his teeth before reclaiming his mouth.

At some point, John had fished out the lube, Kaidan coating his fingers with it.

Another moan echoed when he pressed two digits into John's tight entrance, feeling him shuddering around his fingers, John sucking in a breath through clenched teeth when a third carefully joined. John shifted and reclaimed his lips, his movement pressing them in further, yet another moan escaping his parted lips. It briefly broke the connection of lips, brows knit in pure pleasure, but he moved back in. Kaidan slanted his head, a determined mouth moving in to press sweet kisses against his lover's stubble.

"Ready for me to add another?" Kaidan asked, voice husky.

"Mmh..." he uttered strangled, shifting to delve him deeper. "C'mon, K... you're big, but not that big."

"Oh, wow. Shepard. My pride is officially wounded."

"Any bigger, and it'd probably kill me -" John let out a soft moan as Kaidan was dangerously close to his g-spot, grunting in dismay when the digits were removed. "Christ..." he hissed, voice just a breath. "Orders, major?"

"I want you to ride me, John," he murmured into his neck, scraping short nails up his lower back.

Chortling, John said, "Aye, aye, sir." Lifting up slightly, he positioned himself, before slowly impaling himself on Kaidan's throbbing cock. They moaned softly in unison, his prepared entrance penetrated with little effort, the feeling of being inside him divine as always. John's hands went into Kaidan's dark hair, pressing their foreheads together, biting into his lower lip.

Kaidan's breath hitched. "My god, John..."

"Yeah... yeah," he muttered, before beginning to move languidly. John felt so damn good, and he hoped it wouldn't be their last time, knowing that a few repercussions had to be made from here on out.

Taking John's length in hand, he began to stroke him with his movements, soft sounds emerging as he brushed a tentative thumb against the tip. Kaidan tried to help him as well as he could, moving alongside him, although his options were limited. John opened dazed blue eyes as he moved, mouth somewhat agape, dilated pupils nearly making the entirety of his irises black with lust.

Kaidan leant in, claiming his lips with his own, using his free hand to spread him further. With a moan, John slowly sank all the way to his hilt, Kaidan's grip around his length still firm. Pressing lightly at the tip of the head.

A weak layer of sweat draped them both, its musky scent and slick substance, sharing the heat that John sought in Vancouver.

"I'm close," Kaidan muttered against his lips, practiced hands still stroking. He felt him shuddering as his biotics began to flare up. Moaning softly, John picked up the pace, the sensation of Kaidan's biotics having reached the member inside of him.

One more stroke, one last moan, and John was gone.

"Kaidan..." he whispered as he came, grip tightening around him as his anticipated release soaked Kaidan's hand.

No more than his name was needed to send him over the edge, thrown into the indescribable high, eyes closing shut with a moan to accept the brief moment of pure bliss. His muscles clenched, but as the high faded, the weariness overcame him. He sighed into John's neck, hand moving into his hair, giving his temple one last kiss before John had him pulled out. Kaidan let his heavy body fall into the bed, and John flopped onto his back beside him, the only sound present being their equal heavy breathing. His eyes were yet shut, feeling like he hadn't slept in ages, John himself looking ready to pass out any minute.

"Damn, Alenko," he breathed, a chuckle in his tone. "Didn't think you had it in you. I'm impressed."

Smirking, Kaidan said, "I was, uh... pretty spectacular... am I right?"

"Hell... yeah," he murmured, and the two shared a small laugh. Kaidan was just so damn happy. Sex was one thing, but hell, he didn't need sex to feel as light as he did in that very moment. It did however help somewhat.

John's presence was more than enough.

* * *

Kaidan woke up the next day by the sound of a beeping omni-tool. The first thing he noticed was how stiff he felt, but when his mind fell back to last night, he couldn't help but smile. Stifling a yawn with his palm, he cast a glance to the peaceful figure besides him, carefully unhooking his arm from below John's head. Separated, he pressed a kiss to his shoulder, before tipping over to grasp the disturbance.

Pulling his feet down to the floor, the sheet covering his private parts, he flipped up the display. At his movement, he felt John stir behind him, knowing he was waking up.

It was still early. 0518.

"Hey..." John murmured, voice sleep-deprived as he rubbed his eyes. "What's going on?"

"It's Hackett."

"Wh -wait, Hackett?" he asked, blinking owlishly. "What for?"

"He needs me for another mission. Says it's important. By the looks of it, it's kinda long-lasting," he replied, casting a glance over his shoulder to see the fall in his fiancé's features, making him look... hurt. Seeing John like that always inflicted a phantom pain upon him. Wounding a part of his body that was never there. That look alone was enough to make him wish he could take all his pain away. Kaidan's look had mellowed. "Hey, you okay?" he asked, reaching out to grasp his chin. Nevertheless, his wrist was captured and hand moved away, pinned by an unwavering glare.

"Why the hell wouldn't I be?" he asked, frowning deeply. "It's not like I'm curled up in a damn corner."

He blinked. "I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. You just... you seem on-edge." John's sharp tone had taken him aback, as if a mental stab had just struck an artery, a nauseating feeling pumping in his veins.

"John, if this is about being alone with Ashlee -" he tried, but John just shook his head. "Then what -?"

"Forget it," John muttered, yanking the sheet aside before heading for the restroom. Kaidan just sat there, bewildered.

He wasn't lying. It wasn't about Ashlee. It was something else.

 _What set this off?_

* * *

 **A/N:** Two more chapters to go!


	53. Ch 53: Connection

**Chapter 53: Connection**

* * *

 _"What can I do to make your day better?" - Kaidan Alenko_

In which Kaidan forces John to bond with his daughter.

* * *

 **A/N, *TRIGGER WARNING*:** Depictions of PTSD.

* * *

"What can I do to make your day better?"

It was the first thing Kaidan spoke after they had settled down by the kitchen table to eat, taking Shepard by surprise as he stopped mid-chew and peeked up from his plate. Kaidan looked nervous. Fidgety. Lightly biting into his lower lip while showing those puppy-eyes of his.

"What?" Shepard asked.

"What can I do... to make your day better?" he repeated, looking at him intently. "Tell me what and I'll do it."

Shepard fixated him with an unwavering glare, but he didn't budge, making him realize that he was being entirely serious. He had no idea where he was going with this. Better just play along. He sighed, propping the last piece of chicken into his mouth, launching his fork back to the plate.

Throwing up his arms, Shepard said, "I don't know. Clean the dishes?"

Without a second thought, Kaidan pulled up from his seat, grabbing his empty plate to place it atop of his own and heading for the kitchen. Shepard parted his arms, a small sound of protest escaping his mouth, bewildered looking at him. He hadn't expected him to listen.

No complaints. No hesitation. Nada.

 _Is this a test?_

Shepard blinked. "Kaidan, I was joking. What are you trying to -?"

He froze when tiny footstep padded into the living room. Shepard swallowed hard and hesitantly redirected his gaze to see his daughter, dull blue eyes as she rubbed one with her shirt sleeve, yawning lazily. Normal kids would be carrying a teddy bear or something, but no, what hung dangling from her other hand was the _SR-1_ model ship. Stubbing into the floor. Her height was just two times the size of it.

She was just so... _small._

"Hey, Ash," came Kaidan's voice, breaking him from his trance.

The softness in his tone had Shepard melting.

Along with it, the same pang of guilt struck him, hearing that name. Ash. Good god he missed her.

Ashley Williams was a headstrong woman. Quirky. Playful. Beautiful. One hell of a shot with her chin raised high and a soldier to the core. Determined to clear her family's name, to serve the galaxy, to do the right thing. Quick tempered when her ideals were threatened but just as quick to apologize for it. She kept his boots on the ground when he got out of line. Shepard had hoped he wouldn't feel remorse every time he heard her name. That would make things even more difficult.

She'd tell him to suck it up and stop being such a downer, was she there.

When he got back to the _Normandy_ after his case of amnesia, he had found himself standing by the memorial wall, looking at the names and remembering each and every face of the soldiers that had served under his command. Those who died under his command. It hurt knowing that Ash was the first.

He had hesitated when his gaze fell to the recently painted name.

 _ADM DAVID ANDERSON_

The crew had figured that he wanted to put it up himself, and he did, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He simply wasn't ready yet. Anderson had been the closest thing he ever had to a father. A family. He had grown up believing that family did nothing but bring you down and place another easily claimed piece on the chessboard. Another distraction. Another weakness.

Thing is, a family was something he had always wanted, and now he had one.

The girl that shared his Gunnery Chief's name smiled faintly before she launched herself into Kaidan's arms when he sat, receiving a chuckle in return, wrapping his arms protectively around her. Just seeing them together like that had Shepard's heart go thermally hazardous. Flutter and warm. It was obvious to him that Kaidan loved her just as much as he would if she was his own biological daughter.

Kaidan took her by the shoulders, pushing her away to face her. "Nice to see you too, kid. Slept well?"

"Mm-hm."

"We just ate, so I'll warm some up for you, okay?"

The whiskey-brown hue of his significant other soon looked up, meeting his eye, and he must've noticed the uncertainty in it. Ashlee's eyes went wide when she saw him, pushing into Kaidan's chest, as if trying to protect herself.

Goddamn it hurt.

He didn't even know her, and yet, her dismissal was like a sword piercing his gullet.

 _I can't do this,_ he thought, wanting to flee again. _I can't stand her looking at me like that._

She made a small whimper when Kaidan rose, but Kaidan himself was unfazed, approaching the kitchen counter to pull up a cupboard to get her a plate before filling it. He used a fork to create a hole in the middle, a trick used when microwaving leftovers, making sure the whole dish and not just the middle got heated up.

He shoved it in the microwave and turned it on.

"Meanwhile, here's someone you need to meet," Kaidan told her, smiling. He pushed a hesitant girl a few step towards him. Shepard's chest went tight. He had no idea what to do as he still sat there and just stared, not moving a muscle, afraid he'd scare her off again. Eventually, he managed to tear his eyes away from her, uncertainly looking up and into the familiar whiskey-brown hue. Kaidan lined himself up next to her. "Ashlee, you know about your dad. John Shepard. He's great. A hero," he added, looking at him fondly. "Now, he might seem a little brash at times, but I told you why. You remember why, right?"

Slowly, she nodded. "Because he's scared."

It was that simple, but hell, scared wasn't the right word. No, he was terrified, downright terrified.

Sighing, Kaidan said, "John, c'mon. Say something. Anything."

Shepard cleared his throat, straightening his back, clasping his hands together as he had no idea what to do with them.

"Uh... hi." He immediately cringed, shutting his eyes tightly. He must've both looked and sounded like an idiot. A downright clueless man, looking at his own daughter as if she was an entirely new species, and this was First Contact. When he dared opening them again, his heart skipped a beat, seeing the small twitch of her lips as she hid behind Kaidan again. Kaidan was grinning.

 _Oh, great. Now there's *two* people wallowing in my pain. You guys are all heart._

Explosively exhaling, Shepard said, "Okay, I got it, all right? I'm a failure. That what you want to hear, Alenko?"

"Oh, no. You're doing great," he replied, the amusement noted a long way. "I need to get back in contact with Hackett, so I trust you both to _behave_ when I'm gone, eh?" Despite the use of a plural pronoun, his gaze was focused entirely on him, and Shepard would've pouted in any other circumstances. "I'll be back in a couple days, tops."

Shepard blinked. "Tops? You said it seemed long-lasting."

"It's a two-part mission. First, I'm needed in London for a couple hours," he replied, with a somewhat careful smile. He cleared his throat, averting his eyes as it faltered again. "The long one is to, uh... is to keep a close eye on you in case you remember anything more about what happened, and... to watch out for a change in your behavior."

"Behavior?" he asked, somewhat offended. "So Hackett thinks I'm crazy."

"Not crazy, just..." He stopped himself when he turned back, having noted the agitated almost-scowl on Shepard's face. "Look, I need to get moving." Nevertheless, when he was about to move, Ashlee stood fast while refusing to let go of his hand. Nearly yanking him back. The uncertainty was apparent in her eyes again. Looking on the verge to break out in tears. The pure terror in her expression made Shepard feel like nothing but a damn monster.

"Ashlee, hey. Don't be like that," Kaidan said, voice firmer but still soft as she clung to his leg. He cupped her head while he stood there hunched, until he took her by the waist and launched her up onto his hip. Kaidan handled every interaction with her as if it was child's play.

He had no idea how he did that.

Kaidan's attention was then entirely on him, offering a fond smile, Shepard's anger forgotten as the lines in his forehead retracted. He could do nothing but close his eyes when Kaidan closed the distance between them. Familiar lips came against his, and he pressed up harder, internally begging him to stay with him. Hold tightly onto him so he couldn't walk out that damn door today. Anything for him to just stay.

The panic set in when the lips retracted and Ashlee was suddenly transferred into his arms, much to both his and Ashlee's shock. He could tell judging by the way her eyes went three times their size, and the sharp pain in his shoulder, nails digging into the sensitive skin.

"K -Kaidan, please. No. I'm going to accidentally drop her -" he begged as he pulled away.

Kaidan silenced him with another kiss. "You'll be fine," he said confidently with a wink, pulling away before he could protest. He had yanked his jacket off the coat stand and headed for the door in seconds. "I love you!"

"Kaidan!" he called, but the door flew shut behind him.

Shepard's jaw dropped slightly as he stared at the door for a good long while. The eerie silence left him more than just a little on edge. Ashlee's silence didn't help, either, his shoulder now aching and the girl entirely stiff in his arms. She was holding her breath. His own heart was beating vehemently.

The microwave beeped finished.

Swallowing hard, his gaze fell to Ashlee, looking equally as terrified as him.

* * *

The debriefing with Hackett via omni-tool had been short and direct. The Alliance had used some of their best scientists to try piecing together what John had reported about the Catalyst. It didn't make sense to them, either.

Kaidan's primary mission was to touch down in London to see if they'd missed something.

Why Hackett needed Kaidan specifically was the exact same reason why he also needed Garrus. They were both on the ground team during the final push and had a different perspective on everything that happened down there. They were to meet up with Major Coats. Finally looking deeper into it, taking apart every single detail and attempting to put them back together into one context, he hoped they'd get the answers they sought.

He remembered what Liara said, about Harbinger probably wanting to make John its puppet, but it was a long-shot. Plausible, but still a long-shot, and he needed the answers. What Kaidan certainly couldn't understand was how Anderson and the reapers died if none of that ever happened, and hell, why he would dream such vivid things in the first place. There was no beacon present. It was simply Harbinger's beam.

"Well, you look exhausted," Garrus mused.

"My coffee is cold, I lost my first damn skycar to get here and my fiancé is mad at me for whatever reason," Kaidan replied, awaiting their departure in the _Normandy_ mess. "Suddenly the smallest things sets him off."

"Fiancé?" The shock was evident in his raspy voice.

"I -oh, right. We didn't tell you guys," he replied, rubbing the back of his neck with a faint blush. "Shepard, uh... he proposed."

"That's... wow. One hell of a thing."

He chortled. "Heh. Yeah."

"So... when's the wedding?" Garrus asked suggestively, and Kaidan rolled his eyes.

"First off, I need to get rid of this," he murmured, gesturing to the eye patch still attached to his face. "I mean, hell, I'd rather be fully healed before a damage like that is forever pinned in pictures of an important day like that." Kaidan smirked, and teased, "Doesn't go too well with the black and golden dress whites, you know?"

"But, it does... I mean, you said there was black contours as well, and the patch is black -"

"It's a joke, Garrus."

"Oh."

"I just... I want it to be perfect, you know?" He sighed, moving his thumb to scratch the irritated area across his temple. "Sorry. Didn't mean to ramble off like that. Things are still really damn stressful these days."

"Well, I'm not the best to ask for fashion advice, but I'll be more than willing to share a few turian weapon designs that makes the ladies fawn."

"You're one of a kind, Garrus."

"I would suggest going for it," came Miranda's thick Australian accent, rounding the corner and approaching them by the table. "It's a good look for you." She smiled, genuine and open although her tone was teasing. "It's _roguish..._ Rather sexy, I'd say."

She didn't need to say more before his cheeks flushed red.

"So, krogan ladies like scars... and human ladies likes eye patches. Interesting," Garrus said, mandibles flaring into a grin himself. "You've got a few scars yourself major, and since Shepard is part krogan, I'd say you're on the right track."

"I hate you both."

...but yeah, it was true, John _was_ part krogan. Mentally. Thankfully, he had just one pair of testicles.

The thought of several was a picture he really didn't want etched into his brain.

"By the way, I might've heard the rumors of an engagement," Miranda quirked, crossing her arms with a smirk, interrupting his thoughts. Without a word, he held up his left hand with the ring on display. "Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"Now we'll only need to find out what's going on so you two lovebirds can be reunited," Garrus said, clasping his hands together. "I still have no idea what went on out there."

Kaidan sighed. "Yeah, it's... strange. Shepard's recollection was just so damn vivid. Like it happened. I just can't believe it did."

"It was more than a dream, that's for sure," Miranda helpfully added, putting her hands on her hips. Hackett had contacted her because of her intimate details of John's wounds and implants. Her voice was important in this. She shook her head. "I didn't pay much attention to it then, but when I first got my hands on Shepard after the reapers were defeated, I noticed rapid eye movement. Signs of intense dreaming occurring during REM-sleep. My best bet is that it has something to do with indoctrination. Harbinger probably burned visions into Shepard's brain to trick him."

"Liara said the same thing," Kaidan muttered, although didn't really consider the ramifications until now if that was the case.

Garrus' mandibles twitched. "Wait, you're telling me that Shepard is indoctrinated?"

"Partly... and not anymore," Kaidan quipped back, straightening his posture. "You were with me down there. Harbinger didn't specifically target Shepard, it just... kinda danced around him, you know? As if trying to make it believable."

"As if 'trying to fool us into thinking that he was just another casualty'?" Garrus asked.

"Exactly. I don't know much about how indoctrination works, though."

Miranda had found a spot to stare at. "Now when I think of it, I might have a rather good idea of what's been going on," she muttered, gaining their full attention. "I looked over my father's files on indoctrination. Figured it would be useful to see how they managed it. To indoctrinate someone, especially someone as strong-willed as Commander Shepard, they must weaken their target's resolve. Both physically and mentally. You said Harbinger targeted both you and Garrus while moving towards the beam, is that correct?"

"Yes?" he said, giving her a careful nod urging her to continue.

"Harbinger tried to kill you."

"Sure looked like it."

"...and, had it succeeded, Shepard's resolve would have considerably decreased. Seeing any of his crew die would've left a permanent mark," she finished, and he immediately got her point. Garrus appeared to do the same, making no comment. "Even so, you're both here, and that reduces us to the fact that it must've been something that happened after the two of you were evacuated by the Normandy."

"Harbinger's beam," Garrus muttered.

"Yes. After it hit him, his body was weakened, making him an easier target for indoctrination. It's a long and slow progress for some, quick for others. After what you've told me about Virmire and this... Rana Thanoptis?" Kaidan nodded, and she continued "...Shepard must've been far more strong-willed than her because they were both under the influence of reaper technology for about the same amount of time. She snapped after two years, killing several asari officers before committing suicide, but Shepard persisted."

"What are the signs?" Kaidan asked, just to make sure.

"Oily shadows and ghostly presences, nightmares, complaints of headaches, the feeling of being watched, whispers and voices in the head," she replied. "The reapers can penetrate one's mind, filling them with thoughts that aren't their own, so they could have put something in Shepard's head that urged him forward. Or attempted to break him. The reapers had hoped he was indoctrinated before he reached the Citadel."

 _How could I not have seen this earlier?_ he thought, frustrated at himself.

"Shepard had nightmares all the time," he muttered, features mellowed. The lines in Miranda's forehead smoothed out. "I had to calm him down on several occasions. Snap him out of it. He told me that there were oily shadows present in them, that he heard voices of the dead, recalling past events. He mentioned episodes like Virmire and Ash, and -"

Something went up for him.

"Oh my god..." Kaidan muttered, earning him a curious look. "The kid."

"Kid?"

"When we left Vancouver after the reapers invaded, Shepard mentioned seeing a kid, no older than six or seven. That very kid had constantly been reappearing in his nightmares and burned before his very eyes. Shepard compared the kid to himself when he was young, when he was lost and without family, saying he never expected it to affect him as much as it did." After a moment, he added, "I never saw any kid, and I was right there with him."

"Come to think of it," Garrus began "...he mentioned it when I first came aboard after returning from Palaven. He seemed pretty shook about it. Told me he couldn't understand why that kid had to die and that he somehow was alive."

Kaidan felt a headache brewing up. "He was under the process of indoctrination ever since we left Earth," he muttered, propping elbows to his thighs and buried his face in his hands. "Dammit... I -I should've seen this sooner -"

"Don't blame yourself, Kaidan," Garrus said, voice firm. "We were all there. None of us knew."

 _I still should've known._

He looked up when he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder, meeting the compassionate expression on Miranda's face, her look mirroring Garrus' words. There was still two questions remaining. How did the reapers fall and how did Anderson die?

" _ETA, five minutes,"_ Joker reported over the comm, and they got ready to touch down.

* * *

His feet hit the soil as he stepped out of the airlock, and he was brought back to that day he first saw John at Wellington Hospital, covered in tubes with a beeping heart monitor by his side. He had imagined how it would've felt to search the debris for John's body, calling his name through the rubble, but he hadn't been there when they found him. He could still remember the pure relief he felt when he got the call that John was alive.

London was still rebuilding, and a peculiar spot had his heart get stuck in his throat, the Alliance tape having been removed. This was where they found him.

The area had been thoroughly searched, so they had been directed to the Alliance base there, which kept the belongings in careful stock. This was what the scientists had been studying. What they had found. While Miranda and Garrus were chatting up Major Coats, debriefing him of their discussion in the mess, Kaidan had approached the box that was their only chance at finding out what happened.

The first thing that caught his attention was John's _M-11 Suppressor._ It packed one hell of a punch, that was for sure, and it was certainly among John's favorite guns. He had used it in the final assault. His features mellowed as another thing went up for him.

Kaidan flipped up his omni-tool.

" _Kaidan?"_ came John's voice on the other end, genuine surprise in his tone. _"Everything all right?"_

"Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine. How are things back there?"

" _I don't have a damn clue what I'm doing, K. Could you get your ass back already?"_ he replied, and Kaidan smiled, shaking his head. _"I mean, hell, do I need to take her for a walk or something?"_

"John, she's not a dog."

" _She's sure as hell acting like one -Ash, put that down! Right now! You're going to hurt yourself!"_ John fell into a suffocation pause. _"I... Ash, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to -"_ he added, his voice almost entirely drained, and Kaidan's smile faltered. His continuation broke his heart. _"She's looking at me like that again. K, please, just... just come back."_

Kaidan swallowed down the lump in his throat. He sounded so lost. Insecure. Downright defeated. Maybe he'd pushed too hard leaving him alone with her.

"I... okay," he replied, meeting Garrus' curious gaze. "Okay, I'll get back as fast as I can, just... I need to finish up here, but if you can help me out, it'll speed up the process."

" _Okay. I'll do my best."_

Kaidan cleared his throat. "All right. So, you... you told me that you had a _Carnifex_ equipped during your final moments at the Citadel," he said, back to professional mode as he shoved the past feeling aside. "Thing is, the Alliance found your _M-11 Suppressor_ when recovering you, no _Carnifex._ John, if there's... anything strange, anything unusual you can remember, let me know."

" _That doesn't make any sense, I -"_ He abruptly cut himself off, and there was silence. _"Wait, I did have the *M-11.* Right up until... when I woke up after Harbinger's beam hit me, I... I had a *Carnifex.* I swear to God. Hell, I used it to -"_

John fell into a pause. _"I used it to shoot Anderson."_

"Did anything strange happen after?" he asked, voice soft. He knew this was a sore topic, but it was also an important one.

" _I... had the *M-11* in my hand again the moment after the explosion."_

Kaidan took a deep breath. "John, you... I know this is a lot to take in, but... Harbinger might've influenced your mind. Projected a scene. The reaper made you see what it wanted you to, but it wasn't careful enough, allowing slip-ups. That gun was always a _M-11 Suppressor,_ but you fought back, and Harbinger's projections dissolved at the very end knowing it couldn't convince you."

" _I didn't kill him?"_ he asked, the hope in his voice clear.

Somewhat carefully, he smiled, "You didn't. It was a, uh... it was a _Carnifex_ bullet. You didn't have one on you."

The relieved sigh on the other end was a reassuring sound.

Silence.

" _So who did it?"_

"I'm going to find out. I swear," he promised, being one he would be determined to keep. "For now, all you need to know... is that nothing you remember from being hit by the beam is true. It was the reaper's manifestations. Harbinger's will -"

"Kaidan, you should see this," came Garrus' voice, and he turned. "Anderson's omni-tool has an encrypted video message."

" _K?"_

He snapped out of it. "Sorry. I'm here," he replied, and rubbed the area above his brow. "I'll fill you in when I get back, okay? I promise. Hopefully I'll have some concrete proof -" He cut off hearing a loud noise on the other end, sounding like a crash, feeling the panic set in.

" _Ash!"_ Everything else he heard was a brief cracking sound that scorched its way in his brain.

John had dropped the phone.

"John?" he asked, eyes shifting. Nothing. "John!"

Miranda's eyes shot open. "What's going on?"

"I don't know, but I need to get back." The desperation must've ushered through judging by the expression on Miranda's face. Coats nodded, signaling that it was fine.

"We'll finish up here," Miranda said, and he gave her a nod in thanks before moving.

* * *

His heart was beating significantly faster when his transport reached his mom's place, blue and red lights nearly blinding him, two cop cars and an ambulance standing outside. He felt nauseous. Terrified of what he'd might find behind those closed doors.

He thanked the driver, slammed the door shut, his walk turning into a light jog until he reached the door. There was no blood. No signs of struggle. Ashlee was clasping the _SR-1_ model ship, staring somewhere towards the couch wide-eyed, two officers blocking his view from what she was looking at.

Kaidan just knew that there was something wrong with John. His heart tried to rip through his ribs.

He took a step forward, but an officer blocked his approach, although the new angle gave him nearly a full view. John sat hunched over on the floor, head hung and back to the couch, elbows on his knees. Everyone stood about five feet away from him as if afraid of getting too close. Hell, his hands were cuffed.

"What's going on?"

The officer sighed. "We don't know. Some of our guys tried to get in contact with the girl after Commander Shepard was unresponsive, but we could tell she was scared, so we lay off. With you here, things just got a lot easier -"

"Kaidan!" came a tiny voice, and he turned to see Ashlee running his way.

He barely managed to sit down before she basically crashed into him. He held her, rocking her gently and placed a kiss to her forehead. After a moment, he clasped her shoulders, pushing her away far enough to face her. She looked calmer now. More at ease.

"Hey, kid. What happened?" he asked, attempting his voice to sound soft. "Ash?"

"I... I hit my knee in the table and fell on that green thingy." Ashlee pointed at the button by the vid-screen, and just by that alone, he knew something was off. John despised television. He always complained how there was nothing of interest on it, just 'Blasto' and news vids that made him twitchy, having seen enough conflict in his life.

"Did you get hurt?" Kaidan asked.

She shook her head vigorously. "No. I called the nice uniform men. I was scared."

4 years old and she already knew how to operate a phone.

Kaidan smiled softly. "You did great, Ash. Exactly what you were supposed to. Thank you," he said. A somewhat careful smile appeared on her lips, but it shortly faltered, looking back at John who hadn't moved. "I'll take it from here, okay?" She nodded, turning to walk back, stopping up a few meters away from John. He rose up to continue his discussion with the officer. "What do we know?"

"After the kid called the department, we sent an extraction team, hearing gunshots from within the house. Turns out the vid-screen was on. Some action flick or something. As far as we can tell, the commander had a panic attack. Had to restrain him. He won't talk."

His eyes shot open. "Panic attack?"

"He didn't tell you?" the officer asked quizzical, blinking obviously. "He has PTSD."

 _What?_

The officer nodded solemnly, face stoic. "I see," he said, Kaidan's silence being answer enough. "He had been seeing a shrink for some time, but refused to join any further meetings, so he's basically trying to fix himself. Shepard thought we were hired assassins or something. He's unstable right now, but you're the best shot at getting through to him. Just be careful. We don't know how he'll act."

"I... thank you, officer," he replied, accepting the cuff keys handed to him.

The man stepped aside, and Kaidan pushed forward, making sure his movements were slow when reaching him.

He swallowed hard. "John?" he tried carefully, on instinct taking a step back when John reached for a gun that wasn't there. Kaidan held up his hands, palms forward, letting him know that he wasn't armed. "Hey, hey... easy."

Thankfully, John had immediately recognized him, although now Kaidan saw the small cut on his cheek that was proof of resistance.

"Kaidan?" he asked, expression quizzical, and cringed. "Judging by the fact they're not keeping you at gunpoint... I take it these guys are legit?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, they're legit," he replied, unhooking the cuffs. "100 percent."

"Christ. I was about to start shooting this place up. Glad no unnecessary casualties were had," he murmured, rubbing his wrist before brushing off some lint from his shoulder. John looked back at him. First there was nothing, then realization, and then regret. The lines in his forehead had retracted. He had seen the look of utter concern that must've ushered through in Kaidan's features.

With a sigh, John averted his eyes. "Hell, I'm sorry. Guess I should've told you 'bout... all this," he said, waving his hand.

"It -it's okay. Really," he muttered, halfway lying to himself. "My God, though. You scared the crap out of me. Don't ever do that again." Kaidan pulled up from the floor, reaching out a hand to help him onto his feet. He hesitated briefly, eyes falling to his hand, before accepting his offer. After a few awkward looks from the cops and medics, Kaidan nodded in thanks, letting them know that he got this handled from here on out.

John cleared his throat as he stood. "Sorry, folks. How's, uh... how's boy toy over there?"

Casting his gaze aside, Kaidan noticed an officer appearing to have just woken up from an unconscious state, and he blinked. Definitely John's work. He'd put up a fight and that was why there were armed soldiers still there.

"No worries, Commander. Stay safe. Guy deserved some sense knocked into him," the officer teased, earning an unimpressed look from the guy John had bought to the ground. With that, they went back to their duties.

* * *

They were once again alone, Kaidan having lead them to the door while John had placed himself in the couch, hands clasped together as his head hung. Kaidan approached him, sliding into the couch by his side, applying medi-gel to the cut.

"When Ashlee fell, I just... hell, every single fall is a death to me," John muttered, rubbing his eyes. "Then the vid-screen flashed on, and... I was back on that damn field. Fighting for my life. Gunshots and lasers all around me -" John's body went rigid, looking up from his hand to see Ashlee jerk back an inch. Fear on her face. She had come far closer than even he'd realized. The fear shortly fell away.

Carefully, she put her hand back on his knee, and he watched John just staring at her wide-eyed.

Ashlee abruptly pushed forward, pressing her cheek to John's abdomen, clutching his shirt. His hands were hovering to his sides. Obviously having no clue what just happened. Kaidan couldn't prevent the small smile from breaking out on his lips, seeing those stoic features gradually mellow, shoulders sagging. Eventually, John slowly wrapped his arms around his daughter, returning her embrace. Pulling her closer, he cupped her other cheek, and she melted into his arms. Her eyes closed as he held her.

He was accepted.

"My first instinct was to get her someplace safe, but I just froze, collapsed," John continued, somewhat hesitantly pushing Ashlee away. "I didn't tell you 'bout this PTSD bullshit 'cause I refused to let you see me like that. Helpless and scared. Nowhere near the image I've built." He watched him clench his jaw. "They taught me how to put that uniform on... I just can't get it off."

"Daddy," Ashlee said, taking him off-guard. "Why were you acting so strange?"

"After you've enlisted in the Alliance and agglutinate with situations related to war, you incorporate and get so used to it that trivial -"

"John," Kaidan interrupted, amused. "She's 4."

"Oh. Right." John cleared his throat, noticing the puzzled look on Ashlee's face. "You get so used to fighting that, uh... _normal..._ situations and things reminds you of the time when you were risking your life to help people in the war. You stop feeling safe. I simply felt like I was in that movie myself and fought for my life. War isn't a nice memory."

"What movie was it, exactly?" Kaidan asked.

"It was just _'Blasto: Blasto Goes to War',"_ Ashlee replied, smiling.

John grunted.

"You're not helpless," Kaidan said, putting a hand on his thigh and giving it a gentle squeeze. He wanted to make that perfectly clear. "John, it's okay to be scared. It's _okay_ to ask for help. PTSD is a serious thing, and I want to help you. You need to let me. When someone important to you is up on a ledge, you help them. This -this fight? You're not meant to face it alone. You're the strongest man I know, and I love you."

Kaidan smiled, genuine and fond. "We'll figure it out, just like we always do -"

He startled when his omni-tool beeped. It was a message from Miranda. He had nearly forgotten about that mentioned audio file that Garrus informed him about before everything happened.

"This might not be the best time, but... before I got here, they found a recorded message in London," he added, gaze fixated at the display. "It... it's from Anderson. Dedicated to you." Kaidan looked up, seeing the brief hurt that washed over John's face. Softly, he asked, "Do you want to do this now, or should we wait until...?"

"No. No, I... I need to know."

Kaidan nodded his understanding. "Okay," he muttered, and cleared his throat. "The... the recording was put under a voiced encryption code. When bringing the interface up on a terminal, everything it said was, 'The first lesson I ever taught you'." With a deep inhale, John closed his eyes, and Kaidan knew he had the code memorized by heart.

"Bring it up on screen," he said. Kaidan did as asked. John clenched his jaw, and then, he spoke the code: "'We don't get to choose how we start in this life. Real greatness... is what you do with the life you're dealt'."

The vid-screen lit up. John swallowed hard. He pressed 'play.'

The man himself came to view, grief back on John's stoic face, eyes glistening. Kaidan himself felt his abdomen churn. Anderson's smile was fond, but he was beaten, dull brown eyes full of warmth. His expression showed nothing but affection.

Ashlee stared at the screen. "Grandpa Anderson?"

"Yeah," John said, smiling softly. "Yeah... Grandpa Anderson. Pops himself. Tough bastard."

Kaidan could hear the emotion in his voice.

 _"Well, son. If you're seeing this, we made it, and the reapers are thrown back into whatever black hull they crawled out of,"_ he said, voice weary but with light humor. _"I managed to record a file for Hackett, in case you didn't make it, but I decided to make a personal one that only you could hear. There's a lot of things to say, but time is off the essence, and I don't know how much time this old soldier's got left._

" _First off... after you got Alenko and Vakarian an evac, I lost the sight of you, couldn't see much through all the smoke, explosions and gunfire. I had seen soldiers evaporated before my very eyes. That's something I never wanted to experience again. I could only hope that the same fate hadn't befallen you. I knew I had to push forward and eventually managed to get to the beam that had me transported to what I believe was the upper dome of the Citadel. Hell, it didn't take long before that damn bastard Illusive Man showed up. I managed to take him down. Barely._

" _Eventually, I found the control panel and somehow got the Crucible firing, the mechanism being attached to some switch connected to the Citadel, now with a fresh gunshot wound from my own damn *Carnifex.* The Illusive Man had disarmed me with it. I was hit pretty good already on the way up there thanks to some flying debris, and hell, I know I'm not going to make it._

" _Second... and to more personal notes... I need you to know that Ace is alive. I needed to make sure you knew that. Hackett will tell you the whole story if you don't know already. I wanted to tell you earlier, but as the Admiral will no doubt debrief you of, I couldn't."_

His continuation struck a cord.

" _Third... tell Alenko -tell *Kaidan...* that I said, 'thank you.' For taking care of you for me. For staying by your side. For giving you the love and affection that you both do so deserve. I know that you'll make one hell of a dad and so will Kaidan. Let me remind you that you have a daughter out there, although I'm sure you haven't forgotten. I'm just sorry I can't be there to see it. I admit... I was looking forward to becoming a granddad, see Ashlee grow up, but... things aren't as clear cut. We can't have everything. Still. You, Kaidan and Ace are the only sons I ever needed._

" _Fourth... I won't be able to pay Hackett back those gambling money._

John nearly chortled, his smile soft, eyes brimmed with unshed tears.

" _And fifth... if you can do an old man one last favor... tell Kahlee that I love her and have to break that promise she passed along to you on Grissom."_ He fell into a pause. _"I'm proud of you, son. I'm proud of you all. This is Admiral David Edward Anderson... signing off."_

The image disappeared.

A silence filled the air before John spoke.

"Anderson saved us," he said, softly. "Christ, he saved us all."

Kaidan smiled. "Yeah. Yeah, he sure did," he said, voice strangled, managing to hold back the tears that sought desperate release.

"Here I thought I was the hero of the story," he muttered, tone teasing. "Hell, I lay there under debris, passed out while hallucinating my grand finalé. That... that's actually kinda sad." Kaidan shook his head at that, letting out a heartfelt chuckle, as this made John all the more gullible.

"It sure is," he said fondly.

* * *

 **A/N:** The Alliance Dress Whites I'm talking about in this chapter is the "Alliance Dress Whites mod" by Lonethiella from NexusMods.

Anderson saving everyone while John was buried under debris is my canon. Not very heroic by the infamous commander, but hey, at least he won against indoctrination. I support the IT-theory, but imo it isn't about _Shepard_ being indoctrinated, it's about the _player_ being indoctrinated. If you chose Destroy, you won the game... but if you chose Synthesis/Control, you fell to indoctrination. Again, this is my personal canon, and you're welcome to disagree :)

One more chapter to go, folks! It'll be an _Epilogue._


	54. Ch 54: Epilogue

**Chapter 54: Epilogue**

* * *

" _This is Commander Shepard and Major Alenko... signing off."_ _\- John Shepard_

In which our two leads finally gets their happily ever after.

* * *

 **A/N, *TRIGGER WARNING*:** Mild sexual situations.

Huge thanks to _Estalfaed_ on _ArchiveOfOurOwn_ for inspiring the eye patch scenario around the middle! He's great :)

* * *

"K, you look like you're going to faint. Relax. It's just up here."

Kaidan cleared his throat. "I -I'm sorry, it's just... hell, couldn't we just hire a skycar or something? I'm not comfortable with this blindfold thing while having ground move beneath me," he said, hand clutching the roof handle while the other clasped Shepard's wrist on the gear lever. When he removed the hand, the car now standing still, red marks remaining from his grip were apparent on the skin.

Shepard blew hard through his nose.

"Here I thought I'd do something nice for you, and you're questioning my damn driving skills? I'm not that bad."

"You nearly drove is into molten sulfur on Therum. Twice."

"That was in a Mako."

"You're not doing any better."

"Like you'd know..." Shepard murmured.

"Five people has been yelling at you to stop driving like a jackass. I'm blindfolded, not deaf," he replied, and Shepard frowned deeply. "John, I -it's just us, anyways. Couldn't you at least drive an MC? I'd feel a lot safer that way."

He smirked.

"Bullshit. You just can't keep your hands off of me and needed an excuse," he teased. Kaidan scoffed. He watched him throw his head back to the headrest with an amused smile. "I don't own one right now. Haven't owned one since 73, really. Had to leave my baby back when the Reds caught up on my tracks not to be trailed."

"Huh. Wait, what? You drove an MC when you met me at the spaceport."

"That... wasn't mine."

"Oh my God, John! You stole a damn motorcycle?"

"Hey, I wrote down the address. Sent a check. I made sure they've got the money to buy a new one," he replied, voice stern. Kaidan sighed. "Anyways, we're here. Sit tight."

Shepard pulled the handbrake and turned the key in the ignition. The motor went silent. He shoved the metal into his back pocket and had it opened and slammed shut before rounding the car to do the same for Kaidan. Taking his hand, he helped him up and maneuvered him out, making sure he didn't hit his head in the frame.

"Can I take this off?" Kaidan asked.

"Not yet," he replied, taking both of his hands in his own, gently squeezing them. "You know those apartments we were looking at? I had some contacts that were stationed here in Vancouver."

A slow smile spread on Kaidan's lips. "You got us a place?"

"Figured it'd be appropriate seeing we're officially tying the knot in a couple days."

"C'mon, let me see it."

Shepard bit into his lower lip. "I don't know, major. I kinda like you like this," he purred, taking his face in his hands. Shepard gave him a chaste kiss. He grinned against his mouth. When he leant back in, Kaidan met him eagerly, mouths colliding. Shepard trailed the inside of his lips with the tip of his tongue, Kaidan's following, fully synchronized. He felt the curve of his hips caressed, arms coming around his waist, delving him deeper.

"John," Kaidan said, breaking the connection with a wet sound to press their foreheads together. His smile was fond. Without conflict. "Don't worry, okay? I'm convinced I'll like it. You don't need to try delaying it."

Exhaling slowly, Shepard shut his eyes, knowing that he saw right through him.

"Okay."

He brushed his thumbs directly underneath the rim of the blindfold, gingerly clasping the edges, before just as carefully pulling them off. Slowly, he was presented by the whiskey-brown hue, and he chewed the inside of his cheek in anticipation. When he didn't move, Kaidan rolled his eyes, snaking an arm around his waist and pulling him in for another quick kiss. He grunted under his breath when Kaidan turned them 90 degrees, shoulders now to the apartment, before his lips withdrew. Kaidan lay his eyes upon the building for the first time, and his features mellowed, mouth falling somewhat agape as he looked at it.

Shepard cleared his throat.

"I, uh... I had my contacts furnish the place already, but we can make adjustments anytime," he made sure to let him know, shoving his hands deep into the front pockets of his jeans. "You told me how you've always wanted a place like mine on the Citadel, overlooking the Pacific, so I pulled some strings to see it done. It's nearly identical to the apartment. Again, we could make adjustments -"

"John, this... this is fantastic." Kaidan's voice was hoarse, the genuinity clear. He could breathe out. When Kaidan turned his way, nothing but affection was apparent in his eyes, and he was pulled into a hug before he could respond.

With a smile, Kaidan separated his hand from the pocket. "C'mon. Give me the tour," he said, intertwining their fingers.

* * *

Their military wedding ceremony two days after had been short and sweet. Usually, you needed to make a reservation at least a year ahead of time, but the Alliance made an exception after their efforts in the war as a 'thank you.' Shepard was just surprised he managed to get his hands off of Kaidan before the ceremony began. Those Alliance Dress Whites hugged his curves in all the right ways. The flashing of service medals was kind of a plus. Reminding him of his husband's authority. It took every ounce of resistance out of Shepard not to throw him into the wardrobe locker and have his way with him.

He'd failed.

Vega walked in on them to say everything was ready, and hell, Shepard would never forget the flustered look on his face.

Let's just say that Vega avoided eye-contact for the rest of the day.

For Shepard, the whole ordeal was almost too much. Lights. The arch of sabers above them as they walked through. A lot of people. He'd gotten the help needed to deal with his PTSD, so it was enough for him not to bail the moment camera flashes lit up the local. He was recovering nicely and it was in no small part thanks to Kaidan. His support had been breathtaking. He kept asking himself why the hell he doubted Kaidan's understanding in the first place. If anything, they'd grown closer ever since the reveal, not further apart in which he had expected. Turns out that Kaidan Alenko really did fall in love with John Shepard for all he was.

Their discussion hours earlier had a hint of humor in it while arguing whom should walk the aisle. They couldn't come to an understanding so both agreed to do it. Ashlee had held one of their hands each as she walked them up.

Neither he nor Kaidan had a father anymore, but hell, Ashlee did the job perfectly.

They had the rings engraved like the engagement one. 'Your John, always' and 'Your Kaidan, always.' It was kinda cheesy, they both knew that, but it was kind of their thing. Neither of them wanted it gone. It was a reminder of everything they had been through together.

" _John, you've been in there for hours. What's taking so long?"_ he heard Kaidan call from the room besides.

Shepard grunted, fumbling with his tie, them just having returned from a photoshoot with 'Badass Weekly' who wanted an article on their marriage. 'The Spectre Power Couple.' They had been dressed in variety, but hell, most of the photos had them stripped down to pants or briefs. Hence, the black suit and tie, which had him cursing every half-moon. Kaidan had helped him get it on. Now he just needed to get it off.

"This thing is killing me," he murmured, stepping through the restroom door of their hotel room.

Kaidan chuckled. "C'mere," he said, reaching out from the bedside. "You know, John... this really looks good on you." His voice had lowered into a husky murmur that nearly made him semi-hard right there.

Approaching the bedside, his hip was trapped, his body reined in. A kiss was placed directly above the rim of his pants. Shepard had loosened the collar and unbuttoned his shirt in hope it would be easier to get the tie off, to no avail, but Kaidan seemed to have nothing against the display of a bare chest with thin white cotton fabric draped over the shoulders and arms. It had just been the two of them for three weeks, and they were going back home the next day, so he wanted to relish their final moments alone. Ashlee was great but they needed some time for themselves as well.

His partner seemed to think the same thing.

Next thing he remembered was ending up on his back, legs spread, Kaidan between them as his practiced mouth worked up the bare skin. Shepard hummed softly. Fingers digging into his jet-black hair. Kaidan's tongue probed between his lips when reaching his level, and he took it eagerly, hands busy loosening the tie. Teeth moved to gently nip at his throat, a hint of tongue, the sensation making him lightheaded. Shepard took a firm grip of his ass when Kaidan rocked his hips. They moaned in unison.

Kaidan viciously claimed his lips again, hand balled around the sheets beside Shepard's head, the other about to slide beneath his briefs.

"Mmm... Wait, hang on," Shepard said strangled, the connection of lips broken when he pushed Kaidan a couple inches away, curious but dilated whiskey-brown pupils looking down at him. Lips swollen and breathing heavy. Shepard was responsible for messing his hair up slightly.

Shepard grinned. "Could you put the patch on?"

The dramatic sigh from Kaidan only had him grin wider.

"I can't believe I'm doing this..." he grumbled, pulling off of him. Shepard made sure to give his ass a good look as he traipsed the room, biting into his lower lip, having sworn Kaidan put up a slight sway to his hips as he approached the duffle bag.

Well, he was certainly semi-hard now.

When he came back to him, Shepard grasped his belt loops, pulling him in before splaying a hand on his chest and pushing him down. As desperate as the kiss was, it slowed down, realization dawning upon Shepard's features. He reluctantly released his hold on him and sat. Kaidan pushed himself up on his forearms from the bed below him as he had noticed the sudden seriousness that overcame him.

"Hey, ah... I had plans to put up dad's nameplate on the memorial wall tomorrow," Shepard said. He felt a comforting hand on his arm, the skin sensually caressed, Kaidan's eyes focused on where he touched. Whiskey-brown angled up again to meet his gaze.

"Are you sure you're ready for that?"

Shepard clenched his jaw. He expelled a breath. Then he nodded.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready," he muttered, reaching out to capture Kaidan's chin. Their foreheads connected and he smiled faintly. "But thanks for asking." Shepard planted a brief peck at his mouth. "I love you, Kaidan."

Kaidan returned a soft smile.

"Show me," he muttered, bringing his mind back to their first night together. It was Shepard's words. He had to smile. That night, wrapped up in Kaidan's embrace, he was able to rest peacefully without any nightmares roaming his mind. Right there, in Kaidan's strong and protective arms, he knew exactly where he belonged.

* * *

The door flew open, and Shepard looked up from a data pad, expression immediately to turn defeated.

"What happened?" he asked from the couch to see Ashlee, a white Band-Aid across the bride of her nose, showing signs of a broken nose.

Kaidan had just picked her up from a visit to Ace's adopted son, Shepard having asked Ace to move to Vancouver so their kids weren't so far apart, as the two had hit it off nicely. Chris - Ace's son - was only two years older than her. About half a year had passed since their wedding, and at their after-party in the bar, Ace had really found the note with a guy that Kaidan knew from BAaT. Michael. The Spectres played wingmen and the two ended up together. They had only recently adopted.

Kaidan sighed. "She was playing with Chris. Head-butted him. I blame your influence for this."

"She what? Ash, this is not okay," he replied, frowning deeply with a stern look. Ashlee hung her head. Hands behind her back. "It's head-butting. You've gotta use your forehead, not your nose."

"John!"

"What?" he asked, bewildered of the shock on Kaidan's face.

Kaidan shook his head. "My god, at times I swear I'm the only adult in this damn house -" he said, but then his omni-tool went off. "Give me a sec." He looked the display over and moved to another room so he could take the call. Shepard had to admit that he was kinda proud of her. Head-butting was in the family, and hell, Grunt and Wrex loved her for it. Like father, like daughter, they say.

"Chris and I were talking about spaceships, but he used weird words, and I didn't know what he was saying," she said, frowning deeply. "What is a 'drive core'?"

Shepard grinned. "Go grab your model ship and I'll show you."

With a beaming smile, Ashlee ran to go get it, shortly coming back with glee in her eyes. He launched her up on his lap. Shepard began to explain the various parts of the _SR-1_ while showing her. She sure reminded him of Tali in terms of her love for ships. The whole _Normandy_ crew had met her by now and they all loved her. It was fun to explain it to her, but the joy hadn't lasted for long, finding himself gazing the direction Kaidan went. His omni-tool had been beeping constantly only days after they returned from their honeymoon, barely giving them a moment of peace, and the calls just kept coming.

"The Alliance?" Shepard asked, when he returned.

Kaidan shook his head. "Nah, the Council. There's been reports that another Spectre might've gone rogue, and after what happened with both Saren and Tela Vasir, they're keeping their eyes sharp. Not dismissing a single claim," he replied. "There's been some serious developments in a short amount of time and they suspect that something's off. They're sending me to investigate. Looks pretty serious, and -John?"

"Hm... what?" He blinked attention, having stopped listening a long time ago.

"John, for God's sake. I'm not an idiot. Every time I mention the Council or Alliance, you grow distant."

Shepard sighed. "K -"

"Don't 'K' me. Could you just -could you just _talk_ to me for a change? Christ, we've been through this."

With forced mirth, he said, "This is ridiculous. Just drop it."

"Either tell me now or when I get back. Your choice."

"What, you're giving me an ultimatum now? You're acting like a kid," he warned, feeling the anger rising inside of him.

"No, I'm acting like a man who can't get his own damn husband to talk to him!" Kaidan snapped, and he found himself clenching his jaw. Shepard averted his eyes. He hated this. Their fights. Only now recently had they occurred regularly. It didn't happen often before, but now when they did, they always escalated. Nevertheless, they always made up after. It couldn't go on like this.

Kaidan sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Hey, Ash... could you give us five minutes?" he asked, looking at the kid crawled up in Shepard's lap. "Go to your room or something. You haven't done anything wrong. Your dad and I just need to talk."

She nodded and climbed without complaint, him tempted to protest, knowing she was the only wall between them.

He let her go.

"K, I really don't want to do this -" he tried softly. Looking back up, he saw that Kaidan's features had mellowed. He immediately felt guilty. The nauseating feeling had come back and he swallowed. His jaw clenched. Kaidan had been nothing but good to him, and yet, he decided to push him away when things got dicey. All because of his own damn pride. His will wanting to do everything himself.

"What can I do... to make your day better?"

There was that question again. Each time they fought, he'd been hit by that question, increasing the effort needed to see the chores done each time Kaidan accepted to see what exact lengths he would go. From mundane things like making dinner to going to the grocery store in the middle of the damn night to buy one or two items that wasn't obligatory. He always accepted. No complaints and no questions asked. Shepard didn't have the time to protest or tell him that it wasn't necessary before he was gone.

The tension was replaced by hurt knowing there was a purpose for it.

Maybe it was Kaidan's way of saying 'I'm doing whatever you want now because I'm leaving later.' The thought of him leaving and them getting a divorce was enough to feel a sharp twinge in his abdomen. Why did he have to stall it? Why couldn't he just leave if that was what he wanted? Was it to subtract from the tension bound to remain after it was done so they could remain mutuals after? It only added to the tension. Kaidan never beat around the bush, so hell, what was his purpose?

He had to know.

"Why do you keep asking me that?" he asked, barely trusting his own voice.

Kaidan took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

"Because... because your happiness means everything to me, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes just to see you smile." He was presented with his eyes again, whiskey-brown meeting icy-blue, nothing but warmth in the gorgeous hue. "You just never let me. You never ask anything from me so I ask it for you." A careful smile appeared on Kaidan lips, and a small chuckle escaped them. "I mean, you despite presents even on your own damn birthday, you despite people thanking you for your efforts in the war, you despite the attention... I know you, John. I know you despite all that because you don't think you deserve it. Thing is, you do.

"You deserve everything you want and more. You deserve to be pampered with, you deserved to be held and loved, you deserve being praised and thanked... and you deserve someone who'd do all these things for you. I want to be that someone. I want to be your soft place to land. Who you come to when things are difficult."

He swallowed hard, a nauseating feeling feasting vehemently upon his abdomen, clenching his jaw.

"...and when you distance yourself from me like this? Hell, I feel lost," Kaidan added, hurt present in his voice. "I'm aware that things haven't been great between us lately, and things haven't gotten any better over time, and... and I don't want to lose you."

That did it.

Shepard threw his feet over the couch to plant them at the floor as he felt his vision clouding up, elbows propping to his knees as his face fell to his hands, as the deep pit in his abdomen went deeper. He certainly didn't expect to feel Kaidan shift to sit behind him, strong arms wrapping protectively around his waist, pulling him into a warm embrace.

Kaidan sighed. "I'm sorry, okay? Whatever I did, I'm sorry."

"For God's sake, K," he managed to mutter, turning his hands for palms to press against each other, resting his mouth to the tips as he steeled his eyes forward. "I'm nearly a damn cripple who gives you shit for nothing, and yet, you're still here. Why?"

Silence.

"Because I love you, John. You know that. So tell me what I can do to fix this."

He let one of his hands drop to his thigh as he guided the other across his own face, eyes shifty, contemplating whether to tell him or not. There was only one thing he could think of and it was egoistic to the fullest. It had nothing to do about Kaidan doing anything wrong, because hell, he hadn't. Not a single damn thing. It was just an internal battle that Shepard fought each time he saw him walk through that door.

"Quit the Alliance."

It was that simple. The reason to why he was mad at him in the first place. They'd done more than most with the _Normandy_ crew, and hell, he felt like he could - for once - be egoistic. They had given so much and expected nothing in return already.

The returning silence was proof that Kaidan didn't understand.

With a sigh, Shepard shook his head. "It's like you said. We deserve happiness. Happiness that isn't limited to late-night talks over omni-tools when you're out there doing jobs for the Alliance or Council, or stolen moments in-between your missions if stationed nearby... Christ, K. I want to just spend whole days just cuddled up in front of a vid-screen, watch terrible soap-operas we can make fun off, and just enjoy each other's company like every other normal damn married couple. Watch Ashlee grow up together.

"When I was with you out on the field, it was different, but I can't watch your six back home. There's no question that I'm no longer capable of returning to the Alliance. Especially not when Ash's in the picture. If I knew this was the cost of becoming a Spectre, I never would've taken the job," he added, and frowned. "Hell, I never would've let _you_ take the job, either. I'd do anything to sabotage it. I'm good at that."

Kaidan's heartfelt chuckle followed.

"If you wanted me to retire... hell, you should've just told me," he said, pulling him closer so Shepard ended up halfway lying down, head to his shoulder. Kaidan draped his arms across his chest. Shepard propped his foot to the table. "I didn't know you were ready for all that."

Shepard grunted.

"Neither did I, but David -" he said, but cut himself off. Eyes slammed shut and he swallowed. It still hurt. "Dad... asked me if I ever thought about settling down. I told him yes, but... I also told him I wasn't sure if I'd be much good at it." He moved his ring-bearing hand up, clasping Kaidan's wrist, brushing a thumb against the skin as he played with Kaidan's wedding band. "Hell, you know I'm not the typical 'red house, white-picket fence, two kids and a dog' like Sam, but I still want you around at all times."

Kaidan pressed a kiss to his temple. "Then I'll be there."

"Good."

Silence followed.

Shepard cleared his throat, frowning. "So... Ace."

"Oh my god, John." Kaidan averted his eyes, chuckling. "Is this about that phone call I had with him a couple days ago? He worked with me on a mission. I can't believe you're still thinking there's something between us."

"Look, it ain't impossible."

"Yes, it is."

"Why?"

"Because I love you, jackass. Even so, are you forgetting he has Michael? That they adopted a damn kid together? That he's taken?" Kaidan replied, and he felt him grin against his temple. "You're adorable when you're jealous."

"I'm not adorable. I'm manly as hell. Fucking Stallone."

Kaidan hummed. "Mmh. I'd rather compare you to James Dean, and hell... I like that one way better."

"So, a sex symbol?"

"Sounds about right."

"I don't appreciate being objectified, Alenko," he teased, keeping his deadpan demeanor true. Nevertheless, he had to bite back a moan when Kaidan's mouth began working down his neck, teasing him in ways that he was rather used to.

"Stop being so damn attractive then," he murmured against his skin, and Shepard shivered "...and it's 'Shepard-Alenko'."

Shepard grinned.

* * *

The next day arrived.

Kaidan watched the slump of John's shoulders, his stoic features drained, a nameplate in his calloused hands. Blue eyes searched the metal as if waiting for some kind of sign. An internal battle beneath the surface that he had fought for so long. Denied for so long.

Around him stood the rest of the _Normandy_ crew, their features just as drained, few unable to look up.

He swallowed hard when he saw John's foot lift from the floor ever so slightly, hands tightening around the metal, stepping up to the memorial wall. Escalating his arms, he placed the plaque, right in the center where his name would be honored. One last salute.

...

 _ **ADM DAVID ANDERSON**_

 _AD ASTRA PER ASPERA_

...

John pressed it up against the wall, fingers gingerly brushing against the flat piece of tepid metal, making sure it remained attached when he pulled away. The sentiment was shared among the crew, grief reflecting in their eyes, heads hung. Gently, John pushed away, giving the wall another glance. He took a step back to line himself next to the others. The stoic was gone. Everything that remained was grief.

Kaidan felt blue eyes upon him, ducking his head with a clenched jaw, making sure the sought eye-contact never reached him.

He couldn't even begin to describe how relieved he was for not having to put up John's plaque together with Anderson's. The thought of having to do it made his abdomen twist. Turn. Scramble. He almost did once.

Lightly brushing a thumb against the tiny hand that held his, Ashlee had increased the pressure of her hold, as if she knew what he was thinking. Her in need to comfort him. He offered her a small smile to let her know it was all right. She smiled softly back. When he built up just enough courage to meet John's eye, nothing was needed saying, as his worried thoughts must've reflected his demeanor.

Before he knew it, John's arms were around him, strong arms in which he had met halfway.

He buried his face in the grope between John's right shoulder and neck, tightening his brows in a concerned fashion, letting his eyes tightly close. After a moment of just holding one another, they pulled away, Kaidan taking a moment to study John's face. Grateful he didn't lose him. He was unable to hide the soft smile that curled his lips, a sentiment mirrored by John's, calloused hands at his upper arms.

Their foreheads connected. Kaidan Alenko never gave up on John Shepard. Not even when everything seemed hopeless.

Kaidan smiled. "I said I'd fight like hell for the chance to hold you again."

All it took was a little patience.

* * *

" _This is Commander Shepard and Major Alenko... signing off." - John Shepard_

* * *

 **END**

* * *

 **A/N:** All right, it's done! I feel kinda empty now. The same feeling I had when finishing ME3. What a great series. I can't even begin to describe how much the "Mass Effect" trilogy means to me. How much John/Kaidan means to me.

When writing this story, I had a serious case of "kill your darlings," having so many ideas that wouldn't move this fic forward. I've decided to put those cut-outs into a collection of one-shots. That'll be the last of this series. There are definitely other m!Shenko fics coming up from me (just not in the Patience series,) including AU's, so stay tuned if you like my stuff. You can find me on _Tumblr_ under the same name, and by all means, don't hesitate to start a chat! Also, my _Tumblr_ has art for this fic.

Thanks for reading :)


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